Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 9





99i: Jamie Foxx / Blink-182

Hillary Leaves the White House

President Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton.....Ana Gasteyer
Vladmir Putin.....Will Ferrell

[ First-Lady Hillary Clinton is packing for her New York Senate campaign, while Bill talks on the phone ]

Hillary Clinton: Are you gonna help? The movers are waiting on me. Could you get up off your fat ass and help me pack these boxes?

President Bill Clinton: You know, Hillary, I would have helped you yesterday, but I had those peace talks in West Virginia. But I guess you moving is more important than peace for Syria.

Hillary Clinton: Well can you help me now?

President Bill Clinton: I wish I could, but I gotta call the new Russian president.

Hillary Clinton: Hmmph, how convenient.

President Bill Clinton: Trust me - it's not like I don't want to help you get on your way. [ into the phone ] Vladimir! Puttin'... Putin. Hey, how are you? Hey, it's Bill Clinton. I was just callin' to congratulate you.

Vladmir Putin: Well, it's good to hear from you. I'm just getting rid of some of Yeltsin's things. [ bottles on desk, picks one up at a time and tosses it into a box ]

President Bill Clinton: Well, you know, I am glad to hear you got that job. I thought because of your affiliation with the KGB, some people might be against you.

Vladmir Putin: [ assuringly ] Don't worry. Those people are gone. Way gone, my friend.

President Bill Clinton: Well, I hope you win the election in March.

Vladmir Putin: Oh, I'll win. I'll win. My only competition is Gorbachev's kid, Mikhail W. Gorbachev. Believe me, the Russian people aren't stupid enough to vote for a guy just because he has his dad's name.

President Bill Clinton: The American people are. [ laughs and holds a thumbs-up ]

Vladmir Putin: I know. And I just fired Yeltsin's daughter. I'm trying to trim some of the fat.

President Bill Clinton: You should try Jenny Craig.

Vladmir Putin: Jenny Craig. Good one, I get it.

President Bill Clinton: [ laughing ] No, seriously, Putin, I'm concerned about the conflict in Chechnya.. [ Hillary picks up Bill's Dilbert mug from his desk, breaking his concentration ] ..and I'm also concerned about my Dilbert mug. That stays here!

Vladmir Putin: [ confused ] Who's Dilbert?

President Bill Clinton: I'm sorry. As I was saying. I must stress my concern about the crisis in Chechnya.

Vladmir Putin: Look, I know the war is wrong but it gives the Russian people a reason to feel proud.

President Bill Clinton: Well, I don't think people should do something they know is wrong just because it makes them feel good. [ laughs, as Hillary gives him a dirty look ]

President Bill Clinton: [ groaning ] Oh.. not the look again. Not the look..

Hillary Clinton: I'm going to New York now.

President Bill Clinton: [ apethetic ] Okay. [ covering mouthpiece of phone ] Well, I'm sorry, it's long distance.

Vladmir Putin: Do you need to go?

President Bill Clinton: [ to phone [ No, it's cool.

Hillary Clinton: [ disgusted ] I'm leaving. I am leaving, and you won't see me for two months. Don't you even want to say goodbye?

President Bill Clinton: Goodbye.

Hillary Clinton: Is that it?

President Bill Clinton: [ holds his three middle fingers up ] Pick a finger. [ Hillary turns away, as Bill ends his phone call ] I'm sorry, I'm kidding. [ jumping up ] Honey, you're my wife, and I need to give you a proper goodbye. I want you to come here. [ Hillary approaches Bill for a hug, but he pushes her back and gives her a handshake instead ] Good luck in all your future endevours.

Hillary Clinton: [ outraged ] Is that it?

President Bill Clinton: Yeah.. but, one last thing. [ to the camera ] Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!


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