Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 10

99j: Freddie Prinze, Jr. / Macy Gray

Colonel Belmont's Old Fashioned Horse Glue

Langford T. Belmont.....Will Ferrell
Carl.....Chris Parnell

[ open on horse farm ]

Langford T. Belmont: Life's a little simpler 'round here in the country. We move at our own pace. A little slower, and a little old-fashioned. Sometimes, that's the best way to get things done. Hi, I'm Langford T. Belmont. You know, they say that people don't care about quality and tradition nowadays. Well, maybe I'm old fasioned, but around here we do things the way they ought to be done. That's why we make our glue the old fashioned way. Out of horses. (holds up product) Colonel Belmont's Old Fashioned Horse glue. Made the old fashioned way. Out of 100% dead horse. In 1908, my great-grandfather, Nathaniel Belmont, had one simple notion. Cut the hooves off of horses like ol' Chestnut here and make glue out of them. And his idea soon became the world's finest all-natural adhesive.

Carl: [ making a pot of boiling horse glue ] How does this batch look, Mr. B?

Langford T. Belmont: Needs more horse, Carl.

Carl: Yes, sir. [ picks up ax ]

Langford T. Belmont: You know that it takes four fully-grown horses to make just one bottle of our glue? And that we use only the choicest hooves, plus some bone, hair, internal organs, whatever gets caught in the machine. Everything else we just throw away to rot. That's our promise of quality. So when it comes time to fix that refridgerator magnet or put together a little house of popsicle sticks, you don't want some cheap synthetic glue. You want pure mutilated horse paste.

Carl: [ with a wheelbarrow full of horse hooves ] Horse coming through!

Langford T. Belmont: [ laughs ] Colonel Belmont's Old Fashioned Horse Glue. Made the old fasioned way. Out of horses.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

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