Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 12




99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

The Bloder Brothers

Clair.....Ana Gasteyer
Cindy.....Julianna Margulies
Kip Bloder.....Jimmy Fallon
Wayne Bloder.....Chris Parnell

[FADE IN on carports with ďMARRIOTT MARQUIS HOTELĒ printed on the side of each awning. FADE to the empty bar. Clair, the bartender is wiping down the bar when Cindy walks in smoking a cigarette.]

Clair: Hi. What can I get you?

Cindy: [quickly] Mandarin Cosmopolitan--you know what, make it two of Ďem.

Clair: Long day?

Cindy: [sounding stressed out] I just spent eight hours sitting through a realty workshop.

Clair: Ughhh. Sounds rough. I tell you what, Iíll give you two, all right? Theyíre both on me. My nameís Clair, if you need anything.

Cindy: [smiles] Oh, thanks, Iím Cindy.

Clair: Nice to meet you.

[CUT back to a wider shot of the bar. Two dorky-looking young men have suddenly appeared sitting very low at the bar to Cindyís right. Both have very curly hair; one wears a suit, and the other a dark orange sweater.]

Wayne: Uh, we couldnít help overhearing you order a ďMandarin CosmopolitanĒ?

Kip: Uh, we were thinking about ordering one, too--uh, hope itís a drink!

[Both men laugh stupidly for a long moment.]

Wayne: I hope itís not a new car. [both laugh] Iím already driving a piŮa colada.

[They keep laughing as Cindy smokes her cigarette and stares at them in disbelief.]

Kip: My nameís Kip Bloder, this is my brother Wayne.

Cindy: [dryly] That would make you the Bloder brothers.

[Both of them again laugh stupidly.]

Wayne: We got a live one here--not like the ones in our basement.

[forced laughter]

Kip: Donít be afraid. [laughs]

Wayne: Be VERY afraid. [laughs]

Kip: No, really, donít be afraid, uh, weíre only kidding.

Wayne: Or ARE we?

[forced laughter]

Clair: Wayne, Kip, why donít you leave the lady alone?

Cindy: Oh, donít worry, Clair. I donít think these Muppets here could hurt me.

[The brothers laugh as if shocked by her words.]

Kip: Well, I, for one, just changed my name to Elmo. Tickle me... [laughs]

Wayne: Uh, can you tell me how to get to ďSesame StreetĒ?

Kip: No, but I can tell you how to get to ďInsult Boulevard.Ē [points in Cindyís direction] Itís right over there. [both laugh]

Wayne: Good one.

[The brothers continue to laugh annoyingly.]

Wayne: Uh, I think overheard you tell the bartender your name is Cindy?

Cindy: [snuffs out cigarette] Uh, yeah, thatís right, but why donít you just refer to me as ďnot in a million yearsĒ?

[Brothers laugh loudly]

Kip: Ouch!

Wayne: I felt that one. Put your gloves down, Cassius Clay!

Cindy: [grinning] Iím going for the knockout!

Kip: You are already a knockout!

[Amazingly, Cindy joins in and laughs as hard the the brothers.]

Cindy: Oh, God. I didnít think I was gonna laugh tonight!

Kip: Want another laugh? Guess what we do for a living.

Cindy: Well, it canít be as boring as real estate. Go ahead.

Wayne: Uh, buckle up, here it comes. [laughs]

Kip: We calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

Cindy: [raises finger in air] Ding, ding, ding, I think we have a winner!

[All laugh heartily]

Cindy: Or, should I say, ďlosahĒ!

Brothers: [in unison] HI-HO!!

[Cindy reaches over and digs in her box of cigarettes, but it is empty.]

Cindy: Oh, hey, I gotta go get more cigarettes, Iíll be right back. [walks off behind brothers] Why donít you watch my seat?

[Now genuinely surprised, the brothers laugh and look at each other in disbelief.]

Clair: Boy, you guys, this is the longest time a woman has ever talked to you!

Wayne: Hey, I donít care whose dream it is, donít wake me!

Kip: [points to himself] More sleeping pills, please! [laughs]

Wayne: Hey, if I do wake up, please hit me with a mallet! [laughs]

[Cindy walks back in with a fresh pack of cigarettes.]

Cindy: Ohhh, Iím back. I hope you donít mind if I smoke. [lights a cigarette]

Wayne: Um, youíre ALREADY smokiní.

[Both brothers snicker for a long moment.]

Kip: [pointing toward his throat] Iím suffering from smoke INHALATION.

Cindy: [flirtatiously] Want me to give you some mouth-to-mouth?

[All laugh]

Kip: Yikes.

Wayne: [momentarily nonchalant] Uh, you are, youíre one hot realtor, Cindy.

Cindy: [suggestively] Hey... what do you say we check out my room upstairs, huh?

[The brothers are stunned to silence.]

Wayne: Uh, Iíll, Iíll show you my piece of land if you show me yours.

Cindy: Letís go!

[The brothers laugh nervously.]

Cindy: Letís go up to my room. Come on, Iíve got a minibar... [in a husky, sexy voice] Weíll smoke some pot...

[The brothers appear mortified.]

Wayne: Uh, uh, uh, unfortunately, uh, we left all our pots in the kitchen.

Cindy: Come on, letís take the party upstairs. I mean, isnít that where all this is heading anyway?

[The brothers fidget silently.]

Cindy: [a bit pleadingly] Letís go!

Kip: Go, go, Gadget.

Cindy: [losing patience] Thatís so lame, you two are shaking like a leaf! I mean, come on, are we going or not?

Wayne: Uh, knock, knock, whoís there?

Cindy: I canít believe this. [rises to leave] Bad Day, Part 2: I canít even get laid by the Bloder brothers!

[Cindy stalks out of the bar.]

Clair: Nice work, gents! The earth just, uh, collided with Mars, a pig just flew by, and hell just froze over! You BLEW it, losers!

Kip: [teasingly] Why donít you tell us what you REALLY feel?

[They begin to laugh as before.]

Wayne: I mean, we like things fast, but that was the Indy 500!

[The brothers laugh again for a moment, and then grimace in unison and begin to cry softly. They alternate laughing and crying for a moment.]

Wayne: Hey, Clair, could you call our dad and ask him to come pick us up, please?

[They keep laughing and crying by turns. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]


Submitted by: Joe Cornfield


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