Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

A Message From Hillary Rodham Clinton

Hillary Clinton.....Ana Gasteyer
President Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond

[FADE IN on a slide with red, white, and blue stripes and SUPERIMPOSE caption, “A message from Hillary Rodham Clinton.”]

Announcer: A message from Hillary Rodham Clinton!

[FADE to Hillary standing in a modest kitchen; a bottle of Mountain Dew stands on the counter next to the sink in the background. Billy Joel’s song “Captain Jack” plays briefly in the background and then dies away.]

Hillary Clinton: [in a nasal monotone] Hello, New York!

[After a blank pause, the audience cheers wildly for several seconds.]

Hillary Clinton: This week, I officially announced my candidacy to represent your state in the U.S. Senate. And I know, if I make it here, I’ll make it anywhere!

[The audience cheers loudly as Bill Clinton walks into the room behind her. When Hillary resumes, he pretends to notice the camera innocently.]

Hillary Clinton: Now, some critics called my speech wooden, and studied...

[Audience continues laughing at the President standing behind her right shoulder. He picks up a slice of pizza and starts chomping down on it.]

Hillary Clinton: I wanted to take this time to show you the new Hillary! The real Hillary! Up close and personal, here in my Chappaqua home, where I live with my husband of 24 years.

Bill Clinton: Don’t mind me, I’m just gettin’ a snack!

Hillary Clinton: Bill and I are here in my favorite room of the new house, the kitchen. I can’t wait to prepare some food dishes in this kitchen. Such as salads and toast. Because I LOVE cooking for my family.

Bill Clinton: [leans in past her] She is ONE HELL of a cook--I swear to God.

Hillary Clinton: Bill, do you mind? I’m talking to my fellow New Yorkers.

Bill Clinton: Sorry, honey. [walks off camera]

Hillary Clinton: You see? That was the NEW Hillary. The OLD Hillary would have yelled, “Get out of here, you camera hog.” She would have said, “This is MY campaign, for once! [raises voice] I kept my mouth shut a long time for you!!”

[Bill starts to re-enter the shot, but backs away in a flash at Hillary’s furious tone.]

Hillary Clinton: “But this is about ME!! ME!! You GOT me, Bill?!”

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: But that was the OLD Hillary. Now let me point out to you some more differences between the old Hillary and the new Hillary. The OLD Hillary was rigid, and awkward.

[SUPERIMPOSE caption at bottom reading, “OLD HILLARY: rigid, awkward.”]

Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary is loose, and easy.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “NEW HILLARY: loose, easy going.”]

Hillary Clinton: Going.

[As the audience howls with laughter, Bill pours himself a glass of Mountain Dew in the background. He drinks it while she keeps talking.]

Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was a strident women’s libber.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “OLD HILLARY: women’s libber.”]

Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary’s had her eyes done.


Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was dykey, and threatening.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “OLD HILLARY: dykey, threatening.”]

Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary is motherly, and warm.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “NEW HILLARY: motherly, warm?” Over her shoulder, Bill looks at the camera in disbelief and slinks away.]

Hillary Clinton: The old Hillary was driven by blind ambition and fueled by rage over her wasted potential and her husband’s chronic skank-pronging!

[SUPERIMPOSE, “OLD HILLARY: driven by ambition,” “fueled by rage,” “married to skank-pronger.” Bill pops back in, gives a thumbs-up, and silently mouths, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” He steps out again.]

Hillary Clinton: The new Hillary has shorter hair.

[SUPERIMPOSE, “NEW HILLARY: new hairdo!!!”]

Hillary Clinton: People of New York, I WANT to be your senator. Now, Rudy Giuliani says I’m not a real New Yorker.

[Bill steps back in wearing a Yankees cap.]

Hillary Clinton: To which I say: [in Brooklyn accent] “Ey: fuhgedaboudit! I LOVE New York!!”

[Bill bursts out laughing hysterically and puts a hand on her shoulder.]

Bill Clinton: [gives thumbs-up] She is SO good, AND charming... [steps back]

Hillary Clinton: I WANT to be your senator!

[Bill starts beckoning the camera toward him. While Hillary continues droning, the camera zooms slowly in on him and crowds her out completely.]

Hillary Clinton: I’m a new woman, and a new Democrat, and I want to BE your senator. For the first time in my life, I am gonna step out of my husband’s shadow, and finally say...

Bill Clinton: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

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