Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25 Episode 12




99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Crocodile Hunter

Steve Irwin.....Chris Kattan
Terri Irwin.....Julianna Margulies

[FADE IN on a globe which spins wildly and then pops apart to reveal the “Animal Planet” logo as an elephant is heard trumpeting in the background. FADE to various shots of wilderness scenery and wildlife.]

Terri: [narrating in a hushed voice] At almost 2000 feet, Oregon’s Crater Lake is not only the nation’s deepest lake, but one of the most beautiful. Today, on “Crocodile Hunter,” my husband Steve and I will experience the wondrous animals of Oregon.

[SUPERIMPOSE “The Crocodile Hunter, with Steve and Terri Taylor” over a bear fishing in a river. FADE to Steve and Terri standing on a forest set and wearing identical khaki outfits.]

Steve: [in a wildly exaggerated Australian accent] GOO’DAY!!! Welcome to “Crocodile Hunter,” where we explore the wonders of WIL’LOIFE! I’m here with m’ wife Terri!

Terri: [grinning broadly and waving] Hi! Steve, what are you gonna surprise us with today?

[Steve picks up a long snake as a rattle effect is heard.]

Steve: Ohhhhhhhhhh, looka this beauty here, Terri, huh?

Terri: [grinning] Oh, that’s a timber rattlesnake!

Steve: It sure is! Now, a rattlesnake’s VEEEEEEEEENOMOUS.

[Audience laughs as Steve holds the snake out at arm’s length.]

Steve: So it commands respect. Yeah, but looka his nice BODY structure, WOW. Nice, solid...

[The snake turns and bites him on the right wrist. Blood and venom go splattering into the air.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! OWWWWWWWWWW!!!

[Terri continues grinning as Steve writhes in pain and finally pulls the snake off his wrist, which splatters blood all over both their khaki suits.]

Steve: [smiling] THE BLOKE BIT ME!! [cackles]

Terri: Whoa, Steve, looks like that rattler gotcha pretty good!

Steve: [glances at his spurting wound] Yeah, he sure did, didn’t he?!

Terri: Nature’s strong.

Steve: Yeahhhhh!

[FADE to the opening footage of rugged mountains.]

Terri: [narrating] Steve lost an awful lot of blood, but after I sucked the venom out of his hand, we settled down to a nice picnic lunch of Oregon berries and fresh farm milk, which Steve had a little trouble keeping down. [snickers] I guess there was still some poison in his system. But then we were off and ready to continue searching for more wildlife.

[Mountain lions are seen prancing across a meadow, and then CUT to Steve holding a hawk in his left hand. Blood spots can still be seen on his shirt.]

Steve: Now, this Cooper’s Hawk is one of th’ reasons I’ve traveled so far to come to th’ United STETES!!! [laughter] I’m FASCIN’T’D b’ BERDS!!! ‘Specially Hawks! Go ahead, feed ‘em, Terri!

[PAN over to Terri dangling a chunk of raw meat in her left hand.]

Terri: Oh, he’s beauuuutifuuuul!

[PAN back to Steve.]

Steve: Yeah, he sure is, WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOA! Looka those WINGS!! Now, ever’ day’s a good day when you’re a HAWK!

[PAN back to Terri dangling the chunk of meat.]

Terri: Come on, hawk! Come on!

Steve: C’mon, baby. C’mon.

[PAN back to Steve.]

Steve: Fly over there! That’s it! Go on! Go on!

[The hawk leans forward and bites Steve on his left ear.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

[PAN back to Terri as she calmly puts down the meat and looks over to her husband.]

Steve: [off camera] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

[She waves the chunk of meat in the air for another brief moment.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAA!!!

Terri: Bye, hawk!

[PAN back to Steve as Terri walks over and examines him. Bright blood has cascaded over his left shoulder, but he grins crazily at the camera.]

Steve: Good Lordy, that hurt, Terri!!

Terri: Wow! Steve, you’re bleeding again.

Steve: [cackling] AM I? I SURE AM! Looka that! [bends down] Check this out! [holds up a dark red slice] He tooka m’ left ear completely off m’ FACE!!

[laughter]

Steve: This thing ain’t comin’ back on, huh, Terri?

[Steve raises the “ear” and tosses it up into the air.]

Steve: Here you go, little fella!

[sound effect of a loud squawk]

Steve: Whaaaaaw! [looks down to side] Whatcha got there, Terri? Whoooooooooa.

[Terri is seen holding up a frog in the palm of her hand. They both grin over it.]

Terri: Ohhhh, look! It’s a beautiful American bullfrog!

Steve: Look at the way his beauty is...

[The frog suddenly squirts clear fluid directly into his left eye.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! He just sprayed poisonous venom in m’ EYYYYYE! He didn’t give me a chance to TALK about ‘im, Terri! Feels like someone just pissed hot lava in my eye!

Terri: [gleeful] Oh, this is great stuff, Steve! I’m having such a fun time! [jumps up and down]

Steve: Ah, yeah! Me too! It sure is! I tell ya, this venom is really doin’ a number on m’ BODY. In fact, my internal organs are liquifying AS we speak. This is gonna go down as th’ HOIGHLOIGHT of m’ LOIFE!!!

[The frog squirts more venom into his face.]

Steve: AAAAAAAAAAA!! Where’d that come from?! This IS spontaneous!

Terri: [laughing] Oh, Steve, I’m so happy for you!

Steve: Yeah, I’m on cloud nine right now! [to camera] Well, that’s all the time we got on Crackadile Hun’er!

Terri: [laughing] Goodbye!

Steve: Buh-BYE!

[SUPERIMPOSE “The Crocodile Hunter, with Steve and Terri Irvin” over the two of them talking animatedly as the audience applauds. FADE to black.]


Submitted by: Sean


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