Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 12




99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

E! News Daily

Steve Kmetko.....Will Ferrell
Jules Asner.....Cheri Oteri
Donatella Versace.....Molly Shannon
Luca.....Noah Wylie
Elton John.....Horatio Sanz
Elizabeth Hurley.....Julianna Margulies

[FADE IN on the spinning “E!” logo, then FADE to a stark, white studio with two commentators sitting on stools.]

Steve Kmetko: Welcome to “E! News Daily.” I’m Steve Kmetko.

Jules Asner: And I’m Jules Asner. Coming up today on “E! News Daily,” find out what Anna Nicole Smith is planning to do next. Here’s a hint: you can smell it. But first... [laughter] ..but first, more of our exclusive coverage of Fashion Week.

Steve Kmetko: [in a clipped, fey voice] It’s Fashion Week again. The week when the world’s top fashion designers decide what seven rich people will wear this season. To get an insider’s preview of the Versace 2000 collection, I spent the week with Donatella Versace at her headquarters in Milan.

Jules Asner: [pretending to banter] Rough assignment.

Steve Kmetko: Mm, TELL me about it.

Jules Asner: [snickers] You poor thing.

Steve Kmetko: I barely survived.

Jules Asner: Oh, I feel real sorry for you.

Steve Kmetko: [snaps] Are you screwing with me? ‘Cause I will have you fired so frickin’ fast!

Jules Asner: [shocked] I, I thought we were bantering... back and forth... fun bantering.

[CUT to Kate Moss and several other models parading down the runway of a fashion show.]

Steve Kmetko: [off camera] Versace. The name means sex, skin, and rock ‘n’ roll glamour. And no one epitomizes that spirit more than Donatella Versace herself.

[FADE to Donatella in her studio. In a skimpy green dress, she stands and sensuously rubs Luca, a shirtless male model in black leather pants who stretches out on her desk.]

Donatella Versace: [in pronounced Italian accent] My philosophy is that the fashion should be SEXY, you know? Like, I feel inspired by everything which I see, you know. [slaps his stomach] Hop up. More champagne, more champagne, please, very good, come on.

[Luca stands up and walks dutifully away, and Donatella spanks him as he leaves.]

Donatella Versace: I see, like, for example, my, my dog. She get a little ear infection, so she wear the big cone collar. And I look at this collar and I think, “So SEXY,” so what do I do? I make one for Courtney Love!

[FADE to a still photo of Courtney Love at an awards ceremony with a dog collar pictured around her neck. FADE back to Versace Headquarters, where Donatella briefly picks up her cigarette but sets it down without smoking it.]

Donatella Versace: You know, eh, basically, everywhere I look, I see a type of design, you know? Like, ahhhh... [picks up a yellow “trimline” phone] ...like this phone, for example. You see, so smooth, so sexy, you know, you make a little suit. [shouts to side] You know what? Make this phone into a dress! Make this! Make this!

[She yanks the phone cord out and throws it off toward the side, and then CUT to still shots of Naomi Campbell, Madonna, and Tina Turner.]

Steve Kmetko: When celebrities want to make a memorable entrance, they go straight to the House of Versace. Donatella’s clients include actors, rock superstars, AND Elton John.

[FADE to Elton behind the piano. He wears spectacles and a tux and shirt without a tie.]

Elton John: Donatella designs everything I own. She does all my suits. She designed a leather tuxedo for my Yorkie. She did a beautiful line of zebra-print after-sex towels for me ‘cause I’m sloppy. I wrote this song for her.

[A piano melody starts up which sounds vaguely like “Candle in the Wind.”]

Elton John: [singing]
Donatella, Miss Versace,
Promise me you’ll always stay Italian.
You’re a golden lady,
With hair like spaghetti,
You’re a candle in the wind,
Wait, I’ve used that already.

[speaking] Damn, I’ve gotta get back together with Bernie Taupin.

[CUT to footage of models getting their hair sprayed and their fingernails painted.]

Steve Kmetko: The day before her new collection debuts, Donatella’s office is all abuzz with last-minute fittings AND nervous energy.

[FADE back to Versace Headquarters, where Donatella stands next to Elizabeth Hurley, who is holding a flute of champagne, smoking a cigarette and wearing a long purple dress with the receiver of the yellow telephone attached right above her breasts.]

Donatella Versace: Miss Hurley is the perfect model for my dresses.

Elizabeth Hurley: [in a flawless English accent] I love these clothes. Because they’re so naughty. It’s like wearing a spanking. [sips champagne]

Donatella Versace: The dresses fit her perfectly because of these beautiful teh-tahs. [cups Elizabeth’s breasts] Oh, I love them! They’re gorgeous! I LOVE them, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Hurley: I’ve got nice teh-tahs.

[A phone suddenly beeps.]

Elizabeth Hurley: Oh! Is that my rack ringing?

[Luca walks up with a tiny cell phone and hands it to Donatella.]

Donatella Versace: Alo? Ah, Madonna! Ciao! Que va? [grabs Luca’s butt and holds onto it] Ja. Oh, ja. No.

Elizabeth Hurley: I find her clothes quite witty. For example, this phone frock is combination. You see, my teh-tahs are talking to each other on the telephone! [smiles deliciously]

Donatella Versace: [into phone] Eh, Madonna. No, don’t take sperm from him. No, I get you good sperm, okay? [puts down phone] Ah, good. Ja. Luca? Ah.

[Luca walks obediently in, and Donatella hands him a champagne glass.]

Donatella Versace: Go make a nice sperm. Put it. Go make a nice one. [She spanks him again on his way out.]

Elizabeth Hurley: God, I’m starving. Is there any more champagne?

[CUT to Kate Moss and others walking down the runway.]

Steve Kmetko: [off camera] When all was said and done, the Versace Collection was a smash, and Donatella was very pleased.

Donatella Versace: [off camera] Come on, walk like the sexy hookers.

[FADE back to Steve and Jules in the studio.]

Jules Asner: Wow, I’ll bet Italy was great.

Steve Kmetko: Oh, that is it. Don’t you EVER talk to me like that again!

Jules Asner: [shocked] Steve, I was just trying to--

Steve Kmetko: WHAT?

Jules Asner: Wha--

Steve Kmetko: You WHAT?!

Jules Asner: Nothing.

Steve Kmetko: [belligerently] Go ahead, Jules Asner! It’s your line! Intro your segment! INTRO it! [pushes her in the face with two fingers]

Jules Asner: [fighting tears] Steve, why are... why are... [quavering] How does Sarah Michelle Gellar make spinach dip? We’ll find out, after this break.

Steve Kmetko: [appalled] Oh, my God!

[He pushes the side of Jules’s head, and she tips off her stool. FADE quickly to the “E!” logo, then FADE to black over applause.]


Submitted by: Joe Cornfield


SNL Transcripts