Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25 Episode 12

99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Erectile Dysfunction Ad

Announcer.....Chris Parnell
Doug Anthony Kimbles.....Will Ferrell
Director.....Tim Meadows
Microphone Man.....Horatio Sanz
Hannah.....Julianna Margulies

[FADE IN on a closeup of Dougís face looking down at the floor in despair as a few melodramatic piano notes are heard in the background. ZOOM OUT very slowly to show him wearing a yellow sweater and reading a copy of ďForbesĒ magazine.]

Announcer: This is the face of erectile dysfunction. Itís a personal and embarrassing problem. You walk around feeling like a loser. Maybe youíre gay. Maybe youíre a eunuch. Or a wuss. Maybe youíre just a goon with a limp noodle hanging between your legs.

Doug: [in disgust] All right, all right, thatís enough!

Director: Cut!

[CUT to a wider shot as the director walks up to Doug.]

Director: Um, whatís the problem, Doug?

Doug: [anxiously] Is that what the commercialís gonna say?

Director: Well, um, weíre still trying some different, you know, versions, but I wanted you to hear it so you can play off of it.

Doug: It seems pretty harsh.

Director: Well, itís not about you, no. Itís about the disorder and how to treat it.

Doug: All right.

Director: Okay?

Doug: Iím sorry. I overreacted.

Director: [pats his shoulder] Thatís okay, itís okay. [turns back and claps hands] All right, come on, letís go back to one, people! Roll playback!

[CUT to closeup of an electronic slate.]

Director: All right, people! And... action!

[The slate is pulled away to reveal Dougís pensive face again.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. Look at it. Itís not pretty. All hang-dog and sad. Goofy-ass ears. Who does he think heís kidding? He might as well tuck that sad weiner of his between his thighs and start wearing a dress. You know, heís in bars, talking all big, like, ďHey, Iím a commercial actor. My nameís Doug, and--Ē

Doug: Okay, come on!

Director: Cut! [walks up to him] Doug, whatís the problem? That was a great take!

Doug: The voiceover guy used my real name!

Director: What? Like Robert DeNiro never plays a character named Rob?

Doug: No, it just seems slightly personal!

Director: Doug, Doug, itís not!

Doug: All right.

Director: Okay?

Doug: Okay.

Director: [turning back] Okay, címon, letís shoot this, people! Weíre gonna lose the magic hour!

Microphone Man: Weíre inside!

Director: [consults a clock hanging around his neck] Yeah, right, okay, ready, people! And, action!

[CUT back to Dougís closeup.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. Doug. Dougís got a droopy old ding-dong. Iím talking, ďbl-o-o-oo.Ē This guy couldnít even satisfy Mrs. Roper. You donít believe me? Ask his girlfriend Hannah.

[ENTER Hannah from the left. She stands behind Doug and addresses the camera self-concsciously.]

Hannah: Doug canít satisfy me. Heís very delicate and frightened in bed.

Doug: Hannah, what the hell are you doing here?

Hannah: The director said you wanted me here.

Doug: [throws down magazine] Son of a BITCH!

Director: CUT!

[Losing his patience, the director stalks up to him.]

Director: Listen, Doug! Maybe I am a son of a bitch, but I heard that you were a real ACTOR. I wanted to, you know, to challenge you with reality.

Doug: [calmly] I, I AM a real actor.

Director: What?

Doug: [agitated] I AM a real actor!!

Director: [pumped] All RIGHT, then, letís DO this, people!! [reaches out to rub Hannahís arm] And Hannah. You look great.

Hannah: [giggles in delight] Thank you.

Director: Yeah, good job. [claps hands] Letís get playback ready, people! [sits back down in chair]

Microphone Man: Hey, uh... Director: [impatiently] What?

Microphone Man: The whole crew asked me to ask you if you could please, uh, stop calling us ďpeople.Ē

Director: [stares at him] Sorry. Itís my signature. And action, PEOPLE!!

[CUT back to Dougís closeup.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] This is the face of erectile dysfunction. His name is Doug Kimbles. Heís got big-time Nerf in his shorts. And he canít even blame it on booze. Heís a commercial actor here in L.A., and his home phone is 1-310-555-0187.

Doug: [furious] HEY!!!

Director: [off camera] BE AN ACTOR!!!

[ENTER Hannah.]

Announcer: [over piano notes] Thatís his girfriend Hannah. Sheís a hot little number who likes jogging in those tight bicycle pants. Hey, Hannah, whatís the worst part about being with half a man?

Hannah: I guess itís when... I donít know how to say this, um... when his Jimmy-stick gets all limp like a turkey neck, and then he cries, and itís so high-pitched, and unnatural.

Announcer: Doug? What was the most embarrassing time you ever had with a woman? And would you please state your full name and look directly into camera?

Doug: [slowly] My name is Doug Anthony Kimbles. One time... I was with Hannah at the beach--

Hannah: [in horror] Oh, no, donít, please donít tell this one.

Announcer: TELL IT!

[The microphone screeches and rings.]

Doug: It was the afternoon, and we snuck off behind a lifeguard tower, and...

[Doug gasps once and starts crying in a high-pitched, unnatural voice. Hannah sobs in agony over his shoulder.]

Doug: [sobbing] I couldnít do it! And when I pulled away, there were about thirty people watching!

Hannah: [clasps his shoulder] Oh, no-oo-ooo!

Doug: They all started laughing, and then I just ran down the beach with my pants around my ankles, it was awful!

Announcer: [over piano notes] This must be really hard for YOU, Hannah.

Hannah: It is!

Announcer: Iím guessing youíre a Scorpio. Am I right?

Hannah: [crying] Iím a Taurus, but that was close!

Announcer: Hey: what say we hit a potato bar and then go for a drive up the coast?

Hannah: [suddenly calm] Yeah, okay. [walks off]

Doug: [shrilly] BABY!

Director: [off camera] Very good, Doug, I know that was hard. Now, roll the product ID!

Announcer: [in a huskier voice] When lifeís screwed up like this, reach for a Tootsie Roll!

[SUPERIMPOSE the caption ďTootsie RollĒ underneath a dancing Tootsie Roll man and play happy electronic music.]

Announcer: Tootsie Roll! It can always get you roariní!

[HOLD on Doug looking around in consternation, then FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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