Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 12




99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Julianna Margulies' Monologue

Dr. Mathaway.....Julianna Margulies
Nurse.....Cheri Oteri
Pet Owner.....Chris Parnell
Manuel.....Noah Wylie

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Julianna Margulies!

[PAN down from the blinking “ON AIR” light to center stage, where Julianna walks out and acknowledges applause. She wears a red-orange turtleneck sweater and brown leather pants.]

Julianna Margulies: Thank you very much, thank you! Ohhh! I can’t tell you how happy I am to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”!! [cheers and applause] As most of you know, this is my last season on “ER.”

[The audience goes “awwww” in disappointment, and she smiles, flattered.]

Julianna Margulies: Thanks! That’s nice. Don’t get me wrong, I really do love doing the show, but you know... [sounding stressed] After six years, I cannot tell you how wonderful it will be not to have to say: “Possible venticular tagurhythmia, parenteral lavage, BP 180 over 100, Ladocaine 20 milligrams I.V.!”

[She spins her finger and rolls her eyes as audience applauds.]

Julianna Margulies: They did, um, they did offer me quite a lot of money to stay on the show, and I turned them down, and many of you may think that I’m crazy, you know, but for me, life is all about taking risks and challenging yourself. [grins] So I’m doing a brand-new series on NBC. I hope you love it as much as I do. Okay? [pauses in anticipation] Here’s a new clip of my show!

[FADE to the opening sequence of “ER,” then SUPERIMPOSE caption, “er: special veterinary unit.” CUT to a full-sized gurney being wheeled into a frantic emergency room. A small guinea pig lies motionless on the gurney with corn chips sprinkled around him an I.V. inserted in its body.]

Dr. Mathaway: All right, here we are. Nice and easy, nice and easy. On my count: One... two... three.

[They gingerly lift the stretcher onto the bed.]

Dr. Mathaway: [putting on stethoscope] All right. Prep him. Give me his vitals.

Owner: [fearfully] His name is Peanuts!

Nurse: He went from a Grade-A pulse to a flat line. Let’s get these chips off him!

Owner: He looked hungry, so I fed him some of my cajun pizza!

Nurse: [points to pet owner] All right, get him out of here!! Somebody get him out!!

[Two orderlies hustle the owner out.]

Dr. Mathaway: Possible venticular tagurhythmia, prep for parenteral lavage, BP 180 over 100, Ladocaine 20 milligrams I.V. Give me the paddles!

[An orderly hands her two black plastic paddles.]

Dr. Mathaway: 60 volts! [places paddles on guinea pig] And clear!

[When they turn on the juice, Peanuts jumps about two feet off the gurney and flops back down.]

Nurse: All right, stand by the paddles, we’re going again.

Dr. Mathaway: No, no. Just wait... [intensely] I got a pulse.

[Peanuts gasps for breath.]

Nurse: She’s got a pulse!

[FADE abruptly back to the studio, where Julianna acknowledges riotous applause.]

Julianna Margulies: It’s a good show! Thank you, thank you! Thanks so much! You know, this new project means so much to me.

[CUT to a thirty-ish woman standing up in the audience.]

Woman: Excuse me, uh, I have a question.

Julianna Margulies: [looking askance at her] Um, I didn’t realize an audience member was gonna ask me a question in the middle of my monologue.

Audience member: Well, I’m not an audience member, I’m a writer on the show. I wrote what I’m saying right now.

Julianna Margulies: Okay. Uh, what’s your question?

Audience member: [in a seasoned reporter’s voice] From the clip, it looks like you’re playing exactly the same character that you did on “ER.” I mean, where’s the risk, the challenge?

Julianna Margulies: [annoyed] Um, okay. A: she’s wearing a WHITE doctor coat, not a pink one. Moron. And hello-oo, she’s a vet! I mean, it’s a completely different show. God! Take a look at another clip. [muttering] Jackass...

[FADE to Dr. Mathaway as she finishes examining a boa constrictor. An owl looks down from a perch above her, and a huge dog watches from a bed.]

Dr. Mathaway: Manuel? You are a great vet, but you’re not God. You can’t make these life-and-death decisions on your own. Do you understand?

[CUT to Manuel wearing a doctor’s coat and a very cheesy fake Mexican mustache which curls up on the ends.]

Manuel: Sì. Yo comprendo, doctora Mathaway. [sidles up to her] Yo quienso que quizas te amo.

[They embrace and lean in to kiss.]

Voice: Code blue. Trauma three. Code blue.

[They break their embrace and rush away as a horse whinnies off camera. FADE quickly back to studio and cheers.]

Julianna Margulie: You see, lady? We have such a great show for you tonight! DMX is here! [audience cheers] So stick around, we’ll be right back!

[ZOOM out on Julianna clapping along with audience, then FADE to black.]


Submitted by: Joe Cornfield


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