99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Augustus General

Nadeen.....Cheri Oteri
Fall Victim.....Chris Parnell
Orderly.....Jimmy Fallon
Motorcyclist.....Tim Meadows
Motorcyclist’s Wife.....Ana Gasteyer
Man with Severed Hand.....Tracy Morgan
Man with Headache.....Darrell Hammond
Dr. Montgomery.....Julianna Margulies

[FADE IN on an ambulance pulling up to a hospital, and then FADE to the e/r. A patient is gingerly being pushed in a wheelchair toward a hallway, and suddenly a man walks briskly up to the desk. He has a deep gash above his left eye, and blood trickles down his cheek.]

Fall Victim: Excuse me? Excuse me. Uh, hi, hi, I need some help here? Hi? Can you help me? Please?

[The receptionist turns around and notices him. With her hair stacked up and a large mole near the corner of her mouth, she sets down a clipboard and walks toward him.]

Nadeen: Simma down na.

Fall Victim: I, I need to see a doctor right away.

Nadeen: I just said to simma DOWN na!

Fall Victim: What?

Nadeen: [shouting] SIMMA DOWN NA! Can’t ya HEAH? I wantya ta simma down na, and tell me just what OCCUHED.

Fall Victim: What “occuhed” is, I fell from my apartment balcony and gashed my head on a sprinkler.

Nadeen: Looks like ya cracked ya noggin, there! [reaches up and knuckles his forehead]

Fall Victim: OW! God!

Nadeen: How many stories?

Fall Victim: How--what? How many--

Nadeen: How many stories ya DROP, na?

Fall Victim: One. One, one floor.

Nadeen: Just one? Have a seat. [points to chairs]

Fall Victim: [frantic] What? Not enough floors to get my head stitched up?!

Nadeen: Sir, on behalf of Augustus General, I’d like to invite you to SIMMA DOWN NA! [thrusts a clipboard at him] Now, kindly fill out these forms and have a seat over HEAH! [points to chairs] No blood on da clipboard, na!

[He walks slowly away, and then an orderly comes in from the hallway and pushes a patient in a wheelchair slowly near the desk.]

Nadeen: [rushing around desk] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow it DOWN na! Slow it DOWN na!

Orderly: [puzzled] I wasn’t going that fast.

Nadeen: What you think, this is a Doc Daytona Five Hundra? Huh?

Orderly: What?

Nadeen: Where da brake?

Orderly: What?

Nadeen: Where da BRAKE?

Orderly: [points down to wheels] There.

Nadeen: USE it, na! Now get! GET!!

[After she shoos them away, a man and a woman rush into the room.]

Motorcyclist's Wife: Excuse me, excuse me, my husband’s been in a motorcycle accident, I think he’s broke his wrist!

Motorcyclist: [painfully] Yeah, I, I can’t move it!

Motorcyclist's Wife: It’s swelling up really badly.

Nadeen: [shouting] All right, everybody SIMMA DOWN NA!!

Motorcyclist: Listen, I would love to simmer down now, but you see, my wrist is shattered, so I would encourage you to ADMIT me now.

Nadeen: Sir, your sass is unappreciated heah. So before your other wrist becomes shattahed, I suggest you fill out these forms, and have a seat, and then simma down...

Motorcyclist: And simmer down now, right?

Nadeen: That’s cor-rect!

[The couple starts walking toward the hallway.]

Nadeen: Not over there! Over HEAH! [points to seats]

Motorcyclist: Where?

Nadeen: Over HEAH! What, did ya shattah ya hearing drum in addition?!

Motorcyclist: [outraged] Who the HELL do--

Nadeen: Hey!! Hey!! Hey!! [imitates shifting gears] Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii--mmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa--doooooooooooooooooooooooooowwn--na! [pretends to lock gearshift] Simma down na!

[cheers and applause]

Motorcyclist's Wife: [evenly] You’re a freak!

Nadeen: Simma.

[As the two walk away, a man walks up in a mechanic’s jacket. His right arm is a bandaged stump at the end, and he carries a bag in his left.]

Man With Severed Hand: Excuse me, excuse me, I’ve been simmering for about three hours. I think I’m gonna pass out. I don’t know how much longer my hand can last.

[He raises a plastic bag which holds a severed hand on ice.]

Nadeen: Sir, sir, may I ask you to help yourself to this magazine... [hands it to him] ...while I contact ya proper insurance carriah. Now tell me, who has your association been with? Blue Cross? Blue Shield?

Man With Severed Hand: No, I’m with an HMO.

Nadeen: Well, in that case, I want you ta take this “War and Peace”... [hands him thick copy of “War and Peace”] ...sit yaself down on a low heat, and continya to simma.

[He walks morosely away.]

Nadeen: [lifts bag] Take ya hand na!! Take ya hand na!!

[He fetches his hand and scurries back. A moment later, a man in a leather jacket walks up with a cigarette in his hand.]

Man With Headache: [calmly] Hi. I think I got a headache.

Nadeen: [points toward hallway] Sir, go right inside those doors, right there, suh!

[He walks nonchalantly toward the hallway. The motorcyclist, his wife, and the fall victim all storm up to the desk.]

Fall Victim: Wait a minute!

Motorcyclist: What the HELL?!

Motorcyclist's Wife: That’s not fair!!

Nadeen: [holds up hands] SIMMA! SIMMA! SIMMA! Everybody SIMMA DOWN NA!!! All right. Now you have made a valid obsahvation. And since the squeaky wheel get the grease, I will provide medical assistance TA ya! [into microphone] Pagin’ Doctah Montgomra. Doctor Montgomra. Please! We need ya help up in heah! Doctor Mont-Montgomra.

[Dr. Montgomery walks in with a white smock and a wavy bouffant.]

Nadeen: Here she come.

Fall Victim: Finally!

Dr. Montgomery: [in professional voice] Nadeen, I’m sorry for the delay. [to patients] What seems to be the problem?

[All the patients talk at once.]

Motorcyclist's Wife: My husband had a motorcycle accident!

Motorcyclist: My wrist is shattered, ma’am!

Fall Victim: My head is bleeding profusely!

Dr. Montgomery: [holds up hands] WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! EVERYBODY SIMMA DOWN NA!!

Motorcyclist's Wife: WHAT?!

Motorcyclist and Fall Victim: WHAT?!

Dr. Montgomery: What part of “simma down” da ya na understan’?! The “simma,” the “down,” or the “na”?!

Motorcyclist: But we just want some... some...

Dr. Montgomery: [holds up an 8x10 of David Schwimmer] WHO DIS?!

Motorcyclist: [confounded] Schwimmer?

Dr. Montgomery: [holds up a copy of “The Wall Street Journal”] What’s da average listed heah?

Fall Victim: The Dow?

Dr. Montgomery: What a beava do to a log?

Motorcyclist's Wife: Uh, it, it gnaws on a log?

Dr. Montgomery: Put it all together na!

Motorcyclist: Schwimmer Dow gnaw?

Dr. Montgomery: Try it again! [to Chris] You!

Fall Victim: Uh, Schimmer Dow now?

Nadeen: Close but no cigah.

Dr. Montgomery: Last chance, FOR da MONEY!!

Motorcyclist's Wife: Uh... simmer down now?

Nadeen: WHOA! Winner!

Dr. Montgomery: [loudly] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, we have a winna! You can go ahead in, ma’am!

Motorcyclist's Wife: [squealing like a game show contestant] I WON, I WON, I WON!!

[She races through the doors into the hallway. Her husband and the fall victim look after her.]

Motorcyclist: [points to broken wrist] Wait a minute! No!! No!

Dr. Montgomery: You best simma!

Nadeen: Na, na!

Dr. Montgomery: Na!

Nadeen: Na, na!

Dr. Montgomery: Na!

Nadeen: Simma na!

Dr. Montgomery: Simma na!

Nadeen: [points to chairs] Sit down there and simma na!

[FADE to black over applause.]


Submitted by: Joe Cornfield