Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25 Episode 12




99l: Julianne Margulies / DMX

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

.....Colin Quinn
Joy Lipton.....Cheri Oteri

[FADE IN on the New York skyline with smokestacks steaming in the foreground.]

Announcer: Now, from the news capital of the world: it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[FADE to studio and ZOOM in on Colin at the anchor desk.]

Colin: Thank you, folks!

[cheers and applause]

Colin: Simmer down now! Hi, I’m Colin Quinn, and here are tonight’s top stories:

[Monitor shows Hillary Clinton’s head superimposed next to the White House.]

Colin: Hillary Clinton finally announced her candidacy for the U.S. Senate this week, raising doubts as to whether she’ll be able to fulfill her White House duties while campaigning. Aides, however, assure voters that the campaign will in no way affect Hillary’s performance of the First Lady’s chief responsibility: looking the other way. [soft laughter] It’s a warm-up, c’mon.

[Monitor fades to Bill Clinton pointing at something and talking into his daughter Chelsea’s ear.]

Colin: While waiting for his wife’s announcement rally in upstate New York to begin, President Clinton took his daughter Chelsea to a local Starbucks, where 29-year-old Jennifer Cook offered the President a massage. Clinton responded to the offer by turning to his daughter and asking, “Shouldn’t you be helping your mom?” [dry laughter and groaning]

[Monitor fades to a grinning Hillary Clinton.]

Colin: The centerpiece of Hillary’s announcement was a biographical videotape in which the First Lady looks into the camera and brags, “I make a mean tossed salad.” You know, she’s definitely not... [stumbles] ...new-new-new to New York if she doesn’t know what “tossed salad” means. [laughter] How about THAT one....

[Monitor fades to a split image of a distracted George W. Bush and an angry John McCain.]

Colin: The Republican presidential race got personal this week, as George W. Bush, in an effort to portray John McCain as a Washington insider, began referring to his opponent as “Chairman McCain.” In response, McCain, now trying to paint Bush as a simpleton who owes all his success to his father, has started calling the Texas governor “Tori Spelling.” [cheers and applause] What, is she gonna hum it? Yeah, let’s kill her!

[Monitor fades to another split image, this time of Bush and Steve Forbes gritting his teeth.]

Colin: And publisher Steve Forbes dropped out of the Republican race Thursday after a poor showing in the Delaware primary. Political observers speculate that Forbes’s exit will boost George W. Bush’s campaign, since Forbes was splitting the important “spoiled rich kid” vote. [laughter]

[Monitor fades to a graphic of a stock ticker reading “EXPLOSION” above a “WALL ST” street sign.]

Colin: A small bomb exploded in the heart of Wall Street before daybreak Friday. A small bomb, or as the IRA calls it, an initial public offering. [laughter and applause]

[Monitor fades to a graphic of a computer with the words “CYBER TERRORISM” superimposed on the monitor.]

Colin: Online hackers last week waged a series of crippling assaults that shut down popular websites including e-trade and amazon.com, and created a state of near-emergency, in which people had to interact with other human beings. [laughter and applause]

Authorities... Yeah, man, that’s what it’s come to, man.

[Monitor fades to the seal of the FBI.]

Colin: Authorities, meanwhile, fear that internet crime is getting so bad, it’s not even safe to not leave your house anymore. [laughter]

[Monitor fades to the “ebay” logo.]

Colin: Among those hit by the internet terrorists this week was the auction site ebay, which shut down for six hours on Tuesday, resulting in a sales loss of an estimated six million dollars worth of useless crap. [laughter and applause]

[Monitor fades to a Barbie doll head and the “Mattel” logo.]

Colin: Toymaker Mattel announced this week that it will launch a new design for the Barbie doll that will permit her to twist and bend at the waist without joints showing, allowing her outfits to show her midriff. The doll even comes with a new boyfriend: [monitor fades to a photo of a balding middle-aged man] Tommy Mentoa. [laughter and applause] Ohhh-hhh. You work for Sony? What do you care?

[Monitor fades to the cover of “Gear” magazine, which shows a nude Jessica Biel with her breasts blacked out, along with the headline, “FALLEN ANGEL.”]

Colin: In hopes of being fired from her show, “7th Heaven,” 18-year-old Jessica Biel has deviated from her wholesome image and posed nude in the men’s magazine “Gear.” Yeah, that’ll get her fired. Has a job ever existed where someone said, “That hot 18-year-old who keeps taking off her clothes, get rid of her.” [laughter] Certainly not.

[Monitor fades to a frame of Charlie Brown being carried off the ballfield by the “Peanuts” gang.]

Colin: In tomorrow’s newspapers... [laughter] In tomorrow’s newspapers, Charles Schulz’s beloved “Peanuts” will end its 50-year run with the publication of its last original comic strip. In the final installment, Lucy and Charlie Brown are once again playing football, but this time, after she pulls the ball away so he can’t kick it, Charlie Brown goes to a nightclub and stabs two people. [laughter mingled with a few boos]

[Monitor fades to a photo of a galaxy with the caption, “BIG BANG THEORY.”]

Colin: Using complex atom-smashing experiments, scientists in Geneva this week found new evidence to support the Big Bang Theory, which holds that the universe was created after a huge explosion. Scientists now believe that the explosion occurred when a giant star, known as a nova, crashed into the back of another star, known as a Pinto. [laughter and applause]

[Monitor fades to logos of the Pfizer and Warner Lambert companies.]

Colin: Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, announced this week that it will acquire Warner Lambert, the maker of the cholesterol-fighting drug Lipitor, in a deal that will create the world’s second-largest drug company. The world’s largest drug comp--drug company, meanwhile, was unavailable for comment.

[Monitor fades to a photo of Nick Nolte with sunglasses and a cigarette dangling from his mouth. After a long moment of laughter, the monitor switches to the caption, “THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES, EVE ENSLER.”]

Colin: A conservative New York taxpaying group says that the critically acclaimed off-Broadway play, “The Vagina Monologues,” currently being performed at New York’s public colleges, is too sexual and, quote: “should be kicked off the campuses.” Sounds to me like it’s their time of the month. [nervous laughter] Heyyyy, heyyyy, I try...

[Monitor fades to a clean-cut man in a suit standing at a microphone and superimposed in front of the Austrian flag.]

Colin: Jorg Haider, the controversial leader of Austria’s anti-immigration Freedom Party, denied Wednesday that he is a Nazi sympathizer, as his critics charge, and inisisted that he is, quote: “a pure Democrat.” And by pure he means, “Aryan.” [laughter]

[Monitor fades to Bill Clinton giving a speech and raising his left fist.]

Colin: And President Clinton this week upset Irish advocates by urging the participants in the stalled Northern Ireland peace process to, quote: “belly up to the bar.” Clinton then insulted Israelis while trying to explain his Middle East peace plan when he offered: “Have I got a deal for you.” [mild laughter] Small.

[CUT to a frontal shot of Colin at the desk.]

Colin: With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, love may or may not be in the air unless you try and find the perfect gift. Here with some shopping hints from the boutique, The Erotic Attic, on 112th and Lexington, is Joy Lipton, everybody.

[PAN over to Joy, who sits with touseled hair, dark-rimmed glasses, and a dark orange shirt, as the audience cheers and applauds.]

Joy: [in a high, quavering voice] Thank you, Co--thank you, Colin. Colin, I’ve lassoed up just a few of the Valentine’s Day gifts that are sure to make you O.K. in HER corral. [laughter] Colin, I’m sure you’ve heard of edible panties, edible bras. [in an off-key singsong voice] I know. Been there. Done that. But... but here’s a gift that will surely put you back in HER flavor. Did I say “flavor”? I sure did. [laughter] When they’re fruit roll-up condoms...

[She holds up two sealed condoms in her hands.]

Joy: They come in two bold and sexy flavors. [opens up condom] Strawberry White and Divine Brownie.

[She takes a bite out of the Strawberry White and chews stiffly.]

Joy: Just had sex, Colin? We can tell, ‘cause your Little Richard’ll be singin, “Tutti frutti... oh, Rudy!”

[She stiffly waves her arm as the audience cackles.]

Colin: [dryly] It doesn’t sing.

Joy: That’s what SHE said. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Has making love become ho-hum in the... Casa de Quinn?

Colin: [gestures toward camera] Feel free to focus on the audience.

Joy: Is she just a damsel in distress when you ride in on your horse, Colin?

Colin: Once again, the audience is out THERE. [points toward camera]

Joy: Well, if she is, maybe she’s just looking for a hero. [spreads out hands] Introducing my vibrating hero.

[She pulls out a plastic replica of a hero sandwich with a dial at one end.]

Joy: Or as some call it, “The Love Sub.” ‘Cause a submarine will go deep... [stammers] ...can go deep, giving her hours of erotic enjoyment. [hands hero to Colin] Just flick the switch and watch her go.

[Colin takes the hero with a look of disgust and attempts halfheartedly to turn it on. Joy switches the dial, and it makes a sound like a small chain saw.]

Colin: Good God.

[Joy snatches it away from him and turns it off.]

Joy: So, rub it, smack it, let her attack it. [haltingly] It’s... it’s okay, ‘cause it’s my hero. [holds it next to her face] My hero...

[Laughter and applause as she sets it aside.]

Joy: I know what you’re thinking, Colin.

Colin: You couldn’t possibly.

Joy: You are thinking, “Hey, Joy. What about him?” Well, start practicing your catcalls, Colin, ‘cause everyone will be wearing a hardhat when she walks on the construction site in this number...

[She climbs up onto the desk and pulls off her sweater to reveal a multicolored, flowered slip.]

Joy: Here you go. It’s called “Stairway to Heaven.”

Colin: Whoa!

[She shyly tugs at the bottom of the slip as the audience gives laughs, cheers, and wolf whistles.]

Joy: Made of a comfortable polyester blend. Turn your night of passion...

[She slowly lowers herself onto the desk in a suggestive pose, aiming her rear end squarely at Colin Quinn.]

Joy: Into a... into a dangerous safari as he hunts down this--wildcat. Hey, hey, Colin? Got milk? Purr...

[riotous squeals of laughter]

Colin: Excuse me, Joy, maybe you should get down before you get hurt.

Joy: [easing off desk] I’m all right, I’ve done this before...

[She suddenly slips onto the floor behind the desk. Colin reaches over to help, but she springs back to her feet.]

Joy: It’s okay. Uh-oh, I think it’s getting hot in here. [sits down unsteadily] So, Colin, on Valentine’s Day... [turns to him]

Colin: [points] Out, out there.

Joy: On Valentine’s Day, you’ve got it goin’ on down at The Erotic Attic. Tell ‘em Joy sent you.

[She fiddles with her right hand for a second, makes a brief “OK” sign to herself, then abruptly licks her finger and presses her bare left arm.]

Joy: Sssst.

Colin: Joy Lipton, everybody! Joy Lipton!

[wild cheers and applause]

Colin: I’m Colin Quinn. That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it!

[He giggles and cringes as Joy tickles him under the chin with the vibrating hero. She tickles his body with it for a second, then FADE to black.]


Submitted by: Sean


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