Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 13




99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple

Ben Affleck's Monologue

.....Ben Affleck
.....Gwyneth Paltrow

Ben Affleck: It's great to be in New York, and I'm excited to be hosting "Saturday Night Live"! I've been a fan of the show my entire life.. in fact, I was on the show, last year, when Gwyneth Paltrow hosted. When Gwyneth was doing her monologue, I stood up and asked a question, and I got a laugh. I thought it was a pretty big laugh. I guess it was big enough to be asked back to host. And it was fun, and I was there to support her. And I'm just happy to say that she came back to support me! [ walks into audience to point out Gwyneth Paltow in the front row ]

Gwyneth Paltrow: You're doing great!

Ben Affleck: Thanks for coming. [ he kisses her, then returns to center stage, where Gwyneth follows ] Oh, you're coming up here? Great. That's great.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Why? Do you not want me here?

Ben Affleck: No, really, of course. I'm glad you're here. Thanks for your support. It's terrific.

Gwyneth Paltrow: You want me to leave?

Ben Affleck: No!

Gwyneth Paltrow: Are you sure?

Ben Affleck: Yeah! No! I'm thrilled that you're here, it's great. I'm thrilled!

Gwyneth Paltrow: You don't really seem thrilled.

Ben Affleck: I'm really, really, really glad that you're here. It's just that when I was here I stayed in the audience.. but I'm happy that you're here. I'm glad you came on.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Right. This is your night, and you want me to sit down?

Ben Affleck: No, no, no, no, no! I mean, eventually, yeah. I'm just saying it's like when you won your Oscar. I stayed in my seat, it was cool, I let you have your moment, because I already knew what it felt like to win an Oscar.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah, that's right, you did win - for writing. God, it's really exciting to stand there all alone, isn't it?

Ben Affleck: I won mine with Matt, we were both up there.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Well, that's still good!

Ben Affleck: Great! I'll see you after the show! [ tries to push her off the stage ]

Gwyneth Paltrow: I just thought you looked a little lost..

Ben Affleck: No, I think it was going pretty good.. right up until now.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay. You know what? You are doing great. I'm sure with your writing skills, you're gonna do a great show.

Ben Affleck: Now, I didn't write the show.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Yeah, I know, because Matt's not here.
Ben Affleck: Thanks! Thanks alot! Anything else you want to say?

Gwyneth Paltrow: Well, I don't know if the audience wants to hear anything more from me.. [ audience applauds loudly ] Really?! Ben has a great show for you - Fiona Apple is here! Stick around, Ben's gonna be right back!

Ben Affleck: I wanted to say that..


SNL Transcripts