99m: Ben Affleck / Fiona Apple
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell
John McCain.....Chris Parnell
Alan Keyes.....Tim Meadows
Announcer: And now, from the news capitol of the world, it's "Weekend Update with Colin Quinn."
Colin Quinn: Hi, I'm Colin Quinn and here are today's top stories.
George W. Bush got his campaign back on track with a victory over Arizona Senator John McCain in today's South Carolina primary. Bush garnered 54 percent of the vote, prompting the ecstatic Texas Governor to declare, "I haven't gotten grades like this since Yale!"
Political insiders believe George W. Bush's victory today could set the tone for the campaign since South Carolina is always a good indication as to how the rest of the country will vote in 1850.
Colin Quinn: And so, with over 91% of the precincts reporting in South Carolina, it does appear that George W. Bush has beaten challenger Senator John McCain by a 13% margin. As part of our continuing campaign coverage, we go now, live, to Bush Campaign Headquarters in Charleston, where the Texas Governor is preparing to speak.
[ cut to Bush Campaign Headquarters ]
George W. Bush: Woo! I won! By 13%. That's a lot, right? That's like half a pie! Right? But, seriously.. this is not fun. I wish my daddy would just tell me when I get to be president, 'cause it's just too hard fighting John McCain all across all these 52 states. He's mean! Isn't there just someone that could tell him that I get to be President? He know this thing's rigged, right? Right?
[ cut back to Colin Quinn in the studio ]
Colin Quinn: There you have it. The winner, George W. Bush, addressing his supporters in Charleston, South Carolina. Let's turn now to John McCain's headquarters, where I'm being told the Senator is about to concede.
[ cut to McCain Campaign Headquarters ]
John McCain: Thank you. I just put in a call to Governor Bush, conceding his victory here in South Carolina. [ supporters boo ] No, no.. We fought a hard battle, and I thought we learned a lot here. For instance, I do regret having gone negative against Governor Bush, and it probably didn't help that I told a New York Times reporter that I call Vietnamese people Gooks. But I do want to reiterate, when I said the word "Gook" I was on my campaign bus, the Straight Talk Express. And you gotta remember, the Straight Talk Express is for telling the truth, and that truth can be embarrassing sometimes. For example, just the other day I was on the Straight Talk Express, and I said, "I've seen the movie 'Ghost' 20 times." A little embarrassing, but that's the Straight Talk Express. It's a very special bus. I could say anything like, "I happen to like pretty ponies" or, "If I could get rid of anyone in this world, it would be the Gooks." That's the kind of shoot-from-the-hip you'll get from me when I'm on the Straight Talk Express. So keep in mind, if you decide to drop by the Straight Talk Express, be prepared to hear the truth, and make sure you're not a Gook, or I'll strangle you. Thank you, and I'll see you in Michigan!
[ cut back to Colin Quinn in the studio ]
Colin Quinn: That was Senator John McCain, conceding defeat in South Carolina tonight. Finally, we go to Alan Keyes' headquarters, where the distant third-place finisher is expected to concede, or may even announce his withdrawal from the race. Let's listen in.
[ cut to Keyes Campaign Headquarters ]
Alan Keyes: [ over his applause ] Thank you all, thank you! Thank you, Alan Keyes supporters, thank you! [ he raises a boombox and shuts off the pre-recorded applause ] As you all are undoubtedly aware, just a moment ago Senator John McCain graciously conceded defeat. And now, all that is left is the inevitable. I Alan Keyes.. must wait for George W. Bush to conced defeat as well! [ turns his applause ] Thank you! Thank you! [ shuts it off again ] While I have not yet recieved one vote, there is still 2% of precincts left to report, and I am confident I will win! Then it is on to Michigan, on to Super Tuesday, on to the White House and the Presidency of the United States! [ crickets can be heard ]
Offscreen Voice: Buddy, you gotta wrap up. We're closing in, like, five minutes.
Alan Keyes: Yes. I am aware of that. Thank you. My fellow Americans, I have heard your voice. I have heard the clarion call.. [ the lights are turned off ] I'm not done yet!
Offscreen Voice: I gotta close up, buddy. Sorry.
Alan Keyes: This is absurd, I am a presidential candidate! [ the sound of crickets can be heard ] Say, listen, can you give me a ride to the bus station?
Offscreen Voice: No!
Alan Keyes: I shall walk, then! Thank you, South Carolina!
Colin Quinn: Our candidates, everybody.
Donald Trump's announcement Monday that he will not vie for the Reform Party Presidential nomination has left the remaining candidates scrambling for that all-important elderly, casino slot machine addict vote.
On Monday, Democratic presidential hopefuls Al Gore and Bill Bradley will meet for a crucial debate in Harlem. One of the top issues to be covered: Which One of Them is Whiter?
The Virginia State Senate unanimously agreed Tuesday to honor Martin Luther King, Jr. alongside Confederate Generals, Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson, during a four-day weekend in January. The extra day off will allow time for residents to clean up after the riots.
Colin Quinn: I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.