Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 14

99n: Joshua Jackson / *NSYNC

Newsmen Phone Chat

Ted Koppel.....Darrell Hammond
Tom Brokaw.....Chris Parnell
Bernard Shaw.....Tim Meadows
.....Molly Shannon

[ open on exterior, Ted Koppel's townhouse, evening, as his phone rings ]

[ dissolve to interior, Ted's bathroom, where he sits in a relaxing bubble bath ]

Ted Koppel: [ shakes bubbles off his hand, then answers the phone ] Hello. Ted Koppel here. [ his tug of the receiver knocks the rest of the phone to the floor ]

[ split-screen to reveal Ted on the left, Tom Brokaw seated in his study on the right ]

Tom Brokaw: What's up, Ted? It's me, Tom Brokaw.

Ted Koppel: [ imitating the Budweiser commercials ] Whasssup?!

Tom Brokaw: Whassupp?!

Ted Koppel: Whasssup?!

Tom Brokaw: Whassupp?! [ pauses, sighs ] Well.. the primaries are over.

Ted Koppel: Ah, it looks like Bush and Gore, don't it?

Tom Brokaw: Yes, it does - Bush and Gore. Gore and Bush. Three more months. We are screwed!

Ted Koppel: Royally, my friend. Royally. We are facing eight months of a news drought, the likes of which we've never seen.

Tom Brokaw: Well, at least you can put Cokie Roberts in your seat and claim you're on "vacation." I got no way out - the ratings are gonna plummet.

Ted Koppel: Hey, don't you think I know that. I can barely look at those two any more. I mean, they really put me off my eggs, Tom! I swear to God, Al Gore's head looks like a pressed ham! I'm not kidding. And how about that weasely little mouth on George Bush? Looks like a tear in a vinyl hemmorhoid cushion.

Tom Brokaw: I'm scared, Ted. For the firsttime in my life, I'm really scared.

Ted Koppel: Tom, I'm not freakin' Sly Stallone over here, either. Face it - it's Gore.. and it's Bush.

Tom Brokaw: Good God! We are TOAST!! Game over, man! GAME OVER!!

Ted Koppel: Oh, man. You know, at least we only have to do a half-hour a day. The guys at CNN are crappin' in their drawers.

Tom Brokaw: You know it! Hey, hold on - let me call my buddy, Bernard Shaw on three-way. I'm gonna put you on hold for a sec.

Ted Koppel: Alright.

[ cut to single-screen shot of Tom as he dials the third line ]

[ cut to split-screen to reveal Bernard Shaw answering his cell phone on the left, Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get it On" starting up in the background ]

Bernard Shaw: Hello.

Tom Brokaw: Bernard. It's the Bro-man. Whassupp?!

Bernard Shaw: Whassssupp?! [ a beat ] I'm just watching "Money Line" and havin' a buzz. Whassup with you?

Tom Brokaw: Ah, you know - same old, same old. I got Koppel on the line.

Bernard Shaw: Yeah? Put that ol' fathead on!

[ single-screen of Tom pressing his phone buttons ]

Tom Brokaw: Hey, Ted. I got Bernard Shaw on the line.

[ cut to triple split-screen of Ted on the left, Tom in the middle, Bernard on the right rolling a doobie ]

Ted Koppel: Hey, Bernard. I guess you guys over there CNN must be pretty mad over this whole Bush-Gore thing.

Bernard Shaw: No, not really. You know how it is over here on cable. [ licks his doobie paper ]

Tom Brokaw: Dammit, Shaw-shank! How can you be so relaxed?! Watching this election go down without McCain, is like watching porno with your hands tied behind your back. Not fun at all!

Ted Koppel: Yeah - these guys make George, Sr. and Dukakis look like a biker orgy!

Bernard Shaw: [ chuckles ] Hey, guys, take it easy, alright? I suggest you sit back, put on some tunes, and light up a fattie. [ smokes his homemade joint, as a scantily-clad Molly Shannon pounces onto his bed with champagne glasses ] Ohhh, hey! Thanks, Sugar.

Molly Shannon: Here you go. Who are you on the phone with?

Bernard Shaw: Oh, I'm talking to Ted Koppel and Brokaw. [ into the phone ] Look, fellas, what can we do? It's Gore by 10% in November.

Tom Brokaw: Uh, Bernard - did we call you at a bad time?

Bernard Shaw: [ laughs ] No, it's cool! I'm just relaxin' with m'lady!

Tom & Ted: Hello, Molly.

Molly Shannon: Hey, how you guys doin'? Sorry about the primaries.

Tom Brokaw: Well, it can't be any easier for you and that bunch of cut-ups over at SNL.

Molly Shannon: Oh, you got that, right, Tom. No one cares about Bush and Gore. Besides, Darrell Hammond does a really lousy Al Gore!

Ted Koppel: [ defensive ] Whoa-oh! Well, I, for one, don't think it's so bad, Molly Shannon.

Tom Brokaw: Hey, guys, I've got an idea: why don't we all agree to really take hold of the issues? Get out there and do some investigative reporting. Old-fashioned news. SCREW the ratings!!

[ all three men laugh joyously ]


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