99o: The Rock / AC/DC
Jimmy Olsen ... Jimmy Fallon
Lois Lane ... Molly Shannon
Perry White ... Chris Parnell
Clark Kent ... The Rock
[Music: a variation on John Williams' "Superman"
theme. It's about 3:20 PM in the fictional city of
Metropolis. Exterior of a newspaper building marked
"Daily Planet." Dissolve to the Daily Planet newsroom
where middle-aged editor Perry White, beautiful girl
reporter Lois Lane and young photographer Jimmy Olsen
crowd around a window, waving to the departing
Superman. We hear the whooshing sound of the
well-known comic book superhero as he flies off but we
do not see him -- only some whirling paper caught in
Jimmy Olsen: Bye, Superman!
Lois Lane: Bye!
Perry White: Bye!
[Lois, Jimmy and Perry retreat from the
Lois Lane: Ah, well, there goes
Jimmy Olsen: Yeah. You know what that
Lois Lane: Yeah.
Perry White: Uh huh. Here we go again. [checks
his wristwatch] And - five, four, three, two
Clark Kent: [enters as if on cue] Hello,
[Kent is, of course, Superman -- very poorly disguised
as a bespectacled mild-mannered reporter in a
conservative gray suit: the blue sleeves of his
Superman outfit stick out from under his white shirt
sleeves, part of his red cape sticks out from his
collar, the red "S" insignia on his chest can be seen
through his thin white shirt front, his necktie is
Lois, Jimmy and Perry: [tired sing-song, as if
they've said this a thousand times] Hi, Clark!
Clark Kent: Gosh, I'm sorry I had to step out
so suddenly. I just had to, uhhhh ...
Perry White: [to Lois and Jimmy] This is
gonna be good.
Clark Kent: I just had to go down to the, uh,
mail place and, uh, uh, mail some of my mail.
Perry White: Oh, ho, of course you did!
Lois Lane: Mmmm.
Clark Kent: Say, I didn't happen to miss
Superman again, did I?
[Lois, Jimmy and Perry can barely keep from cracking
up with laughter at their own ironic
Jimmy Olsen: Yeah, yeah. You sure missed him.
Lois Lane: Boy, it's a shame you keep missing
Superman, Clark. You know, maybe you'd get a chance to
meet him if we could only figure out - his secret
identity! [giggles as Perry and Jimmy try not to
Perry White: Oh, good luck on that one, Lois!
You know, whoever Superman is, one thing's for sure --
the guy is undoubtedly a master of disguise!
Clark Kent: That's right. Yes, I - I think - I
think you're right. We'll probably never know who
Superman is. Now, if you'll excuse me, everyone -- I,
Clark Kent, have to get back to work.
Perry White: You do that.
Jimmy Olsen: Okie-doke.
Lois Lane: You do that. Okie-dokie!
[Kent retreats to his desk, allowing us a glimpse of
his bright red socks. Lois, Jimmy and Perry snicker
and confer quietly on the opposite side of the room as
Kent sits and works at his typewriter.]
Lois Lane: What - a - bonehead!
Perry White: You said it! This guy is really
not pulling off this whole "Clark Kent"
Lois Lane: Mmm. Well, at least, he is
calling himself "Clark Kent" now. I mean, remember
when he first got here, he was calling himself "Supe
Jimmy Olsen: Yeah! He had - he had all his
paychecks sent to the Fortress of Solitude!
Perry White: Hey, hey, you wanna see something
funny? Watch this. [clears his throat, calls to Kent]
Hey, Clark! How's that story coming over
Clark Kent: Oh, it's comin' along fine, Mr.
Perry White: Oh, and, uh, how long do you think
it's gonna be, Superman?
Clark Kent: Well, after I make a few cuts, I--
Uh, er, that is-- [looks around] Is Superman here?
'Cuz I'm not Supe-- er ... Yeesh! [nervously runs a
finger under his collar]
Perry White: Oh, did I say "Superman"? My bad.
[chuckles] I meant "Clark," of course. Ah, carry on,
[Kent goes back to typing as Lois, Jimmy and Perry
confer quietly again.]
Jimmy Olsen: God, that was weak, man. Maybe
he's serious with this thing, you know?
Lois Lane: See, that's what I'm saying! Look at
this column that he wrote. [picks up a newspaper] Um,
okay ... [reads aloud] "In south Metropolis yesterday,
an unidentified man was shot seven times. Sources at
the scene say the bullets did not bounce off his
chest, um, er, not that they should on ordinary humans
like us." [Perry sighs] I mean, couldn't he have just
edited that out?
Perry White: Let me see that. [takes newspaper,
reads aloud] "The victim could have avoided being shot
if only he were faster than a speeding bullet, like
me. Dot, dot, dot. Oh, man, you're doing it again.
Play it cool, Superman, play it cool." [throws the
paper down in disbelief] Well, that's just plain
Jimmy Olsen: And it's - it's terrible
reporting. How come we - How come we've not fired him
Lois Lane: Oh, give him a break. He's saved the
entire city hundreds of times!
Jimmy Olsen: Doesn't mean he's a joy to have
around the office. I mean, the guy's really a slob.
Perry White: Yeah, apparently, fighting for
Truth, Justice and the American Way doesn't include
flushing when you're done in the can.
Jimmy Olsen: Amen. I swear, if I gotta go in
there one more time and see one of his brown
"kryptonite chunks" floatin' around ... Not cool, not
Lois Lane: Hey, let's go screw with
Perry White: Right on.
[Mischievously, Lois, Jimmy and Perry join Kent at his
Lois Lane: Say, there, uh, Clark. That was
pretty amazing how, uh, Superman destroyed that meteor
Clark Kent: Well, I wouldn't know, Lois. I was
nowhere nearby. [chuckles]
Jimmy Olsen: Uh, y-- Hey, yeah and it's also
weird that that guy, uh, Superman is a full-on,
Clark Kent: Well, that's what they say-- Oh,
wha--? What? Huh? Wa - wait a minute. [chuckles]
Superman isn't gay!
Lois Lane: Oh, sure he is.
Jimmy Olsen: Real gay.
Clark Kent: No, no. Now, wait. I always heard
he was pretty manly.
Perry White: Oh, ho ho! No way! You get
Superman in a truck stop men's room, you won't need
kryptonite to bring him to his knees.
Clark Kent: Hey, hey, hey! Come on! Really!
Superman isn't gay! Sure, he experimented a
little back in Smallville ...
[Lois, Jimmy and Perry try to suppress their
Jimmy Olsen: [to Lois and Perry] I was just
makin' that up, I swear!
Lois Lane: [to Jimmy] Shut up, shut up!
Clark Kent: ... but that doesn't make him
Perry White: [trying to keep a straight face,
clears his throat] Hey, everybody, I just heard over
the police scanner, a tobacco store downtown has
"Prince Albert in a Can"!
Clark Kent: [genuinely alarmed] Someone's
kidnapped the prince? [catches himself] Uh, er, er...
Boy! [fakes a yawn] I'm tired. I - I - I think that I
will, uh, I'll go to bed now. [rises, grabs hat and
coat and heads for the exit]
Lois Lane: Okay, then, Clark. Well, we'll tell
you what happened to the prince.
Clark Kent: [pauses in the doorway,
reassuringly] Oh, I think he'll be just fine, Lois.
[puts on his ill-fitting reporter's hat] Just
[Kent exits. Lois, Jimmy and Perry bust out laughing.
Music: dramatic pseudo-"Superman" theme. Cut to
spinning newspaper -- the front page headline on the
Daily Planet reads: SUPERMAN MURDERS INNOCENT
TOBACCONIST. An accompanying photo shows a shrugging