Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 15

99o: The Rock / AC/DC

Clark Kent

Jimmy Olsen ... Jimmy Fallon
Lois Lane ... Molly Shannon
Perry White ... Chris Parnell
Clark Kent ... The Rock

[Music: a variation on John Williams' "Superman" theme. It's about 3:20 PM in the fictional city of Metropolis. Exterior of a newspaper building marked "Daily Planet." Dissolve to the Daily Planet newsroom where middle-aged editor Perry White, beautiful girl reporter Lois Lane and young photographer Jimmy Olsen crowd around a window, waving to the departing Superman. We hear the whooshing sound of the well-known comic book superhero as he flies off but we do not see him -- only some whirling paper caught in his backdraft.]

Jimmy Olsen: Bye, Superman!

Lois Lane: Bye!

Perry White: Bye!

[Lois, Jimmy and Perry retreat from the window.]

Lois Lane: Ah, well, there goes Superman.

Jimmy Olsen: Yeah. You know what that means.

Lois Lane: Yeah.

Perry White: Uh huh. Here we go again. [checks his wristwatch] And - five, four, three, two ...

Clark Kent: [enters as if on cue] Hello, everybody.

[Kent is, of course, Superman -- very poorly disguised as a bespectacled mild-mannered reporter in a conservative gray suit: the blue sleeves of his Superman outfit stick out from under his white shirt sleeves, part of his red cape sticks out from his collar, the red "S" insignia on his chest can be seen through his thin white shirt front, his necktie is askew, etc.]

Lois, Jimmy and Perry: [tired sing-song, as if they've said this a thousand times] Hi, Clark!

Clark Kent: Gosh, I'm sorry I had to step out so suddenly. I just had to, uhhhh ...

Perry White: [to Lois and Jimmy] This is gonna be good.

Clark Kent: I just had to go down to the, uh, mail place and, uh, uh, mail some of my mail.

Perry White: Oh, ho, of course you did!

Lois Lane: Mmmm.

Clark Kent: Say, I didn't happen to miss Superman again, did I?

[Lois, Jimmy and Perry can barely keep from cracking up with laughter at their own ironic comments:]

Jimmy Olsen: Yeah, yeah. You sure missed him. Imagine that.

Lois Lane: Boy, it's a shame you keep missing Superman, Clark. You know, maybe you'd get a chance to meet him if we could only figure out - his secret identity! [giggles as Perry and Jimmy try not to chortle]

Perry White: Oh, good luck on that one, Lois! You know, whoever Superman is, one thing's for sure -- the guy is undoubtedly a master of disguise! [giggles]

Clark Kent: That's right. Yes, I - I think - I think you're right. We'll probably never know who Superman is. Now, if you'll excuse me, everyone -- I, Clark Kent, have to get back to work.

Perry White: You do that.

Jimmy Olsen: Okie-doke.

Lois Lane: You do that. Okie-dokie!

[Kent retreats to his desk, allowing us a glimpse of his bright red socks. Lois, Jimmy and Perry snicker and confer quietly on the opposite side of the room as Kent sits and works at his typewriter.]

Lois Lane: What - a - bonehead!

Perry White: You said it! This guy is really not pulling off this whole "Clark Kent" routine!

Lois Lane: Mmm. Well, at least, he is calling himself "Clark Kent" now. I mean, remember when he first got here, he was calling himself "Supe R. Mann"?

Jimmy Olsen: Yeah! He had - he had all his paychecks sent to the Fortress of Solitude!

Perry White: Hey, hey, you wanna see something funny? Watch this. [clears his throat, calls to Kent] Hey, Clark! How's that story coming over there?

Clark Kent: Oh, it's comin' along fine, Mr. White.

Perry White: Oh, and, uh, how long do you think it's gonna be, Superman?

Clark Kent: Well, after I make a few cuts, I-- Uh, er, that is-- [looks around] Is Superman here? 'Cuz I'm not Supe-- er ... Yeesh! [nervously runs a finger under his collar]

Perry White: Oh, did I say "Superman"? My bad. [chuckles] I meant "Clark," of course. Ah, carry on, Clark!

[Kent goes back to typing as Lois, Jimmy and Perry confer quietly again.]

Jimmy Olsen: God, that was weak, man. Maybe he's serious with this thing, you know?

Lois Lane: See, that's what I'm saying! Look at this column that he wrote. [picks up a newspaper] Um, okay ... [reads aloud] "In south Metropolis yesterday, an unidentified man was shot seven times. Sources at the scene say the bullets did not bounce off his chest, um, er, not that they should on ordinary humans like us." [Perry sighs] I mean, couldn't he have just edited that out?

Perry White: Let me see that. [takes newspaper, reads aloud] "The victim could have avoided being shot if only he were faster than a speeding bullet, like me. Dot, dot, dot. Oh, man, you're doing it again. Play it cool, Superman, play it cool." [throws the paper down in disbelief] Well, that's just plain lazy.

Jimmy Olsen: And it's - it's terrible reporting. How come we - How come we've not fired him yet?

Lois Lane: Oh, give him a break. He's saved the entire city hundreds of times!

Jimmy Olsen: Doesn't mean he's a joy to have around the office. I mean, the guy's really a slob.

Perry White: Yeah, apparently, fighting for Truth, Justice and the American Way doesn't include flushing when you're done in the can.

Jimmy Olsen: Amen. I swear, if I gotta go in there one more time and see one of his brown "kryptonite chunks" floatin' around ... Not cool, not cool.

Lois Lane: Hey, let's go screw with him.

Perry White: Right on.

[Mischievously, Lois, Jimmy and Perry join Kent at his desk.]

Lois Lane: Say, there, uh, Clark. That was pretty amazing how, uh, Superman destroyed that meteor today, huh?

Clark Kent: Well, I wouldn't know, Lois. I was nowhere nearby. [chuckles]

Jimmy Olsen: Uh, y-- Hey, yeah and it's also weird that that guy, uh, Superman is a full-on, out-of-the-closet homosexual.

Clark Kent: Well, that's what they say-- Oh, wha--? What? Huh? Wa - wait a minute. [chuckles] Superman isn't gay!

Lois Lane: Oh, sure he is.

Jimmy Olsen: Real gay.

Clark Kent: No, no. Now, wait. I always heard he was pretty manly.

Perry White: Oh, ho ho! No way! You get Superman in a truck stop men's room, you won't need kryptonite to bring him to his knees.

Clark Kent: Hey, hey, hey! Come on! Really! Superman isn't gay! Sure, he experimented a little back in Smallville ...

[Lois, Jimmy and Perry try to suppress their laughter.]

Jimmy Olsen: [to Lois and Perry] I was just makin' that up, I swear!

Lois Lane: [to Jimmy] Shut up, shut up!

Clark Kent: ... but that doesn't make him gay.

Perry White: [trying to keep a straight face, clears his throat] Hey, everybody, I just heard over the police scanner, a tobacco store downtown has "Prince Albert in a Can"!

Clark Kent: [genuinely alarmed] Someone's kidnapped the prince? [catches himself] Uh, er, er... Boy! [fakes a yawn] I'm tired. I - I - I think that I will, uh, I'll go to bed now. [rises, grabs hat and coat and heads for the exit]

Lois Lane: Okay, then, Clark. Well, we'll tell you what happened to the prince.

Clark Kent: [pauses in the doorway, reassuringly] Oh, I think he'll be just fine, Lois. [puts on his ill-fitting reporter's hat] Just fine.

[Kent exits. Lois, Jimmy and Perry bust out laughing. Music: dramatic pseudo-"Superman" theme. Cut to spinning newspaper -- the front page headline on the Daily Planet reads: SUPERMAN MURDERS INNOCENT TOBACCONIST. An accompanying photo shows a shrugging Superman.]

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