Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 16




99p: Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera

Elian, the Cuban Boy!

Announcer.....Darrell Hammond
Lead Immigrant.....Molly Shannon
Fidel Castro.....Christopher Walken
Sandra Millheart.....Ana Gasteyer
Elian Gonzalez.....Rachel Dratch
Juan Gonzalez.....Chris Kattan
Janet Reno.....Will Ferrell

OPEN ON: VIDEOTAPE OF “THE LION KING” GRAPHIC. MUSIC PLAYING UNDER.

Announcer: From the people who brought you “The Lion King”!

CUT TO: VIDEOTAPE OF “AIDA” GRAPHIC

Announcer: And the new musical “Aida”!

INT. BROADWAY STAGE

Mostly black. A bunch of ragtag Cuban immigrants packed in a cheap boat. Thunder and lightning booms behind them.

Announcer: Comes the story of one boy and his fight for freedom!

Immigrants: [singing]
"This boat’s a rockin’
And it lookin’ pretty bad
We ain’t gonna make it
But we gotta save the lad
Save the boy!”

Lead Immigrant: [singing] "Save Eliaaaan!"

CUT TO: ELIAN, THE CUBAN BOY! LOGO

Announcer: Elian, The Cuban Boy! With the magnificent Christopher Walken as the evil Fidel!

Fidel Castro: [singing]
"One little boy
In a tiny little boat
He’s making a mockery
Of meeeeee!
I will catch him
And show him
Fidel can be meaner
Than the sea!
Yes Fidel can be meaner
Than the sea!"

Castro laughs. SANDRA MILLHEART ENTERS. A spotlight shines on her.

Announcer: …and the angelic Sandra Millheart as the kind hearted American relative who risked it all to save a boy…

Sandra Millheart: [singing]
"This is my boy
He belongs to me
I’m going to steal him
If I can’t have him…
…legally!"

Announcer: An epic battle between good and evil.

Fidel Castro: [singing]
"I want to kill him!"

Sandra Millheart: [singing]
"He loves America."

Fidel Castro: [singing]
"I’ll stop at nothing!"

Sandra Millheart: [singing]
"I took him to Old Navy."

Fidel Castro: [singing]
"He’s gonna be a Commie."

Sandra Millheart: [singing]
"His favorite show is Kids Say the Darndest Things."

Both: [singing]
"Elian!!"

ELIAN GONZALEZ, wearing oversized overalls and a baseball cap, holds a football.

Announcer: Introducing David Mack Wilson as the lovable Elian Gonzalez!

Elian Gonzalez: [singing]
"I don’t wanna go home
I just want to play football
I gotta a buncha new pals
And a frog in my pocket!"

JANET RENO & JUAN GONZALEZ, sit side by side on Reno’s desk.

Announcer: With Richard Kyle Pierce as Juan Gonzalez and a special appearance by Attorney General Janet Reno.

Janet Reno: [singing]
"There’s a sacred bond
Between father and son
I will uphold the law
Until the deed is done."

Juan Gonzalez: [singing]
"My boy Elian
We’ve been so long apart
And you Janet Reno
Have lifted my heart."

Both: [singing]
"Oh look at us
Aren’t we a pair?
We want what’s best for the boy
We dooooo…
But in all the madness
We found each other
And… I fell in love with you."

[ They kiss. Elian’s now riding a dolphin. ]

Announcer: Come join Elian and his magic dolphin as they fly through the sky over our great, free land.

Elian Gonzalez: [singing]
"In every man
There’s a little boy
Just waiting to be free…
I know it’s true
‘Cause I had a dream
And in that dream was meeee…!!!"

Announcer: If you’ve ever loved a boy, this is a boy for all time! “Elian, The Cuban Boy!” The entire cast is grouped together.

All: [singing]
"Elian!"


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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