Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 16











99p: Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera

Fonzie

Fonzie.....Christopher Walken
Richie Cunningham.....Will Ferrell
Potsi.....Chris Kattan
Chachi.....Jimmy Fallon
Announcer.....Chris Parnell

[ FADE IN: ]

[ VARIOUS WORDS & TITLES CROSS THE SCREEN ]

Announcer: From the mind of Milos Forman, the acclaimed director of “The People vs. Larry Flynt” and “Man on the Moon”, comes another gripping true-life story of human redemption.

INT. BATHROOM

[ The FONZ gazes into a dirty vanity mirror. ]

Fonzie: You can win! You work in a garage, sure – but you’re more than that.

[ FREEZE FRAME ]

Announcer: The story of one, small-time ‘hood, who went on to become one of the most famous men in the world.

Fonzie: Everybody looks up to you. You come from nothing, now, you own this town. Get out there and show them who you are!

[ The Fonz goes to put his leather jacket. ]

Announcer: Christopher Walken is… Fonzie!

Fonzie: Aaaaeeeyyy!

INT. ARNOLD’S DRIVE-IN

[RICHIE CUNNINGHAM gives POTSI an icy glare. ]

Announcer:…with David Caruso as Richie Cunningham

Richie Cunningham: You listen to me – I’m tired of your mouth, BUCKO!

Announcer: …Al Pacino as Potsi…

Potsi: Don’t you get, Rich -- God gave me something SPECIAL! I can SING!

Announcer: A motion picture which lays bare the picture of the human soul.

Fonzie: Both of yousz – sit on it!

[ A FIST SWOOSHS ACROSS AND POUNDS THE JUKEBOX ]

Announcer: Fonzie – a stock portrait of a man unwilling to face his own fallibility.

Fonzie: Look, I admit it - I made a mistake! I was wrrrooooogh!

[ A SWITCHBLADE COMB FLIES OPEN ]

Announcer: Fonzie – the stirring story of a garage mechanic who once jumped a tiger shark on water skis.

INT. BATHROOM

[ Fonzie shadows over CHACHI as she ties a rubber tourniquet and holds a syringe in her other hand. ]

Announcer: …with a special uncredited performance by Hilary Swank as Chachi.

[ Jimmy starts chuckling. ]

Chachi: Don’t you get, Fonz? This stuff makes me feel good, ya know? Like nothing ever did before - not you, not Al, not Jenny Piccolo, not the Malachi Bros. – nobody! You want to take that away from me!!

[ Fonzie looks directly into the CAMERA ]

Fonzie: Correctamundo!

[ SUPER: THE NEW YORK TIMES LOGO ]

[ INSERT AUTHOR’S NAME & QUOTE ]

Announcer: Stephen Holden of The New York Times calls “Fonzie” a ‘cinematic experience so moving you’ll be ‘sitting on it’ for weeks afterward…’

INT. ARNOLD’S DRIVE-IN

[ Fonzie looms over the jukebox. ]

Announcer: “Fonzie” - a dark look into the torment of the coolest man in Milwaukee…

[ Walken asks for a stage direction then starts crying. ]

Fonzie: WHAT AM I!? WHAT HAVE I BECOME!? I call a men’s room “my office”! I own three articles of clothing!

[ Fonzie pulls out his switchblade comb. ]

Fonzie: I use a switchblade comb for a knife… for Christ’s Sake! And I’m not kidding!

Announcer: The pain of being a hero…

[ CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON FONZIE ]

Fonzie: I spent my whole life masking other people happy, but what about me!?!?!? Where are my “Happy Days”!? WHERE ARE MY “HAPPY DAYS”!?

[ UNFOCUSED IMAGE ]

[ BLACK SCREEN ]

[ SUPER: “Fonzie” – The heartache of one human soul… ]

Announcer: “Fonzie” – The heartache of one human soul… Aaaaeeeyyy!

[ end ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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