Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 16




99p: Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera

Miss Greenwood Hills Beauty Pageant

Announcer.....Darrell Hammond
Brett Lighthorse.....Christopher Walken
Miss I-90 Interchange.....Ana Gasteyer
Miss Clarksdale Mall.....Cheri Oteri
Sally O’Malley.....Molly Shannon

FADE IN:

EXT. GREENWOOD HILLS CIVIC AUDITORIUM – EVENING

CLOSE ON SIGN THAT READS: “MISS GREENWOOD HILLS BEAUTY PAGEANT TONIGHT 8PM”

INT. AUDITORIUM STAGE

MISS CLARKSDALE MALL and MISS I-90 INTERCHANGE, along with three other CONTESTANTS, are in evening gowns and sashes; make a choreographed entrance to the music.

PAGEANT MUSIC

Announcer (V/O): Ladies and gentleman, we’re down to our final round. One of these lovely ladies will be the next Miss Greenwood Hills!

SFX: APPLAUSE

Announcer (V/O): Now, once again, your host for the evening, Brett Lighthorse.

SFX: APPLAUSE

BRETT LIGHTHORSE enters in a poor man’s Bert Parks tuxedo.

MUSIC: CHEESY OLD-TIMEY BALLAD

Brett Lighthorse: [singing]
“She’s out there somewhere
So pretty and new
She’s some kind of lovely
Hey maybe she’s you
Miss Greenwood Hills
Where are you?
Miss Greenwood Hills
I’m waiting for you!”

SFX: APPLAUSE

Brett Lighthorse: Ladies, I didn’t think it was possible but you look even more gorgeous than you did ten minutes ago.

[ The girls giggle. ]

Brett Lighthorse: What I wouldn’t give to be 25 years-old again. But then again who needs to be young when you’re the Brett Lighthorse? Am I right?

[ The girls giggle. ]

Brett Lighthorse: Okay, let’s say hello to Miss Clarksdale Mall, Mimi Wallace.

SFX: APPLAUSE

Brett Lighthorse: Mimi, what’s the first thing you would do if you became Miss Greenwood Hills?

[ Miss Clarksdale Mall steps forward and grabs the mic. ]

Miss Clarksdale Mall: Well, Brett, the first stop for me would be the burn unit at the Children’s Hospital. I would just love to see their little red faces light up when they see me.

Brett Lighthorse: You’re going to make quite a mother someday. Good luck tonight. How about you, Miss I-90 Interchange, what would you do?

Miss I-90 Interchange: The first thing I would do is pick up a new Chevy Prism we’re supposed to win, trade it in for cash, and then buy a ticket to Tampa and get my baby back from that miserable drummer.

Brett Lighthorse: Lofty goals from a lofty, lofty young lady.

Sally O'Malley (O/S): Excuse me.

SALLY O’MALLEY enters carrying a purse.

Sally O'Malley: I heard there was a beauty pageant around here.

Brett Lighthorse: Can I help you?

Sally O'Malley: Ladies and gentleman, my name is Sally O’Malley and I’m proud to say I’m 50 years old. I’m not one of those gals who’s afraid to tell her real age like some other gals. And, I like to kick, stretch, and kick -- I’m fifty! 50 years-old, ladies and gentleman.

Brett Lighthorse: Judges? What do you think? Alright, well, this is by far the latest entry in this pageant’s history, but you got moxie. Why don’t you walk yourself right over there?

[ Sally gets in line. ]

Brett Lighthorse: Now, let’s move on to our classy gown competition.

Sally O'Malley: Mr. Lighthorse, I might not have a gown to go to town, but don’t frown, Buster Brown, ‘cause I like to scoot, scoot, scoot. And toot, toot, toot! If I had my steamboat with me I’d say “All Aboard!”

Brett Lighthorse: Fair enough. Step back, sweetheart. Girls, let’s see a little “Pose, pose, twirl.”

PAGEANT MUSIC

[ Miss Clarksdale, I-90, and Sally walk the runway. ]

Miss Clarksdale Mall: Pose… pose… twirl.

Miss I-90 Interchange: Pose… pose… twirl.

Sally O'Malley: I’m fifty!

Brett Lighthorse: Very nice, ladies…

[ Brett turns to Sally. ]

Brett Lighthorse: And also very disturbing. Get back in line.

[ Brett turns to the audience. ]

Brett Lighthorse: Alright, I can see our panel of judges has cast their final votes and I believe we have a decision? Tough as it may be.

[ A stagehand hands Brett an envelope. ]

SFX: DRUM ROLL

Brett Lighthorse: The first runner-up – Miss Clarksdale Mall, Stacy Albright!

SFX: APPLAUSE

[ Clarksdale reacts and gets hugs. ]

Miss Clarksdale Mall: I can’t believe I won!

Brett Lighthorse: You didn’t.

[ She steps back disappointed. ]

SFX: DRUM ROLL

Brett Lighthorse: And the winner… Miss Greenwood Hills 2000 is…

Sally O'Malley: Hold on, Mr. Lighthorse, the winner’s right in front of you.

Brett Lighthorse: What makes you a winner?

Sally O'Malley: Well, Mr. Lighthorse, I’ve got…

MUSIC: “PERSONALITY” by LLOYD PRICE

Sally O'Malley: [singing]
“Kick…
Personality…
Stretch…
Personality…
Shimmy…
Personality…
Strut…
Personality…
Dip…
Personality…
Twirl…
Personality!”

Brett Lighthorse: [singing]
“And plus she’s got
a mighty nice sweet can
So over and over
I’ll be a fool for you
Now over and over
What more can I do?”

Sally O'Malley: I’m fifty!

PAGEANT MUSIC

SFX: APPLAUSE

CAMERA FLASH. The flash FREEZE FRAMES. A black & white news photo. It’s the cover of The Greenwood Hills Gazette. Headline reads: “FIFTY YEAR-OLD TO WEAR CROWN!”

OUT


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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