99p: Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

Census-Taker.....Tim Meadows
Mr. Leonard.....Christopher Walken

[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We fly into the impenetrable discharge of two smokestacks.]

Announcer: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's "Weekend Update with Colin Quinn."

[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of New York from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / with COLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Studio 8H and the WU set, panning left and then zooming in on Colin Quinn seated at the WU desk.]

Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks. I don't know what to say! Why, thank you. I-- I'm touched. Hi, I'm Colin Quinn and here are today's top stories.

Today, the saga in Miami continues as Elian Gonzales woke up, had a nice breakfast, and went out to play. I'm sorry, folks, but as the members of the media, we're required to say the words "Elian Gonzales" every ten minutes. ...

By the way, for those of you who don't know, "Elian" is a traditional Cuban name meaning "political pawn." ...

Nonetheless, after a meeting with Elian Gonzales' father, Juan Gonzales, yesterday, Attorney General Janet Reno guaranteed that officials would arrange for Mr. Gonzales to reclaim his son. Following the meeting, a relieved Juan Gonzales said through an interpreter that he thinks the Attorney General is a very nice man or woman. ...

And now some news from the future. The year 2015. Earlier today, 21-year-old Elian Gonzales, the Cuban boy who was the center of an international custody battle in the year 2000, reportedly saw "MTV Spring Break" for the first time, and then attacked his father while screaming, "Thanks a lot, comrades!" ...

With the deadline fast approaching, only 53 percent of Americans have returned their census forms, well short of the minimum goal of 61 percent. My question is: How do they know that? ... Darv-- [cheers and applause] Ah! Oh ho! Oooh. Whoooo.

Ah, Darva Conger and Rick Rockwell from "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" appeared Wednesday at a Las Vegas family court hearing to annul their marriage. With their relationship finally over, young romantics now have only one couple left to look up to. [Photo of seemingly incestuous celebrity couple Angelina Jolie and her brother Jamie Haven] ...

Thirty years after they split up - Thirty years after they split up, folks, the three surviving members of the Beatles have collaborated on an autobiography called "Beatles Anthology" which they say will dispel some of the myths about their career. While there have been disagreements on the way they remember events, they do agree on one thing: Ringo types too slow. ...

A new talk show is airing on Court TV called "Live From Cell Block F" which featured North Carolina Sheriff Gerald Hege interviewing his actual inmates. Viewers may remember this show by its original name, "The NFL Today." ... [some applause]

And singer Mariah Carey was hospitalized in Boston this week after suffering complications resulting from food poisoning. Hospital officials said that Mariah started doing much better as soon as they found a hospital gown that made her look like a whore. ... [cheers and applause] Awwww.

This week the Energy Department said that gasoline prices could peak in April at a national average as high as a dollar fifty-two a gallon. Apparently, gasoline prices worldwide have gotten so out of hand that Ugandan cult members now have to set themselves on fire by standing under a magnifying glass. ...

Last week, spurred by Monday's guilty verdict in the Microsoft anti-trust case, the software giant's stock fell over fifteen percent, dropping Bill Gates' net worth to a mere "more money than any of us can ever dream about." ...

The Reverend Al Sharpton, Wednesday, announced a campaign of civil disobedience in New York City during the week before Easter to protest recent police shootings. So, keep in mind, if you see kids jumping subway turnstiles on Good Friday, they're actually political activists. ...

The National Zoo in Washington, which lost one of its biggest attractions last year when its giant panda Hsing-Hsing died, is nearing an agreement with China that would bring a pair of pandas to the zoo. Right now, zoo officials are hoping to secure a couple of lesbian pandas because they're so much more fun to watch. ...

This week TBS began its new programming format aimed at capturing the, quote, "regular guy" audience. A top TBS executive described "regular guys" as dateless losers who would be home watching TBS on a Friday night. ...

Four kindergartners in Sayerville, New Jersey were suspended for three days this week for pretending their fingers were guns while playing "cops and robbers." Although, the two kids playing cops were suspended with pay. ... [applause]

A Texas man, Kenneth Payne, after being tried as a habitual offender, received a 16-year prison sentence for stealing a Snickers bar from a convenience store. "Not going anywhere for a while?" ... [some applause]

And for the third year in a row, ticket prices for the Mets have risen over twenty percent making the cost of a night at the park for a family of four a hundred and seventy-six dollars. Not to mention the hardship of having to take the 7 train, sitting next to some queer with AIDS, and some kid with purple hair, [crowd protests Colin's quoting Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker's remarks about New York City] and a 20-year-old mom with four kids. ... [applause but also a lot of booing] As we reported-- [to the crowd] Yeah, no irony, right, folks? All right. ...

Colin Quinn: As we reported earlier, Federal District Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson ruled Monday that software giant Microsoft in fact violated anti-trust laws. What does this mean for the future of the company? What does this mean for consumers? Here now, Senior Economics Fellow at the Brookings Institute in Washington, D.C., Jacob Silj. [cheers and applause as we pan over to Jacob, a nerdy bespectacled guy in a suit and tie]

Jacob Silj: [loud, deep, monotone] THANK YOU, COLIN! ... COLIN, AS YOU KNOW, JUDGE JACKSON RULED THAT MICROSOFT VIOLATED THE SHERMAN ANTI-TRUST ACT IN NO FEWER THAN THREE INSTANCES!

Colin Quinn: Oh, my God!

Jacob Silj: "OH, MY GOD" IS RIGHT, COLIN! THIS RULING IS VERY, VERY SIGNIFICANT!

Colin Quinn: No! I mean, could you please not SHOUT like that? ...

Jacob Silj: LISTEN, COLIN, I HAVE A DISEASE! ... I SUFFER FROM VOICE IMMODULATION! ... I'M UNABLE TO CONTROL THE VOLUME OR INFLECTION OF MY VOICE! ... THIS IS NOT "SHOUTING" -- IT IS TALKING!

Colin Quinn: It's just-- Couldn't you take a deep breath, lower your voice?

Jacob Silj: HOW DARE YOU?! I CANNOT DO THAT! I HAVE AN AFFLICTION THAT IS RECOGNIZED BY THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION AND ITS BRITISH COUNTERPART! EVERY YEAR, AS MANY AS SIX PEOPLE ARE STRICKEN BY THIS HORRIBLE ... HORRIBLE DISEASE! IT COULD STRIKE ANYONE AT ANY TIME -- PROVIDED THEY WERE BORN AT LEAST TWO MONTHS LATE AND HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO GOLD DUST! ...

Colin Quinn: [amused disbelief] Gold dust, Jacob?

Jacob Silj: OH, IT'S FUNNY TO YOU! IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, COLIN, A LIFE IN WHICH YOU HOLD YOUR BABY DAUGHTER IN YOUR ARMS AND TRY TO EASE HER BACK TO SLEEP! [cradles an imaginary baby in his arms] HUSH HUSH! GO TO SLEEP! DADDY LOVES YOU! ... OR IMAGINE YOU'RE AT CHURCH WHISPERING A SECRET AND SILENT PRAYER TO GOD! [clasps hands in prayer] "OH, PLEASE, DEAR GOD! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?! I HATE YOU, GOD! PLEASE TAKE AWAY THIS TERRIBLE AFFLICTION! AND ALSO LET ME FIND A BAG OF MONEY!" THAT IS MY HELL, COLIN! ... I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON ANYONE! MAYBE ON YOU, COLIN, BUT NO ONE ELSE! ...

Colin Quinn: Hey! Hey, that's mean!

Jacob Silj: I APOLOGIZE! THAT LAST PART WAS ACTUALLY MUTTERED UNDER MY BREATH! ... BUT I CAN'T MUTTER UNDER MY BREATH, CAN I?! ... YOU JERK! THAT WAS UNDER MY BREATH ALSO! YOU ASS!

Colin Quinn: Just stop--

Jacob Silj: UNDER MY BREATH AGAIN!

Colin Quinn: Will you stop, Jacob?

Jacob Silj: I THINK I WILL, COLIN! I THINK I WILL!

Colin Quinn: Jacob Silj, everybody! [cheers and applause] I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Elian Gonzalez!

[Music. More cheers and applause as Colin turns to Jacob Silj. Fade.]


Submitted Anonymously