99p: Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Mr. Leonard.....Christopher Walken
[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We fly
into the impenetrable discharge of two
Announcer: And now, from the news capital of
the world, it's "Weekend Update with Colin
[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of New
York from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / with
COLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve to
Studio 8H and the WU set, panning left and then
zooming in on Colin Quinn seated at the WU
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks. I don't know
what to say! Why, thank you. I-- I'm touched. Hi, I'm
Colin Quinn and here are today's top stories.
Today, the saga in Miami continues as Elian Gonzales
woke up, had a nice breakfast, and went out to play.
I'm sorry, folks, but as the members of the media,
we're required to say the words "Elian Gonzales" every
ten minutes. ...
By the way, for those of you who don't know, "Elian"
is a traditional Cuban name meaning "political pawn."
Nonetheless, after a meeting with Elian Gonzales'
father, Juan Gonzales, yesterday, Attorney General
Janet Reno guaranteed that officials would arrange for
Mr. Gonzales to reclaim his son. Following the
meeting, a relieved Juan Gonzales said through an
interpreter that he thinks the Attorney General is a
very nice man or woman. ...
And now some news from the future. The year 2015.
Earlier today, 21-year-old Elian Gonzales, the Cuban
boy who was the center of an international custody
battle in the year 2000, reportedly saw "MTV Spring
Break" for the first time, and then attacked his
father while screaming, "Thanks a lot, comrades!"
With the deadline fast approaching, only 53 percent of
Americans have returned their census forms, well short
of the minimum goal of 61 percent. My question is: How
do they know that? ... Darv-- [cheers and applause]
Ah! Oh ho! Oooh. Whoooo.
Ah, Darva Conger and Rick Rockwell from "Who Wants to
Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" appeared Wednesday at a
Las Vegas family court hearing to annul their
marriage. With their relationship finally over, young
romantics now have only one couple left to look up to.
[Photo of seemingly incestuous celebrity couple
Angelina Jolie and her brother Jamie Haven]
Thirty years after they split up - Thirty years after
they split up, folks, the three surviving members of
the Beatles have collaborated on an autobiography
called "Beatles Anthology" which they say will dispel
some of the myths about their career. While there have
been disagreements on the way they remember events,
they do agree on one thing: Ringo types too slow.
A new talk show is airing on Court TV called "Live
From Cell Block F" which featured North Carolina
Sheriff Gerald Hege interviewing his actual inmates.
Viewers may remember this show by its original name,
"The NFL Today." ... [some applause]
And singer Mariah Carey was hospitalized in Boston
this week after suffering complications resulting from
food poisoning. Hospital officials said that Mariah
started doing much better as soon as they found a
hospital gown that made her look like a whore. ...
[cheers and applause] Awwww.
This week the Energy Department said that gasoline
prices could peak in April at a national average as
high as a dollar fifty-two a gallon. Apparently,
gasoline prices worldwide have gotten so out of hand
that Ugandan cult members now have to set themselves
on fire by standing under a magnifying glass.
Last week, spurred by Monday's guilty verdict in the
Microsoft anti-trust case, the software giant's stock
fell over fifteen percent, dropping Bill Gates' net
worth to a mere "more money than any of us can ever
dream about." ...
The Reverend Al Sharpton, Wednesday, announced a
campaign of civil disobedience in New York City during
the week before Easter to protest recent police
shootings. So, keep in mind, if you see kids jumping
subway turnstiles on Good Friday, they're actually
political activists. ...
The National Zoo in Washington, which lost one of its
biggest attractions last year when its giant panda
Hsing-Hsing died, is nearing an agreement with China
that would bring a pair of pandas to the zoo. Right
now, zoo officials are hoping to secure a couple of
lesbian pandas because they're so much more fun to
This week TBS began its new programming format aimed
at capturing the, quote, "regular guy" audience. A top
TBS executive described "regular guys" as dateless
losers who would be home watching TBS on a Friday
Four kindergartners in Sayerville, New Jersey were
suspended for three days this week for pretending
their fingers were guns while playing "cops and
robbers." Although, the two kids playing cops were
suspended with pay. ... [applause]
A Texas man, Kenneth Payne, after being tried as a
habitual offender, received a 16-year prison sentence
for stealing a Snickers bar from a convenience store.
"Not going anywhere for a while?" ... [some
And for the third year in a row, ticket prices for the
Mets have risen over twenty percent making the cost of
a night at the park for a family of four a hundred and
seventy-six dollars. Not to mention the hardship of
having to take the 7 train, sitting next to some queer
with AIDS, and some kid with purple hair, [crowd
protests Colin's quoting Atlanta Braves pitcher John
Rocker's remarks about New York City] and a
20-year-old mom with four kids. ... [applause but also
a lot of booing] As we reported-- [to the crowd] Yeah,
no irony, right, folks? All right. ...
Colin Quinn: As we reported earlier, Federal
District Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson ruled Monday
that software giant Microsoft in fact violated
anti-trust laws. What does this mean for the future of
the company? What does this mean for consumers? Here
now, Senior Economics Fellow at the Brookings
Institute in Washington, D.C., Jacob Silj. [cheers and
applause as we pan over to Jacob, a nerdy bespectacled
guy in a suit and tie]
Jacob Silj: [loud, deep, monotone] THANK YOU,
COLIN! ... COLIN, AS YOU KNOW, JUDGE JACKSON RULED
THAT MICROSOFT VIOLATED THE SHERMAN ANTI-TRUST ACT IN
NO FEWER THAN THREE INSTANCES!
Colin Quinn: Oh, my God!
Jacob Silj: "OH, MY GOD" IS RIGHT, COLIN! THIS
RULING IS VERY, VERY SIGNIFICANT!
Colin Quinn: No! I mean, could you please not
SHOUT like that? ...
Jacob Silj: LISTEN, COLIN, I HAVE A DISEASE!
... I SUFFER FROM VOICE IMMODULATION! ... I'M UNABLE
TO CONTROL THE VOLUME OR INFLECTION OF MY VOICE! ...
THIS IS NOT "SHOUTING" -- IT IS TALKING!
Colin Quinn: It's just-- Couldn't you take a
deep breath, lower your voice?
Jacob Silj: HOW DARE YOU?! I CANNOT DO THAT! I
HAVE AN AFFLICTION THAT IS RECOGNIZED BY THE AMERICAN
MEDICAL ASSOCIATION AND ITS BRITISH COUNTERPART! EVERY
YEAR, AS MANY AS SIX PEOPLE ARE STRICKEN BY THIS
HORRIBLE ... HORRIBLE DISEASE! IT COULD STRIKE ANYONE
AT ANY TIME -- PROVIDED THEY WERE BORN AT LEAST TWO
MONTHS LATE AND HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO GOLD DUST!
Colin Quinn: [amused disbelief] Gold dust,
Jacob Silj: OH, IT'S FUNNY TO YOU! IMAGINE, IF
YOU WILL, COLIN, A LIFE IN WHICH YOU HOLD YOUR BABY
DAUGHTER IN YOUR ARMS AND TRY TO EASE HER BACK TO
SLEEP! [cradles an imaginary baby in his arms] HUSH
HUSH! GO TO SLEEP! DADDY LOVES YOU! ... OR IMAGINE
YOU'RE AT CHURCH WHISPERING A SECRET AND SILENT PRAYER
TO GOD! [clasps hands in prayer] "OH, PLEASE, DEAR
GOD! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?! I HATE YOU, GOD!
PLEASE TAKE AWAY THIS TERRIBLE AFFLICTION! AND ALSO
LET ME FIND A BAG OF MONEY!" THAT IS MY HELL, COLIN!
... I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON ANYONE! MAYBE ON YOU, COLIN,
BUT NO ONE ELSE! ...
Colin Quinn: Hey! Hey, that's mean!
Jacob Silj: I APOLOGIZE! THAT LAST PART WAS
ACTUALLY MUTTERED UNDER MY BREATH! ... BUT I CAN'T
MUTTER UNDER MY BREATH, CAN I?! ... YOU JERK! THAT WAS
UNDER MY BREATH ALSO! YOU ASS!
Colin Quinn: Just stop--
Jacob Silj: UNDER MY BREATH AGAIN!
Colin Quinn: Will you stop, Jacob?
Jacob Silj: I THINK I WILL, COLIN! I THINK I
Colin Quinn: Jacob Silj, everybody! [cheers and
applause] I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm
sticking to it. Elian Gonzalez!
[Music. More cheers and applause as Colin turns to
Jacob Silj. Fade.]