Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek.....Will Ferrell
Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond
Keanu Reeves.....Tobey Maguire
Hilary Swank.....Jimmy Fallon
Ricky Martin.....Chris Kattan
Chad Lowe.....Chris Parnell

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I thought we were done with this, but Regis Philbin, that mongrel idiot, decided to do a Celebrity Millionaire, and network competition being what it is, I stand before you, a broken and miserable man. Let's take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has set a new Jeopardy record for futility with..

Sean Connery: Suck on it Trebek. Suck it long, and suck it hard.

Alex Trebek: That's beautiful. You kiss your mother with that mouth.

Sean Connery: No, but I did something to your mother with this mouth! [ points to mouth ]

Alex Trebek: Why? Keanu Reeves has an impressive -$32,000.
Keanu Reeves: I know Kung Fu.

Alex Trebek: For the last time, no you don't. And finally, Hilary Swank in a commanding lead with zero.

Hilary Swank: Did I win? Because there's some people I need to thank.

Alex Trebek: Let's just take a look at the board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables"; "Foreign Flicks"; "Things Trebek Sucks"-wait! [ Connery is laughing. ] All right. [ Trebek walks over and takes down the hand-written "Things Trebek Sucks" sign. ] Let's continue..."Potpourri"; "Hot or Cold"; "What Ears Do"; "Is This A Hat"-that's where I name and object, and you tell whether or not it's a hat. And finally, "Colors That End In Urple". Hilary Swank, you're in the lead, so we'll start with you.

Hilary Swank: I'm a girl you know.

Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Let's just go with Foreign Flicks for $800. [ Connery buzzes in. ]

Sean Connery: Ursula Andress.

Alex Trebek: What?

Sean Connery: Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo, twice.

Alex Trebek: That's Foreign Flicks, Mr. Connery. Foreign Flicks. Mr. Reeves, why don't you pick?

Keanu Reeves: I shall take Balloons for $800, if you please.

Alex Trebek: That's not a category.

Keanu Reeves: My mistake. I shall choose Balloons for $600.

Alex Trebek: I tell you what, let's do Colors That End in Urple. For $800. This color ends in "urple". [ Swank buzzes in. ] Hilary Swank.

Hilary Swank: What is light urple?

Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Wow. [ Reeves buzzes in. ] Keanu Reeves.

Keanu Reeves: I will venture a guess. Who is Jaleel White?

Alex Trebek: What?

Keanu Reeves: Is that not the gentlemen who played Urple, the humorous fellow with the glasses who loves cheese?

Alex Trebek: That's Urkel! [ Connery buzzes in. ] Oh good, Mr. Connery wants to say something.

Sean Connery: I thought of some more foreign ladies I snogged.

Alex Trebek: Let's just go to Hot or Cold for $400. And it's a Video Daily Double. Here goes nothing. Please take a look at your video monitors.

[ screen shows Ricky Martin and two dancers. They start dancing. ]

Ricky Martin: It's me! Come on, Ricky Martin! Come on! [ music starts ]. Oh my! In this cup there's some hot tea! It's hot hot hot! Watch! [ takes a sip ] Yow! Hot hot hot! So the answer is: Hot hot hot! or cold. Hot hot hot! or cold. Come on! Hot hot hot!

[ video fades ]. [ no one buzzes in. ]

Alex Trebek: None of you knows. No one can figure out if the hot tea is hot or cold. [ Reeves buzzes in. ] Thank God! Keanu Reeves.

Keanu Reeves: Is it iced tea?

Alex Trebek: [ agitated ] No! It's hot tea!

Keanu Reeves: Well, then I have no idea.

Alex Trebek: Let's just go to Final Jeopardy. The category is...oh come on, why would they do this? The category is Famous Mothers.

Sean Connery: [ laughs ] My day has come! [ keeps laughing ]

Alex Trebek: [ rips card ] I'm not going to give you the satisfaction. [ Connery stops laughing. ] The new category is Anything. Write anything. [ music starts ] Just write. Use your arm, hand, and special pen, and move the pen around. Scribble if you want to, just make some kind of mark. [ music stops ] OK, let's get this over with. Sean Connery, you wrote down: Below. I don't know why you wrote that, but technically that's a correct answer. You did write something. Let's see what you wagered: Me. Below Me. [ Connery laughs ] Below Me...I don't get it.

Sean Connery: Oh, I'll bet you do, you Canadian ponch. [ slaps Trebek on the head. ]

Alex Trebek: Proud day for you and your family. Keanu Reeves, you look rather pleased. Let's see what you wrote down: [ a blank screen is revealed ] Nothing. The question was write anything, and you got it wrong. I'm speechless. Let's see what you wagered: Eleventy billion dollars. That's not even a real number.

Keanu Reeves: Yet.

Alex Trebek: That's simply amazing. And finally, Hilary Swank.

Hilary Swank: Thanks Alex. I'm so honored to have been here today, there's so many people I have to thank. [ camera shows a sobbing Chad Lowe in the audience. ] I couldn't have done it without Alex Trebek, the incredible cast and crew of Jeopardy, my publicist who is a beautiful human being...that's it.

Alex Trebek: Touching. That's all for Jeopardy; Regis, you can have them. Good night. [ Connery pushes Trebek as he walks by. ]

Submitted by: GohanDZ

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