Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 17





99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Tobey Maguire's Monologue

.....Tobey Maguire
Keith.....Adam McKay

Tobey Maguire: It's great to be here! It's great to be here in New York! I was so excited that they ask me to host the show, because it gives me a chnce to do a lot of different characters-

Keith: [ interrupting from the center of the audience ] Hey, Tobey, man! "Show me the money!"

[ audience erupts into applause ]

Tobey Maguire: Alright. Alright! As I was saying.. in a movie, you play one character, and you're-

Keith: [ interrupting again ] "Show me the money", Tobes!

Tobey Maguire: Why do you keep saying that?

Keith: Come on, man, because you were in that movie, uh.. "Tobey Maguire"? And you kept yellin' "Show me the money!" It was awesome!

Tobey Maguire: Uh.. the movie was called "Jerry Maguire".. and I wasn't in it.

Keith: Oh, yeah you were, man! you were in that, and Tom Cruise was your agent.. and you would yell "Show me the money!" That was awesome!

Tobey Maguire: Well, that was Cuba gooding, Jr. That wasn't me.

Keith: [ the information hitting him hard ] Really?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah. Really.

Keith: [ to the audience ] Sorry, everyone! My bad!

Tobey Maguire: [ getting back to his point ] Now, uh.. what was I saying? Uh.. I was talking getting the opportunity to play all different types of characters.. so, I can-

Keith: [ interrupting yet again ] Hey! Hey, hey! Hey, Ace! Hey! Fine.. you weren't in "Jerry Maguire", but what movies were you in, huh?

Tobey Maguire: [ clears throat ] I was in, uh.. "The Cider house Rules".

Keith: [ happily recognizes the title ] Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Cider House rules, man! That is the best frat around! Cider house rules!!

Tobey Maguire: [ shaking head ] Nope. It's not.. it's not that kind of rules. It's "The Cider House Rules".. like.. laws, things you have to obey. Rules, you know?

Keith: [ confused ] It' wasn't like a Spring Break film?

Tobey Maguire: No. It's not.

Keith: Fine! Then what else were you in? 'Cause I didn't see that one.

Tobey Maguire: Uh.. I was in.. "The Ice Storm".

Keith: Now you've got me, Brohan! You've got me! That's a great movie, man! Helen Hunt, that cow flying in the air..!

Tobey Maguire: Wrong film.

Keith: Yeah? Okay, what else?

Tobey Maguire: Most recently, I was in "Wonder Boys".

Keith: Yeah! Tasty! That's with that, uh.. that's with that dude that knocked up Catherine Zeta-Jones? What's his name, uh..?

Tobey Maguire: Michael Douglas?

Keith: Yeahhhh!! Michael Douglas! Whoo!! [ sheepishly ] I didn't see that one.

Tobey Maguire: [ aggravated ] Great. Good

Keith: You know, I saw the movie where the dude humped the pie! Are you him?

Tobey Maguire: Nope. Not me.

Keith: Alright, uh.. I just bought "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" on videotape. Are you in that?

Tobey Maguire: You know what? If it'll make you quiet - yeah. Sure.

Keith: That's cool, you were in that! What'd you play?

Tobey Maguire: Uh.. uh.. oh! I was Jar Jar Binks!

Keith: [ disappointed ] You were Jar Jar Binks? you know what? You sucked! You ruined that whole movie!

Tobey Maguire: You know.. I had a point, but forget it.

Keith: Jar Jar Binks sucks, man!

Tobey Maguire: You know, we have a great show..

Keith: No, we don't! It's Jar Jar Binks! Turn the channel!

Tobey Maguire: Sisqo is here. So, stick around, we'll be right back!


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