Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

The Studio 8-H Rules

.....Darrell Hammond
.....Tobey Maguire
.....Chris Parnell
.....Chris Kattan
.....Tracy Morgan
.....Cheri Oteri
.....Tim Meadows
.....Lorne Michaels

Darrell Hammond: What's it like being in movies, Tobey?

Tobey Maguire: Oh, it's fun, Darrell. You meet a lot of nice people, and you get to stay in a trailer..

Darrell Hammond: Ohhhh.. someday I'm gonna be in a movie!

Tobey Maguire: Well, I'm sure you will.

Chris Parnell: Tobey? Do you think Lorne will make a movie out of my Tom Brokaw impression?

Tobey Maguire: Uh.. maybe. [ Darrell and Chris get excited ] Go to sleep, guys, it's late.

Chris Kattan: [ sitting inside a plastic bubble, wheezing ] Tobey?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah, Chris, what do you need?

Chris Kattan: Tobey, will you read to me?

Tobey: Yeah, sure. What do you want me to read?

Chris Kattan: US Weekly.. will you see if Iím in there..?

Tobey Maguire: Okay.. uh.. "Lauren Holly and her beau, Con Air screenwriter Scott Rosenburg, flew to Vegas last week for the Show West awards.."

Tracy Morgan: Yo, yo yo Tobey.. Wait a minute. You can read?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah, of course.

Tracy Morgan: Well, come over here for a minute.

Tobey Maguire: Okay.

Tracy Morgan: Would you do us a solid, and read this for us? [ points to sign ]

Tobey Maguire: Oh.. these are the studio rules.

Cheri Oteri: Yeah, yeah.. what do they say?

Tobey Maguire: Uh, well, it says.. Studio 8H Rules. Number One: No smoking in the studio. [ Cheri takes the cigarette out of her mouth ] Number Two: No sketches longer than three minutes.

Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] Okay, thatís good..

Tobey Maguire: Number Three: Stay out of Joe Piscopo's dressing room. He is a giant star, and must be treated as such.

Cheri Oteri: Okay, thatís an old one. I donít think that applies any more.

Tobey Maguire: Number Four: All sketches must have a big funny ending.

Cheri Oteri: Now you see, thatís harder than it sounds..

Tracy Morgan: Man, these rules were made by people who donít know anything about us.

Cheri Oteri: Right?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah. Lifeís like that sometimes.

Lorne Michaels: Alright, lights out, everyone. Say your prayers. Jimmy Fallon has left us, heís gone to "Ally McBeal" to play the new hotshot attorney. Be happy for Jimmy.

Everyone: Good night, Jimmy..

Lorne Michaels: Good night, you princes of NBC, you kings of late night.

Everyone: Good night, Lorne.

[ Lorne exits ]

Tobey Maguire: Well, good night, you guys.

Everyone: Good night, Tobey!

[ Tobey exits ]

Chris Kattan: Why does Lorne say that to us every night?

Tim Meadows: To manipulate us into signing long contracts for lower amounts of money.

Chris Kattan: Oh.. (wheezing) when are the Emmyís?

Tim Meadows: It doesnít matter, go to sleep.

[ cut to Tobey entering Lorne's office ]

Tobey Maguire: Lorne.. [ sees Lorne sniffing ether ] oh.. sorry.

Lorne Michaels: Oh.. [ lowers the ether ] ..come in. Iím just sniffing ether.

Tobey Maguire: I just wanted to say thanks for having me.

Lorne Michaels: I think youíre gonna do a great show tomorrow night, Tobey.

Tobey Maguire: Uh, Lorne.. the show's tonight.

Lorne Michaels: Ah.. Iíve gotta cool it with the ether.. [ holds it up to his nose again ]

Tobey Maguire: Good night, you prince of sketch comedy, you king of.. "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

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