Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

The Christopher Lowell Show

Christopher Lowell.....Chris Kattan
Helen Gerard.....Ana Gasteyer
Ed Gerard.....John Goodman
Patrick Clifford.....Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: You're watching the Discovery Channel.

Christopher Lowell: (in gay voice) I'm Christopher Lowell. Today we'll teach you how to give your trash a faaabulous makeover. Well, stay tuned. We'll give you lots of ideas on how on turning trash into treasure... nee-ee! On today's Christopher Lowell Show!

(theme music plays)

Christopher Lowell: (gruff) Hi... (sissy) everyone! (normal gay voice) I'm Christopher Lowell. Today we're going to show you how to turn yesterday's trashonables into unique fashionables! Ah-ah! Mmm. Because there's nothing better than enhancing your home by converting useless furniture into conversation pieces! Joining us today are the owners of Not Too Shab-by, a design store just outside of San Diego, California, Ed and Helen Gerarrrd!!!

(Helen and Ed walk on the set. Ed looks just like Christopher.)

Christopher Lowell: Welcome. Wow! So, how are you guys doing?

Helen Gerard: Fine, thanks.

Ed Gerard: (in Christopher's voice) Hi, Christopher.

Christopher Lowell: Hi-iii! So, you two are married, right?

Helen Gerard: Uh-huh.

Ed Gerard: Fourteen years. Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Nee-ee! I know how that feels. NO, I DON'T! Anyway, so, Helen, how did you two get involved in interior design?

Helen Gerard: Well, I'm an artist, specializing in decoupage.

Ed Gerard: And I used to work at Crate and Barrel.

Christopher Lowell: (gasps) Me too!

(Christopher and Ed scream)

Ed Gerard: That is super!

Christopher Lowell: Super-superrr!

Ed Gerard: Mmm-mmm!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah! Anyway, focus, focus, focussss. Now, Helen, tell us about your store, Not Too Shab-by.

Helen Gerard: Well, Christopher, we buy old furniture and knicknacks from garage sales and flea markets, and then we alter each item into an artistic piece for the home.

Ed Gerard: Forrr example, this 19th century tea table from China, is made of "muflabi," which is a tropical hardwood.

Christopher Lowell: (sarcastic) Hmm, tea for two. Nee-ee!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah! Anyway, we spruced it up for our home by box-painting the surfaccce, and then we attached little googly eyes we found at the state fair.

Christopher Lowell: So, it's kind of like... it's like a tea table? But, you can show it like a shelf piece, like, hang it up on your bathroom wall.

Ed Gerard: AAAAH!

Helen Gerard: What? What?

Ed Gerard: That's exactly what we diddddd!

Christopher Lowell: That is so weird!

Ed Gerard: Mmm-mmm, really weirddd.

Christopher Lowell: Now, anyway, in my bedroom, I got one of those 1940's vintage telephones that I got at a fleeea markettttt. But, to bring out the warmth of my bedroom, I wrapped the phone in this gorgeous French linen fabric. Ooh.

Ed Gerard: AAH! We covered our toaster in fabric, too!

Christopher Lowell: Please tell me it was chenille!

Ed Gerard: Yesssss!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Mmm-mm!

Helen Gerard: (chuckles) I'm sorry, I just feel like you guys are having your own conversation and I don't feel like I'm part of it.

(Ed and Christopher stare at her, confused)

Christopher Lowell: Okay... (his beard is coming off) well, then, let's just bring out our next guest. He's currently teaching a course... (beard is still coming off) I haven't looked in the mirror all day, so... (talks as beard is coming off) he's currently teaching a course in interior design at Cal State Northridge. Please welcome, Patrick Clifforddd!

(Patrick Clifford enters. He also looks like Christopher.)

Christopher Lowell: Patrick, what do you have for us todayyy?

Patrick Clifford: Well, I took an old, dirty toilet seat that I found in the back of a Dairy Queen, turned it into a decorative centerpiece by hustling some macaroni along the border and sprinkling it with some glitter.

Christopher Lowell: (confused) Gorgeous... (beard is still coming off) Helen, Ed, would you uh, like to add anything?

Helen Gerard: Sure. I just want to say that no matter what style you decorate your personal space with, it is important to mix and match.

Patrick Clifford: Mix and match? That's exactly what I told my students!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah!

Patrick Clifford: Mmm-mmm!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Mmm-mmm!

Patrick Clifford: Ah-ah!

(Christopher, Ed, and Patrick constantly continue making gay noises)

Helen Gerard: Guys, would you guys just STOP IT? Get your hands out of your mouths! Stop! Jeez!

(theme music starts, gay noises stop)

Christopher Lowell: Ohh! That's our cue! Hurry back!

(gay noises resume, Helen yells at Christopher, Ed, and Patrick until fade)

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