Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears


Woodrow.....Tracy Morgan
.....Britney Spears
Britney's Manager.....Chris Parnell
Fan #1.....Chris Kattan
Fan #2.....Will Ferrell
Fan #3.....Molly Shannon
Fan #4.....Jimmy Fallon

[Fans cheering for Britney]

Woodrow: (Pushing through fans to get to Britney) Over here Britney! It's me Woodrow!

Britney's Manager: Ok, listen. Stand back. Stand back, everyone. Mrs. Spears is very tired everyone. So I'm sorry there will be no autographs tonight.

[Fans begin calling again]

Woodrow: Look it here everyone, it's me Woodrow! Woodrow!

[Fans groan at scent of Woodrow]

Fan #1: Aww, he stinks!

Britney's Manager: Please do not come any closer to Mrs. Spears.

Fan #2: He thinks he's gonna talk to Britney!

[Fans laugh at Woodrow]

Fan #3: (Pointing at Woodrow) Look everyone he's craaaazy!

Fan #4: Hey! He doesn't even have any money to see the show!

(Fans continue to laugh)

Woodrow: HEY! That's not funny! WHY? WHY? Stop laughing at me! I have feelings too! Stop laughing at me. Woodrow didn't hurt no one! (Woodrow starts crying)

Britney's Manager: Ok, Ok. Listen, Listen. Everyone the shows over. Let's break this up.Ok. We gotta go.

Britney: Wait a minute. They hurt his feelings. I'm so sorry, would you like me to sign your telephone book for you?

Woodrow: Who me?

Britney: Yes you. You old cry baby.

Woodrow: I guess I kinda overreacted.

Britney: Here use this. (Hands Woodrow purple handkerchief)

Woodrow: Thanks. (Wipes eyes) It's just that I'm.. I'm such a big fan, and when they started laughing at me, I just wanted to run home.

Britney: Where's home?

Woodrow: About 10 feet from here.

Britney: You live in the alley?

Woodrow: No, down in the manhole. I live in the sewer.

Britney: I tell ya what, since these people are kinda stuffy anyways how about I walk you home.

Woodrow: You mean it? You would do that?

Britney: For you? Come on Woodrow.

(Fans get restless)

Britney's Manager: Britney! Where are you going? We've gotta, We've gotta plane to catch!

Britney: I'll be back, I'm just gonna go down in the sewer.

Britney's Manager: The sewer?! Britney no! (Woodrow and Britney climb down manhole) What are you doing?

Fan #3: You guys! Britney is heading down into the sewer with a crazy homeless man!

Fan #1: That's big news!

Fan #3: Britney!

Britney's Manager: Somebody stop her! Someone call the police!

Fan #4: Let's all go down in the sewer!(Fans cheer)

Britney's Manager: No, no, no, no...It's too dangerous.

(Britney and Woodrow are shown in sewer)

Woodrow: Well, this is it. This is where I live.

Britney: It's not so bad...I like the mailbox!

Woodrow: Oh I stole that 'cause it had secrets about me.

Britney: You know what? Sometimes I'd like to steal a mailbox.

Woodrow: Oh you're just sayin' that.

Britney: I know.

Woodrow: Say Britney, I was wondering...

Britney: What?

Woodrow: Well your always singing for everyone else and I wrote this, this song and I thought...

Britney: Aw that's so sweet...Yes, please I'd love to hear it.

Woodrow: I got it right here. I mean it's no "Oops I Did It Again" but...

Britney: Just sing it!

Woodrow: (singing)
Little TV sets, goin' off inside my ear
Spaceman floating by
Firecracker beer
Chased a demon's lightning
Music hits your eye
Up and down the sidewalk
Take a Doo Doo Pie
I Love You

Britney: Oh my gosh that was so beautiful.

Woodrow: You mean it?

Britney: I do. It was really nice.

Woodrow: I kinda wrote it at a really crazy time in my life. You really like it?

Britney: I love it.

Woodrow: I love you.

Britney: I love you too.

(As Woodrow and Britney are about to kiss...)

Britney's Manager (From Above) Britney! Britney Spears. Are you down there in the sewer?

Britney: It's my manager...

Britney's Manager: (From Above) We're coming to get you.

Woodrow: You better go.

Britney: I can't! I wanna stay with you. Down here in the sewer.

Woodrow: Shhhh. No, the world up there needs you. You go.

Britney: I'll see you Woodrow...

Woodrow: So long Britney...

(Britney climbs up ladder out of sewer)

Woodrow: (singing)
Chased a demon's lightning.
Music hits your eye.
Up and down the sidewalk.
Take a Doo Doo Pie.
I Love You.


Submitted by: Andrew Gould

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