Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 20





99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

Calgon

Customer.....Chris Parnell
Mr. Ling.....Jackie Chan
Mrs. Ling.....Maya Rudolph

Customer: How do you get your shirts so white, Mr. Ling?

Mr. Ling: Shh. Ancient Chinese Secret.

[ cut to back room of laundromat, where Mrs. Ling listens ]

Mrs. Ling: My husband - some hotshot. Here's his "Ancient Chinese Secret" - new, improved Calgon. Calgon helps shirts get up to 30% whiter. [ enters front room of laundromat shaking empty Calgon box ] We need more Calgon!

Customer: "Ancient Chinese Secret", huh?

[ Mr. Ling jumps over the counter and pummels the customer against the wall, then raises him in the air by his shirt collar ]

Mr. Ling: If you tell anybody about this.. you're dead man!

Mrs. Ling: [ listening again from back room ] New Calgon. Shh.. our secret.


SNL Transcripts