Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 20




99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

The Men At The Center Of The Earth

American Man.....Will Ferrell
Chinese Man.....Jackie Chan
French Man.....Chris Parnell
Ghanaian Man.....Tracy Morgan
Ecuadorian Man.....Horatio Sanz

[In a hole, a man is digging.]

American Man: Ten million . . . ten million and one . . . ten million and two. Whoo! Take a break. Ten million and two. [Takes a drink from a water bottle.] Well, Gabriel, old boy, they said you couldn't do it. They said you were crazy. "You can't dig a hole all the way to China! You'll never make it!" [Laughs.] But soon you're gonna prove them wrong. Soon you'll be in China. [Goes back to digging.] Ten million and three . . . [He stops, hearing another voice somewhere.] What the hell?

[A Chinese man, also with a shovel, bursts through the dirt wall.]

American Man: Who are you?

Chinese Man: [Says something in Chinese.] What?

American Man: Huh? Who are you?

Chinese Man: Who are you, in my hole to America?

American Man: Your hole to America? How dare you! This is MY hole to China! You've ruined it!

Chinese Man: No! You are in my way! You turn around and go back!

American Man: Me, turn around? No, no, I'm not going to let you just use my hole like it's your own hole!

Chinese Man: This is MY hole!

American Man: No, siree! No, siree! Okay? My name is Gabriel Ziskin! I started digging this hole in my backyard in Patterson, New Jersey four months ago, okay, after a fight with my wife! And let me tell you, I did not say to her, "To hell with you, I'm going to dig a hole halfway to China!" Now, get out of my way!

Chinese Man: No way!

American Man: Okay, we'll see about that.

Chinese Man: I've been digging a hole five -

[More digging is heard.]

American Man: Wait, hang on. What's that noise?

[A third man, from France, also bursts into the hole with the Chinese and American men.]

French Man: [Says some stuff in French.]

American Man: Oh, for God's sake!

Chinese Man: Why are you in my hole to America?

French Man: Your hole to America? This is my hole, to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean!

American Man: Why would you want to dig a hole to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?

French Man: I have my reasons.

American Man: Man, what are the chances of these three holes running into each other?

[More digging is heard, and an African man shovels through the wall.]

Ghanaian Man: Get out of the damn way!

American Man: Man alive, what is this?

Ghanaian Man: I'm digging a hole from Ghana to New Zealand.

French Man: This is unacceptable!

[A fifth man, in a prison uniform, goes through to the hole with everybody else.]

Ecuadorian Man: You can say that again!

Chinese Man: Who are you?

Ecuadorian Man: I am escaped prisoner from Ecuador! I am digging my way to Algeria! Now get out of my way!

[The men, except for the American man, start arguing with each other.

American Man: Gentlemen! Please! Gentlemen! This bickering is pointless! We're all obviously very good at digging! In fact, this might be the greatest gathering of hole-diggers in history! Let's put aside our petty differences and celebrate what is common in each of us: digging.

[The other men start talking again, apologizing to each other.]

American Man: That's why I suggest we stay here, and live as one! All nations united! America!

Chinese Man: China!

Ghanaian Man: Ghana!

Ecuadorian Man: Ecuador!

French Man: France!

American Man>: And America!

[Patriotic-sounding music pots up.]

American Man: We shall build a society! A utopia! Right here, in the center of the earth!

"We'll live in the center of the earth
To see what life is worth
In the center of the earth!"


French Man:
"We'll be free
As free as you can be
Ten thousand miles beneath the sea
In the center of the earth!"


Together:
"We've dug ourselves to glory!
The plows will tell the story.
Of the men who dared to live
In the center of the earth!"


Chinese Man and Ecuadorian Man:
"At last
China and Ecuador
Are friends forever more
At the center of the earth"


French Man and Ghanaian Man:
"We'll eat
Dirt and rocks and mud
The heat will boil our blood
At the center of the earth!"


Together:
"We've dug ourselves to glory!
The plows will tell the story
Of the men who dared to live
At the center of the earth!"


V/O: And eight minutes later, they were all dead!


Submitted by: Leadcrow90


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