Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

The Men At The Center Of The Earth

American Man.....Will Ferrell
Chinese Man.....Jackie Chan
French Man.....Chris Parnell
Ghanaian Man.....Tracy Morgan
Ecuadorian Man.....Horatio Sanz

[In a hole, a man is digging.]

American Man: Ten million . . . ten million and one . . . ten million and two. Whoo! Take a break. Ten million and two. [Takes a drink from a water bottle.] Well, Gabriel, old boy, they said you couldn't do it. They said you were crazy. "You can't dig a hole all the way to China! You'll never make it!" [Laughs.] But soon you're gonna prove them wrong. Soon you'll be in China. [Goes back to digging.] Ten million and three . . . [He stops, hearing another voice somewhere.] What the hell?

[A Chinese man, also with a shovel, bursts through the dirt wall.]

American Man: Who are you?

Chinese Man: [Says something in Chinese.] What?

American Man: Huh? Who are you?

Chinese Man: Who are you, in my hole to America?

American Man: Your hole to America? How dare you! This is MY hole to China! You've ruined it!

Chinese Man: No! You are in my way! You turn around and go back!

American Man: Me, turn around? No, no, I'm not going to let you just use my hole like it's your own hole!

Chinese Man: This is MY hole!

American Man: No, siree! No, siree! Okay? My name is Gabriel Ziskin! I started digging this hole in my backyard in Patterson, New Jersey four months ago, okay, after a fight with my wife! And let me tell you, I did not say to her, "To hell with you, I'm going to dig a hole halfway to China!" Now, get out of my way!

Chinese Man: No way!

American Man: Okay, we'll see about that.

Chinese Man: I've been digging a hole five -

[More digging is heard.]

American Man: Wait, hang on. What's that noise?

[A third man, from France, also bursts into the hole with the Chinese and American men.]

French Man: [Says some stuff in French.]

American Man: Oh, for God's sake!

Chinese Man: Why are you in my hole to America?

French Man: Your hole to America? This is my hole, to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean!

American Man: Why would you want to dig a hole to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?

French Man: I have my reasons.

American Man: Man, what are the chances of these three holes running into each other?

[More digging is heard, and an African man shovels through the wall.]

Ghanaian Man: Get out of the damn way!

American Man: Man alive, what is this?

Ghanaian Man: I'm digging a hole from Ghana to New Zealand.

French Man: This is unacceptable!

[A fifth man, in a prison uniform, goes through to the hole with everybody else.]

Ecuadorian Man: You can say that again!

Chinese Man: Who are you?

Ecuadorian Man: I am escaped prisoner from Ecuador! I am digging my way to Algeria! Now get out of my way!

[The men, except for the American man, start arguing with each other.

American Man: Gentlemen! Please! Gentlemen! This bickering is pointless! We're all obviously very good at digging! In fact, this might be the greatest gathering of hole-diggers in history! Let's put aside our petty differences and celebrate what is common in each of us: digging.

[The other men start talking again, apologizing to each other.]

American Man: That's why I suggest we stay here, and live as one! All nations united! America!

Chinese Man: China!

Ghanaian Man: Ghana!

Ecuadorian Man: Ecuador!

French Man: France!

American Man>: And America!

[Patriotic-sounding music pots up.]

American Man: We shall build a society! A utopia! Right here, in the center of the earth!

"We'll live in the center of the earth
To see what life is worth
In the center of the earth!"

French Man:
"We'll be free
As free as you can be
Ten thousand miles beneath the sea
In the center of the earth!"

"We've dug ourselves to glory!
The plows will tell the story.
Of the men who dared to live
In the center of the earth!"

Chinese Man and Ecuadorian Man:
"At last
China and Ecuador
Are friends forever more
At the center of the earth"

French Man and Ghanaian Man:
"We'll eat
Dirt and rocks and mud
The heat will boil our blood
At the center of the earth!"

"We've dug ourselves to glory!
The plows will tell the story
Of the men who dared to live
At the center of the earth!"

V/O: And eight minutes later, they were all dead!

Submitted by: Leadcrow90

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