Category:

Pine Ridge Campground

Jeff… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Cecily Strong

Hector… Kyle Mooney

Patricia… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with four people camping at Pine Ridge Campground. Jeff is playing guitar and Cecily is singing]

Cecily: [singing] How many roads must a man walk down
before you can call him a man

Jeff: Yes, and how many seas must a white dove sail
before she sleeps in the sand

Jeff and Cecily: The answer my friend is blowing in the wind
the answer is blowing in the wind.

[Hector and Patricia clapping]

Hector: Wow, amazing. Really special, guys. Do you actually play guitar?

Jeff: Well, yeah.

Patricia: Okay, how about one more song?

Jeff: Um, it’s getting pretty late.

Hector: Oh, come on! You guy’s been entertaining us all night. Why don’t you let us sing one for you?

Jeff: Okay.

Patricia: Why not? Such a nice night.

[Hector and Patricia look at each other and start singing randomly.]

Hector and Patricia: Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes
Please, Louise
Pull me off of my knees
Jack, get back
C’mon before we crack
Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut Footloose

[Hector and Patricia clap for themselves]

Cecily: Wow.

Patricia: What a beautiful night. I’m so glad we could finally carve out some time to be together.

Jeff: We just met you an hour ago. You walked into our campsite and brought your own chairs. What are your names?

Hector: Oh, I’m Hector and this is my sister, Patricia.

Patricia: Yeah. We’re year rounders on site 71 over by the RV sink and shower waste.

Cecily: Did you say you’re brother and sister? You’ve been holding hands all night.

Patricia: Oh, it’s cold.

Hector: [yelling] Cold as hell.

Patricia: [laughing] So, okay, what did you guys think of that? Of our song?

Hector: We want honest criticism. Really.

Jeff: It sounded a little flat and you had no sense of how far away we are from you.

Cecily: Jeff, why are you–

Jeff: I don’t know. They asked.

Hector: [singing] Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Patricia: Please, Louise
Pull me off of my knees

Hector: Babe, are we flat?

Cecily: Did he just– did he just call her babe?

Patricia: Okay, what are you hearing that isn’t working for you, Jeff? Can you just like, describe it?

Jeff: It almost sounds like you speak normally, but when you sing you have like, Eastern European accents. It sounds almost like…

[imitating how Hector and Patricia sing]

Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Maybe just try it normal like,

[singing] Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Hector: Okay, okay. So, more like…

[yelling and singing] Loose, cut loose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Patricia: lease, Louise
Pull me off of my knees

Hector and Patricia: Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut Footloose

Cecily: Okay, I think we better head to bed. It was nice to meet you.

Patricia: Aw, is there time for one more song?

Cecily: Oh, I don’t think so.

Hector: [badly imitating Jack Nicholson] Well, how about a visit from good old Jack Nicholson?

Patricia: [badly imitating Dame Judy Dench] Or Dame Judy Dench?

Cecily: Hey, you’re doing impressions now? What are you doing? Okay, we’re gonna go to bed.

Jeff: Actually, if you guys were gonna sing another song though, what would it be?

Cecily: Jeff?

Jeff: I’m just curious.

Hector and Patricia: [yelling and singing] Highway to the danger zone
Ride into the danger zone

Patricia: Oh, that was great baby.

[Hector and Patricia kiss]

Cecily: Okay, um, well goodnight.

Hector: And goodnight from the one and only Jack Nicholson, man.

Patricia: And Dame Judy–

Cecily: No, stop.

Jeff: That’s not Jack Nicholson. [imitating Jack Nicholson] This is Jack Nicholson.

Cecily: Honey? Oh, that’s bad too. Why are you participating in this?

Jeff: I like them.

[Cecily gets angry and leaves]

Jeff, Hector and Patricia: [yelling and singing] Highway to the danger zone
Wanna take a ride into the danger zone

Lin-Manuel Miranda Monologue

Lin-Manuel Miranda

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[Lin-Manuel Miranda walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m Lin-Manuel Miranda. It is so great to be here in New York city. I’m first off long run performing in my Musical Hamilton which fortunately is one of the biggest hits ever on Broadway. That means most of you watching at home have no idea who I am. But if you get to New York, please come and see Hamilton. It’s such a nice escape from all the crazyness in our world right now. It’s about two famous politicians locked in a dirty, ugly, mud-slinging political campaign, escapism. Anyway, I can’t believe I’m up here right now. When I was just a kid growing up in Washington heights up in Manhattan, I dreamed about standing right here on this stage. And when I told people I was hosting SNL, they were all like, “Well, are you gonna do a song from Mahilton?” I was like, “No! Saturday Night Live. I wanna do all the SNL stuff. I wanna do all the stuff that SNL host gets to do.” You know, it takes 70 years to write a show. So I don’t know when I’m gonna be back here. So…

[music playing]

[singing] I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
my name is Lin-Manuel Miranda, I am hosting SNL
and I am not throwing away my shot
I’ma go for both and do it all tonight
take a swing, pass for time, give me the ball tonight
I got a Tony and an Emmy and a Grammy yo!
But what I really want is famous person’s cameo

Damn yo! I’ma do a bunch of sketches, sometimes I’ll play the lead
give you what you need, doc the cue cards for me to read
yes indeed, tonight you’ll see me at my naughtiest and boldiest
and now I’m gonna walk into the audience

[Lin-Manuel Miranda jumps towards the audience. He has back up dancers dancing for him.]

Coz I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
This is my one big chance to bring on the dance
Coz I am not throwing away my shot

it’s time to take a shot
and yes, I’m right in my element,
who knew that Hamilton would be so topically relevant
the way these grand standing candidates be talking
they’re just a tweet away from facing off and we hawking
they keep balling, DARNC keep falling
I like it better when it’s Kate McKinnon V. Baldwin
Yeah, and so we thinking the plots, stering the pot
tonight I’m finally earning my spot
on this wall, in this hall and I’m getting a piece of it
like Miley, Tracy Morgan and this piece– [showing Donald Trump’s picture]

I’m never going to be president
I’m never going to be president
I’m never going to be president
I’m never going to be president

And I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
Yo, election’s new cycles and time with Lorne Michaels
And I am not throwing away my shot

[Lin-Manuel Miranda runs into Lorne Michaels]

Lorne Michaels: Are you having a good time?

Lin-Manuel Miranda: I’m having the time of my life, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: Great. Any word on those Hamilton tickets?

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ll see what I can do. No promises though.

[Lin-Manuel Miranda walks away]

Lorne Michaels: I can do a Matinee.

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Yeah.

But seriously guys, since I was five I decided
to keep my eyes open wide waiting for Saturday Night Live
Breathe, savor it, own it,
I swear to god if I’m hosting I’m making the most of this moment
Tonight I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
and as long as I remember to vote this November
I am not throwing away my shot

We got a great show. 21 Pilots is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

 

A Day Off with Kellyanne Conway

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Jake … Beck Bennett

[Starts with “A Day Off with Kellyanne Conway” video bumper]

[music playing]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway waking up in her bed. Subtitle reading “Starring Trump Campaign Manager Kellyanne Conway”]

[Kellyanne Conway looks at the calendar showing ‘day off’ and she gets excited]

[Kellyanne Conway is getting down the stairs dancing]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]

[Kellyanne Conway looks at the phone and gets upset]

[Cut to CNN Breaking News video bumper]

[Cut to Jake in his news set]

Jake: Breaking news. Donald Trump has tweeted yet again that Hillary Clinton cheated on her husband. [Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway] Kellyanne, how do you defend this tweet?

Kellyanne Conway: Jake, that’s unfair coz what Mr. Trump was getting at here, it clearly is not that Hillary cheated on Bill, but that she has been cheating the American people for decades.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But that’s not what the tweet said.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: I think if you really look at it, if you read the whole tweet, that is what it said.

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway]

Jake: Okay, well thank you for coming in on your day off.

Kellyanne Conway: Of course.

[music playing]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway running at the park]

[Kellyanne Conway meets her friends and is doing yoga]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone rings and she leaves]

[Cut to CNN Breaking News video bumper]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay Jake, so this tweet is actually taken out of context. Of course Mr. Trump thinks that Mexicans can read [Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Jake is looking very sleepy] and actually what he wants them to read the most is Hillary Clinton’s 33,000 missing emails.

Jake: Okay, Kellyanne.

Kellyanne Conway: We good?

Jake: Sure.

[music playing]

[Kellyanne Conway is painting and dancing in her lawn]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]

[Cut to CNN Breaking News video bumper]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, this one is simple, Jake. Mr. Trump did the deaf voice at his rally this morning so that deaf people could hear him too.

[Cut to Jake. He can’t believe what Kellyanne Conway just said.]

[music playing]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway reading a magazine in her house.]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, so, yeah. Mr. Trump did challenge Obama to a penis off and if the president will simply produce his penis, we could get back to talking about what’s really important, which is jobs.

[Kellyanne Conway just leaves]

[music playing]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway buying her groceries]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Kellyanne Conway is carrying her groceries.]

Kellyanne Conway: Yes, he did say that it is gross to watch gay people eat pasta because he wants them to eat healthy food.

Jake: But why even say that, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: Jake, I have to put this ice cream in the freezer. Sorry.

Jake: Yeah, yeah.

[music playing]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway skating at the park]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Kellyanne Conway walks in with the skating helmet on.]

Kellyanne Conway: Of course black people don’t have one less toe than white people.

[music playing]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway having her facial done.]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Of course, children are not just shrunken down humans.

[music playing]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway enjoying bubble bath and some wine with her husband]

[Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing]

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Kellyanne Conway has wet hair and is wearing bathrobe.}

Kellyanne Conway: Of course Donald did not hold up a little cup of his own semen at a rally and say, “This becomes a person? No way!”

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But he did say that. There’s tape.

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway.]

Kellyanne Conway: What do you want me say? Yes, he said that. He’s crazy.

Jake: Great.

Kellyanne Conway: He’s the worst person I’ve ever known.

Jake: Yes.

Kellyanne Conway: What do you want?

Jake: That’s what I want. Alright, well, thank you, Kellyanne Conway. Thank you for being here.

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you for having us.

Jake: Us? Who’s us?

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and her husband. He is also half naked and is covered with bubbles.]

Kellyanne’s husband: Hi, Jake.

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway and her husband.]

Jake: Kellyanne!

Kellyanne Conway: What? It’s my day off.

[Ends with “A Day Off” with Kellyanne Conway outro]

Weekend Update Undecided Voter Cathy Anne

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

Michael Che.

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the presidential race so close, the election might come down to the undecided voter. So, here is one that’s always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey. Michael Che! Okay now, I just wanted to point out, I am an undecided voter but I’m also an uninspired voter. Oh, and you can have that one for free.

Michael Che: So you really don’t know who you’re gonna vote for?

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: You’re gonna tell me I gotta pick between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, oh man, no thank you. I’m keeping Robama.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Robama? That– What? Who are you talking about?

Cathy Anne: I’ll tell you what the problem is. Politricians–

Michael Che: Tricians?

Cathy Anne: — are all narcissists, Michael Che. Now, I can never be a politician [Cut to Cathy Anne] because I am not a narcissist, okay? I have a very realistic view of myself and my problems. Go, number run, here it is. Here it is, folks. I’m too testing. I go from 0 to 60 like that [snapping her fingers] okay? And I have a pretty bad history with drugs and alcohol. [Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne] Yeah! Oh yeah! You better believe that. That explode the hell out of that. Yeah.

Michael Che: Are you okay?

Cathy Anne: No! Well, you know who I feel bad for?

Michael Che: No.

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: Donald Trump’s beautiful wife Nelamia. Yeah, and his beautiful daughter Kevana.

Michael Che: Who?

Cathy Anne: Although, you know what? I would buy me some of Kevana suits. Yes, I would. But to be honest, you know what? I have a pretty bad problem.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne. Cathy Anne puts his left foot over the table. Het whole foot and shoe is broken.]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Cathy Anne: Hey! Whoa! Hey! You know what? At least I’m honest. We’re not having problems unlike Hillary Husine Clinton.

Michael Che: Husine?

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: If I had demonia (she means pneumonia] like her and I was best friends with creditor or Robamacare, oh you better believe I would go there with my demonia. Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: I understood like three of those words.  So is there anything that the candidates can do to get your vote?

Cathy Anne: Yeah! They can show me they know how to have a good time. Hello, you can’t trust nobody that don’t know how to have a good time.

Michael Che: So your min problem is they’re not having fun?

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: Hillary Clinton is never had any damn fun. Are you kidding me? I mean, did you see her at the commencement, come on! What the hell kind of nerd life do you have to live where you’re 70 years old and you are that excited to see a balloon and you’re not a junkie. I mean– [Cathy Anne shakes her head and stares here and there] You remember!

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: I do remember. I remember. But what about Donald Trump? He seems like he’s always having fun.

Cathy Anne: No. No. Donald Trunk says he’s having fun. Yeah. He says it all the damn time. [Cut to Cathy Anne] But you know what? If he ain’t hanging out no Mexicans and no blacks and no gays and no women, then he ain’t having no damn fun. And you know that well!

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: It’s true. We are fun.

Cathy Anne: You know what? A bunch of people in a room that look like him, that ain’t no damn party. That’s my payroll hearing. And that wasn’t fun. Dodged it. They did not think I had change.

Michael Che: Wait, you’re a felon? You can’t even vote.

Cathy Anne: No. Well, [Cut to Cathy Anne] I am in a fugitive type of situation. And my innocence will be prevailed in the end. I’ll show you.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Alright, I’ll look forward to that. Cathy Anne, everybody!

Cathy Anne: Thank you. Robama! Robama!

[Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: It’s not Robama.

Colin Jost: Robama.

Michael Che: Who is Robama?

Weekend Update David Ortiz on Yankee Stadium

Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this week, Red Sox Slugger David Ortiz played his final series against the New York Yankees. Here to talk about it is Big Poppy himself, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in]

[cheers and applause]

David Ortiz: Yay! Yay! Yay! Wow! Ke pasa contigo el, Jost.

Colin Jost: Hey, you know, mas o menos yuste?

David Ortiz: Shut up. Man, we already gotta deal with the team cane, man!

Colin Jost: That’s fair. Now Big Poppy, what do you think you’ll miss most about playing at Yankee stadium?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: You know, out of all the things if I had to pick one thing, I’ll probably say lunch.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’ll miss lunch?

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s right, man. Big Stadium got a big lunch. You ever eat at the Yankee Stadium Jost?

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Man, they got mofongo, pechuga frita, sobade es spaghetti, e hochadogo hamo. It’s like a sweet milky ham drink.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: My god.

David Ortiz: Yeah, man.

Colin Jost: It’s delicious. Yeah. Now, I heard the Yankees also gave you kind of a farewell present.

David Ortiz: Oh, that’s right man. Mariano Rivera gave me a tiny box. I open it up, big lunch. [Cut to David Ortiz] Inside there was mofongo, ado comfeti tale, chi cha londe beef steak, ewasa kaka cokeso frito, and then instead of playing baseball, everybody take a big nap. Yeah, the fans were no happy.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. And do you know what you’re going to do at the end of the season?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah bro. I endorsements.

Colin Jost: What? Like, you do endorsements?

David Ortiz: No, no, no, no. I endorse mints. [Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz. There’s a big ‘Mints’ written at the bottom.] Mints. You want your breath to be acceptable for 15 minutes? Reach for mints. It’s like brushing your teeth but with sugar. 5 out of 5 dentists say, “Oh-oh!” With Mints. Yeah.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So that’s just like a general ad for mints?

David Ortiz: Oh, I guess so. But I do specific brands too.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Okay.

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Yeah. Did you like Pepsi but you hate how sanitary it is? Then reach for Hepsi. [logo of Hepsi appears at the bottom of the screen] It’s the only soda pop that’s also a liquid acidity. So when people ask, “You got Hep?”, yo can tell them ,”Si.” With Hepsi.  Yay! Yay!

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

And you know, I got a new transportation app too, man.

Colin Jost: A transportation app?

David Ortiz: That’s right. It’s called Lift.

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz. There’s a logo of Lift at the bottom of the screen]

Do you need to go somewhere? Lift your ass off the couch and walk, man! Coz I’m not driving you.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, that’s an app?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro! But I know what you’re thinking. What if I can’t get direction? Yes? Yes?

Colin Jost: Um, no. I was not thinking that. No.

David Ortiz: Well, then you should try SeeAlice.

Colin Jost: SeeAlice?

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz.]

David Ortiz: Do you need a little extra fat on your back? Go see Alice.

[SeeAlice logo appears at the bottom of the screen.]

Yeah. It’s a girl Alice that I know, man. She’s very pretty. And if she can’t get you aroused, I think it’s broke, bro!

Colin Jost: Big Poppy, everyone.

David Ortiz: Yeah, you better miss me, Yankees.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of athletes kneeling at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Many black athletes have come under fire for following Colin Kaepernick’s lead in kneeling during the National anthem.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah, but I don’t understand that.

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: If the national anthem was so important, how did they know somebody was kneeling? How did they even notice? That’s how boring national anthem is. Halfway through it, you’re looking around the stadium like, “I wonder what the backup quarterback for the 49 is up to.” I don’t get it.

Colin Jost: I love the national anthem. You know?

Michael Che: Of course you do. You’re white.

Colin Jost: No, no. I’m saying I like it coz it’s the only song I can dance to. [Michael Che laughing] No, it just has choreography white people can handle. [Colin Jost puts his hand on chest and lower it repeatedly.] Just like the step one of the Macarena. You know?

Michael Che: How are you single? [Cut to Michael Che] It’s mostly white guys that are upset, you know? And I can understand why white guys love the national anthem so much. Because this country has always been great for white guys. You absolutely should defend the national anthem. If I was white, I’d always defend the national anthem. I expect white guys to defend the national anthem like I expected Phylicia Rashād to defend Bill Cosby. I’m sure when people were protesting the Cosby show, Clay Huskin was like, “I don’t know what he did to y’all, but the nigga made me rich.” And I’m sure it’s an inconvenient time to bring up such a heavy issue during a football game, but it’s a protest. It’s supposed to be inconvenient. That’s the whole point of a protest. It’s just like you at home and your girl’s mad at you and you just want to unwind and watch the game and she walks right in front of the TV and stands there and goes, “We need to talk.” And you’re like, “Now? The game’s on.” And she goes, “Honey, you shot another kid?” That’s what Kaepernick’s doing. [Colin Jost laughing] Besides, listen, Kaepernick is not the only one trying to raise awareness during the football game for sad cause. They’re turning uniforms pink for breast cancer tomorrow and nobody is upset about that. I bet if the police went around shooting unarmed boobies, everybody would take a knee.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Thoughts?

Colin Jost: [laughing] I think you just said unarmed boobies.

Michael Che: Well, yeah.

Colin Jost: [laughing] On the lighter side of things, [Michael Che laughing] now, once again weekend update presents…

Michael Che: [laughing] TheWeeknd Update.

[Cut to TheWeeknd Update video bumper.]

Announcer: TheWeeknd Update.

[Cut to TheWeeknd in his dressing room]

TheWeeknd: [looks at the camera] I got a haircut.

[Cut to TheWeeknd Update video bumper.]

Announcer: This has been the Weeknd Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a museum at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The national museum of African American History opened on the Washington Mall this week and it gives a detailed account of black history in the US. Or for a different version of black history, give my grandpa a scotch.

[Colin Jost takes a deep breath]

Michael Che: On, now you on my side? [Colin Jost laughing]

[Picture changes to a spider and Australian flag.]

Colin Jost: A man in Australia has been bitten by a venomous spider on his penis for the second time in five months. “Fool me once”, said the guy who had to suck out the poison.

[Michael Che laughing]

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton shaking hands at left to corner.]

Well. [cheers and applause] Hey. [Michael Che laughing] Well, the first presidential debate is over and it’s official, we still have to choose between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. It’s like choosing a phone right now. [Picture changes to a hand holding a phone] There’s really only two options. We don’t want the iPhone 7 [picture changes to Hillary Clinton] coz it feels like it’s kind of being forced on us, also it’s not necessarily an improvement. But also, we don’t want the Samsung Galaxy [Picture changes to Donald Trump] which could explode at any minute.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, I don’t even know what I expect to learn from this debate. It’s like when you wake up hungry and there’s nothing in your fridge, but you check again twenty minutes later as if something good is gonna magically appear, but nope! Just tang and prunes.

Colin Jost: [laughing] It’s a weird fridge.

Michael Che: [laughing] It didn’t feel like I was watching a debate. It felt like I was watching a divorced couple fight for custody of a kid that hates them both. [audience laughing] It’s kind of like Brad and Angelina [Picture changes to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie] but if Brand Pitt only wanted to keep the white kids.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Presidential Debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Colin Jost: And look, I gotta say, I did debate in high school and it was way more sophisticated than whatever that was. I never got stumped in a high school debate and blurred it out, “Yeah, well Rosie O’Donnell is still a bitch!” And this is got to be a first presidential debate in history where afterwards people were genuinely asking, “Were they on drugs?”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Well, speaking of drugs, Donald Trump was criticized for suggesting a nation wide stoping frisk.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Michael Che: And of course, Donald Trump is for it because Donald Trump would never be stopped and frisked. You know, they only stop and frisk people like me, okay? And that’s why it’s not fair. Granted, if you stop and frisk everybody that looks like me, you’re gonna find a lot of drugs. [audience laughing] But! If you stop and frisk everybody that looks like Colin, you’re gonna find better drugs!

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: You know? I had fun.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

The consensus after the debate was that Hillary won but Donald Trump went online and found some weird internet poll that said he won the debate. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] But now, I’m worried he’s gonna be distracted for the next debate because he also found out there are bunch of [picture changes to porn ad scam that says ‘hot and horny singles Your Area!!’] hot and horny singles in his are.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: But as bad as Trump is doing, Hillary is only barely doing any better than him. So no matter who wins, this is gonna be a ‘Rebuilding’ season for America. And that’s gonna be tough for us to handle because America’s basically the New York Yankees of countries right now, which is so used to winning and dominating, but sometimes you lose your charismatic biracial leader [Picture changes to Aaron Judge and Barack Obama] and you still gotta start all over again.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton waving at the public wearing a loose shirt at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And right now, Hillary needs to stop celebrating that she won the first debate. It’s like she’s in a wrestling ring shrouding around like the match is over and she doesn’t notice that right behind her, Chris Christie is handing Trump a folding chair. [audience laughing] Hillary can’t even gloat well. She just got over pneumonia and this is actually how she came out on campaign trip.

[Cut to a video clip of Hillary Clinton walking to the campaign tour stage doing very well. ‘I Feel Good’ by James Brown playing in the background]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

She came out to James Brown’s ‘I feel good’. I just want to point out that James Brown died of pneumonia.

[audience whooping]

What?

[Cut to Michael Che shaking his head]

Michael Che: If she actually had black friends, she would have knew that.

 

The Librarian

Jeremy… Bobby Moynihan

Ms. Dodson… Margot Robbie

Kyle Mooney

Fishman… Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Jeremy listening to the music staring at Ms. Dodson in the library. Ms. Dodson is a librarian.]

[Kyle comes in and slaps on Jeremy’s forehead.]

Kyle: Snap out of it, you Donkes.

[Jeremy’s friends come to sit with him

Jeremy: Come on!

Fishman: Drooling over Ms. Dodson again?

Jeremy: Shut up, Fishman.

Mikey: I heard Ms. Dodson hooked up with a student once.

Jeremy: Oh, man! She’s so hot.

Kyle: [mocking] Oh, she’s so hot. You Donkes!

Jeremy: Come on, Nate! Don’t be an anus!

[Ms. Dodson slams a book on their table]

Ms. Dodson: Shh!

[Ms. Dodson turns around and walks back]

Jeremy: Whoa!

Alex: Ask her out, Jeremy!

Jeremy: No way.

Fishman: Ay, Ms. Dodson.

Jeremy: [whispering] Shut up!

Fishman: Jeremy thinks you’re hot.

[guys giggling]

Jeremy: Fishman, what are you doing?

Ms. Dodson: Is that true, Jeremy?

Jeremy: Um, no– it– no.  I’m– ugh! I mean, yeah.

[Ms. Dodson walks towards their table]

Ms. Dodson: Well, Jeremy, what are you gonna do about it?

[music starts playing]

[Ms. Dodson takes off her glasses and opens her sweater.]

Jeremy: Oh yeah.

[She pulls her skirt up.]

Fishman: Oh yeah.

[She loosens her hair.]

Kyle: So beautiful.

[Ms. Dodson starts pulling her hair off]

Jeremy: Oh no!

[Ms. Dodson is bald.]

Mikey: Oh no.

[Ms. Dodson peels off a banana, throws the banana and eats the banana peel.]

Jeremy: Oh no.

[Ms. Dodson swallows the whole lollipop with the stick]

Kyle: Not the stick!

[Ms. Dodson takes her teeth off, her real teeth are disgusting.]

Fishman: What is happening?

[Ms. Dodson shows her tattoo of a student.]

Jeremy: Haley Joel Osment?

[Ms. Dodson shows another tattoo]

Mikey: Haley Joel Osment now?

[Cecily walks to Ms. Dodson and they start getting intimate]

[Ms. Dodson breaks Cecily’s neck and smiles at boys]

Fishman: Straight up murderer?

[Ms. Dodson walks to the boys and gets on the table crawling towards Jeremy. She looks scary.]

[Ms. Dodson has her tongue like snake, licking Jeremy on face.]

[Ms. Dodson’s saliva drops on the table and the table is burning.]

[Ms. Dodson slowling ripps off her shirt and shows her breasts.]

[All the boys stare at her breasts]

Boys: Oh yeah.

[All boys’ heads pop bursts.]

The Hunch Bunch

Josh… Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Fenster … Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Ted… Beck Bennett

Becca Ashley… Margot Robbie

[Starts with the Hunch Bunch intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Nick@Nite, now back to a classic episode of the Hunch Bunch.

[The characters get into a room. It looks like a haunted house.]

Josh: Okay, the coast is clear.

Aidy: Ew, cobwebs. I hate spiders.

Fenster: You’re worried about the cobwebs? Did you forget about the monster?

Cecily: Stop chitchatting and look for clues, you two.

Ted: Just once, I’d like to solve a mystery in a place that isn’t spooky.

Josh: We can do it Hunch Bunch. We just have to use our heads.

Becca Ashley: Can I just say? This is so much fun. I have been bugging Ted for doing mystery for weeks.

Cecily: No problem, Becca Ashley. We’re gonna need all the help we can get.

Fenster: Well, like, no clue’s here. We can go now. Who’s hungry?

[Fenster walks away]

Aidy: You’re such a fraidy cat, Fenster.

[Everyone laughs]

Becca Ashley: Yeah, you lame ass pussy.

Ted: Babe, don’t say that!

Becca Ashley: What? I was just joining in teasing.

Ted: Yeah, but like, you don’t know these guys that well yet. You know, just pump the brakes.

Josh: Well, lookie here. If there’s a real monster hunting this castle, [Josh finds a monster mask] then what’s this?

Becca Ashley: Oh! The monster’s face.

Josh: Well, sort of Becca Ashley. It’s a mask. Which means…

Becca Ashley: The monster made a mask of his own face.

Josh: Good guess but I have a hunch there is no monster.

Cecily: So that means the monster…

Everybody: Is ground’s keeper Cogin.

Becca Ashley: [not following] Mask of his own face!

Ted: Babe!

Aidy: It all adds up. Grounds keeper Cogin just wants the castle all to himself.

Ted: And what better way to scare off visitors then dressing up as a spooky monster.

Fenster: But wait. If grounds keeper Cogin’s the monster, like, how did he get from here to the dining room so fast?

Josh: There must be some sort–

Becca Ashley: [interrupting] He had a bike.

Aidy: Ted, can you…

Ted: Yeah. Babe, let’s just listen for a while, okay? You know, it’s actually super interesting how it all gets solved.

Josh: I know how grounds keeper Cogin got across the house so fast. He had some sort of…

[Josh pulls a book off the shelf and it opens a secret path.]

… shortcut.

Becca Ashley: What? Josh broke the bookshelf. What an idiot!

Josh: Ha-ha. I didn’t break the bookshelf. That’s a secret passage way.

Becca Ashley: Why?

Josh: What do you mean why? Because that’s what it is. It’s simply a secret passage way. Look, Becca Ashley, I want to include you because I like Ted and you’re very positive, but please, stop challenging everything say.

Becca Ashley: Yeah, but you broke it.

Josh: Okay.

[footsteps sound]

Fenster: Shh, like I hear someone coming.

Becca Ashley: Ew, who would have sex in this filthy old castle?

Josh: What? Ew, no. No!

Fenster: Like, everyone, hide!

[everyone hides]

[Grounds Keeper Cogin walks in]

Cogin: Now, where did I leave my mask?

[Becca Ashley stand and shoots at Grounds Keeper Cogin three times at his back.]

Josh: No!

Ted: Babe, what the hell is wrong with you?

Cecily: You brought a gun?

Aidy: You shot grounds keeper Cogin.

Becca Ashley: No, because he’s the monster.

Josh: I don’t even think he technically broke any laws.

Fenster: We have to help him. He’s still alive.

Becca Ashley: No way! I’m not going back to jail.

[Becca Ashley cocks the gun]

Everybody: No.

[Cut to video bumper]

Announcer: The Hunch Bunch [gun shot sound] will be right back.

Presidential Debate Cold Open

Lester Hold… Michael Che

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Lester Holt in his set]

Lester Holt: Good evening. From Hofstra University, I’m Lester Holt. [cheers and applause] And welcome to the first presidential debate. A quick reminder to our audience, there is no cheering, no clapping, and to the Trump supporters, no shirt, no shoes, no service. Now let’s bring out the candidates. First, she has been battling pneumonia and we hope she’s feeling better tonight. It’s secretary Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking in to her podium with support of cane.]

[cheers and applause]

[Hillary Clinton leaves her cane and rolls over her body]

Hillary Clinton: I’m better than ever. Let’s do this.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: And finally, he’s the man to blame for the bottom half of all his kid’s faces, it’s republican nominee Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in to his podium]

[cheers and applause]

Speaker Donald Trump: Good evening, America. I am going to be so good tonight. I am going to be so calm and so presidential that all of you watching are going to cream your jeans.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, let’s begin with you. Why are you a better choice than your opponent to create jobs and put money into the pockets of American workers?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, let’s– My opponent’s tax plan benefits the top Lester Holt% so much, it’s not just trickled down economics. It’s– I don’t know. I guess if I had to call up something off the top of the old dome with no prep, whatsoever, I don’t know. I guess I call it ‘Trumped up trickled down economics’.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: That’s very catchy, secretary. You just came up with that just now?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I did. Right off the stiff red cuff. [raising her hand. She is wearing a red suit.]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: Hey, Jazz man. I’ve got a very presidential answer for this. Our jobs are fleeing this country. They’re going to Mexico, they’re going to Gina (mocking China), I will stop that. If Hillary knew how, she would have done it already, period, end of story. I won the debate. I stayed calm just like I promised. And it is over. Goodnight Hofstra.

[Donald Trump turns around and walks away]

Lester Holt: Donald! [Cut to Lester Holt] Donald. There is still 88 minutes left. It’s a 90 minute debate.

[Cut to Donald Trump on his podium]

Speaker Donald Trump: My microphone is broken. [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton] She broke it with Obama. She and Obama stole my microphone. They took it to Kenya. They took my microphone to Kenya and they broke it and now it’s broken. [Donald Trump is sniffing] Can you hear that? It’s picking up somebody sniffing here. I think it’s her sniffs. She’s been sniffing all night. Testing. Testing. Gina. Gina. Huge Gina.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, what do you think about that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I think I’m gonna be president.

[audience whooping]

I mean, this man is clearly unfit to be Commander in Chief.

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: He is a bully.

Speaker Donald Trump: Shut up.

Hillary Clinton: He started the birth removement.

Speaker Donald Trump: You did.

Hillary Clinton: He says climate change is a hoax invented by China.

Speaker Donald Trump: It’s pronounced Gina!

Hillary Clinton: He hasn’t released his tax returns which means he’s either not that rich–

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: Not that charitable–

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: Or he has never paid taxes in his life.

Speaker Donald Trump: Warmer.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Let’s move on to national security. Mr. Trump, you’ve criticized Secretary Clinton for voting for the Iraq war, but you yourself supported the war–

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. You’re being very mean to me tonight, caltrain. Very mean to me. I was against the war. Ask anyone in the world named Sean Hannity. I told Sean Hannity. Call Sean Hannity.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: You told Sean Hannity on his show and that’s a proof?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: No, I told him in private. It was just me and Sean, late at night. I leaned over and I whispered in his ear, “Sean, I’m against the war in Iraq.” And then he whispered in my ear, “I am against the war too.” And the next thing I knew I was kissing Sean Hannity.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Moving right past that, the Iraq war is all about judgement. Secretary Clinton, do you think you have better judgement than Mr. Trump?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Yes, yes. Of course I do. Donald Trump has terrible judgement. He makes bad decisions. He spent his life cheating middle class labors. Laborers like my own human father who made, I guess drapes or printed drapes, or sold drapes, or um… something drapes and he was relatable and I am also relatable.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump, same question. Why is your judgement better than Secretary Clinton?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: Because it is. I have the best judgement and the best temperament. She’s the one with the bad temperament. She’s always screaming. She’s constantly lying. Her hair is crazy. Her face is completely orange except around the eyes where it’s white. And when she stops talking, her mouth looks like a tiny little butt-hole.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, you have two minutes to respond.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, that’s okay. He can have mine too.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Okay. Mr. Trump, two more minutes.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: The thing about the blacks is that they’re killing each other.

[Cut to Lester Holt. He is shaking his head.]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

All the blacks live on one street in Chicago, all on one street. I just read that this morning. It’s called ‘Hell Street’. And they run Hell Street and they’re all just killing each other. Just like I am killing this debate.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, did you have a response?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. She looks very happy.]

Hillary Clinton: Um… Not a response, more of a request. Can America vote right now?

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Well, this has been an illuminating debate. But now it’s time for our final–

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Alicia Machado.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: I’m sorry. What was that? Who is Alicia Machado?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you for bring that up Lester. She is a strong, beautiful, political prop that I almost forgot to mention tonight, even though we already made a wet video about her. Alicia Machado was Miss Universe in 1996.

Speaker Donald Trump: Where did you find this?

Hillary Clinton: And Donald Trump called her ‘Miss Piggy’.

Speaker Donald Trump: No. How do you know this?

Hillary Clinton: And ‘Miss Housekeeping’.

Speaker Donald Trump: That’s pretty funny.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump, your response?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: Lester, why are we talking about this woman? We should be talking about the important issues like Rosie O’Donnell and how she’s a fat loser and everyone agrees with me. And I just wanted to bring that up in a presidential debate right at the end, my own good idea. I did it.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, why are you crying?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I’m sorry Lester. It’s, this is going so well. It’s going exactly how I always dreamed.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Okay. And now it’s time to move on to the closing statements. Secretary Clinton, you’re first.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen America, I get it. You hate me. You hate my voice and you hate my face. Well, here’s a tip. If you never wanna see my face again, elect me president, and I swear to god I will lock myself in the Oval office and not come out for four years. But if you don’t elect me, I will continue to run for president until the day I die. And I will never die.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump. Final remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: You know what Lester? I was going to say something extremely rough to Hillary tonight, but I said to myself I can’t do it, I just cant do it. But if I had said it, it would have been a nuclear bomb because in the 90s, our president was a man named Bill Clinton. Not many people know this, but that man is her husband. And in 1998, get this, he had an affair. It’s true. My investigators are looking into it right now. It was a woman named Monica, very heavy. I don’t have her last name yet but when I get it, I’m gonna set my alarm for 3:20 AM and go sit on my golden toilet bowl and tweet about it until completion.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Oh my god! Just remind everyone at home, this was the presidential debate. Any final words?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump coming to the center together]

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.