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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Bianca Jagger And Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends

Narrator…..Bill Murray
Bianca Jagger…..Madeline Kahn
Truman Capote…..John Belushi
Grace Kelly…..Jane Curtin
Margaret Trudeau…..Laraine Newman

[ open on Narrator standing beside dinner table ]

Narrator: Bianca Jagger has just finished eating dinner in this television studio… with Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends. At the table tonight: [ revealed in close-up, one at a time ] Truman Capote… Princess Grace… Margaret Trudeau… and our hostess, Bianca Jagger. Won’t you join Bianca for wine, cheese and grapes?

[ the Narrator turns his attention to the table, as the camera zooms closer ]

Truman Capote: [ cackling with glee ] You know, Bianca — Everyone knows how much you’ve changed, now that you’re a working woman. I mean, you’re just not the same Bianca.

Bianca Jagger: Of course, I’m not the same. How could I be the same? I’ve completely changed.

Truman Capote: How do you feel that you’ve changed?

Bianca Jagger: How do I feel that I’ve changed? You’re so silly. You know that I was… leading the party life before I was working. You know that for a fact. If I was invited to a party, I’d take the plane, I’d get on the plane, I go to the country, I learn the language, I go to the party! I AM the party! That is what it is.

Truman Capote: Yeah, it’s true. It’s really true. You are the party.

Bianca Jagger: That is true. But I am working now. That is the pattern of my life. I am working now, and I have learned something… that is very, very important in life. And that is that you must… be… on… time. If you are called to a place, to be there at one o’clock… you do not arrive at five o-clock. You will have kept everyone waiting for… [ thinking ] four hours. This is what I used to do if I were to arrive, because what is time? Time is nothing. What is time? Time never met… What is time? Time is nothing. But this has completely changed now.

Grace Kelly: How’s Mick?

Margaret Trudeau: Yes! How is Mick? I thought he was gonig to be here?

Bianca Jagger: How is Mick? [ a beat ] I come from Nicaragua. There is a saying amongst the very wealthy women there, which says that… “You cannot shave your legs after your pantyhose are on.” And I believe that this is true.

Truman Capote: Ah! Yes, that is true!

Grace Kelly: Of course, it’s true.

Margaret Trudeau: Oh, you’re right! Because… if you nick yourself, you can’t get a Band-aid on underneath them.

Bianca Jagger: You completely misunderstood!

Truman Capote: Bianca… you’re so beautiful. Um… you are.

Bianca Jagger: You are!

Truman Capote: Thank you! Uh — Do you think that make-up is important?

Bianca Jagger: Do I think that make-up is important? [ a beat ] I do not USE make-up, Truman, and you KNOW that I do not use make-up! What is make-up? Make-up uses ME! I make the make-up to look GOOD! You COMPLETELY misunderstand!

Margaret Trudeau: Where is Mick? I thought he was going to be here for dinner!

Truman Capote: Yes, where is Mick?

Grace Kelly: There is a saying amongst the poor owmen of Monaco: “If your husband is late for dinner… maybe he has eaten somewhere else.”

Bianca Jagger: You make me so jealous.

Truman Capote: Oh, that Mick is such a raw talent, you know? What is it like being married to a man like MICK JAGGER?

Bianca Jagger: What is it like…? I have learned… many things. Like I have learned that a woman — I… am woman, woman I am — When a woman is married to, for instance, a… Mick Jagger. And if her first name is, for instance… Bianca. Then, she — the woman — gets to call herself… Bianca Jagger.

Truman Capote: That’s such a marvelous name for this world…

Margaret Trudeau: I wish Mick would get here, he has such a sensual lower lip.

Truman Capote: God, that’s true!

Grace Kelly: He’s very popular in Monaco, I wanted to ask him to be on our stamp.

Truman Capote: God, he’s be beautiful! You know, everything is a question of attitude. You know, how you feel and how you are. I used to feel short, I looked short. Now I feel tall, and I am tall — unless I have to reach for something high on a shelf.

Bianca Jagger: This is — I cannot — I — I — I just — What are we talking about? We are talking about reaching. We are talking about NOTHING! [ she looks into the camera ] You must understand me, I’m sorry. I must be honest — These people are NOT my friends! Okay? This is NOT my dining room. I would not have MY friends SIT in a dinning room like this. This is a television show, I’m terribly sorry. I don’t particularly care for these people, I don’t particularly care for TELEVISION! I don’t particularly care for any… What is CARE?! What is it? What is I? What is what? What is WHAT?! You understand me? I mean, I cannot bear it! I cannot bear it! I really cannot.

[ as Bianca continues to ramble on, the Narrator steps back in front of the table ]

Narrator: You just had wine, cheese and grapes with Bianca Jagger… And Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends.

[ pull out, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Will Barry Manilow Outlive His Wardrobe?” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Goodnights

…..Madeline Kahn

Madeline Kahn: [ hurriedly ] Good night, thank you for watching! Good night. Thank you for watching. THank you, Barrie Humphries. Thank you, Taj Mahal.

[ the credits have already come up and begin to roll ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night, the host will be Hugh Hefner, with musical guest Libby Titus. And Andy Kaufman! Until then, remember: Columbus Day is coming up, so why don’t you try to discover something? This is Don Pardo saying: “Good night.”

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Silver Balls & Golden Pins
Preacher…..Bill Murray
Singer…..Madeline Kahn

[ open on Preacher at pulpit ]

Preacher: You know… When I was in the Army, there was a guy in our outfit. A quiet little guy, who always had a kind word for everybody. And this guy never went to church. Instead, he’d go bowling every Sunday morning. So one day, the Chaplain saw him, and he went over and he asked: “Soldier, why are you bowling on the Lord’s day?” And the little guy sort of smiled, and this is what he said:

[ wipe to Singer ]

Singer:
“Life is like… a bowling alley
There’s a fast lane and a slowwwww.
And a score sheet up in Heaven
Which records… the deep below.”

[ dissolve back to sermon ]

Preacher: Ah, do you remember what a thrill it was when that first ball crept down the alley? And by some wondrous and amazing miracle, you knocked over ALL the pins and you felt just like Mr. Dick Weber himself! Because you just took ’em out! Because you just took ’em down, because you JUST threw your very first strike!

[ wipe to Singer ]

Singer:
“‘Cause you practiced every weekend
You were startin’ to improve.
Now you’ve learned to throw the big ball
And your hook… is in the groove.”

[ wipe to reveal that Singer is a statuette atop a bowling trophy ]

Singer:
“And with a grace… that youth alone knows
Fortune smiles on every try.
Soon you’re bowlin’ for a team
And getting ones… and scorin’ high.”

[ dissolve back to sermon ]

Preacher: Yes… but the years roll by, and some days the lanes are dark and dreary. And you just can’t hit the pocket, and the pins keep standing like they’re part of the building! Why, it seems like only yesterday you were showing them how it’s done, and now your powerhouse has turned into a POWDER PUFF! But you don’t quit! You pick up the old apple, and you give it all you’ve got, and when the maw and maple stops spinning around, you find yourself looking down the alley at bedposts, snake eyes, mule ears, telephone poles — in other words, the impossible 7-10 split. And so you ask Him to guide your ball… but you miss anyway, and you start to lose your faith in bowling… and begin thinking seriously about taking up GOLF!

[ wipe to Singer ]

Singer:
“If you end up in the gutterrrrr
Don’t feel shaaaaaame, and don’t feel sorrowwwww!
You can allllllways up your average
You bowl again tomorrowwwwww!”

[ dissolve to full shot of trophy, with Singer surrounded by bowlers ]

“‘Cause all too soon, the ball grows heavy
And your hair, gets tinged to gray.
Hands that tremble, feet that falter
And it doesn’t help to pray.

‘Cause You can’t bear to see the head pin
Gonna halt a perfect game.
AS you look, back on your scorecard
Empty dreams and open frames.”

[ dissolve back to sermon ]

Preacher: And then one day, you wake up in the BIGGEST bowling center you ever saw. The balls are silver like the moon, and the pins are golden like the sun, and the foul line… well, the foul line is the Milky Way. Yes, you rent your shoes from angels and they fit real good, too! But, friend, just one word of advice: There ain’t no beer frame in Heaven.

[ wipe to Singer with bowlers on trophy ]

Singer:
“Leave all doubts, and fears behind you
Say goodbye to earthly woes
As the veil is lifted, and you
learn the secret, of the pros.

There you’ll be rollin’ strikes like thunder
You’ll be smaaaaashing pins like rain.
Winning trophies, make up rainbows
On an evvvvvverlasting lane!

In an alabaster alley
Silver balls and golden pins!
You’ll be bowwwwwlin’ with the Master
But the Master always wins! Ha!

In an alabaster alley
Silver balls and golden pins!
You’ll be bowwwwwlin’ with the Master
But the Master all-always wiiiiiiiiiins!”

[ fade ]

Lyrics updated, thanks to Mike Martin.

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 8th, 1977

Madeline Kahn

Taj Mahal

Barry Humphries

Lorne Michaels

Andy Murphy

Jim Downey

Alan Zweibel

Tom Schiller

Mitchell Laurance

Tom Davis

Al Franken
The Trial Of Lee Harry OswaldSummary: ABC’s “the names have been changed to protect the innocent” version of the JFK assassination features Lee Harry Oswald (Bill Murray) being hit in the face with a pie.

Transcript

Montage

Madeline Kahn’s MonologueSummary: Madeline Kahn announces that the show will go on, despite the rainy weather, then comments on the uncertain nature of live television and life itself.

First Hosted: 75s.

Transcript

SwillSummary: A traveling salesman (Bill Murray) savors the flavor of the mineral weater dredged from Lake Erie.

Transcript

Bad OperaSummary: An opera singer’s (Madeline Kahn) performance in “Die Goldenklang” is ruined by a case of larynx lock while performing the Golden Note.

Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell, Steve Bushakis, Ronnie Bateman.

Anyone Can Host ContestSummary: Lorne Michaels announces the “Anyone Can Host” contest for home viewers.

Transcript

Bianca Jagger and Three or Four of Her Close Personal FriendsSummary: A glimpse at the intimate yet mundane dinner conversations between Bianca Jagger (Madeline Kahn) and her close personal friends Truman Capote (John Belushi), Princess Grace (Jane Curtin), and Margaret Trudeau (Laraine Newman).

Recurring Characters: Truman Capote, Princess Grace.

Transcript

Taj Mahal performs “Queen Bee”

“The Acid Generation: Where Are They Now?”Summary: One decade later, the hippies from the 1960’s are elderly, retired, and nostalgic for the old days.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: NBC’s Dancing N hands a news bulletin to Dan Aykroyd. Dan Aykroyd dons a fake Russian accent to narrate supposed file footage of the 1957 Sputnik launch. Entertainment reporter Bill Murray reviews the new Donny & Marie show and expresses his concern for Marie’s sexy new image.

Silver Balls & Golden PinsSummary: As a preacher (Bill Murray) delivers his sermon, the female statuette (Madeline Kahn) atop a bowling trophy sings “Silver Balls & Golden Pins”.

Transcript

Reverse DiscriminationSummary: Vengeful Craig Baker (John Belushi) sues for reverse discrimination when a blind black man (Garrett Morris) is accepted to law school instead of him.

Transcript

“Autumn In New York”Summary: In a film by Gary Weis, Madeline Kahn sings “Autumn in New York” while prancing through the city.

The Pink BoxSummary: Sally’s (Gilda Radner) new feminine hygeine product is personal and mysterious that neither she or Vickie (Laraine Newman) can figure out what it is or what it’s supposed to do.

Transcript

Hercules Movie DubSummary: Voice actor (Dan Aykroyd) handles all the voices while dubbing a Hercules film for English audiences.

Dame Edna EverageSummary: Madeline Kahn interviews British stage actress Dame Edna Everage (Barry Humphries) on a variety of odd topics.

Pocket PalSummary: Traveling businessman (Dan Aykroyd) carries the electronic device that can predict mid-air collisions within ten seconds of impact.

Transcript

Women’s SecretsSummary: A drunken Judith (Madeline Kahn) and Gail (Gilda Radner) divulge randy secrets while waiting a man to call Gail the day after their date.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Weekend Update with Dan Aykroyd & Jane Curtin

…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman
…..Bill Murray
…..Garrett Morris
…..John Belushi

[ open on the new Weekend Update newsdesk: Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroud seated in position, as the night’s correspondents, Bill Murray, John Belushi, and Laraine Newman, stand around them. Garrett Morris soon steps forward as well. ]

Announcer: And now “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.

[ cut to close-up two-shot of Jane and Dan ]

Dan Aykroyd: Good evening, I’m Dan Aykroyd.

Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin.

Our top story tonight: The house of Represnetatives, yesterdays, voted to increase the mandatory retirement age from 65 to 70. Opponents of the measure immediately released a bill raising the age of birth from 0 to 5.

In November, President Carter will make a 24,000-mile journey, taking him from Venuezela, Brazil, India, Iran, France, Poland, Belgium, and Nigeria. Carter cancelled plans to spend Thanksgiving with Idi Amin in Uganda, saying he doesn’t like the taste of Turk.

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Jane. This just in: the Surgeon General’s office has released results of tests which establish a definite link between fire and third-degree burns.

Jane Curtin: Correspondent Laraine Newman has just returned from a month-long trip to China, and has filed this report. Laraine?

Laraine Newman: Jane, I spent Rosh Hanshana (?) this year in the People’s Republic of China. And I must say, I can recommend it highly to anyone looking for an interesting way to ring in the new year — or gong in the new year, as they say in Beijing, Jane. But… my trip was marred by a somber event, Jane: the observance of the first anniversary of the death of Chairman Mao Tse-tung It was an impressive and emotional ceremony, with literally millions of people who made pilgrimages to Peking to pay homage to their fallen leader. And I was proud and happy to represent “Weekend Update” in this event. I was also fortunate to obtain one of a limited number of official mementos of this occasion. [ she grabs a prop ] It’s this replica of Chairman Mao in his crystal vault. [ she flips the prop upside-down, which has the same comic event of a snowglobe ] It’s not only a fitting commemorative object, Jane, but it is also quite decorative as well. The new Mao paperweight, Jane! Back to you.

Jane Curtin: [ clearly appalled ] Fascinating.

Cher Bono checked out of Doctor’s Hospital in New York last week, after undergoing cosmetic surgery to have her breasts lifted. Husband Gregg Allman could not be reached for comment, as we understand that he’s just checked into Doctor’s Hospital to have his hands lifted.

Dan Aykroyd: I hope things work out okay there, Jane.

Jane Curtin: I do, too, Dan.

Dan Aykroyd: We’ll be right back after the weather.

[ they sit there nearly uncomfortable, waiting for the cut to the weather ]

[ cut to Autumn footage, as SUPER appears:

“WEATHER UPDATE

Temperature 75: degrees F: 24 degrees C

Barometer: Broken

Air Quality: The Pits” ]

[ next screen reads:

“Five Days Ahead

Sun. Showers 72 degrees

Mon. Cool 65 degrees

Tues. Mild 75 degrees

Wed. Firestorms 451 degrees

Thur. No data –” ]

[ cut back to the news desk, as Bill Murray sits to Jane’s right and looks around ]

Jane Curtin: And here’s film critic Bill Murray, with a review of “The Deep” for us. Bill?

Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. Hello, everybody. And I mean that. Now, get out of here! I love you! I hope everyone had a primo summer. Yours Truly, the Party Animal, went totally insane for three months!

Say, speaking of fun, tonight I’m reviewing “The Deep”, Columbia Pictures’ summer blockbuster smash. The same guy who wrote “Jaws” — Benchley — wrote it. They gave him multo dinero to do it again. Anyway, I haven’t seen the film yet, uh — I went to the screening, they usually start late… my date was drunk, and I arrived later that usual and missed the whole thing. I asked some friends about it, and they said, “Well, you know, Jacqueline Bisset looks GREAT!” Well, you know, when I think of myself, I think of a guy who has no preconceptions… and I love that about myself, I LOve it! And, with movie tastes involved, you just can’t trust anybody. so I’m gonna screen a clip of the movie right now, and then I’ll tell you what I think. Can we roll that tape, Davey?

[ cut to footage of divers under the water ]

Of course, Nick Note, there he is. Oh, there’s Jackie. She looks terrific. They say on the set she was terrific with the animals, and look how close they get to her.

[ cut to dinner scene in the film ]

There’s Nick… and Robert Shaw…

[ cut back to Bill at the dek ]

Hmm… [ thinking ] Nick Nolte, LOSE the moustache. Okay? Lose it. Totally. I mean, who are you kidding? You look like a Denver cop. Come on. Give me one break. Please! That’s NOT the Nick Nolte that I know and I loved in “Rich Man, Poor Man”. Now don’t get me wrong and moan about it and call me up. I’m sorry, Nick, that’s the way I feel! Now, get OUT of here! I mean it!

Robert Shaw. You disturb me, Robert, you really do. I used to LOVE you, and I don’t think there’s anyone who’s more respected in the entire industry. But the accent — I mean, what are you? What are you, Scotch, English, Irish? You always sound like you’re selling Lucky Stars, or something — Irish Spring. You know, fix that up. Will you? Please? And regain my respect. Please? Thank you.

Jackie Bisset. Your time has come, girl. Your charm and body filled the entire screen. But you’ve GOT to stop doing this stuff, it doesn’t stretch you as an actress. Now, you can be a success, honey, IF you look out for Jackie Bisset. Now, come on! Don’t let any o these little-minded people try to make you what you’re not. You’re YOU! BE it! Just BE Jackie! We love Jackie! BE it!

Okay, that’s my first review of the season. You don’t like it? Well, I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. Now, get out of here! I mean it! This is Bill Murray for “Weekend Update”, throwing it over to my buddy at the sports desk — Garrett Morris. Get out of here, Garrett!

Garrett Morris: Great, Bill. Great, really great, Bill. Uh — this Thursday, Mohamed Ali defends his title against Ernie Shavers. And, although people say that Ali’s out of shape, I still pick the champ to win. Especially after this mishap this week, when Shaver’s sparring partner hit him so hard that it knocked Ernie’s brain through his helmet. Now, in figh circles, an exposed brain is considered a disadvantage.

And, uh, two weeks ago, Hank Aaron’s home run record was broken by Sadaharu Oh, a Japanese player for the Tokyo Giants. And we have a tape of that historic occasion. [ roll tape ] There’s the shot… Now, it looks like a 100-foot homer, doesn’t it? But, actually, that fence is a little over sixty feet. You see, everything is smaller over there. I’ve been over there, you know, and the bases look like little bean bags, and they use this little tiny ball, it looks almost like a golf ball. Yeah, I think the man’s gonna do the speech now — yeah. The balls are much lighter over there, too, I know that.

Sadaharu Oh: [ withtranslated SUPER ] “I’m the luckiest man on the face of the Earth. Even luckier than Lou Gehrig. Let’s face it… I’m not that great an athlete. I’m short, awkward and I’m also not a Negro. If I were playing in the United States, I’d be hitting around .203. I’m the luckiest non-Negro on Earth. Good Night.”

[ cut back to Garrett ]

Garrett Morris: And that’s the sports. Back to you, Dan.

Dan Aykroyd: Okay, Garrett. Thanks, uh — thanks a lot.

In a settlement reached this week, Jacqueline Onassis will receive $26 million from her late husband’s estate, with the following conditions: She will break all ties with the family, she will drop all further claims, and she will return Mr. Onassis’ body.

Jane Curtin: “Update” correspondent Jhon Belushi has just returned from Durango, Mexico, and he has this report for us. John?

John Belushi: Thank you, Janey. You know, every year “Weekend Update” awards a scholarship to a worthy student from another country who shows, in our opinion, promise in the field of journalism.It’s a $2,500 award, which is comprised of contributions collected from the members of our own “Weekend Update” news team. Ferreting out the proper recipient is a tough task, indeed, and this year found me south of the border in beautiful Durango, Mexico. Which is located, uhhh — about 800 miles south of El Paso.

[ show trip photo ]

Here I am. That’s a, uh — beautiful, beautiful waterfalls there.

[ next photo ]

And, uh, there is Father Chu Chu Marin, Headmaster of Durango’s School for Boys. He recommended a handful of youngsters who he deemed worthy of this scholarship. [ next photo ] There’s some of them. Who to choose. That was the hard part — until I met Carlos Santangelo.

[ reveal Carlos’ photo ]

An 18-year old student. And I immediately knew that I finally connected with the best candidate for the scholarship. Though other students had better grades and more journalistic promise than the illiterate Carlos, I chose him because I discovered that he had some connections of his own.

[ reveal photo of John and Carlos holding a bag of marijuana ]

Here I am, uh — here I am making the official presentation to award winner Carlos Santangelo.

[ cut back to John at the news desk ]

So, special considerations for next year’s award will be given to worthy students who attend school at Bogota, Columbia. Okay, Jane. I think we all benefitted from that little trip, didn’t we?

Jane Curtin: [ aghast ] I think we all did, John.

Entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr., in an effort to cut down on expenses, has gotten rid of his limosine. However, he has kept his chauffeur, shown here delivering Davis to a nightclub engagement.

Dan Aykroyd: This just in: In a daring midnight raid, the houston Police force has arrested the Philadelphia Police force.

[ the following SCROLL appears above Dan’s head as he delivers the next story: “…For Update viewers who are hard of hearing: — for the next 30 seconds there will be a test of the Emergency Broadcast System ….. We repeat, this is just a test … BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEP …. Thank you …. ” ]

Dan Aykroyd: During the Lance Hearings, Sen. Charles Percy of Illinois has been inaccurately accused of tax fraud and embezzlement. Percy later apologized, saying that anyone can make a mistake. Well, this story has JUST come in: In 1946, while in the Navy, Percy had sex with a polar bear.

Jane Curtin: Uh, wait a minute, Dan. We just had a reprot that that story is inaccurate. But we do have this, uh, from one of our sources: In 1972, Percy personally ordered the assassination of baseball player Roberto Clemente.

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, this bulletin is JUST coming in, Jane: That last story is, in fact, inaccurate, but we DO have information that in 1957, Percy ordered the assassination of a polar bear while having SEX with Roberto Clemente. [ Jane shakes her head ] More on that story, uh, when we get some of the facts. [ he looks offscreen ] Will someone check that out?

Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. I’m Jane Curtin.

Dan Aykroyd: And… Dan Aykroyd.

Jane Curtin: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presenation of Saturday Night News. Keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Royale Deluxe II

Spokesman…..Dan Aykroyd

Spokesman: Introducing the 1978 Royal Deluxe II. A luxury nameand a luxury ride at a middle-range price? Impossible? We’ve come to Temple Beth Shalom in Little Neck, New York, and asked Rabbi Mayer Taklas to circumcise 8-day-old Benjamin Kanter while riding in the back seat of the elegant Royal Deluxe II.

Performing circumcision is demanding. It requires a sure handand a steady cutting surface. [ the car takes off ] To show you that our ride is the finest, sweetest in the world, we’ve deliberately picked this road because of its rough, uneven surface. This was an actual demonstration. Speed: 40 MPH.

The stylish Royal Deluxe II rides smooth because we built it right! [ the car drives over potholes ] Unique hydrodine suspension system, rack and pinion steering to ensure outstanding durability and control. And every new stylish Royal Deluxe II offers, as standard equipment, power front disc brakes.

[ a toy ball bounces into the street, as the car brakes sharply and we hear the baby cry after the Rabbi makes his final snip ]

Rabbi: Poifect!

Spokesman: You may never have to perform a circumcision in the Royal Deluxe II, but if you do, we’re sure you’ll agree with Rabbi Taklas..

Rabbi: That’s a beautiful baby.. and a beautiful car!

Announcer: Royal Deluxe II. A beautiful car.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Great Moments In Rock & Roll

Alice Sloan…..Laraine Newman
Roy Orbison…..John Belushi
Manager…..Bill Murray
Bandleader…..Howard Shore

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Alice Sloan sitting cross-legged in chair ]

Alice Sloan: Hi! I’m Alice Sloan, and this is “Great Moments In Rock”. I’m so freaked out about doing this show, I mean… my whole life has been Rock! God, I hope I can get this out before those ‘ludes kck on. I mean, I was never really a groupie or anything, but I did grow up in Los Angeles and got to know about two or three-thousand musicians personally. One rock stare that I especially remember was the man who wore these shades: [ she holds up Roy Orbison’s sunglasses on a plaque ] Roy Orbison. Of course, when you say “Roy Orbison”, everybody thinks of two things: he always stood perfectly still when he sang, and he always wore these dark glasses. It was in 1964, and I was ready to do ANYTHING to get those shades. We got really close one night in L.A., and I think it must have freaked Roy out a LOT, because, the next thing I knew, he was in Memphis.

[ the screen separates to find Roy Orbison standing on a Memphis stage with his manager ]

Manager: Roy. Roy, I gotta talk to you, boy. Now, as your manager, I’ve given you good advice on at least two occasions. Now, it was my idea for you to be a wooden man, you know stand perfectly still while you sing, right?

Roy Orbison: That’s right!

Manager: And who came up with the concept of you always wearing the dark glasses?

Roy Orbison: Well, I guess it was mainly your idea.

Manager: Right. Well, I’m gonna give you one more piece of advice: DUMP that new girlfriend of yours. She’s in the dressing room, she’s making a real mess, got plaster casts ALL over the place, it’s a mess! Get rid of her.

Roy Orbison: Well, I’ll talk to her, but she’s… such a pretty woman. I hate to make her cry. I —

[ Alice approaches Roy ]

Alice Sloan: Ro-oy! What happened to you yesterday? I woke up, and you were go-one!

Roy Orbison: Oh… I didn’t want to wake you up.

Alice Sloan: Well, I mean, you left a note, and I don’t understand it. It says: “One quart milk… Hostess Ho-Hos… and quail! I mean, you didn’t say you were going to Memphis!

Roy Orbison: Oh, I — I forgot.

Alice Sloan: [ sullenly ] You know, we’ve been together for a week now, and I feel as though I hardly know you. I mean, all I know is two things: you stand perfectly still when you sing, and you always wear dark glasses.

Roy Orbison: Well, baby… I’d love to tell you mroe about myself, but… right now, I’ve gotta rehearse this number — a song I wrote for you. But, look, I want you to run along now, and I’ll meet you at the motel.

Alice Sloan: Well, Roy, I — how do I know you’ll be there?

Roy Orbison: Baby, there’s TWO things you know about Roy Orbison: #1. that he stands perfectly still when he sings, and #2. he always wears his shades!

Alice Sloan: Oh.

Roy Orbison: Now, baby! I’m a-giving these shades… to you. [ he removes his shades, and squints from the lights ]

Alice Sloan: [ freaking out ] Oh, Roy! I don’t what to sa-ay! I mean, you have NO idea what this means to me!

Roy Orbison: My own personal shades, baby.

Alice Sloan: Oh, God! It’s a MIND BLOWER!!

Roy Orbison: [ squinting ] Hey, baby… you take those shades… I’ll see you tomorrow, baby.

Alice Sloan: Okay, Roy! Thank you!

[ Alice exits, as Roy steps to the back of the stage and dons a replacement pair of sunglasses ]

Bandleader: Okay, Roy. You want to take it from the top.

Roy Orbison: Okay.

Bandleader: Alright, you ready?

Roy Orbison: Okay. From the top!

[ the backing band breaks into “Pretty Woman”, as Roy moves stiffly about the stage with his guitar in position ]

Roy Orbison: [ singing ]
“Pretty Woman!
Walking down the street.
Pretty Woman!
The kind I’d like to meet.
Pretty Woman.
I don’t believe you, you’re not the truth
No one could look as good as you.

Mercy!

Pretty Woman, stop a while
Pretty Woman, talk a while
Pretty Woman, give your smile to meeeeeee!

Pretty Woman, yeah, yeah, yeah
Pretty Woman, look my way
Pretty Woman, say you’ll stay with meeeeeee!”

[ Roy removes his shades, only to reveal another pair beneath ]

“‘Cause I need you
I’ll treat you right
Come to me, baby
Be mine toniiiii-hiiii-hiiiight!”

[ remaining stiff as a board, Roy falls over backwards on the high note ]

[ Roy’s manager jumps in, grabs the microphone and thrusts it toward Roy, who is lying flat on his back and still performing ]

Roy Orbison: [ singing ]
“Pretty Woman!
Don’t walk on by.
Pretty Woman!
Don’t make me cry.
Pretty Woman.”

[ Roy struggles to get to his feet, aided by his manager who lifts him back in place without Roy’s moving a muscle ]

“– must be okay.
I guess I’ll go on home, it’s late.
Maybe tomorrow night, but wait.”

[ Roy glances stage right ]

“What do I see-ee-ee?
Is she walking back to meeeeee..?”

[ Roy nearly falls backwards again, but his manager jumps in and holds him up ]

Roy Orbison: [ singing ]
Yeeaaaahhh…
She’s walking back to me.
O-o-o-o-o-ohhhhh….”

[ despite the manager’s efforts, Roy falls stiffly sideways and crashes to the floor on his stomach ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: [ singing ]
“Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!

Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!

Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them.. pearly white!

Oh, the shark bites
with its teeth, yeah!
And it keeps them — hit it, boys! — outta sight!”

[ Steve stops singing, turns to look at the band ]

You guys stuck-up or something?

Well, good evening! [ the band drops a note ] That’s okay! Hey – welcome to “Saturday Night”. I know what you’re saying, you’re saying, “Hey! Wait a minute. Steve’s wearing loafers. No laces on his shoes” [ breaks into song ] “Born to be wi-i-i-ild!”

I know a lot of you people are sitting out there saying to yourselves, “Steve – you’re a rambling guy. Is it tough for you, traveling from town to town, staying in different hotels every night, all alone, not with your friends?” Well, I’ve kind of worked that out now, I’ve got a whole new policy. Like, I came into New York early this morning, bought a house. Met a cute gal, got married. We had a little baby, another one on the way. Tomorrow: wake up, have a home-cooked meal, sell the house, get a divorce, and get on to the next town. So, this is what Steve is doing now.

So, I have a comedy album out now, called “Let’s Get Small”. And the only reason I mention that is I’ll be doing some television to promote it, you can kind of keep a lookout for it. I’ll be doing “Bowling For Dollars” next week – it’s a good show, my agent says it’s a good show. And we’ve got “Crosswits” coming up.. “Liars Club” – and, it’s easy for me to get on all these shows now, because I did so well on “Celebrity Cokeheads”. Excuse me.. boy oh boy, are my lips chapped! [ applies chapstick, then pretends to inhale it ]

Boy oh boy, I am so mad at Farrah Fawcett-Majors. She is so conceited. She has never called me once And after the hours I’ve spent holding up her poster with one hand! Geez!

Okay! Hey, does anybody know where I can get some cat handcuffs? I’ve gotta get a pair of cat handcuffs. Either two little ones like this, to go around the little paws.. or a big one that hooks onto my arm and then hooks onto the cat. I found out my cat was embezzling from me, so I’ve gotta get a little pair.. of cat handcuffs, so.. Well, I found out that when I’m away, he goes to the mailbox, picks up the checks, take them down to the bank and cashes them. The way I caught him, I went out to his little house, where he sleeps at night, and there was like $3,000 worth of cat toys out there. And you can’t return them, because they have spit all over them.. I don’t know where he is now, I guess he went out to Catalina, or something like that, I don’t know.. [ audience groans slightly ] No. He bought a catamaran, and went out.. [ audience groans again ] No, he got it out of a catalog.. [ groans ] This is a catastrophe! Hey, just remember – comedy is not pretty!

Alright, folks, we’ve got a great show tonight – we have Jackson Browne and his band. A great new comedy team – Franken & Davis! And we’ll be back right after this message!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer

Judge…..John Belushi
Mike McMack…..Steve Martin
Miss Kazursky…..Gilda Radner
Prosecutor…..Bill Murray
Rapist…..Garrett Morris

[ open on courtroom drama scene ]

Judge: [ banging gavel ] Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please! One more outburst like that, and I’ll have this courtroom waived! Begin again, Counselor.

Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, you were telling the court that my client, who has no previous record of sex offenses, walked up two flights of stairs, picked out your apartment, lured you into opening the door, and then forcibly raped you?!

Miss Kazursky: Yes!

Announcer: And now it’s time for another law adventure with “Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer”.

Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, what were you wearing when you opened that door?

Miss Kazursky: My flannel nightgown.

Mike McMack: Ah. And what were you doing in a flannel nightie.. at four in the afternoon?

Miss Kazursky: Well, I-I was taking a bath.. and I heard a knock at the door.

Mike McMack: Ah. I see. You hear a knock at the door. So you stand up, stark-naked, the water and soap suds glistening on your supple breasts. Quickly, you rub yourself with a towel, then dance across the room, your nipples hardening in the breeze. Slipping on a soft, flimsy negligee, you run to the door and open it in anticipation! Is that correct!

Miss Kazursky: [ shocked ] Wha.. what..? Sort of.. I-I-I-

Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, is it not true, that in 1971, you were.. divorced?

Miss Kazursky: [ stammering ] Yeah! But-but I don’t see what that has anything to do with-

Mike McMack: Now, Miss Kazursky, remember you are under oath. In the last six years, have you had.. sex?

Miss Kazursky: Well, I-I-I’m 35 years old-

Mike McMack: Just answer the question, yes or no!!

Miss Kazursky: Y-yes..

Mike McMack: How many times, Miss Kazursky?

Miss Kazursky: Well, uh.. uh..

Objection! Your Honor, Mr. McMack is pursuing an irrelevant line of questioning!

Mike McMack: Your Honor, what my distinguished colleague does not understand is that.. [ rubs Judge’s head ] ..what I am trying to do is establish, in a logical, coherent manner, that the witness is a cheap tart!

Miss Kazursky: [ crying ]

Prosecutor: Objection!

Judge: Overruled.

Prosecutor: Awww!

Mike McMack: [ chuckles with delight ] Now, Miss Kazurksy, how many times did you have sex between 1971 and last night?

Miss Kazursky: Thirty-eight!

[ courtroom murmurs ]

Mike McMack: Thir-ty-eight. Gentlemen of the jury – 38. not.. five.. not sev-en! Thir-ty-eight. And did you bring these men to your apartment.

Miss Kazursky: It wasn’t 38 men, it was 38 times!

Mike McMack: Just answer the question yes or no! did you bring these men to your apartment!

Miss Kazursky: Well.. yes!

Mike McMack: Miss Kazursky, in 1965, were you involved in a civil rights organization?

Prosecutor: Ob-ject-ion!

Judge: Overruled.

Prosecutor: Oh, come on!

Mike McMack: [ chuckles heartily ] And why did you work there?

Miss Kazursky: I wanted to help blacks register.

Mike McMack: You wanted to help the black man!

Miss Kazursky: I wanted to help-

Mike McMack: And that’s exactly what went through your mind as you opened the door in that flimsy negligee!!

Miss Kazursky: [ crying ] No! No!

Mike McMack: I have no further questions, your Honor, no more!!

Judge: [ banging gavel ] Order! Order, gentlemen!

Prosecutor: Your Honor, the witness is too emotionally disturbed to continue, may I move for a recess! Please!

Judge: Okay, court will recess until tomorrow morning at 9 am. [exits courtroom ]

Mike McMack: Good night, Tom. See you later.

Prosecutor: [ approaches his client at the stand ] Miss Kazursky, I’m sorry that you were made to feel as if you were on trial here, instead of that.. that rapist. Oh, well, get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?

[ Prosecutor approaches McMack ]

Prosecutor: McMack! Great job.

Mike McMack: Thanks.

Prosecutor: You made me look like an amateur out there!

Mike McMack: Part of my job.

Prosecutor: And the way you turned the race thing around, to make her look like the bad guy. That was brilliant! I tell you, Mike, I’d give anything to beat you just once!

Mike McMack: Hey – maybe when I get a client who isn’t guilty!

[ they laugh ]

[ McMack walks over to Miss Kazursky, who’s still bawling her eyes out at the stand ]

Mike McMack: Hey, what are you doing tonight? [ no response ] You’re not still mad about this trial thing, are you? Come on, it’s the way I make a buck! Come on, let me take you out for a big steak, what do you say?

Miss Kazursky: How can you talk to me that way? You put me on trial here, when I’m innocent! You humiliate me, and you let that man go free when he raped me! Is that what you learned in Law School?!!

[ Miss Kazursky exits the courtroom, leaving McMack alone with his thoughts ]

Mike McMack: Gee.. maybe she’s right. Maybe I got off the track somewhere along the line, in the pursuit of a buck. Maybe I.. lost sight of my ideals. [ thinks ] Naaaaahhhhh!

Announcer: Be sure to join us next week, when McMack takes on a case for Evil Knievel, in.. “Mike McMack: Defense Lawyer”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

National Express Card

Bert Lance…..John Belushi
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd

[ SUPER: “An Oval Office” ]

President Jimmy Carter: You’re.. you’re my best friend. I’m gonna miss you. You know, in a way, I feel like it’s my fault you had to resign, because.. I set examples that were impossible to live with – even for someone who’s just the slightest bit corrupt. I mean, you certainly did nothing illegal. And probably nothing.. unethical. And only a few things that were really sleazy. Bert, I’m proud of you. I’m gonna miss you. [ cries, hugs Bert ] I hope you can iron out your financial difficulties when you get back to Calhoun.

[ Bert Lance turns toward the camera ]

Bert Lance: Do you remember me? I’m Bert Lance. I used to be Director of the Office of Managing the Budget. But still, a lot of people don’t recognize my face. That’s why I carry this. [ holds up card ] The National Express Card. The most honored credit card the world over. With it, I can borrow hundreds of thousands without paying interest. Whether it’s throwing a prty, financing a political campaign, or just putting up collateral for another loan. National Express gives me the credibility I need. Maybe my old friend Jimmy Carter doesn’t need one, but you and I do. The National Express Card – don’t leave office without it!

[ show image of card, with name “Bert Lance” typing across it ]

President Jimmy Carter: Well, there’s, uh, nothing else left to say.. except.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts