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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


May 21st, 1977

Buck Henry

Jennifer Warnes

Kenny Vance

None

Bella Abzug

Chevy Chase

Edie Baskin

Anne Beatts

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Rosie Shuster

Jim Downey

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Schiller

Paul Shaffer

Howard Shore

Alan Zweibel
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) uses electricity to deliver his energy-saving message.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Rosalyn Carter, Lillian Carter.

Transcript

Montage

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: Buck Henry plans to perform a live sex act with an audience member.

Transcript

Samurai B.M.O.C.Summary: Futaba (John Belushi) faces disciplinary actions as a result of his bad grades.

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Transcript

Jennifer Warnes performs “Right Time of the Night”

Shower MikeSummary: From the comfort of his own shower, Richard Herkiman (Bill Murray) interviews his wife (Gilda Radner) and her lover (Buck Henry).

Recurring Characters: Richard Herkiman, Jane Herkiman.

Transcript

Return of the ConeheadsSummary: After receiving a strange message from their home planet, the Coneheads fly the Chrysler Building back to Remulak to await new orders.

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead, Kuldroth.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Seattle Slew’s jockey (Chevy Chase) mumbles his way through the Preakness. Emily Litella reports as Congresswoman Bella Abzug throws her “cat” into the ring. Buck Henry hopes to get laid by Jane Curtin by presenting hr with a phony achievement plaque.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Rhonda Weiss’ Bridal ShowerSummary: Rhonda Weiss (Gilda Radner) receives shower gifts from her friends.

Recurring Characters: Rhonda Weiss, Barbara.

Transcript

How Your Children GrowSummary: Jane Curtin succumbs to the behavioral patterns of a punctuator patient (Gilda Radner) and a dumbo (Laraine Newman) who keeps ringing a bell.

Transcript

The Alarm ClockSummary: In a film by William Wegman, an alarm clock wake ups his weimaraner Man Ray.

Kenny Vance performs “The Performer”

The Spirit of St. LouisSummary: Charles Lindbergh (Buck Henry) meets the Land Shark (Chevy Chase) during his cross-Atlantic flight to Paris.

Recurring Characters: Land Shark.

Transcript

Howard Shore & SNL Band perform “Departure Lounge”

Michael O’DonoghueSummary: Michael O’Donoghue leads a grand impression of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. gouging their eyes out long with steel needles.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Video Vixens

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Howard Shore

… Shelley Duvall
… Laraine Newman
… Gilda Radner
… Jane Curtin

[In slinky black and gold outfits, host Shelley Duvalland the three female cast members stand at Home Basein front of a glittering curtain. Jane and Larainecarry electric guitars. They are lined up behind fourmicrophones on the stage with their arms raised andtheir backs to the audience. The SNL Band is playingthe opening theme.]

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, the VideoVixens!

[The opening theme ends. The band launches into thesong “Video Vixens.” SUPER: Video Vixens. A flash oflight, a puff of smoke, and the women turn to face theaudience, hollering things like, “Hey, rock ‘n’ roll!”Throughout the number, they pose as sluttily andprovocatively as possible and sing:]

Vixens: [singing]
They call us joke junkies
And punch line punks
And when we hear them talkin’
We get in coast to coast funks
But they can just say what they want
‘Cause we remember sticks ‘n’
Stones can’t break the bones
Of a Video Vixen

Gilda Radner: Hey! Hey!

[Jane and Laraine throw away their electricguitars.]

Vixens: [singing]
We’re Video Vixens
And this is how we get our licks in
Every week for an hour and a half
All we want to do is make – you –

Gilda Radner: Laugh hard-duh!

Vixens: [faking orgasms] Uh uh uh!

Jane Curtin: Harder!

Vixens: Uh uh uh!

Shelley Duvall: Harder!

Vixens: Uh uh uh!

Laraine Newman: Harderrrrrr!

Vixens: Uh uh uh!
[singing]
When we come on to your screen
It makes us feel just like a queen
All we wanna do once a week
Is to put our tongue in your cheek

Gilda Radner: Baba Wawa makes you feel sogood

Jane Curtin: “Update” makes you happy like Iknew it would

Shelley Duvall: And, as your host, you’llfind me, oh, so nice!

Laraine Newman: When I’m Sherry, you justwant me to do it twice
[shouts]
And the only way we really like it is with fortymillion people watching!

Vixens: [singing]
We’re Video Vixens
And this is how we get our licks in
You turn us on every week, it’s true
That’s why our ratings don’t go down onyou

Jane Curtin: Go down on you!

Gilda Radner: Go down on you!

Shelley Duvall: Go down on you!

Laraine Newman: Go down on you!

Gilda Radner: [imitates Steve Martin] Well,excuuuuuuse me!

Vixens: [chanting]
We ain’t afraid of no one in prime time and theybetter beware
We’d take on Rhoda, Phyllis, or Laverne and Shirley,we swear
Why, if they ever tread on our turf, we’d tear outtheir hair
And that goes twice for Cher!
And after “Victory at Entebbe” we were waitin’ fordays
To beat the livin’ daylights out o’ Helen Hayes!
Helen Hayes! Helen Hayes!
[singing]
We’re media minxes
You know we’re show biz sphinxes
We’re late night lynxes
Our favorite trucks are Brinkses
We’re transfixin’ hicks in the sticks
Not to mention Harrys, Toms and Dicks
We’re Video Vixens
We’re not Jeane Dixon
No dirty tricks ‘n’
Richard Nixon

Gilda and Laraine: We’re Jewishgirls

Jane and Shelley: And we’reshiksens

Vixens: [singing]
But mostly we’re just
Videoooooooo Vixens
[shouting]
Get it – unh!

[Applause as the women march in a circle onstagehollering things like “Rock ‘n’ roll!” beforereturning to the mikes as the song ends. Theybow.]

Shelley Duvall: Yeah! Rock ‘n’ roll! Rock ‘n’roll! Whooo! All right, all right. We’ll be right backafter this message, honey.

[The music returns as the woman dance offstage.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Van Arguments

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Wife…..Shelley Duvall
Husband…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Husband and Wife making their way down the cafeteria food line ]

Wife: Does it look like I’ve been cryin’, or does it look like an eye irritation?

Husband: I don’t know, man.

Wife: I hope to God it looks like an eye irritation! The whole world don’t have to know I just bin cryin’ in the K-mart!

Husband: Knock it off, man!

Wife: Standin’ in the checkout line, with tears runnin’ down my cheeks because my husband will not allow me to buy the original soundtrack album of “A Star is Born”! With Barbra Streisand, my world’s most meaningful actress!

Husband: You know what? I HATE Barbra Streisand! She’s got the hair of a lunatic!

Wife: Can’t buy the album ’cause certain people need the $6.49 plus tax they are saving for a bubble window for their van, which they must have in time for Van-o-Rama!

Husband: [ points his finger in her face ] You lay off ME! But, first, you lay off my VAN! Okay?!

Wife: The van! The van! Huh. Custom paint job, orange nylon pile of carpet on the floor, the walls, the ceiling, hot pink crushed velvet curtains, the CB panel all covered in pinkand orange shag carpet, and a fake fur bedspread! You got better stuff in that van than we got in our house! That van look like the King of the World’s home, that’s what!

Husband: Don’t give me none of that King of the World stuff! The King of the World don’t install his own air-conditioning! Now that van was a Chevy, and it came WITHOUT air-conditioning factory air, so I installed it myself! Remember?! I installed it myself!

Wife: I remember. ‘Til six o’clock in the morning, the night “Earthquake, part 1” was on TV! I’m watching the WORKD shake apart, you’re installin’ AIR! I’m asleep, you’re installin’ air! I’m fryin’ up breakfast strips, you’re installin’ air!

Husband: Well, who wouldn’t like to install air? Okay? Who wouldn’t like it? I LIKE installing air! I LOVE it! You get to use TWELVE different wrenches!

Wife: Twelve different wrenches. Isn’t that some big news! Like findin’ out in the Enquirer how different movie stars like their steak!

Husband: Alright, just lay off, okay? Let’s just eat here — I gotta go home, I gotta nail some more, uh, studs into the plush chamber!

Wife: I hate that name!

Husband: It’s not something you can hate, or like, or agree, or disagree with! It’s just the name of a certain area in the van! You know? I mean, like, it’s the name of the area except for the BED area, that’s it! It’s a plush chamber! And it’s called a plush chamber because it IS a plush… chamber!

[ they stand silently for a moment, ignoring each other’s gaze to stare toward the food server ]

Husband: A rare and a rare.

Wife: You know, that was the best movie I’ve seen in six months? It was very tender. You know, the kind where you’re in the audience but you keep wishing you were the one… in love with the girl, uh — the man on the screen, you know? I get off on tenderness.

Husband: [ ignoring her ] It’s decided. I’m gonna do the exterior, custom painting, in red-white pearl eyes, and, uh, red, white, and blue — I’m gonna call the whole thing “New Glory”. Like, you know, like, the flag is “Old Glory”, I’m gonna call this “New Glory”. Because, like, it’s a ’76 Chevy, you know, and it’s new, it’s gonna be called “New Glory”. And, if I have the right paint, I’m gonna put, like, grain, you know? Like a wheat field, you know, with purple mountains in the background on the side. Yeah! It’ll be really nice. What do you think?

Wife: I don’t think I’ll be expressin’ opinions, so nobody can say I was… gettin’ on ’em!

Husband: [ disgusted ] Nobody’s gonna say anything! I’m just asking for an opinion; I just want an attitude, that’s all!

Wife: Huh? Alright. Well, I think it STINKS!

Husband: GET OFF ME, WILLYA?!!

Wife: And here’s what else stinks: the simulated wood plaque with a simulated carving of a naked girl with your astrological sign branded on her belly, that you got hid behind the sun visor above th left windshield!

Husband: How’d you know about that?

Wife: I seen it last week when you went to get yuor sunglasses. And I’ll tellyou one mroe thing: I don’t think the leopard headdress on the driver’s seat makes it look ANYTHING a throne!

Husband: [ glumly ] You said you did…

Wife: Well, I was lyin’! Oh… and one more thing, in case you’re interested: I’m the one who wrote “WASH ME!” with their finger in the dust on the back door.

Husband: You know you’re crazy?! You’re TURNIN’ on me right now! Here, we go out to see the Barbra Streisand movie, we go to K-Mart to pick up cottonballs in between, we come out for a STEAK dinner, and then NOW, when it’s too late, when the movie’s bought, paid for, and seen, you TURN on me!!

Wife: Because I’m tired of our life! And, between us, bleieve me, we only got one life left — YOURS! And I am TIRED of watchin’ you bolt beverage caddies to the front console… tired of waitin’ up for you, ’til you’re done installin’ color bars that pulsate in time with the music over the bed… tired of watchin’ you jewel the steerin’ wheel… not leavin’ time to see any but ONE movie in six months, or money to buy the original soundtrack album! In the name of my life, movies and original soundtrack albums, I am FINALLY speakin’ out!

Husband: Well, you just remember ONE… THING! Okay? [ he pats her belly ] I got you that way IN the plush chamber!

Wife: I know.

Husband: And, to tell you the truth — we were watching Lawrence Welk, you know, in the TV plugged in on the car port? Well, while I was PUTTING IT to you, I imagined I was PUTTING IT to ALL FOUR of the Lennon Sisters at once!

Wife: Ohhh, alright. Well, let me tell YOU: if this baby’s a girl, I would like its FIRST name to be Barbra, and its MIDDLE name to be Streisand. And I am gonna see that it IS, because I am gonna tell them, in the hospital, in the delivery room, before you can get to them, while thye are writin’ out the birth certificate: Barbra… Streisand… JOHNSON!! [ he sighs ] Huh! And they will be NOTHIN’ you can do about it but live with a daughter named for a person with lunatic hair!

Husband: Okay. Look, man… YOU… and Barbra Streisand… and ALL your friends put together don’t understand ONE thing!! A VAN is a HOUSE on WHEELS!! Okay?! And it’s got a lot more FURthan any HOUSE we’ve ever HAD, okay?! And it GOES where you want!! You get a FUR-COVERED HOUSE!! It may not be REAL fur, but, let’s face it, the only person that can buy REAL fur is a MILLIONAIRE! Okay?! It’s a fur house! It goes without saying it’s not real fur, BUT… that plush chamber is the closest THING… that I’m gonna have, in this or any other lifetime, to a moveable FUR HOUSE!! Do you get that?! Do you understand that?!

Wife: Yeah, I understand! [ a beat ] You gonna eat your salad?

Husband: Yeah, yeah. Here. [ he hands it to her ] You can have it, I don’t want it.

Wife: Thanks. [ they continue down the line ] It’s from your father. You won’t admit it is, but it is. The man who said salad was invented by Communists, and you’re the one who told me he said it. So don’t try to get out of it now! He said it in the ’50’s, when people only ate salad in the summer, and it wasn’t a hot meal, and your father always WANTED a hot meal, so he told your mother salad was invented by the Communists and you believed him until this very day!

Husband: Wrong!

Wife: You can turn into your father any time now, if you don’t watch out. Already, every night, you sit in your chair with a joint instead of a beer can. Already, you got a yellow mechanical pencil you don’t never lose. And already, you’re ignorin’ your wife.

Husband: [ giving in ] I’ll buy you that album. Okay? [ he sighs heavily ]

Wife: Alright. And, if it’s a girl, it’s Tammy.

Husband: And that time with the Lennon Sisters? It might have been another night. [ they finally approach the cashier ] A rare and a rare… two juices… a salad… two coffees. And a pudding.

[ camera pans upward into the audience, zoom slowly upon a woman with SUPER: “Hyperpassive” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

… Jane Curtin
Voice of Duane Bobick … Tom Davis
Voice of Emily Litella … Gilda Radner

[Sound of teletype clicking. Jane Curtin sits at theWU desk talking on the phone.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now — Weekend Update withJane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [casually, into the phone,discussing former cast member Chevy Chase who is inthe audience for tonight’s show] Oh, come on, give mea break. I mean, so the guy has his special — doesthat make him a star? Okay, yeah, granted the ratingswere good but he followed Richard Pryor!Richard Pryor’s wonderful! Who’s gonna get upand turn the TV off when they’re laughing? Oh, did yousee him on the Carson show? I have to admit, I lovedhim on that. My – my – my favorite part was when heasked his wife to stand up in the audience — it wasjust like Steve Allen and Jane Meadows. … [sees thecamera is on] Oh, I – I gotta go. Bye. [hangs up,adopts her no-nonsense newswoman persona] Our topstory tonight:

In a spectacular coup, the National BroadcastingCompany has signed heavyweight boxer Duane Bobick toan exclusive five year contract as a networkpersonality. Beating out the other networks, thecontract was signed just seconds before Bobick steppedinto the ring with Ken Norton. Asked to comment,Bobick said, quote: [Jane points to her throat and,with wide eyes, does a garbled Donald Duck imitation]…

TV personality David Frost, inspired by the success ofhis Nixon interviews, has announced plans to interviewformer presidents Johnson, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Trumanand Roosevelt. … Answering comments that the planseemed preposterous, Frost said, “If people believeNixon, they’ll believe anything.” …[applause]

[Photo of a wide-eyed Jimmy Carter which draws a laughfrom the crowd] While in London for last week’s summitmeeting, President Carter recommended that one of hisfavorite poets, Dylan Thomas, be removed from hisgrave in Wales and enshrined in historic WestminsterAbbey. Carter also requested that another of hisfavorite poets, Rod McKuen, be buried in the Abbeyimmediately. …

Patty Hearst, shown here relaxing on the lawn at SanSimeon, was placed on five years’ probation for herarmed robbery and assault charge and ordered to paysix thousand dollars in property damage. Despiterumors of romance, Miss Hearst says she has no plans,commenting, “I don’t want to marry and settle downbefore I’ve had a little excitement in my life.”…

Sixty-four year old cowboy Roy Rogers stated this weekthat when he dies, he would like to be stuffed andmounted on top of Trigger, his dead horse, who is alsostuffed and mounted. When asked to comment on this,Dale Evans, Roy’s affectionate wife, said that she,too, would like to be stuffed and mounted but notnecessarily in that order. … [applause]

[Photo of Mount Rushmore] A film expert claimed thisweek that there is a fifth face on the nationalmonument Mount Rushmore. Larger and more subtlydefined than the four presidents’ faces, it isbelieved to be the profile of comedian David Brenner.[Doctored photo of Mount Rushmore with an outline ofDavid Brenner’s head superimposed.] …

[Photo of golfer Jack Nicklaus in mid-stroke, standingin a sand trap] In sports, Jack Nicklaus won the thirdannual Quaker Oats Invitational. He is shown hereclinching victory by blasting out of an oatmeal trapdirectly into an egg cup. …

[Doctored photo of Watergate figures John Mitchell,John E. Ehrlichman and H. R. “Bob” Haldeman wearingMickey Mouse ears] Well, Watergate cover-upco-conspirators John Mitchell, John E. Ehrlichman and”Cubby” Haldeman have been signed as Mouseketeers onthe Mickey Mouse Club TV series. When asked to commenton this unusual move, the three defendants said inunison: “Why? Because we like you!” …

[Photo of what appears to be a Japanese man with astick standing above a Japanese woman who is neck deepin water.] Still to come: Japanese ceremonialwife-drowning after this message.

[Applause as we go to commercial.]

[A bell rings and once again we are watching theentire fifty-eight second video of the KenNorton-Duane Bobick fight. The fight — betweenNorton, a black man in blue trunks, and Bobick, awhite man in tan trunks — unfolds withoutinterruption under the following voice overs:]

Duane Bobick V/O: You are about to witness acrime. Hello, this is Duane Bobick. According tostatistics, every fifty-eight seconds a white man isbrutally beaten by a black man. … This is notnecessarily the fault of the black man becauseenvironmental and societal conditions sometimes leavehim no choice. That’s where the Black EducationalConference comes in. They have shown thousands ofblack men that they do not have to resort to violenceto prove their masculinity. They’ve shown blacks howto find rich, fulfilling and non-aggressive careers inthe fields of computer technology, businessadministration and dentistry, that there aresatisfactions in life other than beating up on whitey…. [Norton is beating the crap out of Bobick] Theysuffered for four hundred years and we’re sorry aboutit. I’ve seen “Roots” and so have you. Let’s give thema chance to use their minds. [Norton knocks Bobickdown] Remember, a better-educated black man is aweaker opponent. Show them how sorry we are. Help theblack man gain respect for themselves. I know Ihave.

Don Pardo V/O: Send money to Black EducationalConference, Box 58, New York. And, remember, abetter-educated black man is a weakeropponent.

[The referee ends the fight. Applause as we return toJane at the WU desk.]

Jane Curtin: The makers of the Mr. Coffeeappliance revealed this week that over a half millionof the machines have a defect which may cause a shortcircuit resulting in fire. Our Update consumerdepartment reports that the Mr. Coffee manufacturerdoes not plan to recall the dangerous units — [Photoof smiling Mr. Coffee spokesman Joe DiMaggio holding afire extinguisher] — but will introduce a newproduct, Mr. Fire Extinguisher. …

[Doctored photo of Jimmy Carter with sticks ofdynamite] In a surprise move this week, PresidentJimmy Carter strapped three sticks of dynamite to hisbody and made himself into a human bomb. …Addressing Congress, Carter threatened to explodehimself unless one of the senior members of the Houseoffered to date his aging mother Lillian. …

Jane Curtin: And now, with tonight’scommentary, is Emily Litella. [applause as we pullback to include an empty chair next to Jane -irritated, Jane loses her composure] I knew this wasgoing to happen. Where the hell is she? … [Janepicks up the phone and dials as she mutters toherself] For God’s sakes. Irresponsible, annoyingwoman. God knows she’s no longer funny. … [phonerings]

Voice of Emily Litella: Hello. This is EmilyLitella. I’m not home right now. But I will call youback as soon as possible. Just leave your name,number, and what time you called, after you hear thesound of the jeep. … [a beep sounds]

Jane Curtin: Emily, that’s beep, not jeep. Ajeep is an army vehicle, a jeep is a tone. You shouldknow that if you were in television. Beep, not jeep![ready to hang up]

Voice of Emily Litella: Ohhhhhhh … nevermind.

Jane Curtin: [startled to hear Emily respond,then ticked off] Stupid woman.

Voice of Emily Litella: Bitch. …

[Applause as Jane hangs up and stares at the phonemoodily.]

Jane Curtin: [as nicely as possible] That’s ournews for tonight. Good night and have a pleasanttomorrow.

[Applause as Jane gives the phone a dirty look,muttering something under her breath. Pull back andfade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

I Am Ricardo Montalban!

Jane … Gilda Radner
Jean … Shelly Duvall
Ricardo Montalban … Dan Aykroyd
Fernando Lamas … Bill Murray
Cesar Romero … John Belushi
Joan … Laraine Newman
1st Italian Man … Tom Schiller
1st Woman … Rosie Shuster
2nd Woman … Anne Beatts
3rd Woman … Marilyn Miller
Piano Player … Paul Shaffer
Man in Tuxedo … Al Franken
Bartender … Alan Zweibel
Extra … Garrett Morris

[High, wide shot of the set depicting a fancyrestaurant. Cameras, lights, mikes and crew membersare visible. Piano music plays throughout the sketchas we dissolve down to the set where a male extra in atuxedo escorts a female extra past several tables. Atone table sit three Latino men, identically dressed inwhite suits and pink shirts with wide lapels. At anadjacent table, we find two white women, Jane andJean, in slinky black outfits, smokingcigarettes.]

Jane: Jean, they should have been here by now.I just know they’re not gonna show.

Jean: Well, Joan went to call.

Jane: I wish we could meet some different kindo’ guys for a change. I mean, somethin’ like thoseContinental type over there. [indicates the threeLatino men at the next table]

Jean: Oh, I know. All we ever date are the sameall-American hamburgers.

Jane: Right.

Jean: Why don’t we ever meet any uncircumcisedguys?

[One of the Continental types rises and approachesJane and Jean. Like his male companions, he speakswith an accent, sounding rather like the actor RicardoMontalban.]

Ricardo Montalban: Good evening, lovely,lovely, lovely ladies. Me and my companions, here atthe next table, were having a little argument and wewere wondering if perhaps you couldn’t help settle itfor us.

Jane: Well, sure, if we can.

Jean: Shoot.

Ricardo Montalban: You see, I am RicardoMontalban.

[His two companions rise up in protest and join him atthe ladies’ table.]

Fernando Lamas: No, no, no! You have it wrong!

Cesar Romero: I am Ricardo Montalban!

Ricardo Montalban: [to the ladies] Well, atleast, I think I am Ricardo Montalban. Andthese two gentlemen are Fernando Lamas and CesarRomero — although, we are a little confused about whois who.

Cesar Romero: Ay, excuse us, uh, lovely, lovelyladies, but this is very embarrassing. We don’t knowwho is who.

Ricardo Montalban: You see, we have beenchumming around Hollywood for so long together –Ricardo, Fernando and Cesar — the best of friends, wedo everything together, we eat together, drinktogether, sleep over at each other’s Hollywood homes.Ha! Sometimes Cesar and I sleep at Fernando’s,sometimes Cesar and Fernando sleep at Ricardo’s houseand–

Jean: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait aminute. You said you were Ricardo.

Ricardo Montalban: [laughs] Ah ha haha!

Fernando Lamas: I thought I wasRicardo.

Cesar Romero: I am Ricardo. You see, we are allof us swarthy, romantic, Hispanic has-beens. You see?It is all very terribly confusing. We don’t know whowe are.

Fernando Lamas: Perhaps, uh, we could join youat your table.

Jane: Well, ah, we – we are waiting forour dates.

Jean: Yeah. George Hamilton, George Maharis andGeorge Chakiris.

Ricardo Montalban: Well, actually, we, too,were supposed to meet some lovely ladies here thisevening — Jill St. John, Susan St. James and EvaMarie Saint.

Cesar Romero: Right.

Ricardo Montalban: But, luckily, they canceledout and our evening is free so we’d love to join youuntil those insipid, pretty-boy flashes-in-the-pannamed George show up.

Jean: Oh, I don’t see why not.

Ricardo Montalban: Ah, good.

[The three men pull up chairs to join the ladies attheir table as a third woman in black, Joan, arrives.Cesar bows graciously and holds her chair for her. Sheand the men take seats.]

Joan: [to the men] Oh, hi. [to the women] Badnews, girls. George Hamilton, George Maharis andGeorge Chakiris stood us up for other dates.

Jean and Jane: [disappointed] Ooohhhhhh!Who?

Joan: Elke Sommer, Britt Ekland and MayBritt.

All: Awwwww!

Joan: [to the men] Oh, hi. I don’t think we’vebeen introduced.

Ricardo Montalban: My name is RicardoMontalban.

Fernando Lamas: My name is RicardoMontalban.

Cesar Romero: My name is RicardoMontalban.

Jean: Two of these three gentlemen arelying.

Joan: Well, will the real Ricardo Montalbanplease stand up?

[The three men feint standing up. Much laughter andapplause from the crowd for this parody of the oldgame show “To Tell the Truth.” Finally, the men remainseated and they and the women laugh heartily at theirlittle joke.]

Fernando Lamas: We do this every night.

Jean: Joan, meet Fernando Lamas, Cesar Romeroand Ricardo Montalban.

Joan: Well — who’s who?

Ricardo Montalban: Even we don’t know who’swho! The only way to tell is to run out to the parkinglot and see whose car keys fit the Cordoba! …[applause]

Fernando Lamas: [to Joan] May – may I assureyou that our confusion is as sincere as it ischarming. You wanna make out with me?

Joan: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jane] Okay. How ’bout youover there? A little bit of Mix Master, huh? Comeon.

Jane: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jean] All right, what aboutyou, right here?

Jean: Not right now.

Fernando Lamas: Okay. Just checking. I gotplenty o’ time.

Cesar Romero: [cuttingly, to Fernando] Zero onstyle, you know?

Ricardo Montalban: Okay, watch this guys. Watchthis. [smoothly, to Jane] Your eyes are like tintedopera windows. Your hair and skin is like the finestCorinthian leather.

Fernando Lamas: [to Joan] Say, uh, have youchanged your mind yet?

Joan: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jane] Okay. How ’bout you,right over here? You change your mind?

Jane: No.

Fernando Lamas: [to Jean] What about this girl,right here?

Jean: No, no.

Fernando Lamas: Okay. Just let me know. I’m inno hurry, I’ll be right here.

Jean: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I think Ican figure out who you are. Let me see your carkeys.

Fernando Lamas: Certainly.

Ricardo Montalban: Glad to comply, lovelylady.

Cesar Romero: Yes.

[The men pull out their car keys and put them in frontof Jean.]

Fernando Lamas: [hands keys to Jean, smoothly]And to my heart as well.

Jean: [examines the keys] Okay. Matador,Granada and Cordoba. [hands keys back to Ricardo]You are Ricardo.

Ricardo Montalban: RickyRicardo?

Cesar Romero: No! Stupid fool! At least we knowthat! None of us here is Ricky Ricardo!

Ricardo Montalban: Of course! I am RicardoMontalban!

Cesar Romero and Fernando Lamas:Aaaahhhhh!

Ricardo Montalban: My commercial endorsements,it’s all coming back to me. “As a Spaniard, I love tofeel the wind and fire in my face. When I choose acar, I choose a car with a certain spirit, a car thatwill–” You know, I mean, the commercials. They’rerunning all over the place.

Jean: Okay, okay. Now, it’s between Fernandoand Cesar.

Jane: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I havea picture of Fernando Lamas. It came with my wallet.[takes out wallet, shows picture to others]There!

Fernando Lamas: Aha! That’s me!

Cesar Romero: That’s you?

Fernando Lamas: I am Fernando Lamas!

Ricardo Montalban: I am Ricardo!

Cesar Romero: Then that means – I am CesarRomero! Excellent! I loved myself in “Weekend inHavana”!

[Excited and happy, everyone begins laughing andtalking at once. Fernando calls out:]

Fernando Lamas: Waiter, can we have some wine,please?! Wine for the ladies! We are celebratingourselves!

[As he does, three Italian men dressed in blackjumpsuits with low-cut necklines, enter and approach anearby table at which sit three bored women in blackwith identical hairstyles.]

1st Italian Man: [with accent] Excuse us,lovely, lovely ladies, but perhaps you can help us. Iam either Sergio Franchi, Rossano Brazzi or EnzoStuarti.

All Three Italian Men: You see, we are a bitconfused.

1st Woman: [matter-of-fact] Let’s see yourkeys, boys. Whoever’s driving the Volare mustbe Sergio Franchi.

[Applause. Dissolve to the applauding crowd and zoomin on audience members Mr. and Mrs. Chevy Chase. Mrs.Chase smiles as Mr. Chase picks his nose. He sees thecamera on him, stops and stares into it. Asuperimposed text reads: USED TO BE ON THE SHOW. Aftera pause, he joins in on the applause as we fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Night of the Moonies

Deprogrammer 1 …..Dan Aykroyd
Deprogrammer 2…..Garrett Morris
Moonie…..Shelley DuvallSun Myung Moon…..John Belushi
Wife…..Laraine Newman
Other Moonies…..Anne Beatts, Tom Davis, Jim Downey, Mitchell Laurance, Tom Schiller, Rosie Shuster, Alan Zweibel
Sheriff…..Bill Murray

[ black-and-white: open on interior, motel room, as a pair of deprogrammers stand over a Moonie tied to a chair ]

Deprogrammer 1: Led Zeppelin! Led Zeppelin! Led Zeppelin! LED ZEPPELIN!!

[ they rise to speak privately ]

Deprogrammer 1: Man, I say we give up on this Moonie! She’s not gonna crack!

Deprogrammer 2: Yes, she WILL!! Now, I have — look, I have deprogrammed TOUGHER kids than this one! Now, look — come on!

Deprogrammer 1: [ sighing ] It’s been five days!

Deprogrammer 2: [ to the moonie ] Look… don’t you want all of this to end? Huh? Just renounce that Sun Myung Moon character… and you can go back home to your parents!

Moonie: [ in a monotone ] The Unification Church is my family. I don’t like my parents.

Deprogrammer 1: [ he sighs ] How ’bout your dog? Don’t you want to go see your dog?

Moonie: I don’t have a dog.

Deprogrammer 1: Do you have a cat?

Moonie: I don’t have a cat.

Deprogrammer 1: Well, we’ll buy you a cat! [ cutesy ] A little kitten! Yuo can call it “Booooots”, or “Whiskers”, or “Muffin”, or ANYTHING YOU LIKE!!!

Deprogrammer 2: Shhhh…

Moonie: I don’t like animals.

Deprogrammer 2: Look — you can catch up on TV! Now, I bet you haven’t seen the new Fall shows!

Deprogrammer 1: Rhoda got divorced, you know. It’s, uh — everything’s changed.

Deprogrammer 2: Of course, you missed Mary’s last show, you know, uh — but… I’m sure they’ll probably rerun it.

Moonie: Television is the Devil’s paintbrush. I don’t like television.

Deprogrammer 1: I’m gonna put on that Mamas & Papas album one more time, see what happens.

[ a knock at the door ]

Deprogrammer 1: There’s the kid from Burger King.

Moonie: I don’t like Burger King. Burgers are the Devil’s scouring pads.

Deprogrammer 1: Well, don’t worry — we got you a Whaler with cheese.

[ he answers the door, but it’s Sun Myung Moon on the other side ]

Deprogrammer 1: Oh, no!!

Sun Myung Moon: Good ev-e-ning! I am the Reverand Sun Myung Moon, leader of the Moo-nies!

[ music sting ]

[ title card: “Night of the Moonies” ]

Sun Myung Moon: We have come… for… the girl!

Deprogrammer 1: This kid’s going BACK to her family!!

Sun Myung Moon: Whyyyy do you resist us? It is so much more preseant to surrender and become one of us. Submit to the uneffortable, free yourself of human emotion. Want to come to our bicentennial rally?

Deprogrammer 1: You’re crazy!! You think I’m gonna join your gang of zombies?! You must be NUTS!!

Sun Myung Moon: Noooo?? Perhaps your wife will be able to change your mind, Round Eyes!

[ Moon leads Deprogrammer 1’s zombified wife through the door ]

Deprogrammer 1: [ alarmed ] It IS my wife! Honey!

Deprogrammer 2: [ examines her listless face ] She’s not your wife any more, man. She’s a moonie!

Wife: Why struggle, dear? Give in. I’ve sold the house and car and all your possessions, and given the money to Reverand Moon.

Deprogrammer 1: [ he gasps ] NO!! NO!!

Wife: Your shirts, your slacks, your ties, your power tools…

Deprogrammer 1: My power tools?!!

Wife: Your beer can collection, your monogrammed golf clubs, your RCA home entertainment center, your electric wok.

Deprogrammer 1: Oh, how could you do it, honey?!

Wife: They’re all gone…

Sun Myung Moon: [ sinisterly ] We will keep… the electric wok!

Deprogrammer 2: Don’t!! Don’t listen to ’em!! [ he turns and shoves Moon and Deprogrammer 1’s wife out the door ] Get out of here!! Get out of here!! [ to Deprogrammer 1 ] Look, we can’t save her now! [ continues shoving Moon out the door ] Get out!! [ he slams the door ] Now, come on, you’ve GOT to help me!! They’re gonna probably try to get in now!!

Deprogrammer 1: Yeah, right!

Deprogrammer 2: Help me block this door!!

[ they push furniture in front of the door, as other moonies begin to smash in the window ]

Deprogrammer 2: Now, get over there to the window — here they come, here they come!!

[ the moonies try to push their literature through the empty panes, as Deprogrammer 1 begins to hammer boards over the window ]

Deprogrammer 1: Get away!! Get out of here!!

Voice of a Moonie: How are you? Would you like to buy a flower and help the Reverand Moon?

Deprogrammer 2: NO!! I’m not interested!!

Voice of a Moonie: Have a nice day!

Deprogrammer 1: They’re all over the place!!

Deprogrammer 2: I KNOW THAT!!

Voice of a Moonie: Would you like to make a donation..?

Deprogrammer 1: A quarter? [ he takes a brochure from one of the moonies and begins to read it ]

Deprogrammer 2: I don’t know HOW long — I don’t know how long we cna hold out! I don’t even know how many of them there are! They could have HUNDREDS of brochures, man. They might even have a sound truck! [ he turns and notices the brochure in Deprogrammer 1’s hand ] Hey, what’s that you’re reading there? Hey, man! Look! Listen, man!! [ he tears the brochure away and shoves Deprogrammer 1 down onto a bed ] Do you want to end up like one of those goons out there?!!

Deprogrammer 1: NO, NO!!

Deprogrammer 2: Stop reading that stuff!! You understand?!!

Deprogrammer 1: NO!! NO…!!

[ Deprogrammer 1 rises slowly, his eyes now darkened circles ]

Deprogrammer 1: [ in a monotone ] I am one of them now. It is really pleasant. [ to Deprogrammer 2 ] Hello! How are you? Are you busy right now? Can I walk with you just a little bit? You’re probably on your way to work. It’s Gentlemen’s Day today! It’s Gentlemen’s Day today! Why don’t you come with me just now..?

[ Deprogrammer 1 rises, as Deprogrammer 2 inches away toward the front door ]

Deprogrammer 2: You — you can stay here, man, I’m getting the hell out of here!

[ Deprogrammer 2 frantically pulls the furniture away from the front door and thrusts it open. Sun Myung Moon and some of the other moonies proceed to re-enter. ]

Sun Myung Moon: It’s time for you to join us! Here is your button!

Deprogrammer 2: NOOOOO!!!! NOOOOO!!!!

Deprogrammer 1: [ as he unties the rope around the first Moonie’s ] Hi! How are you? May I interest you in some literature? If you’d care to make a small donation…

Deprogrammer 2: NOOOOO!!!! NOOOOO!!!!

[ unnoticed by anyone, the Sheriff enters the motel room ]

Sheriff: Yeah, Chief, there’s a whole lot of those moonies here! Yeah, okay! Check!

[ the Sheriff proceeds to shoot each moonie one at a time, firing nine shots. Various moonies shout “Have a nice day!” before being shot. At last, the Sheriff shoots and kills Sun Myung Moon. ]

Deprogrammer 2: Thank God! Thank God, man! Thank God you came here!

Sheriff: Yeah, Chief? Okay, I’m gonna head down to that corner, there’s an ol’ rat’s nest in here, I got one more moonie to kill!

Deprogrammer 2: Oh, no, man! I’m not a moonie!

Sheriff: Alright!

Deprogrammer 2: I’m not — I’m not a moonie!

[ the Sheriff fires two shots at Deprogrammer 2 ]

Sheriff: Yeah, that really is a tragedy about San Diego. They never had proper law enforcement techniques down there, anyway. [ he chuckles ] Alright!

[ the Sheriff exits the motel room, leaving dead bodies everywhere as “The End” creeps onscreen ]

[ close-up, as the original moonie rises from the floor and smiles toward the camera ]

Moonie: Hello! How are you? Have you heard about the Unification Church? Do you mind if we talk for a while?

[ pull out to in-color studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… The Loud Family Discuss the Concorde SST” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Goodnights

…..Shelley Duvall

[ Duvall stands alone on stage, and waves to the camera with a smile ]

Shelley Duvall: Bye! I really enjoyed it. Thank you!

[ the cast suddenly join her on stage ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Buck Henry, with musical guests Jennifer Warnes and Kenny Vance. This is Don Pardo, and, no matter what you’ve heard, my voice is not a friendly oboe player. Honest! Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Programming Change

… John Belushi
… Lorne Michaels
… Shelley Duvall
… Laraine Newman
… Gilda Radner
… Jane Curtin
… Bob Van Ry

[We open cold on Home Base where an astonished JohnBelushi and Shelley Duvall, dressed in bee costumes,confer with producer Lorne Michaels, who holds a pieceof paper in his hand and tries to placatethem.]

John Belushi: [upset] I don’t believeit!

Lorne Michaels: There’s nothing I can do aboutit. I mean, I just found out about it– I’msorry.

John Belushi: It’s typical! It’s justtypical!

Lorne Michaels: I’m sorry. Listen … [handspaper to Shelley]

Shelley Duvall: We’re all rehearsed.

Lorne Michaels: No, no–

John Belushi: Look, I’m in the costume, I’m allready.

Lorne Michaels: There’s nothing I can do aboutit.

John Belushi: There’s nothing you cando?

Lorne Michaels: Nothing. I mean, I just got theword myself.

[Shelley, chewing gum, walks to center stage andaddresses the camera.]

Shelley Duvall: Hi, I’m not Miss USA, I’mShelley Duvall. [chuckles nervously, applause]Originally, uh, we were gonna start the show tonightwith me and John Belushi doing the Love Scene from”The Flight of the Bumblebee” — that’s how come I’mdressed like this. But, uh, just now, a networkexecutive contacted our producer Lorne Michaels and wehad to change our plans. You see, there’s this, uh,memo here. [chuckles, reads from the paper] “To allNBC producers: Because of the high cost-per-minuteratio of the recent Duane Bobick-Ken Norton fight,telecast originally on May eleventh, which,unfortunately, lasted only fifty-eight seconds, allNBC programs broadcast between now and June fifteenthwill begin with the aforementioned Bobick-Nortonfight. Kindest regards, Programming UnitA-C-nine-seventeen.” Well, that’s big business. So,here we go. [pause, Shelley looks around] Ithink.

[Finally, we dissolve to videotape of the fight. Thebell rings signaling the first round. Ken Norton, ablack man in blue trunks, and Duane Bobick, a whiteman in tan trunks, exchange punches for a few secondsbefore we cut backstage to the female cast members’dressing room. Gilda Radner sits on a make-up tablefixing her costume while Laraine Newman, smoking acigarette, watches the fight on a TV set.]

Laraine Newman: [disgusted] They cut the LoveScene from “The Flight of the Bumblebee” for this?[kills the sound on the TV and turns away to smoke hercigarette]

Gilda Radner: [annoyed, to Laraine] Hey! I waswatchin’ that!

Laraine Newman: [nasty] Yeah? Well, catch it inreruns. It’s drivin’ me up the wall!

Gilda Radner: [just as nasty] Back off, MissLint Hair! Miss Looks Like She Slept in a DoggyBag!

[Provoked, Laraine crushes her cigarette and starts tostrangle Gilda.]

Laraine Newman: Why, you–

Gilda Radner: No! Stop it!

[Screaming incoherently, the two women engage in acatfight. As they fall to the floor, Jane Curtinenters and tries to break it up. Meanwhile, theNorton-Bobick fight continues on the TV in thebackground.]

Jane Curtin: [wicked nasty] All right, you two!Knock it off! Knock it off or I’ll put your dentist ina new tax bracket!

[During this, Shelley Duvall, no longer in her beecostume, enters fussing with her hair and takes a seatat the make-up table. All the women are dressed inslinky black and gold outfits. Laraine rises andretreats to a corner. Meanwhile, on the TV, Nortonknocks Bobick down and the referee calls off the fightduring the following:]

Laraine Newman: [to Jane] Aw, shut up or I’lllet the air out of your legs.

Gilda Radner: [snatching a hairbrush out ofShelley’s hand] Gimme that!

Shelley Duvall: Wait a minute! Thank God youmake movies with a better class o’ people.

[Offended by Shelley’s comment, the others react whilefixing their hair and make-up.]

Laraine Newman: Oh ho!

Gilda Radner: Yeah, yeah, hey, hey!

Jane Curtin: [cruelly, to Shelley] Nice teeth.Why’n’t you tattoo “Steinway” on your upperlip?

Gilda Radner: [accusingly] Yeah, Shelley,what’d you do? Brush your way to the top?

Laraine Newman: [snidely, off Shelley’s biground eyes] Yeah, you know, you seldom find eyes likethat outside of a mouse cartoon.

Shelley Duvall: [feelings hurt] I’ve never donelive television. I can’t take it any more, you know?It’s just too much.

Gilda Radner: Yeah, well, if you wanna dotelevision, you’d better learn to take it,cupcake!

Laraine Newman: That’s right. If you can’tstand the heat, stay out of the kitchen, okay?

[On the TV, Norton has won the fight, the videotapeends and John Belushi appears on the screen in his beecostume.]

John Belushi: Live from New York, it’s Saturdaynight!

[Somewhere in the distance, the SNL Band plays theopening theme as the opening montage plays out on theTV screen during the following:]

Jane Curtin: [tough but sympathetic, toShelley] I know how you feel. We all know how youfeel. We were once serious actresses.

Shelley Duvall: Really?

Gilda Radner: Yeah! Yeah! Right. But weekly TVmade us tough. You know what I mean, honey?

Laraine Newman: Wise up, sweetheart. You got awhole show to host out there, you know? I mean, getwith it or get out!

Shelley Duvall: [adopting the tough tone of theothers, to Laraine] All right. Let me tell yousomething, kid. With pores that size, you could drillfor oil.

[Laraine and Gilda enthusuastically cheer Shelley’snew attitude.]

Laraine Newman: That’s it! All right!

Gilda Radner: Yeah, okay, Shelley! There yougo. [pinches Shelley’s cheek, Shelley winces inpain]

Jane Curtin: [instantly spoiling the mood] Aw,which one of you low-life’s put a cigarette out in myTab?

Gilda Radner: [to Jane] Not me, sweetheart.What are you talking about?

[Stage manager Bob Van Ry enters briefly and claps hishands at the women.]

Bob Van Ry: Okay, girls, let’s go! You gotthirty seconds!

Jane Curtin: [annoyed, to Bob] You’re notsupposed to be in here!

[The women rise from the make-up table, strip offtheir black jackets (embroidered with “Video Vixens”on the back) and start to exit toward Home Base. Janeand Laraine grab electric guitars as they go. Cut tothe four women exiting their dressing room and walkingthrough the audience as the band continues playing theopening theme and Don Pardo’s booming voice lists thecast members:]

Don Pardo V/O: … Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris,Bill Murray, Laraine Newman, and Gilda Radner!

[The women arrive at Home Base and take the stage infront of a glittering curtain. The house lights godown as the foursome line up behind four microphoneswith their backs to the audience — ready to begintheir act as “Video Vixens” …]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Brides

… Shelley Duvall

Shelly Duvall: [to the camera] This week’s filmwas made by Sharon Sacks and, this being June, thefilm is called “Brides.”

[Fade in on a woman in a bridal veil smiling into thecamera. Pull back to reveal the woman and anotherwoman, both in full bridal regalia, ironing clothes ina kitchen as they sing the 1913 pop hit “You Made MeLove You”:]

Brides: [singing]
You made me love you
I didn’t want to do it
I didn’t want to do it
You made me love you

[Dissolve to a series of images of brides as anarrator speaks:]

Narrator: Since the dawn of civilization,society has celebrated marriage with elaborateceremonies and the ordering of new flatware. [briefdissolve to flatware] From Europe to the Hebrides,brides bedeck themselves in shining white dresses tosymbolize the traditional French pastry. [briefdissolve to wedding cake – then dissolve to a smilingbride rotating back and forth] Psychologists have longasked themselves, “Why do men fear brides?” The answeris simple: the imposing white figure of a bride mayremind a young male of dinnerware. [dissolve todinnerware rotating back and forth in the same fashionas the bride] And all men are unnaturally afraid ofdinnerware. [Cut to nervous young man] In fact, wavethis Wedgwood gravy boat in their face and men willscream. [A gravy boat is thrust in the man’s face – hescreams.] It’s a scientific fact.

[Quick fade out and in to a bride brushing her hair]Here we see a representation of the world famous”brushing bride.” Variations on this theme include the”buzzing bride” … [dissolve to the same bride makinga buzzing sound through her nose] … the “hummingbride” … [dissolve to the same bride making ahumming sound through her mouth] … and the “fallingbride.” [dissolve to the same bride falling out of theframe with a thud, shaking the camera a little] Thusthe phrase, “bridal thud” or “clunk.”

[Quick fade out and in to a pair of tap shoes, tappingout a rhythm – cut wide to reveal three maids of honorin pink gowns doing a tap dance routine as a bridesits nearby watching] Here, in southern California, ina special ceremony in the bride’s home, the maids ofhonor do a special dance to honor the wedding of thisyoung bride to a giant chicken. [Cut to a live chickenlooming over a doll house] The chicken impatientlywaits outside. [Cut to the bride’s parents lookingbored] While inside, the bride’s parents, anxious toappear “with it,” look on benevolently. [Cut to acrying bride being comforted by maids of honor in bluegowns] Meanwhile, across town, another young bride isheartbroken today because the chicken to whom she wasto be married inexplicably succumbed to exposure priorto the ceremony. [Cut to a dead, plucked,ready-to-cook chicken lying in the front yard of aranch house the size of a doll house]

[Quick fade out and in to a wedding ceremony where,instead of a priest, a bride and groom stand before aVegas-style stand-up comedian who wears a tuxedo andspeaks into a microphone:]

Comedian: He says, “Well, it’s my pet penguin.”He says, “I don’t care!” He says, “You take him to thezoo.” Guy takes off. The next day, sametime…

Narrator: Many families now prefer to foregothe vows themselves for the telling of the weddingjoke.

Comedian: So the cop comes up to him and says,”Didn’t I tell you yesterday to take that penguin tothe zoo?” He said, “I did. Today I’m takin’ him to themovies.” You may kiss the bride.

[The bride and groom kiss. Quick fade out and in tothree grim brides walking side by side down a street,accompanied by marching band music.]

Narrator: It is a little known fact that untiljust twenty years ago only blondes were permitted bylaw to become brides.

[Quick fade out and in to a woman with a brown paperbag over her head. Two eye holes are cut out of thebag so she can see. A photographer’s flash bulb goesoff and we pull back to reveal that the woman is abride standing with the groom, a priest, and the maidof honor for a wedding photo.] Anonymous weddings areincreasingly popular. This young bride, for example,owes money to a well-known and powerful departmentstore.

[Quick fade out and in to a series of black-and-whitestill photos of the White House wedding of PresidentRichard Nixon’s daughter Tricia. In the final photo,Nixon has a set of false vampire fangs in his mouth.]Other novelties are finding a place in the weddingritual. A President of the United States appeared atthe wedding of his daughter Tricia several years agosporting fangs thereby ushering in a new popularityfor vampire weddings. [Cut to priest and parents,standing outside a bedroom door, inspecting a whitelinen stained with red spots of blood] Here we are atMarjorie’s home the morning after the wedding wherethe happy parents surround her door. [Cut to thebedroom where the groom lies dead, two bleedingpuncture marks in his neck, as the bride moves to thewindow] While, inside the bedroom …

Vampire Bride: [exposing her fangs as shespeaks darkly] Goodbye, Mother. You finally made alady out of me. [The Vampire Bride transforms into abat, via animation, and flies out the window as wehear the Singing Brides:]

Brides: [singing] You know you made me loveyou …

[Dissolve to applauding audience.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Bank Robber Disguises

Male Customer 1…..Tom Davis
Ron…..Dan Aykroyd
Guard…..Jim Downey
Male Teller…..Bill Murray
Female Teller 1…..Shelley Duvall
Female Teller 2…..Laraine Newman
Cecile…..Gilda Radner
Herbie…..John Belushi
Ray…..Garrett Morris
Female Customer 1…..Jane Curtin
Other Customers…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Mitchell Laurance, Rosie Shuster, Anne Beatts
FBI Bank Squad 1…..Tom Schiller
FBI Bank Squad 2…..Neil Levy
FBI Bank Squad 3…..Alan Zweibel

[ open on interior, bank, as Male Customer 1 makes his exit toward the door following his transaction ]

[ before Male Customer 1 reaches the door, a bank robber, Ron, dressed with a stocking over his face and oranges over his eyes, bursts in pointing a rifle ]

Ron: FREEZE, EVERYBODY, FREEZE!!! Good morning, this is a bank robbery!! [ points his rifle at the guard ] YOU!! Drop your gun belt,and kick it over here!! [ points his rifle at the tellers ] Okay, listen to me, clearly!! Alright, tellers, open your cash drawers halfway! Everybody else, lie down on the floor, keep your hands above your heads! [ everyone crouches to the floor ] No movement, no noise, or I start shooting! Is that clear?! Is that clear?! Just listen to me, and everything will be all right!!

[ a Male Teller clumsily reaches into a drawer and pulls out a pistol ]

Ron: You drop that, sucker, or I’ll take your head right off!!

Female Teller 1: [ to her co-worker ] Drop it!

[ the Male Teller drops the pistol ]

Ron: Okay, I’ve got my people with me, we DON’T want to hurt anybody! We just want to pull this off clean and nice, alright?

[ the rest of the gang burst into the bank, dressed collectively as a cowboy, witch, and ghost. They all point their rifles. ]

Ron: Okay! Ray, Cecile, clean out those cash drawers! Make sure NO metal touches any other metal!

[ the others surround the counter ]

Cecile: Alright, come on!

Ron: Alright, Herbie, pick up his gun, and his gun, and make HIM open the vault! I’m counting now: 1! 2! 3! 4! 5!

Female Teller 1: Excuse me! Excuse me!

Ron: What?!

Female Teller 1: I have a question?

Ron: What is it?

Female Teller 1: Uh — you’re supposed to be disguised, right?

Ron: Yeah?

Female Teller 1: Uhhh, okay, so… she’s a witch, and, uh, he’s a clown… and he’s a cowboy. So, what are you supposed to be?

Ron: Uh — what?!

Female Teller 1: Uh, your disguise? Who are you supposed to be, you know?

Ron: [ annoyed ] I’m an INSECT!! A bug! You know.

Female Teller 2: Uh — uh, I’m sorry, but — [ she laughs ] How do you figure an insect. I mean, it’s just a nylong stocking with two oranges stuck on your eyes. I mean, I don’t — I don’t see an insect there!

Ron: You don’t?

Female Teller 2: [ scared ] No-o-o!

Ron: Oh. Well… I’m supposed to be, like, a grasshopper. I’m a praying mantis! Yeah, that’s it! I’m a praying mantis! [ he riaes his hands in front of his face and hisses ]

Female Teller 2: [ trembling ] Uh — uh — you don’t look like one.

Ron: Well, forget it!! Shut up and let us work!! [ he continues ] 21! 22! 23!

Cecile: Ron? Ron? You know, she’s right! You don’t look like an insect!

Herbie: Yeah, man! You don’t look like any insect at all!

Ray: Yeah, man! You know, I’m glad you told me, because I neeeeever would have guessed it!

Ron: [ points to two of the tellers ] You!! You!! Give me a pencil!! [ Teller 1 hands him two pencils ] Okay! How about this?! [ he shoves the two pencils into his mouth, raises his hands, and hisses once again ]

Female Teller 2: No! No! That — that just looks — looks like two — two pencils.

Female Teller 1: [ smiling ] Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I see an insect!

Ron: Yeah!

Female Teller 1: Yeah!

Ron: Yeah, you just use your imagination, an insect will come to you no problem!

Female Teller 1: It’s really good!

Ron: Yeah! [ he chuckles heartily ]

Herbie: No, man, I’m not going for it! That’s the WORST disguise I’ve ever seen in my life!

Ray: Yeah, yeah, man…

Female Customer 1: I — I agree! You can see that everybody else really worked on their costumes!

Crowd: Yeah!!

Cecile: It’s true! I put a lot of time and money into this costume. How — what — how do you get off showing up like that?!

Herbie: Yeah! Really, man! This was the last cowboy suit in town! I had to go to three fittings!

Ron: [ aggravated ] COME ON!! Now, I worked all month planning this job!! Remember, when we started out, I was gonna get three matching harlequin costumes!! You know? So we’d look nice! But somebody else TOOK them!! There’s nothing I could do about it!! Plus, I had to plan the escape routes, I planned this whole thing! I had to look at traffic patterns, one-way streets, service alleys — I just didn’t have TIME to pick up a costume!!

Ray: Well, man, THAT’S no excuse, ’cause I came in on this thing yesterday, and I had time to get me a halfway decent costume together!

Female Customer 1: It’s true! At least you know he’s supposed to be a ghost! I mean, he’s a ghost, right? [ the crowd agrees ] But, uh, there’s no way that you’re an insect!

Female Teller 1: Well, I see it! I think it’s a GREAT costume! It’s so simple, you know?

Ron: Thanks.

Female Customer 1: Well, now, I like the cowboy. I mean, he really looks like a cowboy!

Guard: The ghost is my favorite.

Ray: Thank you very much!

Male Teller 1: Alright! Excuse me. I think we’d better SETTLE this matter before somebody gets hurt! Everybody, stand up! Bank robbery people, get over here in a line! [ the customers collect off to the side as the robbers form a line ] Now, we’re gonna vote on this — no — no applause, just, uh — just applause, no cheers, only. Okay, now here’s, uh — how about a cowboy? [ scattered applause ] Okay! Alright! Somebody came as a witch, how about her! [ scattered applause ] Who’s this fella, dressed up as a GHOST! [ Ray stick his togue out of his mouth hole, as the applause builds for him ] Alright! Alright! Okay! And how about this guy over here, dressed like an insect?

[ only Female Teller 1 applauds, with excess enthusiasm to boot. Male Teller gives her a dirty look and quiets her applause. ]

Male Teller 1: Well… I think the voting speaks for itself, Mr. Insect.

Ron: [ desperately ] WAIT!! [ points to Female Teller 1 ] YOU!! I do a great frog! Give me that green, felt desk blotter there! [ she collects the blotter ] Okay, I picked this up in Woman’s Day magazine — anybody can do it, you can do it at home. Now, you just take the blotter, and you just fold it. See? [ he lamely wraps the blotter around his head ] It’s a frog! Like this!

[ the crowd groans ]

Male Teller 1: Come on, it’s as good as your insect!

Ron: Alright, fine! [ to his fellow robbers ] You people DON’T have to help! [ he throws his bag in front of Female Teller 1 ] Here! Fill this bag up!

[ Female Teller 1 fills the bag as the other robbers clear everyone out of the way ]

Female Teller 1: [ enthusiastically, to Ron ] I really thought your insect was the best!

Ron: Oh… thanks. That’s real nice. [ light chuckle ] Would you mind counting those bills out for me? I can’t see with these oranges stuck in my eyes.

Female Teller 1: Oh. [ she begins to count ]

Ron: See, originally, I got this gang together, you know — [ he chuckles ] We, uh — we were gonna rob banks upstate and, uh, we had this idea, you know? I was gonna get these three matching harlequin costumes, you know? Like you see a joker in a deck of cards, you know? They were real colorful. Well, we didn’t have money for a deposit, so somebody else scooped them on us —

Female Teller 1: Awww.

[ the alarm sounds, as three robbers dressed in harlequin costumes burst through the door ]

FBI Bank Squad 1: Okay, everybody — FREEZE!! FBI Bank Squad!! You’re ALL under arrest!!

[ stunned silence from the roomful of people ]

Ron: WAIT!! I do a great porcupine!! [ points to Female Teller 1 ] YOU!! Give me twenty-five letter openers and fifty sharp pencils like this!

[ as the commotion grows, the camera swoops up into the audience and zooms toward a bushy-bearded man signalling for the camera, with SUPER: “Owns blank T-Shirt”. The man gives an “okay” sign to the camera for fulfilling his thrill of a lifetime. ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts