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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

76u: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

Baba Wawa At Large

Baba Wawa…..Gilda Radner
Richard Burton…..Bill Murray

[ title card: “Baba Wawa At Large” ]

[ dissolve to Baba Wawa, seated on stage next to Richard Burton ]

Baba Wawa: Hewwo! I’m Baba Wawa, and wewcome to “Baba Wawa at Wawge”! Continuing with my vewy pewsonal and weveawing in-depth intewviews with the wenowned! It’s my pweasuh to give a Baba Wawa hewwo to the man who was mawwied wongest to Wiz Taywuh — Mistuh Wichud Buhton!

Richard Burton: Thank you, BABA! I truly, truly mean this, from the DEPTHS of my heart when I tell you that I LOVE your show and I watch you ALL the time!

Baba Wawa: [ she giggles ] Well, thank you, Wichud!It’s so wonduhfuh to heaw the sounds that woll ovuh yuh wywics! Uh, to heaw — to heaw them revuhbuhwate thwough a cwowded theatuh or bwake wite buhbs with that wich, wich tweet!

Richard Burton: BABA! Would you please get out of my WRETCHED life? You’re much too KIND! But, you see, this is just my STAGE voice, which I use for PROJECTION purposes! What my REAL voice is, is sort of a southern Great Lakes/Midwestern, uh, sort of voice, sort of like THIS: [ with a nerdy tone ] “Hey, girls? Where’s the cast party?”

Baba Wawa: [ she chuckles ] Ohhhh, Wichud! Wet’s get down to bwass tacks. Uh — a wot of peopuh awe cuwious to know: are you stihh a wush who dwinks wike a jewwyfish?

Richard Burton: No, I haven’t touched a DROP of John Barleycorn for FIVE weeks!

Baba Wawa: [ she chuckles ] Oh, well, that’s a wemawkabuh achievement for, uh — a, uh — wituhwee wefowmed ahcohowic!

Richard Burton: [ he laughs ] Well, I was in a COMA for the first FOUR weeks! [ he laughs ] No, I was just KIDDING about that! Make that PERFECTLY clear, I’m KIDDING about that COMA! A lot of VICIOUS stories get started that way!

Baba Wawa: Well, uh — Wichud, what do you think about the, uh, weedicuwous stowwies that awe witten about you?

Richard Burton: I think that the PEOPLE who WRITE them are SPINELESS PARASITES!! They are CREATURES who just make their living off of SUCKING off of other people’s LIVES!! [ Baba wipes a glob of Burton’s spit from her eye ] Uhhh — this month, for example. Uh, a story DEFAMED me in the pages of Teen Time magazine! THEY had nothing good to say! Uhhh — Tiger Beat magazine TRASHED me! Uhh — Sixteen magazine claimed I like to get DRUNK and fly upside-down in my private plane!

Baba Wawa: Weawwy?

Richard Burton: They HATE me! They DESPISE me! And just because I’m a PARTY ANIMAL!! I like to PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! And they DON’T!!

Baba Wawa: [ she chuckles ] Well, Wichud… you wed and wuvved Ewizabeth Taywuh — uh, you showuhed huh with emwahds and wubies and gave huh the wahget WOCK in the WOHWD! What was Wiz wiwwy wike, Wichud?

Richard Burton: Elizabeth Taylor was not only a very INTELLIGENT woman, in addition to being a very TALENTED actress.. but she’s also a very HOT tomato, if you know what I mean. [ he pulls out his wallet from his back pocket ] You ought to take a look at these PICTURES I’ve got of her — it’s UNBELIEVABLE! [ pulls pictures of Liz Taylor from his wallet ] Look at THIS — look at THIS! You believe THAT?!

Baba Wawa: Oooohhh, weawwy!

Richard Burton: Yeah, here she is! SWIMSUIT! You see what I see!

Baba Wawa: Yes!

Richard Burton: I used to be MARRIED to THAT! Do you believe that? Every night! Whenever I want it! I was MARRIED to it! I HAD her! I threw it away! [ a beat ] Oh, am I STUPID! [ Baba chuckles as Murray falls back into his own voice ] Really! Maybe I’m losing my accent again, but I really BLEW it that time! [ he puts his wallet away ]

Baba Wawa: Wichud! Wichud! Cawm down! Befaw you go, wood you do us a favuh? Wood you wecite something faw us?

Richard Burton: BABAAAA!! It would be a privilege! [ he begins ] “Each evening… from December to December… before you drift to sleep upon your cot… think back upon all the tales you remember… of Camelot.”

Baba Wawa: Ohhhh! That’s fwum “Camewot”!

Richard Burton: No, that’s “Cam-e-LOT”!

Baba Wawa: Ohhhhh, I WUV that show! I have the ahbum, and I know ahh the songs by hawt! [ singing ] “If evuh I wood weeeeave yooooouuuuu!” [ she stops ] But, Wichud… I’ve heawd “Camewot” a wot! Uhhh — can you, uh — don’t you know any thing ewse?

Richard Burton: By HEART?

Baba Wawa: Yes.

Richard Burton: [ thinking ] No! Just THIS: “Each evening… from December to December… before you drift to sleep upon your cot –“

Baba Wawa: [ to the camera ] Wadies and gentuhmen… I know it sounds a bit bizaww… but we’ve wun out of time! I’d wike to thank Wichud Buhton! [ she giggles ]

Richard Burton: Thank YOU, BABAAAAA!!!

Baba Wawa: This is Baba Wawa saying… good night!

Richard Burton: Bye, BYYYYE!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 21

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


May 14th, 1977

Shelley Duvall

Joan Armatrading

None

Lorne Michaels

Bob Van Rye

Spalding Gray

Anne Beatts

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Mitchell Laurance

Neil Levy

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Tom Schiller

Rosie Shuster

Alan Zweibel

Al Franken

Paul Shaffer

Howard Shore
Programming ChangeSummary: Shelley Duvall announces that tonight’s show will be temporarily delayed so that NBC can replay the recent Duane Bobick-Ken Norton fight.

Transcript

Montage

Video VixensSummary: Video Vixens Shelley Duvall, Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner and Laraine Newman vow to make make the viewers laugh.

Transcript

Bank Robber DisguisesSummary: The leader (Dan Aykroyd) of a bank robbery was unable to come up with as good a costume as the members of his gang.

Transcript

Joan Armatrading performs “Love & Affection”

I Am Ricardo Montalban!Summary: Latin lovers Ricardo Montalban (Dan Aykroyd), Cesar Romero (John Belushi) and Fernando Lamas (Bill Murray) ask women at a restaurant to choose among them.

Recurring Characters: Ricardo Montalban, Cesar Romero.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Jane Curtin makes a call to Emily Litella’s (Gilda Radner) answering machine.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Black Educational ConferenceSummary: Boxer Duane Bobick (Tom Davis) makes the appeal for blacks to be educated and out of the ring.

Viva Las Vegas IISummary: Elvis Presley (John Belushi) as an aspiring Shakespearean actor.

Recurring Characters: Elvis Presley.

Baba Wawa At LargeSummary: Richard Burton (Bill Murray) discusses his ex-wife, Elizabeth Taylor, with Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Richard Burton, Barbara Walters.

Transcript

BridesSummary: Wedding traditions are examined, in a film by Sharon Sacks.

Transcript

Bad BalletSummary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) dances poorly in “Swan.”

Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell.

Night Of The MooniesSummary: Deprogrammers (Dan Aykroyd, Garrett Morris) try to save a young moonie (Shelley Duvall) from the Rev. Sun Mynung Moon’s (John Belushi) cult.

Transcript

Joan Armatrading performs “Down To Zero”

Van ArgumentsSummary: While standing in line at a cafeteria, a husband (Dan Aykroyd) and wife (Shelley Duvall) debate the purchase of the “Star is Born” soundtrack.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner

[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open on anchorperson Jane Curtin, seated at WU desk]

Don Pardo V/O: And now, “Weekend Update,” with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Before we get to the news, I’d like to mention that the coveted Pulitzer Prizes were awarded this week, and the Pulitzer Prize in Broadcast Journalism was won by…guess who? Our own Weekend Update. The award is for superior achievement, responsibility, and accuracy in reporting. I’d like to thank the judges for this honor, and we’ll try to live up to it. Thank you, thank you…thank you.

Our top story tonight: Erin Fleming, manager and companion of veteran comedian Groucho Marx, was relieved of her duties yesterday by a California judge, pending a court hearing next month. Miss Fleming, in an effort to elude reporters and photographers, has adopted a disguise in hopes of maintaining her privacy. [doctored photo of Fleming with trademark Groucho eyebrows, glasses, moustache and cigar] She has also filed an application to legally change her name to “Flemmo.”

[photo of Walter Cronkite feeding a forkful of food to Congressman Bela Abzug] At a fundraising dinner in New York, former Congresswoman Bela Abzug threw up on Walter Cronkite’s fork as a protest as what she labeled the “male-dominated TV news establishment.”

Alex Haley, author of the bestselling Roots, has been accused of plagiarizing material from existing works by two other authors, Margaret Alexander’s Jubilee, and Harold Courlander’s The African. Haley claims it’s just a coincidence, and shrugging off the charges he went back to finishing his new novel, Moby Dick.

[picture of an iceberg] That giant iceberg which broke off Antarctica is moving northward towards South America. NASA released this picture, claiming it was a satellite photograph of the 45-by-25-mile iceberg, but our sources report it is actually an aerial shot of Idi Amin’s Wasserman test. More on this condition as it develops.

[photo of a man crossing his eyes, imitating a fish] Well, a Philadelphia man has filed a 2-million-dollar malpractice suit against his plastic surgeon. The surgeon, shown here, says, “I was just trying to make him look normal.”

And now, this week’s editorial by correspondent Bill Murray.

Bill Murray: Thank you Jane. In a landmark ruling this week, the United States Supreme Court declared that the spanking of schoolchildren by teachers or other school officials is constitutional. This five-to-four endorsement of corporal punishment should not be taken lightly. Imagine, if you will, that you are a fifth-grade teacher, and your class is lined up for a fire drill, and an 11-year-old girl in the class talks to her neighbor. No big crime. Children are at times unruly, but perhaps she should be taught a lesson.

OK, have her stay after school. You wouldn’t want to humiliate her in front of her classmates. Then take the child, so pure, so frail, so unsuspecting, and put her over your knee, gently, ever so gently. But first, your mind wanders, and images of sunny Sundays, and breakfast with Mom and Dad, walks in the park with Gramps. Love, so much love.

The kids at school made fun of you and they called you “sissy.” The boys laughed at you in gym class and they said you weren’t as masculine as they were. You couldn’t climb the ropes. And the showers, of course, were the hardest. “Bald Billy,” they called you. Now the girls, the girls, they- they laughed the hardest, giggling behind your back and pointing at you. “Billy, Billy, what’s the matter? The boys won’t play baseball with you!”

Then in high school, you called them, asked them on dates, but still they laughed, and laughed, and laughed. And you waited at home on Saturday night, watching wrestling on TV. And then Gramps died. And then Mom, well, she left Dad, and married a guy who laughed when he heard you were 23 years old and you’d never been kissed. And Mom, she laughed too, with this weird guy she married. And you swore you’d get even, get even with all of the people that laughed. And now’s your chance.

It takes what seems like an eternity, but you take the trembling girl on your knee, and you pull up her dress. Yes, you’re almost home now. Your hands are shaking, but you must continue. And then the panties, oh, the panties. They’re white, and they’ve got pink or light blue trim. And you touch the panties, and you pull down the panties. And there are firm, white mounds of heaven. Sweet, sweet, sweet nirvana. The girls made fun of me, yeah. They giggled, they pointed, they stood me up. But now they’ll pay for it.

And you hit those mounds, [pounds his right hand on the desk repeatedly] and you hit those mounds again and again, you hit them until you beg for mercy, and are you gonna do it again? And you’ll show ‘em. Gramps? Huh? Why did you die? I missed you! Mom? Why did you remarry? Huh? Why did you leave me? Why can’t I be like everybody else? Huh? I’ll show you why! Are you gonna do it again? No! [stops]

This is Bill Murray, for “Weekend Update.” Back to you, Jane. [applause]

Jane Curtin: [photo of an infant playing a child-sized tuba] Still to come, an alternative to breastfeeding, after this message.

[Dissolve to Oxxon commercial]

Jane Curtin: Soviet Communist Party Chief Leonid Brezhnev surprised the world this week.

[photo of a Minnesota Twins player holding an umbrella on the field] Mary Poppins’ husband, Marty Poppins, has been signed a shortstop by the Minnesota Twins. Marty is shown here landing in the stadium just in time to field a ground ball and throw the runner out at first. A capacity crowd of 55 thousand saluted him by singing two choruses of “Chim Chim Cher-ee.”

And now, here’s this week’s editorial reply by Emily Litella. [applause]

Emily Litella: Hi. Thank you, thank you Jane. Tonight’s commentary is concerned with air solution. Now, what’s all this fuss I hear about air solution? I don’t— [cracks up] Oh God! I can’t…

Jane Curtin: [smiling] What’s so funny?

Emily Litella: That was the worst joke I ever made. It wasn’t even close!

Jane Curtin: I’m well aware of that. What’s wrong with you?

Emily Litella: Oh I’m sorry, Miss Curtin. I’m just not myself, I’m quite preoccupied.

Jane Curtin: Preoccupied with what?

Emily Litella: Oh, my man, my man! Oh, you know, oh, my juices are all flowing. I’m all juiced up!

Jane Curtin: Who is this guy, anyway?

Emily Litella: [proudly] Tom Snyder!

Jane Curtin: Tom Snyder? You, Emily Litella, are in love with Tom Snyder.

Emily Litella: What a hunk!

Jane Curtin: Well, I guess he’s appealing, but, uh, I’d never trust him. Besides, he’s going to California anyway.

Emily Litella: Well, don’t talk about him that way. I love him!

Jane Curtin: Oh come on, he’s not worth it. Look at his hair! He’ll only hurt you.

Emily Litella: I love him! I love him! I love him!And where he goes I’ll swallow, I’ll swallow, I’ll swallow!He’ll always be my true love, my true love, my true love,From now until forever, forever, forever!

[singing to the tune of “I Will Follow Him”]

“I will swallow him.”

Jane Curtin: Emily? Emily?

Emily Litella: “Swallow him wherever he may go!
There isn’t an o–“

Jane Curtin: EMILY!

Emily Litella: What??

Jane Curtin: That’s “I Will Follow Him.” Not “Swallow Him,” “Follow Him.”

Emily Litella: [pauses] Ohhh. Well that’s different. That’s very different!

Tom, if you’re watching: Never mind.

Jane Curtin: That’s our news tonight. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Cheers and applause. Jane and Emily awkwardly stare at each other. Fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

Trans Eastern Flight

Sherry…..Laraine Newman
Male Passenger 1…..Eric Idle
Female Passenger 1…..Jane Curtin
Male Passenger 2…..John Belushi
Male Passenger 3…..Garrett Morris
Other Passengers…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Al Franken
Captain…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on interior, Trans Eastern airplane during flight. Slow pan along the aisle to familiarize the audience with the passengers on board.]

[ the Stewardess, Sherry, steps out from behind the curtain and picks up the PA phone to address the passengers ]

Sherry: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard Trans Eastern’s Royal Luau jet service from Los Angeles to New York. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you all for flying Trans Eastern today, and to wish you a pleasant flight. My name is Sherry Norwalk, and I’ll be your hostess here in First Class. Our captain is Mr. David Harbeson, and our first mate is Paul Maguire. Our two flight attendants will be Karen, and Pam Boucher. We’ll be flying at an altitude of 18,000 feet for the first part —

Male Passenger 1: This is awfully boring. Do you suppose we could do without the rest of your opening talk, please?

Sherry: Certainly, sir. [ she hangs up the PA phone ]

Male Passenger 1: Thank you. [ he returns to his seat ]

Sherry: But we must request that you put your hand luggage under your seat during take-off.

Male Passenger 1: [ pointing his gun again ] Would you mind, terribly, if I kept it in my lap?

Sherry: Oh, of course not!

Male Passenger 1: Thank you.

Female Passenger 1: [ to Male Passenger 1 ] Uh — uh, excuse me? [ he turns ] I couldn’t help but notice your gun.

Male Passenger 1: Oh, yes! It’s a Colt .38 police special, with a six-ounce trigger puller and mercury-one slugs.

Female Passenger 1: Really! [ whips out a gun of her own, as Sherry steps forward to distribute drinks ] I’ve got a .32 caliber Smith & Wesson revolver, and it’s, uh — excuse me. [ points her gun at Sherry ] Miss!! Oh, Miss! Would you mind terribly if I had an extra bag of macademia nuts to take to my neice in Garden City?

Sherry: Oh, certainly not, Ma’am. [ hands her the nuts ] Here you go. And here’s an extra set of headsets, compliments of Trans Eastern!

Male Passenger 2: Oh, Miss? [ stands with a rifle ] Excuse me, but, uh — is it okay if I smoke a joint in the can?

Sherry: Certainly!

Male Passenger 2: [ he pats a doberman pinchser ] I’m just gonna leave my doberman here in the aisle, okay?

Sherry: Oh, that’s quite alright. [ she pats the dog’s head ] I don’t see what harm it’ll do.

Male Passenger 2: Stay, boy! [ he walks off ]

Sherry: Uh, sir? Could I get you a magazine? We have, uh… U.S. News Weekly, and Forbes Business World…?

Male Passenger 3: Is — is that all that you have?

Sherry: Yes, I think that it is, sir.

Male Passenger 3: Say, uh — [ points a machine gun at her ] do you suppose that you could find me a copy of Hustler, or Players?

Sherry: [ laughs nervously ] I’ll go check!

Male Passenger 3: Thank you.

Female Passenger 1: [ points her gun at Sherry ] Oh, Miss! When the movie starts, do you think it would be possible to keep it in focus?

Sherry: Oh, no problem!

Male Passenger 1: [ pointing his gun ] And give us something othr than “Alex & The Gypsy” or “Harry & Walter Go To New York”!

Sherry: Oh, no trouble at all!

Male Passenger 1: Thank you.

Female Passenger 1: [ pointing her gun agin ] Oh! Oh! And one more thing — as a special favor, would you mind asking the pilot NOT to point out the Grand Canyon in the middle of the movie?

Sherry: Not at all, Ma’am!

[ she steps behind the curtain, then quickly re-emerges holding a pair of magazines ]

Sherry: [ to Male Passenger 3 ] Here are your magazines, sir!

Male Passenger 3: Thank you VERY much!

Male Passenger 2: [ returning from the bathroom with his rifle pointed ] Oh, uh, Miss? Do you mind if I have something else besides that plastic salisbury steak, uh, that I wouldn’t even feed my dog?

Sherry: Of course, sir!

Male Passenger 2: Ah, thank you very much.

[ as Sherry returns to the curtain, the Captain emerges ]

Captain: Hi, Sherry.

Sherry: Hi!

Captain: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, just remain calm! I’m prepared to take you WHEREVER you want to go — we have enough fuel to reach Algiers, Beirut, Tripoli —

Male Passenger 1: [ pointing his gun ] Take us to New York! On schedule!

Captain: [ he chuckles ] New York on schedule! I don’t know about that! We’ve, uh, we’ve never done that before! My, uh, flight plan called for a three-hour stack-up over Kennedy.

Male Passenger 1: Well, just this once, couldn’t we simply arrive on time?

Captain: Well, I’ll radio the air controller and do what I can, but I can’t promise anything! [ he laughs ]

Male Passenger 1: Thank you.

Captain: [ as he returns to the cockpit ] Hi, Sherry.

Sherry: Hi, Captain! [ puts a pillow behind Male Passenger 1’s head ] Here’s a little pillow to make you —

Female Passenger 1: [ pointing her gun ] Say! Aren’t you the stewardess who does the commercial for this airline?

Sherry: Yes, that’s me! [ she smiles ]

Male Passenger 1: [ pointing his gun ] Oh, I’d LOVE to hear it! It’s one of my favorites!

Sherry: Ohhh, right here, now? I couldn’t! It’s too embarrassing!

[ the passengers encourage her by pointing all their firearms at her ]

Sherry: Okay, I guess I could! Alright! I’m so nervous! [ she gulps ] Hi! I’m Sherry! Stick a gun in my mouth, and you can fly me anywhere! [ she holds up a gun ] And, at Trans Eastern, we give you your own gun!

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in one woman with SUPER: “Has Memorized Johnny Carson’s Wardrobe” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

Save Great Britain Telethon

…..Eric Idle …..Bill Murray Queen Elizabeth…..Jeanette Charles

[ open on Queen Elizabeth knitting onstage, as Eric Idle takes a call. He looks up when he notices the camera ]

Eric Idle: Uh — well! Welcome back to the Great Britain telethon, where I’m afraid that the latest news is that Clive Davis gas asked fro his money back. So, let’s have a look at the total —

[ the board, which read “000000020”, flips its numbers to now read “000000000” ]

Eric Idle: Yes. Well, we have got a whole bank of twenty telephones here, open for the last final rush of donations. If you will rush to your phones right now. So, whilst you’re ringing in with your last-minute pledges, here’s Bill Murray. Bill, what are you gonna do for us?

Bill Murray: Uh — to raise money for England, I’m gonna chug this bottle of grape juice.

Eric Idle: Wonderful. Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Murray will now chug-a-lug the entire contents of a quart bottle of grape juice!

Bill Murray: Can I have a drum roll, please? [ a drum roll accompanies Bill as he begins to chug the grape juice, then stops almost as quickly as he began ] I can’t finish it!

Eric Idle: Terrific. We’ll be right back.

[ Eric Idle shoves Bill off the stage, as we dissolve to the end bumper ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

Irish Interrogation

Soldier ….. Eric Idle
Prisoner ….. Bill Murray

[A dungeon. A British SOLDIER is pacing across the room, trying to interrogate an Irish PRISONER who sits tied to a chair next to a table with two potatoes, an electrode machine and a French fry slicer.]

Soldier: Tell me what I want to hear!

Prisoner: You gets nothing from me, you English swill!

Soldier: [persuasive] Look, be reasonable, mate, just answer those three questions, I’ll give you a cigarette, I’ll give you some food, a big brimming bowl full of Lucky Charms, wouldn’t that be nice?

Prisoner: You’re wastin’ your time, slimey Lime!

Soldier: [slaps prisoner on the face] That’s “Limey slime,” you uneducated hick scum! Very well, I didn’t want to do this … but you leave me no choice. In direct violation of all civilized moral codes, I am now going to attach these electrodes … to your potatoes! [does so] And then turn the crank on this field generator! Now, you ignorant bog-hopper, start singing! [turns the crank]

Prisoner: [starts singing while feeling the torture of the potatoes as if they’re his nipples] When Irish eyes are smilin’, you’re – duh-aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAHH God bless youuuuuuuuuu, and keep youuuuuuuu, Mother MacreeeEEEeee!

Soldier: I see this is getting us nowhere. You’ve forced my hand. Unless you tell me the answers to these three questions, I’m going to turn your potatoes … into French fries! [places a potato in the French fry slicer] You’ve got ten seconds! TEN, NINE, [head shot of prisoner] EIGHT, SEVEN, [close-up of the potato in the slicer] SIX, [head shot of prisoner as he shakes his head no] FIVE, FOUR, [head shot of soldier] THREE, [head shot of prisoner] TWO, ONE [close-up of the potato in the slicer] …

Prisoner: All right, all right! I’ll tell yeh. [sighs of relief]

Soldier: [walks up to prisoner] All right. One: is the bomb live or diffused? Two: what city was it mailed from? And three: when will it go off?

Prisoner: [still recovering from the shock] Live … from New York … it’s Saturday Night.

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

Plain Talk

…..Eric Idle
…..Dan Aykroyd

[ Talk show set with two chairs ]

Eric: (TO CAMERA) Ham sandwich bucket and water plastic durolects, rubber McFisheries underwear. Plug rapid emulsions seek custard without sustenance in Kipling duck geriatric scenery; maximizes press insulating devilment grunting sapphire clubs, incidentally.

But tonight, Sam, Pam, Bombay, Bermuda in diphtheria rusting McOutlinesplendor, rabid and fud-fud-phooey jog strabbedly big bowerly or rule liners, muss green gauges micturate, with nipples and tiptoe rusting machinery rustically inclined.

(TO DAN) Good evening and welcome.

Dan: Hi.

Eric: Foreskin view Mt. Everest tin tray lobotomy in England?

Dan: Saddleback, saddleback, luxury billboard kettle bum siffering snuff masticated bahzide handset lemonade enterprisingly apartheid rubberized. Um, plum joint curvaceously mucking squirrels.

Eric: I see. Rapidly piddle pop strumming Hanover peace pudding mouse drum dringly corridor cabinets, presumably.

Dan: Sick in a cup. Door jamb whisper tap sunderland shower curtain ice wall paper cups grangingly rubber king, rab buttock kissing feathers — definitely pheasantry. Daughter successfully douche dinner bottom.

Eric: Machine kissed with butter?

Dan: Machine kissed with butter.

Eric: So nail attacking butterfly clouds reputedly without I might galvanize sugar. Elbow wrenchingly heartfelt with four slain perspicaciously rattled mandibles on asinine shoestrings draw two, lot three. But a machismo whenever cobble they’re in. Good night.

Dan: Good night.

Submitted by: Dave Buddle

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

Oxxon

[ open on overhead footage of an elevated oil rig ]

[ art card: “Oxxon” ]

Announcer: This… is the biggest prop ever made for a commercial — and Oxxon paid for it. The rising cost of oil advertising is just one reason why your energy costs more. These shots are taken from a helicopter. Do you have any idea how much a helicopter like this costs to rent? And for every little film that you’re watching right now, there’s a hundred feet we didn’t use. That’s a lot of film, expensive film.

[ cut to employees working at a massive control board ]

Look at this set — very expensive. And we have to use ALL union actors, and an all union crew to shoot these things.

[ cut to the employees eating lunch in the cafeteria ]

And we’ve got to feed these people. Not just spaghetti, but meat. Just look at this guy eat!

[ cut back to the elevated oil rig ]

And don’t forget about me, the guy who narrates these things — I get paid, too. And once the commercial’s made, the cost just begins. We’ve got to pay up to $100,000 a minute just so you can see this. So, next time you complain about oil prices, turn on your TV and watch an expensive oil commercial like this one.

[ dissolve to art card: “Oxxon, Energy for a gullible America” ]

Jingle: “Energy for a gullible America”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

The Nixon Interviews

David Frost…..Eric Idle
Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd
Julie Nixon…..Gilda Radner
Pat Nixon…..Jane Curtin

[ open on talk show set, as David Frost rushes onto the stage ]

David Frost: Hello! Hello, good evening, and welcome — a joyous welcome! Thank you, super, bless you, wonderful, terrific, greatmarvelous, splendid, mmm-hmm, you’re welcome, have a nice day, thank you, god evening, and welcome! Tonight is indeed a tremendous and most unusual occasion for American television: I’M back on it! And that in itself is most welcome! — hello, good evening, thank you, call again, super to see you, mmm-hmm, you’re welcome, have a nice day, good evening! Tonight, my guest is a former President of your country, now completely pardoned by his former Vice-President for any crimes he might have committed while in office. I shal be talking to him tonight for twenty hours — completely uncensored, except for the bits we’ll cut out! Super. So let’s get right on with tonight’s guest — a man who went from a little dog called Checkers… to a little check called Plumbers! [ laughs dementedly ] Terrific. Will you welcome, please, former President — Mr. Richard Milhous Nixon!

[ Nixon appears at the top of the set, smiling and waving as he makes he makes his way down towards Frost and sits ]

David Frost: Super, good evening, super, most welcome, wonderful!

Richard Nixon: Good evening, David.

David Frost: Super. So glad you could make it, President — ex-President.

Richard Nixon: Well, it’s really nice to be here, Johnny.

David Frost: Super, terrific. May I, uh — may I perhaps begin these twenty hours of talks between you and me, first, by asking about your childhood. Do you have any, um, particularly strong childhood memories?

Richard Nixon: Well… [ he chuckles ] Of course, I — I do have some childhood memories that come back to me now and again. I remember, uh, one particular morning in April of 1921. I — I remember coming down to the kitchen, where my mother was preparing the meal that we called “breakfast”. Now, she — she’d pour dry cereal into a bowl… and then we’d pour milk on top of the cereal, and — and sometimes sugar, depending upon whether we… wanted it sweet or not. And, uh — then we’d stir the whole thing around in the bowl with our spoo-oo-oons.

[ Frost is dumbfounded by this unremarkably ordinary childhood recollection ]

David Frost: Super. Most — most — most interesting. Let’s get on with the second question now, shall we? [ he flips the pages on his clipboard ] Uh —

Richard Nixon: I can — I can remember… very clearly… uh, my father coming down in the morning, and he used to shave — he’d shave his face. Uh — now, he would shave in the bathroom, uh — this was where we went to the bathroom, of course — and, uh, he’d — he’d run hot water and cold water in the sink. Now, he would shave with hot water, and you could always tell because there were two spigots, on either side of the faucet, and the right one, you turned it on, cold water would come out. And, uh, then you’d turn the left one, and hot water would come out. Uh — and I can remember him adjusting the left one to get more hot water, because you could use the two spigots… uh… to, uh, manipulate the temperature —

David Frost: Super. Now, uh, can I move onto, now, a, uh, second question, if I may, please —

Richard Nixon: Uh — and, now, the thing was, you could run your hand under the water to see just exactly how hot or cold it was. Now, I remember my father had a little round, rubber disc —

David Frost: [ to the viewing audience ] Well, while the ex-president is talking, and so on, let me just remind you there’ll be another nineteen hours of these talks — which will be really fascinating — in which the former president will be talking at great length —

Richard Nixon: Uh — now, this was a small disc —

David Frost: Yes.

Richard Nixon: He called it a “drain plug”, and it would go right in the little hole there, in the bottom of the sink.

David Frost: Super. Yes.

Richard Nixon: Uh — now, another thing I remember, uh —

David Frost: [ to the viewing audience ] Well, it seems there’s still plenty of time before the first commercial break —

Richard Nixon: Now, these were tiles that were —

[ suddenly, Julie Nixon runs onto the set ]

Julie Nixon: Stop the tape! Stop the tape!

David Frost: Oh! Julie! Will you welcome, please — a big ol’ welcome — Julie Nixon!

Julie Nixon: Um — could you — could you please, um — could you please stop the tape? Daddy’s coming off badly.

Richard Nixon: [ surprised to see his daughter ] Hello!

David Frost: No, it’s — it’s wonderful. It’s most interesting.

Julie Nixon: No! Just stop the tape — we have a contract!

David Frost: Okay. Fine, fine. Yes, alright, we’ll, we’ll — we’ll stop the tape. Davey? Will you stop the tape? [ he winks into the camera ] Stop the tape, please? [ he nods ] Y-yes! The tape’s stopped, yes!

Julie Nixon: Is it, for sure?

David Frost: Oh, yes!

Julie Nixon: A-and you won’t have this part in, where I came in, or anything?

David Frost: Oh, no problem! This will ALL be cut out! You have my WORD as a television entertainer, that THIS bit will NOT appear on the television screens of America.

Julie Nixon: Alright. Thank you.

David Frost: Not at all.

Julie Nixon: Thank you very much.

David Frost: You’re welcome, call again, thank you, mmm-hmm, have a nice day!

Julie Nixon: Okay, go on! [ she kisses Nixon goodbye ]

Richard Nixon: Okay, Princess!

David Frost: Well, uh — former President, whilst we — whilst we cut the tape — we’re not ontelevision or recording, or anything — just between you and me — you know, just for personal interest, as we have to tlak for twenty hours together — did you, in fact, uh, were you, in fact, behind Watergate?

Richard Nixon: Well… Johnny. To be… perfectly honest and frank with you — and I’m most grateful for the money — uh — just between you and me — man to man, as it were — yes, I can tell you that, as far as Watergate is concerned, I — I was completely —

[ a loud beep suddenly covers the audio track as Nixon reveals these details to Frost, who is at first astounded by the information he’s hearing, and then quickly overjoyed ]

[ SUPER: “Temporary Audio Problem” ]

[ the screen goes black, then pulls away to be revealed as a card being held by Frost offstage ]

David Frost: Uh — hello. Uh, unfortunately, there seems to have been some kind of, uh, mysterious intereference with the tape there. We seem to have got an eighteen-minute gap — [ he chuckles ] Super! So what we’re going to do right now is put on an excerpt from one of the later shows of the twenty hours of historic talks, and this one is really most exciting. So let’s just put that on for you right away! [ he chuckles nervously ] Super.

[ Frost holds up the “Temporary Audio Problem” card again, as the screen fades to black ]

[ fade up on clapboard: “Frost-Nixon Show #47, Take 1” ]

[ Frost is asleep, as Nixon continues to ramble ]

Richard Nixon: Eh — now… I can remember one morning of 1921, in particulqr, and because my mtoher would cook breakfast — now, this consisted of a bowl of cereal… and, uh, some sugar and milk, depending on whether we wanted the cereal moist or not…

[ Frost wakes up with a start, as Nixon continues to ramble ]

Richard Nixon: Well, you’re joining us in the eighteeneth hour of these exciting talks… between myself, David Frost, and the former Richard Milhous Nixon. So far, we’ve covered most of breakfast, April 1921… and we’ll be hoping to cover the REST of Mr. Nixon’s career in the next few minutes. Before we do, Pat here has got something to show.

[ camera pulls out to reveal Pat Nixon asleep in her chair ]

David Frost: Pat? Pat, wake up!

Pat Nixon: Stop it, Phoebe…

David Frost: Pat, it’s me, uh… me, David Frost.

Pat Nixon: Oh, yes! David! Well, I have something interesting to show you, which I think your viewers will like to see.

David Frost: Super! Super! What is it?

[ she pulls up a stuffed dog ]

Pat Nixon: Checkers!

David Frost: Checkers? Super. How wonderful.

Pat Nixon: Yes. When he passed on, Richard had him stuffed. And when Richard passes on, he’s asked me if I would have him, uh —

David Frost: Stuffed??

Pat Nixon: No. Buried next to Checkers.

David Frost: Ah! Super. Yes. And this is actually Checkers?

Pat Nixon: Yes, he’s a good dog.

[ Nixon stands up and approaches the camera ]

Richard Nixon: — a little dog named Checkers. Now, this is ALL we received from Texas! A little cocker spaniel. Now, our young one — Tricia — called it Checkers. The $18,000, I don’t think the senator should spend the money —

[ Frost rises and follows behind Nixon ]

Richard Nixon: Personally —

David Frost: Mr. Nixon?

[ Nixon turns to face Frost ]

Richard Nixon: Get down on your knees and PRAY, Henry!! [ he pulls Frost down to his knees, then kneels beside him ] You — you lead the prayer!!

David Frost: Me?! Uh — oh — oh, Mighty — looks, why don’t we just have a little break right here, Richard? We’ll talk about this, we can edit this —

Richard Nixon: Henry —

David Frost: Davey, this is an edit. Just do the wide, and we can come back with the credits, alright? We’ll edit this later.

[ Nixon crawls on his knees toward Pat, whistling for Checkers ]

David Frost: Uh, you’ve been watching #47 of the Frost-Nixon interview. We’ll be back next week with another hour-and-a-half, which we hope will be dealing with events after lunch, April 1921. Until then, it’s bye from us!

[ credits roll as Nixon and Frost roll about the stage ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

Eric Idle’s Monologue

…..Eric Idle
Queen Elizabeth…..Jeanette Charles
Man in Audience…..Neil Levy
Constable Ronald Quinn…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Eric Idle!

[ Eric Idle comes down the red-carpeted basement steps, then drops to his hands and knees to roll the carpet in a zig-zag fashion toward the home Base stage ]

Eric Idle: Ladies and gentlemen — please give a very big, warm welcome, please, to the Queen of England!

[ Idle runs back toward the foot of the basement steps, as the Queen of England steps down properly. He leads her toward Home Base, then jumps into the audience to shove a man out of his chair then raise it up to the stage for the Queen to sit upon. ]

Eric Idle: Your Majesty… Ladies and gentlemen — once in a lifetime — well, maybe twice, if you’re very lucky. Once, or twice — well, even possibly three times in a lifetime. But THREE times would be just so amazing, you know? You’d think: “WOW! THREE times in a lifetime!” You know, and FOUR would be right out of the question. Never, ever! I mean, you couldn’t rule it out statistically, of course, but, uh — you couldn’t say “NEVER four times in a lifetime”, because, obviously, statistically, four times in a lifetime is a distinct possibility. But anything above, say, four… or five times in a — start again! TWENTY TIMES in a lifetime, or so…

You are privy enough to be fortunate to be present in something so splendid, so majestic, so worthwhile… you’ll feel REALLY proud. And tonight… isn’t one of those occasions. But we are pretty thrilled to welcome TO “Saturday Night”… her majesty, The Queen. This is the first time a REAL queen has been on the show — with the exception of some of the musicians.

You know, there’s one thing we English have always loved, above all of you Americans, and that is… your money. We have a thousand-year history… you have the money. We have the literature, the poetry, the traditions… you have the money. We have the buildings, the paintings, the gardens, the palaces… you have the money. And that’s why we are here tonigt. We are going to hold a telethon for England. If you wish to plesdge money for England, an ancient charity, here is the number to ring: 555-1066.

[ SUPER: “Save Great Britain, 555-1066” ]

Eric Idle: Incidentally, the English language was, in fact, invented in England. These very worlds I’m saying to you now: “These very words I’m saying to you now” — these are all examples of words WE made up… in England… for you. Of course, a lot of them were made up by people who are dead now… but they’re still GOOD words, and you’ve been using them for a VERY long time, and… without paying any royalties. So we need your money — please call up 555-1066.

One or two apologies: the Beatles couldn’t be here. Uh, but we DO have one of the Rutles, and Clive Davis has pledged $20 if we mention his name. Thank you, Clive, we’ll take that. Could we see that?

[ Idle turns to look at the “Save Great Britain” pledge board on the back wall, as the numbers begin to spin ]

Eric Idle: There we go!

[ the spinning numbers stop on 000000020 ]

Eric Idle: Well… there’s the first bit of money that starts the ball rolling! We shall have several fundraising bits later on. At about 11:15, there will be a Smell-alike competition, where we shall introduce people who smell remarkably like other famous people, like Barbra Stresiadn, Johnny Carson, and so. If you feel that you or your friends smell like anyone famous — uh, say, like Truman Capote or Nelson Rockefeller — here’s the number to ring into: 555-1066.

And, throughout the evening, there is a Kick a Canadian competition, where volunteers from Canada in national dress, have agreed to be kicked for charity. And I’m going to ask her Majesty right now if she will formaly open this event. Could we have the Canadian, please?

[ a constable enters the stage and walks forward ]

Eric Idle: This is Constable Ronald Quinn from Toronto.

[ Quinn salutes, as Idle motions for the queen to rise ]

[ The Queen shakes Quinn’s hand, curtsies, then stands before Quin and kicks him in the groin ]

[ The Queen returns to her seat, as Quinn salutes and slowly collapses from the pain ]

Eric Idle: Members of the audience who wish to kick the Canadian for a dollar for England, please come forward during the rest. Also, keep those pledges coming in, and we will be right back after this message!

[ Idle proceeds to kick Quinn across Home Base, as we fade ]

SNL Transcripts