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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 17

76q: Jack Burns / Santana

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Jane seated at newsdesk leaning over toward a cardboard cutout of Harry Reasoner ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: I think you know what I’m talking about, Harry. You’ve gotta forget her — it’s futile! That woman will stop at nothing. So she makes more money than you do? You have the credibility and can pronounce your R’s. You’re not getting any younger, you know. And I understand you. Join me here at “Weekend Update” — I will be your co-anchorperson, and I will also be your companion. I know what it takes to make a man happy. Have you ever heard of the, uh… Yokahama Rope Trick, Harry? Oh. Well, then… how about the, uh… Embrace with a Bin of Badgers? Come on, Harry — what do you say?

[ Jane pulls a switch behind the cutout, moving Reasoner’s lips as she syncs for him ]

Cutout: I’ll think about it, Jane.

Jane Curtin: I know you’ll make the right decision, Harry.

[ Jane holds an orgasmic pose, collects her news sheets, then turns to the forst Chromakey image ]

Our top story tonight: At a news conference today, David Frost called his first interview with Ex-President Richard Nixon both candid and revealing. Frost said that Nixon admitted his involvement in Watergate, conceded that Alger Hiss was innocent, apologized for bombing Cambodia, documented Bebe Roso’s underworld connections, and, at one point, actually fell to his knees begging forgiveness from the American people for his crimes. [ audience cheers ] “Unfortunately,” added Frost, “the videotape with this portion of the interview was stolen by Daniel Ellsburg’s psychiatrist.”

Well, the loser of the Jimmy Carter Look-Alike Contest was flown to Washington this week to meet the President. From here, he’ll be flown to Israel, where he also lost the Golda Meir Look-Alike Contest.

Polish movie director Roman Polanski announced plans yesterday to film a remake of Louisa May Alcott’s “Little Women”. [ she blows a raspberry ]

According to a book published this week, not only did George Washington have wooden teeth, but America’s first president also had a wooden eye, a wooden leg, four wooden toes, a wooden wrist, a wooden spleen, and a wooden prostate gland. In fact, he was the rowboat that crossed Delaware!

Don’t you love history?

Well, the 36-member assassination committee investigating the assassinations of John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King, was itself assassinated this week. The committee was rushed to Bethesda Naval Hospital, where it died at 2:02, 2:09, 2:17, 2:41, 3:38, and 5:23.

[ image: two pug dogs ] Karl Malden and Ernest Borgnine will co-star in a new adventure series next season on NBC TV. The two stars, shown here dining in Beverly Hills, said they look forward to working together for a long time.

Still to come: Dr. Rene Richards describes her operation. After this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for Leech-Tab 100 ]

[ dissolve back to newsdesk ]

Jane Curtin: A “Weekend Update” correction: Last week, we inadvertently reported that California State legislature had changed the state’s name to “Willie Mays”. Well, we stand corrected. What we meant to say was that Queen Elizabeth II was dtusying electrolysis in her spare time.

More on that assassination committee: 7:55, 8:06, and 11:34.

[ Jane turns to a side camera, then returns to the main camera ]

Well, next Monday is Oscar night, and for those of you who are impatient for the results, as we were, we have them! You see, Price Watergouse, the accounting firm that tallies the Academy’s votes, is right here in our building, and one of our writers happened to be walking past their office, and… [ she chuckles ] You know how they say they guard the results — all that security and secrecy. Well, the door was wide open, and some of the envelopes were sitting right there! So we took them. And we do have the results for you right now:

For Best Actor: Sylvester Stallone!

Best Actress: Faye Dunaway, for “Network.

And Best Movie: “All The President’s Men”.

To all the directors, we’re sorry. We couldn’t find your envelope. And to all you viewers, enjoy the show Monday. But you’ll find out that we were right!

Jane Curtin: At a Washington press conference this week, Secretary of Agriculture Bob Birdwin(?) discussed milk price supports. When asked what he thought of President Carter’s decision to raise prices, Birdwin blew his nose in a Dixie cup.

And our final story tonight is a touching one, as Iceberg, the popular polar bear in the London Zoo, gave birth this week to a baby who was named Snowflake by the keepers. It was the 67,000th such birth in captivity, and of no importance to anyone whatsoever!

Jane Curtin: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 17

76q: Jack Burns / Santana

Executive Suicide

Mr. Ross … Jack Burns
Sherry … Laraine Newman
Barry Spats … John Belushi
Policeman #1 … Bill Murray
Policeman #2 … Garrett Morris
Tom Sussman … Dan Aykroyd
Lois … Jane Curtin
Mistress … Gilda Radner

[Wealthy executive Mr. Ross sits at his desk in afancy skyscraper office high above the city. He speaksinto his intercom.]

Mr. Ross: Uh, Sherry, can you – can you comein, please, and, uh, bring your – bring your pad withyou?

[Sherry, a daffy blonde receptionist, with a thickCalifornia accent, enters.]

Sherry: Hi, Mr. Ross! Just look at this bosspen I got from a deaf and dumb person who came to thereception desk! It only cost me six dollars! You know,that seemed like a lot of money for a pen but hetalked me into it.

Mr. Ross: [rises] Well, uh, Sherry, will you -will you take a letter, please?

Sherry: [sits at desk] For sure.

[Mr. Ross opens the office window that looks out onthe city skyline, traffic noises drift in from thestreet below.]

Mr. Ross: [dictates, to Sherry] Uh, to, uh, towhom – to whom it may–

Sherry: Oh, damn it! Wait a second. This pendoesn’t work! [shakes the pen] Guy, my friend told meyou can get it to work if you shake it like this. Shesaid it had something to do with Kahoutec. Oh, it’sworking now.

Mr. Ross: Okay, dear.

Sherry: Okay.

Mr. Ross: Uh, to whom it may concern: My, uh,business has gone bankrupt. Fran has left me. I havenothing to live for. So, good-bye forever.

[Mr. Ross leaps up on the window sill and prepares tojump but before he can:]

Sherry: Okay, you want me to read that back toyou, Mr. Ross?

Mr. Ross: [looks back at Sherry] Yeah, okay.[climbs down from sill]

Sherry: Okay. [reads] “To whom it may concern:My business is bankrupt. Fran has left me. So,good-bye forever.”

Mr. Ross: Oh. Uh, make that: “Good-bye forever,good-bye.”

Sherry: [writing] “Good-bye forever,good-bye.”

Mr. Ross: Yeah. Now, would you send out somecopies to my, uh, attorney, my accountant and to theMorgan Trust Company, who is in charge of my estate,and, by the way, would you please cancel my threeo’clock appointment with Barry Spats? Allright?

Sherry: [looks at him, seriously] Mr. Ross. Ithink I know what you need. A nice hot cup of freshcoffee.

Mr. Ross: Uh, no, dear, I’m gonna kill myself.Heh, see?

Sherry: Oh. Well, can I get one?

Mr. Ross: Er, sure, yeah, okay.

Sherry: Thanks.

[Sherry rises and exits. Mr. Ross watches her go,shakes his head, returns to the window, peers down atthe street below. He sees a large fish tank next tothe window, thinks it over, nods, holds his breath,and then plunges his face into the tank, trying todrown himself. Sherry re-enters with a coffee mug andsees Mr. Ross at the fish tank. She crosses to him andtaps him on the shoulder.]

Sherry: Mr. Ross? Mr. Ross?! [pulls him out ofthe tank]

Mr. Ross: [dripping wet, impatient] What is it,Sherry?

Sherry: Look. I know you’re super-preoccupiedand everything but, like, I’d really like the rest ofthe day off. You see, my boyfriend Brad is flying infrom L.A. and he’s rully, rully pissed at me’cause he found out that I went to the Eagles concertwith this guy Greg, who’s rully gay but thatdoesn’t matter to Bra-ad — and, like, I told himthat I rully need some space and that he doesn’t ownme. Don’t you agree, Mr. Ross?

Mr. Ross: I can’t – I can’t – I can’t take itany more, honey. I’m sorry, I’m going! [leaps on tothe window sill]

Sherry: Oh, Mr. Ross! Don’t jump!

[Mr. Ross jumps out the window and screams as iffalling many stories but, in fact, he remains in viewjust outside the window. He turns around and looksdown to see that he is still standing. Laraine Newman,playing Sherry, breaks character.]

Laraine Newman: [dry sarcasm, to host JackBurns who has been playing Mr. Ross] Great leap, Jack.[disgusted, she removes her blonde wig]

Jack Burns: [also breaking character] Um, wha-wha- what happened?

Laraine Newman: Well, that was a realconvincing jump. I mean, this is supposed to be askyscraper, you know, we’re supposed to be high abovethe ground and– You were supposed to duck!

Jack Burns: Well, why didn’t somebody tell me?I read the script. It just said jump. It didn’t sayanything about ducking. I mean, it’s– I – I didn’tknow that, you know, uh, Laraine. I–

[John Belushi, playing hip businessman Barry Spats,wearing blue suit and tinted sunglasses, burstsin.]

Barry Spats: Hi! How do you do?! I’m BarrySpats! I believe I have a three o’clock appointmentwith Mr. Ross! Hey!

Laraine Newman: John. Skip the lines. Jackforgot to jump, er, duck.

John Belushi: [instantly breaks character andscreams at an embarrassed Jack Burns] GREAT, JACK!NICE GOIN’! I HAD A BIG SPEECH I WAS SUPPOSED TO DOHERE, JACK!

[Sirens wail.]

Laraine Newman: [to Jack Burns] Hey! Hear thosesirens? That’s supposed to be the ambulance thatarrives too late to save you!

Jack Burns: Well, uh, couldn’t we do it over?I’m willing to do it over again–

[Two uniformed policemen, played by Bill Murray andGarrett Morris, enter.]

Policeman #1: Hey, uh, a witness said that theysaw a man jump out of this window!

Policeman #2: Yeah, can you identify him forus? What’s the victim’s name?

Laraine Newman: Drop it, guys.

Policeman #1: [confused] Huh?

Jack Burns: [waves shyly] Hi, Garrett, Bill.

Bill Murray: [breaks character, annoyed] Nicework, Jack. What the HELL are you doing standingup?

[Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin, playing Tom Sussman, ajournalist in a trench coat, and his photographer,Lois, burst in.]

Tom Sussman: Okay! Hold it, everybody! Uh, TomSussman, Daily News! Get pictures of everything, Lois!This is gonna be a great story! “Wealthy Exec GetsDepressed – Wife Leaves Him – He Takes thePlunge!”

Laraine Newman: Dan! Jane.

[The rest of the cast points or nods in Jack Burns’direction. Dan Aykroyd sees him and breakscharacter.]

Dan Aykroyd: Oh.

Jack Burns: I – I sort of feel responsible forthis, Dan. You see, what–

[Gilda Radner as Mr. Ross’ mistress entersdramatically, screaming horribly, eyes shut tight,clutching her hands to her head. Applause for herentrance.]

Mistress: I just saw him lying on the sidewalk!Oh, my God! I was his mistress! We meet on a weekendin Tahiti at Club Med! It was beautiful and we weregonna work it out! But I came to tell him it was over!I feel terrible!

John Belushi: You feel terrible? How do youthink I feel? I miss out on a chance of giving my bigspeech! [disappointed] Oh, God. [off Jack Burns]Because Mr. Improv over here didn’t know how to DUCK![to Jack Burns] ISN’T THAT RIGHT?!

Jack Burns: [quietly] That’s right. I didn’tknow it was in the script.

[Uniformed Boy Scout, carrying flag that reads TROOP35, enters.]

Boy Scout: He was – he was my troop leader.Does this mean the hike is off?

[Disgusted, the cast members begin grumbling andleaving the set.]

Laraine Newman: Oh, let’s get out ofhere.

Gilda Radner: Come on.

John Belushi: Give me a break. How about Mr.Realism over here?

Laraine Newman: You’re on your own,Jack.

John Belushi: Take care.

Bill Murray: Sweet workin’ with ya,Jack!

[The cast exits. Alone on the set, still standingoutside the window, Jack Burns smiles apologeticallyto the camera.]

Jack Burns: I – I – I feel kind of humiliated,you know, fouling the sketch up like this. I did try.I mean, I – I – I’ve been trying all week, uh, I wastrying to get in shape for the show mentally as wellas physically and, uh–

[Burns goes on to introduce a film by GaryWeis.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 17

76q: Jack Burns / Santana

The Story of the Squatters

Head Squatter…..John Belushi
Squatter 1…..Dan Aykroyd
Squatter 2…..Bill Murray
Ma…..Jane Curtin
Squaw…..Gilda Radner
Runaway Slave…..Garrett Morris
Colonel George Hall…..Jack Burns
Other Squatters…..Laraine Newman, Anne Beatts, Tom Davis, Jim Downey, Al Franken, Mitchell Laurance, Neil Levy, Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Tom Schiller, Rosie Shuster, Alan Zweibel
Modern-Day Couple…..Al Franken, Rosie Shuster
Sons…..Jim Downey, Tom Davis

Announcer: [ over scroll ]
“The Squatters.”

“Dare we forget the contributions made by these rugged pioneers? As the West opened up in the early 1800’s, the Squatters crossed the uncharted frontier to settle on land they did not own. The journey West was grueling and dangerous. Hardships were many; pleasures, few. But the Squatters moved on toward their dream of finding a home.”

[ reveal three men squatting on their haunches, drawing a makeshift map in the dirt ]

Head Squatter: Okay. Okay, the mountains are over here… the river, over here. I say we go… THAT way! [ he points stage right ]

Squatter 1: Looks good to me.

Squatter 2: Me, too.

Head Squatter: OKAY, EVERYBODY!!! LET’S GOOOOO!!!!

[ the three men turn on their haunches and waddle toward stage right without rising. A group of fellow settlers, also squatting on their haunches, follow close behind. ]

[ title card ]

Announcer: These are the Squatters. And this is their story.

Announcer: [ over scroll ]
“From 1790 to 1840, the prairies were dotted with trains of Squatters, relentless in their quest for that piece of land on which to squat.”

[ the group stops at one point to rest ]

Squatter 1: Boy, am I tired.

Squatter 2: Yeah, my knees are killing me!

Head Squatter: Mine, too. Well… looks like as good a place as any.

Squatter 1: Let’s stop here.

Head Squatter: Sounds good to me. OKAY, EVERYBODY!!! THIS… IS… THE PLACE!!!

[ the group cheers ]

Head Squatter: LET’S GO TO WORK!!!

[ they begin setting up ]

Announcer: [ over scroll ]
“And so, the Squatters found their piece of land. They worked hard; tilling the soil, and building homes, roads, bridges, and grist mills. Life was grueling and dangerous, but still the Squatters found time for fun!”

[ reveal the Squatters participating in a hoedown, then settling around to socialize with one another ]

Head Squatter: Hey! You know, Ma here is the best cook in the territory! What’s for dinner tonight, Ma?

Ma: Squab!

Head Squatter: Oh. And that vegetable — what’s that vegetable?

Ma: Squash!

Head Squatter: Uh-huh! And, uh —

[ an Indian squaw waddles forward ]

Squatter 1: Who are you?!

Squaw: Squaw!

Squatter 1: Come on! Squat on over here by me, Squaw!

[ she waddles over ]

Announcer: [ over scroll ]
“Yes, some Indians became Squatters. And so did runaway slaves…”

[ a runaway slave waddles past them ]

Head Squatter: Hey, hey, hey! You can stop running! You’ve found a home as a Squatter!

Runaway Slave: Thanks! My name… Dred Squat!

Head Squatter: Welcome, Dred! No reason you should live in squallor, when you can be a Squatter!

Announcer: [ over scroll ]
“Just when it looked as though the Squatters were over the hump, trouble once again reared its ugly head. By 1830 the railroads arrived with land grants that included Squatting ground.”

Colonel George Hall: [ enters standing tall ] Are you people Squatters?

[ the Squatters squat closer to the stranger ]

Squatter 1: Does a bear squat in the woods?

Colonel George Hall: [ squats down to their level ] I’m Colonel George Hall, United States Cavalry. I’m assigned to order you people off railroad property!

Head Squatter: You mean, you’re taking OUR land… and you’re not gonna pay us ANYTHING for it?!

Colonel George Hall: Yuo ain’t gonna get diddly-squat!

[ Colonel George Hall stands tall and exits the scene ]

Announcer: [ over scroll ]
“The spirited Squatters would not allow themselves to be stepped on, and they organized a Squatters Rights Movement!”

[ the Squatters hold protest signs: “We’re Getting Squewed!”, “Squelch the R.R.s!”, etc. ]

Squatter 1: I’ll tell ya — I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m mad!

[ everyone screams in agreement ]

Squatter 2: I say we FIGHT the railroad with GUNS!! What do you say?!

[ everyone screams in agreement ]

Squatter 1: No! No! No, you idiot! We’ll all get killed!

Squatter 2: Why, you cheap squat!

[ they erupt into a squatting fistfight ]

Head Squatter: Alright, stop it! Stop it! Let’s unite! Let’s not squabble amongst ourselves! Come on, unite! Squat! Squat! Squat!

Everyone: SQUAT!! SQUAT!! SQUAT!!

Announcer: The Squatters won their fight, and, in 1841, Congress passed the Pre-Emption Act, guaranteeing Squatters the first right to buy land upon which they squat.

[ dissolve to modern-day squatting couple over a miniature barbecue pit, as their two sons play Catch in the background ]

Announcer: And, today, descendants of the original Squatters flourish in the modern community of Squatters Heights, Kansas.

[ title card ]

Announcer: And that is the Story of the Squatters — Americans who did not stoop to conquer.

[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on excited bearded man with CAPTION: “Came Here To Deliver A Pizza” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 17

76q: Jack Burns / Santana

Marine Wedding

Chaplain … Jack Burns
Groom … Dan Aykroyd
Bride … Jane Curtin

[Below deck on a ship, a wedding ceremony is inprogress. Most of the guests wear civilian clothes butthe bride, groom, and chaplain are in Marine dressuniforms.]

Chaplain: We are gathered here today in this ship tounite this man, Sergeant Louis Boyd and, uh, thiswoman, Private Kathryn Lazetti, in holy matrimony. Letus be mindful, however, in one sense, that these twopeople are already united under the holiest of allmatrimonies, a commitment to the United StatesMarines. [the bride and groom smile and glance attheir guests] Am I right, Sergeant Boyd?

Groom: Yes, sir.

Chaplain: I can’t hear you.

Groom: Yes, sir.

Chaplain: I still can’t hear you.

Groom: Yes, sir!

Chaplain: I can’t hear you!

Groom: YES, SIR!

Chaplain: [quietly] Living within the sacred, sacredbonds of wedlock requires love, patience andconsideration on the part of both. The rewards, ofcourse, are the warmth and growing beauty which growsfrom a lifelong companionship. [suddenly yells at thebride] Right, maggot?!

Bride: Yes, sir.

Chaplain: Right, maggot?!

Bride: Yes, sir!

Chaplain: Slime?!

Bride: Yes, sir!

Chaplain: What are you?!

Bride: We are slime, sir!

Chaplain: LOUDER!

Bride: WE ARE SLIME, SIR!

Chaplain: LOUDER!

Bride: WE ARE SLIME, SIR!!!

Chaplain: [quietly] Do you… do you Sergeant Boydtake this woman, Kathryn Lazetti, to be your lawfullywedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness andhealth, for richer and poorer until the death do youpart?

Groom: [quietly] I do.

Chaplain: I can’t hear you.

Groom: I do.

Chaplain: I can’t hear you!

Groom: I do!

Chaplain: I can’t hear you!

Groom: I DO, SIR!!!

Chaplain: [quietly] And do you, do you, PrivateLazetti… [suddenly yelling] … know the categoriesof explosive mines?! Sound off! On the double!

Bride: Anti-tank! Anti-personnel! Anti-airborne! Anti-Anti-amphibious, sir!

Chaplain: And do you take this MAGGOT!,Sergeant Louis Boyd, do you take him to be yourlawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to holdin hand-to-hand assault position as in combat drillnumber A-1750?! Move!

[The bride and groom instantly perform the drill: heattacks her, she grabs his arm and throws him to theground. He quickly rises and they resume theirplaces.]

Chaplain: Do you?!

Bride: [demurely] I do.

Chaplain: [quietly] All right. I now pronounce you manand wife. [to the groom] You may now describe the 75mm recoilless rifle.

Groom: Air code, single shot, breach-loading weaponusing fixed ammunition, portable, designed to be firedfrom a machine gun tripod mount!

Chaplain: Kiss the bride.

[Groom leans over mechanically, gives bride a quicknoisy smooch, then resumes his place.]

Chaplain: Congratulations. I hope you’ll both be veryhappy and uncomfortable. Reception is on deck. Bridalcouple, wedding guests, file, single, two, move![Bride takes groom’s arm and they hustle off, thewedding guests run off after them, the chaplainscreaming at them] Move! Move it! Move, you people!Move, you slime! I HATE YOUR GUTS!!!

[After all have exited, the chaplain quietly salutesGod and mouths a thank you to Him before we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 17

76q: Jack Burns / Santana

John’s Demands

… John Belushi
… Robert Van Ry

[John Belushi stands in a kitchen set with a coffeecup, addressing the camera.]

John Belushi: Hi. I’m John Belushi. I’m just having acup of coffee before the show. It’s kind of atradition with me. [sits at kitchen table] Here atSaturday Night Live, we have another tradition thatthe show has always opened with the words, “Live fromNew York, it’s–!” Well, you know the rest. [sipscoffee] Tonight, our producer, Lorne Michaels, hasconvinced the NBC brass to let me say the words tostart tonight’s show. Now, it was no easy battle. Imean, we’ve done close to fifty shows and this is thefirst time I’ve been allowed to do the opening. Yousee, I’ve got a bad reputation around NBC as atroublemaker. The network brass think all actors arestupid. So, uh, naturally any actor who thinks forhimself or has any sort of intellect is a”troublemaker” to them. Let’s forget that now. I mean,that’s not important now.

Anyway, that– I know that my being out here alone, atthe beginning of a live show, represents a – a sacredtrust the network has bestowed upon me. Because, ofcourse, the show cannot start until I say thosewords. Right now, NBC, one of the country’s largestcorporations, with billions in assets, is waiting forme, a stupid troublemaking punk actor from Wheaton,Illinois, to open the show. [makes a fist] Well, I’vegot them where I want them. Right in the palm of myhand. [opens fist, points to palm] But, although Icould easily do it, I would never, never — Oh, what’sthe word I’m looking for? — betray thenetwork’s trust in me. I will say the words, “Livefrom New York, it’s–” you know what, when I’m ready.

[takes a paper from his pocket] I will now read a listof demands. [applause, Belushi unfolds the paper, sipscoffee] When these demands are met, I will say thewords that open the show. [looks to his left andstarts talking to someone off screen] Get back, Bobby.Now, I mean business. No, don’t try and stop me. [cutwide to reveal a bespectacled stage manager venturingonto the set, pointing to his wristwatch andwhispering to Belushi who addresses the camera] BobVan Ry, one of our stage managers, a heck of a guy.Let’s hear it for him. [Belushi leads the audienceinto applause] A nice guy. [to Van Ry who exits] Let’snot start anything, okay?

[clears throat, reads from paper] First demand.Separate showers for the male and female cast members.Now, I, myself, don’t mind showerin’ with the girlsbut I know the new kid, Bill Murray, doesn’t like it.He’s shy. The guy’s been showering with his swim -swim trunks on, y’know. It’s embarrassing. But can youblame him? Uh, my second demand. Beer for the wholecrew on work nights! [throaty cheers and applause] Mythird demand! For myself, I want nothing. But for mylovely new wife, Judy, I demand an all-expense-paidtrip for two to the next Ali-Foreman fight in Korea,plus two ringside seats.

[folds up paper, after a pause] I can wait. Hey. I’vegot all night. Watch this. “Live from New York, it’sThursday night!” Hahahahaha! Just kidding, suckers![someone off screen offers Belushi an envelope] Ah!Ooh! What’s this? [takes envelope] I knew the weaselswould back down. [opens envelope, finds letter] Oh! Hoho ho! [reads letter aloud] “Dear John, Whatever yourdemands are, they will be met.” Hey, what’d I say?”But before we discuss those demands in greaterdetail, may we say how very much we admire your actingwork. [pleased, raises an eyebrow] We enjoy all yourcharacterizations, though our favorites would have tobe your Samurai, your Brando, your Bee, your JoeCocker, your Live from New York, it’s Saturdaynight–” [SNL band kicks in, Belushi jumps up] No!Wait! Stop! Stop! It’s a trick! It’s a trick!

[But it’s too late. The show has begun. Dissolve toopening montage.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 17

76q: Jack Burns / Santana

Goodnights

…..Jack Burns

Jack Burns: Good night, everybody, thank you for watching! Good night! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 17

76q: Jack Burns / Santana

The Farbers Meet The Coneheads

Bobbi Farber … Gilda Radner
Larry Farber … John Belushi
Beldar Conehead … Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead … Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead … Laraine Newman

[The spacious living room of the Farbers, a middleclass Jewish-American couple with high-pitched, nasalvoices. Bobbi walks down the stairs to confront herhusband Larry.]

Bobbi Farber: Larry Farber!

Larry Farber: What?

Bobbi Farber: Did you use the guest towels? I mean, Ijust finished cleaning that bathroom. Our newneighbors will be over any minute.

Larry Farber: Oh, I’m sorry, honey. I’ll put out freshones.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, no, no, no, no. What time did theysay they were coming over?

Larry Farber: Gee, I talked to ’em on the phone. Itold ’em to come over for drinks about eight o’clock.

Bobbi Farber: Eight o’clock?

Larry Farber: Yeah.

Bobbi Farber: You better start the broiler or we won’thave dinner till ten. Now, how many are coming?

Larry Farber: Well, I told the whole family. Mr. andMrs. Cohen, uh, I believe, and, uh, their – theirteenage daughter.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, well, what are their first names?

Larry Farber: Gee, I forgot to ask.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, Larry, you shouldn’t– [doorbellrings] Oh, wait a minute. There they are.

Larry Farber: Okay.

[Bobbi goes to the front door and opens it to revealthe Coneheads, an extraterrestrial family from theplanet Remulak trying to fit unobtrusively into theAmerican suburbs. There are three of them: Beldar, thefather, Prymaat, the mother, and their teenageddaughter Connie. They wear ordinary American clothesbut with small silver capes tied around their necksand shoulders, speak with nasal robotic voices, andhave unnaturally large hairless heads shaped likecones.]

Beldar Conehead: Greetings!

[Cheers and applause. Weird alien music. SUPER: THEFARBERS MEET THE CONEHEADS]

Bobbi Farber: Oh, hi! Larry! It’s our new neighbors!Uh, I’m Bobbi Farber and this is my husband Larry.

Larry Farber: Hi! How are ya? You can just call me theFarb.

[The Farbers chuckle nasally as the Coneheads enter asa group and approach Larry.]

Beldar Conehead: I am Beldar. This is Prymaat andConnie. I trust we have arrived at the predesignatedtime coordinates.

Larry Farber: Well, actually, you’re a bit early butthat’s okay. Uh, look, come on in and sit down. Justdon’t put your feet on the furniture. That’s the onlyrule we have around here. Ha! Other than that, you cango crazy. [The Coneheads sit together on one sofaopposite the Farbers on another, a coffee tablebetween them] Uh, Cohen, Cohen. Is that spelled withan ‘H’?

Prymaat Conehead: Conehead. The name is Conehead.

Larry Farber: Conehead?

Connie Conehead: We come from France.

Bobbi Farber: Ohhhhh! Oh, France! Well, that explainseverything.

Larry Farber: So, uh, you think you’re gonna like yournew house?

Beldar Conehead: It will be more than adequateshelter.

Prymaat Conehead: It is also visually pleasing.

Bobbi Farber: Why was it glowing last night?

Larry Farber: Yeah, uh, well, say, how ’bout a drink?What do you say? Huh? How ’bout a drink?

Prymaat Conehead: Most certainly. We would enjoyconsuming mass quantities of any substance you have tooffer.

Connie Conehead: Yes. I dig liquids.

Bobbi Farber: [rising] Ah, well, come on… Come on,Prymaat. Come with me in the kitchen. I justremodeled.

[Prymaat rises and presses up against Bobbi – theConeheads have little understanding of “personalspace” – and the two women exit to the kitchen.]

Larry Farber: [watching them go] Very – veryattractive wife you have there. She’s quite a – quitea –

[Beldar puts an entire pack of cigarettes in his mouthand lights up with a flaming cigarette lighter.]

Larry Farber: Hey, uh, that’s another rule we’ve gothere…

[Beldar exhales smoke and lights up again.]

Larry Farber: Hey, uh, Beldar, that’s a – heh heh -that’s another rule we have around the Farberhousehold. No smoking. You know, it’s just somethingthat bothers me.

Beldar Conehead: I will comply. [puts out cigarettes]

Larry Farber: Thank you. I mean, uh, there’s nosmoking, no putting your feet on the table or — Imean, other than that, you can go nuts here.

Connie Conehead: [picks up a cube from the coffeetable] What is this cubicle object?

Larry Farber: Oh, oh, those are some pictures that,uh, we took on our trip to Disney World.

Beldar Conehead: Disney World?

Connie Conehead: Yes. A vast man-made constructionwhich duplicates human psycho-sexual experiencesthrough tension-releasing fantasy mechanisms.

Larry Farber: Yeah, that’s me on the pirate ride,here. [points]

Beldar Conehead: [to Connie] Similar to the Vactrothpods of Remulak.

Larry Farber: Yeah, Remulak, what is that? A coughmedicine?

Connie Conehead: No! It’s a small town in France.

Larry Farber: Oh. Right.

[Bobbi and Prymaat return carrying a tray of liquorand some snacks which they place on the coffee table.]

Bobbi Farber: Okay, everybody, here’s the drinks. Haveone or two. Right, you know, Larry used to be asemi-professional bartender.

Larry Farber: Aw, come on. I do it – I do it, uh,twice a year for the VFW.

[The Coneheads each grab a bottle from the tray andsit on the sofa chugging from them, to theastonishment of the Farbers.]

Bobbi Farber: [dismayed] Ohhhhh.

Larry Farber: Boy! You people sure know how to suck itback, don’t you? Where do you put it all, huh?

[Larry decides to imitate them and knocks back abottle of his own, much to Bobbi’s alarm.]

Bobbi Farber: Larry, Larry, Larry. Why – why – whydon’t you have some chips and dip? Enjoy yourselves.

[The Coneheads grab fistfuls of chips, plunge theminto the dip and start snarfing them down, fillingtheir faces, spilling crumbs everywhere.]

Bobbi Farber: Here. Watch the table. [Larry imitatesthe Coneheads to Bobbi’s dismay] Larry, Larry, stopit. [wipes crumbs off his mouth] Larry, oh, now Idon’t want you to drink too – Larry, don’t drink toomuch. You remember what happened to me last year whenI drank all that kalua and ate all those scallops.

Larry Farber: Wow, boy, did she get sick. And guesswho had to clean it up? You had to see it! Scallopsand kalua all over the bathroom floor.

[The Farbers laugh nasally, then the Coneheads jump inwith an even more nasal laugh. The Farbers just stareat them.]

Larry Farber: That was funny.

Bobbi Farber: [rises] Wow, gee, we’re still around anhour away from dinner. Why don’t we play a littleScrabble?

The Coneheads: Scrabble?

Beldar Conehead: Scrabble?

Prymaat Conehead: Scrabble?

Connie Conehead: Small rocks for paving roads?

Larry Farber: No, no. That’s gravel. [the Farbersclean off the coffee table] Um, you know, Scrabble,it’s a game. Haven’t you ever heard of Scrabble?

Connie Conehead: Do you have an instruction manual?

Bobbi Farber: Oh, yes. One second. [Bobbi gets theScrabble box]

Larry Farber: Yeah, we do. It’s written right in here.

Bobbi Farber: Here ya go. [hands Scrabble box top toConnie]

Larry Farber: Right there on the back.

[Connie speed reads the instructions to theaccompaniment of an alien sound effect, then handsthem to Beldar who does the same thing and passes theinstructions to Prymaat. When she finishes, she putsthe instructions aside and all three begin rapidlychanting “Scrabble, Scrabble, Scrabble, Scrabble” andjoin the Farbers in setting up for the game.]

Bobbi Farber: You keep score, Larry.

Larry Farber: I’ll keep score. You catch on prettyfast, you know.

Beldar Conehead: Let us commence!

Larry Farber: Okay.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, wait a minute. I have a word here.I’ll go first.

Larry Farber: Yeah?

Bobbi Farber: F-R-E-S-C-A. Fresca.

Larry Farber: Hoooold it. Hooooold it. You can’t usethat.

Bobbi Farber: Why not?

Larry Farber: ‘Cause it’s a soft drink.

Bobbi Farber: So what?

Larry Farber: [gives in] Okay.

Prymaat Conehead: S-E-B-F-A-R-G. Sebfarg.

Larry Farber: Hoooold it. Hoooold it. Now, what’s asebfarg?

Beldar Conehead: Sebfarg. One of the ten protoids.Self-reproducing fuel source used in our early starcruisers.

Prymaat Conehead: In France.

Beldar Conehead: Yes.

Larry Farber: [gives in] Okay.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, I see.

Larry Farber: [keeping score] How many ya got there?One, two ….

Connie Conehead: K-L-A-T-U. Klatu.

Larry Farber: Hey, maybe we shouldn’t play this gameif we keep using French words. I don’t know.

Bobbi Farber: Right. Larry doesn’t know French becausehe’s a salesman.

Larry Farber: Hey, I’m not a salesman any more,y’know, I got a little piece of the action now,y’know. I don’t know what your bag is, Beldar, but,uh, I’m doing pretty well right now in, uh, women’scommercial hair dryers.

The Coneheads: Hair dryers?

Larry Farber: Oh, yeah. I distribute ’em on thewholesale level.

Bobbi Farber: Oh, oh, show them, Larry.

Larry Farber: [rises] Oh, yeah, let me show ya mynewest model. [briefly exits]

Bobbi Farber: Show them. [to the Coneheads] Larry isthe best salesman in his district, really. This year,he’s done incredibly well. I’m very proud of him.

Larry Farber: [enters with a large hair dryer, thekind you find women sitting beneath in a beauty salon]Yeah, we call this one the Farm.

Bobbi Farber: Right.

[The Coneheads squeal in fear at the sight of the hairdryer which apparently resembles some sort of torturedevice for cones. They rise, move in a panic aroundthe sofa and leap through the large window in the rearof the living room. Beldar goes first, shattering theglass and disappearing from view. Then Connie. ThenPrymaat who stumbles horribly at the sill beforefinally exiting through the frame. Bobbi rises andjoins a confused Larry by the hair dryer.]

Bobbi Farber: Larry?

Larry Farber: Yes, honey?

Bobbi Farber: Do you–?

Larry Farber: Yes, honey?

Bobbi Farber: Do you think “hair dryer” meanssomething bad in French?

Larry Farber: [shrugs] I don’t know. I guess.

[Dissolve to a wider view of the set and pan over thecameras and microphones to the applauding audience inthe Studio 8H balcony. SUPER: COMING UP NEXT …ZIPCODES OF THE GODS]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 17


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 26th, 1977

Jack Burns

Santana

None

Bob Van Ry

Anne Beatts

Mitchell Laurance

Jim Downey

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Neil Levy

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Rosie Shuster

Tom Schiller

Alan Zweibel
John’s DemandsSummary: Having not been given the opportunity to open the show until now, John Belushi holds the sketch hostage and requests that a list of his demands be met before he says the opening line.

Transcript

Montage

Jack Burns’ MonologueSummary: Jack Burns fulfills the desire to touch himself on national television.

The Farbers Meet The ConeheadsSummary: Larry (John Belushi) and Bobbi Farber (Gilda Radner) invite their new neighbors, The Coneheads, over for dinner.

Recurring Characters: Larry Farber, Bobbi Farber, Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead.

Transcript

Santana performs “Black Magic Woman”

Marine WeddingSummary: Marine Sergeant Wee Boyd (Dan Aykroyd) and his bride, Private Kathleen Lizetti (Jane Curtin), endure a military wedding service.

Transcript

A Town Without PitySummary: Eliot Ness (Dan Aykroyd) is called in to take India from Indira Gandhi’s (Laraine Newman) hands, as is the will of the people

Recurring Characters: Indira Gandhi, Eliot Ness.

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Jane Curtin invites a cardboard cutout of Harry Reasoner to join her at the Weekend Update desk. Jane announces this year’s Oscar winners based on results stolen from the Price-Waterhouse accounting firm.

Transcript

Leech-Tab 100Summary: A pharmicist (Dan Aykroyd) prescribes leeches as the old-fashioned headache remedy.

The Story Of The SquattersSummary: Early American crouchers settle the frontier for their clan.

Transcript

Executive SuicideSummary: A sketch about a business executive (Jack Burns) who commits suicide is ruined when Jack Burns forgets to duck after jumping through the window.

Recurring Characters: Sherry.

Transcript

Jack Burns is RockySummary: Jack Burns trains to be like “Rocky”, in a film by Gary Weis.

Ask Big DaddySummary: As a follow-up to “Ask President Carter”, Walter Cronkite (Bill Murray) interviews Idi Amin (Garrett Morris), who is quiet about a recent massacre.

Recurring Characters: Walter Cronkite, Idi Amin.

MirageSummary: In a short film, a vending machine appears in the desert.

PantygramsSummary: Richardo Montalban (Dan Aykroyd) endorses the underwear message service.

Recurring Characters: Richardo Montalban.

Santana performs “Europa”

Drunk Comedy WriterSummary: Gilda Radner and Jane Curtin meet washed-up comedy writer Gags Beasley (Jack Burns) in a bar, and listen to some of his stale jokes.

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Goodbye Saccharine

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Cheryl Hardwick, Paul Shaffer

Rhonda Weiss … Gilda Radner
Rhondette #1 … Jane Curtin
Rhondette #2 … Laraine Newman
Rhondette #3 … Linda Ronstadt

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, SaturdayNight is proud to present Rhonda Weiss and theRhondettes!

[Music begins. Applause for Rhonda Weiss andRhondettes, a sixties-era girl group whose lead singeris Jewish-American Princess Rhonda Weiss who wears apink gown and holds a hand mike. The Rhondettes arethree backing vocalists who have identical blackhairstyles, wear black gowns and carry purses whilestanding in front of microphones at Home Base before aglittering curtain. The Rhondettes apply make-up andsing their backing vocals behind Rhonda:]

Rhonda: [sings]
They say you gave rats cancer
And I say that can’t be true
Because you’re just so very sweet
That’s something you’d never do
I love you, I needed you
We had a fine relation
Till last week when it was ruined by the Food and DrugAdministration
[sings the refrain]
And I can look everywhere from Arkansas to Akron…

Rhondettes: … but, sugar …

Rhonda: … there’s no sugar substitute tosubstitute for saccharin!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: Goodbye, sacc-ha-rine!

Rhondettes: Bye bye!

Rhonda: [spoken] Goodbye, saccharin! Uh!
[sings]
When I had my first taste of you
And you stopped my teenage sobbin’s
By showing me there was a big, wide world
Outside of Baskin and Robbins

Rhondettes: [pull ice cream cones out ofpurses, lick them] Robbins!

[As the music continues, Rhonda and Rhondette #1 havea spoken interlude:]

Rhondette #1: So what did you weigh in college?

Rhonda: I went up and down.

Rhondette #1: Like, around what?

Rhonda: Between one-fifteen andone-twenty-five.

Rhondette #1: Closer to one-fifteen orone-twenty-five?

Rhonda: Between, like, one-twenty-three andone-twenty-five.

Rhondette #1: Like, around one-twenty-four?

Rhonda: [annoyed] Bitch!

[Cheers and applause distract Rhonda who forgets tosing the opening lines of the next verse but theomitted lyrics are shown here in brackets:]

Rhonda: [sings]
[We have been together ever since
You gave me my] first chance
To wear my clothes without imprintin’ in my skin
The elastic from my underpants

Rhondettes: [pull panties out of purses, wavethem] Underpants!

Rhonda:
But they don’t care about the fact
That, since you’ve been around,
You’re the only reason I can zip my jeans
Without lyin’ down!

Rhondettes: [spoken] There’s nothin’ you cando!

Rhonda: [spoken] That’s not true!
Imagine: I step into my car,
Drive a little too fast to the market,
I’m panicked, it’s rainin’ real hard
And I can’t find a place to park it.
But, finally, exhausted, I race from the store. Itfeels really far.
And pile everything they have that contains artificialsweetener
In the front seat of my car.
Then I squeeze in and pull out,
Headin’ for the next food place.
Too bad I didn’t see the Good Humor truck
Comin’ straight at me before the case of Tab slidacross my face!

[Sound effects: tires squeal, automobilecrashes]

Rhondette #2: [spoken] Have ya got insurance?!Have ya got insurance?! Have ya gotinsurance?!

Rhonda: [spoken] Watch me die!

Rhondettes: [singing sadly]
Oooo ah oooh
Oooo ah oooh

Rhonda: [sings]
And the truth is, that’s what happened
Last Friday night at seven [church bellstoll]

Rhondettes: [singing sadly]
Oooo ah oooh
Oooo ah oooh

Rhonda: [sings]
Now saccharin and I will be together forever
In low-calorie Heaven!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: You left a bad taste in mymouth!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: But you kept my seams frombusting!

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: Without you in my life …

Rhondettes: Saccharin!

Rhonda: … my body would be absolutelydisgusting!
[sings the refrain]
And I can look everywhere from Arkansas to Akron…

Rhondettes: … but, sugar …

Rhonda: … there’s no sugar substitute tosubstitute for saccharin!
[spoken]
But I’ll be thin forever and maybe you should tryit
Just do what I’ve done and go on the Car Crashdiet!
Goodbye, Akron! Hello, saccharin!

[Song ends. Cheers and applause.]

Rhonda: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thankyou! And, now – and now, everybody, everybody, I’dlike to introduce the Rhondettes! Jane Curtin fromBoston! [cheers and applause] Laraine Newman fromL.A.! And, finally, Linda Ronstadt from the PlazaHotel! [louder cheers and applause] Thank you. And,now, ladies and gentlemen …

Rhonda and the Rhondettes: Live from New York,it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 16

76p: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm & The RCO All-Stars, The Meters

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
…..Garrett Morris
…..John Belushi

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [ smiling ] Good evening! [ a beat ] I’m wearing… black mesh stockings… and studded leather boots with eight-inch spiked heels… and a garter belt…

[ Jane looks offscreen with admiration as a male audience member whistles at her descriptions ]

Of course, you’ve all seen my bra… [ she leans in ] but let’s talk about my panties for one second: they’re mesh — black mesh string bikini. I love them. You would, too. I wish I had them on right now! They’re in my laundry basket — at home. Therefore… under this suit… [ she hesitates ] You get the picture…

Our top story tonight: 19-month old Jason Carter, grandson of the President, was busted today by Washington police, locked up and charged with leaking classified materials on the White House front lawn. Young Carter faces up to twenty years of toilet-training at a federal institution.

First-Lady Rosalyn Carter, last Friday, formally unveiled the new official portrait of the President’s painting, on commission by artist Villam Cacouna.

And, in a heartwarming gesture of show buisness, comedian Bob Hope has donated his brain to Lucille Ball. Posing for this picture, just after the transplant operation, Lucy said, “I feel much funnier already!” Mr. Hope said nothing.

Jane Curtin: And now, “Weekend Update” reporter Garrett Morris reports on the Black Governors Conference, being held in the Americana Hotel in New York. Come in, Garrett.

[ cut to Garrett standing in front of an empty conference hall ]

Garrett Morris: This is the second day of the third annual Black Governors Conference. The expected showdown between the conservatives and liberal Black governors has NOT materialized because of the fact that, for the third year in a row, no one has shown up. Now, I’m told that this is due to the fact that there are no Black governors… in… the United States.

[ Garrett shifts his eyes, thinking ]

You couldn’t find a Black governor in the United States if my LIFE depended on it! I mean — I mean, I thought this was Laraine Newman’s thing. You know, uh, Jane? Showing up where nothing’s happening? Just because I’m Black, you know, doesn’t mean you can pull that stuff on me, too! You know, I’ve got friends! I’ll get Alex Haley… to cancel your roots! Honky!

This is Garrett Morris, at the Americana Hotel. Signing off.

[ cut back to Jane, smiling ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Garrett! We all wondered when you’d catch on to our little joke! Have fun next week, when we send you to the conference on Black Popes!

Sources in Hollywood say that film director Roman Polanski has announced he’s quitting the movie business and will open a babysitting service.

In a surprise move this week, Idi Amin has stepped down as President of Uganda to fulfill a dream he’s had since childhood. That is, become a member of the Harlem Globetrotters.
[ Harlem Globetrotters theme music plays over still footage of Amin at a basketball court ]
More on Meadowlark Amin as the season progresses.

Well, the movie “Earthquake” opened in Malaysia this week. Unfortunately, a careless projectionist turned up the SensaRound a bit too much, killing thousands and leaving untold millions homeless.

Still to come: beekeepers hold Black man hostage, after this message.

[ cut to repeat of “Puppy Uppers / Doggie Downers” ]

[ return to Jane at the newsdesk ]

Jane Curtin: This just in: [ speedily ] In Brooklyn, a man walks into a psychiatrist’s office, says, “Doctor, Doctor! No one will talk to me!” The doctor says, “Next?” [ she chuckles heartily ] God, that new writer is just terrific!

And now, because of St. Patrick’s Day, Mr. John Belushi is here to discuss the luck of the Irish.

John Belushi: Thank you, thank you very much. Well it’s come that time again, St. Patrick’s Day has come and gone and well the sons of Ireland are basking in the glow. When I think of Ireland I think a lot of colorful Irish expressions like, “Top of the morning to ya,” “Kiss the barney stone,” “May the road rise to meet ya,” “May you be in heaven an hour before the devil knows you’re dead,” “I’d like to smash you in the face with my shalalee,” “Danny-boy,” “Bhagora,” “Wail of the banshee,” and “Whiskey for the leprechauns, whisky for the leprechauns.” But the expression I think most people identify with the Irish, is, of course, the luck of the Irish.

The luck of the Irish. Sure. Let’s say you’re in a pub somewhere in Ireland, oh, anywhere in Ireland, some guy comes up to you and says, “Hey is that a bomb on you I hear ticking?” And then BAM!!! Your small intestines are on the ceiling and your brains are on your car across the street. That’s the luck of the Irish for ya, who’s kidding who, okay?

Let’s talk about the bad luck of the Irish, all right? How about this, POTATO FAMINE!! How about that? It scares them, doesn’t it? Well it should. That’s why they came here in the first place. So they wouldn’t have to work in the potato fields. That’s why they became politicians, priests, and cops. Luck? Gimme a break.

I got a friend, his name is Dan Sullivan, he’s Irish as they come. We used to drink together a lot. After two drinks, he would look like an Irish pirate. You know? You think he had luck? In one day he got his car stolen, and the stupid, he had no insurance, and no license, and he gets locked up for being drunk. And after that, he takes off for someplace like India or Nepal, or someplace like that. And his mother dies, ya know, so they wire him to tell him to come to the funeral. It’s his mother’s funeral, that’s all. And he’s in India or Nepal, sitting squat-legged listening to some sacred cow. So he comes back and he gets stopped at U.S. Customs for trafficking illegal drugs, not holding, he’s trafficking. I mean, here’s this guy Sullivan, his old lady kicks off, he gets popped at the border and he’s sitting on fifty pounds of black Tibetan finger hash and two keys of slam. Now that’s not bad luck, that’s DUMB luck. I don’t think luck has anything to do with it, I don’t think he has any brains at all. First of all, he’s drunk, then he’s a junkie. I don’t know what’s worse. Don’t ask me, ask Sullivan. And what happens? He calls me up and says, “Hey man, I got busted at the border. I need five grand bail.” I said, I said, “Five grand man!? Hey man, I’ve never even seen five thousand dollars in my life, so don’t ask me for it, man, why don’t you ask your mother!!” Which was a dumb thing for me to say because his mother just died. Right now, I got this drunken Irish junkie who wants to kill me because of what I said about his mother being in terminal dreamland. Oh pal. One thing! One thing!!! They love their mothers, boy, oh they love their mothers. It’s momma this, momma that. Oh my Irish mother! Ireland must be heaven, because my mother.. aauugghhh! Aaauugghhh!!!

Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts