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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman
Mohammed Ali…..Garrett Morris
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And, now, “Weekend Update with Jane Cutin”.

Jane Curtin: Before we begin, let me just say that many of you have written in, asking if that noise you hear is a real teletype machine or just a sound effect. Thank you for asking, we appreciate your concern.

Our top story tonight: Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt, out of jail, pending his obscenity charge, this week hired the New York Yankees for a centerfold spread in his magazine. Members of the ball club, shown rehearsing for the upcoming photo session, say it’s the biggest thing to hit baseball since the suicide squeeze, demonstrated here.

In a sudden policy shift, The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson will not be broadcast live, starting next week, as previously announced. The decision was based on California’s new euthanasia law, which states that: “A program does not have to be kept alive by artificial means, and has the right to a dignified death.”

In a surprise annoucement this week, Lillian Carter said that she will marry heavyweight wrestler Gorilla Kowalski. The 78-year old presidential mother said that she and Kowalski met when she visited his training camp in Georgia, where they wresled for photographers. Said Miss Lillian, “I beat him, 2 out of 3 falls, and he prposed on the spot. Kowalski, who was previously married to Elenour Roosevelt, Bess Truman, Mamie eisenhower, and Rose Kennedy, said, “I just can’t stay away from very old ladies who are related to Presidents.” “Weekend Update” wishes the couple all the best.

French officials, still concerned over recent airplane hijackings, stepped up their airplane surveillance procedures this week, and converted the Arce de Triomphe into a very large metal detector. Passengers are shown here being screened here for a Concord flight to Rio de Jenairo.
[ a line of passengers slide through the Arce as a buzzer goes off ]

The Food and Drug Administration released a reprot this week that says that 3 out of 4 dentists recommend sugar-coated gum for their patients who fear cancer.

And, in a related story, the Food and Drug Administration has announced that in addition to saccharine, it is also placing a ban on Florence Henderson and David Hartman, effective in July.

Jane Curtin: And now, with a special remote, we take you live to correspondent Laraine Newman.

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing next to a swaggering Mohammed Ali ]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing here with Mohammed Ali, the heavyweight champ of the world. Recently, he saw the movie “Rocky”, and the champ has some “words” about it.

Muhammed Ali: [ melodically ]
“Yeah! I am the champ of the world
To all, this is known!
Now, let’s talk about this turkey —
Sylvester Stallone!
To go make a movie,
and call the champ “Rocky” —
Some call it genius,
but I calls it cocky!
So I decided to mount a counterattack
I’m gonna write, produce, direct, and act
in “On the Waterfront”, but I’ll remake it in black!
So even Marlon Brando better step back
As I portray the young Irish boy,
known to the world, as Terry Malloy!”

Laraine Newman: [ melodically ]
“Well, then, Mohammed, I guess you might say
That a Black, Irish Muslim is what you’ll portray.
And, as you’re the champ at all you do,I know you’ll be Champ, at acting, too.

Mohammed Ali: [ melodically ]
Heey, I been training real hard, and when my training is through
I’ll tell you EXACTLY what I’m gonna do!
I’m gonna WHOMP Fred Williamson!
And then I’m gonna WHOMP O.J. Simpson!
Levoy Bordon [?], he just came out
I’m gonna watch him, see what he’s about,
then I’m gonna WHOMP him, too
before I’m through!
Yeah!
But, right now, I’m casting this movie, uh, ’cause it’s close to my heart,
And I need a woman to play a special part.
Uh, she is, uh, gonna play the girlfriend, so she’s gotta be right,
’cause, as you remember, the girlfriend was white.”

Laraine Newman: [ melodically ]
“Well, I’ve always wondered how it would be
to be stung by a butterfly who floats like a bee.”

This is Laraine Newman… signing off. Back to you, Jane.

[ cut back to Jane at the newsdesk ]

Jane Curtin: A correction to a story, recently reported on “Weekend Update”. Last week, we inadvertently reported that the Muslim prophet Muhammed is a brand of chocolate pudding. Well, we stand corrected! What we meant to say, wad that the soundwaves from the Concorde SST cause childrens’ sex glands to mature at the age of 3.

Margaret Trudeau, wife of the Candian Prime Minister, Pierre Eliot, Trudeau, this week, denied that she was having an affair with Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones. Jagger also denied the rumor, reportedly saying he hasn’t fooled around with a Canadian since he played with Guy Lombardo’s horns some fifteen years ago.

Jane Curtin: And now, with tonight’s commentary, is “Update” correspondent Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: [ peeking into frame before the full pullback ] Why, thank you, Jane!

Jane Curtin: [ sharply ] I can’t wait to hear this “gem”.

Emily Litella: What’s all this FUSS I keep hearing… about endangered feces? Now, that’s outrageous!! Why — why are FECES endangered?! How can you POSSIBLY run out of such a thing?! Why — why, just look around you, you can see it ALL OVER the place!! Besides, who wants to SAVE THAT, anyway?! My goodness, where would we KEEP it?! It’s DANGEROUS, especially in the Summer!! Then — then, it could REALLY hit the fan!!

[ Emily begins to laugh, unable to stop, as Jane gives her a dirty look ]

Jane Curtin: What’s so funny?

Emily Litella: Ohhh… oh, my joke! [ she continues to laugh for a moment ] Oh, come on, Miss Curtin, didn’t you ever hear that one about “hitting the fan”? [ Jane remains silently annoyed ] Oh, come on, you old shiksa! Where have you been?

Jane Curtin: Species.

Emily Litella: What’s that?

Jane Curtin: Species! The list of endangered species! Not feces — species@

Emily Litella: Ohhhh! I-I-I must have gotten carried away. [ turns to the camera and smiles ] Never mind!

[ the audience applauds ]

Jane Curtin: It’s wearing thin, Emily.

Emily Litella: What is?

Jane Curtin: The “Never mind” thing. You’ve been doing it for close to two years. At first it was cute, then it was tolerable; now it’s annoying.

Emily Litella: Oh, I’m sorry that you feel that way.

Jane Curtin: You’re ruining “Update”‘s responsibility as a credible journalist.

Emily Litella: Oh, my goodness, I — Miss Curtin, I wouldn’t want to do anything like that.

Jane Curtin: I’m sure you wouldn’t. [ smiles maliciously ] So, why don’t you just quit “Update” and try your hand at something else? We can get along fine without you!

Emily Litella: Perhaps you could — bitch!

Jane Curtin: [ stung once more, faces the camera ] That’s our news for tonight. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Sissy Spacek’s Monologue

…..Sissy Spacek

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Sissy Spacek!

Sissy Spacek: Thank you! Thank you, it’s really great to be here tonight. [ she waves her arms ] God, I can hardly believe it! I come from a really small town in Texas called Quitman — population: 1,237. Oh, and my background didn’t prepare me for a night like this. These past few months have been incredible: I’m doing my first live TV show… I got to be on the cover of Newsweek magazine… and I’ve been nominated for an Academy Award for my work in the film “Carrie”.

[ the audience applauds ]

When I found out about — when I found out about the nomination, I — I called the Academy to be sure there hadn’t been a mistake, and they said no, there hadn’t been a mistake, uh — and the other nominees were Liv Ullmann, Marie-Christine Barrault, Talia Shire, and Faye Dunaway. And I said, “If I come, can I keep the program?” [ she laughs ] But I do have a little speech… and with things being the way they are, I might not get a chance to deliver it on Oscar night, so… “I want to thank my mother… my father… my brother, Ed… my husband, Jack… my director, Brian DePalma… my yoga teacher… my dentist… and everyone else who helped me on my short climb to the top.” Oh! And before I forget, I want to say to the Academy members — not to influience your vote or anything — but, when the ballets go out on Monday, just remember: my best scene was cut from “Carrie”. And I’d like to, if I can, recreate that scene for you now, to give you more of an idea of my full talent.

[ tight close-up, as eerie music plays ]

It’s the day after the Prom… most of the kids aren’t around any more. I’m alone on a field — a football field. It’s the day of the big game. And I’ve elected myself… [ she attempts to rip off her outer clothing, but struggles briefly ] Whoops! [ she finally rips it al lthe way off to reveal a majorette’s outfit underneath ] BATON QUEEN!!

[ Spacek catches a baton tossed toward her, as she begins to twirl it stylisticly for the audience’s delight ]

We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

How Your Children Grow

… Jane Curtin
Dr. Ross … Bill Murray

[Soothing music of strings and woodwinds accompanies agraphic that reads: HOW YOUR CHILDREN GROW. Dissolveto the set of a talk show where Jane Curtin addressesthe camera.]

Jane Curtin: Good evening and welcome to “How YourChildren Grow.” I’m Jane Curtin and my guest tonightis one of America’s foremost authorities on learningdisabilities, Dr. Alan Ross. [Pull back to reveal Dr.Ross seated beside Jane] For those of you who are notfamiliar with Dr. Ross’ work, he has just been awardeda seven million dollar grant with which he will openthe Ross Foundation in Rochester, Minnesota. Isn’tthat true, Doctor?

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: In doing my own research on what you do,sir, I learned that many people who work with childrenpossessing learning difficulties at one time had sucha condition.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: I guess that would make one moreempathetic to the plights of such a child.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: And I imagine that it doesn’t matter howbig you are in your field, no one’s immune, as Idiscovered that you yourself, Dr. Ross, had, as achild, a severe learning disability.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: And I guess we can speak about it. Itcertainly is nothing to be ashamed of. Your problemwas called quintlexia.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: For those of you who are not familiarwith the term “quintlexia,” it comes from the prefix”quint” meaning “five” — and “lexia” from the Greekroot “lexus” which means “words.” Therefore, anyonewho is afflicted with quintlexia has the ability tospeak only five words. Did I describe it correctly?

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Now, as I understand it then, as a child,you only knew five words.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Which words were they?

Dr. Ross: That’s, True, You’re, Absolutely, Right.

Jane Curtin: I get the impression that you still havethis condition.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Now, let me get this straight. You wentto Harvard undergraduate, got your Ph.D fromDartmouth, you’ve been given a seven million dollargrant to build a foundation, and have been teachingchildren for close to eleven years. And your entirevocabulary consists of five words.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. [chuckles] You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: It is truly amazing that you have overcome such a handicap and have accomplished so much.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: I guess it just goes to show what a landof opportunity America really is.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: You sleep in a wedding gown, don’t you?

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Is it true that you’re wearing underwearmarked “January”?

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Oh ho ho, we could go on like this all night!

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Oh, shut the hell up! Thank you forjoining us and I urge all of you concerned parents toread Dr. Ross’ new book [holds up the book to thecamera] — “That’s True – You’re Absolutely Right.”It’s fascinating reading.

Dr. Ross: That’s true. You’re absolutely right.

Jane Curtin: Good night.

[Dissolve back to the opening graphic and the soothing music.]

[TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: On his second line, Bill Murrayactually flubs and says, “That’s true. You’reabsolutely right about th–” but since that prettymuch ruins the sketch, we’ve decided to pretend thatthe error never occurred. Also, Sinead O’Connor neverripped up that photo of the Pope. You just imaginedit. Thank you.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Goodnights

…..Sissy Spacek

Sissy Spacek: I want to thank everybody for coming tonight… [ the cast suddenly appears toward the back of the stage behind her ] And I want to tell you I had a GREAT time! And y’all come back, ya’ hear?

[ the cast comes forward to surround Spacek and hand her a couple of burlap bags ]

[ the end credits begin to roll ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Broderick Crawford, with musical guest The Meters, Levon Helm, and Dr. John. People mistake me for Broderick Crawford — or is it Joan Crawford? Who cares? At least I look like a STAR!! This is Don Pardo saying: “Good night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Gidget’s Disease

Bootsie…..Gilda Radner
Binky…..Laraine Newman
Muffy…..Sissy Spacek
Spokeswoman…..Jane Curtin

(Open on: Bedroom set with one pink wall, one happy face wallpaper wall, a pussycat clock, a “Hang in there, Baby” poster with a kitten, some Keane prints, lots of stuffed animals with the accent on pink poodles, cute dollies like Raggedy Ann, Mr. Peanut, or Snoopy, Ice cream soda candles, red and white dooted Swiss curtains, music box, bubble gum, or Disney character lamp, etc)

(Muffy and Bootsie are in room. Bootsie is wearing Dr. Dentons with animal feet, two ponytails with bows. She is bouncing on the bed, hugging her teddy bear purse. Muffy is wearing a very short school tunic and knee socks and is spanking her doll)

Muffy: Bad dolly!…Bad dolly!

Bootsie: Don’t hurt dolly! She’s so cute!

Muffy: Bad dolly made wee-wee all over her pretty dress! (she throws doll down)

Bootsie: (she jumps up and down on her bed twice) Bootsie has to make tinkle in pee-pee potty!

(Binky jumps into the room, holding her knees together. She is dressed as Shirley Temple)

Binky: Hello Muffy! Hello, Bootsie! Binky needs to go to the ‘ittle girl’s room ever-so-badly!

(Jane, wearing a white lab coat, hair pulled back, and glasses, steps into frame)

Spokeswoman: What do these three extremely obnoxious grown women have in common? They are all victims of Gidget’s Disease. In other words, they are terminally cute…too cute for thier own good. Let’s take a closer look…

(cut back to the “little girls”)

Muffy: (sings, mimicking action) “I’m a wittle teapot, short and stout, Here is my handle, here is is my— (breaks off song, realizing that she has made two handles with her crooked arms, instead of one handle and one spout)—“handle”? Oh, no, I’m a Sugar Bowl!

Binky: (plays Shirley Temple scene with Mr. Peanut doll) Please, judge–don’t send Gramps to jail…(shaking finger)…or I’ll be ever-so-cross with you! (getting an idea) I know! We’re show folk! We’ll put on a show for you! We got costumes in the barn and my dad knows music!

Bootsie: (talking to her foot) Mr Animal Slipper….Look who’s come to visit, Mr. Animal Slipper. It’s Mr Teddy Bear Purse! (slipper and purse “talk” to each other) “Hello, Mr Teddy Bear Purse, how are you today?” “Just fine, Mr. Animal Slipper. I have Goody Yum-Yums in my tummy” “Num num!” (feeds cookie from purse to slipper)

(cut back to Spokeswoman)

Spokeswoman: Really enough to make you puke your guts out. But there is help for these women. They and others like them can be cured by being forced to undergo pointless root canal work in what we like to call the Dental Theater of Cruelty. I know, because I was one of them. But I was lucky. These women might not be so lucky…(turns and looks mournfully back at “the girls”, who are all “cuted” out of control)

Spokeswoman: (slams fist into the palm of her hand, as though she would like to do it to them) We need your help. Send your dollars to:
GIDGET GOES TO SHOCK THERAPY
BOX 483
BUFFALO, NEW YORK

Submitted by: Shawn

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Improvisation

…..Sissy Spacek
…..Al Franken
…..Tom Davis

Sissy Spacek: And now, ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce two very funny men — the comedy team of Franken & Davis.

[ writers Al Franken and Tom Davis step out on stage ]

Franken & Davis: Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you, Sissy!

Sissy Spacek: I understand you’re going to improvise something for us tonight?

Tom Davis: Well, that’s right, Sissy. We’re going to take TWO suggestions from you, the audience… we’re going to confer, or huddle, for about ten seconds, and then we’re going to perform a scene based on those suggestions right off —

Franken & Davis: Right off the top of our heads!!

Sissy Spacek: It sounds really exciting. Take it away!

[ Spacek exits ]

Tom Davis: Thank you very much!

Al Franken: Thank you, Sissy! [ to the audience ] Okay, uh, everyone — we, uh, need the, uh, name of a place where, where people meet.

[ audience members yell out various ideas: “Pittsburgh”, etc. ]

[ Franken and Davis look around as the responses fly in ]

Al Franken: A doctor — a doctor’s office! I heard that! And now, uh, we need a, uh, a profession. A, uh, uh —

[ audience members yell out various ideas ]

[ Franken and Davis look around as the responses fly in ]

Al Franken: I heard meteorologist! I heard meteorologist over here. Okay, we’ve got meteorologist, we’ve got a… a, uh, what — a doctor’s office. We’ll see you in ten seconds!

[ Franken and Davis turn around and quietly discuss their premise ]

Al Franken: Okay, okay — let’s do the gynecologist…

Tom Davis: We can’t do that.

Al Franken: No?

Tom Davis: No, we need a girl to do that!

Al Franken: Oh, that’s right. Okay, okay…

[ they scratch their heads, stumped for an idea ]

Tom Davis: Maybe we could do a Canadian..?

Al Franken: No, no, they might be watching…

[ they shake their heads, then finally turn around to face the audience ]

Al Franken: Uh, we — we’re sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but we — we couldn’t think of anything. Maybe you should just, uh — some more suggestions. Just anything.

[ audience members yell out various ideas ]

[ Franken and Davis look around as the responses fly in ]

Al Franken: World War III? World War III.

Tom Davis: World War III. [ thinking ] Okay, how about a newscast, on the night of the day of World War III?

Al Franken: Yeah, we’ll “improvise” it! [ he gives a sly wink to Davis ] Okay!

[ Davis turns around to prepare for his character, as Franken addresses the camera ]

Al Franken: Tragedy! Death! Catastrophe! Highlights tonight’s news, after this message!

Tom Davis: [ turns around ] Tonight’s news is brought to you by the makers of Jim Crow Rice. Remember: every grain is separate but equal, and “Mmm” so good! [ turns back around ]

Al Franken: Good evening, this is Ronald Brooks, substituting for the deceased… Ray Thompson! Yes, today it happened: World War III. According to White House sources, the War was initiated… by mistake. President Carter said, “Gee, I’m sorry… I’m awfulyl sorry.” And with 80% of the bombs in, WOMB computer analyses shows that the United States has won the War! Yes, according to our ocmputers, only 85 million Americans will have died, as compared to over 155 million Russians, and a whopping 575 million… Chinese! And now, with the Weather, our own Bill Cory. Bill!

Tom Davis: [ turns around ] Well, hi! Temperatures up to 8,000 degrees in New York tonight… cooling off tomorrow to an uninhabitable 450 degrees, so if you’re still planning a weekend outing, you’d better wear an asbestos suit! [ motions his arm ] Well, the polar ice caps have melted, and both the East and the West Coast should be consumed by tidal waves tomorrow. So if there are any surfers on Long Island, you should expect swells of up to 800 feet. Well, that’s the weather outlook for today. Ronald?

Al Franken: Why, thanks, Bill! The Stock Market closed today — for good! And now, with Sports, our own Barney Johnson. Barn!

Tom Davis: Thank you, Ronald. Good evening, sports fans. Bobby Orr fried today at his home in Toronto. Well, the entire New York Yankees baseball team perished in a firestorm during practice at their Fort Lauderdale Spring training camp — bad news for you season ticket holders. That’s the Sports scene for tonight. Ronald?

Al Franken: Why, thanks, Barn! And that’s the way the world was! And this is Ronald Brooks —

Tom Davis: And Barney Johnson!

Al Franken: Saying that this is Ronald Brooks —

Tom Davis: And Barney Johnson.

Al Franken: Saying… good night.

Tom Davis: Good night!

Al Franken: Thank you.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Dave Wilson is Dead

…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Pete Fatovich
…..John Belushi
…..Laraine Newman
…..Garrett Morris
…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
…..Sissy Spacek
…..Gilda Radner
…..Dave Wilson

[ open on “Please Stand By” card ]

Don Pardo: The “Saturday Night” show, which you are about to see, will go on as scheduled, despite certain “technical” difficulties. Unfortunately, a few minutes ago, just after dress rehearsal, the director of the show… died.

[ momentary silence ]

[ cut to the Control Room, where Director Dave Wilson is hunched across the control board. Dan Aykroyd, dressed in a Confederate costume, stands on the other side of the control panel listening to a signal in his ear. ]

Dan Aykroyd: Yeah… yeah… okay. [ straightens his posture, addresses the camera ] Uh, hi. I’m, uh, I’m Captain Rip Ryder. Uh — no, I’m, uh, Dan Ayrkoyd. Uh — uh — I’m — I’m kind of — I’m kind of afraid because of, uh — because — uh, this is live television, where the unexpected can happen, and, well — [ he chuckles ] the unexpected has happened! Uh — uh, we’re all quite saddened and disappointed, but, uh — in show business, we have an old saying: “The show must go on.” And, although we have this old saying, well… the show can’t possibly go on, without Davey Wilson, our director, who has apparently died. Uh, Davey, was, uh — uh, IS — uh, WAS — one of the last of a dying breed of people, uh, who knew — who know — who know how – -who knew how live television works. Of course, the true testament of, of a man is the words and thoughts about him spoken by those who worked closest with him. Uh — sir, uh, you knew Davey Wilson?

Pete Fatovich: Uh, yes, I did!

Dan Aykroyd: Uh — what sort of man was he?

Pete Fatovich: Seemed like a nice guy, but he was hard to get to know — you know what I mean?

Dan Aykroyd: [ chuckles ] Yeah! Uh — Davey Wilson, uh, a marvelous man and a guy who knew what live television was all ab– [ looks offscreen ] John! How are ya’!

[ John Belushi, dressed in ancient Biblical garb, enters ]

John Belushi: What’s happening out there?

Dan Aykroyd: Uh —

John Belushi: What’s happening?! I’m sitting out there in front of 350 people, ready to pull down the temples of Israel and say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” and nobody knows what’s going on!

Dan Aykroyd: Davey… is dead.

John Belushi: Who?

Dan Aykroyd: Davey Wilson. Our director. He just died before we went on the air.

[ Belushi reacts with surprise, as Laraine Newman, enters ]

Laraine Newman: Danny, what’s going on?! The lights went out!!

Dan Aykroyd: Uh — yeah. Well… uh, Davey’s dead, you see. He — he died before we went on the air.

Laraine Newman: [ looking down ] Oh, my… That means we can’t do the Delilah scene!

Dan Aykroyd: Well, as it stands now, we can’t really do ANYTHING, except just sort of stand here and, uh, and talk to you at home, and, uh, and hope things work out.

Laraine Newman: That’s just great, you know? I mean… I research a role ALL week, I read BOOKS on Delilah, I get PICTURES of Delilah — I was GREAT as Delilah!! I had them eating out of my HAND at dress rehearsal!!

Dan Aykroyd: Laraine, please…

Laraine Newman: Don’t worry! I’ll be alright…

Dan Aykroyd: As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, this is a shock to everyone. Uh — the fact that wer’e without a very —

[ Garrett Morris straggles into the Control Room ]

Garrett Morris: What’s going on?

Dan Aykroyd: Davey Wilson died.

Garrett Morris: [ confused ] The — the director?

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, that’s right, Garrett, uh — you worked with, uh, Davey Wilson for almost two years. Is there anything that stands out in your memory of him?

Garrett Morris: Well, he seemed like a nice guy to me, man! He never hassled me at all —

Dan Aykroyd: Two years, and he NEVER hassled Garrett! Quite a tribute to Dave Wilson — whether you were black or white, or red or blue or cream, Davey Wilson just seemed to be… a nice kind of guy! Uhh — he was a, he was a nice guy. He, uh —

Laraine Newman: He was a very nice guy.

Garrett Morris: Yeah…

John Belushi: Yeah, that’s right — he pretty much kept to himself.

Dan Aykroyd: Uh-huh. He’s a nice guy, a quiet guy, everyone seems to agree on.

John Belushi: Yeah.

Dan Aykroyd: I understand we have a, uh, film, of highlights of the, uh, the career or Davey Wilson, which we are about to roll. [ to a technician ] Can you roll the film?

Technician: Uh, no — no, because, uh, I run these.

Dan Aykroyd: [ confused ] These?

Technician: Yeah.

Dan Aykroyd: O-kay. Well, uh, we’re having some techincla difficulties with that film. That’s easily explainable — the film is about director Davey Wilson, who just died, and he’s the only one who really knows how the techincal end works… Now, say, Garrett or John or myself had just died, and, uh, you know, we were rolling a film on us, well, we’d have no problem because we’re on the acting end, as opposed to the, uh, techincal end… and, well, film is technical, and Davey knew that stuff — and he’s not here, he’s gone.

John Belushi: That’s the irony here, uh —

Dan Aykroyd: Yeah.

John Belushi: It’s real ironic —

Dan Aykroyd: Uh — Jane! [ reaches over to pull Jane Curtin into the scene ] Jane Curtin is here, and, uh — Jane, you knew Davey, you must have something about him that you could share with us.

Jane Curtin: Uhh — I once heard Davey say he really liked the Beatles.

Dan Aykroyd: [ smiling ] Well! Here’s something about him! He liked the Beatles!

Garrett Morris: Yeah, a white man who liked the Beatles — now that’s interesting.

Jane Curtin: And — and I think the Beatles summed it up best when they said, Ob-la-di… ob-la-da… life goes on… bra!”

Dan Aykroyd: Ahhh, thank you… thank you, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Dan, and… [ glumly ] thank you, Davey…

Dan Aykroyd: Yeah, alright. [ glances offscreen ] Bill! Bill Murray! Bill Murray! [ pulls Bill into the scene ] The newest of the Not Ready for Prime Time Players!

Bill Murray: Yes — yes, I am.

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, perhaps you have a story about Dave Wilson, our deceased director, to tell the folks?

Bill Murray: Sure, umm — [ thinking ] Uhhh — Davey and I used to, uh, drink a lot of coffee together, and, uh — one time, I was at the machine, and he said, “Don’t drink”, uh, “the milk. It’s sour,” you know?

Dan Aykroyd: Yeah.

Bill Murray: And, uh — [ he laughs ] I drank it, anyway, and it WAS sour! Yuo know, it was nice of him to tell me that.

Dan Aykroyd: Thank you, Bill, for that story about Davey Wilson, our director who died. If there’s any one person who relied on Davey Wilson more than anybody else, it would have to be, uh, the host. This is sissy Spacek, the, uh, host of this week’s show, uh — [ Spacek enters the scene ] which isn’t quite the show that we or she thought it would be. Sissy, this is your first TV show?

Sissy Spacek: Yes, it is, Danny, I usually work in movies. If someone dies in a movie, we just — we just stop film.

Dan Aykroyd: Uh-huh… uh-huh.

Sissy Spacek: But here, everything just falls apart. I — I guess that’s what makes live TV so exciting.

Dan Aykroyd: [ excited ] Ye-es!! The EXCITEMENT of live television! That’s a good one!

Sissy Spacek: I just — I just hope that we get to do something that we rehearsed…

Dan Aykroyd: Well, Sissy, I’m sorry that it happened this week. I, uh — you know — I know that if Davey was here, he’d just —

Pete Fatovich: [ interrupting ] Danny! They’re getting ready to run the film!

Dan Aykroyd: Okay! I think they’re ready to run that obituary film. The standard obituary film. Are they ready to roll the film now?

Pete Fatovich: No!

Dan Aykroyd: O-kay. [ Gilda Radner runs in ] Gilda Radner!

Gilda Radner: Hi!

Dan Aykroyd: You knew Davey Wilson as well as any of the Not Ready for Prime Time Players.

Gilda Radner: Uh — yes — yes, I did, um — he reminded me of my grandfather!

Dan Aykroyd: Oh, yeah? Well, what does your grandfather do?

Gilda Radner: He died! He was real sick!

Dan Aykroyd: And, uh, before that?

Gilda Radner: He had a lot of headaches!

Dan Aykroyd: How about before that?

Gilda Radner: [ meekly ] He used to yell at my grandmother…

Dan Aykroyd: Okay, thank you, Gilda. Thank you, uh — you know, there’s an old saying that, uh — [ Gilda begins to cry on his shoulder ] Well, you can tell a lot about a man, uh, from the… [ thinking ] contents of his wallet!

[ everyone begins to jerk the corpse around in search of a wallet or other personal effects ]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, let’s see, uh — [ the wallet is retrieved ] Davey, uh — was, uh — let’s see — [ reading contents of the wallet ] Davey Wilson, our director, he was, uh — a member of the Diner’s Club! And, uh —

Pete Fatovich: [ pointing ] Hey, hey! The film is on! The film is on!

Dan Aykroyd: The film is on? [ he turns toward a monitor, which turns fuzzy ] The NBC obituary — no, it stopped. No, the, uh — the film of our – -Davey Wilson, our late director — our very recently deceased director, Davey Wilson — the standard NBC obituary film.

[ close-up as the screen turns black ]

Dan Aykroyd: Not on. It’s not on… [ the picture suddenly appears ] Ah! There it is! Yes!

[ show the screen with “The Late Great Dave Wilson” superimposed over a screen capture of Wilson dressed as a bee (from the Jodie Foster episode earlier in the season) in the control room ]

Don Pardo V/O: Davey Wilson, winner of the 1976 Emmy for directing the Saturday Night show. His untimely death brought to an end a career of directing that stretched over twenty years and included such hits…

[ cut to opening credit montage from: ]

as “The Paul Weissner Story”…

[ cut to footage of a couple dancing a mambo ]

“Mambo Macambo”…

[ cut to close-up footage of a mouse and a frog at what looks like a miniature picnic table ]

“Animal Fun”…

[ cut to a montage of war footage ]

“Hats Off, Ensign O’Rourke”…

[ cut to footage of a young boy walking a dog who wears rollerskates ]

and “Cincinnati Midday”.

[ the tape ends, as the screen remains black. Light chatter is heard in the background, before the screen returns to Aykroyd in the cast huddled up in the control room with a pile of money in their hands. They are surprised to find the camera back on them. ]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh — we found, uh — a card here, a medic alert card. It says — a medic alert card has been found! Can somebody –? A medic alert card has been found. It says: “Dave Wilson: In the event of loss of consciousness, say ‘Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.'”

Everyone: “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!”

[ suddenly, Dave Wilson rises from the control panel and turns to a fellow engineer ]

Dave Wilson: Tape roll!!

[ dissolve to opening montage ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Young Newlyweds

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Wife…..Sissy Spacek
Henry…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, kitchen, white trash household ]

[ Henry storms into the kitchen from the bedroom and pulls the fridge open, as his Wife enters behind him and sits at the table ]

Wife: Well, how do you think I feel? Two whole weeks we been married — I’m still the same girl I was before my wedding night.

Henry: Where’s my Cherry Slush?!

Wife: And I was lying under you tonight, never once thinking you’d find your manly power…

Henry: Not more than TWO HOUR AGO, I bought a Cherry Slush from 7-11 — now WHERE IS IT??!!

Wife: I was lying under you thinking about something else, just like you told me!

Henry: [ having found his Cherry Slush, he sits down ] now, where’s the foam?! Where’s the DAMN FOAM??!!

Wife: I was thinking about the noise the washing machine makes…

Henry: Well, I didn’t pay forty-five cents for TWO HOURS of LOUSY FOAM!!!

Wife: When that didn’t work — that didn’t help you find yor many powers — I started thinking about… dead people, and… if dead people secretly watch to see if you go to their funeral…

Henry: [ stands ] You lookin’ at certain parts of my body… and you think of the word “dead”?! Well, no wonder! If you’re wonderin’ why there is no wonder, well there is… NO… WONDERRRR!! [ paces the room ] You know… I have been with — if you know what I mean — a semi-professional singer.

Wife: I know.

Henry: I have had adult relations with a… semi-professional singer.

Wife: I know!

Henry: Not to mention, many others! Not to mention the rest — only to mention the one that PROVES to a man, who has been to Houston, and left behind a satisfied semi-professional singer!!

Wife: [ crying ] I have worn EVERY piece of underwear you have sent away for from the back of that magazine!

Henry: It’s not just a matter of wearing send-away udnerwear!! It has somethin’ to do with yew bein’ eighteen… and ME bein’ twenty-three! With yew comin’ to see… that certain THRILL to a man’s body!

Wife: Ah see that certain thrill. Yew may not SEE I see it, but I see it! [ quietly ] I’ve seen it… and I felt it two weeks ago, standin’ in the fire hall sayin’ “I do.” I apologized to God udner my breath for seein’ that certain thrill RIGHT THERE in front of that preacher!

Henry: And speakin’ of the preacher… what’s happenin’ those two weeks? Well, I’ll tell ya’. And it starts with this bein’ MY home, and it doesn’t feel like it… and it starts with YOU makin’ that NEW vegetable!!

Wife: Brussell sprouts!!

Henry: A NEW vegetable!! I don’t need a NEW vegetable — I have trouble enough with the OLD vegetable!! Without yew bringin’ in a NEW vegetable!! And… YEW… always ignorin’ me when I ask yew to buy FRUIT SLAW?!!

Wife: You didn’t EXPLAIN it!!

Henry: It’s fruit slaw! You buy it in the dairy case, it comes in a plastic thing! It’s like COLE slaw, only it’s made of FRUIT!! It’s FRUIT SLAW!! FRUIT SLAW!! Now, HOW MUCH MORE CAN A MAN SAY ABOUT FRUIT SLAW??!!!

Wife: [ crying ] I’m sorry…

Henry: [ sighs ] And yew always usin’ the word “casserole” to mean the food and the thing you put it in! [ he sits in his easy chair ] Not to mention, uh, you changin’ the channel ev’ry time I’m watchin’ my fav’rite program! Not to mention, the bathroom! no, all your things in the bathroom! It’s been TWO WEEKS of ME tryin’ to take care of MY business, and ev’ry time I sit down to it, my eyes comes smack against that bottle of Miss Clairol Sparklin’ Cherry Color Number 1-0-1 “for a natural, lustery sheen, full-bodied, glowin’ with highlights”! I KNOW all this crap by heart from TWO WEEKS of readin’ it!! You understand?! [ he jumps to his feet ] And you want to know whar ELSE I know?! [ sits at the kitchen table ] SUPER TAMPONS!! Yew wanna hear THAT?! [ he grabs a cigarette and a match ]

Wife: [ crying ] Yew just sayin’ all these things to hurt me…

Henry: [ flicking the match unsuccessfully until it lights ] No, I’m not.

Wife: [ she stands ] And what about YE-EW?!! Hunkerin’ around the house all the time, lookin’ in all the candy jars like you’re expectin’ to find candy in there… ‘cept this is YOUR house, and you know there ain’t nothin’ in there but safety pins and rubber bands, and yew givin’ me dirty looks! And how ’bout the other night when you shushed me? You SHUSHED me THREE times, when yew was watchin’ Lucie Armez on “$25,000 Pyramid”! Adn EV’RY night at dinner, yew ask me if I want my dessert, like we’re back in the high school cafeteria: “Yew want your dessert? Yew want your dessert?” LIKE WE GOT MARRIED SO YEW COULD EAT MY APPLE BROWN BETTY!!! [ she screams and runs across the room and sits in his easy chair ]

Henry: We-e-e-e-elllll, well, well!! So maybe it just proves what I been meanin’ to say for two weeks: yew should’ve married that handsome Rick Mooney!

Wife: [ aghast ] Well, if I’d known — if I would have known… what I know now, last summer, at cheerleader camp, when I was decidin’ between yew and RICK MOONEY!! [ quietly ] It all happened… at cheerleader camp, at morning devotion. We were all down on our knees, around the flagpole in the driveway… and you had to hold the jingle bells quiet on your tennis shoe laces… and I was holdin’ my jingle bells, thinkin’, “God… give me a sign… Henry, or Rick Mooney…” And I said “Amen”… and we all stood up, and I let go of my jingle bells to brush off the cinders off my knee. In the driveway, the cinders were MASHED into my knee and forming the shape of an “H” for “Henry”, and THAT’S when I KNEW!! [ she breaks into tears ]

Henry: [ tapping the kitchen table ] Is that so?

Wife: I learned two things at majorette camp last summer: I love yew… and they give free nuts to people on airplanes.

Henry: Is that so?

Wife: No. That’s not so. The truth is… the cinders in my kneeskin didn’t form the shape of an “H” — the cinders in my kneeskin didn’t form ANYTHING! But I made up that story because I LOVE you, and you never believed I loved you more than Rick Mooney! And I still love you, I still love you! And I have seen your warpaths without yew, and I’ve seen ALL those things with the seat stuck out on its own and all, and I’ve seen all of that and I still love you! [ she sighs ] So… now you know…

Henry: [ he sighs ] Now I know. Hey, uh — put your clothes on. Come on.

Wife: What for?

Henry: Well, we’re goin’ to the 7-11 — I’ll buy you a… Cherry Slush.

Wife: [ perks up ] Cherry Slush? Henry… [ they hug ] Oh, Henry, Henry…

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Amy’s Bedtime Story

Stagehand…..Joe Dicso
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Walter Cronkite…..Bill Murray
Amy Carter…..Sissy Spacek
Mary Fitzpatrick…..Garrett Morris

[ dissolve back onto the Carter set ]

Stagehand: [ enters ] Well, thank you, Mr. President! That’s a wrap!

President Jimmy Carter: Thank you!

[ crewmen begin to remove all the television equipment ]

President Jimmy Carter: [ to Cronkite ] Well, that was — that was okay. That worked out okay.

Walter Cronkite: Yeah, that was pretty good. We’ll have to do that again sometime.

President Jimmy Carter: [ looks offscreen ] Hello, Amy!

[ Amy quietly enters the scene ]

Amy Carter: Hi, Daddy!

President Jimmy Carter: Amy, this is Mr. Cronkite.

Walter Cronkite: Hello, Amy.

[ Amy shakes hands with Mr. Cronkite ]

President Jimmy Carter: Uh, honey — I’m going to walk Uncle Walter out to his car, and then I’m gonna come back in, we’ll have some milk and cookies in the kitchen, okay? [ looks offscreen ] Mary?

[ Mary the Nanny comes down the stairs ]

Mary Fitzpatrick: Yes, Mr. President?

President Jimmy Carter: Mary, will you mind Amy while I get back? Um — this is Mr. Cronkite. This is, um, Amy’s nanny, Mary.

Mary Fitzpatrick: Ah yes, the ex-convict from Georgia! Hello, pleased to meet you.

President Jimmy Carter: Yes, okay. Fine. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.

[ Carter and Cronkite exit the scene ]

Mary Fitzpatrick: Child, your father sure knows how to USE the media. Come on, let’s go back and get some milk and cookies, alright?

Amy Carter: Nanny, is it true that you lived in a state prison?

Mary Fitzpatrick: [ she stops in her tracks ] Yes, child, I made some mistakes, I had some ba-a-ad breaks!

Amy Carter: Nanny, you’re ni-i-i-ice…

Mary Fitzpatrick: So are you, sweetheart.

Amy Carter: Nanny, can you tell me a bedtime story?

Mary Fitzpatrick: Why, sure. Come on — sit on my knee! [ Amy sits ] Okay! Now, this is the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears! Now, it was the summer of ’70… and after just working for a long time for the State Department of Agriculture, Goldilocks FINALLY got her letters from the parole board!

Amy Carter: The parole board?

Mary Fitzpatrick: Yeah! See, she just done the big quince downstate for wastin’ some lowlife cat in Gainsville, honey.

Amy Carter: The big quince?

Mary Fitzpatrick: A QUINCY! Five big ones! You know, uhhh —

Amy Carter: Oh, yeah —

Mary Fitzpatrick: YEARS!

Amy Carter: — like you been locked up and stirred?

Mary Fitzpatrick: That’s right! Yeah! So, there she is, out of the joint, right? Back on the street with nothing but a state-owned pair of jeans. So she takes a bus to Tampa, she gets some heat from a friend, right? She steals a car, and then she POPS a supermarket for some free eagles!

Amy Carter: She knocked off a store for some money?

Mary Fitzpatrick: That’s right, honey! Yeah! Then, she drives north of town, right? Into the dark, wet Everglades.

Amy Carter: She have her hipwaders on?

Mary Fitzpatrick: Why, yes, she did. Mmm-hmm. Are you sure I haven’t told you this one before? Hmm?

[ Amy shakes her heads no ]

Mary Fitzpatrick: Well, anyway… pretty soon, she comes up on this shack sittin’ on the steps, right? Now, by now, little Goldilocks is hungrier than a porpoise at Marineland, child.

Amy Carter: Marineland?

Mary Fitzpatrick: Yeah, it’s like a fish zoo, you know? So… she pulls her piece, removes the lock on the door — BOOM! BOOM! — and then, she goes in and she eats THREE bowls of hot gator soup! [ mimes eating sloppily from a bowl ] Right? And then she crashes for the night. And when she finishes — rather, when she wakes up — she’s looking right down there, straight into the twin barrels of a 16-gauge shotgun, honey. You see, what she done was, she broke into the home of the Three Bears — Mama Bear, Cleofus Bear, and Winston Bear. You know? But, luckily, she had been in the joint with Winston’s old lady, and Cleofus got her a job as an ambulance dispatcher in Miami. And — and it happened.

Amy Carter: [ suddenly riled up ] Don’t you jive me with none of that bull fairy tale jive, honey! I know that Goldilocks sure don’t go no place there like Florida! I know what goes down someplace like… Bovaria, or German, or someplace like that! Jive!

Mary Fitzpatrick: Noooo, no! Honey, you thinkin’ about Hansel & Gretal!

Amy Carter: Oh, yeah… I forgot…

Mary Fitzpatrick: Yeah. I don’t know — for a child your age, you gettin’ mighty streetwise! Come on, let’s go eat some cookies.

Amy Carter: Yeah!

Mary Fitzpatrick: Okay!

[ they stnd and run off into the kitchen ]

[ camera pulls back, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Is Taxidermy The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Burger Master

1st Employee … Gilda Radner
2nd Employee … Garrett Morris
3rd Employee … Laraine Newman
1st Customer … Bill Murray
2nd Customer … Jane Curtin
3rd Customer … John Belushi
4th Customer … Jim Downey

[Behind the counter at the Burger Master fast foodrestaurant, three employees stand with their backs tothe camera, wearing garish orange and yellow caps anduniforms. They turn to face the camera, holdinghamburgers.]

Three Employees: [hum a note and then sing]Hold the lettuce, hold the cheesesSpecial orders don’t displease us

1st Customer: [enters, to employees] Hi. I’d like aburger, medium rare. Could you put grilled onions onit but no pickles. And if it’s not too much trouble,would you mind pouring some Kukoa Colombian frog bloodall over it, please?

1st Employee: [obnoxious grin] No trouble at allllll![turns, fixes burger, hands it to customer who exitsas the three employees hum a note and then sing:]

Three Employees:
Burgers any way you want ’em
You tell us what’s off or on ’em

2nd Customer: [enters, to employees] Hi. I’d like aburger, well done. Put a little relish on it, somecold water detergent and, if it’s not too much of aproblem, would you mind blowing your nose on the bun?

2nd Employee: Comin’ up! [turns, fixes burger, blowsnose in it, hands it to customer who exits as thethree employees hum a note and then sing:]

Three Employees:
Drive thru Burger Master and see
Burgers plain and burgers fancy

3rd Customer: Hey, I’d like a burger.

3rd Employee: Hey! Anything on that?

3rd Customer: Why, yes. A used hair-net, moth crystals, old radio parts, confetti, cole slaw, a cat-nipped mouse and the entire contents of a lava lamp.

3rd Employee: You’re the boss! [turns, fixes burger,hands it to customer who exits as a 4th customerenters and shows a piece of paper to the employees]

Don Pardo: [voice-over] Yes, at Burger Master, you’rethe boss! Burgers the way you like ’em at pricesthat’ll make you wonder where we get our meat. So whynot drop down to Burger Master today?

1st Employee: [to the 4th customer] Ah, right! Herethey are, sir! [employees bring out three trays ofburgers and place them on the counter] Fifty burgers,each prepared in their own special way!

4th Customer: Oh, one more thing. Would you mindjumping up and down on them until they’re mashed intoa disgusting pulp?

1st Employee: No trouble at all!

[The employees sing as they climb up on the counterand stomp on the burgers in time with the song:]

Three Employees:
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss!
At Burger Master, you are the boss!etc.

[After a closer view of the smashed burgers being trodunderfoot, we pan up and away from the set — wherethe employees continue to stomp and sing — to revealthe applauding audience above. As the SNL band kicksin, we slowly zoom in one one young woman over whom asuperimposed text reads: LAUGHED WHEN BAMBI’S MOTHERDIED. The woman reads this and cracks up.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts