Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

John Belushi’s Dream

… John Belushi
… Don Pardo

[In an office filled with sporting goods (a barbell, abasketball net, a catcher’s mitt, etc.), John Belushi,wearing a lettered collegian’s sweater, sits on theedge of a desk, passing a football from hand to hand,before addressing the camera:]

John Belushi: Hi. I’m John Belushi. I guess you’veseen me on the show here. I’m one of the actors. Thisis my office. NBC has allowed me this time to make avery personal announcement. Ladies and gentlemen,fans, friends, I’m announcing at this time … that Iam retiring from show business. Now, this was not asudden decision on my part. I feel that there areothers who can make you laugh. I know that because Iused to be one of them. I’m quitting the businessbecause I feel my contribution is not acting. Mycontribution to mankind is not to be an actor. My truedestiny is to win the Olympic gold medal in thedecathlon at the Moscow games in 1980. [sets thefootball aside] The decathlon — ten grueling events– from the one hundred meters to the fifteen hundredmeter run — the ultimate test. And the winner cantruly be called the world’s greatest athlete. That ismy destiny. Of course, I’ll have to quit the show anddevote all of my time to training. Unfortunately, Ihaven’t saved any money from this show to live onuntil then. That’s why I’m selling these — [holds upa large gold coin] Olympic gold coins — with the maskof comedy and tragedy on one side [shows other side ofcoin] and the likeness of myself clearing the heightof eight feet, two inches in the high jump on theother. [Olympic theme music plays] Now, we all knowthat the Russian athletes are supported by Communistmoney. Olympians like myself are supported solely by”free enterprise” money, your money. Think of it as aninvestment — or a rip-off, I don’t care. Because foronce in my life, I’m not going for the laugh, I’mgoing for the gold.

[Dissolve to a graphic that reads: JOHN BELUSHI’SDREAM, Greenwich Village, New York City, N.Y., N.Y. asDon Pardo takes over:]

Don Pardo: Send five dollars to JOHN BELUSHI’S DREAM,Greenwich Village, New York City, New York, New York.

[Dissolve back to Belushi:]

John Belushi: See you in Moscow in 1980! Be there!

[Belushi leans back and starts doing sit-ups on top ofthe desk. He manages to do a complete one, then does ahalf sit-up and counts it as “two” — then we dissolveto the applauding audience and zoom in on one gentleman over whom a superimposed text reads: LIVING A LIE.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15

76o: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

Bad Playhouse

Written by: Tom Schiller

Leonard Pinth-Garnell…..Dan Aykroyd
Nils…..John Belushi
Pietri…..Laraine Newman
Jan…..Sissy spacek
Death…..Bill Murray

[ open on title slide: “Bad Playhouse” ]

[ Music: classical piano – “March of the Lunatics” ]

Announcer: And now it’s time for “Bad Playhouse”, with your host — Leonard Pinth-Garnell.

[ music fades, as the scene dissolves onto Leonard Pinth-Garnell seated on a stool at the edge of Home Base ]

Leonard Pinth-Garnell: Hello, I’m Leonard Pinth-Garnell, and welcome once again to “Bad Playhouse”. Tonight, we feature a work by Jan Voorstraat, one of the worst of the new breed of bad Dutch playwrights of the Piet Hein School. His work has been reviled not only in his native Amsterdam, but throughout Europe. Voorstraat’s early plays dealt with the “existentialism of being” — difficult to understand because they were so very poorly written.

[ he holds the play script up to the camera ]

Tonight’s play, entitled “The Mill Keeper”, was written by the young Voorstraat in 1953 before he had even learned to form sentences. The principal characters of the play are the young millkeeper, Nils; his new bride, Pietri; his sister, Jan; “Death”; and the mill itself. The inner action of the play deals with the torment of the young bride alone in a windmill with her husband and his sister, who is caught in the clutches of death. Nils is torn between the idea of loving them and his endless need to work at the milling of grain. It is twilight as the play begins.

[ the background lights rise to reveal the interior of a Dutch windmill. Nils, his mouth agape, slowly and painfully pivots the spoke of the wooden rotating column of the windmill, as Pietri wrings her hands and shrieks. ]

[ “Death” enters, carrying Jan, and joins the procession behind Nils as they slowly and painfully continue their journey around the windmill’s column. Pietri continues to wring her hands and shriek. ]

[ the lights go down, as the actors step forward to bow ]

Leonard Pinth-Garnell: Thank you, thank you so much. [ to the audience ] There, now — that wasn’t so good, was it? And now, I’d like to introduce the cast of tonight’s “Bad Playhouse”. The ardent young millkeeper was played by Mike Mollay; [ he bows ] The young bride was portrayed by Christina Malfi; [ she bows ] And the sister was Genevieve Venus; [ she bows ] And “Death” was Ronnie Bateman. [ he bows ]

[ the entire cast bows, as the audience applauds, then they walk off stage ]

Much —

[ the cast returns for a second set of bows and more applause from the audience ]

Terrible! Terrible! Awful! Awful! Awful! Couldn’t be worse! Couldn’t be worse! Terrible! Simply awful!

[ the cast walks off stage again ]

Much of Voorstraat’s work was much worse in his later years. Next week on “Bad Playhouse”, join me for an even worse play: Elmo Simpson’s “The Hod Carrier”.

[ music rises ]

Leonard Pinth-Garnell: Until then, this is Leonard Pinth-Garnell saying good night!

[ he drops the play script into a wastebasket near his foot ]

[ dissolve to title slide: “Bad Playhouse” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 15


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:



Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 12th, 1977

Sissy Spacek

Richard Baskin

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Dave Wilson

Jim Downey


Dave Wilson is DeadSummary: The sudden death of director Dave Wilson places the show in jeopardy.

Transcript

Montage

Sissy Spacek’s MonologueSummary: Sissy Spacek gives her Oscar speech and performs a cut baton-twirling scene from “Carrie.”

Transcript

Burger MasterSummary: Have your burger any way you want it, no request is too odd to handle.

Transcript

Ask President CarterSummary: Walter Cronkite (Bill Murray) hosts a radio Q&A session with President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: Walter Cronkite, President Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Amy’s Bedtime StorySummary: Amy Carter’s (Sissy Spacek) ex-con nanny (Garrett Morris) tells her a bedtime story.

Recurring Characters: Walter Cronkite, President Jimmy Carter, Amy Carter.

Transcript

How Your Children GrowSummary: Jane Curtin interviews Dr. Alan Ross (Bill Murray), a man afflicted with Quintlexia and who can only utter five words.

Note: Despite only having to utter the same five words throughout the sketch, Bill Murray manages to slip up and append a couple of extra words to his sentence at one point.

Transcript

John Belushi’s DreamSummary: John Belushi announces that he’s giving up comedy to train for the Decathlon.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Muhammad Ali (Garrett Morris) wants to make his own version of a “Rocky” movie. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) finds “endangered feces” to be an odd subject to comment on.

Recurring Characters: Muhammed Ali, Emily Litella.

Transcript

Richard Baskin & Sissy Spacek perform “One I Love You”

ImprovisationSummary: After having trouble creating spontaneous material about a meteorologist at a doctor’s office, improvisationists Al Franken and Tom Davis perform a scene in which they deliver the news after World War III.

Transcript

Gidget’s DiseaseSummary: Spokeswoman (Jane Curtin) discusses the disease that’s suffered by terminally cute women everywhere.

Transcript

Young NewlywedsSummary: White trash couple (John Belushi, Sissy Spacek) argue in their kitchen after a failed attempt at intimacy.

Transcript

The BatonSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Sissy Spacek twirls a baton in slow motion.

Bad PlayhouseSummary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) presents a scene from “The Millkeeper.”

Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell.

Transcript

Richard Baskin performs “City of One-Night Stands”

Sissy’s RolesSummary: In a film by Robert Altman, Sissy Spacek plays several roles in a series of related scenes.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Celebrity Weightlifting

…..Bill Murray
Vasselai Alexev…..John Belushi
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis…..Gilda Radner

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Bill Murray standing in front of a weightlifting mat and a pair of barbells ]

Bill Murray: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to Celebrity Weight Lifting. Tonight’s big treat, of course, is the cleaning jerk competition, featuring Vasselai Alexev, the big Russian, who’s won this event three times in the Olympic Games — three Golds.

[ reveal Alexev strutting in the background ]

And his opponent tonight will be Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, the socialite and former First Lady.

[ reveal Onassis smiling sweetly in the background ]

Now, there’s no doubt about it, that Alexev is at the top of his form now. Of course, he won — he broke his old record last year at Montreal in the Olympic Games there, no question about it. Jackie, of course, has been plagued with injuries — most recently, that big rib cage separation she suffered just a few weeks ago over at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, uh, their Imperial Russian Costume Exhibition over there. Uh, that must still hurt — just how much, we’re gonna see in a moment.

[ Onassis steps away from the mat ]

Okay, it looks like Vasselai is about ready to make his first attempt, at a weight of 250 kilograms.

[ Alexev stands before the barbells and preps himself ]

Ohhhh, look at that neck! I understand it’s a nineteen-inch neck, the Russian has.

[ Alexev grabs one end of the barbell, then grabs the other, then lifts it up to his neck ]

It’s up! It’s up! He’s cleaned in…

[ Alexev lifts the barbell high above his head, poses, then thrusts it down at the mat ]

AND IT’S GOOD!! A very fine win for Alexev — 250 kilograms! You can see why he won the Gold Medal last year at Montreal.

[ as Alexev steps out of the way, Onassis prances forward and toward the barbell ]

Now, uh, it looks like Ms. Onassis is approaching the bar — this will be her first attempt. What a competitor, she’s got a lot of drive — it runs in the family, you know. And, uh, she’s approaching the bar…

[ Onassis poses in front of the barbells, keeping her knees locked in position at all times ]

You know, she tried Gatorade, uh — she gave some Gatorade to Alexev, in the locker room. He said he never tried it, they were going to arrange to try to get a couple of cases sent over to the Soviet Union, so he could use it in his own training camp.

[ Onassis grabs two ends of the barbell, starts to lift, then releases her grip to check her nails ]

Oop — she’s not happy with her grip. And I don’t blame her. If you’re not ready, you just walk away from the bars. That’s the way they say to do it, and she’s right to do it.

[ Onassis daintily bends down and grabs the barbells again ]

Okay, she’s got it…

[ Onassis attempts to lift the barbells, but faces difficulty as she crouches down and struggles to lift them past her knees ]

She seems a little bit unsteady…

[ Onassis slowly struggles to rise with the barbells in her grip ]

She’s got it… she is cleaning it… she’s trying to clean it, she’s trying to clean, she’s at — shes’s cleaning! She’s cleaning it…!

[ Onassis struggles, but she finally lift the barbells over her head and shakily holds it in place ]

She’s got it!!

[ Onassis is unable to maintain her balance ]

Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Gotta be steady!

[ Onassis, still gripping the barbells, galls backwards onto the mat ]

Ohhhh!!! NO!!! Oh!! You had to remain steady, of course, and the judges are gonna give it to Alexev.

[ Alexev steps forward, beaming with victory ]

Oh, Vasselai — another convincing victory, if only she could have hung on. How do you feel about your weight tonight?

Vasselai Alexev: [ rambles in Russian until: ] — maybe you could get me a pair of blue jeans, some time?

Bill Murray: [ chuckles] Love to, Alexev! You certainly did outdo your performance tonight. Let me check on Ms. Onassis’ condition. [ looks over her slumped body ] Uh — Jackie? How are you? What do you think about the lift?

Jackqueline Kenney Onassis: Oh, I… I think it’s my collarbone… I… I think I broke it…

Bill Murray: [ jumps to his feet ] Ah, she broke the collarbone! Well, it’s always the collaegone — that’s what they always say! Well, you can’t help but wonder if maybe Jackie will be missing that big, uh, party for Rudolph Nureyev this Monday night. She won’t be able to compete at the jerkfest, no doubt about it. But, we’re about of time, right now, but please come on back, join us next Saturday night, when the Finals of the Two-Handed Snatch will, uh, feature Aretha Franklin and Eric Severeid. We’ll see you then, you take care!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman
General Lazette…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [ smiling ] Hi! I’m Jane Curtin. Remember the last time I did “Weekend Update” from this desk? [ a beat ] Not tonight, I have a headache.

Our top story tonight: A report from Florida states that Anita Bryant plans to undergo a sex-change operation this Spring. The exact date will not be set until the popular TV personality decides which sex to change to. More on this story as it develops.

Well, beginning March 15th, “The Tonight Show”, starring Johnny Carson, will be broadcast live on the NBC-TV network. Carson, who has been doing this show dead for the past fifteen years, could not explain how he was going to make that transition.

The Greenwich Village Community Court, today, convincted the City of Cincinnati for obscenity, for their conviction of Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt. The Greenwich Village Court sentenced the people of cincinnati to live in Cincinnati.

Although President Carter has forbidden the drinking of hard liquor in the White House, he revealed this week that he doesn’t object to taking it intravenously. The President is shown here having a shot of bourbon to celebrate the birth of his new grandson.

Adolph Hitler’s right-hand man, Rudolph Hess, unsuccessfully attempted suicide this week in Berlin’s spandau Prison, where he is the only inmate. Authorities said the 82-year old Nazi became confused after secretly plant — pran — planning —

[ Jane starts over ]

Adolph Hitler’s right-hand man, Rudolph Hess, unsuccessfully attempted suicide this week in Berlin’s Spandau Prison, where he is the only inmate. Authorities said the 82-year old Nazi became confused after secretly planning a prison break, and repeatedly saying to himself, “Pass it on.”

[ Jane shoves the news sheet across the desk ]

Pass it on.

Still to come: Bob Hope and Geral Ford announce wedding plans, after this word… from whoever!

[ dissolve to ad parody: Dr. Ruth Breadloaf ]

[ return to “Weekend Update” ]

Jane Curtin: The United States Defense Department has recently been test-flying the President’s new flying command post: a regular 747 airplane, which was converted for his use in case of a nuclear attack. “Update” has made arrangements to take its cameras onboard the aircraft. Let’s go now for a special report with Laraine Newman, somewhere above Washington.

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing beside a Defense General inside the cockpit of a 747 ]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing inside the electric core of the Defense Department’s Executive Command Flying Post. With me is Major General Robert Lazette, who’s responsible for the maintenance of this complex aircraft. [ acknowledging the control panel behind her ] Uh, Mr. Lazette, what is this control panel that we’re looking at here.

General Lazette: Okay, this is a Warning Signal Transmitting Army Console — W-S-T-A-C. We call it STACY.

Laraine Newman: And, what is STACY’s function?

General Lazette: Uh, okay: in the instance of a nuclear confrontation, President Carter can be inside the plane and airborne within ten minutes. Now, through this console, he’s hooked into the Command Data Buffer System in Colorado. He can then program, cancel, and reset enemy targets… [ he flips a switch ] from onboard the aircraft.

Laraine Newman: I see. Well, General, with all of the flying weaponry, which would be airborne during a nuclear attack, isn’t a big airplane like this particularly vulnerable to, say, a small heat-seeking or laser-guided device?

General Lazette: [ stung ] Uh… y-yeah, I-I guess so… [ worriesome ] Now that you mention it, I…

Laraine Newman: This is Laraine Newman aboard the expensive and dangerous Flying Command Post. We’re taking it back —

General Lazette: [ defensively ] But you — you can see where it’s going to hit, on this little screen here! you can see it before it hits!

Laraine Newman: Mmm-hmm. Taking it back to you, Jane.

[ return to newsdesk ]

Jane Curtin: An “Update” Correction. Last week, we inadvertently reported that Supreme Court Justice Warren Burger won the 1958 Kentucky Derby. Well, we stand corrected. What we meant to say was that Tom Snyder is actually one of a pair of Siamese twins, and his much smaller sister spends most of her time inside Tom’s shirt doing research for the “Tomorrow” show.

Hugh Bennet of St. Louis, Missouri is suing the Food & Drug Administration for one million dollars. The 78-year old Bennett has an electronic pacemaker in his heart, which he says works great every time, except, when he sneezes, his garage door opens up. His case will be heard later this month.

This just released: according to a United Nations report on international poverty, in certain Third World countries, Prince Spaghetti Day only comes once a year.

Our final story tonight: Foods & Computronics, a firm which orders meals for in-flight service for many airlines, was fined $3,000 by the Civil Aeronautics Board, because of a mix-up on an El El flight to Tel Aviv. Where there was supposed to be 250 meals, consisting of 185 koasher, 50 normal, and 15 vegetarian, due to a computer mix-up only 180 kosher, 42 normal, and 3 vegetarian meals were ordered. As a result, the remaining 25 passengers without meals were forced to beg scraps of the appropriate leftovers from other passengers, clogging the aisles and making the meal service an unpleasant and messy affair. Said passenger Isaac Singer: [ in thick Jewish accent ] “At least, Thank God, there was enough to go around! That’s right, we should all starve in the sky!”

Jane Curtin: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Singles Bar

Man…..Steve Martin
Woman…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Man and Woman sitting at table in singles bar ]

Man: [ laughing ] So, anyway, the first time I ever came to one of these singles bars, I.. fell down the stairs and crashed into the cigarette machine!

Woman: [ charmed ] That’s what happened to me, too!

Man: You’re kidding me!

Woman: No!

Man: Well.. I’ll be honest with you: when I first saw you, I kinda figured that that happened to you, too.

Woman: [ excited ] Really?!

Man: Yeah. Just by looking at you. I’ll-I’ll-I’ll bet you play on “Old MacDonald” on push-button phones, too, right?

Woman: [ laughs ] Right! [ laughs ]

Man: You know, it’s funny.. we’ve only been together here, like, ten minutes, and already we have a lot in common!

Woman: I know.

Man: It’s really amazing. I mean, like, what do you do for a living?

Woman: Oh, I-I.. calibrate the pressure ratios for hydraulic valve systems.

Man: [ guffaws ] So do I! Oh! What did you do before that?

Woman: Well, I folded the little plastic index tabs that separate the sections in notebooks.

Man: [ amazed ] I did, TOO!!!

Woman: [ laughing ] Oh, no!

Man: I can’t believe this!

Woman: This is incredible!

Man: Hey, look – what does your tongue taste like to you?

Woman: [ thinking ] Um.. nothing. It has no flavor.

Man: Really?! Neither does mine! Oh! Wha-what’s your favorite loud noise?

Woman: Oh.. I-I don’t know.. I like all of them..

Man: Ah, you must have a special favorite..

Woman: No, I don’t have a favorite, I like them all equally well.

Man: What about when you turn on the bathroom water, and it doesn’t come out right away, and then suddenly it just all comes out!

Woman: I love that! Oh.. what about when it’s summer, and you’re sitting on a leather sofa, and you’re wearing shorts and you’re sweating, and you have to stand up real quickly?

Man: [ excited ] That’s my favorite pain! You said my exact favorite! That’s my favorite!

Woman: Listen.. don’t you just hate it when you’re sitting in your room, and you hear screams and shouts outside, becuase someone got hit by a truck?

Man: Yeah! Yeah! What’s your favorite land mass?

Woman: [ thinking ] Dalmation Islands, just off the coast of Yugoslavia.

Man: The southern one? A little further inland.

Together: Just above the 30th Parallel!!

Woman: I like your nose.

Man: Ah. And you’re so healthy looking, real natural.

Woman: Well, I try to eat right, and I exercise. And I never, uh.. open a safety pin and punch into my face all over.

Man: That’s good.

Woman: Look, uh.. don’t you just hate it when somebody dies in the apartment next door to yours, and they don’t find them for a couple of weeks.. and. when they do, their pet parrot ate half of them.

Man: Yeah. [ they kiss ] Hey.. you know what I’d like to do right now?

Woman: What?

Man: Have you seen “A Star Is Born”?

Woman: Yes!

Man: Well, let’s go stand in line.. and when it gets to be our turn, we’ll go back and get into the end of the line again!

Woman: [ laughs ] Oh, I’d love that!

Man: Let’s go!

[ they both stand, hold one leg behind their back and begin to hop ]

Man: You like to hop!

Woman: Oh, everywhere!

[ they hop into the darkened set, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Roots II

Alex Haley…..Garrett Morris
Slave…..Bill Murray
Jerry…..John Belushi
Slave Owner…..Steve Martin
Third Slave…..Al Franken
Lenny Gutman…..Dan Aykroyd
Lady…..Laraine Newman

[ open on slave setpiece ]

Alex Haley: Hello. I am Alex Haley. [ clutching chains that hang down ] Slavery. Practiced in this country from 1609 to 1865 or ’70 — a time in this country’s history that most people would just as soon forget, and almost everybody did until ABC produced a TV-ersion of my book, “Roots”. 80 million people viewed the final episode, and, uh, in one week, ABC sold $61 million in advertising. And, the next morning, this, uh, white dude from NBC called me — I mean, this really, really white dude, man. He says, [ sing-song ] “We want ‘Roots’, too!” So I say, “Like, man, I already did it. I’m fresh out of relatives.” So he says, “We’ll pay you #3 million!” [ chuckles] So I say, “Damn! If I ain’t got a great-great grandpa, I forgot all about him! ‘Cause, man, this is a sad, sad story, man — when they came here, they didn’t have no money at all.” It took me twelve years to write the first one, but I had to do a RUSH job on this one, I did it in FOUR days. Now, it’s a little but rushed, but there it be. I proudly present… “Roots II”.

[ camera pans over to a group of white slaves standing behind bars ]

[ SUPER: “Roots II” ]

Slave: — I mean, you got to learn the language if you’re going to get by, man. [ points ] Now, what’s this over here?

Jerry: Oh, that be a window filler.

Slave: Right! Now, uh, uh — [ points ] what’s that, right over there?

Jerry: Oh, that’s a horse!

Slave: Right!

Jerry: Oh, fiddle! I’m tired of this fiddlin’! No crazy cracker’s gonna sell the son of a Mandingo warrior! I am Bop Shoo Wop! Son of Sha Na Na! Grandson of the great holy man, Shboom Shboom!

Slave: Yeah, well, these cats don’t go for none of that jungle jabber, Jerry, so, uh, you’d better quit talking like that, they cut out your tongue, you know what I think? [ points ] Now, what’s that over there?

Jerry: Oh, that be a spoon.

Slave: No…

Jerry: Oh, that be a barrel!

Slave: No! That be a LIGHTNING STICK, they blow your head off with if you try to run away! Now, what’s this right here? [ touches Jerry’s shirt ]

Jerry: That?

[ the slave motions his finger upward to flick Jerry across the nose ]

Together: That be the old one!!

[ they begin to give one another a series of high-fives ]

Slave: Gimme that long soul, boy!

[ the Slave Owner steps forward and whips Slave through the bars. He begins to unlock the cell, but Slave has his head wedged between two bars. ]

Slave: Oh, no, man, you got to unlock my FACE, first!

[ Slave Owner pushes Slave out of the way and unlocks the cell ]

Slave Owner: Alright, everybody come on out for name changes! Come on out here! [ three slaves step outside ] You! Come on out here! [ grabs Jerry ] What’s your name, boy?!

Jerry: My name… Bop Shoo Wop!

Slave Owner: Well, from now on, your name is… Peggy Fleming! [ Jerry eyes him suspiciously ] What’s your name!

Jerry: Bop Shoo Wop!

Slave Owner: [ as he whips Jerry ] PEGGY FLEMING!!

Jerry: Bop Shoo Wop!

Slave Owner: [ as he whips Jerry ] PEGGY FLEMING!!

Jerry: Ouch! [ a beat ] Bop Shoo Wop?

Slave Owner: [ as he whips Jerry ] PEGGY FLEMING!!

Jerry: How about if everybody calls me “The Doctor”? [ Slave Owner whips him repeatedly ] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!! Okay, okay, okay!! Okay! [ a beat ] Peggy Fleming. That do have a nice ring to it.

Slave Owner: Okay, everybody, come up here! [ he motions his slaves in a line ]

[ camera pans to reveal Alex Haley autographing a copy of his book for a young black woman ]

Alex Haley: Say, uh — lookie here, Momma, whatchoo doin’ after the show? [ she retreats from him, as he looks into the camera ] Oh, uh — I’ve done a lot of kidding, but, seriously, my family tree is now the pride of my life. My great-great grandmother was Leslie Uggams, who almost married the guy from “Welcome Back, Kotter”. And her father was John Amos, who married Florida, who used to work for Maude. And then they got their series, and they gave birth to J.J. Walker. And my great-great uncle was Thalmus Rasalala, who knew O.J. Simpson in the old country, who was a great uncle to Ben Vereen, who ran away from Lloyd Bridges. It’s a checkered past. Imagine me, being releated to J.J. Walker — dy-no-mite!

[ theme music pots up, as the actors assemble on the stage behind Haley ]

Alex Haley: Uh — they’re selling great-great grandpa right now. I want to see this.

[ Haley steps out of the way, as the scene continues ]

Lenny Gutman: Hello again, everybody! It’s trading time again! I’m your friend, Lenny GUtman, and I hope I’m going to help you out today! You say you need some heavy yard work done? Well, TALK to me! That’s what I’m here for. [ pulls nutcracker out of his back pocket ] If I can’t help you, I’ll STILL give you this free nutcracker… just for seeing me first!

[ he stands in front of Third Slave ]

Look at this handsome model right here — a twenty-five year old Boluzu! Great teeth, great spirit — [ yanks price sticker off his chest ] was $800, NOW only $599!

[ steps over to second slave ]

A twenty-two year old Fiani [?] warrior — now only $499!

[ steps over to Jerry ]

And our prize model today — an eighteen-year old fully equipped Mandingo warrior — ONLY $599! [ rips off sticker from his chest ] Throw away the sticker price — MAKE me an offer!

[ a Lady steps up ]

Lady: Well, just how equipped is this well-equipped one? You see, I’m looking for something for my summer home; I entertain a lot. [ she taps on Jerry ] Hey, Brown Sugar, you wanna see where the horse bit me?

Lenny Gutman: Oh, careful there, Ma’am! [ he chuckles ] Nice to handle — nice to handle, nice to hold; but if you scratch him, mark him SOLD!!

Lady: I just love him! In fact, they’re ALL wonderful — I’ll take them all!

Lenny Gutman: [ pleased ] Well, alright! You’ve got yourself a deal there, little lady! [ he chuckles ]

[ the Lady walks her new slaves away from the market, as the lights dim and Alex Haley returns to center stage ]

Alex Haley: That’s as much as I wrote — [ he shrugs ] It was a rush job, remember I told you. But, if you want to see more: tune in to “Roots III”. I’m tracing my mother’s side of the family. It starts Tuesday, on CBS.

[ pull out on studio set, with caption: “Coming Up Next… There Is No Birth Control In Heaven” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Pull The Plug

Doctor…..Steve Martin
Mrs. Dionosopolis…..Jane Curtin
Mr. Dionosopolis…..Bill Murray
Buddy…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, hospital room; Doctor stands with Parents in front of Buddy’s bed, as Buddy lies in a coma ]

Doctor: I’m sorry, Mr. & Mrs. Dionosopolis, but your son can’t get any closer to death than he is right now.

Mrs. Dionosopolis: Tomorrow’s his birthday.

Mr. Dionosopolis: Doctor, isn’t there a chance that Buddy could come out of this coma?

Doctor: Well, let me put it this way – if you want to get Buddy something for his birthday, I would suggest moss for his north side.

Mrs. Dionosopolis: [ cries in agony ]

Doctor: Hey! I’m just trying to lighten things up a little bit!

Mr. Dionosopolis: [ comforting his wife ] Thank you, Doctor! It’s a good joke! It is. I’m sure that Buddy would have laughed.

Doctor: Well, I think you should know that the machine that keeps Buddy alive is costing you $500 a day.

[ awkward pase]

Mr. Dionosopolis: I think you’d better pull the plug, Doctor.

Mrs. Dionosopolis: [ outraged ] Buddy!!!

Mr. Dionosopolis: Now, you heard what the man said. Buddy has no motor reflexes, his mind is gone.. do you think he’s having fun? Look at that!

Doctor: Now, listen, uh.. according to law, I cannot deliberately pull the plug.

Mr. Dionosopolis: I see.

Doctor: Buuuut.. if the plug were to, uh.. “accidentally”.. be pulled from the wall, I don’t think anyone’s gonna make a federal case out of it. I think you know what I’m talking about, huh?

Mr. Dionosopolis: Mmm-hmm. Well, I think we should probably just put him out of his misery..

Mrs. Dionosopolis: [ outraged ] Honey!!

Mr. Dionosopolis: [ calmly ] Cathy.. I never told you this.. but, about a year ago, Buddy came to me, and he said, “Dad.. if i’m ever in a bad accident at work, and I’m hit in the head with a sledgehammer and lapse into a coma, and have to kept alive by a machine.. I want to die with dignity. So, please pull the plug.”

Mrs. Dionosopolis: We-ell.. if that’s the way that Buddy wants it, then.. pull the plug.

Doctor: Accidentally.

Mr. Dionosopolis: Accidentally.

Mrs. Dionosopolis: Accidentally.

Doctor: Okay! Well, hey, I’ve got to, uh.. run up to surgery. I’m, uh.. kinda late right now, so I’ll probably be taking off! See you later – they’re calling me! [ pretends to trip over the plug as he makes his exit, getting tangled ] Oh, no! My leg is tangled in the cord! It.. it could cut off the circulation! Help me!

Mr. Dionosopolis: [ playing along ] Okay.. here, here.. let me get your foot out..

Doctor: Yeah! Maybe you could just pull on it!

[ the two of them struggle with the plug, but it will not loosen itself from the wall no matter how hard they pull at it ]

[ suddenly, Buddy opens his eyes to survey the situation ]

Buddy: Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! I’m not in a coma any more!

Mrs. Dionosopolis: Thank God!

Mr. Dionosopolis: [ embarrassed ] Buddy..? Buddy..?

Buddy: [ raising finger ] Ohhhhh.. what are you doing? Were you pulling the plug on me!

Mr. Dionosopolis: [ trying to explain ] Buddy, the doctor told us you were a vegetable.

Doctor: I, for one, am baffled!

Buddy: But pulling the plug!

Mrs. Dionosopolis: Buddy, we were just doing what you told your father about “dying with dignity”, you know? If you ever got hit in the head with a sledgehammer and had to be kept alive by machines? You remember!

Buddy: I never said anything like that, Mom.

Mr. Dionosopolis: Oh, yeahh.. you remember, don’t you? It was that one day, remember? You weren’t asking yourself, you were real strange.. I thought, “Gee, that’s not like Buddy, wants to die like that..” But I figured, what the heck, okay! You said it, though! You said, it, you just forgot!

Buddy: [ laughing ] I probably forgot about it!

Mr. Dionosopolis: Well, buddy, do you fell good enough to go home?

Buddy: [ excited ] Yeah, that would be just great!

Mrs. Dionosopolis: Alright. I’ll fix you a nice big lunch!

Mr. Dionosopolis: And we’ll go hunting first thing next week, okay? [ turns to Doctor ] Thanks a lot, Doctor! Thanks for almost killing little Buddy!

[ family exits hospital room ]

Doctor: Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Hey, we’re having some fun now, eh kids? [ sips water, spits ] Excuse me! Sorry, I didn’t mean to.. get some on you there. We’re having some fun – hey! [ picks up camera, snaps his own picture ] Excuse me! Alright! Hey, you get to see a show; all I have are.. memories. I paid $900 for this – is that too much? I don’t know. Okay. We’re moving! I tell you what – let’s rip the place apart! Sorry, folks. Okay, we’ll be starting in a few moments – just waiting.. for the drugs.. to take effect.. and then.. Ah! Okay, here we go!

[ Steve’s feet begin to dance out of control ]

Uh-oh! I’m getting.. Happy Feet! [ Steve’s feet dance out of control again ] See, every once in a while that happens, I have no control over it. Sorry. Okay. We’re moving along now.

I’d like to get serious with the opening of the show. But, uh.. you probably heard I was into the comedy thing, but, uh.. I’m kinda getting out of that now, and getting more into the music. I’d like to open the show with one of my favorite kinds of tunes – this is a traditional American Indian folk song. Now, I realize we’re on TV, I can’t just come out here and sing one of the great tunes – one of my favorites – and have people get into the same way I have. So, what I’ve done, I’ve.. jazzed it up a little bit, for TV. Basically, I kept it very traditional, but I think you’re gonna dig this, so.. here we go. [ makes Indian moaning sounds ] Wo-oh wo-oh-ohhhhhh!! [ continues Indian moaning sounds ] LIttle girrrrl! Okay, thank you very much!

Excuse me! I feel good tonight, because, uh.. well, I’ve finally got a goal in life, and that’s.. that’s what pleases me, is to be able to have a goal, and this is why I’m so happy, becaus.. it’s important – the thing you have to learn, in having a goal, is not to set an impossible goal, something too high you can never reach. You gotta have a series of smaller goals, that you can accomplish, and slowly work your way up. And this is what I have done. That’s why I’m so happy. My goal: right now, I want to be the all-being master of time, space and dimension. Then, I want ot go to Europe – I think.

I mentioned that, earlier in the show, a drug joke – and I hate to do that, because it creates a mess, and I’m not into drugs any more. I quit completely, and I hate people who are still into it. Well.. I do take one drug now – for fun – and, maybe you’ve heard of it, it’s a new thing, I don’t know if you have or not. It’s a new thing, it makes you small. [ indicates size with fingers ] About this big. And, you know, I’ll be home, sitting with my friends, and, uh.. we’ll be sitting around, and somebody will say, “Heeeyyy.. let’s get small!” So, you know, we get small, and uh.. the only bad thing is if some tall people come over. You’re walking around going, “Ah hahaha..!” Now, I know I shouldn’t get small when I’m driving.. but I was driving around the other day, and I said, “What the heck?” You know? So I’m driving like.. [ extends arms high in the air like he’s reaching up to a giant steering wheel ] And, uh.. a cop pulls me over. And he makes me get out, he looks at me and he says, “Heyyy.. are you small”? I said, “No-o-o! I’m not!” He said, “Well, I’m gonna have to measure you.” They have this little test they give you – they give you a balloon.. and if you can get inside of it, they know you’re small. Now, I’ve already talked it over with the cast – they’ve been working all week, it’s a tough thing to do, come out here live. Immediately after the show, we’re all gonna go out.. and get really small!

Okay, we have a great show tonight – Lily Tomlin, special guest; The Kinks; and, uh, the Not Ready For Prime Time Players – [ speedily ] JohnbelushiDanaykroydGarrett… So, we’ll be back in just a moment – thanks a lot! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Steve’s Head Trip

…..Steve Martin
…..Gilda Radner
…..John Belushi
…..Garrett Morris
…..Bill Murray

[ Steve Martin exits dressing room, leaving girl within ]

Steve Martin: I’ll see you later – after the show, huh?

Gilda Radner: [ approaches ] Hello, Steve.

Steve Martin: Gilda! How you doing?

Gilda Radner: I’m just great. You know, Steve, I feel kind of bad – I haven’t seen as much of you as I did the last time you were on the show.

Steve Martin: Well, I’ve been pretty busy with the show; you know that.

Gilda Radner: Right.

Steve Martin: [ attempts to kiss Gilda, but she backs off ] Hey, come on – what’s the matter with you? Hey, if something’s wrong, you might as well tell me. I don’t like playing games.

Gilda Radner: I don’t know, I think you’ve changed a little bit since you’ve been on “The Tonight Show”.

Steve Martin: What? Me, change? Just because I’ve.. guest hosted “The Tonight Show”.

Gilda Radner: Guest-hosted. I know you’re on the road and everything..

Steve Martin: Well, you know, show business is my life.

Gilda Radner: What about my life?

Steve Martin: Well, uh.. I guess your life is ruined. I mean, you know I was a ramblin’ guy when you got involved.

Gilda Radner: Yeah, you could have called me, or something.

Steve Martin: But I did call you! I left the name of the lotion on your answering service!

Gilda Radner: Was that you?!

Steve Martin: Yeah! did the lotion work okay?

Gilda Radner: Oh, yes! Thank you!

Steve Martin: Okay, then. No problem, then.

Gilda Radner: Right.. right..

Steve Martin: Hey, uh, listen.. [ looks back at his dressing room, indicating girl ] This girl likes to crash early.. so, maybe I could over to your place about, uh, three? Something like that?

Gilda Radner: Three? Uh.. well, okay.. okay.

Steve Martin: Great! Ciao, baby! [ retreats down the hall ]

Gilda Radner: “Ciao, baby?”

Steve Martin: [ enters locker room ] Hey, compadres muchachos! How’s it going, buddies?

[ cool reception ]

John Belushi: [ sarcastic ] Well, look who’s here – Mr. Big-Time Show Business himself!

Garrett Morris: Yeah, Mr. Host of “The Tonight Show”.

Steve Martin: Guest host. I was a guest host once – big deal!

Bill Murray: Steve, uh.. I wasn’t here the last time you did the show, but from what I hear, I don’t think I like you too much.

Steve Martin: Hey, uh.. what’s bugging you guys? You know what I mean? I mean, I come out here to do the show, and you act like I’m some kind of aJack The Ripper. What’s the deal? Why don’t you tell me the truth here?

John Belushi: Alright, I’ll tell you: we all know what happened to Gilda.

Bill Murray: We think you got off pretty easy.

Steve Martin: Hey, is that all? Come on, you guys are guys! You’re a little bit jealous!

Garrett Morris: Hey, man, that has nothing to do with it, man! You’ve ruined the reputation of a Not Ready For Prime Time player!

Steve Martin: Well, excuuuuuuuuuuse me!

John Belushi: [ angry ] I’ll rip his face off!! I swear to God!!

Bill Murray: [ pulls John back ] Hey, he’s got a show to do, man! You get him bloody, we’ll ruin his pretty coat..

Steve Martin: Hey, let me tell you guys something: I come down here, I’m going on the air and everything, and you come out here and act like I’m some kind of bad guy or something! I just had a long, long, personal talk with Gilda, to kind of smooth things over, okay? So, look – I don’t need you, and you don’t need me! I’m gonna take a hike! How do you like that? I’m a ramblin’ guy, I think I’ll ramble! [ turns to exit ] Hey, good luck with the opening, Belushi! I’ll be seeing you!

John Belushi: [ grabs Steve ] You’re not going anywhere, until you do that opening.

Steve Martin: Heeeyy.. nobody tells me what to do!

John Belushi: [ grabs Steve’s fingers, pinches ] Yeah?! Now, say it, pal!

Steve Martin: I’m not gonna say it!

John Belushi: Say it!

Steve Martin: [ in pain ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts