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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin
…..Lily Tomlin

Steve Martin: I want to thank my special guest — Lily Tomlin! [ he claps for her ]

Lily Tomlin: Thank you!

[ the cast joins them onstage ]

Steve Martin: And The Kinks! City of Minneapolis, tomorrow night! [ he shakes Bill Murray’s hand ] The Not Ready For Prime Time Players! Laraine? [ he kisses Laraine Newman, as John Belushi holds his hand in wait for a handshake ] John Belushi. [ by now, Belushi has given up and pulled his hand back ] Hey, John! [ Belushi finally gets that handshake ]

[ the end credits roll ]

Announcer: Next week, watch “NBC’s Weekend with Lloyd Dobbin”. “Saturday Night” will return in two weeks, on March 12th, when our host will be sissy Spacek, with musical guest Richard Baskin. your announcer has been Donald Pardo! [ singing ] “D-O-N-A-L-D, P-A-R-D-O!” Good night!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

The Coneheads At Home

Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
IRS Agent…..Steve Martin

[ SUPER: “The Coneheads At Home” ]

[ Beldar comes down the stairs to Prymaat in the living area ]

Prymaat Conehead: Good morning, dear. How was your sleep phase?

Beldar Conehead: Sufficient! And yours?

Prymaat Conehead: I dreamt of the Gelatin Bowl on our home planet Remulak.

[ they touch cones, emitting high erotic pitch ]

Beldar Conehead: Mmmmm.. you have stimulated me! Let us return to the sleep chamber immediately!

[ Connie enters front door; her cone is painted in psychadelic colors ]

Connie Conehead: Good morning, parental units. I must inform you now that I will not be home from school tonight.

Beldar Conehead: [ alarmed ] Your cone! Unacceptable! Undesirable! Unacceptable!

Connie Conehead: Oh, come on, Dad! I have altered my cone for tonight! I’m attending a concert of a popular music group, called Peter Frampton. For some reason, I am the only girl who could get backstage.

Prymaat Conehead: Mip! I cannot comprehend those irregular sound patterns that you enjoy. Now, the Vigra Orbs of Remulak – that was music.

Beldar Conehead: Yes.

Connie Conehead: Oh, Daddy.. I hate school so much. I have absorbed all the knowledge there is to know. When will the star cruisers come to take us off this planet?

Beldar Conehead: Hear me, young one: you are privileged. When I was a small cone, my family lived in an isolated quadron. I had to walk ten dextrons, knee-deep in farlite-crystals each day, to a little red one-room data center! I’ll never forget my first programmer, Miss Morlax. I wonder if her life functions are still active.

[ doorbell rings ]

Connie Conehead: I have to split. I will respond to the door signal.

Beldar Conehead: Allow the human to enter. Return at the pre-determined time coordinates.

Connie Conehead: I will try. [ opens door to IRS Agent ] Greetings. Enter. My name is Connie, I think you’re cute. [ exits ]

IRS Agent: Uh.. is this the, uh.. [ reading form ] ..Con-Ed residence?

Beldar Conehead: Conehead! The name is Conehead! Please identify yourself!

IRS Agent: Uh.. I’m Eli Turnbull, of the Internal Revenue Service.. and I have some questions I have to ask you here.

Beldar Conehead: Very well. Sit!

IRS Agent: Uh.. you see, Mr. Conehead, according to our records, you’ve only, uh.. [ Beldar begins to chugging a whole six-pack of beer ] ..you’ve only been filing since 1968. Uh..

[ Prymaat wheels out a breakfast cart ]

Beldar Conehead: Ahhh! The morning meal! Shredded swine flesh.. and fried chicken embryos! Here. Dry citrus.

Prymaat Conehead: Bacon and eggs.

Beldar Conehead: [ eating slovenly ] Mmm..

IRS Agent: I guess you folks are really into breakfast!

Prymaat Conehead: Visitor, we advise you to.. to consume mass quantities.. of food.

IRS Agent: Hey, hey, that’s okay. Um.. Mr. & Mrs. Conehead,, I’m just trying to sort out your tax situation before ’68. Now, for the last nine years, you’ve only been filing under the name “Mr. & Mrs. Conehead.” Do you have a first name?

Beldar Conehead: I am Beldar!

Prymaat Conehead: I am Prymaat!

IRS Agent: O-kayy.. [ writing information down ] “Beldar Conehead.” That’s great. Now, it says here, you’re currently employed as a driving school instructor?

Beldar Conehead: Correct.

IRS Agent: [ picks up bottle of Tang, chuckles ] Hey.. isn’t this the drink the astronauts took to the Moon?

Beldar & Prymaat: Astronauts to the Moon!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!

IRS Agent: Yeah.. Okay, now, uh.. from ’68 to ’70, you were living at the Burdette Falls Season Trailer Park in Moleen, Ohio?

Beldar Conehead: Iowa. Correct.

IRS Agent: Okay, now about these deductons for last year – you claimed $2,000 for stocking caps.. $7,000 for beer.. and $2,000 for titanium; what is titanium, anyway?

Beldar Conehead: [ quick ] The most durable metal known to mankimd!

Prymaat Conehead: We need it to survive.

IRS Agent: Okay, fine.. now.. now, my main question is: where were you before 1968?

Beldar Conehead: We had not yet landed on this- in this country.

IRS Agent: Oh, I see.. then, you’re, you’re, you’re not from this country, you’re illegal aliens.

Prymaat Conehead: Yes! We come from France!

Beldar Conehead: France! We came from France!

IRS Agent: So.. you are aliens! That’s what I thought!

Beldar Conehead: Yes, our records were lost, when the craft which brought us from France plunged into Lake Michigan. We crawled from the bottom of the lake, and lived by night for years off our remaining proto-caps.

IRS Agent: Ye-eah.. listen.. I think I’ve got al the information I need right here. Um.. I’m just going to trn this over to Missing Records, and, uh.. there’s no problem! You know, I mean, I know where you’re coming from, hey! Stocking caps, titanium and beer – what the heck, it happens all the time! So, I’ll be going. [ heads for the door ]

Beldar Conehead: All things are woven of the same molecular fiber!

IRS Agent: [ humoring Beldar ] That’s so true.. I’m gonna write that down. Hey, taxes are no big deal, so, uh.. you call us! No problem!

Prymaat Conehead: Have a safe journey.

Beldar Conehead: Someday, you can take me to your supervisor.

IRS Agent: [ hurriedly ] Great.. great.. [ exits ]

Beldar Conehead: [ to Prymaat ] Do we have time for a quick one before I must prepare for work?

Prymaat Conehead: Yes. Let’s do it right here in the living room.

Beldar Conehead: Yes. Let’s.

[ they toss sensor rings upon one another’s cones ]

Beldar Conehead: You have stimulated me..! You have stimulated me..!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Dr. Breadloaf’s Quick-Loss Diet Book

Dr. Ruth Breadloaf…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Dr. Ruth Breadloaf standing on a scale ]

Announcer: Dr. Ruth Breadloaf, America’s Foremost Weight-Loss Expert.

Dr. Ruth Breadloaf: [ steps off scale ] Yes! Even a woman doctor like me can have a weight problem! That’s why, for many years, I’ve tried exhausting exercises, harmful pills, and, worst of all, complex and annoying diets. So, finally, I wrote my own book! [ holds up her book ] A step-by-step, easy-to-understand, easy-to-follow book that’s absolutely 100% fullproof! I call it “Dr. Breadloaf’s Quick Loss Diet Book”. Let’s turn to Page One and read the instruction:

[ she turns to the first page ]

“Breakfast: eat Page One!” That’s right — you simply tear the page out of the book — [ she tears the page ] and EAT it! What could be easier or more slimming? [ she takes a bite out of the page ] Mmm-mmm!

[ she continues reading ]

“And for lunch, eat Page Two!”

[ she tears the page out and eats it ]

“Followed by a hearty dinner of Pages Three and Four!”

[ she tears the pages out and eats them ]

Mmm-mmm! That’s good! And, of course, these books come with extra pages for holiday dinners, color illustrations for midnight snacks, and imported cardboard binding for gourmet dining at its best! And, for Jews, two books! Paperbacks, for poor people! I don’t care who you are, I don’t care how much you weigh, I don’t even care if you can READ!! [ she spits out the excess paper in her mouth ] All I care is that you use my book for ONE week, and if you are not completely satisfied, return the uneaten portion to me, and I’ll return your money! Order now and receive, free of charge, this combination bookmark/birthday cake. [ she pulls out the bookmark and chews on it ]

Announcer: You’ll lose weight fast and feel wonderful — yes, here’s a book with a happy ending. For your copy, send $8.95 in cash or money order to:

[ address card appears on screen ]

“Dr. Breadloaf’s
Quick-Loss Diet Book
P.O. Box 22-K
Garden City, Long Island
New York, 10009″

[ dissolve back to Dr. Ruth Breadloaf ]

Dr. Ruth Breadloaf: And this is Dr. Ruth Breadloaf saying: Tonight, why not relax, curl up with a good book, and eat it?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14

76n: Steve Martin / The Kinks

Hollywood Bingo

Gern Blanston……Steve Martin
Charo…..Gilda Radner
Sammy Davis, Jr…..Garrett Morris
Sandy Duncan…..Laraine Newman
Vincent Price…..Dan Aykroyd
Rose Marie…..Jane Curtin
George Jessel…..Al Franken
Hal Linden…..Bill Murray
Robert Blake…..John Belushi
Farrah Fawcett-Majors…..Lily Tomlin
Steffy Hellers…..Mitchell Laurance
Trink Mexico…..Tom Schiller
Sonja Bordva…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Sister Mary Margaret Mary…..Rosie Schuster
Cy Blickman…..Tom Davis
Star #2…..Cheryl Hardwick
Star #3…..Jim Downey
Star #4…..Howard Shore
Woody Allen’s sister…..Anne Beatts
Garth Lunthro…..Michael O’Donoghue
Harold Giblan…..Alan Zweibel

[Open on a red “Hollywood Bingo” sign, bordered with flashing lights,two of them burnt out. Very fast-paced, jolly theme music plays]

Don Pardo V/O: And now it’s time to play Hollywood Bingo! Solet’s bring out your host, Gern Blanston!

[applause; Gern walks out and stands in front of a small bingomachine, an empty blue backdrop behind him. He bows and points to thecamera]

Gern Blanston: Thank you, Don Pardo! Thank you and goodevening. I’m Gern Blanston , and welcome to Hollywood Bingo,where you meet the big stars, go for the big prizes and the big money.You know how the game is played: [channeling Peter Marshall] Sixacrossupordownandtheresafreespaceandgoforthebigmoney –[pauses] OK now, let’s meet the stars. Hello, stars!

[Cut to a very oversized bingo card. In place of the numbers aretwenty-four stars and a Free Space. The stars wave]

Stars: Hello, Gern!

Gern Blanston: OK! Right away, under the B, why it’s thatLatina hot tamale Charo!

Charo: Oh holy tamale I can’t tell you, I’m so hootchie-hootchie-hootchie — [shakes her chest at Gern]

Gern Blanston: Charo will be appearing at the Imperial BoomBoom Room in Lake Tahoe throughout March. Say, if anyone can, theCandyman can, ’cause the Candyman is none other than I-19, SammyDavis, Jr!

[Sammy’s head barely pops out from the bottom of his square. Noglasses, his eyes are shut]

Sammy Davis, Jr: Oh you’re embarrassing me, man, like you’remuch too kind, man—

Gern Blanston: Thank you, Sammy! Sammy will be opening withDean in Vegas. Say, here’s a crazy kooky nut who sees things Sammy’sway, Sandy Duncan!

Sandy Duncan: Hi, everybody. I’ll be starring in Stratford,Connecticut, where I’ll be playing Kate in “Taming of the Shrew.”[laughs as her glass eye wanders]

Gern Blanston: Next star, author, actor gourmet chef,all-around great guy G-50, Vincent Price!

Vincent Price: You know I adore doing the show, Gern, and Ijust want to say I have a cookbook coming out from Viking Press.It’s called Through His Stomach. [leers at the camera]

Gern Blanston: Hey, our next gal is a great old gal, thelovely, or talented , Rose Marie!

Rose Marie: [laughs in her gravelly voice] Ha ha ha! What’reya doin’ after the show?

Gern Blanston: Ro will be appearing on old reruns of “The DickVan Dyke Show.” Hey, I love to kid our next star, Mr. Show Bizhimself, B-8, Georgie Jessel!

George Jessel: It’s- it’s a real pleasure to be here, Gern.And believe me, at my age, it’s a pleasure to be anywhere .

Gern Blanston: Ha ha ha! Georgie just cut an album on the MCAlabel, “Jessel Does It to Jolson.” Hey, I’m real proud to be able tocall our next star my close personal friend, Mr. Television himself,Hal Linden!

Hal Linden: You know, uh, I love “Barney Miller,” but my realroots are in the legitimate theatre. And I’d love to sing a song for—

Gern Blanston: [interrupting Hal] Great, great, Hal. Nowlisten, Hal’s hoping to do a guest shot on “The McLean Stevenson Show”next year. Good luck on that one , Hal! Hey, here’s a star whomade the successful transition from movies to television, the actorand star of “Baretta,” Robert Blake!

Robert Blake: [with a cigarette hanging from his mouth] Fiveyears ago, I woulda done this show on a dare! I’m doing it nowbecause I got a big hit. You can bank on that—dese, dem, dose, dem—

Gern Blanston: Ladies and gentlemen I have to say, you know, ifGod had angels as pretty as this next guest, he wouldn’t have died.Ladies and gentlemen, Farrah Fawcett-Majors!

[Farrah says nothing, but giggles and shakes her head back and forth]

You know, Farrah and her hair will be appearing in separate cities.And now, a Fonzie lookalike, Steffy Hellers, O-67.

[Steffy gives a thumbs-up to the camera]

OK, I don’t know who he is. OK, let’s see, under the B, let’s welcomeTrink Mexico.

[Trink smiles and waves his wire bow tie]

Trink is in the national touring company of “Love on a Pin.” OK, now,the sensational Sonja Bordva.

[camera pans to Sonja; Gern is moving through the stars more quickly now]

Sonja is currently appearing on “Hollywood Bingo.” OK, that brings usup to the Charley Weaver Memorial Free Square. [Gern suddenly takes ona solemn tone of voice. The face of Charley Weaver appears in thecenter square] And Charley will be appearing… nowhere. You know,Charley would’ve loved that joke.

Next, G-56, a real nun and a real cad to boot. It’s Sister MaryMargaret Mary, the Nutty Nun!

[Sister Mary waves, wearing a Groucho disguise]

Hey, isn’t she funny? How about O-72, Cy Blickman!

[Cy shows off his wine glass]

Cy will understudy Rip Taylor in the L.A. production of “Dial N for Nurder.”

[The camera pans past the next four stars quickly as Gern tries torecognize them]

And under the B…never saw him before, don’t know who he is…never seenhim before…not sure about him…and we’re not sure about this personeither, ladies and gentlemen–

[The camera reaches the last person in the row]

But we do believe this next person right along here is Woody Allen’s sister!

[She wears Woody Allen’s glasses, and gives a nervous wave to the camera]

Alright now, under the B, it’s Garth Lunthro, road manager for Micky Dolenz!

[Garth smiles and points to his right]

Now I-28, Fern Ligman.

[Fern appears frightened]

Fern just finished King Kong, in which she played “A FrightenedPerson.” OK, say hi to Harold Giblan, butcher.

[Harold nods]

Harold will be appearing behind the meat counter weekdays ’til 6.Now G-49, that’s my old cousin Peter Libra.

[Peter is picking his nose until he notices the camera’s on him]

And finally, O-73, Joanie from next door. Joanie eats food.

[Jodie crams a slice of cake in her mouth]

And those are our stars tonight on Hollywood Bingo! [buzzer rings;the theme music starts up again] Hey, we’re all out of time. Don’thave time to play the game, but tune in next week when 25 differentstars will plug 25 different things. Goodbye, stars!

[Gern waves at the stars, and they all wave back. Applause; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:


February 26th, 1977

Steve Martin

The Kinks

Lily Tomlin

Buster Holmes

Cheryl Hardwick

Joe Dicso

Howard Shore

Anne Beatts

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Al Franken

Mitchell Laurance

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Schiller

Rosie Shuster

Alan Zwiebel
Steve’s Head TripSummary: The cast is dismayed to learn that Steve Martin has let his recent success go to his head.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: During his stand-up routine, Steve Martin gets happy feet and describes “getting small.”

Transcript

The Coneheads At HomeSummary: An IRS agent (Steve Martin) questions the Coneheads about their tax returns.

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead.

Transcript

Garrett Morris sings “Nur wer die Sehnsucht kennt”

Celebrity WeightliftingSummary: Jackie Onassis (Gilda Radner) is no match for Russian chanpion, Vasselai Alexev (John Belushi).

Recurring Characters: Jackie Onassis.

Transcript

The Kinks perform a medley of their hitsSummary: A medley consisting of “You Really Got Me Going”, “All Day And All of the Night”, “Well-Respected Man”, and “Lola” medley

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Laraine Newman reports from a dangerous military aircraft.

Transcript

Dr. Breadloaf’s Quick-Loss Diet BookSummary: Dr. Breadloaf (Gilda Radner) eats the pages of her book for quick nourishment.

Transcript

Broadway Baby

Pull The PlugSummary: A doctor (Steve Martin) advises that parents (Bill Murray, Jane Belushi) pull the plug on their comatose son (John Belushi).

Transcript

Buster Holmes’ RestaurantSummary: Buster Holmes shows off his New Orleans restaurant.

Hollywood BingoSummary: The introduction of a full card of celebrity guests takes up the game show’s full running time.

Recurring Characters: Farrah Fawcett, Vincent Price, Robert Blake, Sammy Davis, Jr., Sandy Duncan, Charo.

Transcript

From The Big Orange To The Big AppleSummary: Lily Tomlin takes her characters to New York City.

Roots IISummary: More oppressed ancestors of Alex Haley (Garrett Morris).

Transcript

The Kinks performs “Sleepwalker”

Singles BarSummary: At a singles bar, a man (Steve Martin) and a woman (Gilda Radner) learn they share odd traits.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Credit Card Counseling

Barbara…..Jane Curtin
Rhonda Weiss…..Gilda Radner

[ open in Barbara’s office at the credit card company ]

Barbara: Look, Miss Weiss, I’ll say it again – we would not be suspending your MasterBank card if you exercised better control over your spending.

Rhonda Weiss: Well, I am terribly sorry. I can’t tell you what an embarassment it is for me to be called in like this.

Barbara: Regardless, Miss Weiss, it seems to have happened. These records all show you were way over your credit limit, and the card must be suspended. They speak for themselves! Here, let’s look at your receipts..

Rhonda Weiss: [ reluctantly ] Alright.

Barbara: Now, this first one –

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, alright, it’s for the silk blouse I’m wearing.

Barbara: For which you paid $65.39.

Rhonda Weiss: On sale!

Barbara: You call that a sale? I got a silk blouse for $35 at Saks!

Rhonda Weiss: Well, I got a silk blouse for $20 at Bloomingdale’s, marked down twice.

Barbara: I once purchased a pure silk blouse for $10 at Bonnewitz, originally $99.

Rhonda Weiss: Well, I have, in my possession, a 100% silk blouse which was given to me by the head buyer at Gimball’s, for free.

Barbara: It so happens a friend of mine once paid me $10 to take a silk blouse off her hands when she was moving. You understand?

Rhonda Weiss: You actually made money getting a silk blouse?

Barbara: And it is so gorgeous, it’s to die for. To kill yourself from! You could take a bottle of aspirin, put a knife through your heart, a bullet through your head, and throw yourself out a window from this blouse!

Rhonda Weiss: Not to mention the $10.

Barbara: Exactly. [ looks through her papers ] Now, this receipt, from Sun Drugs for $25.95?

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, yeah. Now that’s for several things.

Barbara: For instance?

Rhonda Weiss: Well, uh, first of all, once a month –

Barbara: Oh, yes..

Rhonda Weiss: Well, all I can tell you is, on the first day I go through one every half-hour.

Barbara: On my first day, I go through two every fifteen minutes.

Rhonda Weiss: Plus, I get so bloated I cannot zip my pants. I mean, we are talking miss Blimp.

Barbara: Bloat? Bloat?! You want to talk from bloat?! I retain water like a reservoir! But even worse, I get so sore I cannot sleep on my stomach, you know what I’m saying!

Rhonda Weiss: Do I know what you’re saying? Listen, I’m just lucky if I can put on a blouse!

Barbara: And then, of course, there’s the cramp.

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, don’t talk to me! I drop dead for 24 hours!

Barbara: Is that all? Mine last for a week, and they start the week before.

Rhonda Weiss: Well, when I get those, they start two weeks before, and go for a week after! We’re talking cramps for one entire month! I mean, one ends, and an hour later Miss Blimp drops dead!

Barbara: Well, that explains the drugstore. [ looks through her papers ] Now.. Li Pha Ho’s Restaurant, $15. you like Chinese food?

Rhonda Weiss: It’s my life!

Barbara: Well, I know where to get the best Chinese food in New York.

Rhonda Weiss: Where?

Barbara: The East Side. Wong’s. Very few people know about it.

Rhonda Weiss: Really? Well, I know where to get the best Chinese food in the country.

Barbara: Where?

Rhonda Weiss: Denver. Hong’s. Nobody knows about it!

Barbara: I know where to get the best Chinese food in the world.

Rhonda Weiss: Where?

Barbara: China. Even I don’t know about it! They blindfold you before you go in, so you don’t see the name. [ looks at Rhonda ] Oh, such cute earrings.

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, I got them from my brother. He’s a dentist and a jeweler.

Barbara: Really? My brother’s a doctor and a lawyer.

Rhonda Weiss: Really?

Barbara: And a furrier! When I had my accident, he examined me, defended me, and replaced my coat.

Rhonda Weiss: Well, my other brother is a dentist, a jeweler, a doctor, a lawyer, an accountant, and the owner of a Sweet and Low factory.

Barbara: Oh, how nice for you. Well, Miss Weiss, I think you understand we’ll be expecting a payment from you at the end of the month.

Rhonda Weiss: Well, look, could I have a little extension? I mean, I’m having my nails wrapped, and I’m not allowed to hold a pen for four weeks.

Barbara: Well, why don’t you use the penny nails? They’re wonderful! You can type!

Rhonda Weiss: Really?

Barbara: Yes! I typed all your warnings!

Rhonda Weiss: Where do you get ’em?

Barbara: At a little place downstairs, I’m going there in ten minutes.

Rhonda Weiss: Well, can I come along?

Barbara: Oh, Miss Weiss, I repaid you –

Barbara: Look, look, look.. I know a diet where you can lose 100 pounds in one hour.

Rhonda Weiss: [ giving in ] You can use my card.

Barbara: Thanks!

[ pan upwards to audience, zoom in on bored-looking man with SUPER: “Lost Interest at 11:31” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Before I begin my regular news broadcast tonight, I’d like to read you a letter. [ holds letter ] “Dear Jane Curtin: I certainly miss Chevy, he is real sexy. You can’t hold a candle to him. Would you please send me his photograph? Yours sincerely, Margie Kaufman.” [ puts letter down ] I’ve been getting letters about News Update lately with phrases like “Going Downhill”, “Not What It Used To Be”, and “Just Plain Boring.” Mostly the letters are about how Update isn’t as good as when that “sexy Chevy Chase” did it. The network says the ratings are slipping, and they’re putting a lot of pressure on Lorne to try somebody new, like that new kid Murray, or whatever his name is. You see, I just assumed it was responsible journalism you wanted, not sex. I gave you more credit than that. But I was wrong. What can I say, besides… “Try THESE on for size, Connie Chung!” [ she rips open her blouse and exposes her black bra ] If it’s raw news you want, it’s raw news you get!

Our top story tonight: following the Vatican declaration that women cannot becoem priests because they do not resemble Christ, sources report that Colonel Sanders has declared that he will not employ anyone that does not resemble a chicken.

Well, everybody talks about the weather, especially this cold winter, but many times they are inaccurate. A spokesperson for the Association of American Witches & Warlocks said today, “A witches’ breast is no colder than the average American woman’s breast.” More on this story as it develops.

Since Jimmy Carter has been in the White House, the telephone switchboards there have been jammed with 80,000 calls a day. Operators say that 1,000 are official business, and 79,000 are obscene phone calls traced to a phone booth in San Clemente, California.

In a shattering landmark ruling, the Swedish government has released this statement: [ Jane recites a corny Swedish ramble ]

The United States Army has announced that it has developed a cruise missile in retaliation to a similar weapon built by the Soviet Union. The Army is spending $2.6 billion for this missle that tracks down its target no matter where it is. “Weekend Update” was able to sneak its cameras into the testing site in the Nevada flats, and obtained this footage of the first trial launching of the cruise missile.

[ footage from an old silent film is played, as Jane narrates ]

There’s the launch, and a cruise missile is off! Ah, it spots its target. There it goes. There’s just no stopping this cruise missile, folks! $2.6 billion! In pursuit of its target. It’s a heat-seeking device, but always get its man, and, sometimes, its woman. $2.6 billion. Uh-huh. Look out. It’s the cruise missile.

[ end footage ]

Still To Come: Jimmy Carter likes Amy’s friends. After this message.

[ dissolve to “Community Appeal” ]

[ return from ad parody ]

Jane Curtin: Hi!

Former President Gerald Ford enjoyed a round of golf today near his Palm Springs home. When a reporter asked him whether he regrets not being the Chief Executive, Ford said, “I’m glad I’m not the Chief Executive, or the President, because then there would be two Presidents. I believe in the One-President System.”

In the wake of the phenomenal success of the TV production of “Roots”, based on Alex Haley’s bestseller, Mr. Haley has reportedly revealed a mistake in his research of his family origins. Instead of tracing himself back to an 18th century Kunte Kinte, Haley says he goes back only as far as the 1930’s vocal group The Inkspots. Haley has apologized to his publisher and to the American Broadcast Company, and, for some unknown reason, Shirley Temple Black. I don’t know why.

[ Jane playfully pulls back the collar of her blouse to reveal bare skin ]

“Weekend Update” would like to correct a mistake in one of our news items last week. In a profile of Mamie Eisenhower, we inadvertently reported that she once knocked out Floyd Patterson to win the Heavyweight crown. Well, we stand corrected!

Our final story tonight… I’m overwhelming you, aren’t I?

Despite the fact that this is the coldest winter in years, and that, with the chill factor, temperatures have been well below zero, the members of New York’s famed Polar Bear Club were not discouraged from taking an early morning swim today. Sixteen members entered the frigid waters off Coney Island this morning, clad only in bathing suits to prove that they could brave even the roughest of elements. One humorous note: all sixteen members froze to death.

Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Team Saturday Night

Coach…..John Belushi
…..Fran Tarkenton
…..cast of “Saturday Night”

[ open on a locker room set ]

Coach: I can’t… play the game for you, I don’t know what else to tell ya’. I don’t know what else to do. This is the Big One! Our last two games, we were off our games. Okay? We blew some sure laughs. We were SLOPPY! We didn’t have any GUTS! Let’s face it: we didn’t want it BAD enough!! Okay. Now, we’re losing some strength — Belushi’s gonna be out this week. But I’ll be on the sidelines, sending in those jokes — WHEN it’s necessary! Now, when you get out in front of those cameras, I want you yto act what you feel! Act what you KNOW!! And, remember: what’s the most important thing?

Cast: BE FUNNY!!!!

Coach: Fight!!

All: Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Fight..!!

Coach: Okay, alright! Now, Tark — you’re gonna be out there first. You got any questions?

Fran Tarkenton: Uh, yeah — if I tell a joke, and it doesn’t get an immediate response, uh, do I wait for a laugh?

Coach: No! [ he punches a locker ] No, no! Bill!

Bill Murray: Uh — when a joke doesn’t get a laugh, tell the joke it should make a face.

Coach: What kind of a face?

Bill Murray: Uh, a FUNNY face!

Coach: A funny face. Alright. Fight!

[ everyone repeats the chant ]

Coach: Okay, okay, okay! Alright, alright! Any more questions? [ Fran Takenton raises his hand ] Tark?

Fran Tarkenton: Uh, Coach, if I blow a line or a word, uh, what do I do? Ignore it?

Coach: No, no, NOOO!!! [ he swats Tarkenton against a locker ] Gilda!

Gilda Radner: Uh — when you blow a line or a word, the blower of the line or word should acknowledge it and have fun with it!

Coach: Good! and, Jane, WHY do we have fun with it?

Jane Curtin: [ stands and shouts ] Because if WE don’t have fun with it, the AUDIENCE won’t have fun with it!! [ she initiates the group into their chant ]

Coach: Alright, alright, alright! Good! Uh — are there any other questions?

Fran Tarkenton: [ raises his hand ] Yeah.

Coach: Tark?

Fran Tarkenton: I forgot, uh… the first joke of my monologue!

Coach: [ stunned ] What? Are you clutching? Is that it? You’re telling me it’s true what they say about you, that Fran Tarkenton can’t win the Big One? Oh, boy… That you’re a loser? [ wraps his arm around Tarketon ] Fran, let me tell ya’ a story. A story about a… kid who, uh, played football in high school. His grades were pretty bad. But he played football. He played four years, and his grades got up. He went to the University of Illinois. Football scholarship, got good grades there. He played football there, then he went on to Harvard Law School, graduated and… went to Chicago to become a successful banker. That’s boy’s name… was Bob Buckley.

Fran Tarkenton: Who’s Bob Buckley, Coach?

Coach: A guy I went to high school with.

Voice: Hey, come on! [ the chant begins again ]

Coach: Alright!! Now, look — I can’t host the show for you! You’re gonna be out there hosting that show for yourself! You lose your head out there, out in front of those cameras, YOU are gonna make a fool out of yourself! Alright?! Okay, now look — [ he turns to a blackboard ] What do you do here? [ he points to the center of the board ]

Fran Tarkenton: I do my monologue.

Coach: Your monologue. Good! [ poits to an upper corner ] What do you do here?

Fran Tarkenton: My act.

Coach: Your act. Alright, good. [ points to the other corner ] What do you do here?

Fran Tarkenton: Well, I introduce Leo Sayer and Donny Harper and his singers.

Coach: Good! Now, look, Tark — just maintain your sense of humor. Just kind of laugh, have some fun with it! Stay loose! Stay in condition! Yuo know, that was what was wrong with Tony Orlando & Dawn — they didn’t stay IN CONDITION!! Okay? Laugh!

[ the cast begins their chant again ]

Coach: Everybody! Everybody! Let’s have some of them exercises — comedy cals! Okay! Take to the RIGHT!!

[ they all jerk their heads to the right ]

Coach: Take to the LEFT!!

[ they all jerk their heads to the left ]

Coach: Double-take, RIGHT!!

[ they all double-jerk their heads to the right ]

Coach: Double-take, LEFT!!

[ they all double-jerk their heads to the left ]

Coach: Okay! Right eyebrow, UP!!

[ they all lift their right eyebrows ]

Coach: Left eyebrow, UP!!

[ they all lift their left eyebrows ]

Coach: Both eyebrows, UP!!

[ they all lift both eyebrows ]

Coach: Okay, now MUG!!

[ they all mug their faces ]

Coach: Funny faces!! Mug!! Cross yor eyes!! Good! Good! Come on, MUG, Curtin, MUG!! Aykroyd!!

[ everyone is contorting their faces into ridiculous positions ]

Coach: Okay! Good, good, good, good!! [ everyone stops mugging ] Okay, we’re good and loose. Okay, let’s get together for a team prayer. Get down on one knee. [ everyone kneels upon one knee ] “Dear Lord… please give us the zaniness and courage these men need to make America laugh. Because America is the funniest nation in the world. Help them remember what their coach has told them, so that every man here will have learned something about himself. And please, Lord, help guide Fran Tarkenton… so that he will NOT humiliate himself… like he did… in the Superbowl.”

All: AMEN!!! AMEN!!!

[ everyone rises ]

Coach: GET OUT THERE!!!

All: HUT!!! HUT!!! HUT!!! HUT!!! HUT!!!

[ everyone runs out onto one of the main stages. They huddle together, then fling their arms into the air in a collective stance. ]

All: “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Sugar-Coated Anabolic Steroids

…..Fran Tarkenton
Wife…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Fran sitting at the kitchen table ]

Fran Tarkenton: Hi, I’m Fran Tarkenton. You know, it takes strength and stamina to play pro football. You need to replace lots of lost muscle tissue fast, and sometimes your metabolic system just can’t pull it off alone. That’s why I start each day… with a big bowl of Sugar-Frosted Anabolic Steroids.

[ he pours a box of the cereal into a bowl ]

This cereal is a delicious synthetic derivative of male hormones, and in one eight-ounce bowl I get more than my body would produce in three years.

[ he holds up the individual colored pieces ]

There’s testosterone, for quick weight gain.

Stanazol, to boost your strength.

And these androgens, to help promote aggressiveness and turn your grapes into raisins.

But the BEST part — [ he chuckles ] has got to be the taste. It’s great with milk, or right from the box. [ he pours milk into his cereal bowl, and chugs a few pieces by hand ] Mmm! Slightly sweetened, and mixed with chewy arshmallow magnesium bits to help slow sudden muscle decay.

So, whether you’re a professional athlete… or just a housewife — [ camera pans right to reveal his bearded wife seated next to him ] lower your metabolism the way the pros do: with Sugar-Frosted Anabolic Steroids. The male hormone cereal. Oh! I almost forgot.

[ cut to a young boy seated at the table, also bearded ]

Kids like it, too.

Announcer: Sugar-Frosted Anabolic Steroids. The official cereal of the Soviet Union Shotput Team.

[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on woman with CAPTION: “Flunked Body Language” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Black Perspective

…..Garrett Morris
…..Fran Tarkenton

Garrett Morris: Good evening, and welcome to “Black Perspective”. I’m your host, Garrett Morris. Tonight’s discussion concerns the black athlete in pro football. And our guest is the legendary quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings, Fran Tarkenton. Welcome, Fran.

Fran Tarkenton: Well, thank you, it’s nice to be here.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, Fran. Aside from your fabulous career on the field, you are also a member of the National Football League’s committee on race relations.

Fran Tarkenton: Well, that’s true, Garrett. I’ve been the Chairman since 1971.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, you’ve been quoted as saying that football is really brotherhood in action, man. What did you mean by that?

Fran Tarkenton: Well, you know, a football team is a family, a family unit consisting of 40 men living and working together toward a goal – winning. And it’s a family that counts. The only color that exists is the color of a player’s jersey.

Garrett Morris: Well, times certainly have changed, Fran. I mean, we’ve come a long way.

Fran Tarkenton: Yeah, and it’s about time, I say.

Garrett Morris: Right on. right on, man. But still, man, even in 1977, you know, some stereotypes still exist, wouldn’t you agree?

Fran Tarkenton: Uh, none that I know of.

Garrett Morris: Well, how about the myth that a black man can not make it as a pro quarterback? There are 28 teams in the league, and only three of them have black quarterbacks, and they all sitting on the bench, you know what I mean?

Fran Tarkenton: Uh.. yeah, yeah.

Garrett Morris: Well, for years there’s been this myth that a black’s mind is not elaborate enough to read defenses. And he can’t call audible from the line, and that he has no leadership qualities. Now, you’ve been, you know, in the league for sixteen years, and you just said that there is no prejudice, right?

Fran Tarkenton: Uh, yes.

Garrett Morris: Then, what about these myths?

Fran Tarkenton: They’re absolutely true, Garrett.

Garrett Morris: I must have missed something. What did you say?

Fran Tarkenton: It’s not a myth, it’s a fact. Every black I know has trouble with area codes, let alone numbers of plays!

Garrett Morris: Wait, wait, wait.. say that again?

Fran Tarkenton: Well, you know, even the black kids in the summer camp I run don’t have it. Sure, they can dance in the end zone, they’ve got the bomes in their feet. But when it comes to leadership, one black quarterback on the forty yard line ends up in the parking lot with a bucket of chicken!

Garrett Morris: Hey, man, I know what you mean! Yeah, that’s true! Yeah, I know what you mean!

Fran Tarkenton: And, Garrett, let’s face it – try to be objective. If you were on the offensve line, would you turn your back on a black guy standing behind you? Especially during a night game?

Garrett Morris: No, man.. not me. I’ve got a wife and kids. Uh.. look, man, thank you for clearing that up, man. I’ve always had a problem about that. And thank you for watching “Black Perspective”. Next week, Mark Spitz explains why there are no black swimmers.

[ zoom out ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Pornographic Money For Cash Freaks” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts