Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

Crazy Frank

Crazy Frank…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Crazy Frank standing behind an appliance counter with a TV and turntable on it ]

Crazy Frank: [ waving his a hands frantically into the camera ] CRAZY ERNIE!! Boy, is Ernie crazy!! He’s been at it again, folks, slashing prices so low you won’t believe it!! Shop around, then come see for yourself!! Crazy Ernie will NOT be undersold!! For the BEST bargains in stereos, color TVs, radios — Crazy Ernie is your man!! He’s got it ALL!! [??] hi-fi components, coaxial [??] with custom headphones — cassette decks — [??]and LOTS, LOTS MORE!!! CRAZY ERNIE!! His prices are IN-SANE!!

[ SUPER: “Amplifiers: $534.98 (scratched out) NOW: $49.95” ]

[ SUPER: “Tapedecks: $349.98 (scratched out) NOW: $19.95” ]

[ SUPER: “Stereo Speakers: $266.98 (scratched out) NOW: $4.00” ]

I mean it — his prices are IN-SANE!!! Because Crazy Ernie is really CRAZY!! And I don’t mean “crazy prices” crazy — I’m talking crazy “not playing with a full deck” crazy!! I mean, REALLY CRAZY!! Look at this: [ touches the turntable ] This [??] with face-lock circuitry and direct-motor drive: $900!! Marked down to $12!!

[ SUPER: “Turntables: $900.00 (scratched out) NOW: $12.00” ]

And this brand new ? now yours for fifty-two cents!!

[ SUPER: “Color TV’s: $699.00 (scratched out) NOW: 52¢” ]

WHY is Crazy Ernie slashing prices SO LOW??!! Because it’s NOT Crazy Ernie’s store!! [ checks over his shoulder ] In fact… [ whispers ] He’s not even Crazy Ernie — he’s Crazy Frank, Crazy Ernie’s cousin. You see, last Tuesday, the real Crazy Ernie — whose store this really is — ran off to the Bahamas with Crazy Frank’s girl. To tell you the truth, I DON’T LIKE BEING LEFT ALONE WITH HIM!! You know, if I had a shovel or something to stun him with, you know —

YOU’D be crazy not to tkae advantage of these bargains!! Cash in on this!! Crazy Frank wants to unload all this stuff by next Tuesday, when the REAL Crazy Ernie gets back from the Bahamas!! Crazy Frank!! His prices are IN-SA-A-A-A-ANE!!!

[ surrounding SUPER: “Crazy Frank” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

Sex Questions

Written by: Anne Beatts & Rosie Shuster

Babysitter…..Ruth Gordon
Little Girl…..Gilda Radner

TV Voice: Due to the mature subject matter dealt with in the following film, parental discretion is advised.

Announcer: And now: “Babies in Make-Up”.

[ Babysitter turns the TV off ]

Little Girl: Oh, no! Oh, no! Please, Mrs. Gilley, please can I watch it? Oh, please, I’ll be so sad if I don’t, it’s gonna be the best show on television! Please!

Babysitter: No. Your mother told me you’re not allowed to watch it.

Little Girl: Why?

Babysitter: Because it’s dirty.

Little Girl: Dirty, like take-a-bath dirty?

Babysitter: Not exactly.

Little Girl: Dirty, like barenaked-in-front-of-strangers dirty?

Babysitter: Yeah, more like that.

Little Girl: Like, when your pajama trap door is open and there’s company over and your bum shows?

Babysitter: Yeah.

Little Girl: Mrs. Gilley?

Babysitter: What, Penny?

Little Girl: Want to see my bum?

Babysitter: No.

Little Girl: Mrs. Gilley, Why do girls have more dirty parts than boys?

Babysitter: Because.. boys are always losing their things. God figured, if you clump all the dirty parts together, they’d know where to find them.

Little Girl: Well.. if.. if.. boys don’t have fuzz bumps, how come they still have two pink dots right here?

Babysitter: Yeah. Well, see.. that’s for when God blew them up.

Little Girl: Mrs. Gilley, how do you get a baby?

Babysitter: Well, the man takes the lady out to a fancy dinner, then go home and they do the Cha Cha lying down?

Little Girl: And then what happens?

Babysitter: Well, then the next day, the mommy calls up her best friend from across the road, asks her to go out and buy pillows so she can stuff them up her sweater.

Little Girl: Oh, no, no, that’s wrong! Tell me the real way you get a baby.

Babysitter: No, you’re too young.

Little Girl: Oh, please, please!

Babysitter: Oh, okay. Here’s the real story. You see, the man zips and unzips his pants seven times real quick, and then he says, “Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby!”

Little Girl: [ excited ] Oh.. well, I know all this stuff, anyway. First, the lady marries a daddy, and then they have a baby.. and then the lady marries another daddy, and then they have another baby, and then the babies go on television.

Babysitter: Where’d you learn that?

Little Girl: “Sonny & Cher”.

Babysitter: Well, that’s all wrong, see.. the daddy takes off his jockey shorts, and the mommy puts them on. Then they go in the kitchen and they eat bacon and eggs off the same fork.

Little Girl: Oh. Well.. now that I know everything, can we watch the movie?

Babysitter: Okay. But don’t tell your mother, huh?

Little Girl: Okay.

[ Babysitter turns the TV back on ]

Voice on TV: Oh baby, oh baby, oh baby..

[ pan out to audience full shot ]

[ SUPER: “Is Helen Gurley’s Brown?” ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 22nd, 1977

Ruth Gordon

Chuck Berry

Ricky Jay

Lorne Michaels

Neil Levy

Michael O’Donoghue

Injured JohnSummary: John Belushi is in no condition to do tonight’s show, but his doctor will cut off his drug supply if he doesn’t get paid.

Transcript

Montage

Ruth Gordon’s MonologueSummary: Ruth Gordon announces that she’s ready to do tonight’s show.

Transcript

The MarinesSummary: A gay Marine (Garrett Morris) tries to pick up a few good men.

Note: Repeat from 11/13/76.

MeSummary: Barbra Streisand (Laraine Newman) sings “Me”, a medley about how great she is.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Streisand.

Transcript

The Litella Sisters At HomeSummary: Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) and her sister Essie (Ruth Gordon) make toast and discuss the day’s issues.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

TomorrowSummary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) talks with director Dino De Laurentiis (John Belushi) discusses his “King Kong” remake.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

Transcript

Chuck Berry performs “Johnny B. Goode”

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Laraine Newman interviews Lillian Carter (Gordon) about being First Mother. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) tells Jane Curtin that she has nothing to report on.

Recurring Characters: Lillian Carter, Emily Litella.

Transcript

Crazy FrankSummary: Crazy Frank (Dan Aykroyd) gets revenge on Crazy Ernie by slahing his prices.

Transcript

Night MovesSummary: Garrett Morris’ girlfriend disapproves of his absence, in a film by Gary Weis.

Little Old Ladies Of The NightSummary: An elderly woman (Ruth Gordon) gets mixed up in the world of street hustling.

Transcript

Chuck Berry performs “Marie” & “Carol”

Sex QuestionsSummary: Babysitter (Ruth Gordon) answers a little girl’s (Gilda Radner) questions about sex.

Transcript

The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: Mr. Bill gets mangled in Sluggo’s magic act.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Bill.

Transcript

Ricky JaySummary: Ricky Jay performs a card trick with two audience members.

The Last Days of Howard HughesSummary: Howard Hughes’ (Laraine Newman) strange behavior is observed.

Recurring Characters: Howard Hughes.

World of AdventureSummary: An anthropologist’s (Ruth Gordon) breast-filled film excites E. Buzz Miller (Dan Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: E. Buzz Miller.

Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime TalesSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) tells Fifi the maid (Gilda Radner) the story of “Willy The Worm.”

Recurring Characters: Mr. Mike.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

… Jane Curtin
… John Belushi
… Bill Murray
… Laraine Newman
Mr. Rigg … Ralph Nader
Emily Litella … Gilda Radner

[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open onanchorperson Jane Curtin, seated at WU desk.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Weekend Update with JaneCurtin!

Jane Curtin: [before she can begin, the phonebeside her on the desk rings and she picks up]Hello?

John Belushi: [on the phone] Hi, Jane? This is,uh, John. John Belushi!

Jane Curtin: Hi, John! How are you?

[Black and white photo of Belushi fills the screen.SUPER: VOICE OF JOHN BELUSHI]

John Belushi: Well, uh, not too good, actually,uh, ha! You probably noticed I haven’t been in theshow yet. Well, uh, y’see, that’s ’cause I’m in thehospital. I have a hurt leg, you know. Uh…

Jane Curtin: Yeah.

John Belushi: I got a knee injury, you know,kind o’ like, uh, Joe Namath kind of thing, youknow?

Jane Curtin: Oh, yeah, yeah.

John Belushi: And, yeah, I’ve been here, like,a week, Jane, and, uh, see, nobody’s come to visit meor anything. And, uh, nobody’s even called. And therehasn’t been any publicity about me not doing the show.I mean, when Chase was in the hospital, there was, uh,a lot of publicity in the–

[Back to Jane at the desk.]

Jane Curtin: Yeah, John. John, we didn’t – wedidn’t want to depress everyone during the first partof the show so we thought we’d wait until thegoodnights to tell them about it.

[Another black and white photo of Belushi fills thescreen. SUPER: IN HAPPIER TIMES]

John Belushi: Oh. Oh, okay.

Jane Curtin: Yeah.

John Belushi: Well, I just want to telleveryone that I am in the hospital. I hurt my leg.It’s a, uh, torn meniscus in the knee, it’s acartilage. It needs to be …

Jane Curtin: Uh huh.

John Belushi: … uh, operated on. But Iwill be back next week. With or without myleg.

Jane Curtin: Uh huh.

[Back to Jane at the desk.]

John Belushi: They’re thinking about cutting itoff with a chain saw but I’m hoping not to.

Jane Curtin: Okay.

John Belushi: By the way, hey, uh, who’s thatnew kid in the show? The one with the mustache? Er,Murphy? What’s his name?

Jane Curtin: No, no, no. Billy Murray. Isn’t hegreat? He can do anything.

John Belushi: [sarcastic] Heh. Yeah, sure. Uh,I’m sure he can. How ’bout a samurai? Can he do asamurai?

Jane Curtin: Oh, John, Billy does the bestsamurai I have ever seen. It’s like watching ToshiroMifune.

John Belushi: Yeah, well, you know, imitationsare easy. They’re cheap, you know, anybody can doimitations. Can he act, Jane? Can heact?

Jane Curtin: John, I have been doing sceneswith him all week and he is a gem to work with.

John Belushi: [skeptical] Yeah.

Jane Curtin: And, you know, he doesn’tmind being a Bee? [laughs, Belushi joins inironically] Hey, John, I gotta go. Call us when, uh,you get back from the hospital, okay? And come up andvisit us at the office any time.

John Belushi: Hey, listen, do I get paid forthis show this week, you know?

Jane Curtin: [laughs] Bye, John!

John Belushi: I’d like to buy myselfflowers–

[Jane, laughing, hangs up, clears her throat andstarts the news.]

Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight:

[Photo of President Ford putting a medal aroundLadybird Johnson’s neck] In one of his final acts asCommander-in-Chief, President Gerald Ford made a lastditch effort this week to beautify America bystrangling Ladybird Johnson. … [applause]

In Aspen, Colorado, a jury found Claudine Longetguilty of, quote, “criminally negligent homicide,” endquote, and sentencing was set for January 31st. If themaximum sentence is handed down, the former wife ofsinger Andy Williams could be sent up Moon River fortwo years. …

Last month, Jimmy Carter caused an uproar amongtraditionalists when he said he didn’t intend to wearthe customary stovepipe hat to his inauguration.However, this week, he bowed to the traditionalistdemands and here he is shown in his inaugurationattire, including the hat. [Doctored photo of Carterin top hat and a jacket covered with smiley faces]…

Jane Curtin: Well, the inauguration is onlyfive days away and, as a special feature, Bill Murrayhas a look at our future First Lady. Bill, you’ve beenfollowing Rosalyn Carter now for about two years, isthis right?

Bill Murray: [nods] Following indeed, Jane.[Bill and Jane share a laugh] Rosalyn Carter is notonly going to be a dynamic First Lady but also a veryattractive one. Her lush brunette good looks aresultry, Southern, and S-E-X-Y. … Those big browneyes and those full, pouty, pouty lips bring asmoldering sensuality to the White House. There issomething about the back of a woman’s leg. And if Iwere to look in my heart at our new First Lady’s leg,I would see her in the black-seamed stockings of theforties that have never gone out of style in my book.I see the First Lady’s seam going up a nicely-definedcalf, underneath the lace of her slip and riding overthe meaty part of the upper leg … up and over thebuttock to the hip. Truly, a journey of the damned…. And one that this reporter might just book passageon. [chuckles] Next week, Miss Amy Carter. Back toyou, Jane. [Applause.]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Bill.

[Doctored photo of President Ford and his familywearing outfits with an “F” insignia on their chests]Concerned with their futures, President Ford and hisentire family has signed a contract with the WilliamMorris Agency. The talent agency feels that the Fordshave a great future in the entertainment field,claiming that this is the first time to theirknowledge that a president’s family has developed atrapeze act. The Flying Fords plan to entertain atstate fairs and circuses and hope to get it togetherin time to be the opening act for Jerry Vale at theConcord Hotel on Labor Day weekend. …[applause]

[Photo of an elderly nun sitting on a motorizedscooter] Well, a lot older and much wiser since her TVseries was canceled, the Flying Nun now resorts to amore conservative means of transportation. Says thegrounded sister, “The scooter is not quite as excitingas flying but it gets me where I want to go and I’mnot shot at by duck hunters as much as I used to be.”…

Jane Curtin: Solar energy has become acontroversial issue today because the oil industrysees it as a threat to their profits. This week, aSenate Select Committee on solar energy has beenmeeting in secret and, for more on this, here isLaraine Newman in the Capitol.

[Cut to Laraine with microphone in hand, standing infront of a closed door.]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing outside thecommittee room waiting for the session to break up. Ithink it’s about to break up now. [The door opens andthe pompous Mr. Rigg, an oil company executive,emerges to join Laraine] Oh, we’re in luck, Jane. Thechairman of the board of Texxon which dominates mostof the oil industry, as you know, has just come out ofthe room. Mr. Rigg, did you attend the committeesession?

Mr. Rigg: Well, yes, the senators always allowme to sit in with them at their sessions.

Laraine Newman: Well, what happened inthere?

Mr. Rigg: We — that is, the Texxon Corporation– said that we would be glad to go along with thesolar energy program — if the committee would onlymake three minor concessions to protect ourinvestment.

Laraine Newman: I see. And what were thoseconcessions?

Mr. Rigg: Texxon thinks it, first, should ownthe sun.

Laraine Newman: I see.

Mr. Rigg: We also need a Solar Depletion TaxAllowance — since the sun depreciates overtime.

Laraine Newman: Ah, that’s two. And thethird?

Mr. Rigg: And Texxon must have the right toorder its prices raised whenever there is aneclipse.

Laraine Newman: Thank you. Uh, what next, Mr.Riggs?

Mr. Rigg: Texxon is about to consume allAmerican solar, coal, oil, gas, geothermal firms.[standing stiffly at attention] Monopoly ispatriotic!

Laraine Newman: [disenchanted] Ah. Thank you.This is Laraine Newman in the Capitol Building inWashington.

[Back to Jane at the desk. Applause.]

Jane Curtin: President-elect Carter put hisfinancial holdings in a blind trust and outlined acode of ethics for his cabinet members to follow toavoid conflicts of interest. [Doctored photo of BrockAdams with SPACE AVAILABLE / CALL 555-8782 printed onhis forehead] Here, his Secretary ofTransportation-designate Brock Adams tells the SenateCommerce Committee he will stop renting out his hugeforehead as a billboard. …

[Photo of young children in zebra-striped outfits] Inresponse to complaints about the officiating in thisyear’s National Football League season, CommissionerPete Rozelle announced the formation of anNFL-sponsored twenty-year officiating program thatstarts aspiring officials at an early age. …

Doomed slayer Gary Gilmore has taken a cue fromPresident-elect Carter and is inviting all of Americato the Utah State Prison on Monday for what he iscalling “a people’s execution.” There will be apre-execution gala concert and, following Gilmore’sdeath by firing squad, there will be a series ofpost-execution balls and receptions. Gilmore will notattend the latter. …

Jane Curtin: And now a new addition to ourUpdate team is correspondent Emily Litella withtonight’s commentary. [applause] Well, Miss Litella -you’ve badgered us all for a long time and now youhave a job. Welcome.

Emily Litella: [bespectacled little old ladywith squeaky voice] Oh, well, thank you, Jane. It’svery lovely to be part of a news team. Ah, tonight’scommentary is very important because I hearthat President Ford wants to make Puerto Rico asteak! … Now, why does he have to make them asteak? I didn’t think those people even likedmeat. … Now, let me warn all of you. If you makePuerto Rico a steak, the next thing they’ll want is abaked potato! With sour cream and chives andlittle tiny bacon bits and pieces of toast! And thenthey’ll probably want a salad bar! Why, they’ll belined up for miles! If President Ford wants to beremembered as a great president in his final days, heshould do something about the price of coffee! Notsteak! It’s outrageous! I can’t believe what that manis doing–

Jane Curtin: Miss Litella.

Emily Litella: What? What?

Jane Curtin: [speaking slowly and clearly] MissLitella, you’ve done it again. That’s not “steak.”President Ford wants to make Puerto Rico astate. Not a steak — a state.

Emily Litella: Ohhhhh. Well, I’m sorry.[squints and grins, into camera] Never mind. …[applause]

Jane Curtin: Miss – Miss Litella. Let – let’sget something straight. We’ve put up with your slighthearing impairment for a long time now and in thebeginning it was cute. But now you’re part of a newsteam and we like to report the news accurately. Now,if you don’t report the news accurately, we’ll have tolet you go. No job is permanent. Do you understand me?

Emily Litella: Oh, yes, yes, I do. I’ll – Iwill certainly do my best. I’ll try to do better,hm.

Jane Curtin: Please do.

Emily Litella: Bitch! … [applause – after amoment, Miss Litella briefly holds up two fingersbehind Jane’s head to the crowd’s delight]

Jane Curtin: That’s our news for tonight. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Jane turns and glares at Miss Litella as we push inand fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Ralph’s New Image

… Gilda Radner
… Dan Aykroyd
… Ralph Nader
… Jane Curtin
… Garrett Morris
… Laraine Newman

[At the Studio 8H elevator bank, an anxious GildaRadner confers with cool, calm Dan Aykroyd.]

Gilda Radner: Danny! Danny, he’s late!

Dan Aykroyd: Ralph Nader’s never late. He saidhe’d be here at eleven thirty-two, he’ll behere at eleven thirty-two.

Gilda Radner: Well, well, I hope he can do theshow without any rehearsal. I mean, it’s hard enoughfor a professional comedian to come here and do theshow. What about a consumer advocate?

Dan Aykroyd: Look, he’s the busiest man in theworld. It doesn’t matter. He’s Ralph Nader and it’sjust such a coup getting him on the show. It’sgreat.

Gilda Radner: Yeah, but don’t you think he’stoo straight? I mean, he’s kind of serious for ourshow.

Dan Aykroyd: Ah, no, no, no. Lorne was talkin’to him all week and, uh, you know, he said, toldLorne, he said, “Don’t worry. I’m gonna relax and havefun with it.” I wouldn’t worry about iteither.

Gilda Radner: [checks her watch] Okay, well,look, it’s eleven thirty-two now.

[Behind them, an elevator door opens.]

Dan Aykroyd: Well, he’ll be here.

Gilda Radner: [sees Ralph Nader emerge fromelevator] Oh, Danny. Danny.

[A smiling Nader – wearing a flashy, fringed,rhinestone-encrusted cowboy outfit, red kerchiefaround his neck and a white ten gallon hat on his head- joins Danny and Gilda, shaking hands withthem.]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, Mr. Nader. Hi, uh, I’m DanAykroyd. This is, uh, Gilda Radner.

Gilda Radner: Right, yeah. Mr. Nader, I’m GildaRadner.

Ralph Nader: Danny! Gilda! Please! Call me”Ralph” – “Ralphie” – or anything you want!

Dan Aykroyd: Great.

[The three of them start walking away from theelevators, the camera tracking with them as theygo.]

Gilda Radner: Oh. Well, Ralphie, come on, wegotta go to make-up. We gotta hurry a littlebit.

Ralph Nader: Terrific!

Dan Aykroyd: Yeah, you’re really well turnedout.

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Dan Aykroyd: I – I like that suit. That’s veryinteresting.

Ralph Nader: You like it?

Gilda Radner: Really, that’s great, looksgreat.

Ralph Nader: You like it?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Ralph Nader: You know, I just thought tomyself, What the heck? This is my first experience inshow business and I’m just gonna cutloose!

[Danny and Gilda lead Nader down a hall and around acorner.]

Gilda Radner: Oh, great. Well …

Dan Aykroyd: Great!

Gilda Radner: …. make-up’s in here andeveryone’s really excited. It’s our first show aftervacation.

Dan Aykroyd: [calls out to the group in themake-up room] He’s here!

[They enter a mirrored room filled with make-upartists, writers, and actors. Among those present: AlFranken, Garrett Morris and Jane Curtin.]

Gilda Radner: Come on. Here’s Ralph,everybody!

Ralph Nader: Hey! How are ya?! How are ya?!

[Nader and the SNL group greet one anotherwarmly.]

Garrett Morris: Ralph! How ya doin’?

Jane Curtin: [to Nader] Oh, sit, sit. [Nadersits in a make-up chair] You know, Mr. Nader, we alladmire your work so much and it’s an honor to have youon the show. [Garrett – wearing a make-up bib – nodsin agreement, smiles and takes a bite out of a hotdog]

Ralph Nader: Thank you, Jane, but, please,everybody — like I was saying to Danny and Gilda –please call me Ralph or Ralphie!

Jane Curtin: Okay, Ralphie! [the others murmurin agreement]

Ralph Nader: I’m here to have fun tonight!

Jane Curtin: Yeah? Well …

Ralph Nader: Tonight, there’ll be no more ofthis defects and – and abuses that I’ve managed tofind twenty-four hours a day. Tonight, for ninetyminutes, I’m Ralph Nader — Mr. Good Time!

[Everybody laughs, cheers, says, “All right!” ormurmurs in agreement. Gilda takes Nader’s cowboyhat.]

Make-Up Artist: [puts make-up bib in Nader’scollar] There you go, Mr. Good Time. [starts to applyNader’s make-up] Okay …

Jane Curtin: [to Nader] You’re gonna havefun.

Ralph Nader: [suddenly serious, to the make-upartist] Wait a minute! Is that Eye ChiefMake-Up?

Make-Up Artist: Uh, yes, it is.

Ralph Nader: Eye Chief Make-Up contains Red DyeNumber Two.

Make-Up Artist: It does? Well, I didn’tknow.

Ralph Nader: This make-up has a possibility ofcausing skin cancer.

Jane Curtin: Oh, well, we’ll stop using itimmediately.

Make-Up Artist: Absolutely.

Gilda Radner: Skin cancer?

[Everyone is stunned and unnerved. Jane peersapprehensively into the make-up mirror and touches ahand to her face.]

Garrett Morris: [takes Nader’s hand] Ah, well,uh, well, Ralph –

Ralph Nader: That’s the tragedy withcarcinogens.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, well, hey, hey, hey-

Ralph Nader: It may be already toolate.

Garrett Morris: [guides Nader out of chair andleads him out of the room, leaving the stunned groupbehind] Yeah, let me take you to your – your – thewardrobe room so you can, uh, put on your costume,man.

Ralph Nader: [excited again] Costumes?! Youmean I wear costumes?!

Garrett Morris: [laughs]

Ralph Nader: Oh! This is gonna be fun!

Garrett Morris: Yeah, man. Right this way, man.

[Garrett, eating his hot dog, leads Nader around acorner.]

Ralph Nader: [serious again] What’s this, a hotdog you’re eating?

Garrett Morris: Mm hm.

Ralph Nader: A hot dog?

Garrett Morris: Mm hm.

Ralph Nader: Do you enjoy eating rat excrementand rodent hairs?

[The two men stop walking. Garrett stares at hishalf-eaten hot dog.]

Garrett Morris: Uh, this has rat excrement androdent hairs in it, huh?

Ralph Nader: That’s right. [the two mencontinue slowly down the hall] Federal regulationspermit a minimum amount of rat excrement and rodenthairs in hot dogs.

Garrett Morris: Oh, well, I – I – I didn’t knowthat, Ralph. Thank you…

Ralph Nader: No problem.

Garrett Morris: … very much.

Ralph Nader: No problem.

[Garrett leads Nader over to Laraine Newman, thenwalks off down the hall and disappears into a dressingroom.]

Laraine Newman: [thrilled to meet Nader] RalphNader!

Ralph Nader: [smiling, excited again] Hi!Laraine Newman!

Laraine Newman: Hey, you know, I’m a bigadmirer of yours, I really am. I just can’t helpmyself, I’ve gotta hug you.

[Laraine gives Nader a big hug.]

Ralph Nader: Why, thank you. Not too tight now,you’ll activate my air bag!

[Abruptly, we hear but do not see an air bag deploy -Laraine breaks the clinch and steps back.]

Laraine Newman: Oh, my God!

Ralph Nader: [looks down to see that the airbag – hidden somewhere on his person – has notdeployed] Whoops! [grins at Laraine] Well … [intothe camera, smiling] Live, from New York, it’sSaturday night!

[Cheers and applause. Nader smiles sheepishly andmoves off as we dissolve to the openingmontage.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Ralph Nader’s Monologue

… Ralph Nader

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Ralph Nader!

Ralph Nader: [enters from the audience to stand athome base, acknowledges the applause, and puts on hiseyeglasses] I– Thank you very much, of course. I feela slight loss of innocence doing this show tonight.After all, this television studio’s in the RCABuilding in midtown Manhattan, the heart of CorporateAmerica. I had my doubts about working here. But Imust say that everybody here’s been very friendly andhelpful. To be honest, I didn’t really expect thismuch cooperation — especially since my researchgroups have been investigating the RCA corporation,which owns NBC, for a number of corporate abuses.

[Although his voice continues, Nader’s imagedisappears, replaced by a graphic that reads: NETWORKTROUBLE TEMPORARY]

We’re concerned about their hazardous workingconditions, alleged price fixing, bribes to foreignofficials and too much television violence.

[Nader’s image returns.]

I could go on and on but this is a night forentertainment, a night for fun! And I must say againthat the people here at NBC have treated mewonderfully. They’ve really been terrific consideringthe fact that we’ve just sued them for ten milliondollars for deceptive advertising.

[Abruptly, the image goes out of focus and the camerapans off Nader.]

In any case, we have a challenging show tonight andwe’ll be right back after this message.

[Camera pans back to a grinning Nader and returns tofocus as the audience applauds.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Long Distance

Grandfather…..Bill Murray

[ open on Grandfather sitting in armchair in front of chessboard and telephone ]

Grandfather: You know, when my grandson Timmy moved to New York, I was afraid it was going to canncel our Tuesday night game, but I was wrong. The phone company saw to that. By making long distance calls after eleven o’clock, you can speak coast-to-coast for just a few pennies. It’s quite a convenience. The calls are cheap, and we get to play chess..

[ pause, as he checks watch and looks at phone ]

You know kids: he’s probably out playing with his little friends and has lost track of the time. He calls me “Gramps”, and I call him “Sport”. We’re like pals. He says I’m his best friend..

[ long pause, checks watch twice and laughs nervously ]

you know, it’s real nice of the phone company to do this. I only get to see Timmy during the holidays. I bought a watch for him this Christmas. Has all those contraptions in it. He was so excited, he forgot to thank me. It cost $800. But he’s worth it..[ longer pause, he checks watch and looks at phone ]

I have this heart condition. Something to do with fatty tissue building up. I should be getting to bed soon. Doctor’s orders. But not ’til my timmy calls..

[ checks watch and phone ]

Personally, I think he’s an idiot! For a while, we thought there was something wrong with him, but the doctor said he would be okay if left to progress at his own speed..

[ quickly checks watch and phone ]

Ah, what the hell. He’s got no friends, except for me and the kids who hang around him because he’s got a great watch. The watchthat I bought him. for $800..

[ checks phone, watch ]

I hate Timmy! I hope he dies! Wouldn’t that be great? He’d probably go to hell! I’m sure he hocked the watch I gave him. He hocked it. Hocked it, then raped the woman who owns the pawn shop.

[ phone rings, Grandfather answers it ]

Hello?

Boy’s Voice On Phone: KIng’s knight to king’s knight four, Grandpa.

Grandfather: You sure you want to do that? Okay, Sport! I’ll speak to you next Tuesday.

[ Grandfather hangs up, makes the move on the chessboard, then reacts to the move ]

[ SUPER: “The Phone Company” ]

Announcer: Long Distance keeps you in touch with those you love most.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Andy Kaufman

… Ralph Nader
Foreign Man/Elvis… Andy Kaufman

Ralph Nader: Ladies and gentlemen, AndyKaufman.

[Applause and squeals of delight. A spotlight findsKaufman as he enters, in character as Foreign Man,carrying a suitcase and wearing a pale pink jacket,white shirt, necktie, dark pants and shoes. A band ofmusicians stands in the background. A microphone standand a stool await him at home base. He places thesuitcase on the stool and opens it, making sure thatit is centered on the stool properly, then turns andwalks directly to the microphone. He hesitates for amoment, then speaks quietly and awkwardly with an odd,high-pitched accent.]

Foreign Man: There was two penguins on de pieceof ice. And they love each other very much. So, eh,one – one day de ice is broken. [By now, the lightshave gone down – Foreign Man is now spotlit on adarkened stage] And so the two penguins cry — theyare crying — because they never to see each otheragain. So they go away, you know, away from eachother. And one day, they– to see each other. So theyget closer and closer. And one of them say: [holds hisnose, imitates a penguin incomprehensibly — but itsounds like he’s saying something like:] “Big Boy fordinner.” [returns to his “Foreign Man” voice] Youknow? Because they never see each other again! [looksat audience happily as if expecting them to laugh]Thenk you veddy much. [Applause. Foreign Man bows tothe audience.]

Right now, I would like to do some eemitations foryou. So, first, I would like to imitate MeesterCarter, de President of de United States. [in the samevoice] “Hello, I am Meester Carter, de President of deUnited States.” Thenk you veddy much. [Applause.Foreign Man bows to the audience.] Thenk you veddymuch.

Now, I would like to imitate, eh, my, eh, Aunt Esther.[in the same voice] “You come into the house rightnow! Put – put on your coat and – and eat everythingis on your plate!” Thenk you veddy much. [Applause.Foreign Man bows to the audience.]

And now, last — but not to be the least — I will -would like to imitate the Elvis Presley.

[Scattered applause and cheers as Kaufman steps awayfrom the microphone and turns his back to theaudience. We hear the music of “Also SprachZarathustra” — also known as the Theme from “2001: ASpace Odyssey” — which opened most Elvis concerts ofthe 1970s. Kaufman removes two dark strips from hispants to reveal studded rhinestones running up anddown the outer legs. He puts the strips in the opensuitcase beside him. He removes his necktie and falseshirt front and dumps them in the suitcase. He takesoff his pink jacket to reveal that he is wearing ablack Elvis-style jumpsuit with a bejeweled vest. Heplaces the jacket in the suitcase and takes out a combwith which he styles his hair. He returns the comb andtakes out a hair brush. More grooming. He returns thebrush and uses the comb again. Another spotlight hascome up and we catch a glimpse of an acoustic guitarstanding ready at one side (opposite the suitcase).Kaufman returns the comb to the suitcase, grabs theguitar and straps it on as a heavenly light shinesdown from above and the 2001 Theme reaches its climax.Kaufman adjusts his wide white collar.

The theme ends and the thundering drumbeat thatusually heralded Presley’s entrance at 1970s concertscomes crashing in. We see a close-up of the back ofKaufman’s head. He starts shaking to the rhythm. Heturns his face to the camera — a classic Elvis sneeron his lips. Applause and laughter. Kaufman is in fullElvis mode as he turns around completely, shaking hislegs, waving to the audience (some of whom areshrieking), prowling the stage lasciviously. All traceof Foreign Man has vanished. Elvis bows, posesprovocatively with the guitar, approaches themicrophone and starts pumping it in time with themusic, sneering and making other “Elvis faces” untilthe music ends. Elvis bows to much applause. When theapplause dies down, Elvis pauses and then leans intothe microphone.]

Elvis: [imitation of Presley’s deep-throateddrawl] Thank you very much.

[With a nod of his head, Elvis signals to the bandbehind him. The pianist plays and Elvis sings his 1956hit ballad “Love Me” — words and music by JerryLeiber and Mike Stoller — and the rest of the bandjoins in.]

Treat me like a fool
Treat me mean and cruel
But love me
Wring my faithful heart
Tear it all apart
But love me

[Hiccups, Elvis-style. The crowd laughs.]

If you ever go
Darling, I’ll be, oh, so lonely
I’ll be sad and blue
Crying over you, dear only.

[Stutters, Elvis-style. The crowd laughs.]

I would beg and steal
Just to feel your heart
Beating close to mine

[Makes a funky Elvis move. The crowd laughs.]

If you ever go
Darling, I’ll be, oh, so lonely
Beggin’ on knees
All I ask is please, please love me
Oh yeah

[Cheers and applause. Band finishes song on Elvis’signal. Elvis removes guitar and poses with it, armsoutstretched, then places guitar back on its stand,lifts arms and wiggles his hips, and does a few moregoofy Elvis poses before speaking into themicrophone.]

Elvis: All right, thank you very much. You canall just stare at me while I catch my breath. I’d liketo do one of my biggest records for you. Course, allof them are the same size. One of the first songs Iever recorded, back in nineteen … twenty-seven, Ithink it was. Went somethin’ like this. [leg startsshaking, looks down at leg] Wait a minute, wait aminute. [lip starts twitching] Somethin’ wrong with mylip. [lip twitches into a sneer, Elvis suddenlylaunches into his 1956 hit rocker “Blue Suede Shoes”– words and music by Carl Perkins.]

Well, it’s one for the money
Two for the show

[Elvis takes his microphone off the stand, sets thestand to one side of stage – the crowd claps along tothe beat.]

Three to get ready
Now go, cat, go
But don’t you
Step on my blue suede shoes
Well, you can do anything
But lay off of my blue suede shoes

Let’s go, cats!

[Band plays instrumental break, Elvis dances aroundthe stage, women in crowd shriek]

It’s one for the money
Two for the show
Three to get ready
Now go, go, go
But don’t you step on my blue suede shoes
Well, you can do anything But lay off of my blue suede shoes

Well, it’s a blue blue blue suede shoes
Blue blue blue suede shoes
Yeah!
Blue blue blue suede shoes
Baby!
Blue blue blue suede shoes
You can do anything
But lay off of my blue suede shoes.

All right!

[Applause. Elvis jumps up and down, windmilling hisarm. The band crashes to a halt as he goes down on oneknee. Elvis rises, acknowledges the applause, cheers,whistles, returns the microphone to its stand, raisesboth arms and makes the “I Love You” sign with hishands, then whips off his bejeweled vest, whirls itaround his head and tosses it to the crowd. Then hereturns the mike stand to center stage, adjusts themike, licks his lips, slightly out of breath. And,astonishingly, reverts completely to ForeignMan:]

Foreign Man: [hesitantly] Thenk you veddy much.[huge gust of laughter and applause from the startledaudience – after a pause, very politely] Could Iplease have my – my thing back?

[Foreign Man walks to edge of stage and awkwardlytries to retrieve his vest. Someone hands it to himand he backs away nervously, acknowledging theapplause as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Goodnights

… Ralph Nader and cast

[Ralph Nader stands at home base, flanked by LaraineNewman and Gilda Radner. Jane Curtin and Bill Murrayare visible in the background.]

Ralph Nader: Well, it’s been a fun evening. Notan easy evening. Uh, biting humor. [suddenly laughsmaniacally, to the amusement of the cast] Take that,Tom Snyder! And thank you all very much! Good sport!Thank you for the cast.

Laraine Newman: [waves into camera] Good night,John!

Gilda Radner: Good night, John!

Ralph Nader: [waves into camera] John Belushi,get well!

Gilda Radner: Yeah!

Ralph Nader: Don’t defy the laws ofgravity!

[We pull back some more to reveal that the five areflanked by Garrett Morris who is eating peanuts andmusical guest George Benson.]

Garrett Morris: Break a leg, John!

Ralph Nader: [picks up cardboard box of peanutsand starts tossing them in the air] Have somepeanuts!

Gilda Radner: Good night, everybody!

Ralph Nader: Peanuts! Peanuts!

[The closing theme kicks in. The cast throws peanutsinto the crowd. George Benson, all but ignored, waves.The camera pulls back and away to reveal theapplauding audience.]

Don Pardo V/O: Joining tonight’s cast was BillMurray. Next Saturday Night, our host will be RuthGordon with musical guest Chuck Berry. This is yourold consumer, Don Pardo — I don’t care what RalphNader says — on the way home, I’m gonna consume a hotdog! I love rodent hairs! Goodnight.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Televised Execution Rehearsal

Warden…..Dan Aykroyd
Murderer……Tom Schiller
Director……Bill Murray
Assistant……Laraine Newman
Priest……George Benson

[ open on rehearsal for televised execution ]

Warden: Hi. Welcome to Lubbock State Penitentiary. I’m Warden Roy Groomis.. and welcome to the first local televised execution of convicted mass murderer Dean Slydell. Hi, Dean. How are you doing tonight?

Murderer: Well.. I guess I am a little nervous, Warden. It’s my first time.

Warden: Dean.. tell us why you are in the chair tonight.

Murderer: Okay, Warden. Well, I guess it all started when I was a kid..

Warden: Don’t take too long, Dean.. we don’t have too much air time.

Murderer: Okay. I stabbed – or took part in the stabbing of – 29 bank employees.

Warden: Fine. Thank you. Now, a little bit about the chair itself. It’s a beauty, folks. The chair is a custom-built Mainway Fry King, delivering 25,000 volts AC output at 2 amps boosted to 10 amps at point of execution.

Murderer: Say.. that’s a lot.. of juice, Warden!

Warden: Well, it’s not that we’ll ever need that much.. but it’s there if we need it.

Director: [ off-screen ] Cut!! Cut!! [ runs into scene ] Make-up, can you get in here, please! Sorry, fellas. Dean! Honey, having a little bit of trouble with your face, you’ve got an angry nose shadow. Can you get that, Francis? You’re perfect, you’re perfect! Okay, you got a good face, Phil, I want to see your face. Okay, lights! Phil! Please, baby! Throw a K-84 in this scrim on Deano’s face here, please – he’s looking like a hubcap on a ’56 Chevy, huh? You’re striving, baby, come on! [ beats on electro-headcover like a set of drums ] Okay! What’s going on here? You know, we gotta get a mood here, you know? I’m sorry, baby. Uh.. Dean! you’re going to fry, okay? You’re going to die, alright? Will you let us see what that feels like? What happens when you think about that, okay? Just show the people, okay? Beautiful! Alright, Props! Willie! [ Prop Man enters ] Hey, Animal.. come here, baby! Alright! Alright! I want to see the Governor’s phone in this shot, okay? Will you get it in here? Even if you have to cheat it, use a still, will you, Animal? Okay, where is my priest! Where in the hell is the guy?

Assistant: Right here, Jim! [ pushes Priest into the shot ]

Director: Okay. Hello, Reverend. Hello. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!

Assistant: You asked for a Baptist priest!

Director: A black priest in Texas – terrific. It will not work! Take him, take him, take him, get away from me, get away from me, get away from me! Go talk to Ferguson, I’m sorry! Okay. Alright, Warden, excuse me. You know what we need here? We need a little bit of warmth. Now, you know the guy, okay? Now, how long you been on Death Row now, maybe seven, eight years..

Warden: Seven years, two months.

Director: Seven years, two months. Okay. Now, I want you to put your arm around him, okay? Can we get this? [ Warden and Murderer wrap arms around one another ] Oh, that is perfecto! Perfecto! Isn’t it a little more warm? Everybody! Order! Okay, good, good, good! Okay, alright, let’s pick it up from the last part – your speech about the chair, Warden! Okay? Ready? Quiet, please! and.. action! [ exits scene ]

Warden: ..25,000 volts AC output at 2 amps boosted to 10 amps at point of execution.

Murderer: Say.. that’s a lot of.. [ screams ]

Director: [ off-screen ] Cut! Cut! Cards! [ enters scene ] Al! Will you look at this now, he’s showing the last card. Great! That’s for tomorrow, you banana-brain – get outta here! Oh.. Okay, I’m sorry.. talk about bringing you down prematurely. Okay, everybody, that is a wrap, okay, people? Thank you! Deano, get some sleep, huh? You’ve got some circles here under the eyes, we want you to look terrific on Wednesday, okay? Madeline, will you give them their calls? Tomorrow, everybody! Peace!

Assistant: Okay, Dean, we’ll pick you up tomorrow morning on Death Row at 7:30.. and, Warden-

Warden: I can get here myself, I’ve got my own car.

Assistant: Okay.

Director: Wardem, Warden, may I say that it’s getting a terrific reaction on the set, and they are the toughest audience. I can say that. Let’s get some coffee or something – come on!

[ they exit set, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts