Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Inflatable Doll Testing

Burt Ingersoll … Garrett Morris
… Ralph Nader

[Consumer advocate Ralph Nader sits in his apartmentreading a magazine. On the sofa beside him is a blondeinflatable party doll. In a nearby chair, facing awayfrom him is a brunette party doll. The doorbell rings.Nader rises and answers the door to reveal Burt, ajournalist.]

Burt Ingersoll: Mr. Nader?

Ralph Nader: Call me “Ralph.”

Burt Ingersoll: [shakes hands] Hi! I’m BurtIngersoll of Changing Times magazine and it’s so goodof you to give us this interview, man.

Ralph Nader: Come on in, Burt! Let me take yourcoat. [takes coat]

Burt Ingersoll: Yeah, better close your doorthere. You better close your door there.

Ralph Nader: Oh, yeah. [shuts the door] Draft!Energy waste! … [Burt stares at party doll, thensits next to it on sofa as Nader hangs up coat, thenintroduces the blonde doll to Burt] Burt, I’d like tointroduce you to, uh, to Pam. [gestures to thebrunette doll which sits backward in the nearby chair]And I’d like to introduce you to Rita. Rita’s beennaughty this afternoon so she has to sit backwards…. Would you, uh, would you like a drink?

Burt Ingersoll: [playing it cool] Whatever yougot. And straight up.

Ralph Nader: You understand, uh, these dollsare all part of some experiments I’m running. [to theblonde doll] Uh, how ’bout a drink for you, Pam?[nods] Mm hm. [walks off to fix the drinks]

Burt Ingersoll: [glancing at the dollsuncertainly] Uh … Are you, uh, testing these dolls,uh, Mr. Nader?

Ralph Nader: Of course I’m testing these dolls![returns with drinks and sits on sofa as Burt takesnotes] I’m testing them for flame retardance. I’mtesting them for defective seams. Uh, testing them foruniform air pressure. Surface irregularities, qualitycontrol, color retention, pigment toxicity, uh,effusion rates, convection rates, uh– Here’s yourglass of wine. [hands Burt a glass] I get so excited.And here’s your sweet vermouth, Pam. [throws the drinkin her face – close view of Pam’s wet face] … [Burtstares, Nader explains] That, for instance, was atest. For high impact moisture resistance. … Yousee, I hope to explore areas of consumer protectionwhich have hitherto been ignored for reasons of tasteor public indifference.

Burt Ingersoll: Ah! And you chose inflatableparty dolls.

Ralph Nader: Exactly. What could be morenatural than to extend my investigation of air bags toinflatable party dolls?

Burt Ingersoll: [swallows drink, sets downempty glass] Uh huh. Yeah, yeah.

Ralph Nader: [to Burt] Excuse me. [to thebrunette doll, as if talking to a wayward child] Ritahad better sit up straighter. [rises and puts athreatening hand on the brunette doll as he speaks toit] Do you know what happened to Yvonne? Yvonne gotnailed to the door. Yvonne failed the nail test,didn’t she?

Burt Ingersoll: Uh uh, uh – you – you – you say- you say – failed the nail test?

Ralph Nader: [returns to sofa] I’m sure yourealize “the nail test” is a code name for certainanalytic procedures, uh, to examine possibilities ofrupture in vinyl-related substances.

Burt Ingersoll: Uh huh.

Ralph Nader: I plan to publish the results ofthese tests next year in a book called “Party Dolls:Turn-On or Rip-Off?” … Can I get you anotherdrink?

Burt Ingersoll: No, thank you.

Ralph Nader: [holds up empty glass to theblonde doll] Pam? A refill? Say, why don’t you showBurt your music box, Pam? [to Burt] I bought Pam amusic box for her birthday.

Burt Ingersoll: You don’t say? …

Ralph Nader: Burt, you have no idea howexhausting these tests are. I have to dress andundress them every day, brush their little teeth,paint their little nails. Of course, it used to beworse — [pointedly, to the brunette] — before Vickifailed the lawn mower test.

Burt Ingersoll: Wa – wa – wa – wa- wait.[rises, in disbelief] Uh, she failed the – the lawnmower test? That’s what she–?

Ralph Nader: [pointedly, to the brunette] Maybenow Miss Balloon Head will be ready to eat herspaghetti!

Burt Ingersoll: [shaken] Ah, hey, on secondthought, man, I’ll have that drink and I’ll go get itmyself. [fetches himself a much needed drink, thenreturns to stand near the sofa as Nader rises andinspects the brunette] Yes. Ha!

Ralph Nader: Listen, I’m sorry to cut thisinterview short, Burt. I think Rita is beginning toleak.

Burt Ingersoll: Hey, uh, you mean you pump herup, huh?

Ralph Nader: Not today. I have a yeastinfection.

Burt Ingersoll: Mm hm.

[Applause. Burt downs his drink. We cut to a widerview of the set, the cameras, the mikes, the crowd,etc., as Burt grabs his coat and hurriedly exits. Aswe pull back, we hear the 1957 pop hit “Party Doll”and see Gilda Radner ready herself on a nearby stageto introduce tonight’s film. After a brief glimpse ofthe balcony crowd, we dissolve to a close shot ofGilda.]

Gilda Radner: [glancing over her shoulder, thensmiling into the camera] Oh, ah, and now, here’s thisweek’s film by Gary Weis!

[More applause as we fade out. The film is “Garbage”which first appeared on SNL the previous season. Afterthe film, we zoom in on a guy in the applaudingaudience. SUPER: USED HIROHITO’S TOOTHBRUSH]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

The Coneheads At Home

Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Ronnie…..Bill Murray

[ open on middle class suburban living room ]

[ Beldar Conehead enters, dressed in a winter coat over a three-piece suit with a small silver cape over the jacket, and a loose-fitting stocking cap over his head. ]

Beldar Conehead: Honey, I’m home. [ removes stocking cap to reveal a cone-shaped head ]

[ SUPER: “The Coneheads At Home” ]

Prymaat Conehead: [ enters living room ] Oh, hello, dear, you’re late. I’ll put the food into the heat.

Beldar Conehead: Yes, I’m sorry I’m late. The commuter trains were severely affected by the snow.

Prymaat Conehead: Oh well, I’m happy that you were able to arrive safely. I am engaged in preparing your favorite meal, small starch tubes combined with lactate extract of hooved mammals.

Beldar Conehead: Ah. You mean macaroni and cheese. I’m sure we will enjoy it. [ sits on couch to read paper, as Connie enters house wearing a blonde wig ]

Connie Conehead: Hi Mom, hi Dad.

Prymaat Conehead: Hello, my young one. how was school today?

Connie Conehead: [ tears off the wig, unzips snowsuit ] This wig was ineffective. The kids at school know that I am different from them.. it’s really bugging me. They want to know where I come from. Daddy, where do we come from?

Beldar Conehead: France! Just keep telling them you come from France!

Connie Conehead: No way, Dad! I’e found that to be an inadequate response!

Beldar Conehead: Maintain low tones! Maintain low tones!

Prymaat Conehead: Dear, I think the time has come to tell the young one the story of our family.

Beldar Conehead: No,I do not agree.

Prymaat Conehead: You must tell her now.. she must know.

Connie Conehead: Please inform me. A guy asked me out for a date in gym class this afternoon. I must prepare.

Beldar Conehead: Very well, the time has come for you to know. I am Beldar, this is Prymaat. We are emissaries from the planet Remulak, which is located many light years outside of this solar system. Twenty Earth years ago, the five high Masters of Remulak dispatched a fleet of Starcruisers to this solar system.

Connie Conehead: Starcruisers?

Beldar Conehead: Metallic discs powered by an anti-gravity field reactor.

Prymaat Conehead: A flying saucer, dear.

Connie Conehead: Aw, c’mon, you guys! There’s no such thing as flying saucers.

Beldar Conehead: Your mother and I were instructed to pilot our machine to Earth, seize all major centers of radio and television communication, and inform the people of the Earth that we of the planet Remulak were taking over their world.

Prymaat Conehead: Your father was to make it clear to the Earth people that the two of us were to be called the Timekeepers, that we would remain here for seven centuries, that we were to end all wars, that Earth weapons were useless against us, and that we would destroy them if they did not follow our instructions.

Connie Conehead: I ask you: what happened?

Beldar Conehead: I lost the speech I was to make. I had a speech: “People of Earth, I am the Timekeeper from the planet Remulak, your weapons are useless against us..” I lost the rest of it, the instructions, times, dates, places, the orders for the U.N..

Connie Conehead: But what became of your flying saucer?

Prymaat Conehead: It’s at the bottom of Lake Michigan.

Beldar Conehead: Your mother was at the control panel.

Prymaat Conehead: No, it was you who was guiding us.

Beldar Conehead: No, my dear, you were responsible for the control indices.

Connie Conehead: But did your planet not send a rescue ship for you?

Prymaat Conehead: No. Our planet cut back on their space program. So I got a job here as a driving instructor.

Prymaat Conehead: In order to seem less obvious on Earth, we took the names Fred and Joyce Conehead.

Beldar Conehead: Then you were born, and when your little cone was shown to us, we knew that we had no choice but to stay. We named you Connie.

Prymaat Conehead: And, besides, the schools are better here.

Beldar Conehead: I took out a mortgage on the house. Your mother joined a few clubs. Perhaps one day the High Masters of our planet will dispatch a fleet of rescue ships.

Prymaat Conehead: But until then, just do all your homework and tell everyone we come from France.

[ the doorbell rings ]

Connie Conehead: My date is here. I must prepare my cone.

[ Connie exits upstairs, as Beldar and Prymaat answer the door to ski bum Ronnie ]

Ronnie: Mr. and Mrs. Conehead?

Beldar Conehead: Yes.

Ronnie: Hi. I’m Ronnie Guestsetter. Is Connie here?

Beldar Conehead: Enter. We were expecting you.

Ronnie: Hey, great.. I think I might be here a little early.

Prymaat Conehead: Please enter and sit down. Would you like some beer and potato chips?

Ronnie: [ sits down at couch ] Hey, that’d be great, terrfic!

Beldar Conehead: So, what mode of vehicle brought you here tonight?

Ronnie: Huh? Uh.. my father lent me one of his tow trucks.

[ Prymaat brings in the refreshments on a stainless steel surgical assist cart, loaded with six-packs of beer and large bags of potato chips ]

Beldar Conehead: Ah. Potato chips and beer. We invite you to consume freely.

[ Ronnie pops open a beer, as Belda and Prymaat consume potato chips and beer at a faster rate than any human could; Connie re-enters, with earmuffs over her cone ]

Connie Conehead: Hi, Ronnie.

Ronnie: Hi, Connie. You look great. I heard you made captain of the high-diving team.

Connie Conehead: Yes. I see you have met my parental units.

Ronnie: Yeah.. Hey, your folks really know how to put away the brew! Are you ready to go?

Connie Conehead: Yes. Good night, parents. [ buzz sound effect as she touches fingers with Beldar ] I will remember all you have told me.

Beldar Conehead: Have a good time.. guide your vehicle carefully. The snow has negatively affected road factors.

Prymaat Conehead: Return at the time coordinates we have previously agreed upon; do not be late.

Ronnie: Okay. Hey, thanks for the brew, Mr. and Mrs. Conehead. I’ll take good care of Connie.

[ the teens exit ]

Beldar Conehead: Well. Shall we play some Ring Toss before dinner?

Prymaat Conehead: Yes. That would be pleasurable.

[ they each pick up a furry Sensor Ring, and toss them onto each other’s coneheads, sighing with pleasure as they make direct contact ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Carter’s Confederate Takeover

… Ralph Nader
Miss Green … Gilda Radner
Jimmy Carter …. Dan Aykroyd

[Seated at the desk in his office, consumer advocateRalph Nader confers with his secretary.]

Ralph Nader: All right, Miss Green, what timeis my flight to Plains?

Miss Green: Ah, five o’clock. Now, that’s intwo hours. Now, Mr. Nader, how long are you going tobe there?

Ralph Nader: That depends on whether he’sinterested in what I have to say.

Miss Green: Mm hm.

Ralph Nader: Did you have my other dark suitcleaned?

Miss Green: Oh, yes, sir. I cleaned your othersuit and your tie.

Ralph Nader: Okay, I’m going to sleep for acouple of hours. Wake me up when it’s time togo.

Miss Green: All right, yes, Mr. Nader.

[Miss Green exits as Nader leans back in his chair andbuckles himself into it with an over-the-shouldersafety belt. Eyes closed, he shakes his head sadly andtalks to himself:]

Ralph Nader: Ah, Carter. What a cabinet. Iwonder if he really cares what I think – now that theelection is over.

[Nader drifts off to sleep. Ethereal harp music andout-of-focus camera indicate that Nader is dreaming.Dissolve to Nader’s dream: a pair of hands peels andapplies a decal of the Seal of the the President ofthe United States to a briefcase. We pull back toreveal that the hands are those of President-electJimmy Carter. Carter sets the briefcase out of view.In the background, a sign reads: PEANUT WAREHOUSE /NO. 1 / PLAINS, GA. There is a knock at the door.Carter tosses away the decal peelings and sits at adesk.]

Jimmy Carter: [calls out] Come in!

[We hear a door open and close. Carter smiles andrises as Nader enters.]

Jimmy Carter: Oh, Ralph! It’s very nice to seeya.

Ralph Nader: [shaking hands] How areya?

Jimmy Carter: Just fine. Whyn’t you sit down?Want some, uh, peanuts?

[The men sit at Carter’s desk upon which is a pile ofunshelled peanuts. Nader takes a handful.]

Ralph Nader: I hope you’re sincere, Jimmy. I’vebeen quite critical of you lately.

Jimmy Carter: Well, I – I wanna explain to ya,Ralph that I chose my cabinet to placate theconservatives. Once I assume the role of president,I’ll be ready to implement my idealistic changes andI’ll – well, I’m glad you’re here because I want youto tell me exactly what you want me to do when Ibecome president. Go ahead, I’m all ears. [grinsbroadly]

Ralph Nader: Okay, okay, I’m delighted. Firstof all, you should call a moratorium on nuclearenergy.

Jimmy Carter: [nods] Okay. I guess you’reright. Now that you mention it, nuclear energy reallyis a – a doomsday technology. You got it. No problem.[starts making notes with a pencil]

Ralph Nader: Can you introduce a CorporateAccountability Act? Tougher anti-pollution laws?

Jimmy Carter: Brilliant. Wonderful. I’ll do it.Definitely. [makes more notes]

Ralph Nader: And if you could promote and signour bill, S-1234 to form a national consumers’cooperative bank to help finance small business andhelp give consumers sovereignty in themarketplace–

Jimmy Carter: Some of our cabinet members arereally gonna flip.

Ralph Nader: And how ’bout a Whistleblowers Actto protect people like Ernie Fitzgerald who blew thewhistle on Pentagon waste?

Jimmy Carter: Okay. You got it. Definitely.[more notes] You’ve been doin’ some good talkin’.Everything you mention is positive, dynamiclegislation. I’ll give you my word I’ll do everythingin my scope of influence to make sure that it’senacted. [shakes Nader’s hand]

Ralph Nader: That’s wonderful, Jimmy. It’sabout time this country had somebody with your couragein the Oval Office.

Jimmy Carter: You can count on it, Ralph. Say,uh, just so long as you’re here, um, uh, why don’tyou, uh, take a look at some of my plans for myinauguration? [rises, walks out of view]

Ralph Nader: Terrific. Since I’m not invited,I’d love to see what kind of inauguration you’re gonnahave.

Jimmy Carter: [from off screen] I’m gonna tellya, Ralph, this is gonna be the greatest party thisunion has ever seen. [clears throat, returns in grayConfederate army uniform, whips out sword, “Dixie”plays in background] My people have been waiting ahundred and ten years … [Nader is stunned] … forthis triumphal march of the Confederacy to Washington.Finally, the flagrant rape of the Confederacy by theYankee war dogs is gonna be avenged. …

[moves aside a red drape on the wall behind him toreveal a map of the U.S. dotted with symbols ofplanes, tanks, etc.] On Wednesday night, the FifthDivision of the Georgia National Guard … – that is,the Lillian Carter wing – in tanks and armoredpersonnel carriers, rolls north through the Carolinas.It splits here at Raleigh into a pincer-claw, to becomplemented by the George Wallace Tactical Air Wingof the Confederate Air Force. … The 20th ArmoredGroup, led by five-time NASCAR winner Cale Yarborough… will roll through Kentucky and West Virginia on tobattle emplacements here on the Shenandoah River.

Ralph, they whipped us bad at Raleigh — and atVicksburg and Memphis and Shiloh and Appomattox. Doyou know that Sherman ran a swath through Georgiafifty miles wide? Fifty miles of the choicest, mostbeautiful peanut country in the Confederacy. … Onthe night of the 20th, the Tactical Assault Brigade ofthe Greg Allman Land-Sea Brigade will seize and burnWashington. The zero-based budgeting I have proposedwill help me revalidate Confederate currency. [letsout with a rebel yell] YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

And you, Ralph Nader, the best consumer advocate inthe world — I want you workin’ with me. I have anoffice set up in Plains for ya. My men’ll take youover there now. It’s time for you to go, Ralph. Timefor you to go. Time for you to go. Time–

[Harp music as the dream ends and we dissolve back toNader’s office. His secretary wakes him.]

Miss Green: Mr. Nader, Mr. Nader, it’s time foryou to go. Oh, Mr. Nader, were you having adream?

Ralph Nader: Yeah. I guess so. I was dreamin’.[looks at his desk] But – where did all these peanutscome from?

[Nader’s desk is covered by unshelled peanuts. Hepicks some up and lets them spill from his hands asthe secretary looks on in surprise. Dramatic music andapplause as we pan up from the office set to theaudience and zoom in for a close view of a young man.SUPER: TENNIS COURT JESTER — He grins, flashes apeace sign and gets a supportive pat on the shoulderfrom a fellow audience member.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Baba Wawa Talks to Herself

Baba Wawa … Gilda Radner

[Despite her pronounced speech impediment, broadcastjournalist Baba Wawa sits in an easy chair andaddresses the camera.]

Baba Wawa: Hewwo! This is Baba Wawa! … I’mspeaking to you tonight from my home which you all sawon my wast special and weawwy wiked awot — wemember?… We took a wittle tour of my pwace and you got tosee some of my weawwy intewesting personal bewongings– wike a miwwow, a cwock, and a wittle wump of coal…. Pwetty engwossing. I thought so, too. That’s why,for my next special, instead of wasting time withextwaneous pewsonalities wike the Pwesident of theUnited States, the whole show’s going to be about onetewwific pewson who I weawwy wespect — me!…

Instead of talking to cewebwities, I’ll be talking tomyself. It’ll be fwee, fwank, weal and weveawing. …I’ll be taking you back to my apartment and you’llhave a ware opportunity to see some of my favowitetwinkets, incwuding my wings, my wugs, my dwapes, mypwants, my wecords, my wipsticks and my twue waisond’etwa. … Also – also, my wange, my wadiator, mywadio, my wecord pwayer, my waincoat, my nasalaspiwator, and my best fwiend, Wita Taywor….

Now, a wot of people thought my wast pwogwam waspwetty cwummy. Well, this one’s twuwy cwammed withcwever wevewations, wapport and wepartee. … So tunein to “Baba Wawa Talks to Herself.” It should bepwetty tewwific. …

[Applause and a SUPER that reads BABA WAWA TALKS TOHERSELF as we pull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 15th, 1977

Ralph Nader

George Benson

Andy Kaufman

None

Al Franken

Tom Schiller

Mitchell Laurance

Neil Levy

Ralph’s New ImageSummary: Ralph Nader shows up at Studio 8H ready to cut loose and have a good time, even in spite of various safety harzards he encounters while having his make-up applied.

Transcript

MontageNote: Bill Murray’s first episode.

Ralph Nader’s MonologueSummary: Ralph Nader experiences technical difficulties after he discusses some of RCA’s wrongdoings.

Transcript

Long DistanceSummary: Chess-loving grandfather (Bill Murray) badmouthes his ingrate grandson while waiting for his call.

Transcript

Televised Execution RehearsalSummary: A manic director (Bill Murray) runs through the dress rehearsal for the televised execution of convincted murderer, Dean Slydell (Tom Schiller).

Transcript

Baba Wawa Talks to HerselfSummary: Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) promotes her upcoming special, in which she only talks to herself.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Transcript

George Benson performs “Masquerade”

Carter’s Confederate TakeoverSummary: Ralph Nader imagines that Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) has taken over the country.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: A hospitalized John Belushi phones in to complain that no one has mentioned his injury. Bill Murray reports on Rosalyn Carter’s looks. Texxon representative, Mr. Rigg (Nader), explains the conditions of their solar energy deal. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) comments that she’s against making Puerto Rico a “steak”.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Andy KaufmanSummary: The less-than-stellar impressions of Foreign Man (Andy Kaufman) lead up to the ultimate Elvis impersonation.

Transcript

The Coneheads At HomeSummary: Beldar (Dan Aykroyd), Prymaat (Jane Curtin), and Connie Conehead (Laraine Newman) are alien beings who claim to come from France, and spend their days adjusting to their new life on Earth. Tonight, Beldar and Prymaat meet Connie’s new boyfriend, Ronnie (Bill Murray).

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymmat Conehead, Connie Conehead, Ronnie.

Transcript

Inflatable Doll TestingSummary: Ralph Nader conducts safety “tests” on a pair of blow-up dolls.

Transcript

GarbageSummary: Gary Weis explores the world of waste management in New York.

Note: Repeat from 04/17/76.

George Benson performs “Gonna Love You More”

Youth Asks The QuestionsSummary: Students ask Ralph Nader less-than-intelligent questions.

Recurring Characters: Rhonda Weiss, Sherry.

Ambassador Training InstituteSummary: A commercial spokesman (Andrew Duncan) explains how you can apply to become a U.S. ambassador for a foreign country, aptly mixing work with play.

Note: Repeat from 11/08/75.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

… Jane Curtin
Patrick … Tom Schiller
Ray Basalt … Dan Aykroyd
Emily Litella … Gilda Radner

[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open onanchorperson Jane Curtin, seated at WU desk. Sheargues with her husband Patrick, who sits on the deskbeside her — both oblivious to the camera.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Weekend Update with JaneCurtin!

Patrick: … lonely, lonely thing!

Jane Curtin: Do you think I like beinghere?

Patrick: I–

Jane Curtin: Do you think I enjoy this? You’recrazy!

Patrick: Oh, come on! You’ve got to come homesometime!

Jane Curtin: Somebody has got to make the moneyotherwise we can’t eat.

Patrick: I’m writin’ a book! It’s gonna make afortune!

Jane Curtin: [dismissive] Oh, the book, thebook, the book. Big deal!

[Jane and Patrick suddenly notice the camera is on andstare into it, horrified. Patrick instantly drops downbehind the desk and out of view as Jane tales a momentto recover. She smiles and begins the news as ifnothing had happened.]

Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight:

[Photo of a smiling Jimmy Carter carrying dry cleaningbag over his shoulder] Still trying to make up hiscampaign deficit, President-elect Carter has taken apart-time job delivering dry cleaning in theWashington area. …

[Photo of the Carter family: Jimmy, Rosalyn anddaughter Amy — Amy’s eyes are closed and she coversher mouth with her hand] As a security measure toavoid any leaking of White House information, theSecret Service has stapled Amy Carter’s eyes shut andepoxied her hand to her mouth for the duration ofJimmy Carter’s term. … A decision on what to do withAmy’s ears will be made shortly.

President Ford finally revealed the substance of hispost-election telephone call to Richard Nixon. Fordasked Nixon if he thought Jimmy Carter would abuse thepresidency. Nixon said, “Nah, he doesn’t have theexperience.” … [The joke dies – in response, Janefrowns and crumples the sheet of paper it was writtenon – Patrick’s hand emerges from beneath the desk -Jane puts the crumpled ball of paper in Patrick’s handwhich disappears from view – Jane swivels, grins, andcontinues without missing a beat]

[Photo of Henry Kissinger with eyes shut tight andsmiling a toothy grin] Despite the fact that his daysas Secretary of State are numbered, Henry Kissingershowed he still has a sense of humor. The eternaldiplomat is shown here at a Washington party doing hisimpression of Chinese leader Hua Guofeng. …

[Suddenly, Jane bursts out laughing and reaches underthe desk – apparently having just beentickled.]

[Photo of Betty Ford and lisping broadcast journalistBarbara Walters] The First Annual Barbara WaltersLook-Alike Contest was held this week in Washington.And the first runner-up was First Lady Betty Ford. Thewinner was Barbara Walters who remarked that shedoesn’t feel she really looks like herself but willuse the prize money to buy a lifetime supply of theletter “R.” …

[Photo of Jacques Cousteau holding what appears to betwo small statuettes] And, in sports this week,underwater explorer Jacques Cousteau has discovered atribe of eleven inch tall prizefighters in the AegeanSea. Negotiations are under way to match one of themagainst Mayor Beame at Madison Square Garden nextspring.

Jane Curtin: And now Update presents a specialChristmas segment, courtesy of the United Statesgovernment’s Public Safety bureau. Here iscorrespondent Ray Basalt with the December radioactivefallout report.

[Cut to genial, fast-talking Ray Basalt, casuallydressed in a denim suit with an open-neckedwide-collared shirt and a gold medallion on a chainaround his neck. Behind him is a bulletin board thatreads: DAILY FORECAST, several wall clocks, and achalkboard with a map of the U.S.]

Ray Basalt: Thank you, Jane! Hi, everybody andwelcome to the Fallout Report! We, uh, hope to giveyou as much information as we can on the domesticfallout situation for the holiday season. I’m RayBasalt and here’s how it looks:

[moves to map, occasionally marking it up with chalkand symbols of mushroom clouds as he speaks] Okay!Prevailing northerly winds in the mid-Atlantic havecarried a cloud of radioactive particles into a fewpopulation centers along the eastern seaboard here.Uh, now, uh, this debris is the result of a blast thatwas detonated over four thousand miles away bythe Indian government in the Gobi Desert – and it’saffecting the tri-state area. These particles areexpected to start sprinkling down into New Jersey,Pennsylvania and parts of New York state early nextweek. Not much to worry about, however. Theseparticles are far too big to inhale into the lungs …However, they do contain tellurium gamma rays sowater, milk and all dairy products will becontaminated throughout the holiday season – for atleast two months, anyway. … Well, it is the softdrink season, so – [chuckles] – we don’t have too muchto worry about.

Okay, let’s turn to the west coast now and see what wefind here. All right, last summer, as you know, was aheavy time of thermonuclear testing by the People’sRepublic of China. In July, they detonated a fiftymegaton fission-fusion-fission device above thePacific Ocean. This resulted in a high altitudeairburst. Now, the fission products from thisdetonation, which linger just below the Earth’stroposphere, have started to drop. They’re being movedacross the Pacific water body by the high winds upthere in the troposphere. This — coupled with coldfronts which move up into southern California fromTexas — uh, all in all, well, we should say that,well, it should bring a fairly heavy shower ofdangerous beta particles into the San Diego areasometime near the end of the month and probably beforeChristmas anyway. Now, that blast was a pretty heavyone so the yield of beta particles will be sizable.Beta particles, of course, as you know, cause seriousradiation burns so, San Diego residents, stay inside,keep pets inside, don’t drink or eat anything and, ifyou have a lead suit, wear it. …

Elsewhere across the country, in Florida, uh, some,uh, particles as a result of French testing in theAntarctic. Uh, all across the Midwest, there areparticles there. Uh, from domestic testing in Nevada,of course. And, uh, there was some in Texas down herenear Corpus Christi. Nothing too serious.

We should mention, however, the beta cloud over SanDiego will be moving on up into the Los Angeles areaand, although it won’t be dangerous from a radioactivestandpoint, the remaining fallout when combined withhydrocarbon emissions in the Los Angeles basin shouldmake for quite a brew [turns to a nearby wall chartmarked AIR QUALITY with four levels: POOR / BAD /MASKS REQUIRED / REFRAIN FROM BREATHING] and a readingof one, two, three, four – on our air quality table.[puts a big red X next to number four: REFRAIN FROMBREATHING]

And remember the MLRD for human beings — that’sMedian Lethal Radiation Dose — is four hundred andfifty REMs. Uh, anything under that and the most youhave to deal with is some odd internal bleeding, lossof hair, skin sores and unceasing nausea. Okay?[tosses chalk in the air and catches it with a smile]And that’s the Fallout Report for the holiday season.Back to you, Jane.

[Applause as we cut back to Jane at the desk.]

Jane Curtin: [Photo of gymnast Olga Korbut atopa balance beam doing a particularly strenuousbackbend] Olga Korbut, the sensational Russian gymnastof the ’72 Olympics, announced this week that she willbe married next month in Moscow. The agile 21-year-oldis shown here getting in shape for her wedding night…. The prospective bridegroom is reported to be in aRussian hospital undergoing special surgery to haveall of his bones removed. …

[Photo of snow-covered street] Still to come: Cocainedealers convene in Buffalo after this message. …[Applause – Jane winces and reaches under the deskuncomfortably as we fade out for ad parody: FX-70Cheese Slicer]

Jane Curtin: [Photo of man in Santa Clausoutfit holding a revolver] Tragedy at the North Polethis week when Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer broke aleg and had to be shot. When asked who will guide hissleigh, a grief-stricken Santa Claus replied, “JimNabors.” More on this story as it develops. [Joke dies- Patrick’s hand reaches up from under the desk – Janehands him the paper which he crumples and disappearswith]

[reads the next item:] Well, time certainly flies,doesn’t it? … [Patrick reaches up again but Janebats his hand away]

Having trouble selecting a Christmas gift for yourstallion? Well, maybe this will help. [Doctored photoof a horse wearing a human being’s shoes on its hindhooves] It’s the latest style in animal footwear.Earth horseshoes. Manufacturers say that they are likeordinary shoes except the heels are lower than thetoes. [Photo of a horse showing its teeth, as ifsmiling] Honest Pleasure, pictured here, says he wearsthem and that, quote, [trippy voice] “It’s realmellow. It’s like I’m standing in a lotus position.”[exhales through lips like a horse] End quote.[applause]

Jane Curtin: From time to time, Weekend Updatepresents opposing viewpoints to important issues. Now,here with an editorial reply is Miss EmilyLitella.

Emily Litella: [bespectacled little old ladywith squeaky voice] Uhh, what’s all this fuss I keephearing about this Christmas the United Nations iscollecting money for unisex? Now, don’t thosekind of people have enough beauty parlors and clothingstores as it is? I mean, do they need more? Why,they’re all over the place, these unisex places! TheUnited Nations should be giving money to littlechildren overseas, children who can use it, not tothese weirdos!

Jane Curtin: Uh, Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: Why, it’s outrageous!

Jane Curtin: Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: I can’t believe– What?What?

Jane Curtin: [speaking slowly and clearly] Uh,that’s “UNICEF.” Not “unisex.” The editorial was aboutUNICEF, the United Nations International Children’sEmergency Fund, not unisex. UNICEF.

Emily Litella: Oh, well, well that’s verydifferent. [squints and grins, into camera] Nevermind. … [Applause] Uh, just, um, one more thing,Miss Clayton. Um, I was wondering why ever sinceyou’ve been, ah, doing Update I haven’t been on theshow too much. I mean, I used to be on quiteoften.

Jane Curtin: Yes. Well, Miss Litella, you canbe on as often as you like — as long as you come upwith something funnier than “unisex.”

Emily Litella: Well, I’ll do my best…

Jane Curtin: Good.

Emily Litella: Bitch. …

[Applause, which continues till the end.]

Jane Curtin: That’s all the news for tonight.Thank you and have a very pleasant holiday.

[As we pull back and fade out, Jane glares at thedeparting Miss Litella.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

The Killer Trees

Singer … Garrett Morris
Detective … Dan Aykroyd
Lieutenant Bushakis… John Belushi
Miss Vaveseur … Candice Bergen
Mrs. Rodriguez … Gilda Radner
Lieutenant Nagey … Tom Schiller
Suspect … Frank Zappa
Stagehand…..Neil Levy

[As snow falls from above, a singer in a white suitstands in front of a row of decorated Christmas treesand sings a solemn version of “O Tannenbaum” to pianoaccompaniment.]

Singer: [sings]
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,
Wie treu sind deine Blätter!

[The row of trees inch forward toward the unsuspectingsinger.]

Singer: [sings]
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,
Wie treu sind deine Blätter!

[The row of trees comes a few steps closer to thesinger.]

Singer: [sings]
Du grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit,
Nein auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.

[The trees are now right up against the unwittingsinger’s back.]

Singer: [sings]
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum–

[A branch explodes from the singer’s chest, piercinghis thorax and killing him almost instantly – hescreams, his eyes pop – he’s quickly dead, mouth andeyes wide open – Dramatic musical sting – SUPER: THEKILLER TREES]

Don Pardo V/O: The Killer Trees!

[The singer’s body quivers. Applause. Dissolve topolice station where a plainclothes detective speakson the phone.]

Detective: [into phone] Yeah. Yeah, that’s whatI said. You heard me! They’re killer Christmas trees!… They’re desperate trees, Chief, they won’t justsettle for tinsel and candy canes – they want blood…. I don’t know, Chief, they’re some kind of mutant!… Well, they hear the traditional Christmas hymn “OTannenbaum” and then they kill. … Looks like we’vegot a full-scale ecological disaster on our hands.I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Yeah. Allright.

[Detective hangs up. A second plainclothesman,Lieutenant Bushakis, standing nearby, has beenlistening in.]

Lt. Bushakis: These trees got an M.O.?

Detective: Well, they force themselves ontoChristmas tree lots where they lure their victims:unsuspecting, uh, Christmas tree buyers.

Lt. Bushakis: How do they do it?

Detective: Well, by looking full and bushy andstanding close to where their cars are parked. Andthey’re very smart.

Lt. Bushakis: Yeah.

Detective: They keep their prices low byconstantly marking themselves down.

Lt. Bushakis: Sounds like a tough case tocrack.

Detective: We GOTTA crack it! Or a lot oflittle kids who thought they were gonna get a bicycle– will end up with a pierced thorax!

Lt. Bushakis: Okay. Let’s roll.

Detective: Yeah.

[The detectives exit their office to the accompanimentof some cheesy uptempo ’70s cop show arrangement of “OTannenbaum” – Dissolve to a business office where MissVaveseur, a well-dressed executive, waves goodnight toher Latino cleaning lady.]

Miss Vaveseur: Well, good night, Mrs.Rodriguez. Um, y feliz Navidad.

Mrs. Rodriguez: [heavy accent] Good night!Merry Christmas to you, Miss Vaveseur!

[Mrs. Rodriguez watches Miss Vaveseur exit, thencautiously sits at office desk and usestelephone.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: [sings to herself as she dialsnumber] La cucaracha, la cucaracha. La la la lala. [into phone] Hello? Hello, mama? Mama! Yeah, Ijust called to tell you. Right. I decided what to givelittle Jose for Christmas for him to play with. Yeah,a box of Kleenex. [holds up a box of tissues from thedesk] I’m gonna– Yeah, he can put it in his nose andstuff. Right. Okay, okay, I’ll say it’s from you, too- from both of us. Okay, mama, enjoy the turkeycarcass. Goodbye!

[Mrs. Rodriguez hangs up and rises. In the corner ofthe office, a decorated Christmas tree trembles andsings in a high-pitched voice.]

Christmas Tree: [sings] O Tannenbaum, oTannenbaum …

[Mrs. Rodriguez hears the voice but sees no one. Shesings her own version of the tune – with differentlyrics – as she cleans the office.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: [sings]
Oh, I’m so poor
Oh, I’m so poor
La la la
Oh, I’m so poor

[The tree moves threateningly toward Mrs. Rodriguez asshe dusts a painting on the wall but retreats as shemoves to the nearby desk.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: [sings]
Oh, I’m so poor
La cucaracha, la la la la
Oh, I’m so poor
Oh, I’m so poor
La da da

[Again, the tree moves toward Mrs. Rodriguez, thenretreats. She briefly breaks off singing, sensingsomething is wrong.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: [sings] Ah doodah

[The tree attacks her from the rear. She screams. Abranch explodes through her chest.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: Santa Claus!

[Dramatic musical sting – Mrs. Rodriguez, eyes andmouth wide open, is impaled on the tree as we dissolveto the police station where Miss Vaveseur sits, cryinghysterically. The two plainclothes detectives try tocomfort her.]

Miss Vaveseur: Oh! Oh, God!

Detective: Okay, just – just calm down for aminute. We just have to piece this thing together now.

Miss Vaveseur: It’s so horrible.

Detective: You say you heard the scream.

Miss Vaveseur: Oh, God, yes.

Detective: When you heard the scream, you ranback in and you saw the killer. That’s all we want.What did you see? Just a –

Lt. Bushakis: All right.

Detective: – a rough description.

Lt. Bushakis: Now, just calm down here, allright? Calm down and describe the killer to our policeartist here, Sergeant Nagey. Try to describe it now.Was he tall? Short?

Miss Vaveseur: [Sergeant Nagey, anotherplainclothesman, sits nearby with a sketch pad anddraws on it energetically as she speaks] He was verytall. He was so tall. And really bushy. Very bushy.With a lot of really neat ornaments! Oh, God!

Lt. Bushakis: Something like this?

[Bushakis grabs the sketch pad and holds it up to her- it’s a color drawing of a decorated Christmastree.]

Miss Vaveseur: [horrified] Ohhhhh, nooooooo!That’s it! That’s the killer!

Lt. Bushakis: Okay. [hands sketch back toNagey] Send it out over the wire services.

Sergeant Nagey: Yeah. [rises]

Lt. Bushakis: Hurry up, come on. [Nagey exitswith sketch]

Detective: [to Miss Vaveseur] Okay, now, uh, weneed one more thing. We need you to identify somesuspects, all right, now?

Miss Vaveseur: Oh!

Detective: All right. We’re gonna show you aline-up. All right? Ya think you can handleit?

[Cheesy cop show arrangement of “O Tannenbaum” returnsas Miss Vaveseur steels herself.]

Detective: Come on, let’s go.

[Miss Vaveseur and the detectives exit. We dissolve toa view of suspects in a police line-up. From left toright: an undecorated tree, a decorated tree, and along-haired barefoot man with beard and mustache wholooks exactly like Frank Zappa.]

Detective V/O: Okay, Miss Vaveseur, now, you’relooking through one-way glass. Nobody can see you.Look at these three suspects and tell us which one youthink is the killer.

Miss Vaveseur V/O: Uh, I – I don’t know. Theyall look the same to me.

Detective V/O: Uh huh.

Lt. Bushakis V/O: Wait a minute! I got a hunch.

Detective V/O: Go ahead.

Lt. Bushakis V/O: It’s crazy but it just mightwork. [to the suspects] Simon says, “Shake yourbranches!” [the two trees shake their branches, Zappawiggles his fingers] Simon says, “Jiggle yourornaments!” [the decorated tree jiggles its ornaments,as does Zappa who toys with the buttons on his tanraincoat] “Kill the person next to you!” [None of thesuspects responds, of course] Okay. Simon says, “Killthe person next to you.”

[The decorated tree leans into Zappa and a branchexplodes through Zappa’s chest. Dramatic musical sting- Zappa dies with much less fuss than the previousvictims. Dissolve back to the police station office asMiss Vaveseur and the detectives return.]

Lt. Bushakis: Well, I – I think we’ve got ourtree. These trees are smart but they’re not thatsmart.

Detective: Okay, one more thing, Miss Vaveseur.Where did you buy that tree? The tree.

Miss Vaveseur: I – I bought it at a lot downthe street. It’s the same place where I bought thetree for my apartment.

Detective: That means that one in yourapartment might be a killer, too.

Lt. Bushakis: Yeah, but we can only arrest himif we catch him the act.

Detective: [to Miss Vaveseur] I’m afraid we’regonna have to ask for one more thing — yourcooperation here. We’re gonna have to ask you to actas a decoy. Okay?

Lt. Bushakis: Now, uh, don’t we all–? If youjust start singing “O Tannenbaum” …

Detective: Right.

Lt. Bushakis: … okay? …

Detective: Are you with us?

Lt. Bushakis: … in the apartment with thetree – you’ll act as a decoy. If you need us, we’ll beright outside.

Detective: We’ll be right there. Noproblem.

Lt. Bushakis: Just yell. Okay?

Detective: Okay? You with us? [she nods] Okay,let’s go. [to Bushakis] Get a task force over thereright away.

Miss Vaveseur: I’ll do whatever I can to sparethe lives of innocent Gentiles. …

Lt. Bushakis: Okay. I’ll call the task force -I’ll meet you over there.

[Miss Vaveseur and the detective exit as Lt. Bushakisgets on the phone.]

Lt. Bushakis: [into phone] Yeah, this isLieutenant Bushakis. I want ten squad cars and fourpatrol cars outside Twenty-nine West Street. And, justin case, send an ambulance — with a tree surgeon. …That’s right. You heard me right. Do it fast,pal.

[Bushakis hangs up, looks grim – cop show version of”O Tannenbaum” plays as we dissolve to Miss Vaveseur’sapartment where a decorated tree waits ominously. MissVaveseur enters carrying a wreath and staresapprehensively at the tree. She gestures to the unseendetectives in the hall behind her, then shuts theapartment door, clears her throat, and walks near thetree.]

Miss Vaveseur: [talks to herself, nervous] Well… well … Boy, do I ever want to get pierced in thethorax! [laughs nervously]

Christmas Tree: [quivers, sings in high-pitchedvoice]
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum …

Miss Vaveseur: [sings nervously]
O killer trees, o killer Christmas trees
I want to feel your branches in me

[The tree lunges at her back – she screams – a branchpierces her thorax – dramatic musical sting – the twodetectives burst in with guns drawn – but it’s toolate – she’s dead.]

Lt. Bushakis: Well, we said we’d be outside butwe didn’t say we’d do anything.

Detective: Yeah. … Well, I guess we’d bettertake this tree downtown.

Lt. Bushakis: Okay.

Detective: [handcuffs the tree] Okay, tree!You’re comin’ with us. Come on. You have the right toone phone call, you have the right to remain silent,anything you say can and will be used against you in acourt of law.

Lt. Bushakis: Hey, what do we do, uh, about theguy behind it?

Detective: What? This guy? [pulls a maskedstagehand, dressed in green, from behind the tree,rips off the mask] Ah, he’s just an innocent stagehand– he didn’t have anything to do with it. [stagehandretreats behind tree]

Lt. Bushakis: Well, we’ll take him downtown andbook him as an accomplice.

Detective: [staring sorrowfully at the deadMiss Vaveseur] It’s so sad, you know, because — shelooked – like an angel.

Lt. Bushakis: And now – she isone.

Detective: I guess – this case – isclosed.

[Cop show version of “O Tannenbaum” plays as thedetectives salute each other with their weapons overMiss Vaveseur’s dead body. SUPER: THE KILLER TREES.The detectives stand motionless as we pull back andfade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Right To Extreme Stupidity League

Fern…..Candace Bergen
Lisa…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Fern reading a newspaper in the living room, as Lisa enters ]

Fern: Oh, hi! You’re just in time – I made some cookies, and here’s some milk.

Lisa: Oh, great! I’m so thirsty, I could drink a horse!

Fern: Boy, are you stupid. It’s “eat a horse”. “I could eat a horse.”

Lisa: [ sits ] Well, you do whatever you want, Fern, I’m still thirsty!

Fern: Well, here, have some milk. [ hands Lisa the glass ]

Lisa: Oh, thanks! [ pours the milk into her purse ] Gee.. this milk isn’t too good. I’m still thirsty!

Fern: Well, that’s because you poured it in your purse, you see?

Lisa: Oh..

Fern: You’re not too bright, are you, Fern..? I mean.. [ breaks character and laughs ] Whatever your name is! [ can’t stop laughing ]

Lisa [ helping ] Lisa!

Fern: As a matter of fact, you’re extrememly stupid!

Lisa: Well, you’re right, Fern. And, you know, I’m proud of it! [ turns to the camera ] You know, we all can’t be brainy like Fern here.. [ Candace tries harder to stifle her laughter ] That’s why I want to talk to you tonight about a God-given American right – the right to extreme stupidity! Extremely stupid people are discriminated against all the time, and I should know, and so should Fern, because we are extremely stupid people! For instance, I think that Bambi is a fish! [ laughs ] You know, that reminds me of a little joke.. [ starts laughing to herself for an extended length of time before changing her tone ] But seriously, the very English language itself is discriminatory against extremely stupid people. For instance, insulting phrases like.. [ reads from index cards ] “Boy, are you dumb!” ..and “Boy, are you dumb!” [ Fern changes card for Lisa ] Thank you! ..and “You’re not too bright, are you?” “What are you, stupid?” “Boy, are you ever extremely stupid!” “I could drink a horse!” “Gosh, am I thirsty..!”

Fern: This has been a paid message from the Right To Extreme Stupidity League.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Santi-Wrap

…..Laraine Newman
…..Dan Aykroyd
Mall Santa…..John Belushi

[ open on Laraine Newman and Dan Aykroyd standing in line to see Santa Claus at the mall ]

Laraine Newman: I’m next!

Dan Aykroyd: [ laughing ] Are you sure you want to do this?

Laraine Newman: Sure! You know, I mean it’s crazy, this time of year does something to me, I feel like a little kid!

Dan Aykroyd: Make it quick, though – we’ve got a lot of shopping to do.

Laraine Newman: Oh, don’t be such a Scrooge. Where’s your spirit?

[ little girl steps off Santa’s lap and heads off ]

Mall Santa: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, everybody!

Laraine Newman: I’ll only be a minute.

Dan Aykroyd: Sure.

[ as Laraine steps up to Santa Claus, she unrolls some toilet paper which she proceeds to place around his lap ]

Dan Aykroyd: Hey, wait a minute! What are you doing?

Laraine Newman: Relax! I said I’ll only be a minute..

Dan Aykroyd: What is this?

Laraine Newman: It’s for protection.

Dan Aykroyd: Toilet tissue?! You mean, you haven’t heard of Santi-Wrap? [ holds up red and green colored toilet seat protection sheet ] Sure.. Santi-Wrap – the colorful, decorative and hygienic way to protect yourself from germs carried by the likes of a part-time Santa Claus.

Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho..

Dan Aykroyd: Look, he’s so jolly, he’s smart, he knows if you’ve been sleeping – but do you know where he’s been sleeping?

Laraine Newman: [ sits up with a stir ] Oh, my goodness!

Dan Aykroyd: That’s just it, Look, Laraine – I love Santa just as much as anybody else, but, December 26th, Noel over here goes back to the Y.

Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho..

Laraine Newman: But won’t toilet paper protect me?

Dan Aykroyd: Two-ply? Never. Not these germs. Let me show you.

[ show image of Santa’s bare leg ]

Dan Aykroyd: This is a picture of Santa’s leg. Seems normal. But look at the same picture magnified under a microscope.

[ show circular close-up of tiny little men sitting on a street corner, with little hairs surrounding the lens ]

Laraine Newman: Are those Santa’s helpers?

Dan Aykroyd: Yes, those are Santa’s helpers. And they’re communicable. Now, will you stop using the two-ply?

Laraine Newman: What a fool I’ve been! [ replaces her toilet paper with one Santi-Wrap sheet and sits ] Okay.. I want a car, and a refigerator, and –

Dan Aykroyd: Use Santi-rap, and I promise you won’t get one tick.. from jolly St. Nick.

Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho.. ho.. ho ho..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Diana Nyad

… Candice Bergen

[Host Candice Bergen stands before the well-trimmedChristmas tree at home base and addresses thecamera.]

Candice Bergen: And now here’s this week’s filmby Gary Weis. It’s about Diana Nyad, the marathonswimmer who swam around Manhattan Island.

[The film begins with a young female college studentaddressing the camera. She is photographed in front ofa swimming pool in a darkened gym.]

1st Student: Diana’s been a big influence on meas far as my definitions of what a woman can be – andwhat a woman is. She’s the first woman I’ve met in mylife that sat down and said, “This is what I want -and I’m gonna get it – and it doesn’t matter at allwhat anybody else in the world thinks.”

[Elegant classical music begins and continues till thefilm ends. Slow motion footage of Diana Nyadswimming.]

Diana Nyad V/O: I have been swimming now forover fifteen years, over four hours a day, sometimesfive, sometimes six.

[Nyad works out on a weight machine.]

Diana Nyad V/O: The average heartbeat isseventy-two to seventy-five beats a minute. Theaverage trained athlete is from sixty to seventy.

[Pre-dawn. Nyad, in a heavy winter coat, runs across acrowded New York City street carrying a gym bag and apair of racquets.]

Diana Nyad V/O: My heartbeat is forty-five inthe morning at rest. Um, I can get it up to a hundredeighty when I’m working very hard but the point aboutbeing in shape is that it comes back down veryquickly.

[Slow motion footage of Nyad’s muscles flexing as sheworks out on the weight machine.]

Diana Nyad V/O: I, um, hold the world recordfor swimming from Capri to Naples in Italy and I’m theonly person to have crossed Lake Ontario, which tookeighteen hours, twenty minutes. I hold the record forswimming around Manhattan Island, in a little undereight hours.

[Slow motion footage of Nyad, wearing headband andwielding a racquet, as she plays a game ofsquash.]

Diana Nyad V/O: When I’m swimming during the -the toughest seasons of the year, I eat twelvethousand to twelve thousand five hundred calories aday which is at least ten times what the averageperson eats.

[More female students filmed in front of an Olympicswimming pool in a darkened gym — presumably atBarnard College, an independent liberal arts collegefor women in New York City, affiliated with ColumbiaUniversity.]

2nd Student: Diana Nyad is our coach on theBarnard College swim team. She really has been aninspiration for all of us.

3rd Student: Knowing Diana has made me see thatI can do anything that I want to do. She demandsperfection from you in – in everything but you don’tmind giving it to her because you know that shedemands it from herself.

[More footage of Nyad on the weight machine. More slowmotion footage of Nyad swimming.]

Diana Nyad V/O: From a mile out, I can hear theclapping and the screaming. The people realize that Iswam from a place that they couldn’t even see on theclearest day. They know I may faint when I arrive.They share with me the most extreme moment of all.For, after the pain, the cold, the hours, thedistance, after the fatigue and the loneliness –after all this, comes my emergence. And my emergenceis what it’s all about.

[Nyad turns from the weight machine to smile into thecamera, then turns back. Fade.Applause.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts