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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Candice Bergen’s Monologue

Stagehand…..Joe Dicso
…..Jane Curtin
…..Candice Bergen
…..Lorne Michaels
…..John Belushi
Louis…..Tom Schiller
Sam…..Garrett Morris

Don Pardo: [ announcing ] Ladies and gentlemen.. Candice Bergen!

[ audience applauds wildly, but Candice is nowhere to be found on Home Base ]

[ Jane Curtin and Joe Dicso rush upon Home Base, nervous, as Jane runs offstage and down to hall to Candice’s dressing room ]

Jane Curtin: Candy? You’ve gotta come out, they’re waiting for you, the show is starting.

Candice Bergen: [ muffled behind closed door ] Um.. I-I-I really can’t do it, Jane.. I’m just too frightened.

Jane Curtin: Candy, that’s silly! You’ve done this show before, it was great!

Candice Bergen: Well.. it’s just that I only did it to be close to him, Jane.. Don’t you see? When I was with him, I wasn’t afriad of anything!

Jane Curtin: Candy, forget him, he’s not worth it, no man is – especially John Belushi.

Candice Bergen: I can’t forget him, Jane. We shared so much together. When he held me in his arms, we had something special.

Jane Curtin: Candy, that was cellulite you felt.

Candice Bergen: It’s not cellulite. John just gives that appearance on television – he explained it to me, the camera makes him look fifty pounds heavier.

[ nervous Lorne Michaels enters the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: Jane, what’s the matter?

Jane Curtin: It’s John again.

Lorne Michaels: [ sighs heavily ] I don’t understand it. What is this power that Belushi has over women? They fawn themselves over him, all he does is walk all over them. [ sighs again ] She won’t come out?

Jane Curtin: No.

Lorne Michaels: I’ll find John.

Jane Curtin: Okay.

[ Lorne exits down the hall in search of John ]

Jane Curtin: Candy, look what you’re doing to yourself!

Candice Bergen: I don’t care, Jane! Why won’t John at least talk to me!

Jane Curtin: Because he’s an animal.

Candice Bergen: I know.. that’s why I love him..

Jane Curtin: Candy, he’s no good. He’s had his way with every single woman on this network. Why do you think Barbara Walters left? It wasn’t money, it was Belushi! [ a beat ] Candy, come on. Please?

Candice Bergen: I’m sorry, Jane.

[ suddenly, John Belushi, dressed in a white tuxedo like Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca” enters the hall ]

John Belushi: I’ll take care of this for you, alright?

[ Jane steps aside, as John knocks on Candice’s dressing room door ]

Candice Bergen: Go away!

John Belushi: Candy! Get out here!

[ Candice opens the door and comes out of her dressing room ]

Candice Bergen: John? Oh, John! [ hugs John ]

John Belushi: Candy. Listen, Candy, baby, I know how you feel, but it’s over!

Candice Bergen: It can’t be.. you’re just angry, that’s all. Listen, John, I’ll do anything, I don’t care! What do you want me to do?

John Belushi: It’s not you, Candy. It’s me! How many times do I have to tell you! It’s only for your own good. Don’t you understand? I’ll only hurt you!

Candice Bergen: I know, I know! That’s what I want John! John, nice guys are a dime a dozen! But I’m attracted to.. swill!

John Belushi: Ah, I wouldn’t believe anything you told me right now! You’d say anything to get what you want!

Candice Bergen: John.. can’t you just think about us?

John Belushi: There is no us, Candy.

Candice Bergen: All you can think about is yourself! One woman hurts you, and you just take it out on the rest of the world! You’re a coward and a weakling! [ slaps John hard across the face, shocking herself ] I’m sorry, John.. I’m really sorry, I’m really sorry! Did I hurt you?

John Belushi: [ in his best Bogart tone ] Yes.. very much.

Candice Bergen: I’m so sorry.. you know I would never do anything to hurt you.. you’re the first man I’ve ever loved!

John Belushi: Yes.. and I love you, too. And that’s why I want to get you out there on that stage.

Candice Bergen: Are you not just saying that to make me go?

John Belushi: I’m saying that because it’s the truth, Sandy!

Candice Bergen: Candy.

John Belushi: Candy.

[ soft piano version of “As Time Goes By” cues up in the background, as fog spreads through the room ]

John Belushi: It’s the truth, and you know it. You have to get out there. Now, listen.. look – I’m no good at being noble.. but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of two little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. You see, inside of us, we both know you belong up on that stage. You’re part of the show, the thing that keeps it going. And, if that show starts and you’re not on it, you’ll regret it.

Candice Bergen: No, I won’t..

John Belushi: Maybe not now.. maybe not tomorrow.. but soon, and for the rest of your life.

[ airplane propellers can be heard starting up ]

Loudspeaker: The last plane for Lisbon now departing.

Candice Bergen: Oh.. what about us, John?

John Belushi: Well.. we’ll still have Paris.. or the Muppets. Well.. here’s looking at you, kid. You better go.

[ they turn down the hall and walk away from the camera, passing Louis along the way ]

John Belushi: Hi, Louis!

[ dissolve to Garrett Morris as Sam, playing the piano in a smoke-filled room ]

Sam: Good morning, Mr. Rick.. Miss Ilsa.

Candice Bergen: Sam? Boy, you sound as good as ever.

John Belushi: Listen up, Sam – you can close up for the night.

Sam: Alright, Mr. Rick.

[ Sam stops playing the piano, and closes the room ]

John Belushi: Listen, uh.. Candy. You do a good show, and maybe – just maybe – afterwards, we can have a drink later.

Candice Bergen: My place?

John Belushi: That’s fine.

Candice Bergen: The thing is.. I never know if you’re gonna show up. You’re such a filthy liar, you’ve never told me the truth. I guess that’s why I need you, John. I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. [ facing the camera ] And we’ll be right back after this message.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Patty Hearst At Home

Catherine Campbell…..Jane Curtin
Anne Hearst…..Laraine Newman
Patty Hearst…..Gilda Radner
Randolph Hearst…..Dan Aykroyd
Franklin the Butler…..Garrett Morris
KNOO Anchor…..John Belushi

[ open on the Hearst Family sitting around the TV playing a game of Scrabble ]

Catherine Campbell: Oh, Patty, I’m so happy you didn’t have to spend the holidays in that awful prison.

Anne Hearst: Me, too, Sis!

Patty Hearst: Well… I’m very thankful.

Catherine Campbell: We have so much to be thankful for: the worst is over, you’re home…

Randolph Hearst: And we’re still rich!

[ the family laughs ]

Randolph Hearst: Oh, now look at that — we got “shelter” on the board here, so… [ he picks up his letters and places them on the board ] T… A… X. “Taxshelter”. Triple-word score on the “X” — that’s 44 points!

Catherine Campbell: Very good, Randy. Now, let’s see. That’s Father… [ totals the scores ] 391… Mother, 304… Ann, you have 217… and, Patty, 37.Well, I’m not very good at Scrabble.

Anne Hearst: You should try for longer words, Patty. I mean, “pig” and “gun” aren’t gonna get you many points.

Catherine Campbell: Go ahead, honey — it’s your turn.

Patty Hearst: [ sighs ] Okay. [ she places her letters down ] There.

Anne Hearst: [ frowns ] What’s that word supposed to be?

Patty Hearst: “Slaw”. Like in “cole slaw”.

Anne Hearst: You don’t spell “slaw” “S-L-A”! Cheater!

Patty Hearst: Oh, you! Stop it!

[ Anne and Patty begin to slap one another ]

Randolph Hearst: Oh, now — come on, girls! There, there… really! Now, Anne, Patty’s not cheating — she’s just confused.

Anne Hearst: [ angry ] Oh, Patty’s CONFUSED! It’s always “Patty this” and “Patty that” Well, you want to know who the REAL victim is? ME!! ME!! ME!!

[ Patty throws the Scrabble board at Anne ]

Randolph Hearst: Come on, girls! Please!

[ Franklin the Butler enters with a tray of egg nog ]

Franklin the Butler: Here comes Miss Patty’s favorite: Egg Nog a la Franklin.

Patty Hearst: Thank you, Franklin!

Franklin the Butler: You’re welcome, Miss Hearst.

[ everyone grabs a cup of egg nog ]

Patty Hearst: Mmm, this is good.

Catherine Campbell: Thank you very much, Franklin.

Franklin the Butler: Yes.

Patty Hearst: Oh, Franklin? Do you feel exploited by my family?

Franklin the Butler: [ hesitant to answer ] Uhhhh — why, no, Miss Hearst… I don’t feel exploited.

Randolph Hearst: [ pleased ] Franklin, take next week off — you deserve it.

Franklin the Butler: Thank you, sir.

[ Franklin exits ]

Catherine Campbell: Why don’t we put away the Scrabble game, and just relax with some TV?

Randolph Hearst: Good idea! Let’s escape into the TV!

[ Randolph uses the remote control to turn on the TV — “S.W.A.T.” is playing ]

Announcer: Tonight, on “S.W.A.T.”: A wealthy newspaper heiress is kidnapped by a radical terrorist group, ransomed for a China doll —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel, where “Hawaii 5-0” plays ]

Announcer: A kidnap victim becomes the unwitting accomplice in a bank robbery, on: “Hawaii 5-0” —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel ]

Announcer V/O: Tonight, on “Cinema Classics”: Orson Welles’ immortal “Citizen Kane” —

[ Randolph rapidly clicks through a series of channels, stopping on a news report ]

KNOO Anchor: We at KNOO feel that Patty has been exploited by the media. Where is the decency that should be afforded this young girl who has undergone —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel ]

[ a live shot of the Hearst Family sitting in their living room appears on the screen ]

Catherine Campbell: What show is this?

[ return to the Hearst Family sitting in their living room ]

Patty Hearst: [ excited ] Oh! It’s “NBC’s Saturday Night” — it’s my favorite show! I used to watch it all the time in prison, I can always depend on it being tasteful! Oh! Here’s my favorite part, where they say:

[ cut to Patty on the TV screen ]

Patty Hearst: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Let’s Kill Gary Gilmore For Christmas

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

… Candice Bergen
… Gilda Radner
… Dan Aykroyd
… Jane Curtin
… John Belushi
… Laraine Newman
… Garrett Morris

[Candice Bergen stands before the well-trimmedChristmas tree at home base and addresses the camera.]

Candice Bergen: One night this July, GaryGilmore killed a Utah service station attendant andthe next night he shot a twenty-five year old studenttwice in the head. He was convicted of the secondmurder and sentenced to death. Gilmore requested thatthe sentence be carried out by firing squad. Prisonofficials were flooded with calls with peoplevolunteering to shoot Gilmore, a job which pays ahundred and twenty-five dollars. Gilmore’s lawyer isnegotiating with publishers and motion picture studiosfor book and movie rights and there has been a cry forpublic execution. [holds up a New York Post with alarge front page headline: The Gilmore Ruling: KILLHIM] All three networks have asked permission to filmthe event and, if permission is not granted, thenthere’s talk of filming the execution, from adirigible, helicopter or hang glider. And so it’s inthis spirit that Saturday Night has prepared a veryspecial Christmas song.

[As the music begins, we dissolve to the giantChristmas tree at Rockefeller Center and then to aclose-up of Gilda Radner, her hair and face peltedwith artificial snow, as she sings:]

Gilda Radner:
There’s a little guy in Utah with a single ChristmaswishFor one special thing that can’t be substitutedDoesn’t want to get electric trains, get toys or getpet fishAll he really wants to get is executed

[Dissolve wide to take in the rest of the cast,dressed in holiday sweaters amid falling snow, womenin the front row, men in back. Everyone sings:]

Cast:
So let’s kill Gary Gilmore for Christmas
Let’s hang him from atop the Christmas tree
Let’s give to him the only gift that money can’tbuy
Put poison in his egg nog, let him drink it, watch himdie

[Dan Aykroyd talks while the others hum softly:]

Dan Aykroyd:
Let’s throw another yule log on the fire
And then let’s throw Gary Gilmore on there too
With a ribbon so gay and a card that will say
“Dear Gary, Merry Christmas to you”

Jane, Laraine, Gilda:
In the meadow, we can build a snowman
One with Gary Gilmore packed inside

John, Garrett, Dan:
We’ll say “Are you dead yet?” He’ll say “No, man”

Cast:
But we’ll wait out the frostbite till he dies

Gilda:
I’ve one Christmas wish

Jane, Laraine, John, Garrett, Dan:
Just ask it

Gilda:
Please put Gary in a casket

Cast:
So let’s toll the silver bells for him
While he can still hear what they say
Ding dong ding dong
You’re dead, so long
We can thrill Gary Gilmore
If we kill Gary Gilmore
On this Christmas Day

[Dissolve back to the Rockefeller Center Christmastree.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Consumer Probe

Consumer Reporter…..Candice Bergen
Irwin Mainway…..Dan Aykroyd

Consumer Reporter: Good evening, and welcome to the holiday edition of “Consumer Probe”. Our topic tonight is unsafe toys for children. For instance, this little bow and arrow set. [ holds up ] Pull the rubber suctions off, and the arrows become deadly missiles.

[ cut to full shot, showing Irwin Mainway seated to Joan’s right ]

We have with us tonight, Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Toys. Uh, Mr. Mainway, your company manufactures the following so-called harmless playthings: Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing Set, Mr. Skin-Grafter, General Tron’s Secret Police Confession Kit, and Doggie Dentist. And what about this innocent rubber doll, which you market under the name Johnny Switchblade? [ holds up doll ] Press his head, and two sharp knives spring from his arms. [ demonstrates ] Mr. Mainway, I’m afraid this is, by no means, a very safe toy.

Irwin Mainway: Okay, Miss, I wanna correct you, alright. The full name of this product, as it appears in stores all over the county, is Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk. I mean, nothing goes wrong.. little girls buy ’em, you know, they play games, they make up stories, nobody gets hurt. I mean, so Barbie takes a knife once in a while, or Ken gets cut. You know, there’s no harm in that. I mean, as far as I can see, you know?

Consumer Reporter: Alright. Fine. Fine. Well, we’d like to show you another one of Mr. Mainway’s products. It retails for $1.98, and it’s called Bag O’ Glass. [ holds up bag of glass ] Mr. Mainway, this is simply a bag of jagged, dangerous, glass bits.

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, right, it’s you know, it’s glass, it’s broken glass, you know? It sells very well, as a matter of fact, you know? It’s just broken glass, you know?

Consumer Reporter: [ laughs ] I don’t understand. I mean, children could seriously cut themselves on any one of these pieces!

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, well, look – you know, the average kid, he picks up, you know, broken glass anywhere, you know? The beach, the street, garbage cans, parking lots, all over the place in any big city. We’re just packaging what the kids want! I mean, it’s a creative toy, you know? If you hold this up, you know, you see colors, every color of the rainbow! I mean, it teaches him about light refraction, you know? Prisms, and that stuff! You know what I mean?

Consumer Reporter: So, you don’t feel that this product is dangerous?

Irwin Mainway: No! Look, we put a label on every bag that says, “Kid! Be careful – broken glass!” I mean, we sell a lot of products in the “Bag O'” line.. like Bag O’ Glass, Bag O’ Nails, Bag O’ Bugs, Bag O’ Vipers, Bag O’ Sulfuric Acid. They’re decent toys, you know what I mean?

Consumer Reporter: Well, I guess we could say that all of your toys are really unsafe and should rightfully be banned from the market. I guess I would just like to know what happened to the good ol’ teddy bear.

Irwin Mainway: Hold on a minute, sister. I mean, we make a teddy bear. It’s right here. [ picks up giant teddy bear ] It’s got a nice little feature here, you see? I’ll hold it up here. We call it a Teddy Chainsaw Bear. [ revs chainsaw in teddy bear’s stomach ] I mean, a kid plays with saws, he can cut logs with it, you know what I mean.

Consumer Reporter: Well, this is certainly a very sad situation. One of the precious joys of Christmas warped by a ruthless profiteer like yourself.

Irwin Mainway: Well, that’s just your opinion, you know what I mean?

Consumer Reporter: Well, I just don’t understand why you can’t make harmelss toys like these alphabet blocks. [ points to blocks ]

Irwin Mainway: C’mon, this is harmless? Alright, okay, you call this harmless? [ holds block in hand ] I mean.. [ plays with block and fakes injury ] Aagghh!! I got a splinter in here, look at that! This is wood! This is unsanded wood, it’s rough!

Consumer Reporter: Alright, that’s enough of this ridiculous display. [ holds toy phone ] Here is another creative toy, safe enough for a baby!

Irwin Mainway: [ grabs phone ] You say it’s safe, I mean, look at this cord.. the kid is on the phone – “Hello? Hello?” – then.. [ twists cord around his neck, screams, and falls backward in chair ] You know what I mean? It’s an example! You see my point, a dangerous toy like that?

Consumer Reporter: Well, let’s try this one. What about this little foam play ball? I mean, even you, Mr. Mainway, can’t find anything dangerous about this. Huh?

Irwin Mainway: [ takes ball, bounces it on table, then shoves it in his throat and feigns choking ]

Consumer Reporter: That’s all the time we have for “Consumer Probe” this week.

[ show fades black ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

FX-70 Cheese Slicer

… Candice Bergen
Johnny … John Belushi

[Parody of a 1970s Polaroid ad – Western music -Candice Bergen holds what appears to be an instantcamera as we pull back to reveal Johnny, a kid in acowboy outfit.]

Candice Bergen: Okay, Johnny, what do yousay?

Johnny: [smiles] Cheeeeese!

[Candice points the “camera” at Johnny and presses abutton – the “camera” whirs and a slice of processedyellow cheese emerges from the slot where one wouldexpect to see an instant photo]

Candice Bergen: Got it! [hands the cheese sliceto Johnny who happily unwraps and eats it] Anotherperfect slice of processed cheese! And look at thatcolor! It turns from mild to sharp in sixty seconds!

[Dissolve to a table laden with cheeseburgers,cheese-covered pie slices, etc. Over this, two handshold the “camera” with a slice of cheese sticking outof it]

Candice Bergen: The new FX-70 Cheese Slicer andprocessed cheese cartridges. [SUPER: $69.95] Onlysixty-nine ninety-five for all your cheese needs.

[Dissolve back to Candice and Johnny.]

Candice Bergen: Hey! What do you say?

Offscreen Children’s Voices: [as Johnny holdsup his cheese slice] Cheeeeese!

[Candice points the “camera” at Johnny who grinsmischievously and raises an eyebrow at her. Applause -fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Carter’s Promises

Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on President-elect Jimmy Carter sitting outside of a warehouse in Plains, Georgia, eating from a bag of shelled peanuts ]

Jimmy Carter: Good evening, my fellow Americans! If you remember my campaign for President, I promised to keep every promise I made. Tonight, I’m here to tell you.. well.. unfortunately, that will be impossible. [ smiles wide ] You see, I’m not privy to information that only a President is privy to, and I’m.. I’m beginning to appreciate just how good a President Gerald Ford has been. [ smiles wide ]

Considering today’s harsh economic realities – for example, I promised that I would both balance the budget and reduce unemployment. Well, it simply can’t be done! [ smiles wide ] No way! It just looks bad. If you could see all the papers and the briefs and information that I read – well, as Bob Dyland said, “It blows my mind!”

Now, look – the economy of the entire world is in a tailspin. Now, I don’t have all the answers. I never did. But I have developed a plan to save the world economy. But that’s gonna take me at least four years to get started. Because, after all, I’m not the President of the World. [ smiles wide ] So, don’t expect things to start improving until the beginning of my second term. But I do promise that, by 1984, well, we’ll have a balanced budget and full employment. And you cna depend on it! I love you all. God bless. Merry Christmas, and thank you for making me your president! [ chews a peanut ]

[ camera zooms out, then dissolves into a slow zoom on a random female audience member ]

[ SUPER: “Confused Polly Bergen Fan” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Adopt Belushi For Christmas

Written by: Rosie Shuster and Steve Shuster

… Candice Bergen
… John Belushi

[Host Candice Bergen stands before the well-trimmedChristmas tree at home base and addresses the camera.]

Candice Bergen: Well, it’s the last show beforeChristmas and, after it’s over, we’ll probably all goout and celebrate before heading our separate ways forthe holidays. Gilda’s going home to Detroit, Danny upto Canada, Laraine to Los Angeles, Jane’ll stay herewith Patrick, and, I guess, Garrett’ll be going backto Africa. … Yes, everybody’s going home. [walksover to John Belushi, seated on a stool nearby smokinga cigarette, and puts her hands on his shoulders.]Everybody — except for Belushi.

Now, we all want to help John but then we’ve allhelped him so much already: putting him up, talkingover his problems with him, lending him money. So now,it’s your turn to help. And, believe me, if you likegood acting and you just plain get off on good vibes,then here’s an offer you just can’t refuse. SaturdayNight proudly announces the Adopt Belushi forChristmas contest. … Write in immediately and stateyour case in twenty words or less why you are theideal family to adopt Belushi for Christmas. With hisswarthy good looks, John will appear right at home inany family with a depressed European background. …John’s had all of his shots, he’s an eager eater, plushe comes with his own attractive wardrobe whichincludes a Kahoutek T-shirt. Let Belushi share hismany stories and songs with the kiddies. [Bergenexits]

John Belushi: [sings, not very well]
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
[speaks, into camera]
Hi! I’m John Belushi! Ah, but you can call me”Beloosh,” just like my close personal friend ChevyChase does. … You know, it’s corny but – but I loveChristmas. Hey, I’d love to sit around the yule logand – play with your daughter. … Actually, I’m notdoing much this Christmas. Uh, anyway, how ’boutdinner? I’m not fussy. I’d like some candied yams,some plum pudding, a roast goose stuffed with drugs…. Uh, quadraphonic sound system would be real nice.And maybe I could use a car – if you’ve got one, anice brand new car. If you’ve got a fifteen year oldgirl, of course, that’d be nice. Fourteen, I don’tcare. Sixteen. Nice girl.

Candice Bergen: [returns, puts hands onBelushi’s shoulders] So, if you think you’re thatspecial American family, why not write to: [SUPER:]ADOPT BELUSHI FOR CHRISTMAS care of SATURDAY NIGHT,Box 409, New York 10019. Runners-up will receive apersonal phone call from Don Pardo. Come on, what doyou say? [hugs Belushi]

John Belushi: [waves] Hi, Mom and Dad!

[Applause. Belushi raises his eyebrows, then kissesBergen as we push forward and fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


December 11th, 1976

Candice Bergen

Frank Zappa

None

Joe Dicso

Lorne Michaels

Diana Nyad

Tom Schiller

Neil Levy
Patty Hearst at HomeSummary: Patty Hearst (Gilda Radner) spends Christmas with her family after her release from prison.

Recurring Characters: Patty Hearst.

Transcript

Montage

Candice Bergen’s MonologueSummary: Candice Bergen hides in her dressing room after being misled by John Belushi’s charms. Belushi dons his Bogart fedora to lure Bergen out with a promise that they’ll “always have Paris.”

Transcript

Carter’s PromisesSummary: Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) admits that he can’t keep the promises he made before the election.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Santi-WrapSummary: While waiting in line to see a drunken Santa Claus (John Belushi) at the mall, Dan Aykroyd demonstrates the sanitary tissue Laraine Newman should use before sitting on Santa’s knee.

Transcript

Frank Zappa performs “I’m The Slime”

Consumer ProbeSummary: Irwin Mainway (Dan Aykroyd) defends Bag O’Glass and other unsafe Christmas toys distributed by his industry.

Recurring Characters: Irwin Mainway.

Transcript

K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp GunSummary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.

Note: Repeat from 11/15/75.

Right To Extreme Stupidity LeagueSummary: After catching flack from Fern (Candice Bergen), Lisa (Gilda Radner) defends her right to be stupid.

Note: Candice Bergen gets the names of her and Gilda’s characters confused, which caused her to shamelessly laugh through the entire sketch.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Jane Curtin’s husband (Tom Schiller) begs her to quit work and come back home. Ray Basalt (Dan Aykroyd) gives a holiday radioactive fallout report. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) proclaims that she’s against collecting money for “Unisex.”

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

FX-70 Cheese SlicerSummary: Candice Bergen dispenses slices of cheese with her Polaroid camera.

Note: At the time, Candice Bergen was the spokesperson for Polaroid’s SX-70 Land Camera, and the company was displeased by her participation in this ad parody.

Transcript

Frank Zappa performs “LagoonRecurring Characters: Futaba.

The Killer TreesSummary: A detective (Dan Aykroyd) and Lt. Steve Bushakis (John Belushi) lead the search for a killer tree.

Recurring Characters: Steve Bushakis.

Transcript

Diana NyadSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Diana Nyad’s students talk about her as she trains.

Transcript

Adopt Belushi for ChristmasSummary: Because John Belushi’s girlfriend has kicked him out of their apartment, Candice Bergen puts the word out that he’s looking for a place to stay over the holidays.

Transcript

Let’s Kill Gary Gilmore For ChristmasSummary: Wanting to honor serial killer Gary Gilmore’s wishes, the cast deliver a poignant Christmas ditty in his honor.

Transcript

Frank Zappa performs “Peaches & Regalia”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Jodie’s Teacher

Jodie…..Jodie Foster
Teacher…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open in Teacher’s classroom, last day of Junior High ]

Jodie: But, anyway, I can hardly believe that it’s the last day of Junior High.. I mean, the last day of 9th grade! Like, all day long I kept thinking, this is the last time I’ll be doing certain things; this is the last time I’ll go to this locker; this is the last time I’ll get up from this desk; this is the last time I’ll look at that clock. Until, finally, at the end of the day, I said, “This is the last time I’ll be thinking this is the last time I’ll be doing something.”

Teacher: Yeah?

Jodie: Yeah. I mean, thinking about things like that can really drive a person crazy, you know?

Teacher: Mmm-hmm..

Jodie: I could be thinking that this is the last time I’ll be able to talk to Mr. Davis after class, like I’ve done every day for a year! But I’m not, I’m not gonna get driven crazy, you know?

Teacher: You’re leaning on my attendance forms.

Jodie: Oh. Sorry. [ raises herself ] Anyway, I’m not thinking about that. I’m not thinking about this may very well be the last time I’ll be able to come into this class and talk to you.

Teacher: What are you thinking about?

Jodie: Well, I’m thinking about, if I kind of squint my eyes and make everything kind of blurry, you look like Peter Frampton with short hair.

Teacher: Oh, really?

Jodie: Yeah! But I’m not thinking about how I’m never again, probably never again, gonna get to come into your room after school and talk to you about life.

Teacher: Well.. you’ll have other people to talk about life with, won’t you?

Jodie: Oh, the other people I know don’t want to talk about life. They think that life is boring!

Teacher: Oh, really?

Jodie: Yeah, I think life is really interesting.. because, after all, the most important thing in life, is life.

Teacher: Right.

Jodie: And, now that I won’t see you again, I’ll just have to get out of the habit of talking about it.

Teacher: Well..

Jodie: I’ll miss you!

Teacher: Jodie, uh..

Jodie: I miss you already!

Teacher: Jodie, I really have to get out of here, you know..?

Jodie: Good old life!

Teacher: Yeah..

Jodie: Yeah. Oh, Mr. Davis, before you go out, I also wanted to tell you I thought that was really funny when you stuck that ruler in your ear today.

Teacher: Oh? Thanks a lot.

Jodie: I know a lot of people didn’t laugh. But I think that they don’t understand you like I do. They don’t appreciate your sense of humor, like I do.

Teacher: Oh?

Jodie: Yeah, like, a lot of people can go up, bang, stick a ruler in their ear, who cares, who know? Nobody laughs. You, who I personally know, cares deeply about life, well.. when you stick a ruler in your ear – it’s funny!

Teacher: Jodie, you’ve been a terrific student. [ starts to walk out of his classroom ]

Jodie: Yeah! Listen, I also wanted to tell you that you’re my favorite teacher I’ve ever had, by the way.

Teacher: Well.. that’s very nice of you to say..

Jodie: Yeah! ‘Cause you’re the kind of teacher that acts kind of regular, you know? Doesn’t act real teacherish.

Teacher: Uh-huh..

Jodie: Plus, like, I heard you say “Damn” in the supply closet the other day. But, don’t worry, I won’t tell anybody. When I heard you say “Damn”, I knew that I could be frank with you about lots of stuff.

Teacher: Well, thanks very much..

Jodie: Yeah! Plus, I wrote this poem in the 5th period study hall, when I got sick of signing yearbooks, because I could never get my signature the same way twice. It’s about you. You can tell by the title – it’s called “Mr. Davis”, it’s about you being a Biology teacher and everything.

Teacher: [ reading ] Okay. “Likes frogs, likes snakes, doesn’t like pains, doesn’t like aches.”

Jodie: Oh, well.. I’m really sorry, I mean.. I didn’t know that you didn’t like pains and aches. I mean, for all I know, you’re crazy about pains and aches. I just figured, from knowing you as a person, that you didn’t like them, is that true?

Teacher: Well, yeah.. that’s true. [ reads more ] “Likes bugs, germs, too. And when they die, he goes ‘Boo-hoo’.”

Jodie: Oh! Listen, I really didn’t mean that you said “Boo-hoo” or anything! What I really meant was that you were really sad, but sad didn’t rhyme. Don’t worry, don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.

Teacher: Sad because germs died?

Jodie: Yes!

Teacher: [ reading more ] “Is married, has kids, but for certain people, makes them flip their lids.” “Certain people” here is underlined.

Jodie: Yeah, well.. pretty straight line for no ruler, huh?

Teacher: And it’s got a lot of big red stars around it.

Jodie: Oh, well, you know me. When I get a red felt tip pen in my hand, I just get carried away.

Teacher: A lot of arrows here, too.

Jodie: Yeah, but only five arrows. I wouldn’t call five arrows a lot of arrows.

Teacher: Well, thank you, Jodie.

Jodie: I call ten arrows a lot of arrows! Five arrows is definitely not a lot of arrows!

Teacher: Bye, Jodie. [ kisses her forehead and walks away ]

Jodie: Goodbye, Regis. [ he stops ] Oh. I’m sorry, I just wanted to say that once before we left, you know? Can I write you over the summer?

Teacher: Sure.

Jodie: Yeah, yeah, right! I’ll write you over the summer!

Teacher: Okay.

Jodie: Yeah, it’ll give me a chance to practice my signature!

Teacher: Alright. [ finally exits classroom ]

Jodie: [ alone, thinking ] I think I can get it the same way twice..

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Rovco’s Puberty Helper

… Jodie Foster
Pitchman … Dan Aykroyd

Jodie Foster: [addresses the camera] Hi. I’m JodieFoster and, if you’re like me, you’re going throughthose awkward years between thirteen and eighteen wheneverything seems wrong. Believe me, as cute as I am, Iknow how it feels to hate your body and wish you couldtrade it in for somebody else’s. That’s why I’m gladthat I discovered Puberty Helper. [pull back to revealthat Jodie stands behind a table upon which are acouple of large smiley faces and examples of theproduct, one of which Jodie holds up to the camera] Sowhy not try it — before it’s too late — and you findout how lame you are?

[A pitchman enters and begins his spiel as Jodiecovers herself with the product and then exits: thePuberty Helper is simply a large brown bag with holescut in it for her arms, eyes and mouth — and a hugesmiley face on the front.]

Pitchman: Jodie’s right, guys and gals! What you needat this age is Rovco’s amazing new Puberty Helper.Just one single application is enough to cover a fullfive years of agony. Avoid potentially damagingadolescent trauma. Look neat, feel sharp through whatpsychiatrists term the “insecurity-prone years.”Guaranteed to work or your money back. Now, watchRovco’s Puberty Helper in action.

[Dissolve to Jodie in a school hallway. She removesbooks from a locker and shyly confers with anotherstudent. Both wear the Puberty Helper.]

Jodie Foster: Oh. Hi.

Student: H-hi, yourself.

Jodie Foster: Who do you have for math this year?

Student: Mr. Novak.

Jodie Foster: I have Mr. Kotter.

Student: Oh, I – I didn’t even know he was back. MaybeI’ll switch.

[Dissolve back to the pitchman who holds up theproduct and addresses the camera with a rapid spiel assuperimposed text repeats his words:]

Pitchman: Try Puberty Helper today and avoid theheartbreak of straight hair, curly hair, pimples,blackheads, zits, all kinds of skin eruptions, nerdyclothes your mother made you buy, physicalawkwardness, bra straps showing, safety pins in yourbra straps showing, too pointy elbows, slept on yourrollers, blushing, retainers on your teeth, gum onyour skirt, not having pierced ears when everybodyelse has them, gangliness, the look of embarrassingpads, pins and belts, shirt won’t stay tucked in, whenyou don’t know you have a booger, some stuff you goton you in a cafeteria accident, tucking your skirtinto the waistband of your underwear, frequentnosebleeds, embarrassing bulges in the chest area, noembarrassing bulges in the chest area, needing toshave, not needing to shave, and pregnancy! Yes, it’sthe amazing new Puberty Helper from Rovco. And allthis for just forty-nine ninety-five! That’s right –only forty-nine ninety-five! Write to Puberty Helper,care of Rovco, Box 23, Loss Leader, New Jersey. Yourhormones will be glad you did.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts