Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:

November 27th, 1976

Jodie Foster

Brian Wilson

None

Chevy Chase

Jacqueline Carlin

Dave Wilson

Lorne Michaels

Neil Levy

Alan Zweibel

Anne Beatts

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Tom Schiller

Michael O’Donoghue

Phasing Gilda OutSummary: Gilda Radner announces that she won’t be seen much in tonight’s episode.

Transcript

Montage

Jodie Foster’s MonologueSummary: Jodie Foster explains that the cast and crew haven’t treated her any differently just because she’s SNL’s youngest host thus far.

Transcript

Pilson’s Feedbag DinnersSummary: Chevy Chase endorses the dinners for people who are always on the go.

Transcript

Believe In BeesSummary: Wendy (Jodie Foster) meets Bee Peter Pan (Laraine Newman) and Tinkerbee (John Belushi), but doesn’t take their existence seriously.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Transcript

Brian Wilson performs “Back Home”

Rovco’s Puberty HelperSummary: As a manic pitchman (Dan Aykroyd) promotes the product, Jodie Foster demonstrates how it works to cure teen trauma.

Transcript

Metal DetectorSummary: The metal detector at an airport reveals a traveler’s (Dan Aykroyd) bizarre fetish.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Jane Curtin asks President-Elect Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) a trivia question about Generalissimo Franco over the phone. Fake footage shows Christina and Jackie Onassis mud-wrestling. Jane Curtin reads viewer suggestions on how Morris the Cat can commit suicide.

What Kinda Guy Watches Saturday Night?Summary: Steve Bushakis (John Belushi) reveals that he’s the kinda guy who watches SNL.

Recurring Characters: Steve Bushakis.

Transcript

Brian Wilson performs “Love is a Woman”

Little Known Talents Of The Not Ready For Prime-Time PlayersSummary: Gilda Radner and Laraine Newman demonstrate talents that include an impression of a possessed chicken.

Don Pardo: The First 50 YearsSummary: Don Pardo’s life history is acted out by the cast.

Transcript

Jodie’s TeacherSummary: Jodie Foster hopes to make summer plans with her teacher, Mr. Davis (Dan Aykroyd).

Transcript

Kids’ DreamsSummary: Kids talk about their dreams in a film by Gary Weis.

The King Kong DirgeSummary: Garrett Morris sings a dirge about King Kong.

I’m Not BlackSummary: A husband (Garrett Morris) learns the horrifying truth about his wife (Jane Curtin).

Transcript

Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime TalesSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) tells the story of “The Little Train That Died.”

Recurring Characters: Mr. Mike.

Transcript

Brian Wilson performs “Good Vibrations”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 8

76h: Paul Simon / George Harrison

Paul Simon’s Monologue Worries

…..Paul Simon
…..Chevy Chase
…..Lorne Michaels
…..George Harrison

[ SUPER: “The Voice of Don Pardo LIVE” ]

Announcer: Portions of the following program have been pre-recorded.

[ dissolve to exterior, 30 Rockefeller Plaza ]

[ Paul Simon makes his way through a crowd of people outside, only to discover former “Saturday Night Live” castmember Chevy Chase singing “This Land Is Your Land” on guitar and collecting money in a guitar case ]

Paul Simon: Chevy! Chevy!

Chevy Chase: [ not believing his eyes ] Paul! It’s good to see you!

Paul Simon: How are you?

Chevy Chase: I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine.

Paul Simon: Well, how’s everything going since you left the show?

Chevy Chase: Oh, hey.. dynamite!

Paul Simon: Specials? You’re working on specials?

Chevy Chase: Oh yeah, I’m working on specials even as we talk!

Paul Simon: Movies?

Chevy Chase: Writing the movies..

Paul Simon: Oh, fantastic! So, it was worth it?

Chevy Chase: Yeah! What are you doing?

Paul Simon: I’m gonna do the show tonight.

Chevy Chase: Oh, that’s great!

Paul Simon: I’m the host.

Chevy Chase: You’re a little bit early, you’re a little bit early..

Paul Simon: Well, I might have to get changed into a costume.. for the opening.

Chevy Chase: Oh, that’s funny! Is it good?

Paul Simon: Oh.. to tell you the truth, I have my doubts about the whole concept.. and something they wrote.. I’m gonna talk to Lorne about it anyway.

Chevy Chase: Ahh.. hey! Hey! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Paul Simon: Right, okay.. yeah, great, Chevy. See you a little later.

Chevy Chase: Okay, see you later! [ starts playing “Do You Know The Way To San Jose” ]

[ Paul turns to leave, but then looks back at Chevy ]

Paul Simon: Hey, why don’t you come to the party after the show?

Chevy Chase: Party? I’d love to do that, man. If I’m finished with my work..

Paul Simon: Well, everyone would love to see you. They would love to see you again. Okay, see you later.

Chevy Chase: Beautiful!

[ Paul walks away, as Chevy returns to singing “Do You Know The Way To San Jose”, as someone makes a request for something from Bob Dylan ]

[ cut to Lorne Michaels in the halls of Studio 8H talking with musical guest George Harrison ]

Lorne Michaels: ..I mean, how do you think I feel? I feel terrible about it!

George Harrison: You’re saying that now. I’ve come all this way. It’s $3,000, that was the deal!

Lorne Michaels: I understand. But it was just one of those mix-ups. I mean, it’s..

Paul Simon: [ entering the hall ] Hi, George. Hi, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: We’d better get started, are you about ready?

Paul Simon: Can I just talk to you for a minute? In private?

Lorne Michaels: Sure. [ to George ] Can you just excuse us for a moment, George? [ steps aside with Paul ] What is it?

Paul Simon: Lorne, I have grave doubts about the costume.

Lorne Michaels: What, in the opening?

Paul Simon: Yes, I do.

Lorne Michaels: I think the opening’s working wonderfully. What are you worried about?

Paul Simon: I’m worried about.. I feel that there’s a really good chance that I could look like a fool, that’s what I’m worried about.

Lorne Michaels: Not a chance. Really. You just have to confidence when you go up there. Believe me, it’ll work.

Paul Simon: I hope you’re right..

Lorne Michaels: You believe me?

Paul Simon: I don’t believe you, but I hope you’re right.

Lorne Michaels: It’ll be great, you’d better change.

Paul Simon: I hope you are right, Lorne.. [ exits hall ]

George Harrison: Fine, I’ll tell you one thing, you ought to get in straigt in the future, you know..?

Lorne Michaels: If you don’t go on tonight, it’ll break his heart. You see, I thought that you would understand, you know, that it was $3,000 for four people, that it would just be $750 for each of you. I mean, as far as I’m concerned, I mean, you could have the full $3,000. But the network..

George Harrison: It’s pretty chincy..

Lorne Michaels: Well, I’ll tell you what. I know there’s $250 available for the opening, for the person who says “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”.

George Harrison: [ smiles excitedly, and turns to the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 8

76h: Paul Simon / George Harrison

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman
…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [ fidgeting with birth control pills, swallows one, then notices camera on her ] Good evening! Our top story tonight..

A long-term study of contraception has resulted in a highly favorable evaluation of the diaphragm.. as opposed to the oral contraceptive.. pill.. which has had controversies over its side effects. The major complaint about the diaphragm, compared to the pill, is that the diaphragm is much harder to swallow.

A report released this week by Carter campaign treasurer Rober Lipscwitz, states that Jimmy Carter spent nearly $35 million to win the presidency. The President-Elect is shown here begging on the streets of Plains for money to make up his deficit.

Actor Harry Reams, the largest member of the cast of Deep Throat, attended a star-studded party to raise money for his legal defense funds. It was there that he unveiled a new Harry Reams cocktail, which, although it contains no beer, still has a head.

Jane Curtin: It’s my job, Mom, I’m sorry.. Now this filmed report from correspondent Laraine Newman.

[ cut to Laraine in a Long Island deli ]

Laraine Newman: This is Laraine Newman, reporting from Sleepy Miniola, Long Island, where last week it was revealed that long-time resident, Bolosov Maikoskis, allegedly was a Nazi war criminal who entered this country illegally. But, Miniolans tell me they accept Maikoskis as a peaceful citizen who payes his taxes, keeps up his lawn, and works afternoons with the town’s state high school champion soccer team. They see no reason to deport Maikoskis, nor any of the other Nazis who came here after World War II. For local residents, Nazis are like any other minority group who fled to this country to escape persecution. Only in America, Jane, the melting pot of the world. Laraine Newman, Miniola, Long Island.

This just in: Utah murderer Gary Gilmore, who has requested a speedy carrying out of his death sentence, has just won the Utah State Lottery, the first prize, which is $50,000 a year for life. Utah lottery officials said they couldn’t be happier.

There was a near-tragedy this week, when popular TV personality Morris the Cat attempted suicide. Despondent over the death of close friend, Smokey the Bear, Morris, in an act of sympathy, chose to call it quits himself, leaving behind a note which read, simply, “Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow..” Because Morris had nine lives, he tried to end them all by hanging himself, slitting his wrist, sticking his head in the oven, mixing alcohol with sleeping pills, throwing himself in front of a train, bringing a radio in the bathtub with him, shooting himself, and sitting in a car with the motor running in his garage. Morris, now resting comfortably at the hospital, depressed that he could only think of eight ways to kill himself. “Update” viewers who have ideas for a ninth way to kill Morris are urged to send them to: [ SUPER ] “Kill Morris, c/o Weekend Update, NBC, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, NY 10020.” The decision of Morris is final.

And, in still another celebration, today marks the first anniversary of the so-called death of Generalissimo Francisco Franco. He, too, has been receiving gifts from all over the world, including dead flowers from Argentina, a Candygram from Mao-Tse Tung, and recently acquired Dawn, Doc, Mr. T and Tina, as well as a homesick Barbara Walters from the National Broadcasting Company.

Federal health officials report that a new strain of gonorrhea, which kills the penicillin used to treat it, has turned up in eleven states. Coincendentally, they are the same states visited last Spring by Uganda’s dictator Idi Amin. Reached for comment by our Update correspondent, Amin said, “It just goes to prove that I can spread my philosophy in your country.”

Jane Curtin: Here to comment further on this, is Update Science Editor Dr. Garrett Morris. Dr. Morris, tell us about this new strain, and why has it gotten out of hand.

Garrett Morris: [ with microscope and eyeglasses ] Well, uh, Jane.. what makes this strain so unusual is that it kills penicillin which is used to kill gonorrhea.. and this gonorrhea is a tricky one. Let me show you.. uh.. [ puts slide on microscope ] Now, this here is penicillin.. let’s just focus in.. [ view on slide shows cartoon of Indians being recruited for war, and battling ] Now, you see? Now, we’ve fortified this penicillin the best way we knew how. But no matter what we do, the results are always the same. Different approach, new strategies – nothing seems to work against this gonorrhea. Because in the long run, the penicillin is still a loser.

Jane Curtin: Very frightening, Doctor.

Garrett Morris: Yes.

Jane Curtin: Let me ask you something, Doctor.. I’m curious just where did you get this particular sample from?

Garrett Morris: Loretta.

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Dr. Garrett Morris.

Portions of a radioactive cloud, caused by this week’s nuclear test in China, are expected to reach New York City tomorrow morning. Remains of this giant mushroom cloud filled with significant amounts of radioactive fallout, may hover over the city for as much as twenty-four hours. In a related story, the weather forecast for New York’s metropolitan area calls for brighter skies, a lower pollen count, and the best air quality that this area has experienced for quite some time.

Jane Curtin: Good night, enjoy the weather, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 8

76h: Paul Simon / George Harrison

The Twilite Zone

Rod Serling…..Dan Aykroyd
Starlet #1……Jane Curtin
Starlet #2……Laraine Newman
Starlet #3……Gilda Radner
Room Service…..Garrett Morris

Rod Serling: You’re traveling to another dimension. A dimension of time and space. A dimension of sight and mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance. You’ve just crossed over into.. “The Twilite Zone”.

[ fade into motel room, Starlet #1 unpacking ]

Meet Peggy Martin. Age 27. A struggling actress working as a model. Told to meet a certain producer by her agent. Peggy has just checked into Room 16 of the Blaine Motel. A motel where there are no check-out times, no room service, and, for some reason, no sinks. She’s just gotten a room reserved for guests of “The Twilite Zone”.

[ pan to Rod narrating, smiles wickedly as the image slow-fades to the doorknob turning ]

Starlet #2: [ enters room, startling Starlet #1 ] I’m terribly sorry!

Starlet #1: My goodness! You frightened me!

Starlet #2: I’m.. I’m supposed to meet someone here. This is Room 16, isn’t it?

Starlet #1: Yes.

Rod Serling: Meet Sylvia Townsend. Age 26. A struggling actress working nights as a cocktail waitress at the Alpatrino, a seedy establishment patronized by down-and-out theatrical agents. Sylvia, too, has just checked into “The Twilite Zone”.

Starlet #1: [ sighing ] You frightened me at first. They must have made a mistake at the desk. Here.. you sit, and I’ll go call.

Starlet #2: This really is unusual. A customer of mine said he was a producer, and he had me meet him up here in this room for an audition.

Starlet #1: [ checking phone ] The line is dead.

[ doorknob turns again, as Starlet #3 enters ]

Starlet #3: Oh! Is this Room 16?

Starlet #1 & #2: [ frightened ] Yes!!

Starlet #3: No wonder it was only $7 a night – you have to share.

Rod Serling: Meet Rhonda Friedman. Age 26. A struggling actress currently working in a factory testing rubber gloves for imperfections. What Rhonda doesn’t know, is that she, too, has just entered “The Twilite Zone”.

Starlet #1: I guess there must be something wrong with the manager of this place, sending all three of us young actresses to the same room.

[ a knock at the door ]

All: [ trembling ] What is it?!

Room Service: Rooooom Service!

Starlet #3: Room Service? [ opens door ]

Room Service: Uh-huh. Champagne.

Starlet #3: Champagne?

Room Service: Yes.

Starlet #3: [ reads the note ] It’s from a.. Mr. Serling..?

[ show Rod Serling doffing his hat to the camera ]

Starlet #1: That’s funny.. I didn’t know this motel had Room Service..

[ Room Service exits ]

Starlet #2: Wait.. there’s more.. [ reading ] “Compliments of.. ‘The Twilite Zone'”..

[ the Starlets scream as the hear the door being locked behind them ]

Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval: three pretty girls, all of them actresses, locked in a motel room, each possessing similar charms and talents. Victims of a bizarre joke, perhaps. Or perhaps this: a man creates a television show. He goes to a lot of parties. He meets a lot of pretty actresses. He wakes up in the morning, perhaps he’s had a little too much to drink. He doesn’t remember the promises he made the night before. Although he’s a brilliant writer and creator, he’s also human, and he has his needs. That’s why he arranged this meeting, and, in a few moments, will cross forever into “The Twilite Zone”.

[ Serling enters motel room set, pours champagne for the Starlets ]

[ dissolve to wide shot of audience, zoom into man with SUPER: “Thought This Was A Peer Group” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 8

76h: Paul Simon / George Harrison

Quarry

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Farmwife…..Jane Curtin

Jingle: “This world’s a-changing faster than a teardrop turns to laughter
But some things never change, and they’re the things that really matter.
Like weather vanes and country lanes, where crickets chirp at night
And breakfast in the early morning starts your day off right.”

[ cut to interior farmhouse kitchen table, breakfast time ]

Farmwife: Out here on the farm, breakfast is our most important meal. That’s why we start each day the natural way. With a big brimming bowl.. of Quarry. [ shows product ]

[ family members pour the rocks from the box into their bowls ]

Farmwife: Quarry contains no preservatives, no additives, no artificial flavoring. And it’s made without the use of pesticides or inorganic fertilizer. Because Quarry isn’t grown; it’s mined. It’s the only cereal that’s pure 100% rocks and pebbles, for a hearty old-fashioned flavor the whole family will enjoy.

[ flash cuts of family “chewing” on the rocks in their bowls ]

Son: Great, Mom!

Farmer: This is really good.

Daughter: Delicious!

Farmwife: And it’s good for them. Because every serving is chockful of minerals.

Daughter: I like Quarry ’cause it’s crunchy.

Farmwife: What?

Daughter: [ louder ] I said, I like Quarry ’cause it’s crunchy!

Farmwife: So, if breakfast is important to you, try Quarry.

Jingle: “Like swimmin’ holes and brimmin’ bowls
of cereal made from stone.

Announcer: Quarry. Better tasting ’cause it’s mined.

[ dissolve to audience overhead shot, zoom in one woman with SUPER: “Confused Garfunkel Groupie” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 8

76h: Paul Simon / George Harrison

Next Week

…Garrett Morris

[open on Garrett Morris standing on home base]

Garrett Morris: Next week on Saturday Night, our host will be Jodie Foster, and her special guest will be the prince of white music, Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys. Aaaaaay!

[applause and fade]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 8

76h: Paul Simon / George Harrison

Paul Simon’s Monologue

…..Paul Simon
…..Lorne Michaels

[ Paul Simon walks out to home base dressed as a giant turkey. He pauses, then takes the microphone from the stool and starts singing “Still Crazy After All These Years”. After a few bars, he stops and addresses the bandleader. ]

Paul Simon: Cut it. Forget it. Forget it, Richard. [ turns to the audience ] You know, I said, when the turkey concept was first brought up, I said there’s a very good chance I’m gonna end up looking stupid if I come out wearing it. I mean, everyone said, “Oh, it’s Thanksgiving, go ahead.”

You know, I felt it was not in any way in keeping with my image, the lyrics, “The Boxer”, any of these songs. They said, “Hey, you know, you take yourself soooo seriously. Why don’t you stop taking yourself soooo seriously for a while and loosen up a little bit, and maybe people will laugh. You want to be Mr. Alienation, you can be Mr. Alienation.” Well, I didn’t want to be Mr. Alienation. I want to be a regular guy, but I feel this has just been a disaster. I’m sorry. I’m just gonna go and change.

[ Paul leaves the stage and walks out of the studio, toward his dressing room. Lorne Michaels waits in the corridor, clapping. ]

Lorne Michaels: Wonderful!

Paul Simon: You call that wonderful?

Lorne Michaels: What? You had a problem?

Paul Simon: That was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life!

Lorne Michaels: What? The band came in late?

Paul Simon: [ upset ] The band was fine! It’s not the band!

Lorne Michaels: I don’t understand what the problem is.

Paul Simon: The problem is, I’m singing “Still Crazy” in a turkey outfit. Well, would you like to sing in a turkey outfit?

Lorne Michaels: I thought it worked great!

Paul Simon: Yeah? What do I look like, Jan Michael Vincent, here? You think I’m looking good?

Lorne Michaels: You look great! Honestly! Why don’t you just go change.

Paul Simon: Yeah, let’s just do that. Let’s just say it was a difference of opinion.

Lorne Michaels: Okay, maybe it was a difference of opinion, but I think it worked great. [ Paul tries to exit to the hallway, as Lorne faces the camera ] We’ll be right back after this following message.

Paul Simon: [ stuck in door frame ] I can’t fit through the door!

Lorne Michaels: [ rolling his eyes ] Alright, I’m coming.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 8

76h: Paul Simon / George Harrison

Goodnights

…Paul Simon

[open on Paul Simon standing on home base]

Paul Simon: Goodnight to everyone, a Happy Thanksgiving, and myspecial apologies to Michael O’Donoghue, he knows why.

[applause; the cast comes up to home base and surrounds Paul. JohnBelushi is dressed as a hippie and is carrying a guitar, and DanAykroyd is carrying an ax.]

Goodnight!

Don Pardo: Next Saturday Night, our host will be Jodie Foster, with a special appearance by Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. You know, I’m an old beach boy myself. When the surf was up, so was I, but that’s another story, and so am I. This is Don Pardo hanging ten and saying, “Goodnight!” Wheeee!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 8

76h: Paul Simon / George Harrison

The Story of Billy Paul

Billy Paul…..Paul Simon
Ice Cream Man…..Dan Aykroyd
Sherry…..Laraine Newman
Indian Girl…..Gilda Radner
Black Guy…..Garrett Morris
Bernard…..John Belushi

[ open on Billy Paul trotting along on the back of a mechanical amusement horse, with fake slide of the Rockies behind him ]

Announcer: Not much is known about Billy. Some say he spent his childhood in the Canadian Rockies. Others said he spent his early years in the Bayou country. Nobody knows for sure. I believe he grew up in New York, near Queens. At 137-62 70th Road, near Main St. and Jewel Ave. You take a “D” Train to Continental Ave., then you take the Q-14 to Main St. Not much else was known about him. He just rode into town one day, and said..

Billy Paul: I’m here to help Indians, wild horses, and runaway kids of all races and religions. Got any gum?

[ slide changes to country pasture ]

Announcer: They called him “Renegade”.

Billy Paul: “Renegade”? Yeah.. I am a renegade.

[ slide changes to more mountains ]

Announcer: There were certain things that were known for sure: he was a Vietnam vet and a black belt in karate.

Billy Paul: That’s right. I am.

Announcer: They said he was a half-breed.

Billy Paul: That’s right. I was.

[ slide changes to country pastures ]

Announcer: He lived on an Indian reservation with an old Indian medicine man that taught him secrets of the world of snakes.

Billy Paul: I do spend most of my time on my reservation, although sometimes I stay at the Howard Johnson – free coffee in the room, with Cremora!

[ slide changes to rocky crest ]

Announcer: But one thing everyone knew: he was the deadliest man with his hands and feet that these parts had ever known.

Billy Paul: I am pretty deadly.

[ slide changes to mesa background ]

Announcer: His name was Billy Paul. Not the Billy Paul that recorded “Me And Mrs. Jones”. A lot of people get them confused. He was another Billy Paul. And this is his story.

[ dissolve to interior, Ice Cream Shoppe ]

Sherry: Hi, I’ll have a double scoop of Oregan Blackberry.

Indian Girl: I’ll have a Jamocha Almond Fudge.

Ice Cream Man: [ as he hands Sherry her cone ] We don’t have any cones left.

Indian Girl: [ looking at a stack of cones on the counter ] What are those?

Ice Cream Man: They’re not for you, featherhead.

Sherry: You are so low! [ calms herself down ] Okay.. okay.. let’s just not get heavy here. [ puts arm around Indian Girl, her ice cream cone near her face ] Now, let’s just remember what we teach at the school, man. Like, this guy is putting out hostile vibes to you, okay? But, like, if you let those hostile vibes, like, get to you, you know? Then, you get aggressive, and you’re no better than he is, man. Like, what you have to do is reach really, really deep inside yourself, man, and, like, pull out all the sunshine and light that I know that’s inside you.. like, I know that’s in there, you’re so beautiful. [ Indian Girl lowers mouth to come within reach of ice cream cone ] And, like, give that positive energy to him, and it will overcome his bad karma.

Ice Cream Man: Give me a break!

Sherry: Oh, look, don’t listen to him.. just think of everything that’s good within you, and give it to him. Like, think creatively, express yourself to anything, man.

Indian Girl: Oh, I know! I’ll sing him a song!

Sherry: Beautiful! That’s a beautiful idea.

Indian Girl: [ stands, sings like chalk scraping a board ]
“You’re not a dream
You’re not an angel, nor a man.
I’m not a queen
I’m a woman, take my hand.
Make a space in the light that we plant.
And here we’ll stay
Until it’s time for you to go-o-o-o-o..!”

[ Ice Cream Man has smashed all the cones to dust ]

Sherry: Beautiful!

Indian Girl: [ to Ice Cream Man ] Can I have a cone now?

Ice Cream Man: No!

Bernard: [ ambles in ] What seems to be the trouble, Luke?

Ice Cream Man: Oh, hi, Bernard, uh.. this is my store, isn’t it?

Bernard: It sure is.

Ice Cream Man: Well, that means I don’t have to serve anybody I don’t want to, right?

Bernard: That’s right.

Ice Cream Man: Well, I want to serve whites.

Bernard: [ thinking ] Hey, Luke.. where’s the flour you keep around to degrade all members of the non-white race?

Ice Cream Man: Over there in the corner.

Bernard: Oh, yeah.. yeah.. [ scoops up some flour and dumps it over the Indians and Black Guy ] There you go! Now you can serve them – they’re all white!

Black Guy: [ angry ] You wouldn’t do this if Billy Paul were here!

Bernard: [ mimicking ] “You wouldn’t do this if Billy Paul were here!” Well, where’s Billy Paul now, huh?

Black Guy: He’s undergoing a sacred Indian ritual in which he gets bitten on the ankles repeatedly by a poisonous rattlesnake, and then he has to dance, and then he gets bitten repeatedly by some more rattlesnakes, then he has to dance some more!

Bernard: What’s the pioint of the ceremony?

Black Guy: So the Great Spirit can see how good a dancer he is!

[ Billy Paul throws open the door, but it slams back in his face. He reopens the door, and enters ]

Billy Paul: I’m here to help Indians and wild horses and runaway kids of all races and religions.

Bernard: Don’t you touch me, Billy Paul! I’ll call my Father! If you touch me, you’re a dead man, Billy Paul!

Billy Paul: [ disgusted at the sight of the flour-covered non-white kids ] Oh, my God, Bernard! Look what you’ve done! [ removes his hat and thinks ] You know.. Jeanie and the kids at school, they all tell me to try and control my temper. You tell me to try, and you know I’m gonna.. But I try, Bernard, honest to God.. I try. When I look at this girl.. [ puts hand on Indian Girl’s shoulder ] ..this beautful flower.. this innocent child.. [ grabs her face and twists her back and forth, knocking her to the ground ] ..and when I think that she will carry with her, the memory of this humiliation, every single day of her life, I just go berserk! [ punches Bernard right through the plate-glass window ]

Ice Cream Man: [ nervous ] Uh.. hey, uh, Billy Paul.. how would you like a couple scoops of Rocky Road? [ Billy Paul kicks a table ] Or.. maybe some Banana Fudge.. or some, uh.. Almond Mocha?

Billy Paul: I want.. a triple cone. Strawberry, Chocolate, and Vanilla. That’s red, black and white, together. [ is handed his triple-scooper, standing proud ]

Sherry: If only the world could get along as this ice cream cone.. Billy Paul wouldn’t have to kill so many people.

[ Music Over: “One Tin Soldier”, Coven ]

[ Billy Paul holds his triple-scooper up high, as does everyone else around him, and he triumphantly walks away, off the set, and into the audience ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up: Wonder Woman Meets Wonder Bread” ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


November 20th, 1976

Paul Simon

George Harrison

None

Chevy Chase

Lorne Michaels

Neil Levy

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Rosie Shuster

Paul Simon’s Monologue WorriesSummary: Paul Simon arrives at 30 Rockefeller Plaza before the show feeling worried about performing his monologue, and says so to hanger-on Chevy Chase, who’s playing guitar outside the lobby. Upstairs, Lorne Michaels haggles with George Harrison, who thinks he should get his fourth of the money offered to The Beatles for agreeing to be tonight’s musical guest.

Transcript

Montage

Paul Simon’s MonologueSummary: Paul Simon feels ridiculous for agreeing to sing “Still Crazy After All These Years” while wearing a turkey costume.

First Hosted: 75b.

Transcript

QuarrySummary: The all-rock cereal that’s chock full of minerals.

Transcript

Paul Simon performs “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover”

Baba Wawa At LargeSummary: Henry Kissinger (John Belushi) discusses his career with Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Henry Kissinger.

The Twilite ZoneSummary: Rod Serling (Dan Aykroyd) traps three would-be Hollywood starlets in a motel room.

Recurring Characters: Rod Serling.

Transcript

Next WeekSummary: Garrett Morris announces next week’s show.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Laraine Newman reports on Nazi war criminals while eating at a diner. Jane Curtin invites viewers to suggest a way for Morris the Cat to commit suicide. Dr. Garrett Morris announces that he has discovered a new strain of gonorrhea.

Transcript

Paul Simon and George Harrison perform “Here Comes The Sun”Bio: George Harrison (19-2001). Singer-songwriter; as former ?? of The Beatles, wrote and performed hits including “Here Comes the Sun”, “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”, “Something”; later member of The Traveling Wilburys; stabbed in his home.

Paul Simon and George Harrison perform “Homeward Bound”

“Crackerbox Palace”Summary: Music video features George Harrison and Neil Innes.

The Story of Billy PaulSummary: Billy Paul (Paul Simon) defends civil rights at ice cream parlor.

Recurring Characters: Sherry.

Transcript

Paul Simon performs “Something So Right”

TomorrowSummary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) discovers that he has confused Paul Simon for a truck driver with the same name.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

“This Song”

Paul Simon performs “Bridge Over Troubled Water”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts