Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

How Things Work

…..Jane Curtin
Merle Tadburney…..Dick Cavett

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Jane Curtin seated on talk show set ]

Jane Curtin: Good evening, and welcome to “How Things Work”, the show designed to help people understand just how our society functions. Our guest today is Mr. Merle Tadburney, independent co-ordinator of pressure group activity. Mr. Tadburney, could you explain how pressure groups work?

Merle Tadburney: Well,uh, why don’t you tell your audience just exactly how I got on your show tonight?

Jane Curtin: Well, uhhh — we received THOUSANDS of letters from all over the country, requesting that we do a show on how things work and pressure groups, uh, and most of the letters singled you out as the foremost authority on the subject.

Merle Tadburney: That’s right, and they were all bogus letters sent out by my organization, just to get me on your show tonight.

Jane Curtin: You mean, there is no one out there who is really interested in pressure groups?

Merle Tadburney: Well, I couldn’t be sure of that. I, personally, have never met anyone who was interested in pressure groups or how they work. I can’t imagine!

Jane Curtin: Well, I certainly am impressed, and our producer fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Merle Tadburney: Well, thank you. You see, we’ve worked long and hard to develop an effective phony letter campaign that works every time, and we’re proud of it.

Jane Curtin: Well, what organizations do you represent?

Merle Tadburney: Well, I work for a lot of, uh, ethnic groups, such as the, uh — well, there’s one called the Italians for Affirmative Action. They’re upset every time s a stereotype of an Italian as a member of the Mafia is used in the media. And so we educate people by pointing out several successful Italian-Americans who have no connection with the Mafia at all — like Frank Sinatra.

Jane Curtin: Oh, I see. Are they also concerned about demeaning jokes?

Merle Tadburney: Nnnno. They have quite a good sense of humor, but there — there is one group that is rather sensitive about that sort of thing, being the brunt of ethnic jokes, you might say.

Jane Curtin: Are you referring to a certain Eastern-European group? [ she laughs ]

Merle Tadburney: Yes, that’s right. I think everyone knows that I’m referring to the, um, Serbio-Croatians. If a Serbio-Croatian joke appears on television, we make sure the networks know that millions of viewers are outraged, and most of them Serbo-Cros.

Jane Curtin: Well, for those of you who may not know what a Serbio-Croatian joke is, maybe you could possibly explain, uhh..?

Merle Tadburney: Well, that would be sort of acting across purposes, wouldn’t it? Because I would be acting against the behalf of one of my clients, you might say. But I can tell you one little joke. Uh — Why do a certain kind of people make bad druggists?

Jane Curtin: [ mirthful ] I don’t know! Why?

Merle Tadburney: Well, because, when they make up prescriptions, they keep breaking the little bottles in the typewriter!

Jane Curtin: [ laughing cheerfully ] Well, I think we’ve just about run out of time, but I want to thank you, Merle, for being on “How Things Work”.

Merle Tadburney: Well, uh, it’s nice to be here, and. when you look at your ratings, I think you’ll get a little surprise! [ he chuckles ]

Jane Curtin: [ she laughs with him ] Tune in next week, when Sen. Bob Dole explains how TV debating works. And, now, here’s this week’s film by Gary Weis.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman

[ open on Jane Curtin seated behind desk, reading Ms. Magazine ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin.

[ Jane flips around to the front of the magazine, whose cover reads:
“How’s Your Sex Life?
Better •
Worse •
I Forget •”

[ Jane pushes her pencil all the way through the magazine, then looks up to notice the camera on her ]

Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight: The Post Office announced today, that in honor of the Bicentennial, it is going to re-issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter.

Following the final election returns last week, Gerald Ford made a privste telephone call to Richard Nixon in San Clemente. Our sources report that the ex- and soon-to-be ex-President discussed plans for running together in 1980, but couldn’t decide what country to do it in.

Now that the elections are over, people are obviously excited about the impending change in administrations. But not without caution, however. Students are show here, parading through the streets of Washington with the head of Jerry Ford, who they decapitated as a warning to Jimmy Carter that he’d better watch himself.

Many Republicans are blaming Sen. Robert Dole for the loss of the Presidential election. Dole denies that he was a minus instead of a plus on this year’s ticket, by saying that if it had been Carter-Mondale against Ford, many voters would have criticized the president for not having a running mate.

Well, the largest priest in the world turned ventriloquist this week. A highlight of his act will be drinking a glass of wine and singing “I gotta Be Me” at the same time.

Actress Sally Field is making a comeback, in a 4-hour drama, “Sybil”, to be televised on NBC. Adapted from the book, “Sybil” is the story of a woman who took refuge in sixteen different personalities. Sally welcomes the challenge of this role, and feels she is confident to pull it off. As she recently told this reporter: “Thank you, it’s nice to be here.” “Should I check your oil, Ma’am?” “And now it’s time to play Double Jeopardy!” “We’ll call the baby… Jesus.” “Je m’appel Henri.” “Franklin, stop playing with that and come to bed!” “Good Yante, Rabbi!” “I do.” “Who was that masked man?” “I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.” “Come on, Sandy, we gotta find Daddy Warbucks!” “$20 for me, $10 for the hotel.” “Every boy wants a Hasbro toy!” “Hey, Abbotttt!!” “I am not a crook!” “Lassie, it’s me, Timmy!” “And, as God as my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.”

[ over Obituary headline ] Members of the Plains Baptist Church, which — [ she looks up to see which camera is facing her ] Hello!

Members of the Plains Baptist Church — [ the camera switches angles again ] Hello!

Members of the Plains Baptist Church, which Jimmy Carter has attended all his life, will meet tomorrow morning to decide whether or not to admit Blacks to the congregation. Village residents are optimistic about the decision, as the church baptismal basin is being stocked this week with alligators shipped in from the Florida Everglades. [ she glances off-screen ] We could try that again on that camera, and see if…

[ the camera switches once again to the Obituary headline ]

Ohhh, hello!

In a tragic note this week, it was discovered that the death of Smokey the Bear was actually a suicide. The veteran firefighter was despondent over his failing health, a condition doctors described as chronic insomnia. Smokey hadn’t slept for the past three winters, leaving him restless, confused, and quite incoherent, as indicated in his suicide note, which went: “Remember, only you can prevent Forrest Tucker.”

For more on this story, we take you now to Lincoln National Forest in New Mexico, with correspondent Laraine Newman.

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing in front of a forest background ]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing here in New Mexico, at the site of the funeral for Smokey the Bear. it was a touching service, attended by close friends as well as celebrities, including Bambi, Thumper, Peter Cottontail, Redd Foxx, Max Baer, and Beaver Cleaver. You know, oddly enough, Jane, Smokey’s last request was to be cremated. He wanted it that way. Smokey was always worried about ecology, and figured that his remains should not take up precious land space with a burial.

[ behind Laraine, a superimposed fire begind to blaze brightly ]

so, a simple cremation it is, Jane. This beloved civil servant is now gone, but definitely not forgotten. And so, Smokey the Bear, who spent his life prowling and a-growling and sniffing the air, he could smell a fire before it starts to flame. That’s the way they called him. Smokey. That’s how he got his name. Back to you, Jane.

[ return to Jane at the news desk ]

Jane Curtin: And with Smokey’s death, so ends the 26-year moratorium on forest fires.

A post-script to this story: Weekend Update has just learned that Smokey’s job as fire prevention symbol will be taken over by NBC’s own Gene Shalit.

Still to come: General William Westmoreland on his way to a Utah firing squad, after this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for “Marines” ]

[ dissolve back to Jane at the news desk ]

Jane Curtin: Our final story is the kind of story we like to see in this day and age, when all you hear about New Yorkers is that they just don’t want to get involved. Well, Vietnam vet Tony Hernandez was walking home to his South Bronx apartment last night, when he heard the screams of 23-year old Vicky Hamill, who was being raped at knifepoint by a 300-pound assailant. Well, Hernandez interceded; the assailant knifed him to death, and continued with Miss Hamill. You just don’t hear stories like that any more.

Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

Mobile Shrink

Dr. Robert Liebman…..Chevy Chase
Female Patient…..Ann Risley
Cashier…..Laraine Newman
Construction Worker…..John Belushi

[ open on NBC promo jingle ]

Jingle: This Faaaaalll… NBC sends you All The Best!

[ iris into Mobile Shrink’s office, as a Female patient lies on his couch ]

Female Patient: — And, if I don’t call you, how am I gonna speak to you? Well, listen, I just don’t have any idea of why you want to speak to me.

Announcer: This Fall, NBC presents an exciting new medical drama. Dr. Robert Liebman, a new breed of analysts, gives up his comfortable office practice to fight depression, neuroses, and feelings of inadequacy, no matter where or when they strike.

[ Dr. Liebman casually exits his office in mid-analysis ]

[ dissolve to Dr. Liebman’s car pulling up to a mailman on the street ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] “Chevy Chase is… “Mobile Shrink”.

[ Dr. Liebman follows the mailman along his route, taking down notes in a notepad ]

Dr. Robert Liebman: Sorry I’m a little bit late this afternoon. How are you feeling today?

Mailman: Fine.

Dr. Robert Liebman: That’s good, I’m glad to hear it.

Announcer: With a beeper, compassion, and a notepad, he goes out into the streets to those who need help most — the over 5.3 million Americans who don’t seek proper mental health care.

[ dissolve to Dr. Liebman taking notes as he examines a Cashier working at the supermarket ]

Dr. Robert Liebman: — something bothering you today. You seem upset.

Cashier: Yeah, well, uh — I had that same nightmare dream, you know the one about that squishy snake?

Dr. Robert Liebman: Oh, yeah.

Cashier: [ to her customer ] Fifty-nine cents.

Announcer: “Mobile Shrink”. Boldly exploring the subconcious, breaking down defense mechanisms, restructuring anxieties, and reintegrating the behaviorial characteristics of the individual.

Cashier: [ picks up an avocado ] How much are the avocadoes?

[ dissolve to Dr. Liebman analyzing Tony as he flips dough at a pizzeria ]

Dr. Robert Liebman: Tony, it’s a simple Rorschach test. Tell me what you see on the card, whatever comes to your mind. [ he holds up a card ]

Tony: I see a rabbit.

Announcer: “Mobile Shrink”. Combining the wisdom of Freud, the clarity of Jung, and the human insight of Dr. Joyce Brothers.

[ Dr. Liebman holds up another card ]

Tony: Uh, let’s see — a bat.

Dr. Robert Liebman: What about the last one here? [ he holds up another card ]

[ Tony flips the dough into the air, and it lands on the card ]

[ dissolve to Dr. Liebman climbing down a mound of dirt to a construction worker with a jackhammer ]

Announcer: “Mobile Shrink”. He went outside… to help people go inside — inside themselves. Deeper than they’ve ever been before. Down into the depths of the psyche. Uprooting the basic fears that block their happiness.

Dr. Robert Liebman: Let’s get back to the separation of you and your parents! How old were you at the time?

Construction Worker: Uh — 27!

Dr. Robert Liebman: [ frowning ] What!

Construction Worker: 27!

Dr. Robert Liebman: How old were you?!

Construction Worker: When?!

Dr. Robert Liebman: When your parents separated! How old were you?!

Construction Worker: I was 4!

Dr. Robert Liebman: Okay! [ he makes a note in his notepad ] How do you feel? Any anxiety, any what?

Construction Worker: Anxious!

Dr. Robert Liebman: Anger?

Construction Worker: Anxious!

Dr. Robert Liebman: Let it out!

Construction Worker: ANXIOUS!!

Announcer: “Mobile Shrink”. Coming to NBC this Fall.

Jingle: All the best, from NBC!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

Puppy Uppers/Doggie Downers

Joy…..Gilda Radner
Jill…..Laraine Newman

[ Jill is visiting Joy, whose dog is lying like a lox on the living room floor. Joy throws a ball at the dog, but he just stares at it as it rolls by. ]

Joy: Gee, Sparky’s been acting dull and listless lately. I just don’t know what’s wrong with him.

Jill: My dog Skippy used to be like that.. until I found out about.. [ reaches for box and pulls out a puppy upper ] ..Puppy Uppers. Puppy Uppers pep up your pooch, plus, they help control his weight.

[ Joy feeds Puppy Upper to Sparky ]

[ ripple dissolve to Sparky rolling over, doing back flips, leaping about, and acting speedy ]

[ SUPER: “Later That Day” ]

[ close-up of Sparky jumping up on Joy ]

Joy: Maybe it’s me, Jill, but I’d say Sparky’s perked up a little too much.

Jill: No argument there, Joy. When my Skippy gets too frisky, what I do is give him these.. Doggie Downers.

[ Jill holds up a box of Doggie Downers, then hands it to Joy, who is still being bothered by the frisky Sparky ]

Joy: [ reading label ] Doggie Downers.. mellows out your mutt. Hmm.. I’ll try them. [ feeds Sparky a Doggie Downer; he collapses ]

[ SUPER: “Later That Day” ]

[ ripple dissolve to Sparky lying like a lox on the living room floor, box of Doggie Downers in the shot ]

Jill: That’s Puppy uppers for when your dog’s like this. And.. [cut to replay of shot with Sparky jumping on Joy, box of Puppy Uppers in the shot ] ..Doggie Downers, for when your dog’s like this. From Hound-Doze.

[ dissolve to woman in audience, with SUPER: “Deodorant Not Working” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

Least-Loved Bedtime Tales: The Blind Chicken

Mr. Mike … Michael O’Donoghue

[ Music: gentle solo piano, in background throughout sketch. The evil Mr. Mike — a thin, bearded man in dark suit and glasses — sits facing the camera in front of a gray wall. Weird, shadowy lighting. A superimposed text reads: “Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tales.” Text fades out and camera slowly moves forward to a close-up as Mr. Mike addresses the audience. ]

Mr. Mike: Good evening, I’m Michael O’Donoghue — or “Mr. Mike,” as my friends like to call me — and tonight’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tale is entitled “The Blind Chicken.”

[ as if reading a story to children ] There once lived, on the edge of an alligator-infested lagoon, a blind chicken. He was very happy. Or about as happy as you can be if you’re a blind chicken.

One day there is a knock on the door of his coop. Knock-knock-knock. “Who is it?” asked the chicken. [ insincere voice ] “I’m a, uh, uh– Oh, what do you call those things? They’re yellow and they have the, uh, webbed feet, um– [ snaps his fingers, trying to remember ] You know what I’m talkin’ about. They’re always splashin’ around in the water and they go ‘quack’ or somethin’?”

“A duck?” suggested the chicken.

[ insincere voice ] “Uh, yeah, that’s it,” the voice answered. “I’m a duck.”

“Oh, come right in, Mr. Duck,” said the chicken, unlocking the door. “You know, for a second there, I was afraid you might be one of those alligators that infest the– GLOCK! EEARGH! URK! URK!” [ head shakes violently, as if being torn off by alligator ]

[ calmly, after a slight pause ] And the alligator ate the chicken.

Ahhhh, that’s about it, except, uh, three, four months later, the alligator was sunning himself on the highway and he was run over by a bus. A, um, big Greyhound Scenicruiser®. No, wait, I’m sorry. I was just kidding. What actually happened was the alligator was in the forest, sunning himself on a log, when he was run over by a hovercraft.

In any case, he was, uh, just mashed. The end.

In closing, I would like to leave you with this thought about love:

“Love is a death camp in a costume.” Good night.

[Applause. Camera pulls back, image and music fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

Dick Cavett’s Monologue

…..Dick Cavett

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Dick Cavett.

[ as Cavette approaches Home Base, he shakes an audience member’s hand and dons a Nixon farewell pose ]

Dick Cavett: Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Say, it’s nice of you to be here, and it’s nice of me to be here. [ light, confused laughter from the audience ] You may wonder what I mean by that, but, the fact is, the producer called me — Mr. Michaels, quite agitated — uh, if you read TV Guide, don’t complain to them, because it says that Elliott Gould is hosting tonight. Elliott was going to host tonight, but they called me and said, “Can you come in?” This was not to be my week, because Elliott actually, uh — everything was ready to go, and his doctor advised him that he could make a great deal more money on the Olivia Newton-John special. So he isn’t here, but I really did leap into the breach, and thank you for your — uh, and to Elliott fans, I’ll do the best I can.

[ Cavett opens his jacket and pulls a stack of cards out of his pants ]

We had these cards handed out because I’ve always wanted to know what the audience thinks when it comes to this show, and, also, I thought having a card that says: “I would like to ask Dick Cavett the following question…” would make it quite clear who the host is tonight. So… I’ll just run through these:

“How did it feel being married to Barbra Streisand?”

[ Cavett shakes his head and continues ]

“Have you ever been in therapy? We’re available for consultation. Marty Steinberg and Debbie Lombardi.”

Are you here? [ he looks around ] Leave a picture of your couch.

“Do you enjoy live audiences?”

Uh — yes. In fact, we’re thinking of bringing one in here. [ he smiles ] I’m sorry, I think we’re gonna be okay.

“I know your wife is a Broadway actress. You never talk about her on TV.”

Uh, I don’t see why I should — she never mentions me in her plays.

There’s more. “How does it feel to be married to a beautiful blonde dish?”

[ he chuckles ]

You’d have to ask her!

[ the audience groans slightly ]

“First you appear on “The Big Event”, and now this. Don’t you have any taste?”

[ he smiles ] Listen — a lot of shows, it’s better to be on them than to watch them. It’s a big advantage. This show’s fun, because you get a lot of exercise, you get no rehearsal, you run from set to set… the next day, you get exercise because people throw things at you on the street — this is a fun show to do.

“How does it feel to be so short… in a world of mental… G-A-I..?” You probably meant giants, didn’t you? [ he shakes his head ]

“I don’t like to come to your town any more. What makes New York so crummy these days?”

[ without hesitation ] Tourists.

[ wild applause from the audience ]

[ smiling ] I must remember that!

“Would you patronize a streetwalker?”

No, I would treat her as an equal.

I don’t know, there’s a theme running through these: “Have you ever committed adultery, in your mind?”

Uh — not in my mind! It’s far too crowded there.

“Who do you think has the most charisma between Ford and Carter?”

Actually, anybody, between Ford and Carter…”

[ scattered applause ]

“I hear you were in a commercial. Which?”

I assumed everybody knew this — I’m the Pillsbury Doughboy.

“Is there any commercial you wouldn’t do?”

Uh — I would not be that guy, you know, in the toilet in the little boat. He’s, uh, he’s not the only person in television whose career is in the toilet, but he’s making money on it!

“With what fraternity were you affiliated at Yale?”

Uh, I-I wasn’t in one. I just don’t like the idea of, uh — I couldn’t afford it! But my roommates and I had the same fun, as if we were in one. We, uh, you know, we’d get nude and drink beer and throw up on each other.

[ the audience applauds ]

“Do you believe in deja vee, or vu? If you do, is there anything that’s happened in your past that’s occurred recently?”

Uh — no.

“Do you believe in deja vee, or vu? If you do, is there anything that’s, uh…?” [ he smiles, as the audience groans ]

“Please take your –” Lady says: “Please take your shirt off. Kathy.”

I’ll make a deal with you, Kathy.

“You’ve had Barbara Walters — is she worth five million dollars?” [ he laughs at the wording ]

May I skip one down here? [ he flips through the cards ]

Let’s see… I do not believe this. In all the time I’ve been asked questions… “Are you hung, in proprtion to your height?” [ the audience chuckles ] Do you want to see it, if it’s on there?

The ratio’s 5 to 1 — but I’m not saying which way.

[ the audience applauds ]

“How do you get a date with Robert Redford?”

I usually dress sexy, and uh…” [ the audience laughs ] Say, you’re wonderful! Let’s do this all again, shall we? We’ll be right back, after this message.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

The Marines

Marine…..Garrett Morris

[ Open on Marine walking down the street ]

[ He stops to talk to a man, who quickly turns away ]

[ He stops to talk to a second man, who also quickly turns away ]

[ He stops to talk to a third man, who listens attentively as the Marine puts his arm around them and they walk offscreen together ]

Announcer: The Marines. [ with SUPER ] We’re looking for a few good men.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

Goodnights

…..Dick Cavett

Dick Cavett: Say, this one of those moments that you dream about, or have nightmares about, because we were supposed to be WAY over. But we have about a minute-and-a-half to kill here, uh, and this is the traditional part of the show where the host says what a wonderful time he had. Uh — so I can say that very slowly, which would kill the time, or I could tell the truth and tell you what a rotten time I’ve had, playing the part of Elliott Gould here tonight. But, uh, that isn’t true, either. So, the fact is, this is one of the WITTIEST groups of people I’ve ever worked with. [ the audience applauds for an extended period of time ] That’s right. That isn’t helping, because we still have some time. Uh, I’ve got some stuff left over from The Big Event that I didn’t get on this weekend… [ he begins making a few quick hand shadows ] I could do some mroe hand shadows — let’s see, what else? Uh, say something. So I guess we’re just about out of time. Thank you, bless you, and, if you’re driving, why the hel are you watching television? I don’t know what we’re talking about! Are we out yet? No? Good night!

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Paul Simon, with a special remote appearance by George Harrison. Wasn’t he one of The Beatles, or something? I don’t know, they were looooong before my time! I only go back to The Modernaires! [ singing ] “I will never smile again / I smile at you…” This is Smilin’ Don Pardo saying, “Good Night!” [ he continues to sing until the fade-out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

Chroma-Trak

…..Gilda Radner
…..Garrett Morris

[ open on Gilda Radner, dressed in vivid, multicolored clothing, make-up, and accessories, smiling before the camera ]

Announcer: And now, Gilda Radner speaks out for Chroma-Trak.

Gilda Radner: My hair… is red! My eyes… are blue! My scarf… is yellow! The people at Chroma-Trak paid me a LOT of money to tell you that my top… is green!

[ cut to Garrett Morris watching in his living room, confused that the colors Gilda describes don’t match what’s on his TV screen ]

Garrett Morris: Green?!

Gilda Radner: My belt… is black! My gloves… are brown!

[ Garrett frantically begins to twist the Tint knob on his set, making Gilda turn a variety of other colors and shades ]

Garrett Morris: I just paid $600 for this thing…!

Gilda Radner: My bracelets… are orange…

[ Garrett flips the set off, then on again, while yelling at it ]

Gilda Radner: … purple… yellow… brown…

Garrett Morris: I don’t see anything!!

[ Garrett begins to smack the sides of his TV st, causing Gilda to jump around inside the image ]

Garrett Morris: $600!! $600!!

[ Garrett finally smacks the top of the TV, causing Gilda to fall out of the image to the floor in a manner similar to how Chevy Chase used to open the show each week ]

[ Gilda finally stands up within the TV screen, as the image dissolves to Gilda on the SNL stage ]

Gilda Radner: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

Funny Word Survey

…..Dick Cavett
…..Tom Davis
…..Al Franken

Dick Cavett: NBC has asked that we take part in a survey, and there are two research scientists here for that. so, will you please welcome Drs. Franken and, um, Davis, is it?

Dr. Tom Davis: Yes. Thank you, Dick Cavett.

[ Franken and Davis enter, dressed in lab coats ]

[ Al Franken places a boombox-sized device onto a stool ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Thank you, and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Dr. Thomas James Davis. This is my, um, this is my associate, Dr. Alan S. Franken. We’re from Johns Hopkins Department of Semantic Psychology. Uh, not, of course, to be confused with Semetic Psychology, which is a different story altogether! [ he laughs ] Thank you! Thank you. Uh, we are conducting a survey for NBC, citting the psychosemantic relationship of words and humor. Why, for example, does the word “potato” NEVER fail to get a laugh? [ he laughs ] Thank you. So, uh — thank you – so, we have, uh, chosen to use this technique, then, to measure your audience laugh response tonight to five words which we’ve selected from the dictionary at random. And, to do this, we have the latest in equipment developed in this field by my associate and myself. We will be working with the Laugh-ograph, and the Teehee-ometer, which we have synthesized.

Dr. Al Franken: Sometimes, when we’re just joking around the lab, we call it the, uh, Hardy-Hardi-ograph!

[ Davis tries to stifle his laughter ]

Dr. Tom Davis: True story! True story! It gets a little ZANY sometimes in the lab. Ay any rate, we’ll be using this equipment to be able to, uh — [ he laughs ] immediately compute your audience laugh response, so, if you’re all ready now — of course, I know I am. I’ll hand the official survey instructions to my associate. He’ll break the seal and read the instructions, and we’ll be able to begin tonight’s survey, so I’ll havd the floor over to my associate, Dr. Franken.

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you, Dr. Davis!

Dr. Tom Davis: You’re welcome, Dr. Franken.

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you very much.

Dr. Tom Davis: [ waving him on ] Just start. Just start.

[ Dr. Franken stares at Dr. Davis, then finally begins ]

Dr. Al Franken: The official audience instructions: Try to avoid unneccessary associations with sexuality… beastiality… anality… the… [ embarrassed, he tries to avoid looking at his instructions ] female mammory glands… [ he adjusts his tie ] or the… [ once again, he struggles through his embarrassment ] fellopian tubes. [ he adjusts his tie ] Try to keep your minds as BLANK as possible. It may be helpful to think about TV bowling.

Dr. Tom Davis: Ready? Word #1.

Dr. Al Franken: Wazoo!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken adjusts the synthesizer ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Word #2.

Dr. Al Franken: Vaseline!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken adjusts the synthesizer ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Word #3.

Dr. Al Franken: Sand!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken adjusts the synthesizer ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Word #4.

Dr. Al Franken: [ once again embarrassed ] Finger!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken turns to look away ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Finally, Word #5.

Dr. Al Franken: Pubic!

[ Dr. Davis shoves Dr. Franken ]

Dr. Al Franken: [ looking again ] PUBLIC!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken adjusts the synthesizer ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Alright, thanks very much, ladies and gentlemen, for your very kind cooperation. Now, if the equipment has been operating properly, we should have the results of tonight’s survey, so I’ll hand the floor to my associate, Dr. Franken, for the results of tonight’s survey. Dr. Franken?

[ Dr. Franken pulls the results from the machine ]

Dr. Al Franken: Here we go. [ he clears his throat ] The official — [ he looks up as Dr. Davis peers over his shoulder ] Thank you, by the way, Dr. Davis.

Dr. Tom Davis: You’re welcome, Dr. Franken!

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you very much.

[ Dr. Davis shoves Dr. Franken ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Just read it!

Dr. Al Franken: Okay, okay! [ reading ] The official audience results! This audience ranks in the lowest percentile in the nation, in terms of mental and emotional stability. But, in the upper percentile here in New York.

Dr. Tom Davis: Ladies and gentlemen… we’re not actually research scientists! allow us to remove our disguises — [ they remove their lab coats ] We’re the comedy team of Franken & Davis!

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you, and good night!

SNL Transcripts