Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 6

76f: Buck Henry / The Band

Super Bat-o-matic ’77

Spokesman…..Dan Aykroyd
Bat-Drinker…..Laraine Newman

Pitchman: Witches, warlocks, conjurers,sorcerers, black magicians, white magicians, are youhaving trouble mixing your potions in time for thewinter solstice? [pull back to reveal the pitchman inmagician’s robe standing before a table complete withlit candles, a book of magic, mortar and pestle,blender with a bat icon on it – picks up mortar andpestle] Is your sorcery getting hung up because of thehours you spend mixing and blending your remedies?Then you need Rovco’s amazing new witch’s aid, theSuper-Bat-O-Matic ’77! [SUPER: BAT-O-MATIC]

You never have to use mortar, pestle or cauldronagain. Super-Bat-O-Matic cuts, chops, slices, dices,mixes and blends herbs, plants, twigs, sprigs, leaves,branches, claws, teeth, eyes, ears, skin, hair, blood,flies, insects, limbs and organs of all kinds, toads,lizards, newts, mice, rats and bats FASTER than youcan knife a goat! [picks up a book] Take this eleventhcentury remedy from the Key of Alcazar: Potion to WinLove and Shrink Hives.
Feather of a young hawk, belly of a fly,
Blood, bile of an ox,
A lizard’s lung,
Say “Sarax, sarax!”
And your will is done.
[dumps contents of black bag into blender]
Seven threads, a hangman’s garment.
Basil, wolfbane and a shoot of wintermint.
To this, add the eye of a rat. [drops rat eye intoblender]
And mix in the body of one whole bat!
[holds up the small quivering body a dead bat]
Yes! Mix in the body of one whole bat! Remember what achore that USED to be?! Now, it’s fast and it’s easywith Rovco’s Bat-O-Matic! [drops bat in blender]Here’s how it works.

[puts top on blender, pushes button – blender blendscontents into a brown liquid – pitchman chantswordlessly as if speaking in tongues – Cut to womanwith glass of similarly brown liquid. To the crowd’shorror, she drinks from it, then smiles into thecamera:]

Bat-Drinker: Wow! That’s great bat! And a greatpotion, too. I’m in love and my hives arecured!

Pitchman: With Bat-O-Matic, you can prepare asmany bat-based potions as you like without pounding,grinding or mixing by hand. Throw away that mortar,pestle and cauldron! [briefly holds up mortar, pestleand tiny cauldron] Get the Super-Bat-O-Matic ’77! Itworks like magic! [starts up blender – SUPER:BAT-O-MATIC]

Don Pardo V/O: Bat-O-Matic — at alchemistseverywhere!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 6


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 30th, 1976

Buck Henry

The Band

None

None

Alan Zweibel

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Michael O’Donoghue

Land SharkSummary: The Land Shark (Chevy Chase) attacks a woman (Gilda Radner) long after the trick-or-treaters have subsided.

Transcript

Montage

Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: Buck Henry casually reveals deep, dark secrets about the cast.

First Hosted: 75j.

Transcript

Samurai StockbrokerSummary: Thanks to Futaba’s (John Belushi) faulty financial advice, Mr. Dantley (Buck Henry) discovers that he’s bankrupt.

Note: Buck Henry is nicked in the head by the samurai sword when John Belushi thrusts it too close to his head, then, due to the shock, he also experiences trouble jumping through the makeshift window. Afterwards, Henry was mysteriously examined by Belushi’s own personal physician who was on hand in the studio.

Recurring Characters: Samurai, Mr. Dantley.

Transcript

Not For First Ladies OnlySummary: Barbara Walters (Gilda Radner) question Betty Ford (Jane Curtin) and Rosalyn Carter (Laraine Newman) on why they will be a great First Lady.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Betty Ford, Rosaylnn Carter.

RootsSummary: Garrett Morris takes a look back at some of the famous people his ancestors have had relations with.

Debate ’76Summary: President Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase) and Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) tackle the final issues prior to the election in the style of a beauty pageant.

Recurring Characters: Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter.

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy Chase examines a pair of unreleased Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter campaign ads. Jane Curtin reads celebrity news items. Chevy Chase demonstrates the Game of the Week, then receives a phone call from the dead Generalissimo Francisco Franco.

Transcript

Super Bat-O-Matic ’77Summary: Warlock spokesman (Dan Akroyd) shows how to blend magic potions the easy way.

Transcript

The Band performs “Life Is A Carnival”, “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down”, and “Stage Fright”Bio: Canadian-American rock group; first performed as Ronnie Hawkins back-up band, The Hawks; disbanded in 1976, with a farewell tour on Thanksgiving Day; Martin Scorcese filmed their final concert and released it as documentary “The Last Waltz” (1978); members: Robbie Robertson, Richard Manuel, Garth Hudson, Rick Danko, Levon Helm.

Lyrics

The OintMENtSummary: Ambassador Thorne (Buck Henry) searches in vain for demon-child Damien’s (John Belushi) real parents.

Transcript

It’s Halloween TonightSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Buck Henry is made up to look like a woman.

Houdini’s GraveSummary: On the 50th anniversary of his death, Garrett Morris waits inside Machpelah Cemetery to see if Houdini will return from the grave as he promised before his death.

Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime TalesSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donaghue) tells the story of “The Enchanted Thermos”.

Transcript

Houdini’s Grave IISummary: Garrett Morris appears to have been spooked by an apparition of Houdini’s ghost.

The Band performs “Georgia On My Mind”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Jane Curtin
Wandering Snacker…..Al Franken

Announcer: And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ talking into the phone ] Noooo.. you’re not supposed to blow on it – that’s just an expression. [ looks up at the camera ] I have to go. [ hangs up the phone ]

Good evening! I’m Ron McKuen.

Our top story tonight: President Ford and Governor Jimmy Carter emerged from their third and final debate virtually even in the preliminary polls. The Burns-Roper Poll showed Carter to be a winner by a substantial margin of 40% to 29%. However, an AP Poll showed Ford the winner by a margin of 35.5% to 33.1%. A panel of ten experts found Ken Norton to be the winner.

Commenting on the early polls, Jimmy Carter said he didn’t care much. But Ford’s comments were: “The Poles are an independent and autonomous people, and I don’t believe they consider themselves to be under Soviet domination.”

The President is said to be readyinging himself for the upcoming Ford/Dole debates.

Probably the biggest surprise of last night’s debates was when Jimmy Carter, to the confusion of everyone, revealed that, when the mood hits him, he likes to dress up like Elenour Roosevelt.

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, buck private George Brown, apologized for his remark that Israel was a military burdon to the United States. Brown stated that what he meant to say was: “Let’s leave the dumb Jews helpless.”

Meanwhile, preparations are under way for the first Brown/Butts debate, to be televised from a synogogue in Little Rock, Arkansas.

Carlo Gambino, the underworld’s notorious Capo de Tuti Capo – or, Boss of All Bosses – was laid to rest this week as a power struggle raged for his Mafia family leadership. The funeral service was simple, highlighted by a chorus of mourners singing “Ciao Ciao, Gambino”, as the casket was sprinkled with sausages and anchovies, and sealed in pizza oven.

On a seriouser side.. on a more serious side.. on the more serious side, Chairman Mao was finally laid to rest this week after much discussion as to what to do with his body. After weeks of debate, it was decided that the fallen Chinese leader be buried in a takeout seminary. The family decided this would be best, as it’s cheaper, it’s open twenty-four hours a day, and it’s within delivery distance of Peking.

Although the press was barred from the jury selection process of Ruben “Hurricane” Carter’s retrial, Weekend Update was able to sneak one of our staff artists into the proceedings.

[ footage of Rubin “Hurricane” Carter sitting at a table in the courtroom, making all the motions described by Chevy ]

The former middleweight looked at his watch for eleven seconds, and then wrote something while waiting for Judge Bruno L. Leopizzio to impound twelve jurors and four alternates individually behind closed doors.

Carter leaned back, and then took a drink of water. As the judge imposed a gag order, restricting the defendant’s and opposing lawyers from commenting on the triple murder case.

After that, Carter leaned back and crossed his arms.

Coming up next: Students register for classes in Thailand. Right after this.

[ Dissolve to ad parody for Fido-Flex. ]

Chevy Chase: As many of you may already know, I was recently taken ill for two weeks, and uh.. sitting in for me was – as the anchorwoman for Weekend Update – was a very fine journalist in her own right, correspondent Jane Curtin. Uh.. of course, much has been said lately about the pros and cons of a woman reporter anchoring, uh.. the national news. There’s certainly no question in my mind about the validity of women in any so-called traditional male roles. People are people, and should be judged as people.. and one such person, uh.. who just happens to be a fine newswoman, is Jane Curtin. and it gives me great pleasure to welcome her as a regular joining me on Weekend Update. Jane?

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: Jane, welcome.. and, uh.. thanks for taking over earleir this year. I understand you have a report for us on the latest flourocarbon controversy.

Jane Curtin: That’s right, Chevy, uh.. a growing concern exists about the dangers of flourocarbons being released by aerosol products. Responsible environmentalists have been warning us for years.. [ Chevy begins raising his eyebrows and pursing his lips as a means of mocking Jane’s editorial ] ..that these flourocarbons are slowly destroying the Earth’s ozone layer. As the ozone layer disappears, the sun’s ultraviolet rays reach the Earth in an in-in-unfiltered state of intensity, strong enough to eventually destroy life on our planet and, subsequently, our planet itself. Proposed legislation controlling aerosol products has been an issue in Washington for a long time. But, so far, has gotten nowhere. The ecological community urges the concerned citiazen should act now: form groups, write to Congress, protest the continued manufacture and sale of products which can eventually destroy us. [ Chevy acts as if he’s behaving himself when Jane turns to face him ]

Chevy Chase: Thank you, Jane. Jane Curtin.

Well, David Bowie paid a surprise visit to New York this week. Fans remarked that he looked much bigger in person.

[ show picture of Adlei Stevenson ] Adlei Stevenson.

Dictatorial president Ferdinand Marcos is pictured here, and has been casting his ballots in a referendum. Though.. [ a Wandering Snacker has appeared over Chevy’s shoulder, and is reading the paper in his hand ] I.. I don’t like people reading over my shoulder.. you know what I mean?

Wandering Snacker: Oh.. I-I’m sorry..

Chevy Chase: I was just trying to read something-

Well, on the warmer, happier side of life, far from the stories which seem sad or tragic, baby gorilla Boom-Boom was flown by Concorde from Paris to Washington last Thursday, to join the Ringling Brothers’ Barnum & Bailey Zoo and Circus. Boom-Boom enchanted passengers and stewardesses during the three-and-a-half hour flight by dancing in the aisles, making cute noises, and breaking into the cockpit and ripping apart the face of the captain, mutilating the navigator and crash-landing the jet in Greenland. One humorous note: there were no survivors.

Chevy Chase: Well, that’s all the news we have tonight. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Steve Martin Stand-Up

…..Steve Martin

[Steve Martin, wearing a brown suit, stands at homebase.]

Steve Martin: Thank you. How do you like the show sofar? Okay, we’re havin’ some fun out here tonight, Iguess, huh? [laughs] You know, a lot of people come tome, they say, Steve, you’re a ramblin’ guy, um, youmust meet a lot of girls on the road. I’d just like todispel that rumor. Uh, it’s kind of a myth aboutentertainers, uh, you know, you travel around fromtown to town, one night at a time and, you know, youdon’t have time to meet anybody and, uh, I’m not intothat one night thing, you know? I think a personshould get to know someone and even be in love withthem before you use and degrade them. So …

I don’t know if I looked a little mad, uh, during theshow tonight. I’m a little angry, I guess. Uh, I’mjust, uh… Boy. I don’t know, I’m just mad at mymother. I don’t know, she just, uh, she calls me upthe other day. She wants to borrow ten dollars forsome food! Can you believe that? I said, “Hey! I workfor a living!” So I loan her the money. Yesterday, shecalls me up and says she can’t pay me back for awhile. I said, “Hey! What is this?!” So I worked out adeal with her. I’m having her, uh, work on mytransmission. And, uh, move my barbells up to theattic. So that’s pretty good, huh? [laughs]

Oh, gosh! My shoelace is untied! [laughs, bends downbut the shoelace is tied, rises, laughs] Oh, I loveplaying jokes on myself!

All right. Boy, I had a – had a weird experience theother day. See, Jackie Onassis has always been one ofmy favorite people, you know? It’s like I’ve alwaysidolized her from afar, you know, and I’ve alwayswanted to meet her, you know, but fat chance I’m gonnameet Jackie Onassis, right? Well… [clears throat] Iwas in a laundromat in Tucson, Arizona. And I lookedover and there she was — Jackie Onassis, my idol –and I couldn’t believe it, you know? So I got allexcited and I went up to her and I said, “Hey! Howzitgoin’?” And, uh, she said, “Fine” and everything wasgood. So I asked her out for lunch. And I couldn’tbelieve it. She accepted. And I was so proud, youknow, to be able to go someplace with my idol, JackieOnassis, so elegant, sophisticated. So I took her tothis really great restaurant. And the waiter broughtthe food. … And she was a pig. Really. It wasunbelievable! She wouldn’t use a knife and fork! Shegoes [pretends to suck food off plate with mouth] Oh!And she picked up the hard rolls and she threw ’em atpeople. [mimes throwing rolls] She picked up two friedeggs, she goes [pretends to slap two fried eggs on hisbreasts] “Heeeeyyyyy!” And she thought it was funny!You know? And the waiter’d come by and she’d lift upher dress [mimes lifting dress over his head] –“Aaaaahhhhh!” Oh! What a letdown, you know what Imean?

Whew! You know why people can get away with stuff likethat? I’ll tell you exactly why people get away withthat. Because the public has a short memory. That’swhy all these big stars do these crazy, terriblethings and two years later they’re back in the biz,you know. ‘Cause the public has a short memory. Let megive you a little test, okay? This is my thesis — thepublic has a short memory and, like– How many peopleremember, a couple of years ago, when the Earth blewup? How many people? See? So few people remember. Andyou would think that something like that, people wouldremember. But NOOO! You don’t remember that? The Earthblew up and was completely destroyed? And we escapedto this planet on the giant Space Ark? Where have youpeople been? And the government decided not to tellthe stupider people ’cause they thought that it mightaffect– [dawning realization, looks around] Ohhhh!Okay! Uh, let’s move on!

Um, if I, uh, do look a little depressed tonight, I -I guess I get a little sentimental every time thebicentennial year rolls around and, um… I gotanother month and a half on that joke, I’m gonna useit every chance I get, so… [sadly] Actually, I’mkind of – I don’t know, I’m kind of thinkin’ about myold girlfriend, I guess. Sorry. It’s just that I usedto travel around and I’d be performing and I couldkind of hear her laugh in the back – it’d meansomething to me, you know and, uh … I’m sorry. Youknow how it is. We were together about three yearsand, uh, she’s not living any more so I kind of, uh–[audience laughs, Martin gives them a disgusted look]You laugh? And I guess I kind of blame myself for herdeath. Uh, we were at a party one night and we weren’tgetting along and we were fighting and she began todrink and … I didn’t realize how much she’d beendrinking. She ran out to the car, she asked me todrive her home and I didn’t want to and I refused. Sheasked me one more time, would you please drive mehome? I didn’t want to … So I shot her.

Okay, folks! I, uh, think that about does it. [checkshis wristwatch] We’ve had a good time tonight, uh,considering we’re all going to die. And, uh, we gonnago to commercial now or uh …? We’ll go to commercialand we’ll come right back. Thanks a lot. [smiles,waves]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

World Series Loss

Coach…..Dan Aykroyd
Ballplayer…..Chevy Chase

[ open on dejected ballplayers hanging around the locker room, looking up at Coach, whose face is unseen to the audience since he’s standing high atop a stool ]

Coach: Ahhhhh.. what else can I say, boys..? As your manager, I wanted to win the World Series as much as anybody – New York deserved to win! Losing four straight games was rough! Being ejected from the last game made things even worse for me. Look – th-there’s nothing shameful about.. your not showing, you know.. your showing in the Series.. I mean, don’t blame yourselves. I mean, they blame me.. I-I made the same mistakes, maybe I should have used Catfish in the fourth game. I’m sorry you were embarrassed on national television in front of millions of people! And I’m.. sorry that each one of you lost the, uh.. bonuses and the World Series money, not to mention the untold other monies you could have gotten in commercial endorsements.. [ weeping ] I’m sorry..! I let you down! It won’t happen again!

[ members of the team exit the locker room mumbling to themselves about their Coach’s ineptitude. One Ballplayer lingers behind ]

Ballplayer: You bet it won’t, Coach! [ kicks the Coach’s stool out from under him, leaving him to hang in the air ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Plato’s Cave

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Narrator … Don Pardo
Gregory … Michael O’Donoghue
Francesca … Jane Curtin
Suki … Gilda Radner
Herbie … Dan Aykroyd
Guitarist Juan … Chevy Chase
Poet Rodney … Steve Martin
Blind Negro Jackson … Garrett Morris
Comedian Shelley … John Belushi
Dancer Isadora … Laraine Newman

[Beat music: piano, bongos, flute, bass. Close-up of aceiling lamp. We pull back and down to reveal atypically dark and smoky beatnik bar of the late 1950sas a superimposed text scrolls by.]

Narrator V/O: [reads the text] In the 1950s, acommon need to rebel against the Establishment drewtogether certain writers, artists, poets and thinkers,distinguished by their unconventional attitudes,behavior and clothing. They were known as … theBeatniks.

[A couple of signs (one in glowing blue neon) indicatethat we are in PLATO’S CAVE. Cigarette smoke rises tothe ceiling. Movie posters adorn the brick walls.Waitress Suki Bird stands beside a huge coffee urnreading a book. Bongo player Herbie Gleason wearsberet and sunglasses as he sits with other oddlydressed jazz musicians (bass, flute, piano) who playon a tiny upraised stage. We catch a glimpse of ablind black guitarist who sits at a table with afinger-snapping Jewish woman, as we pan down to ablack-clad couple seated at a nearby candlelit table.They smoke. Francesca, the more inexperienced one,listens raptly as Gregory, an urbane worldly gentlemanwith dark glasses and beard, finishes telling aonce-famous sick joke about a multiple amputeeboy:]

Gregory: Lord knows the kid can’t playbaseball, right? So, dig it, so, finally, she says tothe kid, “You know he can’t play baseball. Why do youwant him to come out?” The kid says “That’s okay, wejust want to use him for third base!”

[The two laugh.]

Francesca: I love sick humor. It really wigs meout. Like, I dig it when Lenny Bruce says we’re allpuntzes and we don’t know our shvukuses from ourshmups. Or when he says, “Go shtunk mud.”

[Suki the waitress leans in, book in hand, to correcther.]

Suki: That’s “shtup mud” — shtup. What do youtwo want to drink?

[We dissolve over to Herbie, the jazz musician withthe bongos, who acts as Master of Ceremonies,introducing the various artists in a gravelly,dope-inflected voice.]

Herbie: All right, yeah! And now, you chicksand you cats are really gonna dig this dude fromSpain! He’s a flamenco guitarist — and guitar is hissecond ax, man! He bummed around with Jack Kerouac’scousin. Juan Kutner! Yeah, let’s really dig him, he’sa real wigged out guy.

[Applause from the crowd and a musical flourish fromthe band as Juan enters, is handed an acoustic guitar,and sits on a stool. A long pause as the mustachioedJuan, in sunglasses, red neckerchief and open-chestedshirt, puts his ear to the ax and silently tunes it.Sitting in the background, Herbie fills the pause witha string of mellow interjections:]

Herbie: Yeah. Right. Groovy. Awright.

[Juan finally strums a few notes, hits a chord, thenhowls a long, loud, wordless Latin-inflected melisma.Toward the end, he gags a little, then finishes up andstrums another chord. He resumes his howl briefly,ends with a decisive nod of the head, thenfinger-picks the guitar tunelessly as Gregory andFrancesca watch impassively from their table. Gregorylights a cigarillo. Juan struggles to free his fingerswhich get jammed in the strings, mumbles and curses inSpanish, indicates to Herbie that he’s stuck. The jazzband begins to play him off.

Herbie: Yeah, right, hey!

[Applause. Juan shrugs, rises, crosses to Herbie whohelps to pull his fingers free of the strings, thenexits, taking his stool with him. Herbie is alreadyintroducing the next artist:]

Herbie: All right, you know that when Ginsbergwailed with the “Howl,” you dig, “I have seen the bestminds of my generation screaming, hysterical, naked,roaming through the Negro streets at dawn lookin’ foran angry fix.” — you knew he was talkin’ about onecat, man. And that cat was poet Rodney Chernin. Go,Rod, go!

[Applause as gray-goateed, black-clad Rodney Chernin,wearing scarf and beret, rises from a ringside tableinto the spotlight, swaggers to center stage, book inhand, surveys the crowd briefly, consults his book,then begins to read melodramatically:]

Rodney:
Oh, Mr. Commuter!
Wash me not in your Mad Ave. paint-by-numberssoap,
In your Cheez Whiz TV dinner bathtub graveyard.
Not for me your drip-dry tuna casserole! [bongo rimshot]
Not for me your gray-and-pink poodle FASCISM![bongo]
I’d rather roll in my own PUKE! [bongo]
Free and proud to smell.
This is poetry!
It does not NEED to rhyme!
Ga ga!
Da da!
God!
Dog!
Dog!
God!

Herbie: Genius! Ah, genius!

Rodney:
Period!
Comma, comma!
New line: colon!
Question mark?
Hear the sound!
Hear the sound! [bongo]
Zoom! [bongo]
Zoom! [bongo]
Zoom! [bongo]

[Rodney pauses, unsure of the next word, mumbles tohimself, consults book.]

Rodney: Oh!

[Rodney resumes his rant, gesturing broadly:]

Rodney: Zoom! Zoom! Zoom!
Fallout shelter!
Sputnik!
H-bomb!
Explosion! Explosion!!! EXPLOSION!!!
[slaps himself hard in the face]
Bang!

[Applause, music. Gregory and Francesca, too cool toclap, merely snap their fingers. Suki the waitress,still reading her book, brings them theirdrinks.]

Gregory: [casually, to Francesca, off the poet]I prefer his haiku.

Francesca: [not understanding the word “haiku”]I love Japanese movies. I mean, films. Butthey’re so nihilistic, I–

Suki: [interrupts] Anything’s better, uh, thanHollywood, man. I mean, James Dean went to Hollywood.Look what it did to him. I’m studying the Method withUta Hagen. I’d never go to Hollywood, it’snowheresville.

[Suki moves off as we cut to Herbie, introducing thenext act:]

Herbie: And now, the most from the South. Allthe way from Shreveport, Louisiana, he’s Blind NegroJock Jackson. Maybe some of you cats and chicks aren’thip to this but, like, Negroes have really suffered inwhite society! So dig this mannnnnnn.

[Blind Negro Jackson — eyes shut, head upraised, hugeopenmouthed grin — takes center stage. Carrying anacoustic guitar and wearing a harmonica rack ’roundhis neck, he nods at the applause.]

Jackson: Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Yeah,now, I’m go’n’ pick a little tune heah. Uh, thisheah’s called the Trouble and Mis’ry Blues.[clears throat, strikes a chord, sings:]
Well, I woke up this mornin’!
And the coffee was cold!
And the baby was cryin’!
So I went to the city!
And a car ran over my foo-oot!

[harmonica]

Waaaaaahhhhhh! Waaaaaahhhhhh!

[harmonica]

And I asked the White Man for a jooo-ooob!
And he wouldn’t give me no jooo-ooob!
And I got holes in my shoooes!
And I got holes in my feet, toooooo!

[harmonica]

Waaaaaahhhhhh! Waaaaaahhhhhh!

[harmonica]

And I got five dollars for the winter!
And the rats is gnawin’ on mama’s old church hat!
Waaaaaahhhhhh! Waaaaaahhhhhh!

[harmonica]

And I was blind yesterday …
I’m blind today …
Go’n’ be blind tomorrow!

[Last two words sung with a spectacular falsetto whichdraws genuine applause as the song windsdown.]

Herbie: All right!

Jackson: Thank you, thank you.

[More applause. Suki, tray in hand, pats Jackson onthe shoulder and leads the grinning, nodding musicianoff.]

Suki: Great stuff, man. You know, I lovedSidney Poitier in “The Defiant Ones.” He was great.Sit down, baby.

[During a short musical interlude from the band, wecenter briefly on Gregory and Francesca snapping theirfingers and discussing Jackson’s performanceintensely.]

Gregory: … like, they are SO real.

Francesca: Me, too. I think we all have so muchto learn from Negroes.

Herbie: And now! The mohel of the boils ofsociety! A cat who cuts through the maladies of truth!This cat is too wigged out for the idiot box. You’llnever catch him on Steve Allen, man! Here he is, theworld’s most paranoid hip comic, ShelleyBayless.

[Accompanied by music and applause, Shelley — acigarette-wielding Lenny Bruce imitator wearingsunglasses, dark suit and skinny necktie — rises andtakes center stage, shaking like an addict, oozingparanoia and passive-aggression. The jazz musiciansdig him with much enthusiasm but the crowd nevercracks a smile.]

Shelley: Hi. Hey, man. Ha! Like, I wore theshades ‘cuz candles are too bright, ya dig?

Herbie: Yeah!

Shelley: What’s the matter, man? Didn’t sellenough life insurance today? Is that it? Huh? Whaddyalookin’ at? What? [defiantly holds up his cigarette toGregory, shaking] Cigarette, man! Huh? What are you, acop? Huh? What you–? [to the crowd] You all cops,right? You’re ALL cops and you don’t know it, man! Yasee? That’s all right. Ooh. Cool, dog. Right. I – Ithought I was diminishing but I guess I wasaugmenting.

[Shelley turns to the musicians who crack up at thisuse of music lingo and growl appreciatively.]

Shelley: That’s right. Hey! Dig the duuude. Thecat over there. Dig the scales on him, huh? That’s amajor? [consults the band who growl agreement] Thatis. That’s a major. Hey, hey-hey, ya see, all you catswho dig like Eisenhower, ya know, like, uh, ya know,who don’t share the doogie with the skeezo, you know,with the band, ya dig?

[Musicians growl appreciatively.]

Shelley: What do you want, man, huh? What? Youwant jokes? You want imitations? What do you want?Marlon Brando? [removes sunglasses, lapses into aflawless Brando impersonation] You wuz mah brother,Charlie, you shoulda looked out for me–

[Partially drowned out by laughter and applause, hemumbles dialogue from the 1954 film “On theWaterfront” with Brandoesque incoherence:]

Shelley: Don’t you remember that night in theGarden? You came down and said, “Kid, it ain’t yournight, we’re goin’ for the price on Wilson.” My night![ends imitation, to the crowd] That what you want,man? That what you want? [puts sunglasses back on]Huh? Well, dig, man — if Hugh Stoll knew what wascopacetic about reiterating the coda, you could bangit up from across the street, man. Ya dig? Ya dig?Because I know the truth of the– By the time you findout, you know, it – it’ll be in my vein andunderground, you know, ‘cuz you can’t stop it.

Herbie: Wow, Cecille! Shelley Bayless.

[Music, applause. Shelley nods and bows jerkily as hepats himself down, then exits.]

Herbie: Now, here’s a crazy chick. This chickswings with a different drummer — like, wow, Zenpoetry in motion, man. Let’s all groove on the dancemoves of Isadora Schwartz. Wild baby, wild.

[Music. Bone thin, black-clad dancer Isadora Schwartzbreezes into view and strikes an improbabledouble-jointed pose with her arms around her head andboth hands on her breasts.]

Isadora: [thick Noo Yawk accent] I am a leaf!Tawssed in the wind! [her hands waft like birds’ wingsfrom her breasts and she uncoils herself] Oh, thouwind! Blow! Blow! Blow me away! [spins and strikesanother pose, pointing into the crowd] The firstdemand of ontological empiricism is to find yawself![mimes digging, manages an unkempt leap and acts outthe following interjections with dance moves]Depression! Down! Down! Down! [sinks to the floor]Knife! [mimes slitting her wrists and bleeding] Blood!Bleed! Black! Black! Black! Blow! Death. [rises] Life.I dance like the wind. The wind!

[Isadora dances like the wind – after a moment, Herbieis so inspired, he leaps from his stool and duets withher – they kneel on the floor whipping their armsabout as if blown by the wind. Much fluttering by theflute during all this. The dance ends with Isadora onher knees, arms outstretched and palms up, her faceentirely covered by her long hair. Herbie returns tohis stool and picks up his bongos. Much applause.Isadora exits.]

Herbie: Crazy! All right, crazy! And now let’spause for the cause with a little musical interlude,cats and chicksssss!

[During the music, we isolate each of the players inan oval as superimposed texts and the narrator’sbooming voice describe their fates. First up iscustomer Gregory, in snobbish profile, cigarilloclenched in his teeth.]

Narrator V/O: Gregory Collyer – Went on tobecome the Love Dentist.

[Customer Francesca looks down pensively.]

Narrator V/O: Francesca Robinson [text says”Richardson”] – Now owns and operates a dog groomingparlor in Tampa, Florida.

[Bongo playing Herbie grins broadly.]

Narrator V/O: Herbie Gleason – Now runs aparking lot art gallery in Laguna Beach.

[Poet Rodney, lips pursed, holds a tinyteacup.]

Narrator V/O: Rodney Chernin – Designer ofSANS-A-BELT Slacks.

[Dancer Isadora grooves quietly to the jazzmusic.]

Narrator V/O: Isadora Schwartz – Now works withhyperkinetic children.

[Blind Negro Jackson, oblivious, eyes shut,openmouthed grin.]

Narrator V/O: Blind Negro Josh Jackson – Nowopening act for Professor Irwin Corey.

[Waitress Suki reads her book.]

Narrator V/O: Suki Bird – Killed inVietnam.

[Comedian Shelley lights one cigarette withanother.]

Narrator V/O: Shelley Bayless — Del Kaz –plays El Gallo in The Fantasticks.

[Flamenco guitarist Juan sucks on an injuredfinger.]

Narrator V/O: Juan Kutner – Went on to write”American Graffiti.”

[Applause. Dissolve to blue neon sign that reads:PLATOS CAVE. Image goes out of focus.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5



Song appears
on the album:

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Kinky Friedman performs “Dear Abbie”

…..Kinky Friedman

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Kinky Friedman.

Kinky Friedman:
“From a fan of yours in Texas
Who’s had a little trouble finding love
I’m considered quite attractive
And I’ve always been quite active, at the club.

But the life I lead’s so lonesome
That I wonder, Abbie, if you’ve ever known
What it’s like to live in others dreams
And never have a dream to call your own.

There’s a divorcee in DallasTheres a girl who’s much too young in Idaho.
London Bridge is falling down
And the clergyman is out of town
And there’s a daughter no one wants in Buffalo.

And I’m wondering ’bout America,Wondering if we lost more than the war.
I’m just wondering if there’s any silver lining left
Behind the golden door.

And Dear Abbie
Abbie I just had to write.
Dear Abbie
Abbie, is there any love in sight?

Well, the last time that I saw you
You were living at the old Chelsea Hotel.
Even though it’s been a whileHell, even now it makes me smile
To think of how you tennis-shoed the bill.

And it seems like only yesterday
You fell off of the see-saw, and you cried
And your daddy lit the fireworks
In the backyard on the fourth day of July.

And Dear Abbie
Abbie, I just had to write
Dear Abbie
Abbie.. where are you.. tonight?

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin!

[Martin enters, runs down stairs to home base where hestands between his banjo and a stool upon which aresome props. He basks in applause, wearing histrademark white suit with black shoes and rednecktie.]

Steve Martin: [arms in the air] Thank you very much.Thank you, this is too much, thank you, thank you![bows] Okay! Well, I didn’t expect this.[bows] Thank you very much. Okay. We’re havin’ somefun now, eh, folks? Okay, it’s, uh, great to be herein New York. Um, I know that sounds phony ’cause everyentertainer in the world comes out no matter wherethey are and they always go “HEY! IT’S REALLY GREAT TOBE HERE!” And it really sounds fake. But, believe me,I am sincere when I say, “HEY! IT’S REALLYGREAT TO BE HERE!” Okay, no, seriously, it is great tobe here. And, um, well, actually, it’s great to be …here. [steps one pace to his right] Okay, so– No!It’s great to be here! [a few steps to his left] Thisis where it’s great to be. [walks upstage] No! It’sgreat to be here, too! [turns, heads back downstage]Well, I’ll never forget how great it was to be overthere. [back where he started] Okay, we’re movin’ now.[takes a glass of water from stool] ‘Scuse me. [sipswater through straw, puts glass back on stool, spitsout a mouthful of water to his left] All right.

We on? [waves hands in mock protest] Okay, okay, okay,okay. To, uh, open the show, I always like to do onething that IS impossible. [holds up straw from waterglass] So right now I’m going to suck this stool intomy lungs. [bends over stool and tries to suck stoolthrough straw – nothing happens, of course -straightens up, with mock disappointment] Oh, darn.[throws straw away] Okay! Well, here’s something youdon’t often see. [jumps up and down twice, grunting,wild-eyed, while stretching corners of mouth withfingers] Okay, um. You know, a lot of people come tome – they say, Steve, how can you be so damnfunny? Well, uh, I’m kinda gettin’ out of the comedything now, uh, gettin’ more into the music so I’d liketo do a banjo tune for ya right now. Here we go.[picks up banjo, applause] Thank you very much. Thankyou. [straps on banjo, pauses] I don’t deserve it. Allright. Was it free to get in? [audience says “yes”]It’s free? Okay. Get your money’s worth on this. Okay,doesn’t matter if it’s free to get in, whatever, uh,we’re on network, uh, big show. You’re expecting tosee a professional show so let’s not waste any moretime! Here we go with … PROFESSIONAL SHOW BUSINESS!Let’s go, hey! [picks a note or two on banjo, thenimmediately backs away and starts tuning it]

Here we go. [plays a steady rhythmic riff] Hey, thisguy’s good. [sings] “Well, I’m ramblin’, ramblin”round, I’m a ramblin’ guy, I’m ramblin’, oh, yes, oh,yes!” [whistles poorly, shrugs, speaks] Free to getin. [sings] “I’m a ramblin’ guy – R-A-M-B-L-I-Napostrophe, oh yes, I’m ramblin’ — Ramblin’ to NewYork City, N-Y-C! Rent a car, get a hotel, for onlytwo hundred dollars a day. Oh, yes.” [speaks] Okay,everybody! “I’m a ram–” Come on! Sing with me!Come on, have some fun, come on! “Ramblin’ …” Areyou people uptight or somethin’? You can’t singalong–? Oh, I forgot… New York. [applause, keepsplaying] Okay! All right, ladies only! “Oh, look! Aramblin’ guy!” Come on! Okay, this half of the room!Beautiful! Now this half! Good, good! All right, twofifths! Now, three-fifths! Good. Seven-ninths!Two-ninths. All right, in Chinese now! [sings Chinesegibberish, then sings in English:] “Well, I’mramblin’, ramblin’, ramblin’, ramblin’, ramblin’,ramblin’, ramblin’, ramblin’! Ram! Mah! BLINNNN!”[suddenly launches into a long, snappy, complex banjoinstrumental, smiles and raises eyebrows at audience,stops, takes a fake arrow-through-the-head prop fromthe stool and puts it on] I like to keep the laughsrolling even while I’m playing. [finishes banjo tunetriumphantly] Heyyyy! [applause]

[sings without banjo] “Oh, I’m a neat guy!” [speaks]Excuse me, excuse me. All right, um, you know, uh, thebanjo’s such a happy instrument, it really is. It’s agood thing for a comedian, like me, and, uh, it’s justa happy thing, you know. [plays a happy melody] Isn’tthat happy? You just can’t sing a depressing song whenyou’re playing the banjo. You can’t go– [grins, playsand sings] “Oh, murder and death and grief andsorrow!” [pauses, holds up his hand] Really, whenyou’re with me, it’s like being at Shakey’s Pizza, youknow? It’s just… [plays “Ain’t She Sweet?”] Hey![keeps playing “Ain’t She Sweet?” but sings “SwaneeRiver”] “Way down upon the Swanee River…” [getsconfused, peers at banjo, stops playing, wavesdismissively]

Okay, I wanna do this, uh, last banjo tune and, uh,we’ll move on with the show. Could I get, like, atight shot, maybe, on the fingers, on this, okay?Dave? Dave Wilson, the director. I’d like to start offwith a tight shot, okay? [no tight shot appears, getsannoyed] I did this thing in dress. I thought we hadit worked out. I’m sorry. [clears throat, getsincreasingly upset] Okay, I’ll do something else then.I can go with it, all right? You know what I’m saying?It’s just, uh, um, you know, you ask for something,you think you’re gonna get it, throws you off, whenyou’re a performer, a professional like I am, and uh,I’m sorry if I look a little angry but, uh, I guess Iam, because, uh, you know, it hurts you. Youknow what I’m saying? It hurts the people who arewatching the show when me, the artist, comes out hereand I can’t get, what, a little cooperation, you knowwhat I mean? I mean, I can’t get a little help fromthe backstage crew? EXCUUUUUUSE MEEEEEEE![applause, still upset] I’m sorry! I’m angry! [playsbanjo tune, suddenly breaks out into a happy grin,apologetic] I’m sorry! We’ll be back after thiscommercial! [tight shot on the fingers playing thebanjo as we fade out]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Speak Out for Milk

… Chevy Chase
… Don Pardo
… Joe Dicso

[Handsome actor Chevy Chase, dressed casually, holds aglass of milk and smiles into the camera. SUPER: CHEVYCHASE Actor]

Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.

Chevy Chase: You know, milk’s got just abouteverything your body needs to start the day off right.Why, one glass contains more Vitamin A and calciumthan a thick sirloin steak. Delicious with almostanything. And milk leaves you with that awful sourbreath and white stuff in the corners of your mouth.

Director: [off screen] Cut! Uh, just tone it down,please, Chevy. Uh, could we try it again?

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry.

[SNL stage manager Joe Dicso enters, holding aclapboard up to the camera.]

Joe Dicso: Take thirty-two. [claps, exits]

Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.

Chevy Chase: You know, my body’s, uh, just about themost important thing to me. And I care about what Iput into it. That’s why I drink fresh, whole milk atleast three times a day. Gives me quick energy, helpsme to look and feel younger and increases the serumcholesterol in men who drink too much of it.

Director: [off screen] Cut!

Joe Dicso: Take thirty-three. [claps, exits]

Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.

Chevy Chase: You know, a lot of times, I’m out fordinner, uh, my date will order a beer or a liquordrink or something like that or her date or herfriend’s date or something like that, you know, andthey’re all ordering. And then the waiter comes to me,he says, So, uh, what’ll be? You know? And I just sortof smile and pop right up and say, “Milk, please!” Youknow why? Because I know that a single glass ofdelicious, ice cold milk in the summer can give you aquick heart attack if you drink it too fast. That’sright–

Director: [off screen] Cut!

Joe Dicso: Thirty-four. [claps, exits]

Chevy Chase: [sips milk] Mm mm. De-lish! I know afriend who gets these fatty deposits right under here.[pulls at his lower eyelids]

Director: [off screen] Cut it!

Joe Dicso: Thirty-five. [claps, exits]

Chevy Chase: Lot of health food experts think thatmilk is mucus-forming. I don’t know what that meansbut I suppose it’s true. I love milk myself.[gestures, spilling some milk] I’ve always been–

[Dissolve to a graphic that reads: SPEAK OUT FOR MILK]

Don Pardo V/O: Speak out for milk — it’s thedelicious natural drink that’s not filling and ISfattening.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Mysteries in Medicine

Written by: Dan Aykroyd

Narrator … Dan Aykroyd
Violet Elmweather … Jane Curtin
Dr. Cone … Steve Martin
Hector … Michael O’Donoghue
Ernie … Alan Zweibel
Blog … John Belushi
Midge … Laraine Newman

[Doctor’s office. Dr. Cone sits at his desk talkingwith patient Violet Elmweather. Behind Dr. Cone is asmall television set with a blue screen.]

Narrator V/O: This is the office of Dr. Paul Cone. Dr.Cone’s research in the field of nutrition anddigestive studies have led him to the perfection of aremarkable weight reduction program. Our subjecttonight on … [dramatic music] Mysteries in Medicine![SUPER: MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE] Professional dietclinics: Right or Rip-Off?

Violet Elmweather: I – I’ve almost given up hope. I -I– If only I could lose five pounds, I’d be happy.I’ve tried every diet program there is. The Nine DayPaper and Water Diet, the Lovecrest Nylon Diet. I evengained ten pounds last week eating nothing but driedcamel hearts.

Dr. Cone: Okay, Mrs. Elmweather, it’s simple. Um, noneof these conventional diets work for you. You want tolose weight, you have to find the right diet. I’mgoing to put you on an extreme weight reductionprogram. The Unizoid Wonder Diet with Blog treatments.

Violet Elmweather: What are Blog treatments?

Dr. Cone: Blog treatments are part of the most rigiddiet schedule in medical history. It’s a three yearprogram.

Violet Elmweather: When can I start?

Dr. Cone: Are you ready to travel?

Violet Elmweather: Travel? I didn’t–

Dr. Cone: [into an intercom] Hector! Ernie! [Hectorand Ernie, wearing airline pilot uniforms, enter] BlogDiet, Phase One.

Hector: Right.

[Hector grabs Violet, covers her mouth and hauls herout of her chair. Ernie moves the chair out of the wayand opens a door at stage right.]

Dr. Cone: [to the camera] Commitment, trust anddiscipline. These are the keynotes to dropping thosepounds.

[Hector and Ernie exit with Violet. Dissolve to stockfootage of airplanes in wintry settings. Eerie musicin. SUPER: SIMULATED AIRPLANE VOYAGE – Cut to footageof three figures on a dog sled crossing a frozentundra. SUPER: SIMULATED DOG SLED TREK – Cut to a mapof Canada and the Arctic with animated arrows headingnorthward. Dissolve to the interior of an ice fishinghut — it’s a wooden hut built right on the ice –there’s a small hole in the ice floor through whichone may fish. SUPER: AN ICE-FISHING HUT. The dooropens, snow blows in, and Hector carries Violet intothe hut and sets her on a barrel.]

Hector: The Blog treatments will commence shortly.

[Hector exits immediately and we see that the snow isbeing blown into the hut by a fan just outside thedoor.]

Violet Elmweather: Thank you. This is not really whatI asked for–

[An Eskimo, wearing goggles and hooded parka, enters,grunting loudly.]

Blog: Hey! Me Blog! You fish! [hands Violet a spear]You catch! You eat! Me Blog! Catch! Haaaaaa! [exits]

Violet Elmweather: This isn’t really what I – Iexpected. I didn’t think–

[Midge — a thin, friendly American woman carrying abag — enters and sits on a stool.]

Midge: Hi! Are you dieting?

Violet Elmweather: Yes. My name is Violet.

Midge: [shakes hands] Oh, I’m Midge. I’ve been herefor two years now. I used to weigh one-eighty. I wasrotund. Now I weigh fifty. I wanna weigh ten. [takesmeat from bag and offers some to Violet] Here, havesome raw seal meat, Violet.

Violet Elmweather: Oh, no thanks–

[Abruptly, Blog enters and sees the meat.]

Blog: Ooohhhh! Food! Blog eat now! Blog eat! [takesmeat away from Midge and, eating it, quickly exits]

Violet Elmweather: What do we eat on this diet?

Midge: Oh, whatever we manage to catch and hide fromBlog.

Violet Elmweather: So what do you do on weekends?

Midge: Oh, well, uh, I diet. And I repack signalflares. [points to the hole in the ice] Look! A char!

Violet Elmweather: A what?

Midge: [rises, excited] An Arctic char! It’s a fishand it tastes great!

Violet Elmweather: Well, I’ll just catch that char andeat it now–

Midge: Oh, no, no, no! I saw that char first. That’smy char.

Violet Elmweather: Uh, that’s my char. Sorry, Ihaven’t eaten in two days.

Midge: No, dear, I haven’t eaten in two years!

Violet Elmweather: Well, I’m sorry, that’s my char!

[The two women fight, kicking and screaming on the icefloor. Dissolve to the TV set in Dr. Cone’s office.The two women are visible on the blue screen,fighting. We pull back to reveal Dr. Cone watching theTV. He turns to address the camera.]

Dr. Cone: This is Phase Two of the diet. The charfight. The subjects release tension and try to figureout new ways of hiding the food they catch from Blog.

[Pull back more to reveal Blog, carrying a pen andclipboard.]

Blog: Of course, Blog knows immediately when thedieters have procured food because he’s alwayswatching them, uh, via closed-circuit cameras. [liftshis hood and goggles, puts a pipe in his mouth andlights it]

Dr. Cone: [to the camera] This is Dr. Mike Blog, ourtop researcher — Blog Diet, Chief of Diet Research, abrilliant digestive scientist.

Blog: [to Dr. Cone] Thank you very much. [looks at TV]Oh, excuse me. I think they’re fighting over the char.I’ll have to take it away from ’em. [sets down pen andclipboard]

Dr. Cone: Okay, Mike.

Blog: Take care.

[Blog exits. Dr. Cone smiles into the camera. Dissolveto the hut where the women hear Blog approaching. Theystop, rise and move to a wall where they try to hidethe food. Blog, wearing goggles and hood, entersbrusquely.]

Blog: Aaaaah! Ooooh! Char?

Midge: No char, Blog! No char!

[But Blog takes the char away from them, drops to hisknees and starts to eat it. The women jump on him andtry to take the char back. As they fight, we pull backto a wider view of the set, revealing that the hut isright next to Dr. Cone’s office. Studio lights hangoverhead.]

Narrator V/O: Yes, a diet where food is hunted andhidden from a nutritionist posing as an Eskimo in thesimulated environment of a secluded ice fishing hut.Only one of the many … [dramatic music] Mysteries inMedicine!

[SUPER: MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE – Dissolve to an evenwider view of the set, cameras, lights and microphonesas seen over the heads of the applauding audience inthe balcony.]

[full dissolve to overhead audience shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… An Apology For What Came Up Last”]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts