Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Mary Richards…..Laraine Newman
Murray Slaughter…..Dan Aykroyd
Ted Baxter…..Steve Martin
Rhoda Morgenstern…..Gilda Radner
Sue Ellen Niven…..Jane Curtin
Lou Grant…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, WJM Newsroom, Mary Richards sitting in front of her typewriter with her head hanging down and a smile on her face. Slow pan right until Murray Slaughter and Ted Baxter enter the room. ]

Murray Slaughter: I know, I know, I know —

Ted Baxter: You know, Murr – it’s really tough out there! [ removes his jacket, hangs it up ] I’ll tell you, Murr – you know, the hardest part of doing the news is, I can’t bend own during it. And sometimes, it’s the only thing on my mind. I’ll be out there doing the show, and I’ll be thinking: “I can’t bend down!” [ a beat ] Hi, Mar! [ glances at the page in her typewriter ] Hey, Mare, you don’t spell “Minnesota” with three 5’s and four 7’s. [ chuckles ] That’s how you spell “Peter.”

Murray Slaughter: Mary? Are you alright? Mary, Mary, what’s wrong?

Ted Baxter: Oh, she’s probably just depressed because she had to wear the same outfit twice in one year!

Murray Slaughter: [ touches Mary’s shoulder ] I don’t think Mary’s depressed, Ted. I think she’s dead!

Ted Baxter: Come on, Murray, she can’t be dead – she’s busy. Dead people are never busy.

Murray Slaughter: Oh, God, Ted! How could this have happened?

Ted Baxter: [ nervous laughter ] I don’t know, Murray. I mean, she was fine this morning when I put that Drano in her coffee for a joke!

Murray Slaughter: Drano?! You put Drano in her coffee?!

Ted Baxter: Well, she was hoarse, and I thought it’d help clean out her pipes! [ chuckles ] Get it?

Murray Slaughter: That stuff’s poison! Don’t you read the label!

Ted Baxter: Yeah, but it got boring.

Murray Slaughter: Mary’s dead, you killed her! Why couldn’t it have been the other way around?

Ted Baxter: Murr, buck up! We’ll all laugh about this later.

Murray Slaughter: Maybe you’ll laugh. But wait’ll Mr. Grant hears about this!

Ted Baxter: Mr. Grant? Well, how’s he gonna hear?

Murray Slaughter: By you telling him!

Ted Baxter: [ nervous, hyperventilating ] But, Murr! I can’t tell him! I could lose my job!

Murray Slaughter: [ dials phone ] Wait’ll the authorities find out.

Ted Baxter: The authorities? Murray, I’ve always wondered – who exactly are they?

Murray Slaughter: The police, the law. They’re gonna slap a prison sentence on you! This is murder!

Ted Baxter: Well, wait, now wait, look, uh.. are you sure she’s dead?

[ Murray touches Mary’s shoulder; her head falls forward ]

Murray Slaughter: Yes, she’s dead! Yes, she’s dead!

Ted Baxter: Well.. for God’s sake, Murray! [ grabs Murray by the collar ] Let’s look up her skirt!

[ Rhoda enters, but doesn’t notice Mary right away ]

Rhoda: Hi, guys! I just flew in from New York!

Ted Baxter: [ panicky ] Rhoda, I can explain everything, uh.. I was trying to commit suicide, and I forgot who I was!

Rhoda: Ted, did anyone ever tell you, with a few minor changes, you could be a lamp? [ now notices that Mary is slumped over ] What’s with Mar?

Murray Slaughter: He killed her!

Rhoda: Oh, no.. Hey, Mar, don’t let it get to you. Think of it this way – death is just God’s way of asking you out!

[ Sue Ellen enters, holding a trayful of tarts ]

Rhoda: Hi, hi! Anybody want to munch on one of my tarts?

Murray Slaughter: I don’t think any of us in a munching mood, Sue Ann! Ted killed Mary!

Sue Ann: Is she dead? Are you sure?

Murray Slaughter: She has no pulse!

Sue Ann: Mary Richards has no pulse. I thought she was the girl who had everything.

Rhoda: Well, how did it happen, anyway?

Murray Slaughter: Ted put Drano in her coffee!

Sue Ann: Drano! Ted, didn’t you know that a little ammonia and water would have done the same job in half the time?

Rhoda: Well, look, I’m leaving. I have better things to do than to sit here and watch my dead friend decompose.

Sue Ann: Ohh, stay and help me plan the funeral. Come on, it’ll be fun!

Ted Baxter: [ enthusiastic ] Yeah!

Murray Slaughter: That’s none of your concern now, Ted! Your concern is telling Mr. Grant!

[ Lou Grant enters from his office ]

Murray Slaughter: And here’s your chance! [ he pushes the nervous Ted forward to Mr. Grant ] Here’s your chance, Ted. Come on, Ted. Come on.

[ Mr. Grant looks at Ted suspiciously ]

Ted Baxter: Hey, Lou! Look how long Mary can hold her breath without stopping!

Murray Slaughter: Ted!

Lou Grant: Alright, what’s going on? What’s this about Mary?

Ted Baxter: I’ll give you a hint. [ pulls his tie up, miming hanging himself ]

Murray Slaughter: Ted – Ted killed her! There was this Drano and this coffee. [ Mr. Grant steps up to Mary’s lifeless body ] Sue Ann and Rhoda are planning the funeral right now!

Sue Ann: Oh, it’ll be a lovely funeral. The theme is: Mary Richards – Heaven Or Hell?

Lou Grant: I don’t want to hear about it now, Sue Ann. [ tugs Mary’s head up, then drops it back onto the typewriter ] Let’s have a moment of silence for Mary.

[ everyone is silent for a few beats, until Ted begins to crack up ]

Ted Baxter: I can’t help it! “Clean out her pipes!” What a great joke!

Lou Grant: Ted!

[ Ted attempts to stifle his laughter ]

Lou Grant: Okay. Now, we have to keep our heads. Mary is dead, but we got a news show to put on, alright? Murray, you write the story. Uh, Ted, you confeess on the air.

Ted Baxter: But everyone will hear me.

Lou Grant: That’s the idea. This is the biggest news story to hit this town in a decade, and we’re gonna break it! We got a killer, we got a motive – by the way, what was the motive?

Ted Baxter: Humor. [ a beat ] Oh, Lou! Don’t make me confess on the air! They’ll send me to jail! I don’t want to go to jail! I look terrible in stripes and big numbers!

Lou Grant: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you killed somebody.

Ted Baxter: Lou! I won’t say it! I won’t say it! I’ll lose half my following!

Lou Grant: Ted! You’ll say it, and you’ll like it!

Ted Baxter: [ begins to whimper like a baby ] Please don’t make me do it! Please don’t make me confess in my own time slot!

Lou Grant: Ted. You will confess here. Or would you rather confess in some dingy little courtroom in a municipal hall, where you won’t have any chance to win the award for Best Reporter, huh? And they won’t let you wear your blazer.

Ted Baxter: My blazer? [ intrigued ] Well, okay.

[ finished writing the story, Murray hands the sheet to Ted ]

Murray Slaughter: Here it is, Ted. Just remember to smile.

[ Ted takes the news copy, and slowly retreats into the On-Air room. Everyone crowds around the TV on the writing desk to watch Ted’s performance ]

Announcer: And now, the WJM Six O’Clock news, with Ted Baxter.

Ted Baxter: The top story tonight – in a case of involuntary man’s laughter.. Man’s laughter. [ clears throat ] Our associate producer, Mary Richards, was killed by.. [ stops, looks at his copy ] Can anyone make out this name? Hmm. [ shaking ] Killed by.. [ smiles, adjusts his tie ] The basically wonderful.. person named.. [ finally realizing an out ] Lou Grant!

Lou Grant: [ watching from the news room, Mr. Grant and the others are disgusted ]

Ted Baxter V/O: Yes! Lou Grant killed Mary Richards, in a ruthless, brutal assault —

[ Mr. Grants turns the TV off ]

Lou Grant: Murray. Get the Drano.

[ Lou and Murray retreat to the On-Air room, as we zoom out ]

[ SUPER: “Coming up Next… Something For Everyone – Except You.” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Jeopardy 1999

Art F-114…..Steve Martin
Danny M-125…..Dan Aykroyd
Laraine A-270…..Laraine Newman
Lee P-413…..Chevy Chase

Announcer: Don’t walk away from your telescreen, because it’s time for the new “Jeopardy 1999”! Now, here’s your host: Art F-114.

Art F-114: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you, Don Pardo! Well, there’s exciting and valuable prizes to be won. Don, will you tell the folks at home who the contestants are?

Announcer: Art, our returning champion is a shredding machine operator from the Ministry of Information, in Sector 427. Welcome back Danny M-125.

Art F-114: Danny, you’ve won over $3 million – what are you going to do with that money?

Danny M-125: Well, they discovered the, uh.. the cure for the disease my mother was dying from.. and I’m going to use the moeny to have her defrosted.

Art F-114: Great, how old will she be?

Danny M-125: 37.

Art F-114: Well, good luck to you! Who’s our next contestant, Don Pardo?

Announcer: She’s a security monitor for the Osaki Kelp Works, a cheerleader for the Rocket Tennis Team, and she enjoys sex. Welcome Laraine A-270.

Art F-114: A-270, huh?

Laraine A-270: That’s right.

Art F-114: That’s funny – you don’t look like an Alpha! [ laughs ] You know.. we always enjoy having test tube babies on our show. Tell us, are you having those headaches we hear so much about?

Laraine A-270: No.. but sometimes my words say in reverse.

Art F-114: Hmm.. Well, good luck to you. Don Pardo, our last contestant?

Announcer: Art, it’s a lobotomist for the Ministry of Love, in Sector 753. Let’s welcome Lee P-413.

Art F-114: Do you have any hobbies, Lee?

Lee P-413: I collect antique sexual devices, Art.

Art F-114: Well, maybe you and Laraine can get together after the show for some sex.

Laraine A-270: Yes.. sounds great.. I’d enjoy it.

Lee P-413: We can do that. That would be great.

Art F-114: Okay! And now, it’s time to play “Jeopardy 1999”! The categories are: “Medicine”.. “Movies”.. “TV”.. “U.S. History”.. “Mutant Viruses”.. and “Nuclear Accidents”. Danny, you’re the champion, so you begin!

Danny M-125: Uh.. U.S. History for $10,000.

Art F-114: Okay! “First President to accidentally kill himself in office.” [ Laraine A-270 buzzes in ] Yes. Laraine?

Laraine A-270: “Who was Gerald Ford?”

Art F-114: I’m sorry, that’s wrong. Remember, it says here: “In office”. [ Lee P-413 buzzes in ] Lee?

Lee P-413: Uh.. “Who was Walter Mondale?”

Art F-114: That’s right! Go ahead, Lee!

Lee P-413: Uh.. Movies for $10,000.

Art F-114: Movies for $10,000: “Major film studio that will change name next year.” [ Laraine A-270 buzzes in ] Laraine?

Laraine A-270: “What is 20th Century Fox?”

Art F-114: That’s right. Go ahead.

Laraine A-270: Okay, Movies for $20,000.

Art F-114: Movies for 20,000: “Original Tidy Bowl man in TV ads, won 8 Oscars.” [ Danny M-125 buzzes in ] Danny?

Danny M-125: “Who was Fred Miltonburg?”

Art F-114: That’s right, that’s right.. Keep on going!

Danny M-125: Uh.. Medicine for $10,000.

Art F-114: Medicine for $10,000: “Legalized in 1983, it eased overpopulation.” [ Danny M-125 buzzes in ] Danny?

Danny M-125: “What is.. baby-killing?”

Art F-114: That’s right, Danny! Okay, go, Danny.

Danny M-125: Uh.. Medicine for $20,000.

Art F-114: Medicine for $20: “First man cloned.” [ Lee P-413 buzzes in ] Lee?

Lee P-413: Uh.. “Who is Fran Tarkenton?”

Art F-114: That’s right. Back to you, Lee.

Lee P-413: I’ll go to Nuclear Accidents, uh.. for $10,000, please.

Art F-114: Nuclear Accidents for $10,000: “In 1981, became first terrorist group to ransom city with plutonium.” [ Danny M-125 buzzes in ] Danny?

Danny M-125: “Who are the Young Republicans?”

Art F-114: That’s right. Go, Danny.

Danny M-125: Uh.. TV for $10,000.

Art F-114: TV for $10,000: “Longest running show on TV.” [ Lee P-413 buzzes in ] Lee?

Lee P-413: Uh.. “What is ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep’?”

Art F-114: That’s right! Alrigh,t Lee, we’re running out of time..

Lee P-413: Okay, uh.. TV for $50,000, please.

Art F-114: TV for $50,000: “Comedian whose career fizzled after leaving ‘NBC’s Saturday Night’.” [ no one buzzes in ] I’m sorry, you took too long. The correct answer is: “Who was Chevy Chase?” Chevy Chase. [ bell rings ] Ah.. there’s the bell telling us it’s time for Final Jeopardy. Now, the Final Jeopardy category is.. “Assassinations”. Now, remember, contestants.. you can wager all or part of your earnings. Lee, you have $10,000; Laraine, $30,000; and, Danny, you have $30,000. Okay, contestants, place your wager. And, while they do, Don Pardo, tell them what they’ll win!

Announcer: Art, all our contestants will receive the Benjamin Pocket-Sized Isolation Tube; privacy is only seconds away with Benjamin. And, for our male contestants, a case of Big Brother Aftershave; women love a man who smells like Big Brother. And, for the lady, the Embryo Accelerator; electromagentic treatments so your child will develop from embryo to adult in 18 weeks: avoid childhood traumas, save time and money; another fine product from the people at ChromoCom. And, what home would be complete without the amazing Laser-Matic; slices, dices and chops, everything from tomatoes to diamonds. And our ocntestants will ease their troubled minds with the new Dial-A-Blank electro-shock kit; forget anything you want with the twist of a dial – so effective, you won’t remember you own own; Dial-A-Blank, from Leisure-tronics. And, our contestants will be taking home.. Mr. Whacky! Rhesus Monkey Pleasure Kit, for the young scientist in the family – monkeys not included, Art.

Art F-114: Thank you, Don Pardo! And, here now, is our Final Jeopardy answer: “He assassinated President Kennedy.” Go!

[ Final Jeopardy music plays, as contestants write down their answers ]

Art F-114: Kennedy. He was President about thirty years ago, wasn’t he? Perhaps you’ve seen something about him on your home entertainment system.. maybe one of you will just get lucky. Well, let’s hope so..

[ Final Jeopardy theme completes ]

Art F-114: Okay, put those pens down! Lee, what’s your answer? “J. Edgar Hoover”. No, I’m sorry, you’re wrong on that – you wagered.. “$10,000”.. that leaves you with nada! Ha ha! Okay, Laraine, your answer is: “Fidel Castro”. No, I’m sorry, you’re wrong. You wagered $15,000 – that leaves you with $15,000. Danny? “Who was Frank Sinatra, Jr.?” That’s a good guess, but, no, I’m sorry, you’re wrong. Let’s see, you wagered.. $10,000 – that leaves you with $20,000! You’re still champion! That’s it for us! The person who killed Kennedy was.. “Lee Harvey Oswald”! That’s “Lee Harvey Oswald”! We’ll see you next week on “Jeopardy 1999”! so long!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

[At home base, Steve Martin faces the camera — butthe cast members standing with him face the oppositeway, their backs to the audience.]

Steve Martin: Hey, we had a good time tonight! [leadsaudience into applause, which drowns out some of hisparting comments – the cast waves and bows in thewrong direction as the SNL Band plays the closingtheme – pull back to reveal the cast waving to homebase with the audience behind them] Thanks a lot! Nextweek, it’s Buck Henry and a band. Oh! THE Band.Take a bow, everybody! I’d like to thank everyone.We had a wonderful time.

[Cut to another view of the cast (plus writer MichaelO’Donoghue) waving in the wrong direction – eventuallythey turn to face the audience – As the credits roll,announcer Don Pardo has a few final words:]

Don Pardo V/O: Next Saturday night, our host will beBuck Henry with his musical guest, The Band. While wehave time, try saying my name ten times real fast,okay? Don Pardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, DonPardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, DonPardo! Very good! This is Ron Darpo saying good night.

[Just before the goodnights end, fellow writer AlanZweibel walks over to O’Donoghue, grabs his arm andclimbs up onto home base to join the cast.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Fido-Flex

Spokesman…..Steve Martin
Model…..Gilda Radner

Spokesman: Are you like most people? Do you long for a German Shephard taht can tell time? Well, help is here!

[ trumpet fanfare ]

Introducting Fido-Flex! The Digital Watchdog! The only watch that nurses its young, and the only dog you can wear underwater! It’s simple: [ demonstrates by pulling each individual ear ] ..pull the dog’s left ear, it tells you the date. Pull the watch’s right ear, it tells you the time. And.. pull the watch’s tail, and it figures out your age in dog years.

It’s durable, too. We took one of these digital watchdogs, and strapped it to the rotor of a speedboat, traveling from New York Harbor to Chesapeake Bay at the speed of 45 knots. And, after 17 hours.. it’s still ticking! Stay!

Fido-Flex! The Digital Watchdog! For the man of the house.. or..

Model: Lady Fido-Flex, for the woman.

Spokesman: The Fido-Flex! The watch that guards itself.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Looks at Books

…..Jane Curtin
Dr. Kaufmann…..Steve Martin

[FADE IN on the usual “Looks at Books” graphic as piano music plays softly, then FADE to Jane Curtin’s face.]

Jane: Good evening, and welcome to “Looks at Books.” I’m Jane Curtin, and our guest tonight has written a most interesting book called, “Sex and Sports.”

[She holds up a book with the title and a stock illustration of a baseball bat and a football inside a basketball hoop.]

Jane: Please welcome Dr. Lloyd Kaufmann. Welcome to our show.

Dr. Kaufmann: [glancing down and smiling] Thank you.

[applause]

Jane: Tell us, Dr. Kaufmann, exactly what is your book about?

Dr. Kaufmann: [in a scholarly voice] Well, I just completed a ten-year study examining the effects that sexual activity has on athletic performance. Now this has been a, uh, controversy for, uh, quite some time–many coaches maintain that abstension is preferable prior to an athletic event, because sex depletes one’s strength; therefore, the athlete doesn’t do as well.

Jane: That’s very interesting. How was this study done?

Dr. Kaufmann: I employed a strict scientific method, uh, using over five hundred athletes, uh, one half of whom did have sex prior to sports, and the others did not. Now this, of course, was all done in complete confidence.

Jane: Did you use anonymous questionnaires, like Kinsey, or did you conduct private conversations, like Masters and Johnson?

Dr. Kaufmann: [a bit sheepishly] No, um, I employed a different kind of method involving, uh, binoculars… and, uh, spending many hours across the street from the subject’s window.

Jane: [evenly] Oh, I see. Your book deals with all sports?

Dr. Kaufmann: Yes, it does.

Jane: And since this is the World Series time, I was especially interested in your chapter called, “Base on Balls.”

[laughter]

Jane: I understand that you brought along some film.

Dr. Kaufmann: Yes, we found that abstension from sex helps one’s athletic performance, and I think these films can show that. [points offstage] Can you roll the films, please?

[CUT to archival footage of Johnny Bench slugging a home run to left off Vida Blue at Riverfront Stadium in Cincinnati against the Oakland A’s, 1972 World Series.]

Dr. Kaufmann: [narrating] Now this batter was coming off a bad season, and he decided to abstain, and it helped his performance remarkably. He hit home runs and was a big help to his team.

[Bench is seen trotting home triumphantly and slapping the hands of the third base coach and the batter on deck.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Very interesting.

Jane: I see he has a lot of–

[CUT abruptly to film of a New York Yankees shortstop charging a ground ball in the infield and wheeling it to first for the out.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Now, here’s a terrific defensive play by someone who took a vow of celibacy after joining a religious cult.

[CUT back to the studio, where Jane and Dr. Kaufmann watch intently for a moment, then turn back to each other. Dr. Kaufmann nervously clears his throat.]

Jane: Now, these men, for one reason or another, abstained from sex.

Dr. Kaufmann: That’s right.

Jane: Now what about the others?

Dr. Kaufmann: Well, I have some film. I have shown that, uh… [muffing his lines] The men who uh, who did abstain were somewhat hampered, and um… as closer, uh, sports got to the athletic event, then their performance would hamper accordingly. [points off camera] So maybe we can roll the film on that, please.

[CUT to film of a New York Mets left fielder running up for a fly ball which lands just in front of his glove and skips far past him.]

Dr. Kaufmann: [over laughter] Now the, uh, left fielder in this had sex one week prior to the big game, as did the pitcher in this play.

[CUT to a Boston Red Sox pitcher charging a dribbler to his right and bobbling it badly. He keeps the ball and turns back to the mound.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Now, this catcher was teased the night before the game…

[CUT to a catcher camping under a pop foul right along the third base line. It falls out of his mitt, and he pounds the mitt in disgust.]

Dr. Kaufmann: And it’s no surprise that these two players here were seen with a few hookers on the way to the ballpark.

[CUT to another clip of a batter hitting a high pop foul just left of home plate. The catcher and third baseman both run for it and converge right in front of the dugout. Both of them lift up their gloves to catch it, but it falls out of the catcher’s mitt just as the third baseman trips him and sends him sprawling. The umpire is seen waving off the play as no catch. CUT to another batter lofting a lazy line drive over the second baseman’s head. The ball rolls straight to the center fielder.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Now, note the center fielder in this play. He visited his wife in the locker room between innings.

[The center fielder bends to scoop up the slow-rolling ball, but misses it and slides down on his butt as the ball continues to roll out toward the fence. He picks up and runs after it. CUT to a batter being hit by a pitch and diving to the dirt in the batter’s box.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Now this is interesting: the girlfriend of this pitcher had sex with this batter during the seventh-inning stretch.

[The batter takes several slow steps toward first, glaring at the pitcher, and then suddenly charges the mound and barrels into him.]

Dr. Kaufmann: [wryly] And with everyone else during the National Anthem.

[CUT to another angle of the brawl as the benches clear and other players try to break it up. FADE back to the studio.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Not a pleasant sight, but still I think it illustrates the results in my findings.

Jane: Very clearly. Thank you very much for joining us, and I’m sure everyone is looking forward to your next study, which is?

[applause]

Dr. Kaufmann: Um… the, uh, next book I’m going to do is titled, “Sex and Sex.”

Jane: Ah.

Dr. Kaufmann: See, I found that if one is going to have sex, his performance will be better if he doesn’t have sex right before doing it.

Jane: I see. Well, thank you again. [to camera] And thank you, and coming up is a film by Gary Weis.

[applause]

Dr. Kaufmann: Say…

[ZOOM OUT as Dr. Kaufmann leans over to Jane and starts rubbing her knee suggestively. She looks down in disbelief and then smiles timidly. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Autumn in New York

[FADE IN on Gary Weis standing in front of a window inside a skyscraper which looks out on the Manhattan skyline. He is wearing a dark leisure suit with a burgundy shirt underneath. The collar stands out prominently.]

Weis:
Up here, on the 27th floor,
I look down on the city I hate and adore.

[CUT to Weis standing under a marqee advertising “NEW YORK’S FINEST ADULT BOOK STORE… 25¢ MOVIE ARCADE. He starts lip-synching to the old standard, “Autumn in New York.”]

Weis: “It’s autumn in New York…”

[After Weis walks away, a long-haired man in a green parka strolls toward the camera arm-in-arm with someone who looks androgynous, in a denim jacket and a stocking cap.]

Man on Left: “That brings the promise of new love…”

[They amble past the camera, and then CUT to Weis lip-synching in front of a store window labeled, “BADLANDS.”]

Weis: “Aaaaauuuuutumn in New York…”

[CUT to a curly-headed man in sunglasses and a leather jacket who rounds the corner of the store with a dog on a leash. He lip-synchs to a woman’s voice.]

Man: “It’s often mingled with pain.”

[HOLD on this man for a moment, then CUT to a pretzel vendor in a stocking cap standing next to his cart.]

Vendor: “Glittering crowds and shimmering clouds…”

[CUT to a cab driver in sunglasses as he leans out the driver’s side window in the middle of the street. Buses stream through the intersection a few cars ahead.]

Cabbie:
“And canyons of steel,
They’re making me feel
I’m home…”

[CUT to a flag reading, “The New York Stock Exchange.” Frank Sinatra can be heard singing, “Dreamers with empty hands…” PAN down to a blond-haired man walking down the sidewalk in a powder blue suit and a white tie. He carries a white briefcase and lip-synchs as he saunters gracefully past.]

Pedestrian: “They sigh for exotic lands.”

[CUT to Weis wearing the same outfit and leaning against a lamppost in Central Park.]

Weis: “Autumn in New York…”

[CUT to a long shot of a crowded sidewalk. An older man in a trenchcoat and another in a Yankees warmup jacket are among the pedestrians, several of whom stare blankly at the camera. An easy-listening chorus resembling Fred Waring and His Pennsylvanians sings on the background track.]

Chorus: “It’s good to live it agaaaaaaaaainnnnn…”

[CUT to a younger man in a thick beard and a red windbreaker sitting next to a white-haired lady on a park bench. They lip-synch to tracks of a man and a woman, respectively.]

Man: “Lovers that pass the dark…”

Woman: “On benches in Central Paaa-aaaark…”

[CUT to a deserted park pathway. The singer on the track croons, “Greet autumn in New Yoooo-oooooooork…” CUT to Weis standing on a ferry in the same suit with a polar bear head costume over his head. He nods slowly in time to Johnny Mathis’s voice on the track.]

Johnny Mathis: “It’s good to live it again.”

[PAN over to the Manhattan skyline as seen from the river as Weis steps out of the shot. FADE to the applauding studio audience. ZOOM in on a young blonde woman in a brown-red sweater and SUPERIMPOSE, “WONDERING WHAT TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT.” She acknowledges the camera shyly and continues to clap. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 23rd, 1976

Steve Martin

Kinky Friedman

None

None

Al Franken

Michael O’Donoghue

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Alan Zweibel

World Series LossSummary: After the New York Yankees lose the World Series, the coach (Dan Aykroyd) apologizes for the loss. Showing no hard feelings, one ballplayer (Chevy Chase) kicks the coach’s stool out and hangs him.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin goofs around for a bit, demonstrates his banjo-playing skills, then gets mad at the control room.

Bio: Steve Martin (1945-). Actor/writer; Emmy-winning writer for “The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour” in the 1960’s; performed absurd stand-up comedy throughout the 1970’s; has hosted “Saturday Night Live” a record total of 14 times; films include: “The Jerk”, “Three Amigos”.

Transcript

Speak Out For MilkSummary: Chevy Chase requires multiple takes to send the right message across.

Transcript

Jeopardy! 1999Summary: In a parody of the sci-fi series “Space: 1999”, game show contestants of the distant future provide an amusing glimpse of recent historical events.

Transcript

Kinky Friedman performs “Dear Abbie”Bio: Kinky Friedman (1944-); Singer/writer; former frontman for The Texas Jewboys; author of humor-themed mystery novels, in which he wrote himself as a former country musician/amateur detective and included the likenesses of personal friends as his regular cast of characters; announced his candidacy for governor of Texas in 2005.

Note: This song refers to 60’s activist Abbie Hoffman, who later figures heavily in the flashback mystery “Blast From the Past.”

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Real footage from the Ruben Carter trial makes up supposed renderings from a Weekend Update staff artist who snuck in. After praising her recent substitute anchoring duties, Chevy Chase makes faces during Jane Curtin’s commentary on the dangers of fluorocarbon. A wandering snacker (Al Franken) reads over Chevy’s shoulder as he delivers a news story.

Transcript

Fido-FlexSummary: Pitchman (Steve Martin) advertises the product that’s a dog and a watch all in one!

Transcript

Plato’s CaveSummary: A blind guitar-playing Negro (Garrett Morris) and a poet (Steve Martin) is among the anti-Establishment performers at a beatnik bar during the 1950’s.

Note: Don Pardo has considerable trouble matching names with the correct text as their fates are described at the end.

Transcript

Looks At BooksSummary: Jane Curtin interviews “Sex & Sports” author, Dr. Lloyd Kaufman (Steve Martin), who shares his research findings and filmed footage on the link between abstinence and sports.

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Autumn In New YorkSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, he and other New Yorkers lip-synch covers of “Autumn In New York” while wandering the city.

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The Mary Tyler Moore ShowSummary: Ted Baxter’s (Steve Martin) Drano-in-coffee prank on Mary Richards (Laraine Newman) ends in an unexpected catatrosphe.

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Mysteries In MedicineSummary: A profile of the new Blog Diet plan, in which a faux Eskimo (John Belushi) steals food from dieters (Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman) secluded in the wilderness.

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Steve Martin Stand-UpSummary: Steve Martin’s topics range from his mother to the destruction of Earth.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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  Season 2: Episode 4

76d: Karen Black / John Prine

Karen Black’s Monologue

…..Karen Black

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — Karen Black!

[ Karen Black enters the stage holding her infant son, Hunter, who seldom removes his hand from the firm of Black’s left breast ]

Karen Black: Thank you! Well, I’m very excited to be here tonight. So’s my son, Hunter. [ she acknowledges the child in her arms ] This is Hunter! Actually, we both slept all day… so we could be up for the show tonight. No, he’s actually always up this late. He smokes cigars, too! You know, I take motherhood very seriously. When I was pregnant, I read everything you could read about babies and mtoherhood. I read every paper and article. So, now, I know quite a bit about motherhood, and about mothers.

For instance, did you know what the very first mothers were like? Well, the first mother were primitive by our standards. They were often made from nothing more but bits of bark and cloth! [ reveal image ] Yes, they were crude mothers, but they were — [ the audience laughs as Hunter pats Black’s left breast ]

And, yet, as early as 550 B.C., man had progressed to the horse-drawn mother. [ reveal image ] As shown here in this artist’s cnception of an early Greek fresco.

The Dark Ages saw few improvements in the mother, and it wasn’t until the Renaissance that the REAL advances were made. Beginning with the — uhhh — [ Hunter shifts his body so he can wrap his mouth around Black’s right breast for a feed ] Just a minute, darling… Beginning with the Moveable Type Mother. [ reveal image ] Suddenly, mothers were available to EVERYONE — the common man, not just the privileged few rich enough to afford one. [ Hunter begins to grope Black’s right breast, so she lifts him up to her left shoulder; the audience applauds wildly ] Thank you!

With the Industrial Age came the steam-operated mother. [ reveal image ] She was more durable, more efficient, and she was easier to keep clean.

Minor improvements continued to be made, and mothers became more lifelike each passing year. But it took Thomas Alva Edison to put a twinkle in her eye, with the incandescence mother. [ reveal image of mother with lightbulb head ] Now you could read by mothers and see them more easily at night — but they did attract moths.

Invention followed invention, sometimes with disastrous results. Some of you in this audience may have had some of those early, awful celluloid mothers — later recalled because of their tendancy to burst into flames. [ reveal image of flaming mother ] I, myself, was fortunate enough to have one of the gas-turbine mothers of the 1950’s — [ reveal image ] Now considered cumbersome and old-fashioned next to today’s 100% solid-state, all-transistorized mothers with deep shag tile. [ reveal image ]

[ “Thus Spake Zarathustra” pots up in the background ]

As to the mothers of the future? …Well, I have a dream. I dream one day that my child, Hunter, will live to see mothers die in space! [ reveal image of two mothers above the Earth ] We’ll be right back!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 4

76d: Karen Black / John Prine

Lunch Counter Reunion

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Ralph Bort … Dan Aykroyd
Patty Rivers … Jane Curtin
Waitress … Gilda Radner

[The lunch counter at Woolworth’s department store, alittle before one o’clock in the afternoon. Two adultssit together, having just eaten: a man and a woman,smoking cigarettes. A waitress removes their platesand brings them coffee. The man is boisterous andenthusiastic. The woman is distinctly uncomfortable.The scene opens in mid-conversation:]

Ralph Bort: [laughing] But – but weren’t ya – weren’tya sort of embarrassed, you know, every time yourunderpants showed when you did a cartwheel? I mean, Imean, I knew they matched your cheerleading skirt andall that but you must’ve been embarrassed from time totime. Ha!

Patty Rivers: Well, I–

Ralph Bort: Maybe … you sort of liked it. Yeah, yousort of liked it. Huh! I guess that’s it. You sort ofliked it. [laughs]

Patty Rivers: I really didn’t–

Ralph Bort: That’s something, you know? After tenwhole years, finding out the captain of the highschool cheerleading team really liked her underpantsshowing. [laughs]

Patty Rivers: They were supposed to show. They matchedthe outfit. They were supposed to show, okay?

Ralph Bort: Well, okay, okay, Patty Rivers!

Patty Rivers: I wish you wouldn’t say my name so much.

Ralph Bort: Oh, I like saying it. It reminds me I’mtalkin’ to ya. I, Ralph Bort — “B. O.” Bort talkingto you, Patty Rivers! And to think in high school, Iwas scared of you, y’know? I was scared of you — butnow we’re just regular people, just adults, just youand me here. [laughs]

Patty Rivers: Yeah. Yeah.

Ralph Bort: You still – you still don’t remember me,do ya? [laughs] Here – here’s a hint! [covers mouthwith hands, imitates a filtered voice] Testingone-two-three! Testing one-two-three!

Patty Rivers: I give up.

Ralph Bort: Captain of the audiovisual squad! Sevenguys who really gave a damn if the mikes had feedbackin the gym. And in the auditorium.

Patty Rivers: Really?

Ralph Bort: We were the backbone of those pep rallies.You were the underpants! [laughs]

Patty Rivers: Listen, I – I really have to get back.My lunch hour is over. I just can’t stay here–

Ralph Bort: Hey! Hey! Relax! I’m tight with the crowdat Fanny Farmer, I’ll vouch for ya.

Patty Rivers: Well, okay.

Ralph Bort: After all, how many reunions do you havein your lifetime? Five, ten, fifteen, twenty,twenty-five, thirty, forty?

Patty Rivers: I don’t know.

Ralph Bort: Running into each other at the lunchcounter at Woolworth’s! Can you imagine what might nothave happened if I didn’t ask you for the salt?

Patty Rivers: I’m due back at one.

Ralph Bort: Five minutes! You can talk five minutesabout old times! High school!

Patty Rivers: We didn’t have any old times.

Ralph Bort: We went to the same high school, didn’twe? We went to the same lockers. You know, I forgot totell you this. I had your old junior year locker in mysenior year ’cause I found this, uh, this piece ofcrepe paper, you know, like from one of your, uh, yourpompons, you know, and I saved it.

Patty Rivers: Why?

Ralph Bort: It was something to save! Something tokeep! A memory! A souvenir! I couldn’t take home anymicrophones. I couldn’t take home those filmstrips on,uh, Guatemala. Imports, exports, bushels of wheat.[imitates narrator] “Guatemala, your downstairsneighbor!” Remember that? I showed that filmstripabout fifty times in four years. Guatemala,Guatemalans — who cares? You didn’t have thatproblem, though. You probably had lots of souvenirs.You probably took a lot home, didn’t ya?

Patty Rivers: Yes, I did.

Ralph Bort: Well, like what?

Patty Rivers: My pompons, my cheerleading letter, my -my Homecoming crown–

Ralph Bort: Homecoming! I – I went to a Homecoming …after I was in Nam. I was in Nam. Know what I didthere?

Patty Rivers: What?

Ralph Bort: Would you believe … FIGHT?! You know whyI said that? I wanted you to ask me that so I couldsay “Would you believe …?” Remember? I started thatin our high school. I was the one who said, “Would youbelieve …?” first! I started “Would you believe…?” It was all over the country but I started it inour high school. I started “Would you believe …?” Istarted that. Heh! You know, those words would’venever come out of your mouth, you know, if – if Ididn’t say “Would you believe …?” You know? Thatreally gets me sometimes that I started that, youknow? I started “Would you believe …?” And thosewords would’ve never come out of your mouth, if Ididn’t start that! Huh! Damn! [laughs] Nam! I was inNam. Know what I did in Nam? I ran the movieprojector. Showed “Blue Hawaii,” “True …” — youknow — “… Grit,” all those movies, you know? Whatabout you?

Patty Rivers: What about me?

Ralph Bort: Yeah, what have you done since highschool? I wanna know. I’m interested.

Patty Rivers: Well, I went to college. I got married.I got divorced. Now, I’m living with my parents–

Ralph Bort: Yeah! I heard about that! Getting divorced– I heard about that. My mom sent me something overin Nam, a little item in the newspaper, you know?Well, don’t worry about it, I mean, they weren’ttalking about it in Nam, you know. They had otherthings to worry about.

Patty Rivers: Well, that’s it for me. I really–

Ralph Bort: I went to community college for two years.I started the AV squad there. It was sort of mybrainchild. “Brainchild” — there’s a word I neverused in high school, you know? Some people used thatword, I never used that word. Only when I started, uh,you know, managing the tire department over at Sears,I started using “brainchild.” I got the job, tiremanager over there. It’s terrific, you know, I worknine to five, five days a week. I never thought Icould get into it, you know, but I do – I do it, youknow? I play a lot of poker on weekends, though. A lotof poker! Maybe too much poker, you know?! But I’mreal busy.

Patty Rivers: Look, it’s been really nice but I haveto get back–

Ralph Bort: Hey! You smoke cigarettes! What kind?

Patty Rivers: Menthol.

Ralph Bort: I smoke menthol 100s. I love ’em! I likethe taste! I like menthol! Isn’t that something? Whoever thought we were gonna grow up like this and I’dbe sitting next to you, you smoking cigarettes? It’samazing! It’s just amazing! What kind of car youdrive? I got a Chevy Nova, you know. A tachometer. Igot rally stripes, baby moon. I got, uh, CB radio,tape deck. I got all of that in there. I got, uh,factory air conditioning, too, you know? I wouldn’ttake it without the air. What kind of car do youdrive?

Patty Rivers: Toyota.

Ralph Bort: Ahhh, you worry about pollution, huh?

Patty Rivers: Well, I–

Ralph Bort: I do, too! You know, I worry aboutpollution, too. But I’m pretty busy, you know. I’m–When I’m not playing poker or managing the tiredepartment over there, you know– I – I worry aboutpollution. Actually, it’s not what you’d call, really,like, worrying, you know, it’s like – it’s like – it’slike – it’s what you’d call, like, thinking … aboutpollution, you know, like– ? Yeah. Yeah, that’s it!It’s – it’s – it’s what you’d call thinking aboutpollution.

Patty Rivers: Look, I’ve really got to go.

Ralph Bort: Isn’t this something, though? Both of usare adults! Both of us adults, here, equals, you know?It’s not like high school. In high school, there wereall those levels, you know, groups. Some people werenothing, you know? Some people were something. Moresomething. Right up to the big shots. But, in life, itall evens out! We’re adults! We both lived, donethings, you know? You’ve lived! I’ve lived! You know,like you were married, divorced. I was in Nam. Youknow, here you are smoking cigarettes, you know? You,in high school with your underpants showing. Me,watching. Things are different! Things are reallydifferent now! I could even ask you out now, couldn’tI?

Patty Rivers: [gives him a sharp look, after a pause]No.

[She rises, slaps some change down on the counter,takes her receipt, and walks off. He calls after her.]

Ralph Bort: Hey – hey, I’ll call ’em at Fanny Farmer.I – I’ll explain to them that you’re gonna be late.[to the waitress who clears away his coffee cup andwipes the counter with a rag] I – I – I know themthere, at Fanny Farmer. I know them.

[The waitress hands him his receipt. He inspects itclosely, rises, and reaches into his pocket formoney.]

Submitted Anonymously

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  Season 2: Episode 4

76d: Karen Black / John Prine

Green Cross Cupcakes

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Wife … Karen Black
Husband … John Belushi
Scientist … Chevy Chase
Technicians … Al Franken, Tom Davis
Announcer … Dan Aykroyd

[Kitchen. Wife pours coffee for husband who sits attable, reading a newspaper and eating a cupcake. Thecupcake has white frosting with two lines of greenicing forming a cross on top.]

Husband: Mmmm! Honey! These cupcakes are delicious.

Wife: Oh, yes, they are, dear. And, you know, theydon’t cause cancer.

Husband: What?

Wife: I said, they don’t cause cancer … [addressesthe audience] … because these are Green CrossCupcakes. You see, the folks down at Gamma RayLaboratories fed these cupcakes to rats for fiveyears. And here are the results … [as the wordsTRUTH IN ADVERTSING flash onscreen, she walks off andinstantly returns, wheeling in a large cage containingsquealing jumbo white rats — and a handful of GreenCross Cupcakes] Dozens of cancer-free rats. Yes, allof them lived, except one that got his little headcaught between the bars.

Husband: [rises, peers into cage] You mean, all of ’emate only cupcakes?

Wife: Yes — [the words TRUTH IN ADVERTSING flashonscreen again] — that and a little bit of the woodchips found in their cages. But why take my word forit? See for yourself.

[Dissolve to a graphic reading: Documented Footagefrom the Gamma Ray Bakery-Laboratories. Dissolve tothe lab. We see about forty wire cages filled withscreaming white rats. A red light flashes off and on,plunging the lab into near-darkness with an eerie redglow. A nasty, ear-splitting buzzer sounds with everyflash. Two zombie-like technicians, wearing lab coatswith a green cross on the sleeve, plus masks andgloves and caps that cover every inch of their bodies,walk sloooooowly and haltingly past the cages carryinga stretcher loaded with a pile of exposed Green CrossCupcakes. Dissolve back to the kitchen where thehusband regards a cupcake in his hand.]

Husband: Mmph. No cancer, huh? I guess I’ll tryanother delicious Green Cross Cupcake. In fact, I’llhave as many as I like. [stuffs the entire cupcake inhis mouth]

Wife: [to the camera] Why not take a tip from thesejumbo rats and treat your family to the safe cupcake?

Scientist: [enters and addresses camera as the wordsTRUTH IN ADVERTISING flash onscreen again] Hi. I’m ascientist. Under the “Truth in Advertising” law, I’mobliged to point out that there’s no evidence linkingcupcakes and cancer. None whatsover. Not evenremotely. [glances at cupcakes] But five years fromnow, who knows? [with a smile] Bye. [exits]

Wife: Headlines are so frightening, I can’t even readthe damn paper any more. All I know is I have to takecare of my family and do what’s best for them so Isay: Why take chances when it comes to cupcakes? Feed’em Green Cross Cupcakes, the safe cupcakes.Cancer-freeness never tasted so good.

[Husband winks as he devours another cupcake, nearlywhole. Pan down to the cage of rats enjoying theircupcakes.]

Announcer: Dogs love ’em, too! Woof! Woof!

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