Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 4

76d: Karen Black / John Prine

Debate ’76

Ann Wrabel…..Karen Black
Liz Montgomery…..Jane Curtin
Earl Rowland…..Garrett Morris
Marilyn Kraus…..John Belushi
President Gerald R. Ford…..Chevy Chase
Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: And now, the three television networks join with the League of Women Voters to bring you “Debate ’76”.

Ann Wrabel: Good evening. I’m Ann Wrabel, your moderator for this third televised debate between President Gerald R. Ford… [ show Ford standing on the side of his podium, before taking his correct position and revealing a syringe poking his left arm ] and the Democratic nominee for president, Georgia governor Jimmy Carter. Now I will introduce the three journalists who will be asking the questions tonight: Earl Rowland of the Chicago Tribune, author of “Minorities in Politics”… [ reveal Earl ] Liz Montgomery of the New York Post, author of “Women in Politics”… [ reveal Liz ] and Marilyn Kraus of the Rolling Stone Magazine, author of “Transexuals in Politics”. [ reveal Marilyn snorting a bag of cocaine ] Because this is the last of these historic debates, we will begin with our National Anthem.[ the National Anthem plays. The journalists stand in respect, as Ford hits his buzzer ]

President Gerald R. Ford: I can name that tune in… four notes!

Ann Wrabel: No… no…

President Gerald R. Ford: “Star Spangled Banner”!

Ann Wrabel: No, Mr. President…

President Gerald R. Ford: Nope? “Battle Hymn of the Republic”? How about “I Gotta Be Me”?

Jimmy Carter: No. “I Gotta Be Me” goes, uh: “I gotta be… when I’m right… uh… when I’m wrong…”

Ann Wrabel: Let’s just forget the National Anthem, and move right into the body of our debate. Mr. Rowland, a question for Governor Carter.

Earl Rowland: Yeah, uh — Governor Carter, since after the last debate you have been criticized for not answering the questions directly, uh, keeping this in mind, why do you oppose the B-1 Bomber?

Jimmy Carter: Well, Mr. Rowland, that’s a very complicated issue, and I’d like to break the question down into two parts, if I might. Uh: the first part, of course, is the, um, the eternal question “Why?” which has plagued philosophers from Socrates to Thomas Aquinas to Bob Dylan. Now, I could not begin to answer that question in the alloted time here. Of course, the second part of the question is “Do I oppose the B-1 Bomber?” Yes.

[ buzzer sounds ]

Ann Wrabel: Ms. Montgomery, a question for Governor Ford — uh, I’m sorry, President Ford.

Liz Montgomery: Yes. Uh, Mr. President, this week you admitted making a mistake in the last debate, when you asserted that Eastern Europeans are autonomous and independent, and that they don’t consider themselves dominated by the Soviet Union. Certainly, anyone can crack under the pressure of the debates and say something incredibly dumb. To set the record straight, would you describe what you saw in your last visit to Poland?

President Gerald R. Ford: Well, Ms. Ma-ma-mon… Montgomery… gomery. Last year I visited the capital of Poland… and let me just say from the outset that Milwaukee is a beautiful city. And I sense they’re… very independent and autonomous in spirit, much, uh, much like the voters of our northwestern and northeastern urban centers. Because of Soviet domination, the Poles don’t seem to have the equipment, uh, take for granted — that WE take for granted here in the, uh… great United States. [ he fumbles with his papers ] Excuse me! I’ll never forget — I was in my hotel room there in, uh, Milwaukee… my light bulb failed me. Well, I climbed on the desk, and, of course, I had to call on a few Secret Service men to come in and… spin that desk around, while I… put the bulb in.

[ buzzer sounds ]

President Gerald R. Ford: Excuse me!

Ann Wrabel: Madam Kraus, a question for Governor Carter?

Marilyn Kraus: Uhh… yes, uh… [ sniffs ] Excuse me. Uhhh… Mr. Carter, you’ve been criticized by President Ford for making, uh, unfairly bitter personal attacks on him. Now, how do you answer this charge, Sir?

Jimmy Carter: Bitter? Um… Mr. Kraus, in the 1930’s in New York, a man criticized his opponents for their bitter personal attacks on him, and that man was Adolph Hitler. Now, Adolph hiter was responsible for the deaths of over fifty million people during World War 2. Now, I don’t believe that Mr. Ford would purposely KILL fifty million people… but his lack of leadership may lead to a total fiery, demonic HOLOCAUST!

[ buzzer sounds ]

Ann Wrabel: President Ford? Rebuttal?

President Gerald R. Ford: Well, once again, Mr. Carter’s playing fast and loose with his figures. During Word War 2, of course, only forty million people were killed.

[ buzzer sounds, causing Frod to poke himself in the face with a pencil ]

Ann Wrabel: A question for the President?

Earl Rowland: [ taking the ball ] Yeah, uh… how about Chile, you know, where, in 1973, the State Department, under the direction of Dr. Kissinger, helped overthrow the Democratic Allende government and replaced it with a brutal military dictatorship, which you now support, and which tortures THOUSANDS of political prisoners.

President Gerald R. Ford: Well, now, Mr. Rooo-owland… Chiles are an independent and autonomous people, and they don’t consider being beaten with rubber crunches to BE a torture! Why, just the other day I talked on the phone to the dictator of Chile, and he assured me that Chiles certainly do not believe that having electrodes placed between your genitals means you’re under donimation. [ turns to Carter ] Care for some water, Governor?

Jimmy Carter: Thank you.

President Gerald R. Ford: Certainly. [ he pours the glass in front of him, but the water appears to go through the bottom of the glass ]

Jimmy Carter: Uh —

Liz Montgomery: Uh, excuse me, Mr. President, uh — uh — Mr. President? I would like to ask Governor Carter a question, if I may.

[ Ford drops the pitcher and glasses to the floor ]

Liz Montgomery: Governor Carter, you have said that the Playboy interview may have been a mistake. Do you think you were being too honest with the American people, and do you still lust after women?

Jimmy Carter: Well, I — I don’t think there’s such a thing as being too honest, Ms. Montgomery… and, just to prove it, I’m gonna answer honestly how I feel right now. I want to say that you’re a very attractive woman… and your hair looks kind of silky and kind of soft, and, uh — at this moment in my heart… I’m wearing a leather mask and breathing in your ear.

[ buzzer sounds, as Carter continues to stare lustily at Liz Montgomery ]

Ann Wrabel: President Ford, uh… rebuttal?

President Gerald R. Ford: Well, of course, as you know, I have only lusted after two women in my life. They are, of course, my lovely wife, Betty, and my lovely mother. Mom.

[ buzzer sounds ]

Ann Wrabel: Marilyn Kraus, a question for the President?

Marilyn Kraus: Uh — [ coughs ] Yes. [ he sniffs ] Uh, Mr. President… uh, just last week you were absolved of any guilt connected with your Congressional campaign funds. However, you do admit receiving paid vacations from United States steel lobbyists. What is your “relationship” with these “captains of industry”, sir?

President Gerald R. Ford: [ snoring, then looks up ] Yes. Well. On that point, Mr. Kake… Kate… Kathans… Kraus. Mr. Kraus. People in U.S. Steel are clearly an independent and autonomous people, and I don’t think they consider themselves a political payoff people. [ he stares without blinking ]

Ann Wrabel: [ stumbling on her lines ] Uh — uh, gentlemen — I — I’m very sorry, but we’ve reached the… end… of our question-and-answer period. We just have time for your concluding statements, if you would, please?

[ both candidates give their concluding statements simultaneously ]

Jimmy Carter: The purpose of these debates —

President Gerald R. Ford: America’s future is brighter than ever —

[ their words indistinguishable, the debate theme music pops up, along with the following SUPERS:

Ford-Carter Debates Sponsored by THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS
MAMIE EISENHOWER,
Honorary Chairperson ]

[ credits scroll, including:

President Ford Assisted to the Stage by Tony Orlando

President Ford’s Wardrobe by MISTAKE

Governor Carter’s Makeup by MICK JAGGER

Coffee Provided by JOE DIMAGGIO ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 4

76d: Karen Black / John Prine

Wheelchair Bound Chevy

…..Jane Curtin
…..John Belushi
…..Chevy Chase

Jane Curtin: As some of you may know, on the first show of the season, Chevy Chase injured himself taking a fall. Now, he’s been sick for quite a while, but he’s here with us tonight! [ morosely ] Of course… that means I probably won’t be doing “Update” any more — I did start getting letters. But… Chevy insisted on coming back, even though his doctor said, “No, Chevy. We think you’re crazy because you’re not well enough.” But he HAS to come back, because he has something very important that he wants to say to each and every one of you. Ladies and gentlemen — Chevy Chase!

[ the audience cheers, as John Belushi wheels a despondent Chevy onto the stage ]

John Belushi: You’re on, Chevy.

[ Chevy moans inaudibly ]

John Belushi: Come on, come on…

[ Chevy moans inaudibly ]

John Belushi: Get UP! Come on!

[ John flips the wheelchair forward, shoving Chevy to the floor beneath the apron of the stage ]

[ Chevy picks himself up and faces the camera ]

Chevy Chase: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 4

76d: Karen Black / John Prine

A*M*I*S*H

Eleazer…..Chevy Chase
Elizabeth…..Jane Curtin
Churn…..John Belushi
Teller…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on interior, Amish kitchen after lunch ]

Eleazer: A boundrous repast, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: I shall clear now.

[ as Elizabeth clears the table, Eleazer sits in a rocking chair by the window, puts on his reading glasses and opens the newspaper ]

Churn: The wheat has been cut and shucked. Threshing has started. It is the Lord’s way. Yesterday we planted; today we reap that which was planted. To everything there is a season.

Eleazer: Turn, turn, turn!

Churn: A time for every purpose under Heaven.

Eleazer: A time to be born, a time to die.

Churn: A time to plant… a time to reap.

[ Elizabeth joins them, and sits ]

Elizabeth: A time to kill, a time to heal.

Eleazer: A time to laugh, a time to weep.

Churn: To everything…

Eleazer: Turn, turn, turn.

Elizabeth: [ as she knits ] There is a season.

Eleazer: Turn… turn, turn. [ he opens his newspaper ]

Churn: [ glancing at the reverse page ] Behold! A bank has been heldeth up.

[ music sting ]

Elizabeth: Where at?

Eleazer: [ he turns the newspaper over to read the story ] Lancaster. About thirty miles east of here.

Churn: We are needed.

Eleazer: [ he puts the newspaper down ] Let us roll. [ he removes his glasses ]

[ the three of them grab their hats and head outdoors ]

[ dissolve to the three of them walking down the road ]

Announcer: Jacob people, linking the way we were with the way we used to be. Temperance, but with a purpose. They’re young. They’re cops. They’re Pennsylvania Dutch.

[ reveal a close-up of each, over SUPER: ]

Announcer: Chevy Chase stars as Eleazer Clinton.

…Jane Curtin as Elizabeth Yoders.

…and John Belushi as Churn.

[ return to the threesome walking down the road ]

Announcer: A team of… Active… Mormonites… In… Search of… Harmony.

[ the initials read: A*M*I*S*H ]

Announcer: They’re… A*M*I*S*H!

[ dissolve to the threesome stopping by a campfire for the night and eating berries ]

Churn: Mmm… tasty berries.

Elizabeth: I picked them along the way.

Eleazer: Bring us some more of that fine cornbread, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Yes, Eleazer. [ she exits ]

Eleazer: [ looking in her wake ] She’s a good woman.

Churn: She’s 14. I wonder why she never married?

[ return to the threesome walking down the road ]

[ dissolve to the threesome walking along a city street ]

[ Eleazer pushes the “Walk Light” button on a post ]

[ they wait until traffic stops, and finally they are able to cross the street to the bank ]

[ they enter the bank, then casually stand in line to wait their turn with a teller ]

[ at last, their wait is through. They approach the teller ]

Teller: Yes? May I help you?

Eleazer: Yes. We read there had been some trouble. We were concerned, so we have journeyed here to offer our help. We are the A*MI*S*H.

Elizabeth: The Lord guideth us to your window.

Teller: Uhh — what kind of trouble, uh — ?

Churn: The… bank robbery. We read about it in the paper.

Teller: [ thinking ] Well, uh… the bank robbery was last Tuesday.

Eleazer: The EVIL DOER shall be stricken and FALL, like unto the overripe fig! So sayeth the Lord! [ a beat ] May we be of some help?

Teller: Uhhhh — no, I… I think everything’s under control. The, uh… the robbers were caught… uhhh, they were arraigned yesterday, I think, and, uh… they’re gonna be up for trial on Friday.

Eleazer: Well, then. Our work is done.

[ title card appears, as they prepare their exit ]

Announcer: Next week on “A*M*I*S*H”: “The Other Cheek”. Watch for it.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


October 16th, 1976

Karen Black

John Prine

None

George Schultz

Vance Degeneres

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Paul Shaffer
Wheelchair Bound ChevySummary: Jane Curtin introduces an ailing Chevy Chase back to the show, then John Belushi shoves him out of his wheelchair.

Transcript

Montage

Karen Black’s MonologueSummary: Karen Black shows off her son, Hunter, a hungry tyke in his own right, and discusses the innovations that have improved motherhood over the years.

Bio: Karen Black (1939-). Actress/screenwriter/singer/songwriter; films include: “Easy Rider” (1969), “Five Easy Pieces” (1971), “The Day of the Locust” (1975), “Nashville” (1975), “Family Plot” (1976), “Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean” (1982).

Also Hosted: 80g.

Transcript

Baba Wawa At LargeSummary: Barbara Walters (Gilda Radner) interviews Indira Gandhi (Laraine Newman).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Indira Gandhi.

Debate ’76Summary: Presidnt Gerald R. Ford (Chevy Chase) and Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) debate numerous topics.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter.

John Prine performs “Hello In There”Bio: John Prine (1946-). Country/folk singer-songwriter; discovered by Kris Kristofferson.

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

Triple-TracSummary: The three-blade razor is designed for people who’ll believe anything they see.

Note: Repeat from 75a.

Green Cross CupcakesSummary: Per the rules of truth-in-advertising laws, these cupcakes really are cancer-free.

Transcript

A*M*I*S*HSummary: Slow-moving Amish crimefighters (Chevy Chase, John Belushi, Jane Curtin) are too late to have made a difference in a bank robbery they read about days earlier.

Transcript

Love, Russian StyleSummary: Catherine the Great (Karen Black) takes a horse for her lover.

Nightclub OwnerSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Pips Comedy Club owner George Schultz tells jokes and talks about his the club he founded in Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn in 1962.

John Prine performs “The Bottomless Lake”

Lunch Counter ReunionSummary: High school nerd Ralph Bort (Dan Aykroyd) runs into head cheerleader Patti Rivers (Jane Curtin) at the lunch counter at Woolworth’s.

Transcript

The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: In a home movie by Walter Williams, Clayman Mr. Bill suffers while en route to a party held by Vance Degeneres.

Karen Black performs “Ten Cents A Dance”

A Musical Tribute to American CoinageSummary: Garrett Morris sings “Pennies From Heaven”; Chevy Chase sings “Music! Music! Music!”; Dan Aykroyd sings “Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?”; John Belushi sings “One More For the Road”, as an on-screen crawl lists his petty thefts of small change around the office.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Pong

…..Al Franken
…..Tom Davis

[ open on Pong video screen, as Al Franken and Tom Davis speak from offscreen ]

Al Franken: Aw, nuts! It always seems like I fall behind at the beginning, and then I never catch up.

Tom Davis: Yeah, I know.

Al Franken: Well, there’s one, right through a hole.

Tom Davis: Hey, how’d you do on that Math Psy. quickie quiz today?

Al Franken: Oh, I passed.. I got a D-. How’d you do?

Tom Davis: I aced it.

Al Franken: You know, it always seems like you never study, and then you always get an A. How you do that?

Tom Davis: Well, you just tell the teacher what you know, not what you don’t know.

Al Franken: Well.. what do you mean? I don’t understand..

Tom Davis: Well, for example, on that barometer question, you remember, you’re given a barometer and you have to determine the height of a tall building?

Al Franken: Yeah.. I left that one blank. I forgot what a barometer is.

Tom Davis: Oh, well, that’s for measuring barometric pressure. So, to get the answer to that question, you get the barometric pressure then you go to the bottom of the building, and you take the difference between the two barometric pressures and you plug it into a formula.

Al Franken: [ pause ] Oh, yeah..

Tom Davis: Well, I forgot what the formula was, but I didn’t want Professor Heimitz to know, so I gave him several other solutions I figured out.

Al Franken: Oh, yeah?

Tom Davis: Yeah. I said, take the barometer up on top of the building, drop it off of the building, time how long it takes before it gets to the ground, and then plug it into that formula we learned in high school for falling bodies? You know, Distance = 16 x the time in seconds square? Remember all that?

Al Franken: [ pause ] Yeah..

Tom Davis: Or, I said, on a sunny day you can set up the barometer, measure the shadow of the building, and set up a ratio. You know how to get the answer there.

Al Franken: [ pause ] Yeah.

Tom Davis: Or, get this – get the circumference of the barometer, wrap string around it, then drop it off the top of the building, count how many revolutions the barometer makes before it hits the ground, then take the number of revolutions and multiply it times the circumference.

Al Franken: [ pause ] The.. the circumference?

Tom Davis: Right. Or, get this, this is the last one – I said, go in the basement, find the superintendent and offer to exchange the barometer for the information. How’s that? I got full credit on that question.

Al Franken: Well.. you should have.. you knew all the answers. [ as he loses at Pong ] Nuts!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Eric Idle’s Monologue

…..Eric Idle
…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Eric Idle perched a top a stool ]

Eric Idle: Hello, thank you. It’s very nice to be here. I’d like to sing a song, if I may, which I’ve just recorded in England.

[ yelling ]

“Here comes the sun!
Here comes the sun!
And I say, it’s alright!”

[ Jane Curtin interrupts ]

Jane Curtin: Eric? Eric?

Eric Idle: Yeah?

Jane Curtin: How would you like to take a little walk, and we’ll talk.

Eric Idle: Okay.. fine.. yeah.. You don’t like the song?

Jane Curtin: The song’s terrific. But you know, you’re new to American television. I enjoyed the “Hands Across The Water”, I mean, you’re being from England and everything –

Eric Idle: There’s a lot more to the song than –

Jane Curtin: Eric, Eric.. we do things very differently over here. For instance, we put a song like that – because it has so much meaning – at the end of the show.

Eric Idle: Oh? So I’ll do it at the end of the show?

Jane Curtin: Terrific!

Eric Idle: Save it up for the end of the show. Good idea. Okay. [ enters set of Genetics sketch, sits at his doctor character’s desk ] Sorry I’m early. The song’s being saved up for the end.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

KLOG Radio

Disc Jockey…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Disc Jockey sitting in radio booth between two turntables, one each on AM and FM side of booth ]

Announcer: Good morning. Now radio station KLOG commences its programming day. KLOG is a division of BoardCo Communications. The policy of KLOG and KLOG-FM is to give you, the listener, the best in both AM and FM entertainment. We wish you a good morning and a nice day.

Jingle: “Coming or going
or just in the race.
Stay with KLOG
’cause Casey’s on the case.”

Disc Jockey: [ on the AM station ] Hey, good morning! It’s Kid Casey Wake-Up Time! Driving to work or school, having breakfast, or just doing some crazy morning things around the house, Casey’s on the case! I’m Kid Casey! I’ll be here ’til noon with a few words, a little music, and of course the Pasternak Air Hammer Giveaway Day contest later on! Here’s a tune to get you moving and grooving on this sunny Friday morning. An old one from Tony Orlando & Dawn, “Candida”! Some gold!

[ switches to the FM station ]

Ohhhkayyy.. yeah. That was the Moody Blues for our morning. Morning, as always the first awakening, I’m Kenneth Wardell on KLOG-FM, mellowing out your morning with some really good sound. We have music – I’m a little high right now – and I’m looking forward to an interview with Peter Kris, the drummer from Kiss. He’s gonna tell us how he chose the cat make-up. Here’s something newwww from Aerosmith.

[ switches to the AM station ]

Yeah! “Candida”! Hey, Mom, here’s the word about Wally Winky Wonderloaf, the nutritious whitemilk bread. The people at Wally Winky Bakeries put loving care and pride into every loaf they bake. Every Wally Winky Wonderloaf is made from white refined milk flour and milk flour substitute to give your growing family the important nutrition they need! So get your youngsters Wally Winky Wonderloaf today! And let’s watch out now for that “Devil Woman”!

[ switches to the FM station ]

Yeaaahhhh.. Aerosmith on KLOG-FM. You know, many nutritionists and doctors agree that bread made with white refined milk flour and milk powder substitute is no good for us. Most agree that whole wheat is an excellent source of protein. That’s why the people at Earth Source Graineries use only whole grain and unmmilk wheat in their headbread. Headbread, for a pure source of nutrition and nourishment. Nowww.. Led Zeppelin, “Stairway”..

[ switches to the AM station ]

Yeah, alright! Don’t let that “Devil Woman” get you! You know, Ring Audio has everything you need in stereo components, CB radios, aerials, car radios, tape decks, turntables, amplifiers, speakers and CDs! All name brands at great prices! That’s Ring Audio, 880 Storm Blvd, ask for Gary, tell ’em Crazy Kid Casey sent you! And, if you dig disco, you’re realy gonna dig the “Fifth”! It’s moving up there on the KLOG hit mix survey!

[ switches to the FM station ]

Yeahhhh.. do your big speakers keep getting you evicted? Then why not visit Stairway to Headphones? Stairway To Headphones deals only in quality headphones, and motorcycle and football helmets, all wired for sound. Stairway to Headphones, 880 Storm Blvd, ask for Gary, tell him Kenneth Wardell, KLOG-FM sent you. Here’sss Black Sabbath.

[ switches to the AM station ]

Okay! Alright! Hey, the KLOG traffic copter reports traffic’s badly tied up on Route 9, a lot of cars are backed up there! Take the passoff instead. Hey, the student council at Rose Cage High School in Summit asked me to say a few words about their Art Fair! The kids are having an Art Fair there, it’s in the gym! Thursday night from 8PM, and the kids have really worked hard on the art, and they’d sure appreciate a little support. The money’s for Rose Cage High and Summit, there’s gonna be a lot of good art there! And here’s something to take us up to news time with Bernie Phillips – “The Antler Dance”, taking us to KLOG News with Bernie Phillips!

[ switches to the FM station ]

Yeahhhh.. Black Sabbath. I guess all you folks who got out to the Dead concert last night at Wildcat Stadium kinda know where my head’s at today. But, hey, you know, I heard the City Council might cancel all rock concerts because of damage done to the astroturf. If you have to smoke cigarettes, put them in your beer can or carry an ashtray. If you smoke anything else, smoke it, then eat it. It won’t kill you, but cigarettes will. It’s a shame this kind of thing is still going on. I guess some of us didn’t learn anything from the 60’s. Hey, we’re coming up to news time right now with Bernie Phillips, let’s find out. I’m gonna take a little break and find out what’s happening in the news with Bernie Phillips at the KLOG News Center.

Announcer: And now, KLOG News with Bernie Phillips.

Disc Jockey: [ grabs both AM and FM microphones ] I’m Bernie Phillips, and this is the KLOG News. Precautionary measures continue to be taken against the swine flu threat!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Genetic Counselor

Doctor…..Eric Idle
Mr. Stolwry…..Dan Aykroyd
Mrs. Stolwry…..Gilda Radner

[ Eric Idle enters the Genetics sketch set and sits down ]

Doctor: Now then, Mr. and Mrs. Stolwry, you’re in your second month of pregnancy, and you’re prepared to select your child’s physical characteristics.

Mr. Stolwry: That’s right. Let’s get on with it.

Doctor: Alright, Mrs. Stolwry, we’ve put your scrapings through a high-speed cell sorter, and we’re ready to choose what sort of a baby you want. Now, you want your baby to be.. a baby?

Mr. Stolwry: ..Yes.

Doctor: Good, that’s a start. Now, what sex? Male or female?

Mr. Stolwry: Um.. male.

Doctor: Male. Good. Skin pigment – dark or fair?

Mrs. Stolwry: Um.. fair.

Doctor: Fair. Hair color: blonde or black?

Mrs. Stolwry: Blonde.

Doctor: Blonde. Good. General stature: tall and thin or short and stocky?

Mr. Stolwry: Short and stocky.

Doctor: Excellent. Alright, general texture – fur or quilted?

Mr. Stolwry: Fur or quilted?

Doctor: Yes, you don’t want the little nipper bouncing out into the world in the raw, when you can use all of genetic science to have him born in his own little fur or quilted bag.

Mr. Stolwry: What do you think, dear?

Mrs. Stolwry: Let’s take the quilted.

Doctor: Very good, excellent, excellent! Now, general attribute, you want him to be artistic or a welder?

Mr. Stolwry: A welder.

Doctor: Good, good, good. Uh.. mouth – tongue or dipstick.

Mrs. Stolwry: What?

Doctor: Tongue or dipstick. You know, a tongue is very, very fat, and a disptick is very, very much thinner, and will enable your baby to suck flies out of soda bottles.

Mrs. Stolwry: Well.. um.. tongue, please.

Doctor: Tongue? Good, good, good. Feet or pods?

Mr. Stolwry: Pods?

Doctor: Pods. Pods, you know. It increases the baby’s motor skills.

Mr. Stolwry: Pods.

Doctor: Pods, good. What about his head? You want it pressed in flat like a Pekenese puppy, or would you like it fully curled like a shrimp? If you have the shrimp-head, he’ll be able to get the welder’s job much easier.

Mrs. Stolwry: No! No, I don’t want a baby with a shrimp-head!

Mr. Stolwry: What is this about shrimp-heads, Doctor? Frankly, this is not what we expected at all.

Doctor: Right, then! [ angry ] I do the best I can for you, the bloody best, to set up your sniveling, snotty-nosed kid you want, and all I get in return for fifteen years of poring research into the bloody boring composition of the bloody damn DNA molceule, is a pair of pathetic twits, who, when confronted with bloody stats start a pathetic wiffle-waffle. Right now, Mr. and Mrs. Stolwry, you have a perfect, beautiful walking specimen of a stocky, blond-haired, blue-eyed, fair-skinned, quilted, male shrimp-head welder, with pods! Now, what more do you bloody want?! Frankly, it makes me sick! Why don’t you go have your child naturally?

Mr. Stolwry: I’m sorry, Doctor. Its just we don’t understand your methods.

Mrs. Stolwry: Yes. We’ll try to be more understanding.

Doctor: Alright. Let’s give it another try. Alright, here we go. Hatchback or portal windows?

Mr. Stolwry: Hatchback.

Mrs. Stolwry: Hatchback.

[ zoom out ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up: Pearls Before Swine Flu” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Drag Racing Today

…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Eric Idle

[ open on stock footage of crowds swarming the stands at a race track ]

[ SUPER: “Drag Racing Today” ]

[ Dan Aykroyd and Eric Idle, dressed in drag, approach the starting line and take their stances ]

[ the starting pistol fires ]

[ Dan and Eric run down the track in their high heels, until, at race’s end, Dan is first to cross the finish line ]

[ a reporter holds a microphone to Dan’s face ]

Dan Aykroyd: I, uh — feel it’s still not working.

Eric Idle: Of course it’s working! They’re laughing!

Dan Aykroyd: How do you know they’re laughing? We’re on film.

Eric Idle: [ stunned by this information ] Oh, that’s right. Well, let’s listen.

[ they press their ears closer to the screen ]

Eric Idle: I don’t hear them laughing.

Dan Aykroyd: No.

Eric Idle: [ dejected ] Shall we go?

Dan Aykroyd: I guess so.

[ they turn from the camera and walk away, dropping their feather boas to the ground in shame ]

[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on a man with SUPER: “Doomed” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Dragnet

Joe Friday…..Dan Aykroyd
Saturday Morning…..Eric Idle
Driver…..Gilda Radner
Harvey Goldblatt…..Garrett Morris
Wife…..Laraine Newman
Husband…..John Belushi

[ open on “Dragnet” police badge logo ]

Joe Friday V/O: This is the city — Los Angeles, near California. The story you are about to see is true. Only the facts have been changed to protect the writers.

[ dissolve to interior, apartment ]

Joe Friday V/O: It was a perfectly ordinary Sunday. My name’s Friday. My partner’s name is Saturday Morning. We only worked weekends.

[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning enter the apartment, dressed in women’s clothing. They immediately tackle various pieces of laundry hanging on a clothesline or lying on ironing boards. ]

Joe Friday V/O: We were engaged in routine police business: washing up, ironing, and sewing. The time: 3:15. The place: Headquarters. The hairstyles: by Mr. Ray, of Vidal Sassoon.

[ the telephone rings. They stop to observe. ]

Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang.

[ the telephone rings again ]

Joe Friday V/O: It was Lucille Ball.

[ Saturday Morning gives a confused look to the camera ]

Joe Friday V/O: We didn’t answer.

[ the phone stops ringing, so they resume their laundry duties ]

[ the phone rings again ]

Joe Friday V/O: The phone rang again. This time, it was motorcycle officer Harvey Goldblatt.

[ Saturday Morning answers the phone ]

Joe Friday: Hello. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Okay, we’ll be right there.

[ Saturday Morning hangs up ]

[ the two officers start to run out of Headquarters, then stop to retrieve their purses before exiting in a proper ladylike strut ]

[ cut to pre-filmed footage, as the two officers exit their building ]

Saturday Morning: Hey, Sarge — where are we goin’?

Joe Friday: Shut up, and listen to the Voiceover.

Saturday Morning: 10-3!

Joe Friday: 10-4.

Saturday Morning: Sorry.

Joe Friday: Right.

[ they continue down the outside steps, where a Female Driver waits with a squad car ]

Joe Friday V/O: The time: 3:25. The place: the street. The handbags: by Gucci.

[ cut to the squad car barrelling down the street ]

Joe Friday V/O: we screeched to a halt.

[ the squad car brakes suddenly, as the sound of a voice screaming creates the impression of a screech ]

[ the two officers climb out of the squad car and stand on the sidewalk ]

Joe Friday: [ pointing ] Look — there’s Officer Goldblatt.

[ they run over ]

[ cut to Officer Goldblatt, who sits on a motorcycle while dressed in a wedding gown ]

Joe Friday: What’s up, Harvey?

Harvey Goldblatt: A man upstairs, impersonating a police officer.

Joe Friday: Why didn’t you move in their yourself?

Harvey Goldblatt: I’ve got a snag in my pantyhose!

Joe Friday: Right. Okay, we’ll take care of it. Let’s go!

[ Joe Friday and Saturday Morning frantically run to the foot of the house behind them ]

[ cut to live footage, interior apartment, as Woman stands near the door ]

[ Joe Friday pounds on the other side of the door ]

Joe Friday: Open up!! Open up!! Police!! Open up!!

[ she opens the door ]

Saturday Morning: [ holds up his purse ] We’re police officers!

Joe Friday: [ holds up his purse ] Police officers, ma’am.

Wife: How do I know you are?

Joe Friday: We’re plainclothesmen.

Saturday Morning: What do you mean, plain? I’ve paid $85 for this frock! You call this a plain frock?

Joe Friday: I mean “plain cothes” — a term for “undercover”.

Saturday Morning: Oh. Don’t you like this frock?

Joe Friday: I love it. [ turns to the Woman ] Ma’am? Your husband home?

Saturday Morning: Uhhh — uhhh — NO! No, uh — no. He’s not here, uh — he went OUT! I’m not married!

Husband: Honey? Who is it?

[ a Man enters the front room, dressed similarly to Saturday Morning ]

Joe Friday: You’re under arrest for impersonating a police officer! Let’s go!

Saturday Morning: I’m wearing the same frock…

Joe Friday: Let’s go!

Saturday Morning: Yeah, okay, okay, okay…

Joe Friday: Let’s go!

Husband: Alright…

Saturday Morning: Come on!

John Belushi: [ breaking character ] Eric! [ shoves Eric Idle aside ] Dan! Look, it’s NOT gonna work, alright? Drag just does not work in America. It’s a different type of humor, I feel uncomfortable in this dress.

Eric Idle: You could try a different frock!

John Belushi: It has nothing to do with it. I mean — I mean, over there, drag’s acceptable. It’s, uh — it’s everyday office wear. I mean — but here it is just… not… funny! It doesn’t work, there’s no, uhhh — you know, I’m not overreacting over any homosexual thing, you know — so don’t — don’t — don’t try to pull that thing on me, you know? But it’s NOT funny! Yuo understand? DRAG is NOT funny in America!

Eric Idle: Well, let’s cut it here!

Dan Aykroyd: Okay, fine!

[ Belushi ambles off ]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, I, uh — I can — I can see his point-of-view. You know, I think it’s just two different theories of humor and that, and, uh — my Jack Webb is the worst anyway, so, you know.

Eric Idle: That’s true.

Dan Aykroyd: Uhhh — what do — what do you want to do, then? Sorry.

Eric Idle: Do you, uh — do you want to come back to my dressing room, and discuss it?

Dan Aykroyd: Sure. Yeah.

[ they start to exit the set ]

John Belushi: Dan?

Dan Aykroyd: Yeah?

John Belushi: Remember: if you do it once —

Dan Aykroyd: I’ll stay hungry! [?]

[ Eric and Dan exit the set ]

Laraine Newman: [ supportively ] Oh, John, I think you look very pretty.

John Belushi: I look pretty? Well, I look good in everything. I just wear clothes well…

Laraine Newman: Well, that’s great —

John Belushi: Some people can, some people can’t…

Laraine Newman: Well, uh —

John Belushi: I look good in everything!

Laraine Newman: Look — [ suggestively ] What are we gonna do now, you know?

John Belushi: Uh — why don’t we show some movie, I guess.

Laraine Newman: Okay, let’s go there.

SNL Transcripts