Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 1
Pros & Cons
Nancy Grace…..Ana Gasteyer
Mark Fassbinder…..Chris Parnell
Nancy Grace: Welcome back to “Pros & Cons”. I’m Nancy Grace. Today: what happens when ordinary citizens take the laws into their own hands? Is it justice in a world of corrupt law enforcement, or simply anarchy? Here to discuss the issue, live from Raiford State Prison in Florida, are my first guests – David Montgomery, and his attorney Mark Fassbinder.[ show David and Mark sitting glumly in a jail cell ]
Mark Fassbinder: Thank you, Nancy.
Nancy Grace: On the surface, Mr. Montgomery’s crime seems all too familiar – a desperate man, down on his luck, discovers a broken-down amusement park is built on top of some pirate treasure.. so he tries to scare people away from it by dressing up like a ghost. An old, old story. But this time, there is a bizarre twist. His “alleged” crime was discovered by a group of amateur detectives. Two of them are here with me now. Please welcome Scooby Doo, and his associate Warren “Shaggy” Shagowski.
Shaggy: Like, wow! We’re thrilled to be here!
Nancy Grace: Mr. Shagowski, Mr. Doo.. we’ll start with you. What made you decide to take the law into your own hands?
Shaggy: Well, one day, me and Scoob and the gang, we’re sittingaround the malt shop, when we decided the law’s gone soft on all thedirtbags who get their jollies dressing up as apemen or glowing deep sea divers!
Scooby Doo: Yeah. Dirtbags! Hee-hee hee-hee-hee-hee!
Mark Fassbinder: Well, that’s if Mr. Shaggowski can pass himselfoff as a “champion” of law and order. But the truth is that this man and his dog – not to mention, another member of their gang – a smaller, scrappier dog – all have an extensive criminal record!
Scooby Doo: That’s a rie!
Mark Fassbinder: I have the evidence right here, Mr. Doo! Priorconvinctions include 4 counts of meddling, 12 counts of meddling in thesecond degree, 2 counts of vehicular meddling, meddling across state lines, and last, but certainly not least, sodomy! I’m sorry.. I misread that.. it’s “meddling”, I apologize.
Shaggy: Well, zoinks! Honestly! Zoinks you in the ass! We’re the ones putting our gonads on the line! We’re the ones dressing up as Italian barbers, pretending to give fake monsters haircuts!
Mark Fassbinder: It’s all an act, Nancy! He’d have us believe that he puts himself at risk! That sometimes he’s so scared, he tries to run away, and can only float in mid-air running in place. But the truth is that he and his friends actively go out looking for trouble!
Shaggy: Like, we’re not asking to get flat tires outside of spooky castles, man! It just happens!
Mark Fassbinder: Please! You’re a degenerate! You know, Nancy, I once saw this man take two stacks of coldcuts, shuffle them like a deck of cards, then ate the entire thing!
Shaggy: Like, look.. the sentences handed out to fake ghosts andwerewolves are far too lenient!
Nancy Grace: Well, what would you suggest is appropriatepunishment?
Scooby Doo: Reath renalty!
Nancy Grace: You’re honestly advocating the reath renalty? Wow.Strong words. Strong, poorly pronounced words from a large dog.
Shaggy: Hey, lady! Like, I thought this was America? I don’t want to live in a country where four hippies and a talking dog can’t have the freedom to catch fake ghosts with the occasional help of Phyllis Diller or the Harlem Globetrotters! That’s my America! And while you may not agree with my opinion, you’re not gonna change it!
Mark Fassbinder: [ touched ] Wow. Like, zoinks, I.. I didn’t knowyou felt that way.. But.. would you consider compromising yourethics.. [ reaches down ] ..for a Scooby Snack? [ holds up box ]
Shaggy: [ excited ] Like, wow! A Scooby Snack!
Scooby Doo: Yeah! Yeah! Hee-hee hee-hee-hee-hee!
Nancy Grace: That’s about all the time we have. Please join us next week when we examine the conflict of victims’ rights in the theft of pic-a-nic baskets.[ fade ]