Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 1
Ralph Nader Backstage
[ Lorne Michaels is trapped backstage in a conversation with Ralph Nader ]
Ralph Nader: Lone, I don’t understand why you won’t let me be in the Debate sketch.
Lorne Michaels: If you had been in the real debate – maybe..
Ralph Nader: Where’s your sense of fairness?
Lorne Michaels: Maybe if you’re in the next debate.. [ Rob Lowe passes through the hall, Lorne grabs his arms ] Rob!
Rob Lowe: [ stops ] Yeah?
Lorne Michaels: You two know each other, don’t you?
Rob Lowe: [ excited ] Oh, yeah! [ shakes Ralph’s hand ] Hey. Good to see you. How are you?
[ Lorne quietly walks off ]
Ralph Nader: That episode on the death penalty was right on the money. You know, there are no statuatory criminal penalties for manufacturing a defective automobile dangerous to life..
[ slow zoom to Rob’s head ]
Rob Lowe’s Inner Voice: Who is this guy? Should I know him? Lorne knows him, so that means he must be famous. Wait a minute.. was he in “St. Elmo’s Fire”? [ Ralph continues to ramble ] He sounds smart. He couldn’t have been in “St. Elmo’s Fire”. Damn! Is he one of my agents? Of course not – he wouldn’t have a suit!
Ralph Nader: ..I think we’re in a real transition period here, that gives us a real opportunity. Do you know what I mean?
Rob Lowe: Oh.. oh, of course..
Ralph Nader: Government by and for the people? Now it’sgovernment by and for big corporations..
[ Rob glances away from Ralph ]
Rob Lowe’s Inner Voice: Is that a mirror? Why, yes, it is! Hello, handsome! [ Ralph is still rambling ] I have to get out of this conversation..
Rob Lowe: [ interrupting ] You know.. [ holds up bare arm ] ..look at the time. I should really be going..
Ralph Nader: But.. you’re not wearing a watch. [ Rob laughs ] As I was saying..
Rob Lowe’s Inner Voice: Damn.. this guy is good. Maybe I’ll give him a little treat..
Rob Lowe: [ interrupting ] Hey! you know something? I gotta tell you – I work on the show “The West Wing”, and.. the other day.. we’re all sitting around, and Martin Sheen..
[ slow zoom to Ralph’s face ]
Ralph Nader’s Inner Voice: Look at him – he’s high! I should bring up my position on the decriminalization of weed. That would get his vote! What do I care? I’m Ralph Nader! I’m going to be the next President of the United States! Those big corporations aren’t going to know what hit ’em! ‘Cause I don’t take bribes like the Republicans or the Democrats. My price is way higher. They don’t call it the Green Party for nothing! [ laughs ]
[ a pair of security guards jump in grabs Rob and Ralph ]
Security Guard: Alright, let’s go!
Lorne Michaels: [ interceding ] No, no, no, no! Not the handsome guy – the other guy.
Ralph Nader: [ being dragged away ] Lorne! Lorne!
Lorne Michaels: Sorry, Ralph.
Rob Lowe: Oh! It’s Ralph Nader!
Lorne Michaels: Right. Uh.. you should get changed. Come on.
[ Rob and Lorne exit in opposite directions – fade to black ]