Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 1
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Grand Master Rap…..Jerry Minor
Kid Shazaam……Horatio Sanz
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “WeekendUpdate with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Hi I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. And when we get together..
Together: It’s news.
Before Tuesday’s presidential debate, a coin toss was used to determine whichcandidate would speak first. When Governor Bush was asked to call it in theair, he yelled: “It’s a quarter!”
This Sunday, the Olympic Games in Sydney, Australia came to a close, with theUnited States winning 97 medals, the most of any country. So, suck on that,Portugal!
Actors Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey have each given $100,000 to the ScreenActors Guild to assist out-of-work actors. In a related story, actor ArsenioHall would like to thank Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey.
After a week of violent protests in Yugoslavia, Slobodan Milosevic finallystepped down and conceded defeat in the presidential election. Milosevic saidhe plans to relax and spend time with his family before being strung up ona meathook in the center of Belgrade.
During Tuesday’s debate, Al Gore made a point of correctly pronouncingMilosevic’s name, and that of his opponent, Vojislav Kostunica and notingthat Yugoslavia is made up of Serbia and Montenegro. Meanwhile, George W.Bush knew his own name and that a sandwich is made up of “bread plus someother stuff.”
Tina Fey: Jimmy, what did you think of the debates?
Jimmy Fallon: Fantastic.
Tina Fey: What did you think was the “defining” moment?
Jimmy Fallon: Med.. Medicare..?
Tina Fey: Medicare?
Jimmy Fallon: Mmm-hmm..
Tina Fey: Did you.. did you watch the debates?
Jimmy Fallon: I watched “Dark Angel”.
Tina Fey: Jimmy!
Jimmy Fallon: I tried to watch the debates, it was so boring! Theyjust stand there, you didn’t tell me that.
Tina Fey: Jimmy, we talked about how we were both going to watch the debates!
Jimmy Fallon: You want to debate about “Dark Angel”?
97-year-old Senator Strom Thurmand – who was hospitalized last week afterfainting in a restaurant – is reportedly back on his feet, and was even seenout and about with his new lady friend.
[ show doctored photo of Thurmond with Anna Nicole Smith ]
Tina Fey: If there’s one thing that both Republicans andDemocrats can agree on, it’s that there’s too much sex and violence comingout of Hollywood. Here to shed some light on this ongoing battlebetween Washington and Hollywood, a man well-versed in the ways of love,Leon Phelps, the Ladies Man.
Leon Phelps: Yeah. Thank you. What is happenin’? Thank you, Colin..[ notices Tina there instead ] Oo-ooh! It’s a lady, yeah! Now,that is what I call sexy. But I digress. My fellow Americans, Iam here today to dispute the charge that movies have too much sex. Now, I’vealways thought that saying “too much sex” is like saying “too much Christmas.”But, Hollywood isn’t built on sex, it’s built on romance. Was the magicbetween Bogart and Bacall just about sex? Or Richard Burton and Liz Taylor?Was it just about sex when Ron Jeremy bent Traci Lords over the hood of a..
Tina Fey: [ breaking in ] Yes, it was.
Leon Phelps: Well.. I, for one, thought it was beautiful.. Butmaybe I’m just old-fashioned. You see, Tina, I can remember when a movieonly cost a quarter.. and then, after a few minutes, you could see moreof the movie for another quarter. You know what? That sounds pretty goodright about now! Say, Tina, how about you and I grab a roll of quartersand go see 6 or 7 movies?
Tina Fey: You want me to go see a porno with you?
Leon Phelps: You see, Tina, that’s what I’m talking about. One man’sporno is another man’s “Sleepless in Seattle”. Which reminds me, if youhaven’t seen it do yourself a party and see “Ass Party.”
Tina Fey: Wait a minute. Why does “Sleepless in Seattle” remindyou of a movie called “Ass Party”?
Leon Phelps: Well, basically, everything reminds me of “Ass Party”..You see, what I’m saying is that Washington has no business telling Americawhat’s too sexy. You see, if that was the case, then I, Leon Phelps,would be illegal, instead of just “wanted for questioning” in severalstates. You know, I think everyone in Washington, all over America, in fact,should just relax, enjoy some Couversier, and take in a sexy movie.
Tina Fey: So you’re advising people to go out and see a sexy movie?
Leon Phelps: Well, yes, Tina, but not right this minute.. but maybe next weekend, October 13th, maybe..? [ holds up poster to his movie ] That’s right.. yes, America, it is your responsibility to go out October 13th and see a movie – a very funny movie – a movie Entertainment Weekly called..
Tina Fey: Come on, Tim! Is that the only reason you came back this week is to plug your movie!
Tim Meadows: [ breaking character ] No, Tina, I didn’t. I came to see my friends.. I miss this place. I had a great time here. And I’d also like to say that I’m one of the stars of “The Michael Richards Show”, premiering on NBC in two weeks..!
Tina Fey: Get out of here! Tim Meadows, everybody!
Two Wisconsin brothers, ages 74 and 80, were arrested this week after agentsconfiscated more than half a million dollars in pot on their property. Whendiscovered in their home, the brothers were found laughing their asses offwatching an episode of “Matlock.”
This week, the Vatican apologized for a recent Church document that callednon-Christian religions “gravely deficient”. Said a Vatican spokesman, “Whilewe believe that other religions are deficient, and that their paganfollowers will burn in hell, we certainly never meant to write it down.”
Jimmy Fallon: Coming up on “Weekend Update Health Watch”: Is there asimple muscle exercise you can do that will prevent diabetes? No.. no, thereisn’t.
Tina Fey: Yeah, I didn’t think so.
In New York this week, Spike Lee premiered his new film “Bamboozled”, whichfeatures actors in blackface. Or, as John Rocker calls it: “The feel goodmovie of the year.”
Jimmy Fallon: And now, it’s time for “Women’s News”.
Tina Fey: Thank you, Jimmy. As a mother of two, which I am not, Iworry about the lack of positive role models for today’s young girls. Forexample, Britney Spears caused controversy last month when she wore thisskimpy outfit at MTV’s Video Music Awards. Critics called the outfitinappropriate and say it’s just another example of Hollywood sexualizingyoung girls. But I say, ladies, give it up. Britney’s ass looks good. Lookat that ass. That is a cherry bomb. You gotta look at that thing through ahole in a paper plate. Britney, in about five years that whole area is gonnablow, so enjoy it now. Have it photographed as much as possible. Rub it withfine oils and liniments. You will miss it when it’s gone. And, as for whetheror not those are breast implants are not.. Britney was on our show last year,I worked with her.. and, to me, her breasts felt completely real.
Jimmy Fallon: What did you say? you said they “felt real”?
Tina Fey: No.
This week “The Beatles Anthology”, a 368-page history of the band’s career,was released, giving fans the group’s own take on their rise to success. And,as an added bonus, if fans read the book backwards it says, “We’re justtrying to help out Ringo.”
This week Pat Robertson reportedly invited Joe Lieberman to address theChristian Coalition, but the date he chose was Rosh Hashana, one of theholiest days in the Jewish religious calendar. Robertson apologized, sayingthat he meant no disrespect to the Jewish faith and tried to make it up toLieberman by sending him a two-pound Honey-Baked ham.
Jimmy Fallon: And now in part two of looking into violence in themedia, the music industry, and the controversy over expicit lyrics andviolent content. To help shed light on this matter, here are two of myfavorite old school rappers, the masters of hip-hop, please welcome GrandMaster Rap and Kid Shazaam.
Grand Master Rap: Yeah!
Kid Shazaam: Dig it!
Grand Master Rap: Yeah, how ya doin’, homeboy?
Jimmy Fallon: Pretty good.
Kid Shazaam: Whoa, now, don’t forget Miss Tina down there, uh huh!
Grand Master Rap: She sure is fly, ain’t she?
Kid Shazaam: Super-duper fly!
Grand Master Rap: Word! Word!
Kid Shazaam: Word up!
Grand Master Rap: Word up!
Jimmy Fallon: Now, you were there at the beginning of rap.. so, youtell me, why do you think there’s so much violence in hip-hop today?
Kid Shazaam: That’s a good question, Jimmy Fallon. These rappers today like M&Ms, talking about abusing women and violence and all kind of nonsense.
Grand Master Rap: When we were rappers, we talked about good stuff,like putting your hands in the air.
Kid Shazaam: [ starting their rap ]“And waving ’em, like you just don’t care!”
Grand Master Rap: “If you believe that you are great
Somebody say, “Oh yeah!”
Kid Shazaam: “Oh yeah!”
Grand Master Rap: “Oh yeah!”
Kid Shazaam: “Everybody in the house say, yeah!”
Together: “Rap rap ribbity rap rap
Rip rop ribbity do!
If you believe that you are great
Rip rop ribbity do!:
Grand Master Rap: That was fresh!
Kid Shazaam: Word!
Grand Master Rap: Yo, man.
Kid Shazaam: Okay.
Grand Master Rap: How’s that for hard-core rap, Jimmy Fallon?
Jimmy Fallon: [ disturbed ] How old are you guys?
Grand Master Rap: I’m 54.
Kid Shazaam: I’ll be 63 in December.
Jimmy Fallon: My grandfather’s 63!
Grand Master Rap: We told you we started hip-hops! Back in 1972!
Kid Shazaam: We are dangerous, we’re on the street, man. In 1984,I was ticketed for operating a roasted nut stand without a license.
Grand Master Rap: Whew!
Kid Shazaam: That’s dangerous!
Grand Master Rap: Let me tell ya, anytime you youngsters wannabattle us old-timers, than bring it on!
Kid Shazaam: Bring it on![ Eminem steps up ]
Grand Master Rap: Hey, hey!
Kid Shazaam: You wanna battle us, punk?
Eminem: No, no. Grand Master Rap, Kid Shazaam. I was thinking, youguys started it all. And, maybe I should clean up my act, and start rappingabout throwing my hands in the air.
Grand Master Rap: That’s right.
Together: Hit it! Here we go…
Rap you up
We’ll rap you down
We’ll let our lyrics beat you down
Cause we’ll do it, do it, do it
Rap rap rap
Rop rop rop
A-rap rap, ribbity rap rap
Rip rop ribbity do!”
Grand Master Rap: “Grand Master Rap!”
Kid Shazaam: “Kid Shazaam!”
Together: “Rip rop, ribbity doo! “
Eminem: “Well, I’m Eminem
And I’m here to say
I like to rap in the old-school way
I said, rap rap
Ribbity rap rap
Rip rop ribbity do!”
Jimmy Fallon: Grandmaster Rap, Kid Shazaam, and Eminem, everybody!I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: Good night, and have a pleasant tommorrow. [ to Jimmy ] We’re set, baby!