SNL Transcripts: Kate Hudson: 10/14/00: Boston Teens


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Boston Teens

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Frank…..Horatio Sanz
Bernadette…..Kate Hudson
…..Nomar Garciaparra

[close up on “Red Sox” on Sully’s shirt]

Sully: Hey Tommy, got enough light? Focus it…Alright, this is Pat Sullivan, this is my girl here, Denise. I’m here in my basment in Lexington, Mass.


Sully: This tape is our official submission to the producers of Survivor.

Denise: Yeah, please disregard the previous tape we sent to you. That was supposed to be for our own private use.

[they make out]

[Frank enters with an Easy Bake Oven]

Frank: Hey Sully! I found a Easy Bake Oven in a box of your old toys. You mind if I bake a tiny cake with it?

Sully: Knock yourself out, Frank

Frank: Awesome! [walks to table in the back of the room]

Denise: Alright, here’s why we are prime canidates to be on the next Survivor: I have the military knowledge of Rudy, a nicer rack than Colleen.

Sully: And I’m craftier than Richard Hatch.

Denise: You’re queerer

Sully: You are!

[they make out…]

[Bernadette Enters]

Bernadette: Ugh! Call animal control! There are two dogs humping in my room!

Sully: This part of the basement is public domain. Your room is in there with the water heater. [points to door]

Bernadette: Yeah, shut up butt-lick!

Sully: You shut up, ass face. [pushes Bernadette, she pushes back, and they run around the room pusing each other]

Denise: That’s Sully’s sista Bernadette. She’s back home livin in the basement cuz she failed out of cookin school.

Bernadette: I wanted to be a cake maker.

Sully: Yeah, and yet your dreams were crushed by your poor attendence and your inability to spell “Congratulations”.

Bernadette: [pushes Sully] Moron!

Sully: You are!

[Sully and Denise make out]

Bernadette: Hey, hey! Seriously guys, knock it off. I got somebody comin ova.

[Bernadette runs to her room]

Sully: [turning back to camera] You know, if I could live with this half-a-whore for 17 years, surely I could survive the harsh rigors of the Australian wilderness. The only thing I’d miss would be this Louisville Slugga [picks up baseball bat and shows camera] personally signed by Nomar Garciopara. NOMAR!! YEAH!!

Denise: I should be picked to be on Surviver cuz I’m very good at group dynamics. I grew up with NINE brothers and sisters. Donnie, Dorreen, Dotty, Davy Junior, Debbie, Dougie, Dennis, Donna and Jamal.

Sully: Guess which one’s got a different Dad!

Denise: You’re Retahded!

Sully: Prove it! [goes in to kiss her]

Denise: [pushes him away] Alright, in conclusion CBS, pick me! I’m wicked psyched to go down under!

Sully: Not often enough, trust me.

[Denise pushes Sully]

[Bernadette enters wearing short shorts and a leapord-print tube top]

Bernadette: I swear to God Sully, if you don’t get out of here I’ll put my foot so far up your ass you’ll be breathing like you smell like Reebocks!

Sully: Yeah, good comeback

[Frank gets up with his easy-bake oven]

Frank: I need a 15-watt lightbulb and some semi-sweet chocolate chips.

Sully: [annoyed] Upstairs.

Frank: AWESOME!! [goes upstairs]

Denise: Hey Bernedette, that tube top’s wicked nice.

Bernadette: Oh thanks. It’s a kinda tight…it’s supposed to be a headband.

[Tommy zooms in on her boobs, Sully puts hand over camera]

Sully: HEY! Watch it Tommy! Yeah, you are really whored-out. Even for you.

Bernadette: Well yeah cuz this guy’s comin ova. He’s wicked hot. We’re gonna watch Howard Stern and make out.

[someone knocks on the door]

Bernadette: Ooh! [runs upstairs to answer the door]

Sully: God! He’s not even gonna take you out to Papa Gino’s first? Pitiful! This guy must be a top-notch loser.

Denise: Yeah, seriously Bernadette, you gotta learn to respect yourself.

[Sully wiggles his fingers where Denises boobs are]

[Nomar Garciaparra enters]

Nomar: Hey Bernadette you look great!

Bernadette: Hi

Nomar: [waves to Sully and Denise] Hi, kids.

Sully & Denise: NNOOMMAAARR!!! [they make out]

[Sully and Denise jump off the couch]

Sully: NOMAR!! NOMAR!! AHH!!!! [freaks out]

Bernadette: What are you freaks doing?

Denise: Are you retahded? It’s Nomar Garciaparra!!

Sully: I can’t breathe!

Denise: Sully, don’t look directly at him! [Sully turns away] He’s got a heart murmur.

Sully: [turns back] Bernadette, for once, your slutty ways have brought honor to the Sullivan house.

Denise: Oh my Gawd, oh my Gawd! Will you autograph my boob? [pulls down shirt]

Nomar: OK. What’s your name? [gets pen from jacket]

Denise: Just make it out to Zazoo

Nomar: Alright

Denise: No, wait! [reaches down on the table and grabs a sharpie] Use a Sharpie!

[while Normar signs her boob Denise mouths “Oh my Gawd! Oh my Gawd!”]

Sully: I will never pour beer on that boob again!

Nomar: Calm down, calm down! Listen, I’m not a superhero. I’m a person, just like you are. And you two can be as successful as I am, as long as you stay in school and follow your dreams.

Sully & Denise: [in awe] Seriously?

Nomar: Yeah, now get out of here, so I can make out with your sister.

Sully: Absolutely. It’s an honor to have you anywhere near my gene pool.

Bernadette: [To Sully and Denise] Hey, beat it! [to Normar] So, uh, you wanna drink? Beer, peach schnaps, tequiza?

Denise: Bernadette! Bernadette! You should totally try to get pregnant. You’d get a wicked cute baby, and a fat check every month!

Bernadette: All retards remove yourself!

Sully: But Nomar! I’ll have nothing to remember you by.

Nomar: I’ll give your sister a couple souvenier balls.

Sully: Tommy, PLEASE tell me you got that on tape?!?

[Tommy nods yes]

[Denise & Sully make out and Bernadette and Nomar make out]

[fade out]

Submitted by: SiLLyPiNkRaBBiT

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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