Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 2
[close up on “Red Sox” on Sully’s shirt]
Sully: Hey Tommy, got enough light? Focus it…Alright, this is Pat Sullivan, this is my girl here, Denise. I’m here in my basment in Lexington, Mass.
Denise: GO MINUTEMAN! GO MINUTEMAN!
Sully: This tape is our official submission to the producers of Survivor.
Denise: Yeah, please disregard the previous tape we sent to you. That was supposed to be for our own private use.
[they make out]
[Frank enters with an Easy Bake Oven]
Frank: Hey Sully! I found a Easy Bake Oven in a box of your old toys. You mind if I bake a tiny cake with it?
Sully: Knock yourself out, Frank
Frank: Awesome! [walks to table in the back of the room]
Denise: Alright, here’s why we are prime canidates to be on the next Survivor: I have the military knowledge of Rudy, a nicer rack than Colleen.
Sully: And I’m craftier than Richard Hatch.
Denise: You’re queerer
Sully: You are!
[they make out…]
Bernadette: Ugh! Call animal control! There are two dogs humping in my room!
Sully: This part of the basement is public domain. Your room is in there with the water heater. [points to door]
Bernadette: Yeah, shut up butt-lick!
Sully: You shut up, ass face. [pushes Bernadette, she pushes back, and they run around the room pusing each other]
Denise: That’s Sully’s sista Bernadette. She’s back home livin in the basement cuz she failed out of cookin school.
Bernadette: I wanted to be a cake maker.
Sully: Yeah, and yet your dreams were crushed by your poor attendence and your inability to spell “Congratulations”.
Bernadette: [pushes Sully] Moron!
Sully: You are!
[Sully and Denise make out]
Bernadette: Hey, hey! Seriously guys, knock it off. I got somebody comin ova.
[Bernadette runs to her room]
Sully: [turning back to camera] You know, if I could live with this half-a-whore for 17 years, surely I could survive the harsh rigors of the Australian wilderness. The only thing I’d miss would be this Louisville Slugga [picks up baseball bat and shows camera] personally signed by Nomar Garciopara. NOMAR!! YEAH!!
Denise: I should be picked to be on Surviver cuz I’m very good at group dynamics. I grew up with NINE brothers and sisters. Donnie, Dorreen, Dotty, Davy Junior, Debbie, Dougie, Dennis, Donna and Jamal.
Sully: Guess which one’s got a different Dad!
Denise: You’re Retahded!
Sully: Prove it! [goes in to kiss her]
Denise: [pushes him away] Alright, in conclusion CBS, pick me! I’m wicked psyched to go down under!
Sully: Not often enough, trust me.
[Denise pushes Sully]
[Bernadette enters wearing short shorts and a leapord-print tube top]
Bernadette: I swear to God Sully, if you don’t get out of here I’ll put my foot so far up your ass you’ll be breathing like you smell like Reebocks!
Sully: Yeah, good comeback
[Frank gets up with his easy-bake oven]
Frank: I need a 15-watt lightbulb and some semi-sweet chocolate chips.
Sully: [annoyed] Upstairs.
Frank: AWESOME!! [goes upstairs]
Denise: Hey Bernedette, that tube top’s wicked nice.
Bernadette: Oh thanks. It’s a kinda tight…it’s supposed to be a headband.
[Tommy zooms in on her boobs, Sully puts hand over camera]
Sully: HEY! Watch it Tommy! Yeah, you are really whored-out. Even for you.
Bernadette: Well yeah cuz this guy’s comin ova. He’s wicked hot. We’re gonna watch Howard Stern and make out.
[someone knocks on the door]
Bernadette: Ooh! [runs upstairs to answer the door]
Sully: God! He’s not even gonna take you out to Papa Gino’s first? Pitiful! This guy must be a top-notch loser.
Denise: Yeah, seriously Bernadette, you gotta learn to respect yourself.
[Sully wiggles his fingers where Denises boobs are]
[Nomar Garciaparra enters]
Nomar: Hey Bernadette you look great!
Nomar: [waves to Sully and Denise] Hi, kids.
Sully & Denise: NNOOMMAAARR!!! [they make out]
[Sully and Denise jump off the couch]
Sully: NOMAR!! NOMAR!! AHH!!!! [freaks out]
Bernadette: What are you freaks doing?
Denise: Are you retahded? It’s Nomar Garciaparra!!
Sully: I can’t breathe!
Denise: Sully, don’t look directly at him! [Sully turns away] He’s got a heart murmur.
Sully: [turns back] Bernadette, for once, your slutty ways have brought honor to the Sullivan house.
Denise: Oh my Gawd, oh my Gawd! Will you autograph my boob? [pulls down shirt]
Nomar: OK. What’s your name? [gets pen from jacket]
Denise: Just make it out to Zazoo
Denise: No, wait! [reaches down on the table and grabs a sharpie] Use a Sharpie!
[while Normar signs her boob Denise mouths “Oh my Gawd! Oh my Gawd!”]
Sully: I will never pour beer on that boob again!
Nomar: Calm down, calm down! Listen, I’m not a superhero. I’m a person, just like you are. And you two can be as successful as I am, as long as you stay in school and follow your dreams.
Sully & Denise: [in awe] Seriously?
Nomar: Yeah, now get out of here, so I can make out with your sister.
Sully: Absolutely. It’s an honor to have you anywhere near my gene pool.
Bernadette: [To Sully and Denise] Hey, beat it! [to Normar] So, uh, you wanna drink? Beer, peach schnaps, tequiza?
Denise: Bernadette! Bernadette! You should totally try to get pregnant. You’d get a wicked cute baby, and a fat check every month!
Bernadette: All retards remove yourself!
Sully: But Nomar! I’ll have nothing to remember you by.
Nomar: I’ll give your sister a couple souvenier balls.
Sully: Tommy, PLEASE tell me you got that on tape?!?
[Tommy nods yes]
[Denise & Sully make out and Bernadette and Nomar make out]
Submitted by: SiLLyPiNkRaBBiT