Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 2
Meet the Press
Tim Russert…..Darrell Hammond
Rick Lazio…..Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Rodham Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Announcer: Meet the Press, with your host, Tim Russert. (Opening graphic to Meet the Press)
(Roundtable with, from left, Rick Lazio, Hillary Clinton, and Tim Russert.)
Tim Russert: Good morning, welcome to Meet the Press. Today, a gathering of two senatorial candidates from the state of New York, home of those Buffalo Bills, ha ha ha! Congressman Rick Lazio, the Republican candidate from Long Island. (Lazio half-smiles goofily and has crossed eyes.) And Hillary Rodham Clinton. (Full stop after each name.) (Hillary nods and smiles.) Democratic candidate from Arkansas via Illinois, and most recently, Westchester. (The camera lingers on Hillary, who grows more uncomfortable.) Hillary. Rodham. Clinton. The embattled First Lady of the United States, emerging from the controversy and tarnish of her husband’s administration to the position, despite no earned political experience, a Democratic candidate for Senate. (Hillary stops smiling.) Hillary. Rodham Clinton. We’ll start with you. Now, recently you spoke at a UJA group assuring your support of the convicted spy Jonathan Pollard. I have a quote from the Washington Post datedÂ April 10th, 1994. (Newspaper graphic goes up.) “The excessive punishment of Jonathan Pollard by the American Government has clearly run its… I… don’t trust… Jewish… people.”
Hillary Clinton: Well, Tim, I think that quote is misleading and clearly out of context. What I actually said is that I don’t trust those who unfairly prosecute Jewish people.
Tim Russert: But you did say it! Your words.
Hillary Clinton: Tim, I clearly didn’t phrase it that way. You’re placing, uh, ellipses where there are clearly other words that I said that would explain the context.
Tim Russert: Would you say it’s part of a vast conspiracy? (coughs)
Hillary Clinton: No, I’m not saying that.
Tim Russert: All right. Rick Lazio. You’ve come down hard on soft money.
Rick Lazio: Yes, I have, Tim.
Tim Russert: But here’s a recent clip from one of your campaign ads:
Rick Lazio: — on that, or any administration, I will come down hard on soft money.
Tim Russert: Congressman?
Rick Lazio: That’s a good question, Tim, but I want to say that I really wanna come down hard on soft money.
Tim Russert: Really hard?
Rick Lazio: Really hard, Tim.
Tim Russert: Hillary. Rodham. Clinton.
Hillary Clinton: Wait a minute, that’s all he gets?! That wasn’t even a question!
Tim Russert: So it *is* a conspiracy?
Hillary Clinton: There’s no conspiracy, Tim! But you seem to have, when it comes to me and my husband —
Tim Russert: A vendetta?
Hillary Clinton: I’m not saying that.
Tim Russert: A contract?
Hillary Clinton: No, I am not saying—
Tim Russert: A hard-on?
Hillary Clinton: You’re not going to get me to say that, Tim.
Tim Russert: May I continue now?
Hillary Clinton: Yes.
Tim Russert: Hillary. Rodham. Clinton.
Hillary Clinton: You say it like I was naughty in school!
Tim Russert: (pause) Hillary. Rodham. Clinton. You’ve made a habit of pointing out your concern for wiping out world hunger.
Hillary Clinton: Yes, I have.
Tim Russert: I want to show you this videotape.
Hillary Clinton: All right.
Tim Russert: Here we go.
(Hillary shakes hands at a campaigning event.)
Tim Russert: (voiceover) Not yet. Hang on.
(Hillary hugs a man while facing away from the camera. She ends the embrace and clasps his hands, standing stiltedly.)
Tim Russert: Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh!
(The tape freezes.)
Tim Russert: Whoop! Right there.
(back to roundtable)
Tim Russert: Hillary. Rodham. Clinton. How do you reconcile concern for world hunger while your butt has got fatter?
(Lazio giggles, while drinking milk out of a cafeteria-style carton with a small straw.)
Hillary Clinton: (yelling) Okay! You-you are a pig! You have such a damn boner for us, it’s sick! I’d like to see *your* fat ass!
Tim Russert: (stops laughing) Stern words from Hillary Rodham Clinton. The soft money candidate with the bay-window caboose. If it’s Sunday, (Hammond covers up a laugh) it’s Meet the Press. Go Bills!
(wide shot of the three of them, Clinton has arms crossed and looks perturbed.)
Submtited by: JBecky