Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 2
Girls Gone Wild!
Daughter: Hey, what are you watching?
Dad: An E! Celebrity Profile on Drew Carey.
Mom: It’s very good. Now, he’s from Cleveland – I didn’t know that.Sit down, honey, it’s a very good show.
Dad: It’s so good to have you home from college!
Daughter: I know, I miss hanging out with you guys!
Dad: We miss hanging out with you, kiddo![ cut to commercial on television ]
Television Announcer : Warning! The following commercial is foradults only! “Girls Gone Wild” just got wilder! “Girls Gone Wild” onSpring Break! Our cameras captured real girls, college co-eds, sororitygirls – unbuttoned and uncensored! [ Daughter is shown exposing herselfto the cameras in the commercial ] Actual videos of girls who go to SpringBreak, break the rules and hang out! Order today![ cut back to the shocked family ]
Mom: [ upset ] I cannot believe this!
Dad: My little girl.. why?
Daughter: It.. it wasn’t me..
Daughter: Come on, Shelley – we know it was you!
Mom: I know.. I’m sorry..
Dad: What happened?
Daughter: I don’t know, it was Spring Break, I got carried away..
Dad: I’ll say.
Daughter: I mean, if I let you guys down, I’m really sorry.
Mom: [ thinking ] Well.. we all make mistakes..[ phone rings ]
Dad: Yeah, hopefully no one saw it. [ answers phone ] Hello. Yes,Grandma, we saw it, too. No.. no, it’s not her – but it looks likeher. No. Alright, Grandma, talk to you later. [ hangs up ] Perfect. I justlied to Grandma.
Daughter: I’m sorry, guys..
Mom: Well, we’re disappointed.. but it is just a little mistake, so..
Dad: Well, let’s just forget it, and watch “Walker, Texas Ranger”..[ cut to “48 Hours” on the television ]
Television Announcer: Tomorrow night on “48 Hours”: what parentsdon’t know about Spring Break. [ more wild footage of Daughter onSpring Break is shown, complete with guy licking whipped cream off herchest ] Shocking videos that show you just how wild things get.[ cut back to upset family ]
Dad: Sonofabitch! I can’t believe this!
Mom: [ more upset ] Shelley!
Daughter: Oh, my God! I mean, it was just that once! Thatweekend in South Padre Island!
Dad: [ answers ringing phone ] Yeah? Yeah, Grandma, we saw it.Yes, it’s her. Hold on, that’s the other line. [ picks up other line ]Hello? Yes, Nana – it’s your other grandma – yes, we saw it. I’llcal you back.
Mom: Okay, this is horrible!
Dad: We did not send you to college for that! You can pay forcollege yourself with the money you made from that tape.
Daughter: I didn’t get any money from that tape..
Dad: Well, good going, Einstein! Someone else gets rich off of youshowing your coconuts!
Daughter: I’m sorry.. I messed up.
Mom: Well.. let’s just it go, Malcolm. She made a little mistake.
Dad: I can’t believe this.. I’ll be the laughingstock at thecourthouse.
Daughter: Oh, Dad, it’s not your mistake. And as long as youdon’t tell anyone, they’ll never know.
Dad: [ mulling it over ] ..I.. guess you’re right[ cut to television airing “COPS” – drunken Daughter being arrested andtelling all ]
Daughter on Television: My father is Malcolm Bills! He works inthe county courthouse..[ cut to the family ]
Dad: Wonderful. You said my name. Everyone at work will know.
Daughter: [ mad at herself ] Oh, I forgot about that!
Television Announcer: “Girls Gone Wild” just got even wilder!Introducing the new “Girls Gone Wild at Mardi Gras”.
Dad: Thank God you didn’t go with us to Mardi Gras last year.. [ eyeswiden ] Oh, my God, no![ cut to television – Mom shown exposing herself at Mardi Gras ]
Television Announcer: It’s not just college girls who get into the actat Mardi Gras..![ cut back to the family ]
Mom: It was the Mardi Gras, and they were giving out the beads..[ phone rings ]
Dad: You know what? Let’s just let the machine get that, okay?[ scene fades ]