SNL Transcripts: Kate Hudson: 10/14/00: Woodrow


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead


Actor…..Chris Kattan
Actress…..Molly Shannon
Director…..Chris Parnell
…..Kate Hudson
Woodrow…..Tracy Morgan
Cafe Manager…..Will Ferrell

[ open on a group of actors sitting outside a Hollywood cafe ]

Actor: Anyway, long story short – I’m at home getting paid for doing squat.

Actress: And, believe me, you’re good at doing that!
[ everyone laughs ]

Actor: I am!

Director: [ changing subject ] Kate, what time do we have to be backon the set?

Kate Hudson: Uh.. 1:20, we’ve got some time.

Actress: Hey, how’s the movie going?

Kate Hudson: Oh.. great!

[ the sound of a car screeching to a halt can be heard ]

Voice in Street: Hey! Watch where you’re going!

Woodrow: [ running forward ] Whoo! Blast off! Hey, everyone, it’sme, Woodrow!

Actress: [ holding her nose ] Eugh!

Actor: [ horrified ] Oh, my God! He stinks!

Cafe Manager: Excuse me, Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.

Woodrow: I’m Woodrow! [ holds up mangled script ] I got a movie partfor Kate, it’s a doozy!

[ everyone laughs at him ]

Actress: Oh, my God, this guy actually thinks he’s in the biz!

Woodrow: Stop! Stop laughing at me!

Director: [ laughing ] Even the homeless in this town have a script!I bet he directs!

Woodrow: It’s not funny! [ starts crying ]

Kate Hudson: [ gets up to comfort Woodrow ] Hey, hey, you’re hurtinghis feelings. It’s okay. I’ll look at your movie script.

Woodrow: You will?

Kate Hudson: Yes.

Woodrow: It’s only a part of it. The best part, I left at home.

Kate Hudson: Oh. Well, let’s go look at it. Where do you live?

Woodrow: Right here. [ points to manhole in middle of street ]

Kate Hudson: In the sewer?

Woodrow: Yeah. Come on.

[ Woodrow opens manhole and climbs down. Kate follows, much to the horrorof her friends. ]

Director: Kate, remember we gotta be back at the studio by 1:30!

Actress: Geez.. oh, my gosh, you guys, I think I’m gonna be sick.That guy smelled awful!

Actor: Well, she can kiss her career goodbye.

Director: Really? Why?

Actor: Well, you never go down in a sewer with a homelessman! It’s career-ending. Don’t you know anything?!

[ cut to Woodrow and Kate reaching the bottom of the sewer – harp musicsets the scene ]

Woodrow: Well, here we are. I like it because it’s rent-controlled.

Kate Hudson: It’s nice.

Woodrow: Here, would you like a doggie biscuit?

Kate Hudson: Uh.. no thank you.

Woodrow: How about a can of baby formula?

Kate Hudson: Sure. So, okay.. what about this movie script?

Woodrow: Oh, that? Uh.. [ fakes sound of phone ringing ] Ring!Ring! I gotta take this one.. [ picks up piece of board ] Buy, sell!Buy, sell! Buy, sell! Funny money, boo-bah! [ hangs up board ]

Kate Hudson: Wow. That sounded important..

Woodrow: Yeah. That’s Wall Street stuff. I’m sorry about that.Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah – the movie script. You don’t really wantto read this, do you?

Kate Hudson: Oh, no, I do. I really do.

Woodrow: Really? That’s a relief. I gotta be honest.. you knowthat phone call I just had?

Kate Hudson: Yeah?

Woodrow: That was a fake. I was just trying to impress you. Infact, I’m not really that rich. I’m just a gret, big phony.

Kate Hudson: Oh, I don’t think you’re a phony.

Woodrow: Thanks! [ holds up script ] Okay, in this scene, you playAmanda Kiln, and I’ll play the part of Dr. Jergens.

Kate Hudson: Okay. [ reads from script ] “Tell me, Doctor Jergens,is my liver gonna be okay?”

Woodrow: “No. No, it’s not. Your liver has a brain tumor. It’sserious.”

Kate Hudson: “How serious?”

Woodrow: “Medical. That’s how.”

Kate Hudson: “Is it laryngitis?”

Woodrow: “Yes. You’re going to die in.. in.. in a minute or so.”

Kate Hudson: “Oh, God, this crazy world, Doctor, I’m scared!”

Woodrow: “You know, when I’m scared, I have a song I like to sing,and I want you to sing it with me.. [ singing ]‘Toasters and birds, little pigeon turds
Radio in my hair, it’s really not there
Because I.. love.. you..’

Now, your turn.’

Kate Hudson: “Okay. [ singing ]‘Boogers and poop, dictionary soup
Run for the hills, we have to eat pills
And I.. love.. you..’

Woodrow: “Now, both.”

Kate Hudson: “Ah.”

Together: [ singing ]“‘Mr. Rubber Face, I’m from outer space
Kibbles ‘n Bits, tiny mouse tits
And I.. love.. you..
I.. love.. you..’

Woodrow: This is it. This is where we kiss.

Kate Hudson: Like this? [ kisses Woodrow on the lips ]

Woodrow: See? You just made me piss my pants!

Kate Hudson: I’ve got an idea. Why don’t I introduce you to myagent?

Director: Hey, Kate! It’s past 1:30!

Kate Hudson: Oh, rats.. that’s my director..

Woodrow: You’d better get back..

Kate Hudson: Oh, I can’t leave.. I have feelings for you.. I thinkmaybe I.. I think..

Woodrow: Shh.. You belong up there, with them. Now go.

Kate Hudson: You sure?

Woodrow: Go, before I change my mind.

Kate Hudson: Bye. [ climbs back up the sewer ]

Woodrow: [ fakes the sound of a telephone, and holds the board tohis ear ] Hello? This is Woodrow. I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong number. [ hangs up – scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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