Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 2
Cafe Manager…..Will Ferrell
[ open on a group of actors sitting outside a Hollywood cafe ]
Actor: Anyway, long story short – I’m at home getting paid for doing squat.
Actress: And, believe me, you’re good at doing that!
[ everyone laughs ]
Actor: I am!
Director: [ changing subject ] Kate, what time do we have to be backon the set?
Kate Hudson: Uh.. 1:20, we’ve got some time.
Actress: Hey, how’s the movie going?
Kate Hudson: Oh.. great![ the sound of a car screeching to a halt can be heard ]
Voice in Street: Hey! Watch where you’re going!
Woodrow: [ running forward ] Whoo! Blast off! Hey, everyone, it’sme, Woodrow!
Actress: [ holding her nose ] Eugh!
Actor: [ horrified ] Oh, my God! He stinks!
Cafe Manager: Excuse me, Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
Woodrow: I’m Woodrow! [ holds up mangled script ] I got a movie partfor Kate, it’s a doozy![ everyone laughs at him ]
Actress: Oh, my God, this guy actually thinks he’s in the biz!
Woodrow: Stop! Stop laughing at me!
Director: [ laughing ] Even the homeless in this town have a script!I bet he directs!
Woodrow: It’s not funny! [ starts crying ]
Kate Hudson: [ gets up to comfort Woodrow ] Hey, hey, you’re hurtinghis feelings. It’s okay. I’ll look at your movie script.
Woodrow: You will?
Kate Hudson: Yes.
Woodrow: It’s only a part of it. The best part, I left at home.
Kate Hudson: Oh. Well, let’s go look at it. Where do you live?
Woodrow: Right here. [ points to manhole in middle of street ]
Kate Hudson: In the sewer?
Woodrow: Yeah. Come on.[ Woodrow opens manhole and climbs down. Kate follows, much to the horrorof her friends. ]
Director: Kate, remember we gotta be back at the studio by 1:30!
Actress: Geez.. oh, my gosh, you guys, I think I’m gonna be sick.That guy smelled awful!
Actor: Well, she can kiss her career goodbye.
Director: Really? Why?
Actor: Well, you never go down in a sewer with a homelessman! It’s career-ending. Don’t you know anything?![ cut to Woodrow and Kate reaching the bottom of the sewer – harp musicsets the scene ]
Woodrow: Well, here we are. I like it because it’s rent-controlled.
Kate Hudson: It’s nice.
Woodrow: Here, would you like a doggie biscuit?
Kate Hudson: Uh.. no thank you.
Woodrow: How about a can of baby formula?
Kate Hudson: Sure. So, okay.. what about this movie script?
Woodrow: Oh, that? Uh.. [ fakes sound of phone ringing ] Ring!Ring! I gotta take this one.. [ picks up piece of board ] Buy, sell!Buy, sell! Buy, sell! Funny money, boo-bah! [ hangs up board ]
Kate Hudson: Wow. That sounded important..
Woodrow: Yeah. That’s Wall Street stuff. I’m sorry about that.Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah – the movie script. You don’t really wantto read this, do you?
Kate Hudson: Oh, no, I do. I really do.
Woodrow: Really? That’s a relief. I gotta be honest.. you knowthat phone call I just had?
Kate Hudson: Yeah?
Woodrow: That was a fake. I was just trying to impress you. Infact, I’m not really that rich. I’m just a gret, big phony.
Kate Hudson: Oh, I don’t think you’re a phony.
Woodrow: Thanks! [ holds up script ] Okay, in this scene, you playAmanda Kiln, and I’ll play the part of Dr. Jergens.
Kate Hudson: Okay. [ reads from script ] “Tell me, Doctor Jergens,is my liver gonna be okay?”
Woodrow: “No. No, it’s not. Your liver has a brain tumor. It’sserious.”
Kate Hudson: “How serious?”
Woodrow: “Medical. That’s how.”
Kate Hudson: “Is it laryngitis?”
Woodrow: “Yes. You’re going to die in.. in.. in a minute or so.”
Kate Hudson: “Oh, God, this crazy world, Doctor, I’m scared!”
Woodrow: “You know, when I’m scared, I have a song I like to sing,and I want you to sing it with me.. [ singing ]‘Toasters and birds, little pigeon turds
Radio in my hair, it’s really not there
Because I.. love.. you..’
Now, your turn.’
Kate Hudson: “Okay. [ singing ]‘Boogers and poop, dictionary soup
Run for the hills, we have to eat pills
And I.. love.. you..’“
Woodrow: “Now, both.”
Kate Hudson: “Ah.”
Together: [ singing ]“‘Mr. Rubber Face, I’m from outer space
Kibbles ‘n Bits, tiny mouse tits
And I.. love.. you..
I.. love.. you..’“
Woodrow: This is it. This is where we kiss.
Kate Hudson: Like this? [ kisses Woodrow on the lips ]
Woodrow: See? You just made me piss my pants!
Kate Hudson: I’ve got an idea. Why don’t I introduce you to myagent?
Director: Hey, Kate! It’s past 1:30!
Kate Hudson: Oh, rats.. that’s my director..
Woodrow: You’d better get back..
Kate Hudson: Oh, I can’t leave.. I have feelings for you.. I thinkmaybe I.. I think..
Woodrow: Shh.. You belong up there, with them. Now go.
Kate Hudson: You sure?
Woodrow: Go, before I change my mind.
Kate Hudson: Bye. [ climbs back up the sewer ]
Woodrow: [ fakes the sound of a telephone, and holds the board tohis ear ] Hello? This is Woodrow. I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong number. [ hangs up – scene fades to black ]