SNL Transcripts: Dana Carvey: 10/21/00: Church Chat


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 3

00c: Dana Carvey / The Wallflowers

Church Chat

Church Lady…..Dana Carvey
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Anne Heche…..Chris Kattan
Eminem…..Chris Parnell

Church Lady: Hello, I’m the Church Lady, and this is “Church Chat”. Well, it’s almost Halloween, and what a delightful little holiday! Let’s see, what do we do on this holiday, let’s count it out: we dress up our children like witches and vampires; we put them out into the night like little candy prostitutes – “Look at me, Mommy, I’m a sugar slut in a Devil mask!” Speaking of all that is unholy, I’m delighted to welcome my first guest – she’s a sweet little peach – our First-Lady and Senate candidate, please welcome Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton: [ steps out and sits down ] Hello, Church Lady.

Church Lady: Well, nice to see you. Hillary Rodham Clinton. We like our three little names, don’t we? “We are woman, hear us roar!” So, you’re running for Senate in Arkansas?

Hillary Clinton: No, actually, I’m running for Senate in New York.

Church Lady: Oh, that’s right. We just call ourselves a New Yorker when it’s convenient.

Hillary Clinton: You know, we actually do own a home in Chappaqua.

Church Lady: Chappaqua! From the old Indian word “Chappaquinis”, which means “Wife looks the other way, while big chief gets his peacepipe smoked.”

Hillary Clinton: [ angry ] Church Lady, I am here to talk about..

Church Lady: Just relax! [ moves her hand up and down ]There’s your mouth – it’s moving. Let’s just keep it nice and buttonedreal tight for just a second.. So, if you’re elected Senate, that means Bill will be alone most of the time. I wonder what he’ll do with all that “alone” time? I guess he’ll just have to find someone to take care of his Little Rock.

Hillary Clinton: Church Lady, I don’t think it’s fair to bring up my personal life..

Church Lady: Well, maybe if you had performed your Christian wifely duties, your husband wouldn’t have had so much skin-hunger.

Hillary Clinton: That is clearly a distortion of the facts..

Church Lady: Oh, we’re an intimidator. Newsflash – not afraid! Scoot down, had enough, there you go! [ Hillary scoots down ] Alright, that was exciting! Now, my next guest is someone who loves to bob for apples and bananas. Please welcome Anne Heche. [ Anne walks out and sits down ] Welcome to the show, Anne He-She.

Anne Heche: It’s “Heche”.

Church Lady: Oh, yes, of course – Heche. Now, Anne, you describe yourself as a bisexual. “Bisexual”. That’s a cute little word, isn’t it? Bisexual is a person who reaches down the front of someone’s pants, and they’re satisfied with whatever they find!

Anne Heche: Church Lady, I don’t put boundaries on my love. If I fall in love with a man, then I want to make love to that man; if I fall in love with a woman, then I want nothing more than to explore that woman’s body. I’m just very open. I’m sure if I fell in love with a German Shephard, I’m sure I would want to make sweet dog love, alright?

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special? You know, Anne, Imade a little snack for you, because I thought you might get hungry, but I couldn’t really remember what you’d like better.. so I have a weiner and a taco, and I was trying to remember – first you liked weiners, didn’t you? Then you thought they were ookey.. and then we liked tacos, but then we went back to weiners. We just have a little trouble making up our minds, don’t we? What’s for dinner, Annie? What’s for dinner?

Anne Heche: [ thinking ] Uh.. could I have..

Church Lady: Eeny-meenie-minie-taco-weiner.

Anne Heche: .. a weiner-taco..?

Church Lady: Too many decisions. Let’s just put the weiner in the taco.. you scoot down, take a little rest, think about what you want.. [ Anne denies the weiner-taco and scoots down ] Alright, don’t have to have it. I don’t want you to get dehydrated and start knocking on doors. Now, our last guest is a crap singer – I mean, rap singer, I’m sorry. Apparently, Rosemary’s Baby is all grown up. Please welcome Mr. Eminem. [ Eminem walks out and sits down ] Well, we’re just a little buttercup, aren’t we? But we love to say those nasty, dirty words, don’t we? Let’s play a little romantic ditty, right now, that you wrote for your wife. [ a portion of a bleeped-out version of “Kim” plays, as Eminem nods his head in time to the music ] Welll.. I bet that just swept her off her feet, didn’t it!

Eminem: You don’t know how to say it, Church Lady. There’s a layer of irony to my rhymes that a lot of people don’t get, you know what I’m saying? I’m an artist, yo!

Church Lady: You know what, Eminem.. I’ve been inspired by your musical artistry, and it goes a little something like this. Hit it, Pearl![stands up and sings a variant of “The Real Slim Shady ]

“Well, I’m the Church Lady
Yes, I’m the real Lady
and all you Slim Shadies are headed for Hades.
Will the real Church Lady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up?
‘Cause I’m the Church Lady
the real Lady
and all you Slim Shadies are headed for Hades.
Will the real Church Lady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up?”

[ a line of Church Lady imposters march forward ]

And Superior!

[ they all do the Superior Dance ]

Bye, Satan!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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