Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 26: Episode 3
The Delicious Dish
Margaret Jo McCullin…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
Gordon Hoover…..Dana Carvey
Margaret Jo McCullin: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullin.
Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.
Margaret Jo McCullin: And you’re listening to..
Together: The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Now, Teri, today is a special Halloweenculinary spooks-travaganza. So let’s summon some ghoulies and ghostiesto help us make ghoulash and toasties.
Teri Rialto: Halloween is one of my favorite times of the year. I have such happy memories from my childhood of dressing up and goingdoor-to-door, and collecting for UNICEF.
Margaret Jo McCullin: I know, same. My favorite was alwaysapple-bobbing. Although, due to a terrible allergy to apples, my family bobbed for uncooked potatoes and yellow onions. It was a real hoot!
Teri Rialto: Neat.
Margaret Jo McCullin: It was fun.
Teri Rialto: Potatoes and onions.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Good times.
Teri Rialto: Good times.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Now, Teri, what are you going to do thisHalloween?
Teri Rialto: Well, I enjoy spending Halloween night out in a pumpkin patch, waiting for the Great Pumpkin to appear.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Ooh, like Charlie Brown!
Teri Rialto: Charlie what, now?
Margaret Jo McCullin: The cartoon. The cartoon, Charlie Brown.
Teri Rialto: [ minorly upset ] There is nothing cartoonish about my religious beliefs.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, anyway, we have a very special guest joining us tonight. He teaches at Cesar Chavez High School.
Teri Rialto: Now, didn’t that used to be the James Madison High School?
Margaret Jo McCullin: Yeah, it sure did, but they changed the name.
Teri Rialto: More importantly, once a year he is the proprieter of Gordon Hoover’s Scary Town.
Margaret Jo McCullin: But don’t worry, it’s actually just one-half of a 2-family duplex over near Interstate 15!
Teri Rialto: Ooh! Scary Town!
Margaret Jo McCullin: Please welcome Gordon Hoover. Hi, Gordon.[ Gordon, dressed in a pirate costume complete with eye patch, scoots up to the microphone and puts on his headphones ]
Teri Rialto: I like your pirate costume.
Gordon Hoover: Well, thank you. I strive for terrified authenticity.
Margaret Jo McCullin: The eyepiece is a really clever touch.
Gordon Hoover: That’s not part of the costume. Yesterday, I scratched my cornea while replacing some fiberglass insulation over at Scary Town.
Teri Rialto: Ohhh..
Margaret Jo McCullin: Ouch.
Teri Rialto: Injured eyeball. Painful.
Margaret Jo McCullin: That’s not fun at all.
Gordon Hoover: No. It’s not.
Teri Rialto: Well, Gordon, every Halloween, for about fifteen years now, you’ve turned your house into a haunted castle full of treats for the neighborhood, isn’t that right?
Gordon Hoover: Fifteen years, that’s right. Of course, most ofthe kids are grown up now.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Yeah, kids will do that.
Gordon Hoover: Yeah, and the neighborhood has gotten a little more character, and it’s become a little more.. uh.. urban.. but I’m still out there every year.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Good for you. Well, why don’t you tell usabout this wonderful tray here of Halloween hors-douvres – or, should I say, horrors-douvre.
Teri Rialto: [ laughing ] That’s funny. You’re really funny.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Thanks. I thought of that last Christmas, but I had to save it until now to use it!
Gordon Hoover: Yeah.. well, um.. one of my favorite spooky treats are these little ghosts. [ holds up the ghosts ] These bone-chilling spectors are made by taking an ordinary lollipop and wrapping it in toilet paper.
Teri Rialto: Boy, I never knew that toilet paper could be so scary.
Gordon Hoover: Well, it can.. be scary, yes.. especially if it’sthrown at your house by a gang of mass teenagers shouting Spanish cursewords, and swilling something out of a bottle marked “Algano Diablo.”
Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, tricks can be as fun as treats.
Gordon Hoover: Yeah.. I tell myself that.
Teri Rialto: So, what else did you bring?
Gordon Hoover: Well, Teri, one of the scariest foods out there is this. [ holds a bowl of cereal ] It’s General Mills’ most terrifying brand of cereal available. It’s Count Chocula.
Teri Rialto: Ooh, Count Chocula. Now, isn’t he some kind of black Dracula?
Gordon Hoover: Yeah, that’s right. And, incidentally, the name of the gang that corrals around my neighborhood – the Black Draculas. And that’s pretty much a year-round thing.
Margaret Jo McCullin: So, on Halloween, the kids like to come to your door, and you give them cereal?
Gordon Hoover: Well, they don’t really come to the door any more. They mostly let themselves in through an open window, or they cut out a screen door. And I don’t think they’re really looking for cereal, so much as they’re looking for electronics, stereo equipment, and cheap.. cheap thrills.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Well.. speaking of thrills, one thing Teri and I like to do is put peeled grapes in a bowl, and they feel like gooey eyeballs!
Teri Rialto: [ excited ] Yeah-ah!
Gordon Hoover: Is that a joke about my scratched cornea?[ awkward silence ]
Teri Rialto: So, do you have anything really special planned forthis year’s Gordon Hoover’s Scary Town?
Gordon Hoover: Do I ever! Let me tell you, those punks are in for a bog surprise if they try to screw with Gordon Hoover this year!
Margaret Jo McCullin: Oh, neat!
Teri Rialto: Should be fun.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Good times.
Gordon Hoover: No, it won’t be good times. It’ll be more along the order of razor blades on the windowsills, and buckets of human waste propped over the door jambs. Those little a-holes better watch their butts this Halloween.
Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, that’s all the time we have..
Gordon Hoover: I don’t care! If I have to go down, I’m gonna take a couple of Black Draculas with me!
Teri Rialto: Please join us next time when we discuss..