SNL Transcripts: Dana Carvey: 10/21/00: The Delicious Dish


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 3

00c: Dana Carvey / The Wallflowers

The Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullin…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
Gordon Hoover…..Dana Carvey

Margaret Jo McCullin: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullin.

Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.

Margaret Jo McCullin: And you’re listening to..

Together: The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Now, Teri, today is a special Halloweenculinary spooks-travaganza. So let’s summon some ghoulies and ghostiesto help us make ghoulash and toasties.

Teri Rialto: Halloween is one of my favorite times of the year. I have such happy memories from my childhood of dressing up and goingdoor-to-door, and collecting for UNICEF.

Margaret Jo McCullin: I know, same. My favorite was alwaysapple-bobbing. Although, due to a terrible allergy to apples, my family bobbed for uncooked potatoes and yellow onions. It was a real hoot!

Teri Rialto: Neat.

Margaret Jo McCullin: It was fun.

Teri Rialto: Potatoes and onions.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Good times.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Now, Teri, what are you going to do thisHalloween?

Teri Rialto: Well, I enjoy spending Halloween night out in a pumpkin patch, waiting for the Great Pumpkin to appear.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Ooh, like Charlie Brown!

Teri Rialto: Charlie what, now?

Margaret Jo McCullin: The cartoon. The cartoon, Charlie Brown.

Teri Rialto: [ minorly upset ] There is nothing cartoonish about my religious beliefs.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, anyway, we have a very special guest joining us tonight. He teaches at Cesar Chavez High School.

Teri Rialto: Now, didn’t that used to be the James Madison High School?

Margaret Jo McCullin: Yeah, it sure did, but they changed the name.

Teri Rialto: More importantly, once a year he is the proprieter of Gordon Hoover’s Scary Town.

Margaret Jo McCullin: But don’t worry, it’s actually just one-half of a 2-family duplex over near Interstate 15!

Teri Rialto: Ooh! Scary Town!

Margaret Jo McCullin: Please welcome Gordon Hoover. Hi, Gordon.

[ Gordon, dressed in a pirate costume complete with eye patch, scoots up to the microphone and puts on his headphones ]

Teri Rialto: I like your pirate costume.

Gordon Hoover: Well, thank you. I strive for terrified authenticity.

Margaret Jo McCullin: The eyepiece is a really clever touch.

Gordon Hoover: That’s not part of the costume. Yesterday, I scratched my cornea while replacing some fiberglass insulation over at Scary Town.

Teri Rialto: Ohhh..

Margaret Jo McCullin: Ouch.

Teri Rialto: Injured eyeball. Painful.

Margaret Jo McCullin: That’s not fun at all.

Gordon Hoover: No. It’s not.

Teri Rialto: Well, Gordon, every Halloween, for about fifteen years now, you’ve turned your house into a haunted castle full of treats for the neighborhood, isn’t that right?

Gordon Hoover: Fifteen years, that’s right. Of course, most ofthe kids are grown up now.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Yeah, kids will do that.

Gordon Hoover: Yeah, and the neighborhood has gotten a little more character, and it’s become a little more.. uh.. urban.. but I’m still out there every year.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Good for you. Well, why don’t you tell usabout this wonderful tray here of Halloween hors-douvres – or, should I say, horrors-douvre.

Teri Rialto: [ laughing ] That’s funny. You’re really funny.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Thanks. I thought of that last Christmas, but I had to save it until now to use it!

Gordon Hoover: Yeah.. well, um.. one of my favorite spooky treats are these little ghosts. [ holds up the ghosts ] These bone-chilling spectors are made by taking an ordinary lollipop and wrapping it in toilet paper.

Teri Rialto: Boy, I never knew that toilet paper could be so scary.

Gordon Hoover: Well, it can.. be scary, yes.. especially if it’sthrown at your house by a gang of mass teenagers shouting Spanish cursewords, and swilling something out of a bottle marked “Algano Diablo.”

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, tricks can be as fun as treats.

Gordon Hoover: Yeah.. I tell myself that.

Teri Rialto: So, what else did you bring?

Gordon Hoover: Well, Teri, one of the scariest foods out there is this. [ holds a bowl of cereal ] It’s General Mills’ most terrifying brand of cereal available. It’s Count Chocula.

Teri Rialto: Ooh, Count Chocula. Now, isn’t he some kind of black Dracula?

Gordon Hoover: Yeah, that’s right. And, incidentally, the name of the gang that corrals around my neighborhood – the Black Draculas. And that’s pretty much a year-round thing.

Margaret Jo McCullin: So, on Halloween, the kids like to come to your door, and you give them cereal?

Gordon Hoover: Well, they don’t really come to the door any more. They mostly let themselves in through an open window, or they cut out a screen door. And I don’t think they’re really looking for cereal, so much as they’re looking for electronics, stereo equipment, and cheap.. cheap thrills.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well.. speaking of thrills, one thing Teri and I like to do is put peeled grapes in a bowl, and they feel like gooey eyeballs!

Teri Rialto: [ excited ] Yeah-ah!

Gordon Hoover: Is that a joke about my scratched cornea?

[ awkward silence ]

Teri Rialto: So, do you have anything really special planned forthis year’s Gordon Hoover’s Scary Town?

Gordon Hoover: Do I ever! Let me tell you, those punks are in for a bog surprise if they try to screw with Gordon Hoover this year!

Margaret Jo McCullin: Oh, neat!

Teri Rialto: Should be fun.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Good times.

Gordon Hoover: No, it won’t be good times. It’ll be more along the order of razor blades on the windowsills, and buckets of human waste propped over the door jambs. Those little a-holes better watch their butts this Halloween.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, that’s all the time we have..

Gordon Hoover: I don’t care! If I have to go down, I’m gonna take a couple of Black Draculas with me!

Teri Rialto: Please join us next time when we discuss..

Together: Bran.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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